I'm feeling like such a bad mom right now..am I really wrong??

[parias1126]

Please tell me the truth! I can take it! I really mean it! Just give it to me! It WILL NOT hurt my feelings if I am wrong in this situation.

 

Here goes...

 

I had posted a while back that my teen daughter was pregnant. Well, during those months she was pregnant, her boyfriend ran into a tree with his car because he fell asleep behind the wheel on the way home from our house after 10:30 p.m. He was fine, the car has been repaired.

 

I had suggested back then ( about 4 months ago now) that he go see a doctor to make sure he doesn't have a sleep disorder. I have seen him fall asleep sitting up several times in the evenings on the couch in my home. I have heard him snore very loud while sleeping when he falls asleep in my house. I have been in the car with him and have watched him almost doze off and have had to get his attention and say, "you doing okay?" My daughter gave birth the other day to a beautiful baby boy. Oh how sweet this baby is (but that is a whole 'nother subject). The nurses had to come in the room and tell my daughter to wake her boyfriend because he was snoring so loudly that you could hear him in the hallway at the hospital the night after she gave birth.

 

Well, her boyfriend got very agitated with me over the last few months because he refuses to go to the doctor (I had even offered to give him the copayment) and get checked out prior to the baby being born. I have made the rule that my daughter is not allowed to be in the car with him at night time AT ALL. The rule was that she wasn't allowed to get in the car with him at all EVER, but she pushed and pushed and pushed and so I budged. This has gone on for months now since he has refused to see a doctor and make sure he doesn't have a sleep disorder. If it turns out he does, then I would feel much safer knowing that it was at least under control with the use of a CPAP machine. He doesn't seem to realize how serious it is and how he could had killed himself that night. He doesn't realize just how lucky he is! :smash: I don't want to get a call because it happens again telling me that my daughter and grandchild are no longer here!

 

Well, the baby is now only 5 days old. He wants to pick up my DD Wednesday evening and take her and the baby to his grandmother's house so that they can see the baby. I informed my daughter that just because she has had a baby doesn't change things. The same rules still stand. She is still 18. She didn't get older because she gave birth. I explained to her she needs to think about her baby's well being FIRST and not HER OWN. Everyone else DOES NOT. Well, she tells her boyfriend she needs to be home before dark and they have been fighting all day. She has been emotional and crying for hours today...on the phone bickering, arguing and fighting. She says its MY FAULT. :cursing: I get home, log into facebook and the first thing I see is is her boyfriend's status that says, "Anyone know of any cheap apartments for rent?".

 

Ok. So you are going to move your child and girlfriend out of a stable environment into who knows what on $10/hour? My DD doesn't drive yet, has no car and no job! She hasn't even began to do anything with her life at this moment and I am just so worried at this point in time.

 

I know I am rambling, but I am just so frustrated. I maybe should had waited to post this until I had calmed down. I have put up with so much from her "wonderful amazing boyfriend" over the past few months. I have watched my DD cry for the last 9 months when he wasn't doing what he was supposed to. I have taken her to every doctor appointment. He didn't show up for ONE! He has talked bad about me behind my back and put my DD in tears because we are extremely close and it hurts her when he does it. He has gone as far as tell me that she is too close to me and needs to hold him as high as she holds me now that she is going to have a baby with him (this was prior to her giving birth). He has told me that I am not to call her when he is out with her on Saturdays having dinner since that is HIS TIME WITH HER. He is entitled to his time with her just as I am entitled to my time with her since they don't live together. Really? So it's okay for you to call and upset her all day when she is with me? Hmmm...I can go on and on and on about so many things. Every time he comes over he wreaks of cigarette smoke covered up with very strong cologne because his parents are chain smokers. It's gotten to the point where I have made him leave a change of clothes here so he can change when he gets here. Yesterday he came over to see his son and was holding him while he smelled like that. He just stopped bringing over a change of clothes in the last month or so. The baby was born with some breathing issues which would be another reason my DD shouldn't be bringing the baby to his family's house this early. His parents came to the hospital and the hospital room WREAKED BIG TIME! Not to mention that his mom had a cold and was hacking everywhere and never bothered to go wash her hands.

 

Ok... I got that off my chest and I think I'm done. I just feel like such a bad mom when I am trying to do the right thing for this baby and my DD.

[Impish]

She's 18. Legally, an adult (in Canada, anyways).

 

You need to back off a bit. No, you shouldn't be calling when they're out on a date. Unless the house is burning down, there's nothing so urgent that you need to be contacting her then.

 

It sounds like your dd is caught in a tug of war btwn you and the father of her child. You *will* lose if you make her continue this way. Sooner or later, she will balk and rebel.

 

I understand and agree with the safety issues. As long as you've explained it to her, and she can see the dangers, you need to trust her to make the right decisions.

[UnsinkableKristen]

I only have little ones, so I have absolutely no worthwhile advice to give.

 

:grouphug:, though, and I can tell you are doing your best.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Edited: My response wasn't constructive...just a knee-jerk reaction to a really stinky situation. To the OP...your not a bad mom at all imo. Hugs to you and I hope you can find some resolution.

