I am distraught. RAD related

[Rose in BC]

 

So even in Canada if your child has extreme behaviours, or psychiatric needs you do not get much help unless you pay for it out of pocket yourself.

 

And if you live in a rural, remote area like I do, well the struggle is even more difficult. I have not found any suitable support within driving distance of my community.

[swellmomma]

And if you live in a rural, remote area like I do, well the struggle is even more difficult. I have not found any suitable support within driving distance of my community.

 

:grouphug: We are rural too but can still drive to where we can get some help (2 hours away). The next course of action will be trying some of the calgary Dr's and that will be 5 hours away, but I have to try everything I possible can to help my kids, particularily my oldest with his issues, and there is just nothing around.

[Haiku]

It might be what it takes to save your other children and your health

 

This is why my dd17 is in school. This is the only reason. In the end, I don't care about the academics. Dd17 is in school so that my other kids and I get a break from her toxic behavior. Having her home all day was ruining our family and giving my younger kids a hellish environment to grow up in.

 

Tara

[Denisemomof4]

Here's the thing...

 

Denise's dd has to be in constant line of sight. No school can possibly manage that. They aren't equipped to deal with this level of issue. Plus, since Denise is on a farm, we're talking school bus transportation.

 

Plus, RAD kids are notorious for being extremely charming, perfect to the outside world, and extreme lying.

 

There have been many families who find themselves dealing w/not only CPS, but criminal charges due to false allegations by a RAD child.

 

Heck, there are trained professionals, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers who have dealt w/RAD who fall for the charm and the lies. What is the realistic chance that teachers and aides will be better aware?

 

:iagree: this.

 

if I didn't have another young child to protect, she would be in school AND the after school program. We tried preschool. i was shocked at the level of her lies at age 3, not to mention how AWFUL she was when we got her home. My life would be even more of a living hell if I put her in school.

[J-rap]

Wow, I knew so little about RAD before I read this post. I've now researched it a little online. You are one amazing woman. I am nearly speechless. Is this the same daughter who was on the swim team?

[jewellsmommy]

Denise had several of us stand up for her.

 

It's been deleted, but please don't think that those of us who stood up were also taking shots at her.

 

 

Yes. When I saw my post deleted I was like:willy_nilly:. I have never been deleted by the mods before. Then I realized it was because I had quoted the offender.

[Denisemomof4]

Wow, I knew so little about RAD before I read this post. I've now researched it a little online. You are one amazing woman. I am nearly speechless. Is this the same daughter who was on the swim team?

 

oh heavens no!!!! My swim daughter, age 12, is such a blessing, a GREAT kid. She is my bio kid.

 

Oh, and Imp, I am on a farm, but I only have to drive half a mile to the bus stop, and the school is about five miles away. I look like I live very rurally, but it's nice that I am close to everything!

[jewellsmommy]

No, it's not really cyclical. It comes and gos as a cycle would, but it's more predictable, really, with RAD. All holidays and her birthday are typically rough. When they get to the point where they are well enough to get through the holidays unscathed, as we did this year, I guess they make up for it afterwards. This is our first year dealing with this. Anniversary dates are rough, but not anniversary days like you imagine. Trauma is embedded in the cells. My daughter has trauma triggers in the spring and summer. Pretty much every year. So while I know WHEN her bad times are, this year threw me for a loop because they were all delayed. I have NO idea what that means.

 

 

Could she be suffering from PTSD as well?

[Scarlett]

 

I AM WORN OUT.

 

Whine, whine, whine. Blah, blah, blah.

 

This is just too hard sometimes. I can't wait until she turns 18 and I can live in peace.

 

I have no words. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Yes. When I saw my post deleted I was like:willy_nilly:. I have never been deleted by the mods before. Then I realized it was because I had quoted the offender.

 

I missed it. what a shame.:tongue_smilie: I logged off for a half hour, maybe an hour, but I missed out on all the fun.

 

I honestly just blocked one person out.

 

In my life now, I just can't be bothered with people, IRL or online, who can't support me and understand. I'm so blessed that my friends do. Most moms don't have the support system I do and it's SO tragic. That is the reason I talk about it here. I just want people to understand what's going on should they come across a family like ours. If only one other person gets support, then I will be happy.

