Punishment for blatant lying?

[jenn-]

My 11 yo blatantly lied to us tonight. I went in earlier this evening surprised she wasn't going to read before going to bed but figured she was tired from the long day. I needed to find her new Kindle so I could put it on the charger so I flipped on her light (she had just gone to bed really) and she dove under the covers. As that is my first response to unexpected light, I thought nothing of it. I found the Kindle and left.

 

Fast forward 30 minutes and DH comes out of the bathroom asking if I was playing a game or something on my computer because he thought he heard music. My speakers stay muted constantly. I check the iPod charger where DD is supposed to keep hers every night after a previous electronics in bed after hours incident and sure enough it wasn't there. :glare:

 

I march down the hall with DH in tow and ask "Do you have your iPod on?" Immediately her answer was "No." "Where is it?" "I don't know." I flip the light on her and she dives under the covers again and I glance at her speaker she uses to listen to her iPod hoping it is plugged in on it. Not there. DH goes to feel for it under her pillow and I spot the headphones. Busted. It was bad to be caught with electronics in her room, but to lie about it!! In DH's world there is no bigger foul than lying to us.

 

Now we are in our never ending difference of opinion of what is an appropriate punishment so I turn to the Hive to see what you would do in this situation. DD is 11.5 yo with no real mental issues (unless you count puberty :glare:).

[jujsky]

Now if it was my kid, I'd cut her some slack since it's Christmas. If it wasn't Christmas, she'd lose her Ipod for a week.

[AK_Mom4]

At our house - the Ipod would stay on it's charger for a few days and she would need to apologize for lying 'cause it's rude (and a bit dumb to do).

[butterflymommy]

Cleaning bathrooms is the punishment of choice around here. :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

My kids listen to music so that they can relax and go to sleep. I think I would take it away for a week (like a PP said) but I might have some discussion with her as to why she wants it at bedtime.

[*********]

Well first of all, in our house, she would lose her ipod. She can't follow the rules about it, she can't have it. The length of time would be 'until dad and I decide you are mature enough to follow the rules'. Yep, I'm mean like that.

 

Now for the lying, I don't really know. My 6 and 8 year old boys do not lie. If they *did* blatantly lie, they'd get a spank, and they know it. We're not big on spanking, and I know it's controversial. But let me say, we have not had to spank the 8yo in, um, over a year, and don't expect to have to ever again. And the 6yo only very, very infrequently (like maybe twice in the past six months?) gets a spanking, and I suspect in the next year or so will not be getting them anymore, either. Lying and repeated (as in, more than once or twice) open defiance are the only causes for spanking in our home.

 

And I would not spank an 11 year old. That's just me, just my opinion. I think it's too old. Sooo, all that to say, you'll need to get creative on a good punishment for the lying.

 

So to sum up, :D, if she were my dd, it would go something like this.

 

"Well dd, {heavy sigh}, you blew it. Since you didn't follow the rules about ipod use, dad and I are taking it away. We'll give it back when we think you're mature enough to follow the rules. And if you ask for it back, or whine about not having it, don't expect to ever see it again. Now, as for the LYING, well, that gets it's own consequence. You know lying is absolutely NOT tolerated in this house, and your father and I are very disappointed that you chose to lie to us. We'll be discussing your punishment, and will let you know what it is when we're ready. And be prepared that it will be unpleasant."

 

Then, I'd leave her to stew on it for, oh, a good 48 hours. Seriously. Make her wonder and worry about what kind of trouble she's gotten herself into. Man, that was THE WORST when I was a kid. When I screwed up big time, and I KNEW I shouldn't have done what I did, and I got busted, and mom and dad made me wait DAYS to hear what the punishment was?! Ugh. You better believe I NEVER did it again.

 

Then in two days or so, tell her whatever you and your dh agree on. I don't really have any suggestions; you know your family, dd, and situation best, I'm sure you'll come up with something appropriate.

 

Oh, and :grouphug:. I'm sure we've all been there, or will be some day.

Edited December 26, 2011 by bethanyniez

[Laurie4b]

She'd lose her I-pod for a while here--part of the time for after-hours use and part of the time for lying about it. I'd specify which part of the time was for which offense. (Probably a week or two total.) Also, it would make sense to have her formally turn it into you each night.

 

I think it's a mistake to over-react to lying. It's one of those paradoxes but I think it makes it more likely. I would talk about the impact on trust and leave it at that.