Edited May 11, 2011 by 5LittleMonkeys

[JudoMom]

:grouphug: I don't know what to tell you. She's being not-so-smart, and she's probably hormonal. She's 18, but she's also being supported (I gather) by you. Can she get her driver's license and drive instead of her bf? That wouldn't solve the immediate, but might help in the long term. I do think you probably need to loosen up a bit, though...I would probably make the driving issue my hill to die on, because that can have devastating consequences. The other things are bothersome, but won't kill or maim them in an instant, kwim? It doesn't sound like the bf's parent's house is the best environment, but I would try not to worry about the baby spending a few hours there. :grouphug:

 

Congrats on the grandbaby, BTW!

[5LittleMonkeys]

She's 18. Legally, an adult (in Canada, anyways).

 

You need to back off a bit. No, you shouldn't be calling when they're out on a date. Unless the house is burning down, there's nothing so urgent that you need to be contacting her then.

 

It sounds like your dd is caught in a tug of war btwn you and the father of her child. You *will* lose if you make her continue this way. Sooner or later, she will balk and rebel.

 

I understand and agree with the safety issues. As long as you've explained it to her, and she can see the dangers, you need to trust her to make the right decisions.

 

You know, all of these statements are absolutely right. It makes me realize that I probably won't be a very good MIL...oh my poor girls. (This is why I don't want them to date until they are out of the house.)

[KnitWit]

:grouphug: You are not a bad mom. You are a mother who loves her daughter and her new grandbaby and wishes upon the greatest, brightest star that you can do something to *fix* the choice your dd has made. :grouphug:

 

However.

 

You can't. :grouphug:

 

Your dd is 18 and has a child. She is an adult. She's got to figure out how to own this. You need to figure out where you will draw your boundary lines. Be clear with her as to what you *can* and are *willing* to do to help and support her. Be clear with her as to what you *cannot* or *will not*. Then she is responsible to choose, for her and for her child.

:grouphug:

[LidiyaDawn]

I would probably refuse to let my dd and grand baby have any interaction with this young man until he made some major lifestyle and behavior changes.

 

This isn't a ten year old child that can be "forbidden" from playing with a friend. This is a legal adult, with a child of her own, who is going to make her own choices….

 

To the OP - you aren't a "bad mom"…it's obvious that you care.. but I do think that you need to let your adult daughter make her own choices.

[MamaSheep]

I agree that she's 18 and an adult, and needs to make decisions about her own life. Like it or not, she's an adult, and a mother. It's time for her to stop behaving like a child, and it's time for you to stop treating her like one. This is what she has decided to do with her life.

 

That said, if she is living at your house and eating your food, she needs to follow your rules, just as she would need to follow the landlord's rules if she were renting a room somewhere else.

 

I also think that if this guy wants to have the privileges that come with being a woman's husband, as far as how much time he gets to spend with her and how much say he has in how she lives her life, then he needs to marry the woman and take on the responsibilities of being a husband too. But really, that is your daughter's line in the sand to draw, not yours at this point, since she's an adult. You have let her make her own choices. You can offer support, and you can say what you are willing and not willing to do, and what she is and is not allowed to do in your house or with your money, but for better or worse, it's her life to live.

 

Also, this is the guy she picked to be the father of her child. He is the parent of the baby just like you are the parent of your daughter, except that his child is still a minor, and yours is not, so he has more rights to direct the course of his child's life than you do at this point. He is legally allowed to take the baby where he wants.

 

It would upset me too. I don't think you're a "bad mom", I think it's a less than ideal situation and you're just trying to get through the days. I'm sure this is all happening rather sooner than you would prefer, and I would guess you don't think she's ready, but it is what it is, and it is when it is, and I'm afraid there's not much you can do about it at this point. Your daughter is an adult and this is what she picked.

Edited May 11, 2011 by MamaSheep

[parias1126]

:grouphug: I don't know what to tell you. She's being not-so-smart, and she's probably hormonal. She's 18, but she's also being supported (I gather) by you. Can she get her driver's license and drive instead of her bf? That wouldn't solve the immediate, but might help in the long term. I do think you probably need to loosen up a bit, though...I would probably make the driving issue my hill to die on, because that can have devastating consequences. The other things are bothersome, but won't kill or maim them in an instant, kwim? It doesn't sound like the bf's parent's house is the best environment, but I would try not to worry about the baby spending a few hours there. :grouphug:

 

Congrats on the grandbaby, BTW!

I do know that all the other things I mentioned are not that huge of a concern. I have just let them fly off my shoulder so to speak. If he wants bad mouth me to my DD...let him. He is just pushing her away which is how I look at it. She knows that I have supported her more then any mother could over the last 9 months of her life. The last 9 months has done nothing but bring us even closer to each other. I think it just helped her to realize that I love her more than anything and will always be there for her NO MATTER WHAT.

 

My biggest issues is the driving thing. It's just dangerous....end of story.

[Aubrey]

I agree w/ your feelings on everything you've written, but I agree w/ pps who say it's probably not something to *push.*

 

I esp wanted to comment on bf wanting to take your dd & new baby to see his family. First, it's really good that he's involved. Second, I know smoking is bad & stinks, but...imagine for a minute that HIS family was telling HIM that it's not good for the baby to be around YOU, even if it's just "at first."

