Advice on Being a Mother-In-Law

[AllBoys]

One of my sons got married recently and I am trying to navigate through this new experience of having a daughter-in-law. To make it even trickier, I have all sons. If you search online, it would appear that being a mother-in-law is possibly the worst thing you can be. It is seriously all negative. I would like to find a site similar to WTM, where I can connect with other MIL's for advice and support. Any ideas?

[AK_Mom4]

I have been doing some thinking about this lately as my kids are getting older and starting to get into the dating thing. DS19 has been dating a girl for the last couple years and now that he is away at school, we actually see her more than we do him.

 

I think if I can always make my DIL/SIL feel welcome and (generally) keep my mouth shut, I will probably do ok as a MIL. My thought is that I should treat them the same way I treat my friends.....

[Daisy]

No unsolicited advice!

 

No guilt trips.

 

There you go. If my MIL would learn those two things I'd consider her a saint.

[ChandlerMom]

I think you've got a great idea about a MIL support forum/group. Or maybe a "how to" class. I'm a loooong way off from being one, know plenty of lousy ones. Luckly my mom is an excellent one (2 SILs and 1 DIL would all agree), so I hope to emulate her when my time comes.

 

My DH likes to say families are big on love but often short on respect. I really think it comes down to respecting your dc and dil. Accept you're a spectator in their life. Let them figure out their way of being and then figure out where you fit in. You can't push your way in, but hope that by how you raised your dc and how you treat your dil you will be invited into their lives. Don't offer advice unless asked. Look for and focus on the good in your dil. If you are looking for flaws, she'll feel that. Be open and let the relationship unfold. If you can approach it as, "Wow, you're an amazing person my son chose and brought into our lives. I look forward to getting to know you better." I think you'll be fine. :D

[arghmatey]

I would look for a site that tells horror stories about MIL's, and then do the opposite!

 

The opposite would be:

 

Do not give unsolicited advice

Do not expect your traditions to be carried on by your son and HIS family, and do not expect to be included in their traditions

Do not insert yourself into their reproductive or parenting decisions

 

There are so many pitfalls to being an IL, both for the daughters-in-law and the mothers-in-law.

 

Good luck!

[ElizabethB]

I have no idea if it's good or not, but when looking through free kindle books, I found this:

 

The Twelve Sacred Traditions of Magnificent Mothers-in-Law

 

It had good reviews.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Twelve-Traditions-Magnificent-Mothers-ebook/dp/B002B55H6O/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1305910755&sr=8-2

[Impish]

My advice (coming from someone whose MIL is NPD)

 

 

1. Realize that you're not his first priority. His first loyalty is now to his wife.
   
2. Don't try and 'make' them do anything. They aren't children, and no longer need parenting.
   
3. Respect, respect, respect.
   
4. Don't demand what you aren't willing to give (see #3)
   
5. Don't expect to be involved in any decision making. If you're asked, lovely, but don't have any expectations.
   
6. Demands backfire.
   

I realize my list isn't normal, but neither is my MIL.

[fairfarmhand]

My advice (coming from someone whose MIL is NPD)

 

 

1. Realize that you're not his first priority. His first loyalty is now to his wife.

2. Don't try and 'make' them do anything. They aren't children, and no longer need parenting.

3. Respect, respect, respect.

4. Don't demand what you aren't willing to give (see #3)

5. Don't expect to be involved in any decision making. If you're asked, lovely, but don't have any expectations.

6. Demands backfire.

 

I realize my list isn't normal, but neither is my MIL.

 

 

OT, but Impish, reading a book about your mother in law might be absolutely entertaining if it wasn't for real. The fact that she is for real and so are you just is very sad.

[TheCoffeeChick]

:)

Edited May 21, 2011 by BramFam
don't want to sound snarky

[justamouse]

Be the mother in law you wish you had.

 

Mine is great because she apparently read Imp's list and memorized it before I married her son.

[SunD]

Treat her like a friend, not a daughter. By that I mean, you wouldn't offer a friend advice she didn't ask for unless there was a dire situation, or criticize (even subtly) her decorating/parenting/cooking/whatever choices and preferences. You might naturally do those things with a daughter/son as a continuation of your parenting role, but they will alienate a DIL and make her think you're trying to control her. Find something good to admire and polite to say about her interests and choices, even if you disagree with them.

 

From having a bad relationship with my MIL, and observing good MIL/DIL relationships, that is the advice I can give. I wish I knew of a forum to point you toward. It's a great idea, and if there isn't one, there should be!

[meggie]

Don't insult your son or your DIL will get mad (my MIL does this)

 

Don't insult your DIL or your son will get mad (my mother does this)

 

Stay away from personal questions, ie don't ask when they're going to have a baby.