[Barb_]

Yeah, I'd want to get to the bottom of it. Does she need it and feels like you wouldn't understand? Did Christmas just shut down her frontal lobe (I swear that happened to my 6.5 yo. No self control all day)? Or is she testing you? Testing would make me want to push back, but I'd really like to know why it happened if this is out of character for her.

[Whereneverever]

I'd try to get to the bottom of why she lied about it. Was it a Christmas thing? Some thing else?

 

My general method for dealing with lying to is talk about the destruction of trust, and then make them earn that back. We're big into telling the truth here and I have one child who is doesn't come easy for.

 

After a few days of having me double check every single thing that child tells me, she's really ready to not lie again.

 

For a while. :lol:

[myfunnybunch]

If this is the first time, I'd just take the iPod for a few days. I'd talk about trust and lying. When the iPod was returned, it would have to be "turned in" to a parent every night and put away somewhere she won't have access, until I felt she could be trusted to leave it alone.

 

Cat

[Amy in NH]

So reading a Kindle at bedtime is okay, but listening to an iPod isn't? I understand that the lying is your issue here, but you make it sound like she was doing something really bad by using her ipod... I don't get it.

[sewingmama]

I think it's a mistake to over-react to lying. It's one of those paradoxes but I think it makes it more likely. I would talk about the impact on trust and leave it at that.

 

:iagree:

 

 

I also agree that I don't see an issue with having an I-Pod at bedtime but obviously you have a rule for a reason - so just follow through with the consequence (no Ipod for a while or whatever). I wouldn't punish for the lying - I would just give a 'lecture: about trust and express disappointment that she felt she had to lie to me and leave it at that.

[kolamum]

Because it's a second offence for an "electronic's issue" I'd probably take it away for a while. I might go biblical for the lying.. as in have them look up verses and stories about said consequences for people who did so.

[Pamela H in Texas]

What I would do:

 

Start with finding out why she wanted it at night (esp since this is a second offense). Maybe there is a way to work that issue out. Maybe y'all can work on a different rule (the kind of music, the timing, etc).

 

Second is to work on why she lied, what she should have done instead, etc. I would be very open to my possible part in this. However, I most certainly will leave responsibility where it lies also. How I would proceed would be based on the discussion. I'd GUESS that there would be apologies all around and some amends making to do on her part.

 

I would consider, significantly, the issues of this particular week. We don't even DO Christmas and my people have jumped off the deep end.

 

As for consequences. I tend not to use punishment, especially with big kids. And I definitely lean towards not doing so when we can work things out otherwise. The idea would be that you want her to come to you and work out solutions rather than trying to go behind your back.

 

However, depending on how things went and how I feel is best for the child, I agree with one of the two restrictions mentioned above. I tend to be a "until we say otherwise" person as I generally take things away from older people because I feel they aren't ready for the opportunity and responsibility (those go hand in hand). However, I might do a shorter or specified time if I felt it reasonable based on the circumstances, especially if the thinking was of a much younger child.

 

Anyway, but mostly, I'd want to work out why she lied and the issue causing the problem in the first place in a "big kid" manner. This is a learning experience and many things will come up over the next couple years. You definitely want to be setting kiddo up for broaching issues as a big person not as a little one, IMO.

[jenn-]

Well first of all, in our house, she would lose her ipod. She can't follow the rules about it, she can't have it. The length of time would be 'until dad and I decide you are mature enough to follow the rules'. Yep, I'm mean like that.

 

Now for the lying, I don't really know. My 6 and 8 year old boys do not lie. If they *did* blatantly lie, they'd get a spank, and they know it. We're not big on spanking, and I know it's controversial. But let me say, we have not had to spank the 8yo in, um, over a year, and don't expect to have to ever again. And the 6yo only very, very infrequently (like maybe twice in the past six months?) gets a spanking, and I suspect in the next year or so will not be getting them anymore, either. Lying and repeated (as in, more than once or twice) open defiance are the only causes for spanking in our home.

 

And I would not spank an 11 year old. That's just me, just my opinion. I think it's too old. Sooo, all that to say, you'll need to get creative on a good punishment for the lying.

 

So to sum up, :D, if she were my dd, it would go something like this.