[elise1mds]

I had been avoiding this thread. I have a good, dear friend with a RAD child (biological), and I knew I would break down and cry when I read your post. Sure enough, I did. I don't know exactly what you have gone through, but having watched my friend struggle and fight and struggle and fight... and still make what seems like little to no progress, I have a vague idea (and nothing more... I would never presume to understand what you've truly gone through). This girl been kicked out of multiple schools. She manipulates therapists. DHS (our state's version of CPS) has visited their family multiple times. And there are two younger siblings in the house that their mother has to protect at all times.

 

I cannot imagine the pain that you experience. I wish that the medical system would truly understand what it's like for the families who have to deal with this. I wish that you had the resources available to you that you need. My heart breaks for you and every other family who deals with a RAD child.

 

I know it doesn't really help, but here's another :grouphug:

Edited January 27, 2012 by elise1mds
grammar

[LibraryLover]

I don't want to beat the school thing to death. I have read what you've said about that and I understand. Yet. I wonder if you can get all the RAD paperwork together and get her an IEP. Have meetings with all involved and have regular meetings. Have a Dr with RAD experience come talk to the IEP team, or send an offical packaage. Do an inservice, basically. An IEP with a strong understanding of RAD by the team will offer protection to you and to your family.

 

As for meds...yes, I have known lots of children with impulsivity issues helped by meds. Nobody wants to medicate, but there comes a time when one has to experiment there. She will get older and stronger and her hormones will change. A psychiatrist will some RAD experience should have a few ideas about various meds. She might also have PTSD, ADHD etc along with the RAD, and there ARE meds that can help. Yes, it can be a stress figuring out the right ones, and sometimes they work for a time and and then something else is needed. It's worth a try, because could your quality of life, her quality of life, be all that much worse?

 

You owe it to yourself to get back in the ring. You might get a couple of knockouts, pardon the cliches, but you're pretty much as down as you can get right now.

 

This makes me so mad. There has to be/should be health professionals out there who would be willing to give your famility a shot at a decent life.

Edited January 27, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Catwoman]

RAD kids don't want your approval and love. They want to dominate you and be in complete control. Nothing less will satisfy them. Their entire being is focused on this. They have been so deeply traumatized that they literally believe they will die if they give up control ... any control.

 

And they are angry. That's where the destructive behavior comes from. Anger that is beyond what you could imagine and which can't be loved away.

 

And the worst part is, people who don't understand blame the adoptive parents (usually the mom), who are often the first people who have ever done anything to try to help the child. The very thing that these kids need causes other people to point fingers and pass judgment.

 

Thank you for this post, Tara. It helped me understand a bit more about the motivations of these children. I have been reading about their actions and have wondered what could possibly be going on in their heads to make them do such horrible things, and your post clarified a lot for me. I know I will never be able to truly empathize with all of you who are going through this with your kids, but just reading about it makes me realize that it must be incredibly overwhelming, frustrating, and heartbreaking. I am so sorry that any parent has to go through this.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

Tara, does your dd have an IEP? Is she in a school for children with special needs? How has your school handled lies etc?

[Impish]

Tara, does your dd have an IEP? Is she in a school for children with special needs? How has your school handled lies etc?

From what I remember, Tara's dd is in a very specialized school.

[nono]

If only one other person gets support, then I will be happy.

 

Denise, you know I'm pulling for you and your RADish. :grouphug: And, I applaud you for laying yourself somewhat bare to help others. I share your frustration about the uneven awareness about of RAD. And the complicity of the agencies in feeding the fairy tale of adoption, instead of the reality, it burns me up!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Dobela]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: We were foster parents of preschool children with RAD and I have never been so exhausted in my life. We have friends that are having serious struggles right now with a boy they adopted who has significant RAD. I can't give them respite for more than a couple of hours at a time because of his behavior, and I feel guilty for not giving more. They can't find effective help or treatment either. They recently had a social worker threaten to take all their other children if they asked to have the most troubled child removed. It was the only 'help' she would offer. I feel your pain. You are in my prayers.

[8circles]

Denise, :grouphug:. I can't imagine your struggles. You are amazing.

[Haiku]

Tara, does your dd have an IEP? Is she in a school for children with special needs? How has your school handled lies etc?