 

Don't loan them money, if you have enough for a gift, just give it to them with the expectation that it doesn't need to be paid back.

 

When you stay with them (overnight) ask her if she'd like you to do anything.

 

Don't tell them what they ought to be doing or try to keep parenting them.

 

Don't ever, ever, ever get involved in their marital affairs. If your son calls to vent, cut him off before he can say anything about her or she will forever be the one who made your baby mad.

[JVA]

I love the lists already posted.

 

One thing that is hard to navigate is when there is a temperment difference. My mil is an EXTREME introvert and I'm on the other end of the spectrum. Attempts at open, clear communication have been difficult because 'straight talking' and blunt honesty were seen as threatening. So, treading gently and trying to figure out what each party expects and wants is crucial and helps smooth out the road. The mil's child is the best avenue to wade through any land mines. He/she knows her/him best and can help the new mil out.

 

I completely agree with Impish. The KEY word is RESPECT ! :)

[Impish]

OT, but Impish, reading a book about your mother in law might be absolutely entertaining if it wasn't for real. The fact that she is for real and so are you just is very sad.

I've considered writing a book about her, but it would have to be labelled 'fiction' b/c nobody would believe it!

Mine is great because she apparently read Imp's list and memorized it before I married her son.

:lol:

[SweetMissMagnolia]

:iagree: no advice unless it's asked for.....and any way you can make her feel welcome that would be great...... :grouphug:

[Night Elf]

My MIL rocks. There is absolutely nothing negative about her or our relationship. She just treats me like one of the family. She is happy to share her experiences if I ask. When my children were really little, I would ask her questions about parenting. She just never interfered unless I specifically asked. She's never asked questions about my marriage to either me or DH. She's just a regular person. She's super nice and caring. Her 4 boys respect her although if you hear them talking sometimes, you might not agree. :D But since I have the same type of verbal interaction with my children, it's only funny for me.

[Magdalene]

Don't talk badly about your DIL to your grandkids. My grandmother AND my aunt did this to my brothers and I. Nothing my mom did was ever good enough for them and they made it quite clear to us kids that they thought that she wasn't good enough to marry my dad. Fast forward to today, no one in our family has much of a relationship with either my grandma or my aunt because they still choose to engage in that sort of behavior.

[RanchGirl]

I have been taking notes on this as well, and heres what I have come up with so far:

 

Don't criticize your dil to your son, don't allow your son to complain to you about his wife.

 

Don't manipulate either of them into doing things you want/expect them to do. Accept that they have to make their own decisions. Don't let this hurt your feelings, and don't use those hurt feelings to make yourself into the martyr of the century.

 

Don't complain to others about your dil. It *will* get back to her, and it does not make you look good anyway.

 

Do treat her like a friend you want to get to know. As a PP mentioned, you wouldn't make demands of or constantly offer unsolicited advice to a friend that you respect.

 

Do make developing the relationship a priority before kids are born, because that will add stress in many ways.

 

Respect that marriage is hard, and they are trying to find their way. It most likely won't be your way, and that is not an insult to you.

 

Consider that anything you can do to help them make a successful marriage, or at least not add stress to it, will only be further evidence of your excellent parenting. This is a different parenting role than while your son was growing up, but it is still important!

[Gailmegan]

My advice (coming from someone whose MIL is NPD)

 

 

1. Realize that you're not his first priority. His first loyalty is now to his wife.

2. Don't try and 'make' them do anything. They aren't children, and no longer need parenting.

3. Respect, respect, respect.

4. Don't demand what you aren't willing to give (see #3)

5. Don't expect to be involved in any decision making. If you're asked, lovely, but don't have any expectations.

6. Demands backfire.

I realize my list isn't normal, but neither is my MIL.

 

We need to get together and share stories, as my MIL has NPD too. I will add to your list:

 

Don't take any liberties with grandchildren unless you ask permission of parents first.

 

Take an interest in your DIL (and other people for that matter) and what she actually likes rather than assuming if you would like it that she must.

[Dolphin]

Honesty. My MIL tried so hard the first few years to be a good MIL that it was hard to get to know her. Once we broke down and had a really good fight, everything changed. I call her mum now, she treats me like a daughter (she only has sons). I am a part of the family. We fight, we cry, we laugh and love. It is a real relationship with all the bumps and bruises that come with it.

 

So

Honesty

Respect

Love

[katilac]

All the stuff listed plus:

 

Let go of the idea that you know your son better than she does, no matter that you knew him from the womb :D

 

Why? Because, #1, it's just annoying, and #2, it leads to thinking that he does certain things to please That Woman, when no, it's actually what he wants to do.