 

(I hate smoking; in my case it was MY family that smoked & dh is allergic. It's been awkward, but since *I* am the one saying what we can & can't do--as opposed to my mil!--it's been received...well...ok-ish.)

 

This guy is going to be in dd's life pretty much forever, & that's the best case scenario. Peace is invaluable & deserves some degree of honor & protection.

 

Any ideas why he won't see a dr? Does he have ins? I could see declining an offer of a copay if you don't have ins & you're too embarrassed to admit that it would cost you $100+ to see a dr instead of $30 or so.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry this is hard.

[parias1126]

I agree w/ your feelings on everything you've written, but I agree w/ pps who say it's probably not something to *push.*

 

I esp wanted to comment on bf wanting to take your dd & new baby to see his family. First, it's really good that he's involved. Second, I know smoking is bad & stinks, but...imagine for a minute that HIS family was telling HIM that it's not good for the baby to be around YOU, even if it's just "at first."

 

(I hate smoking; in my case it was MY family that smoked & dh is allergic. It's been awkward, but since *I* am the one saying what we can & can't do--as opposed to my mil!--it's been received...well...ok-ish.)

 

This guy is going to be in dd's life pretty much forever, & that's the best case scenario. Peace is invaluable & deserves some degree of honor & protection.

 

Any ideas why he won't see a dr? Does he have ins? I could see declining an offer of a copay if you don't have ins & you're too embarrassed to admit that it would cost you $100+ to see a dr instead of $30 or so.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry this is hard.

He does have insurance that is deducted from his paychecks every other week. His excuse for not going was, "I don't have the time".

[OrganicAnn]

There are things you can change and things that you can't. You can't change who the father of your grandchild is. But why don't you teach your daughter to drive?! At least if she can drive she is not at the mercy of anyone else.

[parias1126]

There are things you can change and things that you can't. You can't change who the father of your grandchild is. But why don't you teach your daughter to drive?! At least if she can drive she is not at the mercy of anyone else.

Ha! Thats a great question. She was taught to drive. She is a very nervous driver no matter who is sitting in the passenger seat. She got pregnant. I offered to let her drive several times. She declined stating that she was uncomfortable driving being pregnant. She had a horrible pregnancy and felt miserable for the whole 9 months. Hopefully she will feel good enough to practice driving some more soon and go get her license.

[kalanamak]

 

That said, if she is living at your house and eating your food, she needs to follow your rules, just as she would need to follow the landlord's rules if she were renting a room somewhere else.

.

 

:iagree:Whose bread you eat, his song you sing.

[Aubrey]

I would probably refuse to let my dd and grand baby have any interaction with this young man until he made some major lifestyle and behavior changes. I would not let him drive them anywhere until he goes to the doctor, I would not let him in my house smelling of cigarettes, I would not let him take DD or baby anywhere where people are smoking.

 

The young man is legally the child's father; despite OP's dd's future relationship w/ him, he has rights w/ regard to the child that even OP does not have. I think that is being REALLY overlooked in some of the statements being made, & as parents, I think we'd be among the first to recognize that our rights w/ regard to our kids, our choices in raising them, etc, are pretty sacred. How many on this board have chosen to cut parents/in laws out of their lives because their decisions as parents are not being respected by their own parents?

 

I don't like the situation, either, but I'm afraid treating dd like a child will result in dd not listening to OP. And in the end, she may be more easily manipulated by her bf as a result.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: You are not a bad mom. You are a mother who loves her daughter and her new grandbaby and wishes upon the greatest, brightest star that you can do something to *fix* the choice your dd has made. :grouphug:

 

However.

 

You can't. :grouphug:

 

Your dd is 18 and has a child. She is an adult. She's got to figure out how to own this. You need to figure out where you will draw your boundary lines. Be clear with her as to what you *can* and are *willing* to do to help and support her. Be clear with her as to what you *cannot* or *will not*. Then she is responsible to choose, for her and for her child.

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: IMO you are trying to parent the father of the child. He is NOT your child. Maybe he has breathing issues from being around smoking parents. Personally I would be offended if you asked me to change clothes to come visit your home. I agree the falling asleep at the wheel is a severe issue. Does he understand you come from a point of concern, not nagging?

 

It's honorable that he stuck around, that he apparently has future goals to make them a family. Many families have started on 10.00 an hour and a whole lot of love.

 

Your dd just gave birth, I'm sure you're all stressed. I would probably have a lot of gentle conversations, but bite my tongue a lot.

 

:grouphug:

Edited May 11, 2011 by elegantlion
correcting spelling

[Barb_]

:grouphug: I am so sorry. I'm there with my daughter. She fell asleep at the wheel 18 months ago and rolled the van on the highway. Luckily I had a way to keep her from behind the wheel until she came to her senses and agreed to a sleep study...I stopped paying her car insurance.

 

Can you back away from the boyfriend and somehow get your daughter on your side? I have a feeling she would have more persuasive power with him than you. She is afraid to drive; maybe she needs to see that riding in the passenger seat with someone who could pass out at any time is at least as dangerous as her inexperience. Cry if you must. Make sure she understands how deeply worried you are.

 

Barb

[hana]

 

Your dd just gave birth, I'm sure you're all stressed. I would probably have a lot of gentle conversations, but bite my tongue a lot.