 

"Well dd, {heavy sigh}, you blew it. Since you didn't follow the rules about ipod use, dad and I are taking it away. We'll give it back when we think you're mature enough to follow the rules. And if you ask for it back, or whine about not having it, don't expect to ever see it again. Now, as for the LYING, well, that gets it's own consequence. You know lying is absolutely NOT tolerated in this house, and your father and I are very disappointed that you chose to lie to us. We'll be discussing your punishment, and will let you know what it is when we're ready. And be prepared that it will be unpleasant."

 

Then, I'd leave her to stew on it for, oh, a good 48 hours. Seriously. Make her wonder and worry about what kind of trouble she's gotten herself into. Man, that was THE WORST when I was a kid. When I screwed up big time, and I KNEW I shouldn't have done what I did, and I got busted, and mom and dad made me wait DAYS to hear what the punishment was?! Ugh. You better believe I NEVER did it again.

 

Then in two days or so, tell her whatever you and your dh agree on. I don't really have any suggestions; you know your family, dd, and situation best, I'm sure you'll come up with something appropriate.

 

Oh, and :grouphug:. I'm sure we've all been there, or will be some day.

 

You and my DH would get along well. This is pretty much exactly how the situation has gone down so far. Poor girl had to lie in bed all night wondering what punishment she would wake up to. That punishment is where DH and I disagree. I am all for just taking away the iPod and expressing that had she told us the truth she would have lost the iPod for a week, because she lied though, she loses it for a month. He wants her to write a report with references as to why lying is bad (uh, she probably couldn't do that if she wanted to). Or do the dishes for a week, or make her slave to her brothers' Lego building needs (I am staring at 18 kits right and that doesn't include the 4 or 5 she got :001_huh: ), or something else he hasn't thought up.

 

She said last night she lied to avoid getting in trouble and she was on the iPod because she just wanted to listen to her music. She is allowed to read for 30 minutes before lights out and for the one that asked about a Kindle, it is just that, only a basic Kindle and that is no different than a book. Besides, right now it has 2 dictionaries and the instruction manual, so she can read that whenever she wants right now. ;)

 

Had the girl bothered to say "Can I listen to some music before bed instead of reading tonight?" before going to bed, I might have said yes because of it being Christmas. If the iPod was just a music player, then maybe we could work out a future agreement, but she doesn't need to be up to all hours playing Angry Birds or whatever the game of choice currently is.

[Tammyla]

You asked a no win question...kwim???

 

Consider not asking them in the future and simply make a statement and deal with behavior.

 

 

"Hey, you're busted for xxx...Give me the ipod."

 

 

What ever your regular punishment is...give it with a reminder of your rules and move on.

[ma23peas]

You asked a no win question...kwim???

 

Consider not asking them in the future and simply make a statement and deal with behavior.

 

 

"Hey, you're busted for xxx...Give me the ipod."

 

 

What ever your regular punishment is...give it with a reminder of your rules and move on.

 

Yes! This! I think you and your husband overreacted, when kids fear their parents reaction, they often do things on the sly...kids should not 'fear' a reaction...it is our job to convince them we are reasonable, rational and loving...I would take the ipod away in a calm voice for a day, and lovingly tell her that if she is caught doing that again, it is gone for a week...the more repeats of a bad behavior usually equals longer dry spells of something they like...if that does not work we have serious but loving heart to hearts....loving is key here...I think you both overreacted.

[ma23peas]

 

Had the girl bothered to say "Can I listen to some music before bed instead of reading tonight?" before going to bed, I might have said yes because of it being Christmas. If the iPod was just a music player, then maybe we could work out a future agreement, but she doesn't need to be up to all hours playing Angry Birds or whatever the game of choice currently is.

 

I think the way you are both reacting explains why she did not bother to ask...he is going overboard and not showing a reasonable response...

[5forMe]

She would lose the iPod for a week for blatantly lying.

 

 

I would further explain why lying is NEVER okay.

[beaners]

Yes! This! I think you and your husband overreacted, when kids fear their parents reaction, they often do things on the sly...kids should not 'fear' a reaction...it is our job to convince them we are reasonable, rational and loving...I would take the ipod away in a calm voice for a day, and lovingly tell her that if she is caught doing that again, it is gone for a week...the more repeats of a bad behavior usually equals longer dry spells of something they like...if that does not work we have serious but loving heart to hearts....loving is key here...I think you both overreacted.