 

And, judging by the threads that pop-up every year, it would be great if you realized that it's often more manageable for the older, established couple to visit the younger couple. Double that when the younger couple has kids. Hard tho' it may be to believe, many people do not consider a trip to visit the inlaws as an actual vacation, and may prefer Disneyworld once in a while!

[SOCKSINFOX]

I have a wonderful MIL, and both my sister-in-law and I enjoy her. Here's what she did:

1. She always made me feel welcome and part of the family, even before I was, I saw her do the same with my SIL when BIL brought her around.

2. Treated us as equals (of course I was in my late 20's when I met her, which probably didn't hurt there).

3. She has always been herself with me, she is never fake.

4. Remembers important things about me and my family. She sends birthday cards / gifts, inquires about my family, especially if she has heard that there is something important happening (how are your sister's wedding plans going, is your mom feeling better, etc).

Basically, she has always gone out of the way to make me feel like I am an important part of the family, and because of that, I consider them a very important part of my family. She shows appreciation when I go out of my way to give her a heartfelt gift, to help my son make a gift for her, etc. I think the key is just being a gracious loving human being.

[mom4him]

I have been a mother in law now for almost 10 yrs. We have had our bumps but all in all I really do believe that my dil loves, respects and appreciates me.

 

I work hard at not criticizing the way they deal with their children, I try to show that I love and respect her and her decisions, and I try to be an encouragement to her in every way that I can. They have had a lot of rough blows in their married life, have worked through them and are happy.

 

Last summer when we had to make the trip to Denver and were there for 2 1/2 months, my son and dil were a tremendous support in so many ways. I am not sure how we would have managed without them. I talked to her privately several times and she was as willing to be there for us as our son was. She is a peach.

[ejadragna]

mind your comments. they can be taken the worng way. and always offer to help. be involved with grandchildren, respecting how they parent. thats a big one. just cuz you raised 10 children and they all truned out okay doesnt mean you should choose how your grandchildren are raised!

[TXMomof4]

Don't ever, ever, ever get involved in their marital affairs. If your son calls to vent, cut him off before he can say anything about her or she will forever be the one who made your baby mad.

 

The whole list was good, but this is huge to me. I can call a friend to vent about something crazy dh has done, but I never, ever need to vent to my parents.

 

ETA: Something I've really appreciated from my MIL is her willingness to acknowledge when I do something "right". I am very different from her, I was raised in a very different family and it shows in many ways. Last year we were at their house and my dd was having a meltdown over dinner. Rather than getting irritated I took her out of the room, gave a chance to chill and the situation resolved itself without any great drama. MIL sent me a card praising my patience and ability with my kids and I still have it beside my desk. It was huge to me.

Edited May 20, 2011 by TXMomof4

[DaffodilDreams]

My MIL is 98% perfect. My FIL, on the other hand . . .

[stripe]

I like my mother-in-law. She is respectful and kindly to me, and I try to do the same to her. I never assumed we would have problems.

 

Encourage your son to be nice to his wife. I think knowing his mother supports her will help avoid jealousy.

[DaffodilDreams]

mind your comments. they can be taken the worng way. and always offer to help. be involved with grandchildren, respecting how they parent. thats a big one. just cuz you raised 10 children and they all truned out okay doesnt mean you should choose how your grandchildren are raised!

:

 

Yes, this. Especially the part about being involved in the grandkids and respecting varying parenting styles.

[mamachanse]

I'm sure you probably know this, but don't make comments about how she and your son "don't know how to do it right" if they announce they are having a second, or third, or even fourth boy. :glare:

[Mary in VA]

No unsolicited advice!

 

No guilt trips.

 

There you go. If my MIL would learn those two things I'd consider her a saint.

 

 

:iagree::iagree:I had the world's best MIL. She became like a second mother to me. She NEVER gave advice unsolicited. They only way we knew that maybe she didn't agree with us on something is she was just very quiet about the subject :001_smile: She also respected the relationship between my dh and me and never tried to insert herself between us, she supported the relationship. When we would visit (they lived thousands of miles away from us) she would offer to watch the dc so dh and I could go out on a date. She also respected our home and our way of doing things when visiting us. The strongest example is, when she and FIL were staying with us before our first dd was born she asked what she could do to help with dinner. I said she could cut up the broccoli. She asked me how I wanted it cut. I said, "However you cut broccoli." And she answered, "But I want to cut it the way YOU want it." I am still amazed by that 21 years later. After dd was born she was there as a support (my mother couldn't be) but never butted in. After the 2 am feeding, dd was VERY fussy. MIL would wait a reasonable time to let us handle it, and then she would gently knock on our bedroom door and ask if we'd like her help. She'd take dd so we could get some sleep. But she waited before offering. She supported me emotionally when my own mother was declining in the last three years of her life, and supported me after my mother died. In the last six years of her life I spoke to her on the phone almost every day while I was preparing dinner. She was a dear, dear friend and I want to remember every thing she did to make her such a great MIL and be able to be that way for my future SILs.