 

 

 

 

Nicely said. Is it possible for you to drive them there and back?

[5kidsforME]

I agree w/ your feelings on everything you've written, but I agree w/ pps who say it's probably not something to *push.*

 

I esp wanted to comment on bf wanting to take your dd & new baby to see his family. First, it's really good that he's involved. Second, I know smoking is bad & stinks, but...imagine for a minute that HIS family was telling HIM that it's not good for the baby to be around YOU, even if it's just "at first."

 

(I hate smoking; in my case it was MY family that smoked & dh is allergic. It's been awkward, but since *I* am the one saying what we can & can't do--as opposed to my mil!--it's been received...well...ok-ish.)

 

This guy is going to be in dd's life pretty much forever, & that's the best case scenario. Peace is invaluable & deserves some degree of honor & protection.

 

Any ideas why he won't see a dr? Does he have ins? I could see declining an offer of a copay if you don't have ins & you're too embarrassed to admit that it would cost you $100+ to see a dr instead of $30 or so.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry this is hard.

 

:iagree: I agree with Aubrey and a few of the other posters. He is going to be involved in your daughter's life and your grandchild's life forever.

 

If you're not careful, you won't be.

[Impish]

The young man is legally the child's father; despite OP's dd's future relationship w/ him, he has rights w/ regard to the child that even OP does not have. I think that is being REALLY overlooked in some of the statements being made, & as parents, I think we'd be among the first to recognize that our rights w/ regard to our kids, our choices in raising them, etc, are pretty sacred. How many on this board have chosen to cut parents/in laws out of their lives because their decisions as parents are not being respected by their own parents?

 

I don't like the situation, either, but I'm afraid treating dd like a child will result in dd not listening to OP. And in the end, she may be more easily manipulated by her bf as a result.

:iagree:

Rereading the OP, what strikes me is fear. It sounds as though there's a lot of fear involved, and the response to it is to try and control as many variables as possible.

 

Unfortunately, I can see it backfiring in a major way, and that would be tragic for both the OP and her dd.

 

He's the father of the baby. He has equal rights to the child as the mom...and more than the grandmother.

 

I would truly hate to see it come to a point where the OP comes home one day to find her dd and grandson have moved out without warning, b/c the dd didn't want to fight anymore...and I'm afraid, if the tug of war continues, that is a possibility.

 

The child needs both parents...and if your dd puts her son first, then if she feels like she needs to choose btwn her son having a father or a grandmother...Daddy will be placed first.

 

The bf is right when he says that the dd needs to place him higher. He's the father of her child, her partner, and potentially, future spouse. If they were to get married next week, I can see disaster in terms of inlaw relationships. Not something anyone wants.

[gingersmom]

You are not a bad mom at all. :grouphug:

 

I think you need to pick your battles.

 

I would definitely make not driving with boyfriend my #1 battle.

 

I would offer to drive them, pay for a car service, train, bus, plane to get them wherever they are going.

 

My X husband refused for over a year to go see a doctor about his snoring. To this day I cannot tell you why he was so bull headed about it and refused to go.

[Melinda in VT]

You're not a bad mom, and I completely understand why you feel the way you do about the things you've shared.

 

But . . .

 

Your daughter is an adult. You need to treat her like one. Yes, the fact that she's living with you does give you the right to set some extra rules concerning her behavior at home, but I don't think it extends to her behavior outside of your home.

 

(And I don't think her boyfriend is out of line to request that you not call her when they are out on a date.)

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I agree with you 100% on the driving issue (sorry to say that I skimmed the rest).

 

I have sleep apnea, treated with CPAP.

 

I would keep giving him information about sleep disorders.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

At that age you say to them, "I'm concerned because I see you fall asleep in situations where you shouldn't be falling asleep."

 

They hear, "I hate him and you are my daughter and you are not allowed in the car with him because I hate him."

 

They are both parents, they are both adults. The only thing you can so is make sure that it's NOT that you dislike him in any way, but that you have a grave concern about the dangers of his sleeping habits.

 

And pray like heck.

[parias1126]

:iagree: IMO you are trying to parent the father of the child. He is NOT your child. Maybe he has breathing issues from being around smoking parents. Personally I would be offended if you asked me to change clothes to come visit your home. I agree the falling asleep at the wheel is a severe issue. Does he understand you come from a point of concern, not nagging?

 

It's honorable that he stuck around, that he apparently has future goals to make them a family. Many families have started on 10.00 an hour and a whole lot of love.

 

Your dd just gave birth, I'm sure you're all stressed. I would probably have a lot of gentle conversations, but bite my tongue a lot.

 

:grouphug:

I'm not trying to parent the father of the child at all. What he does is what he does. My concern is for my DD and my GDS. He can choose to not see the doctor and get it taken care of, but as long as I am supporting both my DD and my GDS, they don't need to be in the car at night with him. As far as all the other things, they are just the icing on the cake. I have let all of it roll off my shoulder.

 

My prospective on this is that I am fine with my DD moving out and doing what she needs to do for HER family. She knows this. I could only WISH that he would stand up and support her, the baby and put a roof over their heads. My problem with it is that he only starts with the apartment hunting thing and posts it all over facebook when he isn't happy with something. I want my DD to move out for the right reasons....not for the wrong reasons.

