I'm feeling like such a bad mom right now..am I really wrong??

[Peela]

I think you need to let go of the power struggle and let go of the control, and let your dd grow up and also to make mistakes. It's one thing to tell her how you feel, it's another to control her, at that age.

Whether its true or not, your original post hints that you might still be treating your daughter as a child and wanting the sort of control over her you had when she was younger. IMO, at 18, and with baby, she needs to be treated as an adult and while it may be appropriate to strongly tell her how you feel....if you dont back off and let her then make her own decisions, she won't get strong.

It doesn't seem appropriate, to me, to be telling her she can't drive with him. You can offer to drive, beg, implore, try to get the bf to see a doctor, but not lay an ultimatum- you are stopping her from growing up and taking hold of her own life.

I go through the teenager in someone else's car issue regularly. Its hard, I know- mine are younger- but I do allow them i other people's cars regularly because of various reasons. Its nerve-racking and I wait for them to get home with baited breath. But...I think it is part of being a parent to let go. A hard part.

:grouphug:

[Danestress]

that actually would be a good idea for your daughter's sake and the baby's. Once things like this come up, you will inevitably get very very bad legal advice from people on this board - or anywhere on the internet. It's so helpful to see an attorney in your jurisdiction who knows what the laws there are, and there are so many issues that you may need to discuss. Is your daughter getting child support?

 

It's not a judgment on the relationship to see an attorney. I know a lot of people feel like seeing an attorney is the equivalent of putting on the fighting gloves, but it doesn't have to be. You want to do what you can to protect this baby, and getting some good advice on how to do that is best done early so you avoid mistakes and protect his interests and your own, and your daughter's.

[parias1126]

that actually would be a good idea for your daughter's sake and the baby's. Once things like this come up, you will inevitably get very very bad legal advice from people on this board - or anywhere on the internet. It's so helpful to see an attorney in your jurisdiction who knows what the laws there are, and there are so many issues that you may need to discuss. Is your daughter getting child support?

 

It's not a judgment on the relationship to see an attorney. I know a lot of people feel like seeing an attorney is the equivalent of putting on the fighting gloves, but it doesn't have to be. You want to do what you can to protect this baby, and getting some good advice on how to do that is best done early so you avoid mistakes and protect his interests and your own, and your daughter's.

 

I don't see a need for an attorney at this time. I have suggested child support to my DD, but she doesn't even see the point in taking any money from her boyfriend for the baby so it's difficult. I'm letting her make her own decision with regard to that. They are still "together" so, unless things change, that won't be talked about anymore. There really isn't any fighting going on. My only thing is allowing her and a newborn to be in the car at nighttime with him when there is more of a chance of him falling asleep behind the wheel and risking someone else's life other than his own.

[5kidsforME]

Please tell me the truth! I can take it! I really mean it! Just give it to me! It WILL NOT hurt my feelings if I am wrong in this situation.

 

Hmmm...I can go on and on and on about so many things.

 

 

. My only thing is allowing her and a newborn to be in the car at nighttime with him when there is more of a chance of him falling asleep behind the wheel and risking someone else's life other than his own.

 

 

:confused:

[parias1126]

I think you need to let go of the power struggle and let go of the control, and let your dd grow up and also to make mistakes. It's one thing to tell her how you feel, it's another to control her, at that age.

Whether its true or not, your original post hints that you might still be treating your daughter as a child and wanting the sort of control over her you had when she was younger. IMO, at 18, and with baby, she needs to be treated as an adult and while it may be appropriate to strongly tell her how you feel....if you dont back off and let her then make her own decisions, she won't get strong.

It doesn't seem appropriate, to me, to be telling her she can't drive with him. You can offer to drive, beg, implore, try to get the bf to see a doctor, but not lay an ultimatum- you are stopping her from growing up and taking hold of her own life.

I go through the teenager in someone else's car issue regularly. Its hard, I know- mine are younger- but I do allow them i other people's cars regularly because of various reasons. Its nerve-racking and I wait for them to get home with baited breath. But...I think it is part of being a parent to let go. A hard part.

