Too young to marry? How 'young' were you?

[Stillwood]

My daughter and her Air Force BF want to get married. She will be 18 in 6 months. They talked about marrying 4 months after her 18th birthday. I'm getting unsolicited comments on how they don't know what they're doing; they'll be divorced in three months, etc. I'm not sure that waiting a specific amount of time will guarantee a marriage, either.

 

They're also 'waiting for marriage', if you know what I mean.

 

Curious if you & hubby or friends married young and successfully so.

 

I'd also like to know what to say to these naysayers.

[Mama2Many4]

I was 22 when I was married. DH was 36. I say go for it. We've been married for 9 years and together for 11.

[Quiver0f10]

I got married at 18 and we will celebrate 25 years in August.

[Guest]

I got married a week after I turned 19; we celebrated 10 years in April. :001_wub:

[QuirkyKapers]

I don't know if this is considered young, but I was 22 and hubby 24. We have been married 20 years. There were a lot of growing pains that maybe if I had waited, I would have been more in touch with who I was as a person. On the flip side, my hubby has supported and helped me grow in so many ways that maybe I wouldn't have changed into who I am now without him.

[Lily_Grace]

19 and divorced a short time after. Married again for good.

 

Before they get married I'd really strongly encourage her to have a plan. Young military wives have it hard, especially if they're sent halfway around the world and their husband deploys a month after they get there. If she's not sound in who she is, if she doesn't have a life plan or goals she's actively working toward, she will be at greater risk for floundering and their marriage suffering.

[chepyl]

DH and I were both 21. We will celebrate 11 years in Jan.

[Wabi Sabi]

I was 26, dh was 28 when we got married. I still wished I had waited a couple more years.

 

I personally would do everything in my power to discourage any of my children from getting married so young although I realize that by 18 they no longer need my permission.

 

I realize that there are many people, especially on a board like this, who married quite young and are perfectly happy. I'm thrilled for you, really. No snark. But, that's not what I want for my children at all.

 

I'd much prefer them to sow their wild oats (carefully and with maturity!) and marry when they're older, so to speak, than to wait for marriage and marry young.

[MindyD]

I was 19, my Air Force dh was 24, and we just celebrated out 11th anniversary. I say go for it.

[Amirah]

got married at 22 Dh was 36. i "waited" too (husband was previously married)we been married 4 1/2 yrs now. i know ppl who got married at 18 and are still married so its not necessarily divorce bound

[wapiti]

If college is on the table, waiting until most or all of that is completed seems reasonably wise.

[PiCO]

I'm getting unsolicited comments on how they don't know what they're doing; they'll be divorced in three months, etc. I'm not sure that waiting a specific amount of time will guarantee a marriage, either... I'd also like to know what to say to these naysayers.

 

Tell them, "I would appreciate your showing support for the young couple. If you can't keep your negative thoughts to yourself, at the very least keep them away from me and the couple."

 

Seriously, I have had those say thoughts about couples- but I would never be so uncouth as to make my thoughts known. And I'm not sure if there are statistics regarding the length of young marriages vs older marriages.

 

I have a friend who got married when she was pregnant at 17, to the 30-yo father. They are still happily married, 30 years later.

 

ETA- I married at 29, and I would not have been ready for marriage any earlier than that. But I know plenty of people who have married young, and it worked out fine for them.

[elegantlion]

I got married at 19, divorced at 23, remarried at 25, been together almost 20 years.

 

At 19, I was mature enough and thought I would stay married. Ex-h had other ideas. He was not mature enough, my mistake.

 

I'm not against young marriage. I know some couples that have known each other all their lives.

 

To the naysayers? IDK. I would think a young man in the Air Force has a different level of maturity than an 18 year old hanging out on mom's sofa, not knowing what they want from life.

[myfunnybunch]

The naysayers probably aren't going to be swayed by others' experiences. They're concerned, even though it's misplaced. Remember how young you were when you were that age? LOL

 

Be proud of the young couple. Say so. Trust them to figure it out together, and say that too. Encourage the naysayers to support their marriage as they negotiate adult life as a couple.

 

:grouphug:

 

My sister got married at 19, to her high school sweetheart. They met when she was 13, started dating when she was 16. She and her husband have 8 children and are still very happily married 24 years later.

 

A dear friend got married fresh out of high school, at 18. She is still happily married 25 years later.

 

One of my dearest best friends got married at barely 20. They have been through health trials that most of us will never have to face, and they are still strong and happy together...24 years later.

 

:grouphug: They will build the life they build. I hope their years together are blessed. :)

 

Cat

[GoVanGogh]

I got married one month before my 19th birthday. Tomorrow is our 25th anniversary. I won't say it has been easy, but I certainly would do it again. We didn't have children right away, which I do think helped.