 

As far as biting my tongue, I've been doing that for a looooong time.

[KnitWit]

I think if you can let all the other stuff go, your concern over the sleep issue might be heard. Right now, it's one of many things they seem to perceive that you just don't like about him. Drop the other stuff and then maybe they will hear you. I agree that is a serious issue, whether your dd is with him or not.

[Barb_]

I think if you can let all the other stuff go, your concern over the sleep issue might be heard. Right now, it's one of many things they seem to perceive that you just don't like about him. Drop the other stuff and then maybe they will hear you. I agree that is a serious issue, whether your dd is with him or not.

 

:iagree: And stay off Facebook. You don't need any fuel for your fire. He's bluffing and you don't need to know about it. :grouphug: Again.

[ktgrok]

Ok, time to pick your battles, and realize what you can change and what you can't. You can't forbid him to take the baby anywhere, as he is the father.

 

However, you can show DD the statistics on SIDS and smoking, including the dangers of third hand smoke. Taking her baby into a house full of smoke means risking SIDS. Can you invite the grandparents over to your house to meet the baby? And offer to drive when need be?

[5kidsforME]

Ok, time to pick your battles, and realize what you can change and what you can't. You can't forbid him to take the baby anywhere, as he is the father.

 

However, you can show DD the statistics on SIDS and smoking, including the dangers of third hand smoke. Taking her baby into a house full of smoke means risking SIDS. Can you invite the grandparents over to your house to meet the baby? And offer to drive when need be?

 

I don't agree with this at all. He is the father he has every right to take the baby to his parents and he will, they're his parents. If you do the bolded, is that really helping the new mother? Don't you think she has enough on her plate?

[parias1126]

:iagree:

Rereading the OP, what strikes me is fear. It sounds as though there's a lot of fear involved, and the response to it is to try and control as many variables as possible.

 

Unfortunately, I can see it backfiring in a major way, and that would be tragic for both the OP and her dd.

 

He's the father of the baby. He has equal rights to the child as the mom...and more than the grandmother.

 

I would truly hate to see it come to a point where the OP comes home one day to find her dd and grandson have moved out without warning, b/c the dd didn't want to fight anymore...and I'm afraid, if the tug of war continues, that is a possibility.

 

The child needs both parents...and if your dd puts her son first, then if she feels like she needs to choose btwn her son having a father or a grandmother...Daddy will be placed first.

 

The bf is right when he says that the dd needs to place him higher. He's the father of her child, her partner, and potentially, future spouse. If they were to get married next week, I can see disaster in terms of inlaw relationships. Not something anyone wants.

I can assure you that I won't come home one day and find my DD gone. It's not even like that. I think you are reading way too much into my post now. My DD and I have a wonderful relationship and always have. It's not like stuff like this happens everyday in our life. This is the instance now and today. I get along with her boyfriend just fine. We laugh, we joke, we talk. I have taken him along on family vacations, etc. We are talking about a guy that, for the last 4 months, has seen my DD maybe 8 hours in a week span.....every week! The baby has been home since Saturday morning. It is Tuesday night and he has been over here for 2 hours TOTAL. My DD and I have done ALL of the baby caring. Like I said previously, I have bitten my tongue for months.

[parias1126]

I agree with you 100% on the driving issue (sorry to say that I skimmed the rest).

 

I have sleep apnea, treated with CPAP.

 

I would keep giving him information about sleep disorders.

My DH has it as well which is probably the reason I am so adamant about my DD's boyfriend seeing a doc.

[parias1126]

Ok, time to pick your battles, and realize what you can change and what you can't. You can't forbid him to take the baby anywhere, as he is the father.

 

However, you can show DD the statistics on SIDS and smoking, including the dangers of third hand smoke. Taking her baby into a house full of smoke means risking SIDS. Can you invite the grandparents over to your house to meet the baby? And offer to drive when need be?

I have offered for them all to come to my home. My DD declined and said she feels awkward. She felt awkward with his family at the hospital. Everyone did including my DD's friends. I don't even know how to describe it but they are not very talkative people? They sorta just stood there with blind looks on their faces. Her boyfriend isn't a talker either and has to be talked to to get a response, and even then you get a one-word response. I think it just runs in the family. LOL

[Starr]

I would be totally crazed. You can either say "No!" or tell her to make the best decision for the baby. Unfortunately the father could go to court and take the baby alone for visits. This must be really difficult. I'm glad you have a great relationship with your dd. ( You might need to be documenting the driving and sleep problem.)

[stephanier.1765]

I see this as the same as not letting my child, adult or not, into a vehicle with a drunk driver. One study on sleep deprivation equated 2 weeks of 6 hour nights to 24 hours with no sleep — the cognitive equivalent of being legally drunk. Now I know none of you who are advocating letting the dd make her own decisions about driving with this guy at night would be saying the same thing if he was driving drunk. This is a real life and death safety issue.

 

I do like the compromise of the OP driving them herself. DD, however, definitely needs to get her own license. That's a great way for her to start growing her independence.

[TheReader]

She's 18. Legally, an adult (in Canada, anyways).