:grouphug:

 

It's honestly not that I'm trying to control her. All her friends drive. She goes in the car with all of them all the time. She does have one friend who is a very wreckless driver and she has made the decision on her own to not go anywhere with this friend anymore. I'm honestly not trying to control her by making the one rule that she can't be in the car with her boyfriend after it gets dark when it would be easier for him to fall asleep behind the wheel again. My DH has sleep apnea and so does my dad. It's extremely dangerous and I have SEEN what can happen. My DH flipped an 18-wheeler years ago before he knew there was a such thing as sleep apnea. That is not the only time my DH has fallen asleep behind the wheel because of it. My father went to the doc for a diagnosis and the doctor tool his car keys and would nit allow him to drive home because he has a extreme case of it.

 

I'm not sure some of you realize how dangerous it is and that sleep disorders are a real thing. :confused:Maybe because I have lived it with loved ones is the reason I'm being so over-protective in this situation.

[Carrie12345]

It's honestly not that I'm trying to control her.

 

Yes, you are. For completely understandable reasons. You are trying to force her into doing what you feel is safe and right. Nobody can blame you for *wanting* that.

 

But she is 18 and it is her baby.

[arghmatey]

This is such a toughie, and I feel for you.

 

First, I would try to be as supportive as possible, because it looks as if they are about to do a lot of things without your approval. I would offer to drive them places if I could when the baby is with them.

 

I highly disapprove of non-parental authority UNLESS a child is in danger; your grandchild is.

 

Not much could stop me from engaging an attorney to help me file for emergency custody (or at least explore more peaceful legal alternatives) until the father's situation was remedied. Is this going to win you face time with the grandchild in the event the judge thinks you're a loon and dismisses your concerns? Nope. But it could save your grandchild's life if the judge is sympathetic.

 

The second option obviously isn't supportive. I'm just brainstorming because I understand how distressing it would be to fear for your grandchild's life. Your daughter? Eh, not so much. She's 18 and fully charged with caring for her own life.

[Mary in VA]

Was there any police involvement when he ran his car into the tree? What did the police report, if there was one, say was the cause? What did his insurance company do? I fear for your dd, gs, the boyfriend AND other people on the road! What if he fell asleep and ran into an oncoming car with a family in it?! I would think the DMV and his insurance company would be very concerned about the situation. I really don't know how you could approach him about it, since he probably won't listen, but the fact he could lose his license and/or insurance as an impaired driver might move him to do something. Can you share your concern with his parents? Could they get him to get tested?

 

Mary

[AnnaM]

Didnt read through all of the responses so sorry if this is a repeat but she is living under your roof. As long as she is there she should obey your rules. Sounds like she wants to play grown up when it is conveinent, but yet come home to you. As long as she is under your roof, especially rent free, you have every right to control her.

 

I guess it depends on how important her staying with you is. I personally would not budge on the rules. Sometimes they have to learn the hard way, sigh.

[Mrs Mungo]

I can see both sides of this issue. She is 18, she has a baby, she is a legal adult. Her boyfriend is a legal adult. They have made some bad decisions and you see them continuing to make bad decisions. As a parent, that hurts. As someone *supporting* mom and baby it seems reasonable to have some house rules.

 

I don't see a need for an attorney at this time. I have suggested child support to my DD, but she doesn't even see the point in taking any money from her boyfriend for the baby so it's difficult. I'm letting her make her own decision with regard to that.

 

He just posted on facebook asking about cheap apartments. They are indulging in a fantasy that they can make it as a family on his pay. An attorney is an excellent idea at this point. Even if you don't wind up pursuing child support, your dd should be aware of how much support she *should* be getting, what kind of rules for visitation *could* be laid down, etc. I don't think either of you are facing the reality of the situation-he is the dad.

 

They are still "together" so, unless things change, that won't be talked about anymore. There really isn't any fighting going on. My only thing is allowing her and a newborn to be in the car at nighttime with him when there is more of a chance of him falling asleep behind the wheel and risking someone else's life other than his own.