But I have friends that regretted marrying young. And my sister (also married young) is currently getting divorced after 30 years of marriage. (He left her for a much younger 'woman.')

I really don't think there are any rights or wrongs, as far as marrying age goes. Some last. Some don't. There isn't a test to take before that will ensure eternal love.

[ciyates]

[quote name=Lily_Grace;3382247

 

Before they get married I'd really strongly encourage her to have a plan. Young military wives have it hard' date=' especially if they're sent halfway around the world and their husband deploys a month after they get there. If she's not sound in who she is, if she doesn't have a life plan or goals she's actively working toward, she will be at greater risk for floundering and their marriage suffering.[/quote]

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I was 18 when I married my Seabee. We celebrated 18 years yesterday!

[jennsmile]

I got married at 19. We have been married for 12 years. And have 3 kids and on on the way. He was 10 years older.

[FaithManor]

I was 20 and a junior in college. Dh was 24. We've been married 23 1/2 years. My parents were married at 18. They will celebrate their 50th anniversary in May. It was not a "staying together because that's what's expected kind of marriage either". It has been a loving, devoted relationship.

 

My sister waited until she was 26 and is now divorced at 30. My brother married at 18 and was married for 16 years when his wife's constant infidelity took a toll and they divorced. He remarried and though he was 36 at the time, I can't say that age and experience made him any wiser. They'll stay together by sheer force of will, but they are very unhappy.

 

Niece #1, waited until 30 to marry. That relationship is on the rocks now. Niece #2 married at 18 and has been married 10 years and quite happily too.

 

So, in making a mental tally of the couples I know - how old they were when they married, whether or not they are still married, when they divorced if they aren't together, etc., I'd have to say that I cannot see a correlation between age at the time of marriage and marital longevity. I'd say the bigger factor is maturity. I've met 50 years olds who aren't as mature as my 20 year old dd!

 

Faith

[jenangelcat]

18. 12 years ago.

[TeacherZee]

My mum was 19 when she married my dad. They celebrate 35 years in two weeks. Still very very happily married.

[regentrude]

I have been together with DH since I was 18, but we waited for 6+ years before marrying (shortly before finishing grad school). I am glad we did; I believe being together through a variety of situations does help to figure out if this is really the right person to marry.

 

I will encourage my DD to wait at least until she has completed her education and is able to support herself.

[tvaleri]

FWIW, my son married in the spring. He was barely 20; his wife-21. They courted for almost two years before they tied the knot. They've been through pre-marital counseling with the pastor and continue to meet with him for the first year after marriage. Interestingly, her parents married right out of high school @ age 18. They celebrated 26 years in October. Her mom was over Thanksgiving and commented on how all her family was giving out grief b/c the next dd (19) is engaged. Funny, all those handing out criticism have children who are living together, are divorced, or have children out of wedlock.

 

Personally, my peace with my young adults marrying would lie with if they had prayed and sought G-d for His direction, how long they'd known each other, and if they had taken time to see how this person interacts with family and friends before marrying. My oldest daughter, 23 (who is in the belly of the whale), married at 19. They are in the process of divorcing.

 

Anyhow, recently received a homeschool supply magalog in which the author commented on each of her six children. Almost all those aged 20+ were married. She stated marriage has a way of maturing them. So true. I've seen leaps and bounds of maturing in my son whom I was sure would be at home until he was 40 LOL!

 

JMHO,

Teresa in NC

[Cheryl in NM]

I think it totally depends on them. I was 24 and was not ready. I'm finally (mostly) ready for marriage after 15 years! It's been hard because of that. So it depends on your dd and her intended. I do wonder if their "waiting" as anything to do with the urgency to get married. I have known people who got married at 16, 18 and were just fine. It's so totally a case by case situation!

[snickelfritz]

I got married at 19 1/2 and we've meen married almost 16 years.

 

We even both finished college.:D

[abbeyej]

I graduated from college and got married at 20. Thirteen years so far. :) But I still jump when people talk about getting married at 22 or younger. Then I have to remind myself, lol.

[higginszoo]

We were 22, I had a bachelor's degree and he had his master's degree, which was a good way to start.

 

That being said, I have classmates who married at 16, and are still doing great 24 years later, despite hardships that start sounding like a soap opera. I think the key to their success is that his parents insisted that they go through extensive counseling that made sure that they were on the same page going in (my parents insisted on similar counseling, and I think that it helped us too, starting relatively young). In both cases, we were given lots of communication tools, that even if we didn't use all of them then, we were able to pull them out as needed.

[gardenmom5]

I was 18, almost 19. dh is older, was finished with school, and had dated alot. (he was actually seriously dating someone else when we met. we just really hit it off talking. and yes, we waited.). I had many people telling me I was making a mistake. Even my mother finally admited I really did know what I was doing. we're celebrating our 30th anniversary in a few months.

