WWYD My Friendship at Risk

[RoughCollie]

The Rock:

 

My DD confides in me about many things. I want to keep it that way. The key word is confides. Some of these confidences are about other kids at school. DD has my promise that I will not break confidentiality unless someone is in danger, and only after she and I discuss it. The deal is that I will report the dangerous situation to the guidance counselor, who will handle it from there. The guidance counselor and I know each other pretty well, and she agrees with this approach.

 

Many of the teens around here have problems that we have not known existed, except in reading about them in the news. It wasn't until we moved here that DD met kids who take drugs, use alcohol, are promiscuous, cut themselves, shoplift, have criminal records they are proud of, etc.

 

DD is often shocked (not so much any more) by this, and we talk about it. I think that is good because it gives me the opportunity to give her advice about how to deal with it. She knows how to politely say no to party invitations without offending anyone unduly, that she must report cutting and suicide threats to the guidance counselor, that if someone she is with is shoplifting or talking about doing it, she must leave that person immediately and call me, and so forth.

 

The Hard Place:

 

A few months ago, DD confided that her friend X had a FB account, which her parents have forbidden her to have because they are afraid she will get kidnapped by a child molester. Whether the parents have a rational fear or not is beside the point.

 

X is a 17.5 year old senior, a leader in a major school organization, and makes top grades. She doesn't engage in the usual litany of sex, drugs, alcohol, shoplifting, etc. She is one of DD's very best friends.

 

She is what people around here call "A Good Girl". That is the highest compliment a teenage girl can receive from an adult, and they make a big deal about it by telling every other adult around that This is a Good Girl!

 

The Considerations:

 

1. When I found out about the FB account, I checked it and it was public. DD told X to set it to private, and X did.

 

2. The FB account is in X's first and middle names.

 

3. There is nothing on the FB account that would cause anyone any alarm. I check it regularly through DD's account.

 

4. X's parents are Very Authoritarian. She will get in big, big trouble if they find out about this. Not physical. More like being grounded for a year from her computer.

 

5. DD and I agree that X is not in danger.

 

6. X wants to tell her parents, and is thinking about letting the chips fall where they may. I advised her to do so.

 

My Problem:

 

1. X's parents are friends of mine. They would expect me to tell them anything I found out about X that they don't know.

 

I have never even given a shadow of an indication that I would do that, unless X was in Danger from my point of view.

 

2. When X tells her parents about her FB account, the mother will immediately ask me or DD if DD knew about it. This will require a yes or no response. I will say yes (or DD will).

 

3. The next question will be whether I knew about it. I will say yes. And more doo-doo will hit the fan. This could end the friendship between the parents and I, even if I explain my position as outlined above.

 

These parents have opinions that are set in stone -- no evidence that contradicts their opinions changes their minds. I know they will expect me to tell them every little thing I know about their DD, even if I have never given a hint that I would do this. There is no tacit agreement between us as far as I am concerned.

 

4. I am certain that the parents think FB is Dangerous, no matter what. I've already discussed how DD has a FB account, that it is set to private, that I access it all the time to make sure everything is okay and that DD personally knows all of her friends and that no one is posting anything (pictures or comments) that are objectionable on her account.

 

I have also discussed what a parent can do to stop it if anything objectionable does occur - every option from blocking someone to contacting the police. Nothing I have said has had the slightest impact on their opinion about FB.

 

5. This is not about whether this friendship is important to me. In fact, I am neutral about that. It is about my integrity.

 

What would you do in this situation, if anything? My options seem to be to betray DD's confidence or to betray my friend, or to do nothing and deal with it when X tells her parents.

 

Thanks,

RC

Edited October 19, 2011 by RoughCollie

[Impish]

I'd put your relationship with your dd ahead of all other issues.

 

X is breaking a family rule, yes, but she's not in danger, or behaving in such a way that I would consider 'risky'.

 

Lets face it...the parents are going to be angry w/you regardless. You didn't race to the phone to rat their dd out the nanosecond that you discovered she had FB. I get the impression that anything less than that would be unacceptable.

 

If this was an underage kid, or was posting risky things, that would be different. But she's 17.5, almost an adult. And she seems to be mature, responsible, and on a good path.

 

I'd stick w/where you're at.