 

I think the way you are both reacting explains why she did not bother to ask...he is going overboard and not showing a reasonable response...

 

Really? My parents didn't go overboard with consequences for lying, but I still came up with many, many lies of convenience at that age. It was easier to sneak and lie about something than go and ask, even when I knew the answer might be yes.

 

A lot of that was environmental, which is why I make a very strict point to not offer up little lies as an adult that I heard as a child. I heard adults use lying to get out of things all the time. We were stuck in traffic instead of slow getting out of the house. We were already busy with an event instead of declining an unwanted invitation. Checks were lost in the mail instead of late getting out. I know that my experience is not unusual. Now, I'm sure children learn to lie without the kind of influence I had. My (young) children still need to be reminded that we tell the truth instead of the easiest thing to say. I anticipate it getting worse instead of better in the teenage years. But my own lying was not because my parents were unreasonable.

 

As far as punishments, my own least favorite was being told to select my own punishment. I think I was probably harder on myself than my parents would have been.

[Word Nerd]

Whatever you and DH decide, I would deal with it promptly and not over react. Talk about why you have the rule and be willing to hear her reasons for finding the rule unreasonable. Establish the consequences and then move forward--and let her move forward. I would not manipulatively hang the punishment over her head for several days to make her "stew on it" and wonder how bad it will be, as a pp suggested. All that would do is escalate the drama and prove in her mind that she was justified in hiding her breaking of the rules.

Edited December 26, 2011 by WordGirl

[Harriet Vane]

At our house - the Ipod would stay on it's charger for a few days and she would need to apologize for lying 'cause it's rude (and a bit dumb to do).

 

:iagree:

[Word Nerd]

Nt

Edited December 26, 2011 by WordGirl

[jenn-]

Punishment was doled out. DH found some information about why lying is bad written by what read like other children forced to write about why lying is bad. He made her read it and then write her own version. Pretty much sounded like "Lying is bad because people lose their trust and you can go to jail," repeated over and over, but DH accepted it. She will still lose her iPod for a month. She is lucky that it only included the iPod. Last time she was busted with her laptop in bed and she lost all of her personal electronics for a month and now stores them all out in open sight at bedtime. I had just gotten lazy about checking before she went to bed, but she is 11 and she knows the rule.

 

For those that think I was setting her up for lying, I was really hoping DH was just hearing things and that she would tell me that it was on her speakers or desk. When she couldn't tell me where it was, we went looking for it because that was suspicious behavior and grounds for searching. I guess next time I will just walk in and say "Cough up the XYZ" and hope she doesn't actually have it to give.

[Pamela H in Texas]

A month seems like an awfully long punishment. If it were a matter of "until you seem like you're ready" and that *was* a month, that would be one thing; but a month as "payment" for her choice seems steep.

[elegantlion]

A month seems like an awfully long punishment. If it were a matter of "until you seem like you're ready" and that *was* a month, that would be one thing; but a month as "payment" for her choice seems steep.

 

:iagree: :001_huh: Saying this gently, but I think you are setting yourself up to get lied to in the future. If you have established rule, fine, take it away for a few days or a week. A month is enough time to build resentment beyond learning the initial lesson. Just my .02.

Edited December 26, 2011 by elegantlion

[Abigail4476]

I think she loses her iPod for 24 hours because of the lie, but then you should consider changing your rule. :tongue_smilie: In fact, it might be a good idea to say something like, "If you don't like one of our rules, you can talk to us about it and we'll consider changing it. Don't go behind our backs and break the rule; discuss it with us instead."

 

My dd14 listens to music as she's working or going to sleep. It relaxes her. I turn on my lullaby setting on the iPad when I'm going to sleep for the same reason. My brain needs something to focus on or else my mind will race and I won't be able to fall asleep for hours. I would let her listen to music whenever she wants. We don't allow computer time, video games, tv or texting after certain hours, but I think music is a good thing for some kids.

 

ETA: I agree that a month is wayyyy too long. In my experience, shorter punishments are far more effective. Take it away for a month and she'll simply relearn how to do without it.

[AK_Mom4]

I guess next time I will just walk in and say "Cough up the XYZ" and hope she doesn't actually have it to give.

:iagree:

 

This is an excellent technique, BTW. I really prefer dealing with the issue at hand (sneaking in the electronics) rather than giving them kids the opportunity to make it worse by lying about it. If she doesn't have it, you can always apologize and move on, saving face for everyone.