The best, easiest solution is that she get her license and drive herself.

 

I also agree with those who suggest getting to know his parents better. They might be good allies in this situation.

Edited May 11, 2011 by Mrs Mungo

[SailorMom]

Uh - did I miss something? Is there a reason she can't drive when she's with him?

 

She's 18, and I agree that if you push too hard, you will loose the battle - so walk the fine line there. Better to at least stay in an advosory role with a daughter that is open to listening - rather than angry and shutting you out.

 

Instead of badgering him, you need to have a long talk with your daughter about ALL the concerns you have about the sleep issue. Bring in the safety of her baby (not her) and maybe she'll start badgering the guy herself. But - only do this once. There is no reason to keep at it.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I don't have time to read all 7 pages right now, but I want to say that as hard as it is, you will have to let your daughter make some of her own mistakes. Being overbearing will only push her farther away from you.

 

Let her feel out her own way and she will realize what a bum this young man is and will come running back to you on her own. But you have to let HER figure it out, you can't figure it out for her. It just won't work.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I KNOW it's hard. Kiss that precious grand-baby for us. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[parias1126]

Was there any police involvement when he ran his car into the tree? What did the police report, if there was one, say was the cause? What did his insurance company do? I fear for your dd, gs, the boyfriend AND other people on the road! What if he fell asleep and ran into an oncoming car with a family in it?! I would think the DMV and his insurance company would be very concerned about the situation. I really don't know how you could approach him about it, since he probably won't listen, but the fact he could lose his license and/or insurance as an impaired driver might move him to do something. Can you share your concern with his parents? Could they get him to get tested?

 

Mary

 

 

 

No police report and no police involved whatsoever. He just left the seen and drove the car the rest of the way home. His story to the insurance company was it was dark and he couldn't see. I think he also used the weather as an excuse as it drizzled earlier that afternoon.

[Cheryl in NM]

I'm not sure some of you realize how dangerous it is and that sleep disorders are a real thing. :confused:Maybe because I have lived it with loved ones is the reason I'm being so over-protective in this situation.

 

So then you ARE aware that it is just as dangerous to drive with him during the day as it is at night. At least, that's my dr. told me when he diagnosed me with sleep apnea. Just because bf crashed at night doesn't mean that it's the only time he will sleep behind the wheel. I know that's not the case for me.

[Paige]

I understand your concerns but since she is an adult, you are in a really tricky situation. Sure, you can tell her if she's living in your house then she has to live by your rules, but do you really want to go there? She may very well take that baby and live somewhere else and not come back.

[parias1126]

So then you ARE aware that it is just as dangerous to drive with him during the day as it is at night. At least, that's my dr. told me when he diagnosed me with sleep apnea. Just because bf crashed at night doesn't mean that it's the only time he will sleep behind the wheel. I know that's not the case for me.

Yep, I do realize this COMPLETELY! I'm just done battling it with my DD so I gave in. Just hoping she realizes it soon. You would think having a dad and grandfather with sleep apnea, she would get it. At 18, this is her last concern though.

[fairfarmhand]

 

Let her feel out her own way and she will realize what a bum this young man is and will come running back to you on her own. But you have to let HER figure it out, you can't figure it out for her. It just won't work.

 

 

:iagree:

[parias1126]

I understand your concerns but since she is an adult, you are in a really tricky situation. Sure, you can tell her if she's living in your house then she has to live by your rules, but do you really want to go there? She may very well take that baby and live somewhere else and not come back.

If she really wants to move out, then so be it. She is 18 and can do that if she needs, but while she lives under my roof, I clothe her and the baby, feed her and pay for her bills, I don't see why she can't follow that one simple rule. I mean, who needs to be out driving around with a newborn after 8 p.m. anyway?

[Cheryl in NM]

Yep, I do realize this COMPLETELY! I'm just done battling it with my DD so I gave in. Just hoping she realizes it soon. You would think having a dad and grandfather with sleep apnea, she would get it. At 18, this is her last concern though.

