Hadassah Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 My sister recently died of cancer. She lived far beyond her doctors' predictions and had a great quality of life to the very end. Despite being told that she would die by age 15, she lived long enough to have a daughter, who is now almost 9. My family's faith has guided and supported us through my sister's battle, and I am so grateful for that. My biggest concerns are with her daughter, Eliza. Under my sister's will, I am now Eliza's legal guardian. Dh and I love Eliza just as much as we love our biological children and our other adopted child, and we have no problem with accepting her into our family. She seems to be handling her mother's death quite well and attends weekly grief counseling. However, we are unsure how to handle her education. Up to this point she has been in public school since kindergarten. She is in third grade this year. If we put her in public school, she would be in an environment that she is used to and enjoys. I don't want her entire life to be upended, and going to ps would help her to retain a sense of normalcy. Though she would be in a new school since we live too far from her old school for that to be an option. However, I feel that Eliza would really thrive in our homeschool environment. For the past couple of weeks she has been informally participating in our homeschool and she seems to enjoy it. Our new school year begins April 1, so I would just have her do "third grade", since she seems a little behind. I feel like being in our homeschool would really help Eliza bond with our other children too. I have spoken to Eliza about this and she seems to have no preference. However - there has been/will be a LOT of additions to our family in recent times. Dh and I adopted a two y/o last year, I'm pregnant and due this summer, and now Eliza. Of course all of the additions and fully welcomed and loved, but it's just stressful and I really don't know what to do. Dh and I have prayed, spoken with our rabbi, spoken with Eliza's therapist, and we're really at a loss. Please advise. Thanks, Hadassah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If homeschooling seems to be working for her right now, I would encourage you to stick with it - at least for a while - as it may help your niece to more quickly bond with your family and feel like she is part of the family and that she belongs in her new home. If she would have still attended the same PS, I would have said to stick with what was working, but a new school can be very stressful, and this poor little girl has already had so much going on in her life. I think homeschooling would give her a strong sense of being loved and wanted, as well as be less stressful than adjusting to a new PS. Edited to add: I think it is absolutely wonderful of you and your dh to adopt your niece. She is so lucky to have such a caring aunt and uncle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If homeschooling seems to be working for her right now, I would encourage you to stick with it - at least for a while - as it may help your niece to more quickly bond with your family and feel like she is part of the family and that she belongs in her new home. If she would have still attended the same PS, I would have said to stick with what was working, but a new school can be very stressful, and this poor little girl has already had so much going on in her life. I think homeschooling would give her a strong sense of being loved and wanted, as well as be less stressful than adjusting to a new PS. Edited to add: I think it is absolutely wonderful of you and your dh to adopt your niece. She is so lucky to have such a caring aunt and uncle. :iagree::iagree: with all of it..... blessings to you and yours... ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I think attending a new school will be very stressful, especially as she may have to explain over and over about her mom dying. I think it may also put a stigma on her in the family, to be the only one sent away to school. I'd try homeschooling her, as long as she is agreeable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Since PS is half way through the year, and she would be at a new ps anyway...then I would not bother with it. Let her continue on with whatever you can do at home. Maybe spend from now til April catching her up or reinforcing/strengthening the basics. If it ends up not working out, then you can always enroll her in ps come next Sept. We got ds November 2010, and he was in ps. He much prefers homeschool. Hopefully, this will be the case eventually with Eliza. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Just giving this a little bump for you, Hadassah! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virg Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If homeschooling seems to be working for her right now, I would encourage you to stick with it - at least for a while - as it may help your niece to more quickly bond with your family and feel like she is part of the family and that she belongs in her new home. If she would have still attended the same PS, I would have said to stick with what was working, but a new school can be very stressful, and this poor little girl has already had so much going on in her life. I think homeschooling would give her a strong sense of being loved and wanted, as well as be less stressful than adjusting to a new PS. Edited to add: I think it is absolutely wonderful of you and your dh to adopt your niece. She is so lucky to have such a caring aunt and uncle. :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Since PS is half way through the year, and she would be at a new ps anyway...then I would not bother with it. Let her continue on with