I'm feeling like such a bad mom right now..am I really wrong??

[RanchGirl]

Hugs to you OP, I can see why you are upset, both with your dd and grand child riding with this irresponsible young man and with the less than kind resposes you have received.

 

For what it's worth, I wouldn't be helping with things like getting his name on the bc. I think you're doing more than enough, and it might turn out to be beneficial down the road if this guy is not on the bc.

 

It sounds like your dd and her bf want your help when it's convenient for them, but they don't want to take your advice when it comes to making responsible decisions. Is your husband in the picture? Maybe he could help set some reasonable boundaries. I think you need to decide what your limits are and then find a way to try to live with it. If you are providing room and board, that doesn't mean you are their personal secretary.

 

I honestly can't fathom a mother and fathere endangering themselves and their infant like that, and dont know how you could motivate them to change their driving situation. Clearly we know what doesn't work, and that's what you've been doing so far. I am so sorry you have to deal with this worry and fear!

[Supertechmom]

I just want to address this advice in case anyone might rely on it when considering their own situations. I don't know what state servin refers to, but this approach is most definitely not the legal standard of all states. In OH, courts favor a father establishing paternity, and the process is neither expensive nor difficult. OH courts hold the view that two parents are better than one, both emotionally and financially, and neither the mother nor father needs to demonstrate fitness. In other words, an inexperienced teen father is just as capable of learning to parent as a teen mother.

 

Once a father has established paternity, he has a right to visitation (potentially joint custody). There are a number of free clinics who will help him in court, if need be. To block this, the burden will be on the mother to prove the father is "unfit". Even then, a court is likely to order supervised visits to see how things go. With all of this, there is some flexibility for a very young infant, but even breastfeeding won't prevent overnight visits after a certain period of time.

 

I agree with servin that you should speak to a lawyer licensed in your state to know what everyone's rights are. Even if you don't need the information, it may flavor your decisions.

 

 

I'm in SC and it is a very extremely strange state regarding custody an may be the only one in the union like it. The mother holds all the cards and her omission of the father on the certificate can create a legal mess that even the best attorneys can't win. It's sad and I've seen more than a few fellows get the shaft concerning their kids because of this state's crazienss. We are begining to see in the more progressive parts a small consistent change for the betterment of the dads but it's still small and not much.

 

That's why I say seek attorney. Every single state handles this differently and I give examples of mine because it's insane! At least know the laws in your area.

[snipsnsnailsx5]

I hope you see this (OP) but I'm usually a thread killer so you likely won't. lol

 

I just wanted to post that I was a young teen mom at 17, so not legally an adult yet. Not to get into a huge long post, but my parents had concerns about my boyfriend too.

 

It was really stressful for a time. I needed my mom's help but I just couldn't live in the house with her and try to learn to be a mom and an adult at the same time.

 

What really helped me was when my parents helped me to get an apartment of my own. I still needed their guidance and help, but they did just enough and then stood back to let me figure out the rest.

 

Living separately from my parents meant that I had to figure out how to make money and provide for my child myself. My boyfriend wasn't much help in that area.

So I got a minimum wage job at a local restaurant and applied for government help. That was temporary until I started to make more money.

My boyfriend did eventually show his true colors, as my parents always warned me. But I just had to figure it out on my own.

 

My point is that you need to find the balance between supporting and helping your daughter, and letting her grow up and take responsibility herself too. But don't just push her out of the nest and expect her to fly. It will take time. So I think that you are NOT a bad mom, but a GOOD mom. Its good that you are there to offer help and support. Just try to make sure that you really encourage your daughter to take responsibility before coming to you first.

And realize that the more you push on the boyfriend issue, the more she'll feel like pulling away from you. At least, I remember how I was in that situation. At its worst, the final point came to my mom giving me an ultimatim...my parents or my boyfriend. My boyfriend offered to take me away, marry me, and have his family be my new family basically.

I chose my parents. And I'm so glad I had the sense of mind to make that decision. It was the best one I made during that time. (If I told you the whole long story of why, you'd all understand lol).

 

I know I'm rambling, I guess I just hoped my story would help somehow.

 

You've gotten a lot of good advice. Its just about finding a balance. The driving issue is a pretty big issue. But putting a curfew of 8pm on them may be a bit much. Although of course I understand where you are coming from, and as a parent, I'd totally want to do that too. Just keep talking to your daughter about the dangers and hopefully she'll keep putting the bug in her boyfriend's ear as well.

 

:grouphug:

[Sputterduck]

This is such a toughie, and I feel for you.

 

First, I would try to be as supportive as possible, because it looks as if they are about to do a lot of things without your approval. I would offer to drive them places if I could when the baby is with them.

 

I highly disapprove of non-parental authority UNLESS a child is in danger; your grandchild is.

 

Not much could stop me from engaging an attorney to help me file for emergency custody (or at least explore more peaceful legal alternatives) until the father's situation was remedied. Is this going to win you face time with the grandchild in the event the judge thinks you're a loon and dismisses your concerns? Nope. But it could save your grandchild's life if the judge is sympathetic.

 

The second option obviously isn't supportive. I'm just brainstorming because I understand how distressing it would be to fear for your grandchild's life. Your daughter? Eh, not so much. She's 18 and fully charged with caring for her own life.

 

If someone tried to take custody of my child, they would never, ever see my child again.

[silliness7]

I don't see a need for an attorney at this time. I have suggested child support to my DD, but she doesn't even see the point in taking any money from her boyfriend for the baby so it's difficult. I'm letting her make her own decision with regard to that. They are still "together" so, unless things change, that won't be talked about anymore. There really isn't any fighting going on. My only thing is allowing her and a newborn to be in the car at nighttime with him when there is more of a chance of him falling asleep behind the wheel and risking someone else's life other than his own.

 

Your dd can be a co-pilot without a license. Doesn't she care enough about the issue to keep her eye on him and make sure he doesn't fall asleep when they are out at night? You can bet your bottom dollar that I have my eagel eye on my dh and he's not a dozer. He just gets a leeeettle too close to the car in front of him and doesn't see break lights. :glare: Yes, it drives him bananas. It's either that, or let me drive. I realize she doesn't have that option yet, but agreeing with others that she needs to learn to drive ASAP!