[Guest submarines]

This kind of disproportionate punishment is nothing but an incentive for more lies, especially when a transgression is actually a serious one.

[jenn-]

24 hours without her iPod would mean nothing to her. She goes longer than that not playing on it herself. A week might have stung a little, especially since we are going camping this week, but she has so many new "toys" that it probably wouldn't have mattered. A month gives her time to be thoroughly bored with life and wanting something else to play with. I do not object to music at night, but she has NEVER used it before and I do not think this was a case of wanting it to settle down with. This was strictly a desire to listen to music for the sake of listening to it. I will gladly show her how to set her alarm clock radio to sleep mode so she can listen to quiet music while going down for the night, but the iPod will never be acceptable.

[PinkInTheBlue]

I completely agree with you. Not only did she (#1) lie, (#2) break a known rule of the house but it was (#3) a repeated and deliberate breaking of said rule. It's nobody's business to agree with the rule; your house and your rule. Your daughter not only knew the rule but had intentionally crossed it before. This is more than breaking a rule OR lying. This is a deliberate repeat. She likely has little intentions of following the house rules.

 

*I* think a month of lose of iPod and a lot of conversations on lying and why the house rules are what they are is a good beginning.

 

We have the same rule here. Just to clarify an iPod is a music only device. I think you are saying she had her iPod Touch in her bed? Unrestrained access to Internet and such is a huge No here. Not to mention the playing of available games is not a great way to settle your brain before sleep.

 

I completely agree here. Just my opinion and just saying. :)

[LibraryLover]

This kind of disproportionate punishment is nothing but an incentive for more lies, especially when a transgression is actually a serious one.

 

 

My stomach hurts reading this thread. What a way to set up a kid for failure. This also sounds like a great recipe for family disharmony and emotional distance.

[annandatje]

that should go well since we all lie all the time to protect people's feelings and etc.

 

I think this is all a bunch of ridiculous fuss about nothing. You put the kid in a position to lie and sneak around and you punish her regularly, so of course she will lie.

 

http://www.scholastic.com/resources/article/the-truth-about-lying

 

 

:iagree:

[annandatje]

My stomach hurts reading this thread. What a way to set up a kid for failure.

 

 

:iagree:

[Julie in CA]

Oh, man.

Lying is one of the worst infractions in our house and our dc know it. I'm also a rather strict parent. I still think your dh is out of line, and you're finding it acceptable. :001_huh:

 

At our house, there would be a stern reprimand (by that I mean about two minutes or so), the iPod would be gone completely for a week, and there would be a slight lessening of other privileges for about two weeks. There would *not* be essay writing, researching, further recriminations, or shaming.

 

The kid would have been told it was wrong, that I was disappointed in their choice, and that the consequence was that the iPod would be confiscated for a week and that trust was damaged for a little while. Then I'd sigh, give them a hug, and move on.

[LibraryLover]

My dds share a room, so they both couldn't play radios at the same time without disturbing each other. They have books as well as music on their iPods. Instead of earbuds, they have soft head seats, which is much more comfortable. Oldest dd mostly drifts off to music, and the 12 year listens to chapter books on hers, after she and I read our ongoing chapter book together in my bed. Our iPods do not have internet. I think iPods can be very helpful items.

Edited December 26, 2011 by LibraryLover

[*********]

I'm sorry, but I'm sharing my opinion here, even though it won't be popular.

 

And before anyone decides to throw tomatoes, please realize there are opinions expressed in this thread that I HEARTILY disagree with as well, and I'm not gonna flame anyone.

 

I think the OP and her dh picked a fine punishment. Is it what everyone else here would do? No. Is that ok? Yes.

 

I disagree that it is contributing to family disharmony, or exceptionally over the top, or apt to create emotional distance, or out of line. I flat out disagree.

 

They're not beating her or otherwise physically punishing her, screaming at her, belittling her, or using inappropriate language. Those things would be wrong. But taking her ipd for a month and making her write an essay? Pfft. Not that big of a deal, in my world. She'll live. She'll hopefully learn. An ipod is not a right, it's a priveledge.

 

Maybe they're harsher about it than others would chose to be. Frankly, I don't think they are. But hey, we can agree to disagree.