[love2read]

I would make it simple by asking your daughter to tell X that you saw her page while she had her facebook opened, which I believe would not be a lie. Her friend should delete her facebook page and eliminate the blow-up that's going to occur eventually. It sounds like the girl is bright and cautious. Your dd could tell her that she's concerned about how you can deal with the info. fairly and without losing her parent's friendship. She'll be 18 and presumably in college soon and will be able to establish more rights. We're very protective with our children and they don't have facebook until college because we want to avoid the nonsense.

[IsabelC]

That sounds like a tough decision.

 

For me, though, if it came down to deciding between keeping a promise to my child or living up to an expectation held by a friend (which expectation I had done nothing to encourage), my child would win hands down.

 

I think your principle - telling if the young person may be in danger - is a good one, and I don't think your friend has any right to rely on you to inform her of every single thing he daughter does that she would not approve of.

Edited October 19, 2011 by Hotdrink

[Starr]

I would tell the child to take the account down.

[mamakimberly]

I don't consider FB worthy of telling another parent.

 

Kid having unprotected sex with multiple guys every day... um, yeah, tell the parents.

 

FB? No.

 

You don't want to lose your daughter's trust over this...

[NanceXToo]

Your job is to maintain a trusting relationship with your daughter and keep her AND other kids safe to the best of your ability (i.e. having to report danger to other children, etc).

 

Your job is not to play nanny for someone else's nearly adult child by "reporting" to her parents every little non-illegal and non-dangerous things she does that they might not approve of.

 

If they expect that of you, they have unrealistic expectations. If they don't like it, too bad.

 

:)

[RoughCollie]

I would make it simple by asking your daughter to tell X that you saw her page while she had her facebook opened, which I believe would not be a lie. Her friend should delete her facebook page and eliminate the blow-up that's going to occur eventually. It sounds like the girl is bright and cautious. Your dd could tell her that she's concerned about how you can deal with the info. fairly and without losing her parent's friendship. She'll be 18 and presumably in college soon and will be able to establish more rights. We're very protective with our children and they don't have facebook until college because we want to avoid the nonsense.

 

X (DD's friend) knows that I know about her FB page. She set it to private. She knows I monitor it. She won't delete it. She feels guilty about deceiving her parents, and is dithering over when to tell them about it. She knows her parents will flip out. She knows her parents will immediately ask either DD or me if we knew about it because of the close friendship between DD and X. Of course, it is a no-brainer that DD knows about it.

 

I actually can't figure X's parents out. Of course I would tell them about dangerous situations. The two times I have, I've been fobbed off.

 

#1 was when DD was worried because X was very depressed. DD asked me to tell X's mother about it. X's mother said they knew about it and it was no big deal because the depression had passed. I said that DD was sure X was still depressed, and that was it - discussion ended by the mom.

 

#2 was when X's boyfriend posted on his FB about his 7th speeding ticket (traveling 100 mph in a 55 mph zone) and about his drag racing adventures on public streets. DD was really worried about X's safety when she was in the car with her boyfriend, and she asked me to tell X's mom about it.

 

Response: Oh, we know about that, and X's boyfriend drives safely when she is in the car with him.

Edited October 19, 2011 by RoughCollie

[kiana]

I don't consider FB worthy of telling another parent.

 

Kid having unprotected sex with multiple guys every day... um, yeah, tell the parents.

 

FB? No.

 

You don't want to lose your daughter's trust over this...

 

:iagree:

[IsabelC]

It sounds like the blow up is inevitable.

 

Sorry you have to make this choice, but I would still say you're absolutely doing the right thing. When the parents confront you, you can explain your stance; tell them that you tried to convince their daughter to ditch FB, but that you were also bound to honor your agreement with your daughter to maintain confidentiality. There's a chance that the parents will feel you betrayed them and jeopardized the friendship, but the bottom line is it's their job to enforce their family rules, and you are not some kind of secret police, obliged to report in on what their child is up to (always excepting serious and/or illegal activities).

[I talk to the trees]

First, let me say that I am NO FAN of Facebook. I think it's an evil entity (but not for the reasons your friends do. Facebook falls under the same category as Walmart for me.) That said...

 

I'd keep my word to my child. As long as you are keeping an eye on the FB account, and this girl isn't doing anything illegal or potentially dangerous to herself or others, there's no reason to tell the parents. Continue to encourage the young woman to inform her parents. If they question why you didn't come to them the instant you found out, tell them (honestly) that their daughter is nearly an adult, and you wanted her to take responsibility for telling them herself (as an adult should do,) rather than tattling on her, and breaking a promise to your own daughter.

[ByGrace3]

I'd put your relationship with your dd ahead of all other issues.