 

Sorry, I decided to edit this post. I don't feel like I can safely share what I shared. Too gun-shy from previous attacks by people who don't get it, I guess.

 

Tara

Edited January 27, 2012 by TaraTheLiberator

[Remudamom]

I am no help at all, but so sorry. I can pray.

[Laurie4b]

I am SO sorry. Wish we lived nearby so I could give you a break.

[Nakia]

Denise had several of us stand up for her.

 

It's been deleted, but please don't think that those of us who stood up were also taking shots at her.

 

Yes! It was really only one person spewing hatefulness.

 

Yes. When I saw my post deleted I was like:willy_nilly:. I have never been deleted by the mods before. Then I realized it was because I had quoted the offender.

 

Ah, it's not so bad once you get used to it. LOL! I'm just kidding. I've really only been deleted once, I think, for my behavior. It's usually because I quoted someone else.

[Laurie4b]

BUut MANY RAD kids aren't allowed any freedom. THey have to be in eyesight and earshot at ALL times. I was disheartened to hear that people still have to do that with their RADishes when they're in their teens. I guess I'm more realistic about it now.

 

 

I know it's hard to understand, but she truly is not safe to be given any freedom. SHE is not safe.

 

I hope other RAD moms here who have spoken to this fact to me offline will chime in here. Not having freedom truly is what she needs.

 

I am not a RAD mom, but I was a foster parent of a child with RAD for 2 years, and his was a mild-moderate case. We couldn't believe what we had to do to help him. It was like running a boot camp and that part was stressful on us because we are naturally the unstructured type. He had a therapist, we had a therapist, I WAS a therapist... we weren't being overly strict because of our personalities, but because he needed it or he felt very unsafe. (As an analogy perhaps: some kids feel secure in a back yard just knowing where the boundary is they cannot cross. Some kids feel secure with a post-rail fence they could crawl through, but the fence marks the boundary. Some kids would feel comfortable with a chain link fence that they could climb. Some kids would only feel safe with a 12 ft. high concrete wall . That's when they know what the boundary is.)

 

I do have professional experience with RAD kids other than our foster child, who, as I said, was a mild -to-moderate case. Many RAD kids are dangerous to themselves and others, particularly siblings or parents--like smothering a sibling with a pillow kind of dangerous, or trying to burn down the house kind of dangerous. It often doesn't get better.

 

When one is dealing with a child with severe RAD, to allow them to be out of sight would be negligent, just like if a child is hospitalized for being dangerous to self or others that child is not allowed "freedom." It's a freedom for safety issue. You need to keep the child and the siblings alive and unharmed. That trumps freedom of movement.

[KidsHappen]

Denise had several of us stand up for her.

 

It's been deleted, but please don't think that those of us who stood up were also taking shots at her.

 

Oh I know IMp. I could tell by looking at the names who was probably doing what. I like to think that I know the old timers well enough to know who would be standing up for her. I am just outraged that it was necessary for us to have to do so in the first place.

[KidsHappen]

:iagree:

 

Yes, I know. See my response to Imp above.

[KidsHappen]

Yes. When I saw my post deleted I was like:willy_nilly:. I have never been deleted by the mods before. Then I realized it was because I had quoted the offender.

 

Yes, I am glad that they deleted the offending posts but left the thread so that Denise could benefit for the support she is getting.

[Tap]

Have you considered hiring a person to come into the house to help you? I wonder if there is a way to write it off of your taxes as a home health nurse if the doctor writes a letter. Someone that you could train, and educate. Someone that you could hand pick to do some RAD training and understand her illness (I know CPS reporting is a fear due to the lies).

 

We are working on getting dd5 a one-on-one for her daycare. She is going 3 days a week right now. I often get called to come pick her up early, but they really, really try to keep her as long as they can. They can rotate staff to deal with her, so no one person gets burnt out. Her aide will be working with other kids too, but she will be the only one to intervene when she has issues. I think the consistency will be great for dd5, but hard on her one-on-one. I have to have a break from dd5. I can't imagine living and spending 24/7 under dd5s constant control and turmoil. You have to be so far beyond burnt out, I can't believe you are still standing and functioning.