 

we have some friends who were very nervous about their then 20 yo daughter marrying. as a joke, they told the young man if he could get a permit for a particular river the dad runs, he could marry her. (permits are by random drawing ONLY. friend had put his name in every. single. year. for. 20. years. and NEVER drew a permit. he always had to go with another group.) the young man drew a permit on his very first try. he's since graduated from dental school and they are very happy, and have been married at least 11 years.

 

anyway - how well do they communicate? how well do values, etc. match? those are things that either are or aren't.

 

ETA:

. . . So, in making a mental tally of the couples I know - how old they were when they married, whether or not they are still married, when they divorced if they aren't together, etc., I'd have to say that I cannot see a correlation between age at the time of marriage and marital longevity. I'd say the bigger factor is maturity. I've met 50 years olds who aren't as mature as my 20 year old dd!

 

Faith

amen!

Edited December 5, 2011 by gardenmom5

[Crissy]

We were not young. I was 27 and my husband was 43.

My parents, however, were 17 and 19. They were married for 44 years, until death did they part.

 

I'm sure marriage IS hard at such a young age, but you know what? It can be equally hard at any age. There are no guarantees that waiting is going to result in Happily Ever After.

[Captivated]

My ds just married this summer at the age of 20 (almost 21). His beloved is 21. I got many comments but I just said, "We're happy and excited for them." and left it at that. I didn't leave it open to much comment.

[ashfern]

I was 20 when we got married. Next year is our 20th anniversary.

[TheApprentice]

I got married at 22 (dh 24) and we celebrated our 22nd anniversary a few months ago. From my perspective now, I would have waited. In hindsight, I would have liked more time on my own. I went from high school, to college, to married. I wouldn't have minded a few years to just be.

[MathGirl]

I was 19 and DH was 20 when we got married. We've been married for 11.5 years now and planning on being together forever! It has been difficult at times and I don't recommend it to everyone, but it's certainly possible to marry young and have a successful marriage.

(We waited also)

Edited December 5, 2011 by MathGirl

[Audrey]

IMO, that's too young. I have at least a couple of handfuls of friends and family who regret marrying so young. I can only count a couple who married young and are still married.

 

I think the "waiting for marriage" part is detrimental to many a young person's decision making processes. It is probably pushing them to marry faster than they know is practical and optimal. It's a fact of life that lust can rule your decisions even when you think you're smarter than that.

 

Bottom line: If it were my kid, and they asked what I thought, I'd be honest tell them it's a dumb idea to marry so young, that I think they should move in together and give the relationship a test drive, but that in the end, that is their decision to make. Then, I'd shut up and never mention it again. It's not my life to live.

[Shellydon]

I was three weeks from my 22nd birthday. We've been married 16 years. I think personality and appropriate expectations of marriage have more to do with how long a marriage lasts than age.

[The Girls' Mom]

I was 16 and my dh was 18 when we got married. We will be celebrating 20 years next year.

 

In today's world, I think 16 was a tad too young. But I do think that it is ok for 18+ to get married, if they have prayerfully considered it and it isn't rushed into. Most of the people I know (that are still married) got married in their late teens/early 20s.

[mommaduck]

My daughter and her Air Force BF want to get married. She will be 18 in 6 months. They talked about marrying 4 months after her 18th birthday. I'm getting unsolicited comments on how they don't know what they're doing; they'll be divorced in three months, etc. I'm not sure that waiting a specific amount of time will guarantee a marriage, either.

 

They're also 'waiting for marriage', if you know what I mean.

 

Curious if you & hubby or friends married young and successfully so.

 

I'd also like to know what to say to these naysayers.

DH and I dated from the time I was fifteen and he was eighteen. We got engaged when I was seventeen. We married when I was nineteen. We waited till we were married. We have been married for seventeen years.

[PeacefulChaos]

I was 18, DH was 21. We've been married 10 years and we're doing excellent. :) We will be married 50-100 more. :)

(We both 'waited' also.)

[jewellsmommy]

I was 17.5 and dh had just turned 23. My parent's had to consent. It was not a shot gun wedding or anything like that. Was I pregnant, is usually the first question I get upon disclosing my age :glare:. We got married that young because we were ready. I graduated high school a yr early and had scholarships lined up for college. We married in July. It will be 15 yrs next July. I was told that our marriage wouldn't last. We would grow apart. Yada, yada, yada.

 

Dh and I have gone through a lot of the biggies that end marriages. We went through a period of unemployment and then bankruptcy before getting back on our feet (at yr 3 of marriage). We went through infertility. We went through a very sick baby/toddler with multiple surgeries. And, now we are going through an addition to our family that has been very trying because of his psychological/emotional issues. But, we are solid.