 

X is breaking a family rule, yes, but she's not in danger, or behaving in such a way that I would consider 'risky'.

 

Lets face it...the parents are going to be angry w/you regardless. You didn't race to the phone to rat their dd out the nanosecond that you discovered she had FB. I get the impression that anything less than that would be unacceptable.

 

If this was an underage kid, or was posting risky things, that would be different. But she's 17.5, almost an adult. And she seems to be mature, responsible, and on a good path.

 

I'd stick w/where you're at.

 

:iagree: If she really is "keeping it clean" I wouldn't say anything. I was unclear on one thing, was your dd wanting to tell X's parents? If that is the case, what about giving X an opportunity to delete the page on her own knowing that if she doesn't, her parents will be told.

I agree that confidence to you dd is first and foremost in a situation that has no danger for someone else. The relationship you have w/ your dd is not easy to establish and a break of trust for something "not worth it" may never be repaired. Any good friend would understand that . . .

[Old Dominion Heather]

I think you have to keep your promise to your daughter. The friend's age is pertinent here. If she were 11, you should tell the parents. She will be an adult in six months.

 

If the parents ask you whether you knew, you should say "Yes, and I encouraged you daughter to tell you."

 

End of story.

[Kim in Appalachia]

That is more important.

 

The girl is not in physical danger. She is almost an adult and you have no obligation to report the details of her life to her parents.

 

Let the chips fall where they may.

[RoughCollie]

I was unclear on one thing, was your dd wanting to tell X's parents?

 

Absolutely not. DD knows full well how severe the ramifications will be when X tells her parents and she does not want me to be the one to tell them.

[ByGrace3]

Absolutely not. DD knows full well how severe the ramifications will be when X tells her parents and she does not want me to be the one to tell them.

 

In that case, I would encourage the girl to be honest with her parents (if you have that kind of relationship with her) and leave it alone.

 

ETA: Just read the part I misunderstood. X wants to tell her parents and you have already talked to her. (sorry!) Well, then I would encourage her to that end, but then leave it alone...

Edited October 19, 2011 by ByGrace3

[elegantlion]

Absolutely not. DD knows full well how severe the ramifications will be when X tells her parents and she does not want me to be the one to tell them.

 

This is tough, when X tell her parents I would not lie about your involvement if asked. You don't have to share that you monitor her page, but yes you were aware of it, is as far as I would go.

[Denisemomof4]

X (DD's friend) knows that I know about her FB page. She set it to private. She knows I monitor it. She won't delete it. She feels guilty about deceiving her parents, and is dithering over when to tell them about it. She knows her parents will flip out. She knows her parents will immediately ask either DD or me if we knew about it because of the close friendship between DD and X. Of course, it is a no-brainer that DD knows about it.

 

I actually can't figure X's parents out. Of course I would tell them about dangerous situations. The two times I have, I've been fobbed off.

 

#1 was when DD was worried because X was very depressed. DD asked me to tell X's mother about it. X's mother said they knew about it and it was no big deal because the depression had passed. I said that DD was sure X was still depressed, and that was it - discussion ended by the mom.

 

#2 was when X's boyfriend posted on his FB about his 7th speeding ticket (traveling 100 mph in a 55 mph zone) and about his drag racing adventures on public streets. DD was really worried about X's safety when she was in the car with her boyfriend, and she asked me to tell X's mom about it.

 

Response: Oh, we know about that, and X's boyfriend drives safely when she is in the car with him.

 

If these were the responses I got the two times I turned to the parents to discuss my concern about the dd, I wouldn't jump at the opportunity to do it again.

 

I think it's SO unfair for the parents to find out about FB and then immediately turn to your dd or you. It's kind of passing the blame, don't you think?

 

I would do nothing. The girl seems like a good kid, level headed, responsible, almost an ADULT. If the parents had enough bad character to lash out at you over this, they will likely find multiple reasons to.

 

Protect the relationship with your dd, and if the parents do find out about FB and turn to you or your dd, shame on them.

[Danestress]

Honestly, I think your only interactions with this girl over this issue should have been, "I am so sorry I know you have this account. I'd rather not know, but I do. You have to delete this account or have me tell your parents. I'm sorry. I don't think a FB account is a big deal, but I do think that parents expect to be supported in whatever rules they are making, whether others agree with them or not. You will expect the same when you are a parent. Parents don't have to be perfect to be the parents."