 

It is from Return of Jafar (sequel to Aladdin). The Blue Genie is me, and Jafar is dd5. There are a couple of spots that really hit home to me. The line from Genie "You'd be surprised what you can live through" (as in, you can torture someone and they can live--not the nice sentiment of 'it will make you stronger). The line "this thing is bigger than the both of us" is another that rings so true of our situations. It isn't profound, but just makes be realize that I am not going nuts. There really are forces at work her, that aren't on the normal-human-range of emotions and relationships. At the end when Genie is curled up in a ball, in a cage; there have been so many times that I was left feeling this way after interactions with her. Just like Genie, I throw everything I have in my parenting/therapy arsenal at her, and it seems like it just makes her stronger.

 

For some reason this clip makes me feel better. I know we all get strength from odd sources, (your animals must be a huge source of comfort for you) but this clip reminds me that while dd5 may win many battles, eventually she will either be functional or move away, and we will rebuild our broken lives. Genie does eventually win. (obviously I don't want her to die like Jafar, it is a metaphor after all) Like rebuilding a war torn city. I am just trying to hold it together until then, so we can rebuild from the rubble. I try to emotionally clean out bits and pieces of left over hostility and resentment that I find myself harboring but it is hard, when she keeps pushing the same buttons, time and again. I do have to say that the therapists do help me a lot with that. Helping me devise different ways of keeping her off balance and out of bad routines. They help me identify triggers that I don't always see, so I can adapt a bit.

 

If you want to talk medications, give me a call or PM. What are other people in the RAD community using? It seems like there would be medications that would help with some of her issues, even if they won't treat the RAD specifically. Does she have any other diagnosis other than RAD? DD5 is on a few that make a big difference. She is still horrible, but not to the intensity that she was. I was at the point of seriously considering disruption, because I felt like I was going into a severe depression this fall due to her. I was to the point that it was hurting me, more than it was helping her. Luckily, we recovered to a point that I can function again, so we are pressing on. Without her medications, I doubt that she would still be in our home.

[J-rap]

oh heavens no!!!! My swim daughter, age 12, is such a blessing, a GREAT kid. She is my bio kid.

 

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to mix the two up. I am praying for you, my friend! I truly believe God sees all the good you are doing...every last thing.

[Jenny in Florida]

Denise,

 

I don't have any advice to offer on RAD as I have never personally experienced anything similar, but I just wanted to tell you that I have followed your posts and I just have such a tremendous amount of respect for you. You are a strong, loving Mama. I pray that you can find some relief and that one day, your daughter and the rest of your family will find some peace.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

You said this better than I had figured out how yet.

 

Denise--

I don't have experience with anything as challenging as your daughter's illness. We went through what I consider a "rough patch" with my daughter when she was much younger, and after reading your posts I am ashamed that I ever felt challenged.

Even with the minor issues we faced, I remember feeling like no one got it. My daughter saw a psychologist, who spent more time doling out parenting advice to me than she did talking with my daughter. For the seven months my daughter was seeing her, I know that woman thought my daughter's issues were all my fault. It wasn't until my daughter pitched a fit right in the office that the psychologist began to understand.

She had us escorted out of the building and referred us to another doctor.

You are a brave, caring, wonderful mom. I hope that you and your daughter find the help you need.

[Denisemomof4]

Could she be suffering from PTSD as well?

 

She did but I didn't know it at the time. She was a complete mess as a baby. Again, I had no idea what was going on. This is common among parents when they first get their RAD child. By the time I figured out she had RAD, it was another couple ofyears before the adopion community and specialists said that RAD is rooted in trauma and all? (is it all?) have PTSD. I got to a point where I needed to take a break from the research and adoption forums because it wass all so depressing. That's when the trauma/PTSD came about.

 

By the time I realized she had PTSD, her symptoms were almost non existent. The obvious symptoms she once had are gone.

 

The trauma itself, though, is embedded in her cells. There are always going to be anniversary dates, but that doesn't mean it's her PTSD making her do these things.

 

I hope this makes sense,

[Denisemomof4]

Oh I know IMp. I could tell by looking at the names who was probably doing what. I like to think that I know the old timers well enough to know who would be standing up for her. I am just outraged that it was necessary for us to have to do so in the first place.