[MSNative]

I completely agree with you. Not only did she (#1) lie, (#2) break a known rule of the house but it was (#3) a repeated and deliberate breaking of said rule. It's nobody's business to agree with the rule; your house and your rule. Your daughter not only knew the rule but had intentionally crossed it before. This is more than breaking a rule OR lying. This is a deliberate repeat. She likely has little intentions of following the house rules.

 

*I* think a month of lose of iPod and a lot of conversations on lying and why the house rules are what they are is a good beginning.

 

We have the same rule here. Just to clarify an iPod is a music only device. I think you are saying she had her iPod Touch in her bed? Unrestrained access to Internet and such is a huge No here. Not to mention the playing of available games is not a great way to settle your brain before sleep.

 

I completely agree here. Just my opinion and just saying. :)

:iagree:

[LibraryLover]

I have seen over and over, with my own life and eyes, that harsh childhood punishments do not contribute to family closenss. Beatings are not the only things that harm family relationships. THis may not been seen until adulthood. There are many posters on this board who dread being with their families, even on Christmas. Over time, people get beaten down emotionally. You can only take so much shame and your parents' disappointment in you before you simply don't want to deal with any of it, and you don't want your kids around it.

Edited December 26, 2011 by LibraryLover

[elegantlion]

Okay, I'm wading in. This a general reply to situation, not a commentary on the OP or her dd.

 

11.5 is a great age to start building trust and cementing the lines of communication. It's also a great age for a child to start having more say in how their possessions are used. Lying is not acceptable, but why did she lie? Why is she not allowed to use an Ipod at bedtime? Is it not her Ipod? Numerous people have replied that music at bedtime helps sleep, not hinder it.

 

So she lied and got in trouble. The punishment may seem harsh to her and a bit over the top. What happens when a real teen issue arises? What has she learned? Again, I am not speaking to the OP's dd in particular, but to the situation. She's learned that I get in trouble when I get caught doing something I shouldn't. Okay, she learns how to lie better. In this situation are her feelings and desires taken into account? Is there two way communication happening? Or is it all disciplinary action? A divide is created between the child and the parents. They can be seen as disciplinarians lording their authority over the child. The child thinks they don't care about her feelings or desires and one line of communication gets cut off. She also learns that she doesn't have full say in her possessions. She may see the no Ipod at bedtime as some random rule that has no logic in her world. She may even start to believe she doesn't get a say in her own actions. She suppresses her desires, she doesn't feel accepted by her parents. I was a 12 year old girl once, teen logic, hormones, and a few rules I didn't understand made the above scenario quite real in my life.

 

I ended up dating guys that had random authoritative rules. I didn't know how to value, articulate, or take action on my own thoughts and desires. I kept waiting for people with more authority to do stuff for me. Get into the wrong relationship and that can spell disaster.

 

I was an adult before I started really being able to communicate with my parents. There are still things I did as a teen that my parents have no clue about. I'm 44. I knew at the time I couldn't be honest with them because they wouldn't accept the choices I made. There were a few times I did stupid things and should have called them to come get me, I couldn't. I didn't fear punishment, I feared them.

 

So again, this is not in particular to the OP, their relationship may be entirely different. But random rules and harsh punishments for non-dangerous activities drove a wedge in my communication with my parents.

[regentrude]

. I do not object to music at night, but she has NEVER used it before and I do not think this was a case of wanting it to settle down with. This was strictly a desire to listen to music for the sake of listening to it. I will gladly show her how to set her alarm clock radio to sleep mode so she can listen to quiet music while going down for the night, but the iPod will never be acceptable.

 

:confused: What's wrong with listening to music for the sake of listening to music?

And why on Earth will the iPod never be acceptable? Does it occur to you that she might want to listen to very specific music, and not just any music that happens to play on the radio?

 

What are you planning to do when there is a real issue?

 

I really do not understand why you choose this to make it a battle.

ETA: I find that my children respond very well to rules - IF we can explain the reasoning behind a rule. "No self-selected music at bedtime" would not be a rule we could satisfactorily explain.