 

I think it's wrong for this girl to allow you to be in a position like this, and I think she's being selfish if she doesn't delete the account and start over again with one that you DON"T know about because your daughter figures out that she doesn't have to tell you ever little thing.

[Denisemomof4]

It sounds like the blow up is inevitable.

 

Sorry you have to make this choice, but I would still say you're absolutely doing the right thing. When the parents confront you, you can explain your stance; tell them that you tried to convince their daughter to ditch FB, but that you were also bound to honor your agreement with your daughter to maintain confidentiality. There's a chance that the parents will feel you betrayed them and jeopardized the friendship, but the bottom line is it's their job to enforce their family rules, and you are not some kind of secret police, obliged to report in on what their child is up to (always excepting serious and/or illegal activities).

 

I would not do what I highlighted in red above, because this will only make the parents more angry at the girl.

 

The blue highlighted above is important. Why would they pass THEIR responsibility onto you?

 

 

 

You were a good friend when you went to them about the bout of depression and the drag racing. They blew you off. I wouldn't find them someone easy to talk to again.

[RoughCollie]

In that case, I would encourage the girl to be honest with her parents (if you have that kind of relationship with her) and leave it alone.

 

I have told X that she should tell her parents. But if I were a teenage girl in X's position, I would not because of the ramifications. OTOH, if I were in X's position, I might be too afraid to open a FB account.

 

These parents read X's emails and check her computer history every day. If they don't like the content of emails sent to X by her friends, they ground X from the computer.

 

What is this objectionable content? According to X, it is when her friends gripe about their parents. X's friends are all Good Girls.

 

Yet they let X use Skype to talk to her friends, in the privacy of her bedroom, with no monitoring at all.

 

They can get on FB and find X easily. I did. But they don't.

 

They let X and her boyfriend spend hours in their basement family room with no one going down their to check on them until 1 AM, when it was time for him to leave. According to DD and X, no hanky panky went on. Maybe it did, maybe it didn't.

 

I don't understand how they can have such high monitoring in some areas, but not in others. Maybe they trust their DD about FB because it is very clear what the consequences of disobedience will be.

[Chris in VA]

Maybe you could put the shoe on the other foot--How would you like parents to handle information about your dd that goes against your rules but doesn't involve safety?

 

The thing that sticks out for me in your post (or, one thing, to be more precise) is that you moniter X's account. I'd stop doing that. I'd consider you over-involved if I were her parent.

 

I have some experience with this--and I felt undermined by the parents who did this to me and my son.

[Haiku]

I would stop making your dd's friend's problem your own. If her FB page is private but you are monitoring it, that means you must be friends with her. Stop being friends with her. She's a 17 year old senior, not a child. She doesn't need you monitoring her FB page. She's breaking her parents' rules in about the most innocuous way possible. She's not in danger. It's really none of your business. If/when her parents find out about it, I'd stay out of that, too. I wouldn't even comment on it, and I'd just remind your friend that her dd breaking household rules doesn't involve you in any way ... unless you choose to involve yourself, which you have. I'd un-involve myself very quickly and not worry about it anymore.

 

Tara

[Cera]

I would stay out of it. It sounds like the parents aren't the most rational and there really isn't a way to resolve your dilemma without repercussions somewhere.

 

If X decides to tell her parents about the account before she turns 18 then you can answer truthfully when they ask if you knew and let the chips fall where they may. It sounds like the friendship with X's parents isn't vitally important to you so you may have to sacrifice it to maintain the relationship with her daughter and her friends (which I believe is much more important).

[J-rap]

The friend's age is pertinent here. If she were 11, you should tell the parents. She will be an adult in six months.

 

If the parents ask you whether you knew, you should say "Yes, and I encouraged you daughter to tell you."

 

End of story.

 

Also, the fact that the friend doesn't appear to be doing anything risky or harmful to herself.

 

I would even take it one step further, and say that it sounds like the friend could use another adult in her life (you?) besides her parents, one who is a little more balanced/wise... Someone who can gently guide her to make the right decision, instead of blowing up at her for a wrong one.

[caedmyn]

If she does tell her parents and they ask you why you knew & didn't tell them, I think I'd go along with the PP who suggested saying, "I encouraged her to tell you" and leave it at that. And/or I'd be inclined to say, "I told about a couple of things I consider far more serious/dangerous than a FB page and you acted like you weren't interested in hearing about them."

 

Kind of sounds like the parents are interested in controlling her, but in denial that anything really wrong or serious could go on in X's life. I know some people like that.