 

I think you are on the right track to being that kind of MIL because you are already thinking about it and trying.:001_smile:

 

Mary

[amyco]

nm

Edited May 20, 2011 by amyco71
don't need to open my big mouth

[arghmatey]

Another major thing...when you have grandchildren, do not attempt to hone in on "Baby's First" anything! Baby's first Easter, Baby's first ornament, Baby's first Christmas outfit: the baby belongs to the parents. If you're lucky, you'll get a DIL who seeks counsel on some of these things, but otherwise, steer clear.

[Rosie_0801]

Treat your son or daughter in law like fully fledged adults. They are not your children and will not appreciate being treated like children in ways their own parents no longer even do. :glare:

 

Rosie

[Little Nyssa]

I have the best MIL in the world. In addition to the above, she likes my cooking!!

[msk]

Let. Christmas. Go.

 

It is ONE day. It's not worth creating huge family tensions over year after year. Invite them, or ask if you can visit, but keep it low-key. If they're busy on The Day, just arrange something else.

[5knights3maidens]

I have one thing to say.

 

The d-i-l should also be loving and kind to her m-i-l and vice versa for the s-i-l.

 

And the d-i-l / s-i-l should not forget that he/she has family too.

Edited May 21, 2011 by 5knights3maidens
adding more

[ejadragna]

actually got an email about in laws from focus on the family today. you might want to check it out

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication_and_conflict/inlaw_relationships/getting_along_with_your_inlaws.aspx

[lmrich]

I have a wonderful MIL. She is also a wonderful wife and therefore a role model for me. She is a good person, one of the best I have ever met. So be the best person you can be.

She doesn't interfere but is always there to help when asked.

She is free with compliments and is interested in what I do as a person, not just as the mother of her grandchildren.

I am so lucky to have her in my life.

 

Just be yourself. (unless you are a troll:001_huh:)

[Impish]

Oh, some other things to mention...

 

1. Don't tell the 10 minute married bride that you're glad she married your ds, because "I won't need to go into a nursing home now! You can take care of me!"
   
2. Don't tell them where they have to live/move.
   
3. Don't expect them to keep any secrets from their spouse.
   
4. When being told that they're expecting, "OH NO!!!" is NEVER an appropriate response. :glare:
   
5. Nor is asking them if the pregnancy is intentional.
   

 

[CourtneyMI]

I had to comment because I truly had the best mil anyone could ask for. She was the best person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. The biggest thing was that she always respected dh and I as people, as a couple and as parents. If she disapproved of something we did, she didn't let us know and let us make mistakes. She genuinely cared for me and always made me feel like family. Truly she was awesome.

[Susan C.]

I told ds that his wife will always be right. The end! :)

 

There is no marriage in sight, but he was funny when I told him that, he said, "really?" I said you will pick her, and you will deal with her.

 

I had a terrible MIL experience. She was SO sensitive. You could have indigestion, and she would swear you were looking at her funny....

 

I think the thing that ruined it for me was I never felt welcomed or treasured. And I tried so so hard, but it was never to be. I think it is so important to let a new DIL feel welcomed into the family, and to respect the way she does things, and her vision for her new family. Let her be the queen of her home with no guilt about it! I remember we had just gotten married, and had bought our first house. I was so looking forward to having our first Christmas there. But, no, we had to pack and go to MIL's house (just 20 minutes away) and stay there. I was so upset, and it was WW3. Awful. She ALWAYS put my poor dh in the position of choosing between her and me, and it always had to be her. Terrible, so glad its over.

[Garga]

My MIL and I didn't really get along for a good 12 years of my marriage. We didn't argue or anything like that. I'm not sure how she felt about me, I found her to be exasperating and very difficult to get to know. Though she never said anything, I felt like there were waves of disapproval coming my way. And we never, ever got beyond surface conversation like, "My! Isn't it a lovely day!" About 10 minutes into a visit with her, there was nothing more to say.

 

And then she invited me to go shopping with her and her friend. And for the First Time Ever, she acted like a normal person. Instead of being disapproving and stiff, she and her friend were cracking jokes and cackling and being total goof-balls! And I LOVED it!