Edited December 26, 2011 by regentrude

[Ali in OR]

Life without an ipod at age 11.5 is not harsh. One month without an ipod is not harsh. My 11.5 year old does not own an ipod--what horrible parents she must have if they have not plugged her in yet! Come on, children do not need to have endless access to electronics to have a happy life. There are excellent reasons to not allow electronics in the bedroom. If you ever have a child with sleep issues or have sleep issues yourself that lead you to see a specialist in sleep medicine, you will learn that t.v., reading, or anything other than white noise are not conducive to healthy sleep habits. Google sleep hygiene to read recommendations for good sleep. Parents who have rules about no electronics in bedrooms are not cruel or out of touch; they are creating a healthy environment for their kids. The number of adolescents and high school kids who do not get enough sleep and eventually suffer consequences significant enough to see a sleep specialist is ever increasing. I'm sure use of electronics late at night is a big factor to this increase (as are too much homework and busy schedules).

 

I don't like the judgement being expressed that this parent should lighten up. I'm not arguing that all parents should keep electronics out of kids' rooms; that is a decision for individual families to make. But even if electronics use is okay in your home, you might try to understand a little more why other good parents make a different decision for their families. If I ever thought that electronics use was making my child unbalanced in any way (not enough sleep, not following rules of use, causing behavior or attitude problems), the electronics would be gone. And her life would still be good and happy with many other things to fill the void.

[8circles]

You asked a no win question...kwim???

 

Consider not asking them in the future and simply make a statement and deal with behavior.

 

 

"Hey, you're busted for xxx...Give me the ipod."

 

 

What ever your regular punishment is...give it with a reminder of your rules and move on.

 

:iagree:

[Laura in MI]

Oh, man.

Lying is one of the worst infractions in our house and our dc know it. I'm also a rather strict parent. I still think your dh is out of line, and you're finding it acceptable. :001_huh:

 

At our house, there would be a stern reprimand (by that I mean about two minutes or so), the iPod would be gone completely for a week, and there would be a slight lessening of other privileges for about two weeks. There would *not* be essay writing, researching, further recriminations, or shaming.

 

The kid would have been told it was wrong, that I was disappointed in their choice, and that the consequence was that the iPod would be confiscated for a week and that trust was damaged for a little while. Then I'd sigh, give them a hug, and move on.

 

:iagree:

[jenn-]

I thank everyone for your responses. I will admit to being very surprised at most of them, but I did ask for them. I will say that I thought DH was going above and beyond what the situation called for when he wanted her to write the report, but the 30 days was mine. He wasn't making her scrub the baseboards with a toothbrush like my parents would have made me and he had printed off the reading for her already.

 

iPods are not a right even one that is considered hers. If it is under our roof, it falls under our jurisdiction. We can take away or give privileges to anything in the house. They don't have to like it, but it is the way it is until they move out.

 

DD is at the age that she needs to learn about real life consequences about disobeying rules whether she likes them or not. There are many spots on the road that I think should have a much higher speed limit, but that doesn't give me the right to speed in them. If I get caught speeding, lying to a cop would get me in more trouble not just a slap on the wrist. I don't want to think about what would happen if I chose to argue about the stupid speed limit with them at that point instead of acting contrite. Break that rule enough times and the state will take your drivers license away for however long they want. Not to mention your insurance rate will sky rocket if you can still get it at all.

[PinkInTheBlue]

I thank everyone for your responses. I will admit to being very surprised at most of them, but I did ask for them. I will say that I thought DH was going above and beyond what the situation called for when he wanted her to write the report, but the 30 days was mine. He wasn't making her scrub the baseboards with a toothbrush like my parents would have made me and he had printed off the reading for her already.

 

iPods are not a right even one that is considered hers. If it is under our roof, it falls under our jurisdiction. We can take away or give privileges to anything in the house. They don't have to like it, but it is the way it is until they move out.

 

DD is at the age that she needs to learn about real life consequences about disobeying rules whether she likes them or not. There are many spots on the road that I think should have a much higher speed limit, but that doesn't give me the right to speed in them. If I get caught speeding, lying to a cop would get me in more trouble not just a slap on the wrist. I don't want to think about what would happen if I chose to argue about the stupid speed limit with them at that point instead of acting contrite. Break that rule enough times and the state will take your drivers license away for however long they want. Not to mention your insurance rate will sky rocket if you can still get it at all.

 

:iagree: :grouphug::001_smile:

[Barb_]

At this point in time, you handled the situation in an okay manner. Not great, not horribly, but okay. It could have been better, and maybe once the sting subsides you could reread the thread and think about incorporating more relationship building techniques into your dealings with your almost-teen. Authoritarian, punitive parenting can only take you so far as your kids grow into adulthood.