 

You are a GREAT mom who loves your daughter and grandson!

 

That being said, maybe you should re-think your position to make night-time driving your hill to die on. It could cost you your relationship with your daughter and grandson. I say this because you gave in on the daytime driving, which you admit is as dangerous as the night-time driving, but then don't give in on the night-time driving. No wonder your dd and her bf think the rule is because you *hate* him! Can you see that? In your mind, you are compromising, but in reality, if it's just as dangerous, there must be another reason. I'm not trying to be hard on you, just using my experience with a strong willed child as a guide in my advice to you.f

 

You know and I know that your motive is love and concern, but those invincible teenagers don't know that!

 

:grouphug: Good luck to you!

[mom2l&j]

If she really wants to move out, then so be it. She is 18 and can do that if she needs, but while she lives under my roof, I clothe her and the baby, feed her and pay for her bills, I don't see why she can't follow that one simple rule. I mean, who needs to be out driving around with a newborn after 8 p.m. anyway?

 

 

I don't mean any offense by this post, so I hope you don't take any. Also, I'm sure there's much more to this that this thread.

 

I think that you are using your support of her and the baby as a means of control. I'm sure you're not consciously doing this, but this last comment you made kind of gives it away.

 

You are a great mother! You want to protect your daughter and your grandson. Since she is living under your roof you have every right to give her a curfew of 8 PM. Your argument of the boyfriend not being a safe driver is somewhat diluted by the fact that she is "allowed" to ride with him during the day. Does she feel her boyfriend is an unsafe driver? Does she think he needs to see the Dr. about a sleep disorder?

 

I think you need to make a shift in your thinking. You need to help her evaluate the pros and cons of the decisions she makes. She is now a mother. How would she feel if her child were in the same position? Is it most important for her to make decisions to make other people happy or for the safety of her child?

 

I think you need to work on your daughter gaining independence. She needs help now, absolutely. Ultimately she needs to be the one with a plan on how to take care of the baby if she isn't going to insist on support from her boyfriend. She either needs to get her license or figure out public transport.

 

You are in a tough situation! Ugh...I don't look forward to the days when I'll have to deal with my kids dating.

[EJCMom]

My response to this situation is more general, then specific.

 

Around the time I turned 18 my parents slowly backed off on the "if you're living under my roof you will follow my rules" line, and instead started offering their opinion and the reasons for it on whatever situation I was in, and then backed off and let me make my own decisions. I don't recall ever hearing, "I told you so," when I didn't take their advice and it turned out badly. They just supported my decisions and bit their tongues when they didn't agree. Because of that, by the time I was 20 I was asking them for advice and would actually take it to heart when they would give it to me.

 

You aren't a bad mother. As someone who has sleep apnea myself, I completely understand where you are coming from, and I understand your worry. I just want to point out that you *may* win this battle, but it could cost you the war. Were I in your shoes, I would give her some information (like articles or something like that -- that way it's from a neutral source and not from the "nagging" mom) that she could share with her boyfriend, and then I would back off and pray. :grouphug:

 

Congratulations on your grandbaby.

[AuntieM]

I don't see a need for an attorney at this time. I have suggested child support to my DD, but she doesn't even see the point in taking any money from her boyfriend for the baby so it's difficult.

 

This really isn't about whether or not your dd needs the money. It's about establishing a pattern of responsibility for the new father. He is demanding his privileges, he needs to pony up on the responsibility end as well. You're not doing him any favors by giving him a pass on this. On the contrary, he needs the reality check. You seem to feel it is an unrelated issue, but I personally think none of these things are truly separate. It's all about responsibility and privilege, in/dependence and control. You want all those things to work together in a healthy balance.

 

I can see both sides of this issue. She is 18, she has a baby, she is a legal adult. Her boyfriend is a legal adult. They have made some bad decisions and you see them continuing to make bad decisions. As a parent, that hurts. As someone *supporting* mom and baby it seems reasonable to have some house rules.