 

you don't need to be, friend! The only people who could speak to me like that have NO idea what goes on inside the family where a RAD child resides, so I put no thought into their comments.

 

I'm so thankful for my friends here who had my back in my absence! I love you all!!!!

[fairfarmhand]

Just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers and your little girl is too.

 

She must come from a horrible place of hurt to behave so toward those who love her so much. It still doesn't diminish the anger, frustration, and pain that you and your dh and kids have to work through to acknowledge her pain.

 

It makes me angry that someone would mistreat an infant to the point that YEARS later after spending years and years with a loving family, she may never have normal emotions.

 

The whole situation is just sad beyond belief. I understand that your pain is not related to your damaged home. The crazy stuff that she does is only a symptom of how messed up she is emotionally. How she feels toward people who have only tried to help.

 

Please remember that there are many who admire you and are thinking kind thoughts, issuing many prayers on your behalf. Not only for her healing, but for your strength, emotional fortitude and mental well-being.

[Denisemomof4]

Sorry, I decided to edit this post. I don't feel like I can safely share what I shared. Too gun-shy from previous attacks by people who don't get it, I guess.

 

Tara

 

i understand, friend. :sad: I will be so bold as to say I don't give a flying fig what those other's think. FF, you know. I'm glad I got to read it before you edited it, though.

 

To be honest, I've been calling about residential treatment facilities and boarding schools for her for some time. I think we may have to resort to that in her teen years, but possibly not. The choice is hers. She herself has said that I've done so much work on her. Maybe one day she'll get off the pot and decide that she will take part in her healing. Until then, we continue on.

 

It's not all gloom and doom, people. I know it sounds like it is, but for someone who has lived this for 8 years now, you just find your way to get through it. Last night I asked dh to sleep on the couch and dd and I slept in bed with our dogs. Now I know it wasn't the right thing to do, but it was our therapy.:001_smile: Today we have schooled in bed all day. We sprayed our pillows and sheets with a lavender mist, sprayed our bodies with lavender body spray, used our lavender lotion, and are burning lavender candles. Dh is working from home and he is caring for RADish's needs. We find our way to come out the other side ok all the time.

 

As soon as I get done here, though, I will be trying again to find the family therapist I wanted to go to a few months back. I think she had mentioned that she had some attachment issue experience on her website. In any event, I just need help for dd12 to process this in a healthy manner. This is my first step on a new plan of attack I have come up with.

[goldberry]

It is so sad that some can't see beyond their own experience to think that MAYBE there are people out there living a whole different life.

 

Denise, I would NEVER presume to judge anything you have tried or are going through. All I can do is send :grouphug: and prayers to you and any other RAD moms.

[Denisemomof4]

Yes, I am glad that they deleted the offending posts but left the thread so that Denise could benefit for the support she is getting.

 

I can't stress enough how much I appreciate all of you. Starting this last night was instrumental in getting me to a better place by the end of the evening. I hadn't called anyone else or spoken to anyone about this specific issue yet, other than to have to cancel plans with friends because of certain issues surrounding my RADish.

 

BUT, I keep coming here because I want to EDUCATE people. Some people truly DO NOT want to know the truth. Some of the meanest people are in the adoption community. Some of those people are dealing with a very sick child and refuse to believe there is anything wrong with their child, as if it is their fault their child ended up like they did. I was actually in a group of adoptive parents. One child at age TWO climbed into the lap of a complete stranger, a man, and clung to him ALL DAY. It made me sick to see everyone talking about how cute it was. That child needed a parent to step in and teach appropriate boundaries. My dd benefited hugely from me teaching her that. But to mention it to the group, some adoptive parents just REFUSE to accept that anything is wrong with their child and so they do nothing to help. Well, that same child will continue on with those inappropriate behaviors and likely grow up to be a flirtatious teen. I've heard many, many stories about this. So by denying the issue, the kid becomes sicker. the parents speak of are a doctor at a top notch hospital and a lawyer. These are smart people.

[Haiku]

The choice is hers. She herself has said that I've done so much work on her. Maybe one day she'll get off the pot and decide that she will take part in her healing.

 

And that is the key, right there. These kids have to WANT to get better or they never will. You can't force a child to heal.