 

You need to back off a bit. No, you shouldn't be calling when they're out on a date. Unless the house is burning down, there's nothing so urgent that you need to be contacting her then.

 

It sounds like your dd is caught in a tug of war btwn you and the father of her child. You *will* lose if you make her continue this way. Sooner or later, she will balk and rebel.

 

I understand and agree with the safety issues. As long as you've explained it to her, and she can see the dangers, you need to trust her to make the right decisions.

 

Ditto this. I know that's not easy to say or to hear or to do, but it's the truth of the matter.

[MindyD]

My oldest is 8 so take my opinion for what it's worth. It sounds like you're too involved in their relationship. Your daughter has to be the one to handle these issues with her boyfriend. Since your daughter is living with you and you're supporting her, you do have some control over her, but as for the father and the baby, you can't make those final decisions. Maybe you and your daughter need to sit down and come up with crystal clear boundaries. I can't even begin to think of how to do this...:grouphug:

[BakersDozen]

Your daughter has to be the one to handle these issues with her boyfriend.

My dh is one of the worst drivers I know. When we were dating his driving should have killed both of us as well as others on the road. While my mom was visiting once he drove us down a winding mountain road. At the bottom my mom asked him to pull over then proceeded to tell him that if he wanted to kill himself that was fine but how dare he put her and her daughter in danger?! She really let him have it and she was absolutely right...but it changed nothing. I thought she was overreacting and he thought she was being intrusive.

 

Flash forward a couple of years to when we were married and my dh nearly killed us (including our two young dc) on the road. He'd done stupid things before but suddenly something clicked in me and I asked him to pull over, then read him the riot act just as my mom had. His driving improved somewhat however after a few more near misses (including the time he drove me home from the hospital 4 hours after I'd had a baby) I decided enough was enough; he doesn't drive when the dc or I am in the vehicle.

 

It has to come from your dd at this point. You've said your piece, there is no doubt as to your concerns, now you have to wait for her to take action. I'm sorry we are so stupid (as young daughters, that is) but that's just sometimes the way it is.

 

Oh, my mil once made a comment about my baby smelling like smoke after being held by my stepfather. Her concern meant nothing to me but her intrusiveness did. I'd let that one go for sure.

[Rosie_0801]

Your daughter is going to need a strong character to coexist with a stubborn partner. You and he are both pulling in different directions, you are weakening her.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Danestress]

I want my DD to move out for the right reasons....not for the wrong reasons.

 

 

 

Money, obviously, is the issue for them. That's undeniable and may limit their options.

 

But in the ideally lucrative world, this man would live with his own child and would not have to get your permission for his parents to see their own grandchild. That alone seems like a perfectly valid reason to want to move your daughter out. Most of us want to make our own parenting decisions - apart from the money, I think anyone would move out under those circumstances. I'm sure he would love to have time with his child without the grandparents around. That just seems very normal and okay. I think all of our husbands want that.

 

I think you need to decide what you most want. If you really truly want her to stay so that you can help raise this child and give him a stable home, I think you need to back off. Let her talk to the boyfriend about his health - she's an adult and should handle that herself. Don't call her when she's out with him unless it's an emergency. Listen to him when he says that. He's the Dad! Respect their roles as fledgling parents, even when it hurts. If you want her to stay, you have to accept that you are wanting that for very good reasons but that it's not going to be easy for any of you, and the hard part for you might be giving up some power and control.

 

If you really want to stick to your guns and have "my house, my rules" I think you have to understand that just having those kind of rules is likely to mean your daughter moves out sooner. And that seems fine to me. It's the normal thing for parents in America to raise their own children without the oversight of grandparents. While I think that the old world model of multi-generations as a lot to recommend itself, the reality is that few American parents are willing to share important decision making power with grandparents.

 

If she moves out and she and this kid don't work out a marriage, eventually courts may well decide some of the issues. Chances are, there will be overnight visits with Dad and/or his parents. You still won't get to call the shots on that, so I think you should grin and bear the reality that whether you or your daughter like them or not, they are a fact of life.

Edited May 11, 2011 by Danestress

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I get along with her boyfriend just fine. We laugh, we joke, we talk.

 

Her boyfriend isn't a talker either and has to be talked to to get a response, and even then you get a one-word response.

 

With all gentleness and no snark...isn't this a contradiction?

[annandatje]

Please tell me the truth! I can take it! I really mean it! Just give it to me! It WILL NOT hurt my feelings if I am wrong in this situation.

 

Here goes...

 

I had posted a while back that my teen daughter was pregnant. Well, during those months she was pregnant, her boyfriend ran into a tree with his car because he fell asleep behind the wheel on the way home from our house after 10:30 p.m. He was fine, the car has been repaired.

 

I had suggested back then ( about 4 months ago now) that he go see a doctor to make sure he doesn't have a sleep disorder. I have seen him fall asleep sitting up several times in the evenings on the couch in my home. I have heard him snore very loud while sleeping when he falls asleep in my house. I have been in the car with him and have watched him almost doze off and have had to get his attention and say, "you doing okay?" My daughter gave birth the other day to a beautiful baby boy. Oh how sweet this baby is (but that is a whole 'nother subject). The nurses had to come in the room and tell my daughter to wake her boyfriend because he was snoring so loudly that you could hear him in the hallway at the hospital the night after she gave birth.