 

He just posted on facebook asking about cheap apartments. They are indulging in a fantasy that they can make it as a family on his pay. An attorney is an excellent idea at this point. Even if you don't wind up pursuing child support, your dd should be aware of how much support she *should* be getting, what kind of rules for visitation *could* be laid down, etc. I don't think either of you are facing the reality of the situation-he is the dad.

 

The best, easiest solution is that she get her license and drive herself.

 

I also agree with those who suggest getting to know his parents better. They might be good allies in this situation.

 

 

As usual, Mrs M speaks with a voice of reason. :iagree:

 

 

Just curious... how long *do* you expect your dd to continue to live with you? Do you envision a time when she *will* move out and take responsibility for her own life (including driving)? I know that there are many different schools of thought on this, but, I ask (gently!), is she prepared to be a single mother, without him and without you, should such a circumstance ever arise?

 

You are NOT a bad mother. You obviously love your daughter very much. Sometimes I wonder how I will handle things when my kids reach 18, and maybe don't make the wisest decisions. I think I might have a hard time of it. :glare:

[Mrs Mungo]

Just curious... how long *do* you expect your dd to continue to live with you? Do you envision a time when she *will* move out and take responsibility for her own life (including driving)? I know that there are many different schools of thought on this, but, I ask (gently!), is she prepared to be a single mother, without him and without you, should such a circumstance ever arise?

 

This is a good question. Has your dd ever had a job? Has she finished high school? Is she going to college? Does she have a plan of any sort?

 

Having *goals* will help clarify how her actions will impact those goals. She already has a harder road now that she has a baby to take care of. What is she doing to meet her goals? To become an independent adult?

 

What decisions is she making now to meet those goals? For example, are they using birth control now? Many young women have a rapid return to fertility after pregnancy.

 

You might start her on a reading list with books such as "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" and "What Color is Your Parachute? For Teens."

[Danestress]

If nothing else, your daughter needs to hear what child support would look like. Every state is different, but most states have guidelines. An attorney could enter in a little information about their relative incomes and give her really helpful information about what a judge might order him to pay. Even if she chooses not to do that, knowledge is power.

 

Further, the child may be eligible for his health insurance, since you said he has it. She may need to take whatever action is necessary to make that possible. Or is the child is eligible to be on your family insurance? I doubt it because your daughter is 18. I am not sure her child would qualify, though she would. So that would leave medicaid, but if the state is paying medical costs, the state WILL go after the Dad for child support. See? Lots of things an attorney might tell her and help her make good decisions about.

 

Even more, I would want her to think about her long term situation. I would want her to hear whether she would look bad in child custody case (pray that won't happen, of course, but IF) when she can't drive and doesn't work. What steps can she take to protect herself as Mom? Will she be in a stronger position if she continues to live with you and to allow you to offer all the physical and financial help a baby needs? Will that stability be the major factor in her favor if, God forbid, there is a dispute? (I would want her to hear this early on so she could keep that in mind)

 

Would it hurt her case if she let him drive the baby, knowing he had a medical problem that makes that dangerous? Would it hurt her if he can show that she/her family threw up roadblocks to letting him/his family have time with the baby? Or is it better to limit their time so that later you can say, "Oh, they don't really see the baby, he's more comfortable with us?" Are there things she should be documenting? Would it help if you kept track of everything you are spending on the baby now? Would it help to keep a diary of how much time he spends with the baby? Should she file a petition to establish paternity? Might she have reasons to want to not do that? Should she do what she needs to in order to get him on the birth certificate? Should she delay that?

 

If she were my daughter, even though I might like the boy, I would want to think very smartly about how to handle things so that I would protect her best as a primary caregiver. I know some really sweet Moms who have been shocked to find that they have to share very young children with their unmarried Dads almost 50/50. While I am all for Dad being involved and would pray that he could be a real Dad to this child, I would definitely be thinking about what might happen if the relationship goes south.