[jplain]

If/when confronted by the girl's parents, I would let them know that while I would feel obligated to inform them if she was doing something inherently dangerous, I do not feel obligated to get involved in infractions of family rules. If the other parent insists that FB is dangerous, I'd respond, "Well, my child has a FB account, with my approval, so we'll have to agree to disagree on that point." Then pass the bean dip.

 

If the parent is willing to drop it, fine. If not, the friendship may end and/or be strained, but sometimes that's how it goes. Not every friendship lasts forever.

 

However, I also agree with others that you should stop monitoring the friend's FB page. Either FB is safe or it isn't.

If it is safe, meaning you aren't obligated to report it to her parents, then you shouldn't monitor the page.

[Quad Shot Academy]

 

#1 was when DD was worried because X was very depressed. DD asked me to tell X's mother about it. X's mother said they knew about it and it was no big deal because the depression had passed. I said that DD was sure X was still depressed, and that was it - discussion ended by the mom.

 

#2 was when X's boyfriend posted on his FB about his 7th speeding ticket (traveling 100 mph in a 55 mph zone) and about his drag racing adventures on public streets. DD was really worried about X's safety when she was in the car with her boyfriend, and she asked me to tell X's mom about it.

 

Response: Oh, we know about that, and X's boyfriend drives safely when she is in the car with him.

 

If asked, I would say, "Yeah, I knew, but I didn't think it would be a big deal since you let X drive with her bf and be unattended in the basement with him. Seems a lot more dangerous than FB!" Then pass the bean dip and stay out of it.

[SKL]

X is almost an adult and if this is the only thing she's done without her parents' blessing, she's amazing.

 

I would not "tell" X what to do one way or the other. I would tell her that you will not lie to X's parents. I would not take the initiative to talk to the parents about this, but I'd be honest if asked about it.

 

I'd be prepared with a brief statement of my philosophy, such as, "I do not consider it ethical to intervene between a child and her parents except on matters of apparent danger." I wouldn't take the defensive. In fact, if you can swing it, act like "doesn't everyone believe that?" - because it's not an uncommon belief.

 

The parents may be miffed, but the fact is that you didn't "do" or "cause" any of this. Just the fact that you happen to know it does not mean you need to meddle with the parent-child relationship. Having a bunch of grown-up tattletales around town won't help the core relationship in any case.

 

Another person seemed to suggest that you guilt X into closing her page so that your friendship with her parents doesn't get hurt. My opinion is that X is not responsible for protecting your friendships. It is more important that she protect her relationship with her parents, and that means figuring out how to be honest with them and still have a healthy relationship (if possible). Could that mean closing the page? Maybe. But that is not for you to decide, in my opinion.

 

Good luck!

[catz]

I don't consider FB worthy of telling another parent.

 

Kid having unprotected sex with multiple guys every day... um, yeah, tell the parents.

 

FB? No.

 

You don't want to lose your daughter's trust over this...

 

:iagree: This is a 17 year old. In less than a years time she will be legally an adult. A FB account that she has private settings on does not seem like something to report. This does not seem like risky behavior to me. I think the bigger problem here has to do with the relationship and communication between her parents and her. That is something you really can't touch as an outsider.

[RoughCollie]

Maybe you could put the shoe on the other foot--How would you like parents to handle information about your dd that goes against your rules but doesn't involve safety?

 

I don't know. The only interaction I've had with other parents is when they try to talk me into relaxing my rules for the benefit of their child, and to the detriment of mine.

 

For example, I would not let DD go to the military ball because, well known in advance to her and to her boyfriend at the time, if she did not catch up on her schoolwork beforehand, she would not be allowed to go. She waited until the last minute and didn't have time to do all the work.

 

None of this would have come about if she had not been rebelling against being in cyber-school part of the day because of her health. She had severe anemia and could only go to school in the morning because she needed a long nap in midday to replenish her energy.

 

The boy was depressed about this. His mother tried to talk me into changing my mind, stating that the boy's mental health was at serious risk because of me. I said the boy could ask another girl or go by himself, but DD was not going no matter what.

 

I can't think of a non-safety rule that I would need to rely on another adult to enforce or to tell me about when it is broken. DD's rules for herself are very strict. 3/4 of her rules are those she has made for herself. She announces them to me, and I agree with them.

 

My problems with DD are those that occur inside my house, and I am well aware of them. Her room is very messy. She complains about not having enough internet time and wants more products than I am willing to buy. She has to be reminded to do chores, and tries to get out of doing them. She sometimes procrastinates about doing her schoolwork. She leaves a mess in the kitchen.