 

Well, her boyfriend got very agitated with me over the last few months because he refuses to go to the doctor (I had even offered to give him the copayment) and get checked out prior to the baby being born. I have made the rule that my daughter is not allowed to be in the car with him at night time AT ALL. The rule was that she wasn't allowed to get in the car with him at all EVER, but she pushed and pushed and pushed and so I budged. This has gone on for months now since he has refused to see a doctor and make sure he doesn't have a sleep disorder. If it turns out he does, then I would feel much safer knowing that it was at least under control with the use of a CPAP machine. He doesn't seem to realize how serious it is and how he could had killed himself that night. He doesn't realize just how lucky he is! :smash: I don't want to get a call because it happens again telling me that my daughter and grandchild are no longer here!

 

Well, the baby is now only 5 days old. He wants to pick up my DD Wednesday evening and take her and the baby to his grandmother's house so that they can see the baby. I informed my daughter that just because she has had a baby doesn't change things. The same rules still stand. She is still 18. She didn't get older because she gave birth. I explained to her she needs to think about her baby's well being FIRST and not HER OWN. Everyone else DOES NOT. Well, she tells her boyfriend she needs to be home before dark and they have been fighting all day. She has been emotional and crying for hours today...on the phone bickering, arguing and fighting. She says its MY FAULT. :cursing: I get home, log into facebook and the first thing I see is is her boyfriend's status that says, "Anyone know of any cheap apartments for rent?".

 

Ok. So you are going to move your child and girlfriend out of a stable environment into who knows what on $10/hour? My DD doesn't drive yet, has no car and no job! She hasn't even began to do anything with her life at this moment and I am just so worried at this point in time.

 

I know I am rambling, but I am just so frustrated. I maybe should had waited to post this until I had calmed down. I have put up with so much from her "wonderful amazing boyfriend" over the past few months. I have watched my DD cry for the last 9 months when he wasn't doing what he was supposed to. I have taken her to every doctor appointment. He didn't show up for ONE! He has talked bad about me behind my back and put my DD in tears because we are extremely close and it hurts her when he does it. He has gone as far as tell me that she is too close to me and needs to hold him as high as she holds me now that she is going to have a baby with him (this was prior to her giving birth). He has told me that I am not to call her when he is out with her on Saturdays having dinner since that is HIS TIME WITH HER. He is entitled to his time with her just as I am entitled to my time with her since they don't live together. Really? So it's okay for you to call and upset her all day when she is with me? Hmmm...I can go on and on and on about so many things. Every time he comes over he wreaks of cigarette smoke covered up with very strong cologne because his parents are chain smokers. It's gotten to the point where I have made him leave a change of clothes here so he can change when he gets here. Yesterday he came over to see his son and was holding him while he smelled like that. He just stopped bringing over a change of clothes in the last month or so. The baby was born with some breathing issues which would be another reason my DD shouldn't be bringing the baby to his family's house this early. His parents came to the hospital and the hospital room WREAKED BIG TIME! Not to mention that his mom had a cold and was hacking everywhere and never bothered to go wash her hands.

 

Ok... I got that off my chest and I think I'm done. I just feel like such a bad mom when I am trying to do the right thing for this baby and my DD.

 

Poor young adults and poor mama. Sounds like everyone is struggling to be heard. Hard as it would be, giving them their space is route I would choose. She is 18 and has graduated? She is an adult legally. She needs to either work or attend college or trade school so she can eventually support her child if the boyfriend does not step up to the plate. If you can hold your tongue about the boyfriend's shortcomings, you will reduce tension in your relationship with her (and him if he maintains a role in your grandchild's life). Actually I respect his telling you that they need time alone together as long as it does not cross line into trying to keep your daughter away from her family. Try to relax about the smoke smell; sounds like he lives at home because he can't afford to be out on his own. I'm rambling too but I really do feel for you.

[parias1126]

With all gentleness and no snark...isn't this a contradiction?

 

It does sound like that. He has gotten much better with the talking thing over the last couple months.

[Supertechmom]

Just to throw this into the pot.... you really need to have your daughter seek legal advise. baby rights and daddy rights vary greatly by state. In my state, simply leaving the daddy's name off the birth certificate removes any and all rights to the baby. HE would have to get a lawyer, go to court, prove paternity and then sue for custody/visitation. If the girl lists him, not living with the mom pretty much excludes him from most things like TAKING THE BABY for visits. He doesn't have the right. She can block him from doing so and the police would side with her because there was no court order. Too many people assume fathering the child gives some kind of magical rights in the eyes of the law. It doesn't unless something happens to the mother. Since they are neither married nor living together, I would seek legal advise and find out just exactly what everyone's rights were and go from there. It never hurts to know even if you don't intend to do anything or if your daughter wants to make sure he has legal rights. There was thread here from a long time ago that addresses father's rights. It was an eye opener.