[AngelBee]

:grouphug:

[Margaret in GA]

I will echo the other responders who think you should encourage her to get a license. This is one really important parenting job you have left. Make sure she studies, and insist upon taking that test. It is the biggest step toward independence for her. :grouphug:

[parias1126]

If nothing else, your daughter needs to hear what child support would look like. Every state is different, but most states have guidelines. An attorney could enter in a little information about their relative incomes and give her really helpful information about what a judge might order him to pay. Even if she chooses not to do that, knowledge is power.

 

Further, the child may be eligible for his health insurance, since you said he has it. She may need to take whatever action is necessary to make that possible. Or is the child is eligible to be on your family insurance? I doubt it because your daughter is 18. I am not sure her child would qualify, though she would. So that would leave medicaid, but if the state is paying medical costs, the state WILL go after the Dad for child support. See? Lots of things an attorney might tell her and help her make good decisions about.

 

Even more, I would want her to think about her long term situation. I would want her to hear whether she would look bad in child custody case (pray that won't happen, of course, but IF) when she can't drive and doesn't work. What steps can she take to protect herself as Mom? Will she be in a stronger position if she continues to live with you and to allow you to offer all the physical and financial help a baby needs? Will that stability be the major factor in her favor if, God forbid, there is a dispute? (I would want her to hear this early on so she could keep that in mind)

 

Would it hurt her case if she let him drive the baby, knowing he had a medical problem that makes that dangerous? Would it hurt her if he can show that she/her family threw up roadblocks to letting him/his family have time with the baby? Or is it better to limit their time so that later you can say, "Oh, they don't really see the baby, he's more comfortable with us?" Are there things she should be documenting? Would it help if you kept track of everything you are spending on the baby now? Would it help to keep a diary of how much time he spends with the baby? Should she file a petition to establish paternity? Might she have reasons to want to not do that? Should she do what she needs to in order to get him on the birth certificate? Should she delay that?

 

If she were my daughter, even though I might like the boy, I would want to think very smartly about how to handle things so that I would protect her best as a primary caregiver. I know some really sweet Moms who have been shocked to find that they have to share very young children with their unmarried Dads almost 50/50. While I am all for Dad being involved and would pray that he could be a real Dad to this child, I would definitely be thinking about what might happen if the relationship goes south.

You have brought up so many good points. Thank you for this post.

[parias1126]

I will echo the other responders who think you should encourage her to get a license. This is one really important parenting job you have left. Make sure she studies, and insist upon taking that test. It is the biggest step toward independence for her. :grouphug:

She actually just went and renewed her restricted license so he can can practice driving more. She can now drive at night so she can drive him at night time if need be, but I honestly doubt that he will let her drive his car. :001_smile:

[Cheryl in NM]

OP, I understand your dilemma and sympathize with you. I know you love your dd and gs and I know you want what's best. I mean everything I say below in the best possible light and am taking you at your word that you want constructive criticism and won't be hurt.

 

1. Sleep apnea - The bf has not been diagnosed, OP just ASSUMES, based on her personal experience that he has apnea. People can snore and NOT have apnea. He could be exhausted from working and the other activities in his life.

2. I don't agree with the others recommending a lawyer and encouraging child support. The man is involved in his child's life and would like to be more involved, but the OP has been a roadblock. They have chosen to not "shack up" but he is very much involved and willing to be more so. Asking child support of him would be insulting; it would be like asking your husband for child support. He is the baby's father and is looking for an apartment for them to live as a family, thus shacking up, but at least taking care of his family. Right now he has a job and lives at home. That means he has money for diapers, clothes and formula/baby food, etc. He probably has no idea what this baby requires. Let him know. Let him and the baby's mother spend some time together, alone, to learn how to parent that baby. That's how most of us did it. You have to find your own grove with your child and can't do it with a hovering grandparent. I'm not suggesting OP back out of their lives. Just allow the contact.

 

It sounds like there are serious differences in the family dynamics of the OP's family and bf's family. That doesn't make OP right and bf wrong. It makes them different. This young man needs to be very involved and that involvement should not be discouraged. As for the smoking, I won't even address that except to say that many of us were raised in smoking homes and we didn't all die of SIDS and don't all have respiratory problems.