 

In the grand scheme of things, I am very fortunate to have a DD like her. I try to keep things in perspective -- it is not the end of the world if DD has a messy room. I make her clean it up, but at the same time, I realize there are much more serious problems a child could have. I hope DD continues on the path she is on.

 

The thing that sticks out for me in your post (or, one thing, to be more precise) is that you moniter X's account. I'd stop doing that. I'd consider you over-involved if I were her parent.

 

I sure don't want X's parents to feel undermined, or to undermine them. The reason I look at her FB account is to make sure that nothing dangerous is happening. I would feel Really Guilty about it if I knew she had a FB and something bad happened b/c of that.

 

Her parents are worried about her being kidnapped or molested by a stranger she meets on FB. I don't see that happening -- the chances are very tiny -- but if it were possible, I figure I could stop it.

 

I have some experience with this--and I felt undermined by the parents who did this to me and my son.

 

I am interested to hear your comments on this.

[RoughCollie]

I would stop making your dd's friend's problem your own. If her FB page is private but you are monitoring it, that means you must be friends with her.

 

No, I am not friends with her. DD is, and I can see X's FB account through DD's account.

 

***

So, does anyone think I should continue to monitor X's FB page just in case something bad happens? I don't want to do that. It is boring. I'm just trying to cover all the bases.

 

X is not going to close her account. I suggested that. If she did it, and opened another one, DD would know since the girls are close friends. I do not want to encourage DD not to tell me things or to hide things from me.

 

I am not going to tell the parents.

 

I have had two long talks with X's parents about FB. One was over a year before X had an account, when they were shocked that I allowed DD to have one. The other was a month ago. Their stance has not changed, so I don't think that if X closes her account and then asks her parents for permission, it will change anything.

Edited October 19, 2011 by RoughCollie

[SKL]

I agree with those who say that you shouldn't monitor X's facebook page. That really is intruding into the parents' domain. Whatever you do, don't say "I monitor X's account and she's doing nothing risky." Yikes.

[OLG]

OP, do you think 'X' is in need of establishing some independence from her parents and this is why she feels the need to inform them of the FB page? Not expressing this clearly, but at this age, kids want to start breaking away from parental controls and demonstrating that they are unique and competent people (sometimes, we know) and perhaps 'X' is feeling confident enough to strike out? OR, given the comments about depression, maybe she is really asking for attention from her parents and this FB issue will deliver that? Tricky. I guess I see this as really about some cry from 'X' more than the FB page. YOU have done everything right, in my book! What does your dd think?

[DianeW88]

I would stop making your dd's friend's problem your own. If her FB page is private but you are monitoring it, that means you must be friends with her. Stop being friends with her. She's a 17 year old senior, not a child. She doesn't need you monitoring her FB page. She's breaking her parents' rules in about the most innocuous way possible. She's not in danger. It's really none of your business. If/when her parents find out about it, I'd stay out of that, too. I wouldn't even comment on it, and I'd just remind your friend that her dd breaking household rules doesn't involve you in any way ... unless you choose to involve yourself, which you have. I'd un-involve myself very quickly and not worry about it anymore.

 

Tara

 

:iagree:This is a FB page. Why on earth would they get so bent out of shape about that? Not to mention, she's almost 18. Which means she can legally have one whether her parents like it or not. What is this girl going to be doing after she graduates? Is she attending college somewhere? Because then her parents can rant and rave and throw fits all they want about what she's doing and she can just smile and keep on doing it. They might as well get used to it now. Especially if it's something as innocuous as FB.

[SailorMom]

She's almost 18, and a good kid - leave it be.

[elise1mds]

:iagree: This is a 17 year old. In less than a years time she will be legally an adult. A FB account that she has private settings on does not seem like something to report. This does not seem like risky behavior to me. I think the bigger problem here has to do with the relationship and communication between her parents and her. That is something you really can't touch as an outsider.

 

Agreed. I would have an honest conversation with X telling her exactly what you will be saying to her parents when (not if, obviously) they call and confront you over the issue. It sounds to me like you're the "other mother" for X. Those 'other mother' friendships are crucial during the turbulent teenage years, but at the same time X should not be depending on you to keep her secrets if her parents (who are still her legal guardians) ask... even if the secrets are, IMHO, harmless. I would include DD in the conversation and let them know the position you are in; they are old enough and seem mature enough to handle it.