whatever you can do at home. Maybe spend from now til April catching her up or reinforcing/strengthening the basics. If it ends up not working out, then you can always enroll her in ps come next Sept. :grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mazakaal Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I agree with everyone else. If she would be able to stay at her old school, then I would say that was probably the best option, but starting at a new school half-way through the school year with everything else that's gone on for her sounds very stressful. If it seems like too much in the next few months, then after the baby is born, you could put her in school for the next school year. You would just have to be careful that she doesn't feel separated from your family as the only one being sent off to school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alpidarkomama Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 So sorry for your loss. I think the time spent becoming closer to you and your children will be far more valuable to her than attending school. She probably needs that closeness and support more than anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Agreeing with everyone else. I would think that switching PS's right now would be a lot tougher than staying with the other children in the family and fitting into your family environment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If homeschooling seems to be working for her right now, I would encourage you to stick with it - at least for a while - as it may help your niece to more quickly bond with your family and feel like she is part of the family and that she belongs in her new home. If she would have still attended the same PS, I would have said to stick with what was working, but a new school can be very stressful, and this poor little girl has already had so much going on in her life. I think homeschooling would give her a strong sense of being loved and wanted, as well as be less stressful than adjusting to a new PS. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 What could be better for her than being surrounded by loving family members? Homeschool her and take it easy. There's no rush. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 So sorry for your loss. I think the time spent becoming closer to you and your children will be far more valuable to her than attending school. She probably needs that closeness and support more than anything. I agree with this. Also, she might inadvertently feel left out. All the best to you, Hadassah. What a wonderful gift of your sister since she is no longer with you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 So sorry to hear of your loss. I agree with everyone else. Starting a new school can be very stressful. She will have less stress in the homeschool environment. I wish you all the best with your beautiful family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheAutumnOak Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If homeschooling seems to be working for her right now, I would encourage you to stick with it - at least for a while - as it may help your niece to more quickly bond with your family and feel like she is part of the family and that she belongs in her new home. If she would have still attended the same PS, I would have said to stick with what was working, but a new school can be very stressful, and this poor little girl has already had so much going on in her life. I think homeschooling would give her a strong sense of being loved and wanted, as well as be less stressful than adjusting to a new PS. Edited to add: I think it is absolutely wonderful of you and your dh to adopt your niece. She is so lucky to have such a caring aunt and uncle. I agree with this. Also, she might inadvertently feel left out. All the best to you, Hadassah. What a wonderful gift of your sister since she is no longer with you all. :iagree: and :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:...I am really sorry to hear about you losing your sister... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I would see how she feels about it to be honest. After my father died and mother remarried I had to go to a different school. On the outside it was all good but truly I resented it all. It came out later. She already would have to transfer schools, leaving her friends and everything, I would be sure that she is not going to be unhappy by losing out on going. If she was small I would say go for it, but at 9 this is the life she has had and she may harbor ill feelings that you changed it when she is already going through so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisabees Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I would see how she feels about it to be honest. After my father died and mother remarried I had to go to a different school. On the outside it was all good but truly I resented it all. It came out later. She already would have to transfer schools, leaving her friends and everything, I would be sure that she is not going to be unhappy by losing out on going. If she was small I would say go for it, but at 9 this is the life she has had and she may harbor ill feelings that you changed it when she is already going through so much. I'm going to agree with this. It may be stressful going to a new school, but it may also be a place to start fresh- new friends, new experiences. It would be her own place vs. staying home with her aunt, whom she already has to get used to. I have a third grader in ps. She would need to stay in a school setting. Best wishes with your decision. And so, so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacy in NJ Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 the odd one out if she's the only family member attending ps. Since she would need to change schools regardless, I vote for folding her into your homeschool. I'd keep an open mind about the possibility of ps if she expresses an interest later, though. :grouphug: to Eliza. What a difficult thing to lose your mother so young. I lost mine at 17, so I deeply empathize. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If she had a strong preference for public school, I would send her. But, she doesn't. Since she has a therapist and talking with her/him hasn't given you a clear direction, either, I would say your niece is unlikely to be hiding a strong preference. And it would be a whole different school, so she would already be away from her friends, etc. It can be difficult to integrate in the middle of a school year. Kids have formed their "friends" for that year. Since she doesn't have strong feelings, to send only her to public school (even if she kind of wanted it) would be to make her different from everyone else in your family--not included. I think the most important thing for her right now is inclusion in your family, especially with the new baby coming. She could even choose public school herself and feel excluded, you know? Homeschooling her gives her a nice cushion to land on during the transition. You could homeschool her for the rest of this semester, reassess, and change the course of action if it didn't work at the beginning of the next school year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trafal Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Good Morning, So sorry for your loss. I would start working to incorporate your niece into your homeschool provided this is something she is open to and welcomes. Considering the circumstances if she had strong objections and wanted to go ps then I would seriously consider that option. My husband and I were foster parents for 11 years and eventually adopted 4 of our foster children. I had periods of extreme demands because of the needs of some of the kids and the nature of my life in general during those years. Given all the changes your family is experiencing and the arrival of your new baby I would attempt to streamline and simplify everything. 1- Can you afford to hire someone to clean your house twice a month 2- Do you have access to a grocery store that will shop for you? That way you can just drive through and pick up the groceries. 3- Come up with a meal plan for 10 days worth of meals. Rotate the meals . This will help with the grocery planning too. 4- Teach the older children to fold the laundry and put it away. If you have meals and laundry covered then you can survive almost anything. 5- Have two 15 minute pick up sessions a day. Everyone attacks the clutter at one time. 6- Regular bedtimes for everyone. MOM MUST BE WELL RESTED. 7- Minimize trips out of the house. I suggest your religious activities plus one thing. You might consider buying a membership to a swimming pool, museum, a regular play group activity, or a weekly trip to the discount movie theater. Drop everything else. Remember this is only for a season. Can't think of anything else at the moment. HTH. Trafal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If homeschooling seems to be working for her right now, I would encourage you to stick with it - at least for a while - as it may help your niece to more quickly bond with your family and feel like she is part of the family and that she belongs in her new home. If she would have still attended the same PS, I would have said to stick with what was working, but a new school can be very stressful, and this poor little girl has already had so much going on in her life. I think homeschooling would give her a strong sense of being loved and wanted, as well as be less stressful than adjusting to a new PS. Edited to add: I think it is absolutely wonderful of you and your dh to adopt your niece. She is so lucky to have such a caring aunt and uncle. I, too, agree. And, with a toddler and one on the way, you do not need the hassle of dealing with public school schedules/homework. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If homeschooling seems to be working for her right now, I would encourage you to stick with it - at least for a while - as it may help your niece to more quickly bond with your family and feel like she is part of the family and that she belongs in her new home. If she would have still attended the same PS, I would have said to stick with what was working, but a new school can be very stressful, and this poor little girl has already had so much going on in her life. I think homeschooling would give her a strong sense of being loved and wanted, as well as be less stressful than adjusting to a new PS. Edited to add: I think it is absolutely wonderful of you and your dh to adopt your niece. She is so lucky to have such a caring aunt and uncle. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 She's your dd now and needs to be part of the family. I would keep her home and homeschool her. She's too young to make the decision herself, she's yours forever, so start to make that happen. You all know her mom so she can talk about her and doesn't have to lose her either. For a very difficult situation, she's a lucky girl. How much schooling gets done is less important than the bonding. :grouphug: to all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If homeschooling seems to be working for her right now, I would encourage you to stick with it - at least for a while - as it may help your niece to more quickly bond with your family and feel like she is part of the family and that she belongs in her new home. If she would have still attended the same PS, I would have said to stick with what was working, but a new school can be very stressful, and this poor little girl has already had so much going on in her life. I think homeschooling would give her a strong sense of being loved and wanted, as well as be less stressful than adjusting to a new PS. Edited to add: I think it is absolutely wonderful of you and your dh to adopt your niece. She is so lucky to have such a caring aunt and uncle. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 How does Eliza want to finish out the school year? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If homeschooling seems to be working for her right now, I would encourage you to stick with it - at least for a while - as it may help your niece to more quickly bond with your family and feel like she is part of the family and that she belongs in her new home. If she would have still attended the same PS, I would have said to stick with what was working, but a new school can be very stressful, and this poor little girl has already had so much going on in her life. I think homeschooling would give her a strong sense of being loved and wanted, as well as be less stressful than adjusting to a new PS. Edited to add: I think it is absolutely wonderful of you and your dh to adopt your niece. She is so lucky to have such a caring aunt and uncle. :iagree: This, AND, even though you said many changes are coming to your own household and how you want to keep your niece's environment as "unchanging" at possible, that in itself is not always possible. From my own experience, while nine years old is a high training year, nine year old kids are pretty resilient. Yes, she's going to have "days". Don't we all! But the beauty of homeschooling (or one of beauties, anyway) is flexibility. If she needs a break, you can let her have one. Truthfully, I really think homeschooling with your family might be the best thing for her rights now. Between now and April, give her an assessment in the different subject areas to really gauge her ability. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 She's your dd now and needs to be part of the family. I would keep her home and homeschool her. She's too young to make the decision herself, she's yours forever, so start to make that happen. You all know her mom so she can talk about her and doesn't have to lose her either. For a very difficult situation, she's a lucky girl. How much schooling gets done is less important than the bonding. :grouphug: to all of you. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 I think that what she wants right now trumps what's "best" for her education or what works best for you all. Ask her. Ask her if she would like to be educated at home with her cousins, or if she would rather attend the local public school. Bless her heart, poor child. I pray she has peace; and bless you all for taking her on. I know your heart must be sick for your sister. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivka Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 What were your sister's wishes on the subject? Since her illness was so extended, did she have the opportunity to plan ahead for her child? And is the father completely out of the picture? In the time that I've been on the WTM, there have been a surprising number of posters dealing with the death of a sister, adoption of nieces and nephews, and subsequent homeschooling decisions. A forum search might provide some helpful thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 Keep her home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommee & Baba Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 :grouphug: I'm biased of course. So I'm apologizing up front. I've found that my children are closer than ANY of us (meaning me & my dh) were with any of our siblings. I strongly believe and DH too that it's because of our decision to homeschool. It's not only brought us closer as a family but my kids are each other's bestfriend. They get into disagreements and have to work it out, they have to deal with sharing, and cranky kid days, and even responsibilities at home such as chores, and school work. If my kids were in public school they'd miss out on their little brother so much! So all that to say. I personally think that keeping her nearest to your family is probably the best for now. Just because a new school means new problems and many you might not be able to address until well after they've happened. She needs to be able to have a day of crying in the middle of the school year when she's having a rough day remembering her mama and she shouldn't have to be pointed out in class, walked to the nurses office, and have to wait on someone to pick her up...plus miss the rest of the day. Instead she should be able to comfortably excuse herself to her room and gather herself and return to school at the kitchen table...OR call it a day and just journal or read a book. TO me that sounds more theraputic! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If homeschooling seems to be working for her right now, I would encourage you to stick with it - at least for a while - as it may help your niece to more quickly bond with your family and feel like she is part of the family and that she belongs in her new home. If she would have still attended the same PS, I would have said to stick with what was working, but a new school can be very stressful, and this poor little girl has already had so much going on in her life. I think homeschooling would give her a strong sense of being loved and wanted, as well as be less stressful than adjusting to a new PS. Edited to add: I think it is absolutely wonderful of you and your dh to adopt your niece. She is so lucky to have such a caring aunt and uncle. I agree that this says it best. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hadassah Posted January 17, 2012 Author Share Posted January 17, 2012 What were your sister's wishes on the subject? Since her illness was so extended, did she have the opportunity to plan ahead for her child? And is the father completely out of the picture? In the time that I've been on the WTM, there have been a surprising number of posters dealing with the death of a sister, adoption of nieces and nephews, and subsequent homeschooling decisions. A forum search might provide some helpful thoughts. Eliza was sent to ps mainly because my sister's health was simply too frail for her to handle the extra stress and responsibilities of hs'ing. Sister purposely did not make explicit instructions for Eliza's future. Just before her death, sister told dh and I to "follow G-d and you cannot go wrong". She wanted us to make decisions for Eliza as if she were our own biological daughter. (That's not to say that sister completely neglected Eliza's future... she left almost all of her savings to Eliza's care, and wrote several letters to Eliza, as well as videotapes of herself and Eliza, so Eliza could remember her.) Yes, the father is out of the picture. Thank you all for your prayers and guidance in this difficult period. You all are amazing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 If homeschooling seems to be working for her right now, I would encourage you to stick with it - at least for a while - as it may help your niece to more quickly bond with your family and feel like she is part of the family and that she belongs in her new home. If she would have still attended the same PS, I would have said to stick with what was working, but a new school can be very stressful, and this poor little girl has already had so much going on in her life. I think homeschooling would give her a strong sense of being loved and wanted, as well as be less stressful than adjusting to a new PS. Edited to add: I think it is absolutely wonderful of you and your dh to adopt your niece. She is so lucky to have such a caring aunt and uncle. :iagree: I would homeschool her for the time being, and let her adjust to her new life. Good luck to all of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hadassah Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 Thank you so much for your support and suggestions. After talking with Eliza several times, and a lot more praying, dh and I have decided to keep Eliza home for now. As several of you said, if we were able to keep her in her old school, that would have changed things. Thanks again, Hadassah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 :grouphug: You have my condolences, and I am rooting for your entire family to come through this strong and whole. I am pretty certain you will. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 Thank you so much for your support and suggestions. After talking with Eliza several times, and a lot more praying, dh and I have decided to keep Eliza home for now. As several of you said, if we were able to keep her in her old school, that would have changed things.Thanks again, Hadassah I just wanted to tell you that your post was very touching. I think this also could be a period of adjustment. She might need some time to be more informal at home and get used to living with you, so homeschooling might be an appropriate transition. Perhaps you could make it clear that the decision could be reevaluated after you've all tried it for some time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Osmosis Mom Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 What were your sister's wishes on the subject? Since her illness was so extended, did she have the opportunity to plan ahead for her child? And is the father completely out of the picture? In the time that I've been on the WTM, there have been a surprising number of posters dealing with the death of a sister, adoption of nieces and nephews, and subsequent homeschooling decisions. A forum search might provide some helpful thoughts. I am agreeing with Rivka here. It missed my attention that this is the same poster who got pregnant after adopting, whose 15 yo is in college, who then has a sister dying on her, leaving her with a child whom she speaks with extensively over a period of 16 hours, most during the night, and then she decides to homeschool her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I am agreeing with Rivka here. It missed my attention that this is the same poster who got pregnant after adopting, whose 15 yo is in college, who then has a sister dying on her, leaving her with a child whom she speaks with extensively over a period of 16 hours, most during the night, and then she decides to homeschool her. hey girl.....!:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 I think attending a new school will be very stressful, especially as she may have to explain over and over about her mom dying. I think it may also put a stigma on her in the family, to be the only one sent away to school. I'd try homeschooling her, as long as she is agreeable. If it had been the same school, with the same friends/support system, then I would say leave her, but I think homeschooling her would be a great way to encourage friendships with her cousins/new siblings. And if you start her in 3rd grade in April, will she be in the same spot as your 8 yr old? So, while it would be a little extra work, it wouldn't be a whole lot (not that ANY child should be looked upon as extra work!). And that gives you a few months to see if it works. If it doesn't, then you can enroll her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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