 

Dd was sooooo angry when she first came to us. For several years she would do NOTHING about it. She wanted to hang on to her anger. It was what she knew. Getting rid of her anger would mean making room for other emotions that she didn't want. She didn't know how to deal with them. There had never been room for them, so she'd never had to deal with them.

 

Eventually, she decided she was willing to get better ... but only to a certain degree. She has a very defined wall, past which she will let no one reach. There's too much pain behind it, and she still won't let anyone in there ... including herself.

 

Maybe some day she will decide she wants to fully heal. I'm not holding my breath. And if that day comes, I don't know whether I will be able to be a part of it. RAD therapy about killed me. It's extremely emotionally draining.

 

Tara

[goldberry]

Just curious....are there any RAD children that actually get over it? I mean the really serious cases where they are totally destructive?

[Tap]

Just curious....are there any RAD children that actually get over it? I mean the really serious cases where they are totally destructive?

 

Sometimes yes, and sometimes no. The earlier it is caught, and the correct treatments put into place, the better. Once a child is no longer an infant/baby the less likely a child is to recover. It is like they miss the window of opportunity for those connections to be made in their brain, and once that window closes, some kids can never reopen it. That is why there is so much talk about the kid needing to want to heal. They have to reopen that part of their brain on their own, and it is usually sealed shut with a lot of negative emotions blocking it. They have to work through all the negative to reopen the window, and then begin to heal. The older the child, the more they have piled in front of the window and the harder they will have to work to unseal it.

 

ETA: a lot of the damage done to the children, is from events that occurred as infants. They don't even know what the problem is themselves. That is part of the reason that it is so important to have a RAD specialist. A traditional mental health professional, won't necessarily know how to help the affected person and can really make things worse and not better. Traditional therapists can work with the family, but not one-on-one with the child. That is part of Denise's logistics issue. She can't find anyone in her area to work with the dd herself.

Edited January 27, 2012 by Tap, tap, tap

[Denisemomof4]

Just curious....are there any RAD children that actually get over it? I mean the really serious cases where they are totally destructive?

 

Nancy Thomas has healed child killers. She has adopted several, healed them, then one in particular went on to be a nurse. I think she was in the documentary Child of Rage? I don't remember. You can read about this daughter I speak of on Nancy Thomas' site. There are more than one popular Nancy Thomas' out there so make sure you get the site which discusses RAD.

 

I bought her book "Dandelion On My Bed, Knife Beneath My Pillow" or something like that. I won't even open the book until I've found a good therapist who will help me as I read through it.

[AngelBee]

Nancy Thomas has healed child killers. She has adopted several, healed them, then one in particular went on to be a nurse. I think she was in the documentary Child of Rage? I don't remember. You can read about this daughter I speak of on Nancy Thomas' site. There are more than one popular Nancy Thomas' out there so make sure you get the site which discusses RAD.

 

I bought her book "Dandelion On My Bed, Knife Beneath My Pillow" or something like that. I won't even open the book until I've found a good therapist who will help me as I read through it.

 

:grouphug:

 

I wish I could cover you both with some sort of healing balm. I can not comprehend both of ur daily lives. My heart is breaking for you and your baby. :(

 

I wish I could help....or at least bring you coffee and a hug.

 

Rendom note....I had NO clue that biological children could have RAD. I feel so ignorant.....and I have been researching adoption for over 5 years.

[AngelBee]

:grouphug:

 

I wish I could cover you both with some sort of healing balm. I can not comprehend both of ur daily lives. My heart is breaking for you and your baby. :(

 

I wish I could help....or at least bring you coffee and a hug.

 

Rendom note....I had NO clue that biological children could have RAD. I feel so ignorant.....and I have been researching adoption for over 5 years.

 

And adopted! :lol: but totally different circumstance.

[Denisemomof4]

Sometimes yes, and sometimes no. The earlier it is caught, and the correct treatments put into place, the better. Once a child is no longer an infant/baby the less likely a child is to recover. It is like they miss the window of opportunity for those connections to be made in their brain, and once that window closes, some kids can never reopen it. That is why there is so much talk about the kid needing to want to heal. They have to reopen that part of their brain on their own, and it is usually sealed shut with a lot of negative emotions blocking it. They have to work through all the negative to reopen the window, and then begin to heal. The older the child, the more they have piled in front of the window and the harder they will have to work to unseal it.

