Garga Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) Here's the scoop: A close friend of mine is turning 40. (We'll call her X). X is very social and asked her husband to throw her a surprise (sort of!) 40th birthday party for her. He is happy to do so. No problems there. X is such a social butterfly, she throws a couple of BIG parties each year in the summer. The parties are outside, everyone's kids are there, they have water games, pinatas, food--the works. She likes to invite lots of people with small kids so that these families can get to know each other. She LOVES to find people who have things in common and help them form friendships with each other, then let them go. She has said, "I can't be friends with everyone, but I can help others connect with each other." BUT The birthday party is in November, so it can't be outside. There is limited space. Her dh decided to invite only adults and only people who are especially close to X. (Family and friends that she considers in her inner circle.) So, even though she is friendly with a lot of people and throws the big party, everyone at the party isn't her "closest" friends. PROBLEM: Another friend (we'll call her Z), who is a very close friend of X and definitely invited to the party, wanted to treat X to a special gift. So, she emailed A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE who were NOT invited to the party asking them if they all wanted to contribute to buy a special gift for X. Z said in the email, "I'm kind of going out on a limb, not knowing who he is planning to invite, but am going to make an assumption that each of you will be." She went out on the limb, told them all about the party, said that she assumed they'll be invited.....But some of them won't be. So, now X's dh called me for advice and asked me what should he do? 1. Invite everyone that Z spilled the beans to. There is juuuuust enough time to buy invitations and get them in the mail before anyone on the email list realizes they weren't initially invited. Squeeze them into the house somehow. This way there are no hurt feelings. 2. Do NOT invite everyone on the email list. Let the chips lay where they fall. People will understand that Z spoke out of turn. DH should not be obligated to invite another group of people that he didn't plan for. Numbers: 54 people were initially invited. 12 are NOT expected to come (family who never come to parties, but need to be invited.) That leaves about 42 people X's dh is planning on seeing at the party. The email would result in about 10 unexpected people being invited. House size: I dunno. Just a normal middle-class house. Not too big. What should he do? Invite the extra 10? Leave everything alone and pretend he never knew about the rouge email? Edited September 29, 2011 by Garga_ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sun Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 I know several people who tend to throw big "open houses" for birthdays or holidays. This allows them to have a large guest list, but the house isn't overwhelmed because the open house is schedule over an entire afternoon. Would something like that be a possibility? Even if it's not, I'm afraid I'd have to invite the extra people. It would be unfortunate because it makes everything more difficult, but it's not their fault that they were informed of the party! I think it would hurt to not be invited after being told about the party of a friend to whom I felt close enough to contribute for a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Invite them. People might say they understand. They may even understand. It will still sting. 10 more people, added to 42, isn't what will throw the party into the oversized category. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 I would invite the other people. If they are used to be invited to the parties, they might feel offended by not being invited here, now that they know about it. It sounds like X is a wonderful person and I wouldn't want any faux pas to tarnish her reputation, that would by my thinking anyway. No matter who planned it, the negative feeling would fall back upon her. I might ask Z to chip in some costs, if I knew her well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 He should stick to his guest list. I've gotten emails from mutual friends assuming I was going to someone's birthday party... We're not close, I wasn't invited, nor was I shocked or upset not to be. I realize it can be embarrassing to feel as though you're sending the "you're not special enough to make the cut" message, but I think most people understand that, with limited space, the family and oldest, dearest friends are going to be the limit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Invite the 10. They may not be able to come anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Ugh! I feel badly for your friend's DH, but inviting the extra guests would be the best thing, IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Invite. 40 or 50 makes no big difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Natalieclare Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 My husband did th exact same thing for me! Except it truly was a surprise. I am very similar to your friend, with big, wide open arms and a heart large enough for everyone. My husband is more....reserved. He invited my closest friends. Or what he considered my closest friends. I was kinda horrified at some of the people he left out. So, with that in mind, I advise the dh to just go anead and invite the extra 10! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 I think Z should throw it at her house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Invite the 10. People will be hurt otherwise--even though rationally they would understand, it would still sting. Ow. It won't ruin the party. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Another vote for inviting the unplanned guests - people's feelings are more important than the space in the house. Chances are that some of them won't be able to come, anyway. And make "Z" help!!! :glare: Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Invite the 10. There's no way that every single one of the 50 invitees are going to show up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Invite them and let the chips fall where they may. Calling it an "open house" and spreading it out over more hours might help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I guess in a situation like this it might be best for you and X's dh to ask yourselves "What would X want us to do?" Proceed accordingly. If asking the extra folks would break the X family budget for the party then they don't need to invite the extras. Z didn't really act appropriately-she should have come to you or X's dh and mention that she wanted to organize a special gift and inquire who she might approach or wait for the invites to go out and hear who might be attending. There would probably be hurt feelings if she was told this though. But just my 2 cents-hope X enjoys her big birthday bash! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted September 30, 2011 Author Share Posted September 30, 2011 I guess in a situation like this it might be best for you and X's dh to ask yourselves "What would X want us to do?" Proceed accordingly. If asking the extra folks would break the X family budget for the party then they don't need to invite the extras. Z didn't really act appropriately-she should have come to you or X's dh and mention that she wanted to organize a special gift and inquire who she might approach or wait for the invites to go out and hear who might be attending. There would probably be hurt feelings if she was told this though. But just my 2 cents-hope X enjoys her big birthday bash! I've talked to Z about it, and she's feeling kinda silly right now. She was just excited and assumed that it would be a big party, like in the summer. She wasn't thinking about the limited indoor space. I'm not even really annoyed with her. A bit bemused...but she was trying to be sweet to X by having us all contribute and get X something super special. I've emailed X's dh and told him to invite everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Invite them! But I loved kalanamak's idea!:lol: I think Z should throw it at her house. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I think Z should throw it at her house. :iagree: with the extra people invited of course.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Glad they'll be invited! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I've talked to Z about it, and she's feeling kinda silly right now. She was just excited and assumed that it would be a big party, like in the summer. She wasn't thinking about the limited indoor space. I'm not even really annoyed with her. A bit bemused...but she was trying to be sweet to X by having us all contribute and get X something super special. I've emailed X's dh and told him to invite everyone. I hope you all have a wonderful bash and that X has a very happy birthday! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Z gets to clean up the kitchen. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I think DH would go with who he thinks should be invited. Z was totally wrong to do what she did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Blessed is she who has more friends than she does space to put them. Since it sounds like she is very people oriented and caring, I would definitely invite them all because I think that is what she would like. She sounds like someone who would prefer crowded space to hurt feelings. Imagine how she would feel if she found out this had happened and her DH had allowed those friends to be hurt? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I've talked to Z about it, and she's feeling kinda silly right now. She was just excited and assumed that it would be a big party, like in the summer. She wasn't thinking about the limited indoor space. I'm not even really annoyed with her. A bit bemused...but she was trying to be sweet to X by having us all contribute and get X something super special. I've emailed X's dh and told him to invite everyone. I think that was the best course of action. Even if all ten come, it won't be that big of a deal when added to 42. Hope it all goes well! Let us know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Wow, Z isn't the brightest crayon in the box huh? I'd invite them at this point. Ten more (assuming they can even all come) shouldn't make a difference at this point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teachin'Mine Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 (edited) I think that if X knew about this and what happened, she'd want them all there at the party. Z should know better than to do that, but what's done is done. She meant well. :) ETA: What I must say to myself: Read through thread first, then post. Read through thread first, then post. lol Hope it's an awesome party!!! Edited September 30, 2011 by Teachin'Mine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I'd probably invite all of them, but make it open house style. Say, from 1 - 5 pm. Since your friend already knows about it (sort of), it's not a big deal for everyone to be there at the start to shout "surprise!". Make sure you state "Open House, drop by anytime between 1:00 and 5:00 to wish so-and-so a happy 40th!" or something like that. Then people understand they're not expected to be there for