 

As for the parents, there's no telling what they may or may not do. The list runs from doing nothing to attempting to sever all contact with you and your daughter. I've seen both extremes. Best of luck.

[Cheryl in NM]

Gently said and meant in the nicest manner possible:

 

You say this is about integrity and yet you have kept this information from X's parents to "protect" X. Of course it's going to blow up the relationship! What if someone treated you that way? You don't agree with their parenting so you don't tell them when their child breaks their rules. It's pretty insulting.

 

That said, of course they are being stringent, but they are her parents and it sounds like they aren't abusive so you have no business being in the middle of it. You've effective helped X deceive her parents and told her that it's okay because you/she don't agree with their rules.

 

 

Also, look at the example you are setting for your DD. You only have to follow rules you agree with and you can help people break rules that you don't agree with. At some point the parent in the relationship has to trump the "friend".

[Sue G in PA]

Honestly, just b/c X is your daughters friend and you both happen to know about said FB page doesn't mean you must get involved. 2. If it all happens to come out that you/dd knew about fb page and parents get angry, this might open up a very healthy conversation about the parenting style of said parents. (ex/ do you realize that your authoritative parenting style and sheltering of your dd might lead to the exact rebellious behavior that you are trying to prevent?). We know parents like this and their "good" kids are often "forced" to rebel. Example: mother DEMANDS all As (100%) on tests/quizzes, etc. on all homeschool work. Children are bright, but they are human. They are so fearful of getting anything less than 100% that they will often resort to cheating in order to avoid the SIGNIFICANT (unrealistic) consequences that come when they are anything less than perfect. Breaks my heart. Anyway, my 2 cents on this dreary Wednesday morning sin coffee. :D

[Caitilin]

IMO, X's parents are a) completely over the top and b) control freaks and c) have no common sense. I would not tell them anything about the FB account, or anything else. Nothing about this scenario makes any sense. (I don't mean I doubt your account, just that the behavior the parents are exhibiting is insane.:glare:) I would not coninue in the "friendship" you have with the parents; I would encourage X to let the chips fall. This is a magnificently weird story.

[TravelingChris]

I wouldn;t say anything about it. I don't tell parents about things I overhear or my kids told me unless it involves safety or illegal behavior. So, when I knew that kids were watching tv shows on the computer or at someone else's house and the parents thought that their home was totally free of tv, no I didn't tell. For all I knew, the parents had a story for others about being tv free but really did have one- who knows. All I knew was the kids were familiar with tv plots and characters in great detail.

 

Same thing happened when my dd told me that another girl said that the main reason she wanted to go to X university was because she saw people smoking pot. She didn't admit to smoking it. SHe didn't get into the college, either. What was I going to say- your daughter thinks she wants to smoke pot? She was 18 or almost 18 and going away to college. For all I knew, my dd somehow got something wrong or it was said in a joking way.

 

No, I wouldn't tell the parents especially since this is not a safety or legal issue and when you did bring up safety issues before, they pooh-poohed you. These parents priorities seem skewed and they are lucky that, as far as you know, the only rebelling she has done is this facebook page. I can't understand the blindness of the parents to the unmonitored long periods of time in the basement of the girl and her boyfriend. I just hope that they are using protection.

[veggiegal]

I agree with those that have said your relationship with DD trumps all. Do not betray her confidence. I agree with your principle that you should only do so if her friend is in real danger.

 

While I understand your desire to monitor X's FB page, I think you ought to take a step back. It sounds like your DD will let you know if anything odd comes up on X's facebook page, so I do not see the need for you to monitor it directly.

 

I also would not encourage X to tell her parents about her FB page--at least, not until she's in her mid-30s, well-established on her own, has sorted out what kind of relationship she's going to have with her parents as an adult (cuz the uber-authoritarian thing, ummmm....probably won't continue to fly :tongue_smilie:), and they can all have a laugh about it. I say this as someone who grew up with a very controlling mother. I worry that if X tells her parents it will cut X off from friendships and 'outside balance' it sounds like she would benefit from as she navigates becoming an adult. I also believe from my own experience that allowing kids to 'stretch their wings' into the grown up world like this while still under parental guidance is preferable to the way I grew up: I had very little experience making decisions for myself due to my parents over-controlling / over-protective nature. When I moved away for university as a young adult who was now somehow magically supposedly able to make good decisions for myself...doesn't that ability just "appear" on one's 18th birthday? :tongue_smilie:Oy. Let's just say my early 20s were a lot rougher than those of my friends who were allowed to 'make some mistakes' in their teen years.