[parias1126]

Just to throw this into the pot.... you really need to have your daughter seek legal advise. baby rights and daddy rights vary greatly by state. In my state, simply leaving the daddy's name off the birth certificate removes any and all rights to the baby. HE would have to get a lawyer, go to court, prove paternity and then sue for custody/visitation. If the girl lists him, not living with the mom pretty much excludes him from most things like TAKING THE BABY for visits. He doesn't have the right. She can block him from doing so and the police would side with her because there was no court order. Too many people assume fathering the child gives some kind of magical rights in the eyes of the law. It doesn't unless something happens to the mother. Since they are neither married nor living together, I would seek legal advise and find out just exactly what everyone's rights were and go from there. It never hurts to know even if you don't intend to do anything or if your daughter wants to make sure he has legal rights. There was thread here from a long time ago that addresses father's rights. It was an eye opener.

 

I realize everyone is making a huge deal about my DD's boyfriend's rights to the baby. Actually he isn't on the birth certificate because the hospital wouldn't list him not being married to my DD. She had an expired restricted license and so she couldn't have her signature notorized deeming him the baby's father. They still need to straighten it out and had planned to tomorrow so we'll see what happens.

[Tracy]

That said, if she is living at your house and eating your food, she needs to follow your rules, just as she would need to follow the landlord's rules if she were renting a room somewhere else.

 

And you have to decide whether your rules are important enough that you are willing to have her move out if she doesn't like them. Whether they are or are not doesn't matter very much. You just have to realize that just as breaking rules have consequences, so also having inflexible rules can have consequences.

 

Also, she does need to learn how to be a mother, and much of that learning comes with doing it yourself. If you do all the mothering for that baby, how will she ever learn.

 

I know it is very hard to see all that happen at the baby's expense. I have seen it in my own family. I just pray for them all the time and have faith that God has them in His sight always.

[JeneralMom]

Honestly, I think the driving issue would be a hill I was willing to die on. I would not address it with the BF as it obviously makes him defensive, but I would continue to discuss it with DD and point out that your fear is for her safety as well as the baby's.

[GWOB]

:grouphug: OP. My oldest is only 10, but I have 18 and 20yo sisters.

 

You are in a really difficult situation. You were there for your dd throughout her pregnancy. You are the one supporting her and her ds. You are providing a roof over their head, food on the table, and likely clothing for both. IMO, that gives you a whole heck of a lot of say in the situation. HOWEVER, she is 18 and legally an adult, not to mention a mother.

 

You have very valid concerns. Perhaps your dd's boyfriend does have a sleep issue. That can be a problem when driving. You have expressed your concerns and he has refused to get help. I know how much it stinks to be right and have no one listen, but unfortunately you cannot control him. Maybe you could cultivate a realtionship with his parents and bring your concerns to them. That may be a possible solution. The key is NOT to pit your dd against the father of her child. That will never end well. Those two have to figure this whole parent thing out on their own. They are stuck with each other for the rest of their child's life. You are stuck with him and his family too. You have to tread carefully. Again, as long as you are supporting your dd, your have a right to voice your opinions and even set certain guidelines. Just make sure those guidelines are not meant to remove this guy from your dd's life (unless he is an abusive, drug-dealing sack of cow manure).

[Jennifer3141]

I realize everyone is making a huge deal about my DD's boyfriend's rights to the baby. Actually he isn't on the birth certificate because the hospital wouldn't list him not being married to my DD. She had an expired restricted license and so she couldn't have her signature notorized deeming him the baby's father. They still need to straighten it out and had planned to tomorrow so we'll see what happens.

 

I think people are making a "huge deal" out of the father's rights because that is most probably going to be your biggest issue throughout this child's life. This boy (who is so irresponsible at 18-ish that you won't let your adult-ish DD drive around with him) is now tied to your family for eternity.

 

No matter what happens now, you are all going to have to deal with the consequences. You seem a little oblivious to it but I think it's mostly shell-shock from the joy/surprise at being made a wonderful grandmother in this way.

 

Babies don't tend to improve relationships. They are adorable, miraculous milky little stress balls. If the father hasn't been there for your DD during her pregnancy, I don't know what that means for the future. I don't know if he freaked out over being made a father or if he really thinks they should set up house on $10 an hour.

 

I think you're going to have to give the parents some space and wow, is that going to be hard. But there is a potential poop storm brewing around you and I'm not sure you see it because you're in it.

 

Maybe being a father will stir feelings in this boy to become a man and want to provide for his family now. Maybe he's going to hit the road next month. Who knows? If I were you, I'd sit back and watch what unfolds and work on communicating with your DD. Keep those lines open and hope that everyone involved grows to accept the awesome responsibility they have chosen.

 

I think you are a great mom, BTW. :grouphug:

[sassenach]

He does have insurance that is deducted from his paychecks every other week. His excuse for not going was, "I don't have the time".

 

I have to share with you. Dh and I were teen parents. Early in our marriage, MIL suggested (over, and over, and over) that I should get a job as a server in a resturaunt instead of the minimum wage job I was doing at the time. I refused. She drove me crazy and nagged about every. last. thing. And I just refused to even consider it. Years later I picked up a serving job and discovered that she was right, it would have paid a heck of a lot more. The thing was, I wasn't going to give her the pleasure of thinking that she could tell me what to do. I didn't care if it would make more money, I just didn't want to encourage that behavior. I have a feeling that him not going to the doctor is more about the power struggle between the 2 of you than anything else.