the whole thing, and the numbers will (hopefully) be spread out a bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Invite them all. Either change the party locale to a larger place or squeeze folks in. Make it a come and go affair. Set up a pot bellied stove on the porch with chairs and blankets and hot chocolate. I think it will work out just fine. Some folks won't be able to come anyway. Preserving people's feelngs is more important (in general and it sounds like to your friend for whom the party is being given) than any logistical issues of overcrowding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Z's super gift should now be a chiminea so all the guests can be comfortable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sushi's Mom Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Aldi has those big, patio heaters on sale right now for $99. (they won't have them fro long.) If he can afford it, tell the husband to get one or two of those, then he can have some tables and chairs outside for some of the guests that like that. It shouldn't be too terribly cold in November yet, unless there is an early snowstorm! Maybe he can rent a lodge. We did that for my mother-in-law's party and it was a really nice. Unfortunately, I got the guest list from her husband and he left off a lot of people that she would have liked to be there. Sometimes the husband's need help with guest lists, especially for such an outgoing person as your friend. Have fun! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 Preserving people's feelngs is more important (in general and it sounds like to your friend for whom the party is being given) than any logistical issues of overcrowding. :iagree:Which is why our Christmas parties resulted in about 60 adults in our home. It was fun, no regrets. Wish we'd kept up the tradition when we moved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted September 30, 2011 Share Posted September 30, 2011 I've talked to Z about it, and she's feeling kinda silly right now. She was just excited and assumed that it would be a big party, like in the summer. She wasn't thinking about the limited indoor space. I'm not even really annoyed with her. A bit bemused...but she was trying to be sweet to X by having us all contribute and get X something super special. I've emailed X's dh and told him to invite everyone. Z is feeling only "kinda silly"? What is she willing to do to resolve the problem she created? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted October 1, 2011 Author Share Posted October 1, 2011 Z is feeling only "kinda silly"? What is she willing to do to resolve the problem she created? She's going to make 40 little cakes for free for the party. Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm going to tell X's dh about the heaters. They have a patio that might work well for that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Invite them. People might say they understand. They may even understand. It will still sting. 10 more people, added to 42, isn't what will throw the party into the oversized category. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 I think Z should throw it at her house. :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Invite them. People might say they understand. They may even understand. It will still sting. 10 more people, added to 42, isn't what will throw the party into the oversized category. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 PROBLEM: Another friend (we'll call her Z), who is a very close friend of X and definitely invited to the party, wanted to treat X to a special gift. So, she emailed A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE who were NOT invited to the party asking them if they all wanted to contribute to buy a special gift for X. Z said in the email, "I'm kind of going out on a limb, not knowing who he is planning to invite, but am going to make an assumption that each of you will be." She went out on the limb, told them all about the party, said that she assumed they'll be invited.....But some of them won't be. So, now X's dh called me for advice and asked me what should he do? Invite the 10 people, but for the next party, don't invite Z. No one hsould go out on a limb on someone else's reputation or relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 X's dh certainly isn't obligated to invite the extra 10 people but it would be the gracious thing to do and it's what I would do. What's 10 more when you're already hosting 42, you know? I would find a way to make it work. He might consider asking Z to pitch in and help out with the food or other preparations (I see that she is preparing 40 cakes, which is nice). I'm sure she feels awkward at this point and would be glad to lend a helping hand! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaJo Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Invite the 10. People will be hurt otherwise--even though rationally they would understand, it would still sting. Ow. It won't ruin the party. Agreeing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaJo Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 She's going to make 40 little cakes for free for the party. Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm going to tell X's dh about the heaters. They have a patio that might work well for that. Better make 50. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted October 1, 2011 Share Posted October 1, 2011 Invite them. People might say they understand. They may even understand. It will still sting. 10 more people, added to 42, isn't what will throw the party into the oversized category. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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