[PinkInTheBlue]

What a ridiculous comparison. What a needless and bizarre discussion this all is.

 

There is no real life consequence for choosing to listen to music (or in our house a book) on an iPod at night. This is an arbitrary rule with no real reasoning behind it at a;; and which you choose to enforce with an over reaction and over use of parental power. Its just power tripping meanness.

 

I have to say that your responses are very likely the most rude comments to someone I've ever seen on this board. I've been here for years, so that's impressive. In my opinion, if you didn't have a high post count, your responses would be yet another case of suspected trollish that's so rampant lately.

 

We have another thread going on right now where a Dad got so emotionally involved in an argument with his step-son that he actually said he was going to get the mother or he might punch the son. I don't have any significant problems with his response but her situation got so much support compared to something as simple as the OP here. What's the deal?

 

Her daughter broke a rule. Her daughter lied. Her daughter was knowingly and blatantly repeating a known offense. She was asking thoughts on different punishments, not whether or not your opinion of HER rule in HER house was right. So many of these responses are so judgmental and disrespectful of a situation we aren't even truly a part of. There is likely much more we don't even know. We (you as well) don't know that she's never had a conversation with her daughter as to the "whys" to having the iPod. You don't know the situation and yet you are throwing fast, hard and rude judgments on her.

 

IF indeed her daughter's iPod is actually an iPod Touch, then the device in the room is a completely different story of simply not being able to listen to music. The OP said earlier that her reason for not having the iPod was that she didn't want her up playing games. She said she didn't have any problems with her listening to music and would even help her set up music on her radio/alarm clock, I believe.

 

I don't see anywhere she's been on any power-tripping meanness streak. I do see some of that on this thread though. I've seldom seen a thread that made me more disappointed and sick on this board. I tell everyone who I have the conversation with that the reason I enjoy this board and NO other is the ability to have open, attack-less conversations is most times so easy. There is a good reason I enjoy conversation here and not on Facebook.

[AimeeM]

There is no real life consequence for choosing to listen to music (or in our house a book) on an iPod at night. This is an arbitrary rule with no real reasoning behind it at a;; and which you choose to enforce with an over reaction and over use of parental power. Its just power tripping meanness.

 

As I was ripped a new one in another post for suggesting a stepfather was out of line for threatening to punch his stepson, I will just say I agree with you and leave it at that :D I'm not great in discipline threads obviously.

[jenn-]

I have to say that your responses are very likely the most rude comments to someone I've ever seen on this board. I've been here for years, so that's impressive. In my opinion, if you didn't have a high post count, your responses would be yet another case of suspected trollish that's so rampant lately.

 

We have another thread going on right now where a Dad got so emotionally involved in an argument with his step-son that he actually said he was going to get the mother or he might punch the son. I don't have any significant problems with his response but her situation got so much support compared to something as simple as the OP here. What's the deal?

 

Her daughter broke a rule. Her daughter lied. Her daughter was knowingly and blatantly repeating a known offense. She was asking thoughts on different punishments, not whether or not your opinion of HER rule in HER house was right. So many of these responses are so judgmental and disrespectful of a situation we aren't even truly a part of. There is likely much more we don't even know. We (you as well) don't know that she's never had a conversation with her daughter as to the "whys" to having the iPod. You don't know the situation and yet you are throwing fast, hard and rude judgments on her.

 

IF indeed her daughter's iPod is actually an iPod Touch, then the device in the room is a completely different story of simply not being able to listen to music. The OP said earlier that her reason for not having the iPod was that she didn't want her up playing games. She said she didn't have any problems with her listening to music and would even help her set up music on her radio/alarm clock, I believe.

 

I don't see anywhere she's been on any power-tripping meanness streak. I do see some of that on this thread though. I've seldom seen a thread that made me more disappointed and sick on this board. I tell everyone who I have the conversation with that the reason I enjoy this board and NO other is the ability to have open, attack-less conversations is most times so easy. There is a good reason I enjoy conversation here and not on Facebook.

 

Thanks for sticking up for me. I knew to have my flame retardant big girl panties on when I posted and I am trying really hard not to get my feelings hurt. I asked what others would do and for the most part people have responded with such. The good news about parenting is that I have the right to screw up my kids just like everyone else has the right to screw up theirs.

 

Just to clarify, it is indeed an iPod Touch.