 

ETA: a lot of the damage done to the children, is from events that occurred as infants. They don't even know what the problem is themselves. That is part of the reason that it is so important to have a RAD specialist. A traditional mental health professional, won't necessarily know how to help the affected person and can really make things worse and not better. Traditional therapists can work with the family, but not one-on-one with the child. That is part of Denise's logistics issue. She can't find anyone in her area to work with the dd herself.

 

this is what p*sses me off to no end. I'm so angry at my adoption agency that I can't even call them, STILL, all these years later. If they had DONE THEIR JOB to educate me, I could have identified what we were dealing with YEARS earlier. Had I done that, we would NOT be in the situation we are now. I'm so angry over this that I feel I could spit fire. They knew EXACTLY what they were keeping from me. I remember my social worker, that heartless cow, QUICKLY skimming over the possibility of attachment issues, and she really discouraged questions. I saw her face drop at some of my questions. I remember her telling me, "no matter what you end up with, adoption is forever. You will have that child forever." It was an online forum who corrected this lie for me. I honestly didn't know about disruption. I want to call that ruthless slob just to call her out on her lie.

 

The entire way the agency handled it all makes me SICK. They get these poster child families to come speak to a group of prospective adoptive parents, BUT THEY ARE WISE ENOUGH TO CATCH THEM DURING THEIR HONEYMOON PERIOD. We were such a good family for them, being brought around and put on display so they could see our good looking, well behaved bio children, our gorgeous and innocent little China doll. When did we do this? Within the month of our return from China. I had NO IDEA my daughter was a TOTAL AND COMPLETE mess that that time. Those morons know to catch the parents before any issues are identified. It's all a scheming, calculating, dishonest thing that makes me so ill. I remember everyone so impressed with how well our family adjusted, how well our baby adjusted. I didn't realize how screwed up my dd was. I have NO idea why it took me YEARS to be able to give her a darned bath or shower without her screaming bloody murder. I have NO idea why there was so much fear there. I had NO idea why so many babies in our group had to be held away from mom's face because they would grab faces to the point moms were bleeding. I had NO IDEA why my dd had such violent nights and couldn't sleep. I had NO IDEA that even at 14 months of age she was pushing my buttons day in and day out. I had NO IDEA she was so broken and damaged and had PTSD. So they parade us around and everyone ooooooos and aaaaaaahs over us, aren't we the most fabulous family, look at that perfect little China doll. Those idiots knew full well what was going on. At the annual reunion for the agency, the social worker avoided me as I cried because my BABY wanted to be in EVERY OTHER MOTHER'S ARMS BUT MY OWN. Would that selfish cow have the heart and morals to tell me to check into attachment disorder? No. And I am absolutely 100% positive that heartless cow knew exactly what we were dealing with. No doubt there at all.

 

We also were a family that fell through the cracks. EVERY ADOPTIVE FAMILY IN NH has to go through special courses before the adoption can take place. I don't remember if that was state wide of that was just for our agency. The classes weren't being offered when we needed them so they "grandfathered us in" and we never got to have the information on adopted kids's issues. A friend who adopted from the same agency as ours within a 6 month window got those classes. We never did. They should have sent us to their agency in MA for them. But instead they kept that information from us.

 

If I have ANY energy left in me when I am done raising my RADish, I want to make sure there are laws about the level of information EVERY family must have before they decide to adopt. We likely still would have adopted, but we would have been able to identify what we were dealing with when she was still a baby.

Edited January 27, 2012 by Denisemomof4

[Denisemomof4]

another thing that makes my blood boil is all the training that foster parents have to go through, all the education they get. They are made aware of all these issues, but foster parent's aren't, or don't have to be, forever parents. Don't you think that same type of information should be given to the FOREVER family?

[AngelBee]

Why don't all children just get the treatment just incase?