[Guest IdahoMtnMom]

I would keep your daughters confidence. Period. X is almost 18, not in danger, and so on...

[Delighted3]

I think you have to keep your promise to your daughter. The friend's age is pertinent here. If she were 11, you should tell the parents. She will be an adult in six months.

 

If the parents ask you whether you knew, you should say "Yes, and I encouraged you daughter to tell you."

 

End of story.

 

I think this is a great response.

Joy

[katilac]

It's a bit of a mess, because you've been talking to her about it and monitoring her page. That makes it much harder to say you didn't think it was any of your business, because clearly you did take an active concern. It's not your job to police a near-adult, but the history here is likely to make it harder to convince her parents of that.

 

Ideally, you would not have monitored the account or discussed it with her at all (the other girl, not your dd), but that ship has sailed. Now, I would quit monitoring and tell her that it's not appropriate to discuss it with her, as you are friends with her parents. I would simply tell her that this is something she needs to figure out on her own.

 

If the parents then ask you or your dd if you knew or when, I'd say the same thing. "This is between you and your dd. We are not comfortable getting in the middle."

[sassenach]

If your concern is integrity, then don't say anything. The only person you gave your word to was dd.

[caedmyn]

While I understand your desire to monitor X's FB page, I think you ought to take a step back. It sounds like your DD will let you know if anything odd comes up on X's facebook page, so I do not see the need for you to monitor it directly.

 

 

:iagree:

[twoforjoy]

IMO, X's parents are a) completely over the top and b) control freaks and c) have no common sense. I would not tell them anything about the FB account, or anything else. Nothing about this scenario makes any sense. (I don't mean I doubt your account, just that the behavior the parents are exhibiting is insane.:glare:) I would not coninue in the "friendship" you have with the parents; I would encourage X to let the chips fall. This is a magnificently weird story.

 

:iagree:

 

X and you are both worried about the way her parents will react to the news that she has a legal, appropriate FB page? There are bigger problems here than this girl having the FB page, if that's the case. If her parents are basically waving off her depression and not caring if she drives around with a guy with a documented history of dangerous, irresponsible driving, but forbid her from having an FB page because they think a child molester is going to kidnap her and will freak out if they find out she has one, there are some very, very serious issues at work in this family that need to be addressed. I wouldn't want to be in the middle of it. It's nuts.

 

I wouldn't worry about my friendship with these people: I do not need that kind of crazy drama in my life. I can go to FB for that. :tongue_smilie: I'd focus on being there for X, who sounds like she needs some reasonable, caring, and down-to-earth adults in her life.

[RoughCollie]

X is almost an adult and if this is the only thing she's done without her parents' blessing, she's amazing.

 

She and her 21 year old sister are wonderful people. Their parents are very strict. This is the first rebellious act I have witnessed in two years.

 

Our two families operate under the same rules, except for FB. The difference lies in how severe the consequences of rule-breaking are.

 

My DD is allowed to have a FB account because I think it is unrealistic to expect MY teenagers not to have one, with or without my permission. I look at her account frequently because it is my duty to protect her. I check her settings to make sure they are at the highest security level.

 

To my surprise, her brothers have become very protective of DD since she started high school. They are friends with her on FB, and they check her friends list to be sure only people who are respectable are there. DD doesn't have a problem with it.

 

X has no older brothers to watch out for her. She has a father who is actively involved in every aspect of her life, which my DD does not. I understand why her parents are protective of her. I am very protective of my DD, too, and DH relies on me to handle every issue that comes up.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: Monitoring her account, and feeling it's keeping her safe is concerning. You could easily miss private messages for meetings, parties etc, and her parents might hold you accountable.

 

It's a bit of a mess, because you've been talking to her about it and monitoring her page. That makes it much harder to say you didn't think it was any of your business, because clearly you did take an active concern. It's not your job to police a near-adult, but the history here is likely to make it harder to convince her parents of that.

 

Ideally, you would not have monitored the account or discussed it with her at all (the other girl, not your dd), but that ship has sailed. Now, I would quit monitoring and tell her that it's not appropriate to discuss it with her, as you are friends with her parents. I would simply tell her that this is something she needs to figure out on her own.

 

If the parents then ask you or your dd if you knew or when, I'd say the same thing. "This is between you and your dd. We are not comfortable getting in the middle."