 

None of this is meant to be disparaging of those whose marriages needed to end. I just wanted to say that it is very possible to have a young marriage that is every bit as strong and purposeful as older adults. It greatly depends on the individuals.

[TXMomof4]

I was two months past my 19th birthday. We were engaged a month after my highschool graduation, but waited a year to get married so he could graduate college and also to waylay the assumption that we were getting married because we "had" to.

 

We've been married 16 years now - it was hard at first, but well worth it to grow up together some.

[Mrs Mungo]

I was 21, he was 22. We've been married for 17 years.

[Stillwood]

If college is on the table, waiting until most or all of that is completed seems reasonably wise.

 

She thinks she'll finish college where they are stationed.

[BrandieRose]

I was engaged at 18 and married the month I turned 20. We'll be celebrating our 15th anniversary this June. : ) I think success in marriage has a lot more to do with maturity level than chronological age.

[Embassy]

I think it depends on the couple. Some may be ready and some may not. Biologically I believe the brain is not fully developed until the late 20s. A couple in the late 20s or older are more likely to make mature decisions and handle the complexities of a marriage. But there will be younger couples who do fine. I was a totally different person at age 18 than I was at age 28. I married later. The man I married in my late 20s wouldn't have been a good fit with me when I was 18. He is perfect for me now. I was a rather mature 18 year old as well. I lived in another country on my own when I was 20. Still I changed much in the course of 10 years. On a side note my brother married young and just went through a horrible divorce 5 years after he married.

[mom4him]

My daughter and her Air Force BF want to get married. She will be 18 in 6 months. They talked about marrying 4 months after her 18th birthday. I'm getting unsolicited comments on how they don't know what they're doing; they'll be divorced in three months, etc. I'm not sure that waiting a specific amount of time will guarantee a marriage, either.

 

They're also 'waiting for marriage', if you know what I mean.

 

Curious if you & hubby or friends married young and successfully so.

 

I'd also like to know what to say to these naysayers.

 

I turned 18 in Dec. graduated that next May and was married the week after I graduated. My dh and I will be married 45 yrs this coming May.

 

Ready for marriage? By, I sure wasn't. I was young, spoiled, baby of the family. I married a rancher/farmer. The week after we got married had to cook for a branding crew. Knew not a clue as to what, how, nothing! I was a mess. By the way it did turn out ok and all the guys raved about the meal.:lol: They really were being kind.

 

What I did have was a sense of commitment. I knew from other marriages that I had been around that marriage was not a pie in the sky. If you were going to make it you had to be willing go work through the difficult times instead of bailing. I quickly learned that love is not just a feeling but a decision.

 

There are a lot of people that marry and then divorce in months or a few years. Some have very good reasons as there is abuse but others simply have 'discovered' that they don't love each other any more.

 

What kind of foundation does your dd have? Does she know that marriage is work and hard work? Has she been exposed to couples that do work through the difficult times or has her main exposure been to couples that bail when times get a bit rough? These are the things that will really help or hinder her ability to be successful in marriage. The same goes for the young man.

 

Personally, I look back and I married for all the wrong reasons. Really, I was in love with love but like I said I did have a sense of commitment and so did my dh to the vows that we made thus to each other.

[Annie]

I was 22 and he was 23, not so young, but it was young for my little corner of the world. I had the naysayers even though we had been dating for five years, finished our undergrads, and had excellent post college employment. Some people just can't help themselves.

 

For what it's worth, I wish we had gotten married earlier. :)

[twoxcell]

I was 18 when I got married and we will have our 10th anniversary next June! I really don't think age has anything to do with it. Maturity and determination are much more important. I have a sister, 3 cousins, and 3 sister in laws who married young all but one are still married and beyond 10 years. The one that got divorced was very immature.

[tex-mex]

Left the nest at the age of 17 and never looked back.

 

I was engaged at 19 and married at 20. Been married for 25 years! ;)

[twoxcell]

What I did have was a sense of commitment. I knew from other marriages that I had been around that marriage was not a pie in the sky. If you were going to make it you had to be willing go work through the difficult times instead of bailing. I quickly learned that love is not just a feeling but a decision.

:iagree:

[FairyMom]

I was 21, dh was 22. We started dating when I was 18, and two months later he asked me to marry him. We waited to get married until after college graduation. We will be married for 19 years in January. :001_wub:

[LMD]

I was 18, DH was 20. We'll be celebrating 9 years in May. Still going strong.

 

It has not been easy, and yes there was a little 'playing house' aspect at times. But DH and I have both always been the commit and settle type - as teenagers we weren't looking for anything else. We did required pre-marital counselling with our Pastor, who we love, and that was really good. I grew up without positive role models in this regard (both parents married and split multiple times), so it has been a rather steep learning curve at times but totally worth it.