 

Seems like they are just setting families for failure. :(

[Danestress]

I don't blame you for being angry. That is incredibly sad and infuriating. You will always wonder how things could have been different if they had educated you about things to look for. I wonder how those people sleep at night:(

[TammyinTN]

I just read what RAD in tells and wow...you are an amazing person to me. You have my utmost respect. If there was anything that I could do...I surely would do it for you. I have no words of wisdom, but that little girl is so lucky to have you. Hang in there! :grouphug::group hug: I know that I'm definitely not strong enough to deal with all you have on your plate. So all I can do is send up loads of prayers and hugs to you!:grouphug:

[Tap]

I think it will take a law for therapists to start putting the time in to learning about RAD and the research into effective treatments to become a priority. I really believe that any parent who adopts, whether at one day old, or ten years old, should receive extra training for RAD. Yes, we all hope that we won't be the one and we would all still likely adopt. But just being able to identify the symptoms and common traits would go so far with the general public being able to identify and seek out help.

[Haiku]

Why don't all children just get the treatment just incase?

 

 

That would be like saying, "Let's put all kids' arms in casts just in case they are broken." In fact, it would be more like saying, "Let's give all kids chemotherapy just in case they have leukemia."

 

My son also came from an orphanage. He has his own truckload of health, learning, and behavioral issues, but he does not have RAD.

 

I did attachment work with him when he came to us, but he just needed help attaching to me. He didn't need to have his entire brain rewired the way my dd did. RAD therapy would not benefit kids without RAD, and in fact, I believe it would be emotionally damaging to many of them. RAD therapy involves forcing kids to give up control in order to force them to accept that they can trust you. Most kids don't need that.

 

And anyway, RAD therapy is expensive, exhausting, and extremely time-consuming. It is not for the faint-of-heart. And there are not enough RAD-trained therapists to treat any child who happened to be adopted. There aren't even enough for the ones who need it.

 

Tara

Edited January 27, 2012 by TaraTheLiberator

[Haiku]

But just being able to identify the symptoms and common traits would go so far with the general public being able to identify and seek out help.

 

That is true. And we did receive training in RAD. But RAD kids can turn your world upside down so much that you don't even believe yourself when you suspect RAD. They make you doubt your sanity, and they are so good at playing people against each other that they convince everyone else that they are perfect angels. Even my dh didn't fully believe me until he sat in a little room at the therapy agency and watched over closed circuit tv as the therapists questioned dd. I was right beside dh, telling him exactly what dd would say in response to their questions. Dh didn't understand 1) how I knew what she would say and 2) why she would say the things she was saying. I knew. I had lived with it for 3 years by then.

 

What I think would best help adoptive parents is to have resources in place BEFORE the child comes home. Make the initial contacts. Have the initial meetings. Six months after the child arrives (or before, if necessary), have the child evaluated. If everything is fine, GREAT! If not, help is already available.

 

My homestudy agency had no idea that there was a RAD program at a different agency right here in our city. My adoption agency, which was located in another state, had a therapist on staff who told me, over the phone, without ever having met my dd, that I wasn't being loving enough to my dd and that's why she acted the way she did.

 

I'm so angry at my adoption agency that I can't even call them

 

When we get mail from our placement agency, I rip it up and throw it away. I won't even read it. I hate them so much ... not because dd has RAD (they didn't come into her life until she was 10, so they had nothing to do with it) but because they LIED to me about tons of other things and did things to dd against our wishes that made life much harder for her and also ... I can't even talk about it. That plus the fact that their stupid cow therapist told me if I loved my dd enough, she wouldn't have RAD. B!tch.

 

Tara

[Denisemomof4]

 

And anyway, RAD therapy is expensive, exhausting, and extremely time-consuming. It is not for the faint-of-heart. And there are not enough RAD-trained therapist to treat any child who happened to be adopted.

 

Tara

 

this reason alone is why I'm getting dd12 and I into therapy. WE need the strength. I do not have the energy to get dd into RAD therapy at the moment, if there even is a good therapist for her. Dd and I need help. I have got to put that first right now, for dd12 even more than for myself. The research I've done, the work I've put into RAD, the counseling we've done, the workshops, I just am too tired to focus on anything but building my own strength right now. Dd12 is with me every step of the way, and she also needs to be able to benefit from these sessions.

 

I know I don't mention dh here, but as much as this is hard on him, the facts are that he gets to leave to go to the office, commute, etc. It's just different when you're away from the home a certain set number of days in the week.