 

And now, my MIL and I go shopping and to movies and out to lunch and talk for hours and hours and hours.

 

 

I guess she was finally "real" with me. The last 7 years have been awesome and I consider her one of my best friends.

[elfgivas]

I have no idea if it's good or not, but when looking through free kindle books, I found this:

 

The Twelve Sacred Traditions of Magnificent Mothers-in-Law

 

It had good reviews.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Twelve-Traditions-Magnificent-Mothers-ebook/dp/B002B55H6O/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1305910755&sr=8-2

 

free as a kindle download!

[BearWallowSchool]

If you like her, tell her. If she does something well, tell her. :001_smile:

[goldberry]

I have a great MIL too.

 

No unsolicited advice.

Did not make us feel responsible for her life or her happiness, so we actually wanted to share it more.

No parenting advice or too-personal questions, just encouragment and hugs.

 

Both my parents and his recognized that we became each other's first priority, and encouraged that rather than fighting it.

[SunD]

Adding to Imp's list, don't bring her pamphlets on free sterilization surgeries for low-income women. Especially not while she's pregnant.

 

But seriously, if you're concerned enough to be asking how to treat a DIL, I'm sure you're a nice person and will get along well. :001_smile:

[Impish]

Adding to Imp's list, don't bring her pamphlets on free sterilization surgeries for low-income women. Especially not while she's pregnant.

 

But seriously, if you're concerned enough to be asking how to treat a DIL, I'm sure you're a nice person and will get along well. :001_smile:

*snort*

Don't bring pamphlets to the house and leave them after dinner, explaining why she is dooming her family to hell by serving meat either.

 

Don't try and be the mom. He or she *has* a mom. Having a hissy b/c the inlaw won't call you 'mom' is inappropriate.

 

Don't throw (or attempt to throw) your own kid over in favour of the inlaw. Just b/c you always wanted a dd/ds, doesn't give you the right to completely ignore your own kid.

 

Don't threaten to call the police b/c they don't answer the phone when you think they should be home.

[Lady Florida.]

I have no idea if it's good or not, but when looking through free kindle books, I found this:

 

The Twelve Sacred Traditions of Magnificent Mothers-in-Law

 

It had good reviews.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Twelve-Traditions-Magnificent-Mothers-ebook/dp/B002B55H6O/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1305910755&sr=8-2

 

I just got it on my Kindle (it was free) recently and started reading it. It has some solid advice. I'm a MIL, but my DIL is married to my stepson. I didn't come into his life until he was 13, so I don't have the knowledge of him as a baby and young child (one of the bits of advice is not to tell embarrassing stories to your DIL/SIL).

 

I like to think I'm a pretty good mother-in-law. I don't try be her mother, she has a mother. I don't give unsolicited advice, don't criticize decisions, and don't get insulted if they choose to go to her parents for a holiday. Both families get along, but we live to far away to combine family gatherings. DSS and DDIL try to split up their time, but we make sure to let them know that our love for them isn't based on where they choose to have holiday dinners. ;)

 

Having a fantastic daughter in law helps, but I hope I wouldn't be a meddling MIL even if she wasn't as wonderful.

[Lady Florida.]

 

Accept that the children have grown up and are adults, fully capable of making responsible, ethical decisions.

 

This is key. Dh and I genuinely like having an adult relationship with them. I think showing respect for the grown child and the spouse are very important. If you do that, the rest will follow.

[BeckyFL]

My mother-in-law is amazing... I cherish her presence in my life, and am deeply grateful to her for her role in my husband's life.

 

...I don't know that I can enumerate what makes her so special, but here are a few thoughts:

 

1) In all the years I have been in her life, she has not only never breathed a word of criticism, of any aspect of our lives or parenting, she has sent constant messages of unconditional love, of all the ways she thinks we are marvelous.

 

2) When dh and I were first married, I was young and very opinionated. ...and I wasn't as tactful as I should have been in expressing myself. ...but she took the time to hear what I was really saying, and to respect me and my viewpoints... while still being fully and unapologetically herself.

 

3) She respects our boundaries about or kids and has never, in even the smallest way, undermined the positions we've taken.. even when she disagrees with them.

 

4) She seeks out ways to connect to our lives... she loves to hear details about us and what we are doing/thinking/reading... and she shares her thoughts and life with us.

 

5) She is always there for us, any and all of us... with no strings.

 

 

...all of the above applies to my incredible father-in-law as well. We are very blessed.

 

That is SO wonderful and exactly my goal! If my children's spouses can say that about me when all is said and done, I will be so very happy. May God help me to be just that in their lives!