 

Bf needs to be taught what this baby needs. It sounds like he is totally willing to do what it takes to keep his family together. Help him, don't hinder him. Trust your daughter to make decisions; she decided not to ride with the friend who didn't drive safely. If she felt it was dangerous to ride with bf I don't think she would. If OP can notice that bf is falling asleep behind the wheel then her daughter can notice it and help bf stay awake.

[parias1126]

2. I don't agree with the others recommending a lawyer and encouraging child support. The man is involved in his child's life and would like to be more involved, but the OP has been a roadblock. They have chosen to not "shack up" but he is very much involved and willing to be more so. Asking child support of him would be insulting; it would be like asking your husband for child support. He is the baby's father and is looking for an apartment for them to live as a family, thus shacking up, but at least taking care of his family. Right now he has a job and lives at home. That means he has money for diapers, clothes and formula/baby food, etc. He probably has no idea what this baby requires. Let him know. Let him and the baby's mother spend some time together, alone, to learn how to parent that baby. That's how most of us did it. You have to find your own grove with your child and can't do it with a hovering grandparent. I'm not suggesting OP back out of their lives. Just allow the contact.

Who said that I wasn't allowing him contact with his child? He is actually over here right now with his child and taking him in a couple hours to see his family. I would not get involved in the child support issue because it is not mine to get involved with. That is up to my daughter. Yes, some people made some good points with regard to speaking to an attorney, but that is the last thing on my mind. I am not trying to keep the baby's father from him AT ALL! I spent my morning trying to get the info for him to go to the courthouse today and get his name on the birth certificate because neither of them knew where they needed to go or who they needed to speak to. I have done nothing but encourage him to be in his son's life. My REAL concern is only the one I am most worried about and that is that he MIGHT or COULD have sleep apnea. I never said he did. I said had discussed with my DD 4 months ago that he go and just get checked. I am beginning to wish I had never posted anything with regard to this situation on a public forum....lesson learned :)

[justamouse]

I am beginning to wish I had never posted anything with regard to this situation on a public forum....lesson learned :)

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

yeah, it gets like that sometimes.

[Diane in CO]

I am beginning to wish I had never posted anything with regard to this situation on a public forum....lesson learned :)

 

I find that it is best to take the advice that is helpful and leave the rest behind. :grouphug: to you!

 

Diane

[Cheryl in NM]

Who said that I wasn't allowing him contact with his child? He is actually over here right now with his child and taking him in a couple hours to see his family. I would not get involved in the child support issue because it is not mine to get involved with. That is up to my daughter. Yes, some people made some good points with regard to speaking to an attorney, but that is the last thing on my mind. I am not trying to keep the baby's father from him AT ALL! I spent my morning trying to get the info for him to go to the courthouse today and get his name on the birth certificate because neither of them knew where they needed to go or who they needed to speak to. I have done nothing but encourage him to be in his son's life. My REAL concern is only the one I am most worried about and that is that he MIGHT or COULD have sleep apnea. I never said he did. I said had discussed with my DD 4 months ago that he go and just get checked. I am beginning to wish I had never posted anything with regard to this situation on a public forum....lesson learned :)

 

WHOA, look at the top of my post, where I said, I was gently offering advice that you requested and promised not to be upset by.

 

Not allowing your adult daughter to go with him to visit his family after dark and not being willing to host them in your home or drive them to visit his family is standing in the way of him seeing his child in the manner in which he wishes to see his child. I understand your concern about the driving issue, but your dd is perfectly capable of keeping him awake just as you have done in the past.

 

You've presented a dual picture of your relationship with bf. On one hand you say him and your dd think you hate him and don't want him around. On the other hand you say the you talk to him and joke around with him. I am guessing by your post above that you have a somewhat good relationship with him, but in the heat of posting upset presenting the relationship to be worse than it was. We all do that, but don't blame us in cyber world when it takes us a while to see the reality.

 

I know you care and you are doing what you can to help, but can you be honest enough with yourself to see where you are standing in the way as well? It's not an all or nothing solution. These are adults, they need help, but don't need you to do it for them. You've spent YOU'RE WHOLE MORNING gathering the info he needs to get HIS name the birth certificate of HIS child. Really? Shouldn't he be doing that? I would have given him the phone number and offered him the use of my phone and been available to answer any questions he might have while on the phone. That's the difference between helping and do it for them. I had to learn this from experience. Please know that I'm not criticizing you; just pointing out how to help this family in the future.

 

You said you wouldn't get upset at what we said. Most of us have been very supportive, but offering a different viewpoint from yours. We can be objective, where it would be extremely difficult for you. I'm sorry if you feel bad. You are in an extremely difficult situation. Asking for and accepting help is also what you are trying to teach this young family.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I mean only the best, I'm sorry if I've offended you.

[Mejane]

No, you're not wrong, but you also can't tell them anything. They know everything, don'tcha know? ;) I have an 18yo. I know. :grouphug:

[NanceXToo]

:grouphug:

 

I really, really feel for you. You're kind of in a Catch-22. On the one hand, it's not necessarily feasible or reasonable (in most situations) to try to tell an 18 year old "adult" what they can and can't do. (Sure she's living under your roof and you can play that card but you have to balance if/when you should do that with whether it will just cause long term relationship problems between you, or her rushing to move out, etc).

 

And on the other hand, this is definitely a HUGE issue/concern, that this guy could just randomly fall asleep while he's driving your daughter and their newborn baby around. How extremely nerve-wracking, I would be so worried every time they left the house.

 

Unfortunately, I think that all you can do is tell your daughter something like, "You're an adult, and I know I can't tell you what to do. I also want us to keep having a good relationship, so I don't want to put barriers between us. So this will be the last I'm going to say on the subject and then I just hope that the two of you do the right thing. As a mom, you have to put YOUR baby first now. I know you would never be able to live with yourself if he got into an accident while he was driving this baby around, and you lost your child. So I REALLY hope that you will talk to him on your own and about getting checked for some sort of sleep disorder and/or use your good judgment as to if or when he should be driving you guys around. I would hate for something to happen to any of you. I'm only saying this because I care about you all, not because I want to control you."

 

And then you probably just have to let it go and let them make their own decisions.

[parias1126]

WHOA, look at the top of my post, where I said, I was gently offering advice that you requested and promised not to be upset by.

 

Not allowing your adult daughter to go with him to visit his family after dark and not being willing to host them in your home or drive them to visit his family is standing in the way of him seeing his child in the manner in which he wishes to see his child. I understand your concern about the driving issue, but your dd is perfectly capable of keeping him awake just as you have done in the past.

 

You've presented a dual picture of your relationship with bf. On one hand you say him and your dd think you hate him and don't want him around. On the other hand you say the you talk to him and joke around with him. I am guessing by your post above that you have a somewhat good relationship with him, but in the heat of posting upset presenting the relationship to be worse than it was. We all do that, but don't blame us in cyber world when it takes us a while to see the reality.

 

I know you care and you are doing what you can to help, but can you be honest enough with yourself to see where you are standing in the way as well? It's not an all or nothing solution. These are adults, they need help, but don't need you to do it for them. You've spent YOU'RE WHOLE MORNING gathering the info he needs to get HIS name the birth certificate of HIS child. Really? Shouldn't he be doing that? I would have given him the phone number and offered him the use of my phone and been available to answer any questions he might have while on the phone. That's the difference between helping and do it for them. I had to learn this from experience. Please know that I'm not criticizing you; just pointing out how to help this family in the future.

 

You said you wouldn't get upset at what we said. Most of us have been very supportive, but offering a different viewpoint from yours. We can be objective, where it would be extremely difficult for you. I'm sorry if you feel bad. You are in an extremely difficult situation. Asking for and accepting help is also what you are trying to teach this young family.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I mean only the best, I'm sorry if I've offended you.

 

Firstly, I never said my WHOLE morning. It took me about 20 minutes or so since my area isn't too friendly with listing the appropriate information in google searches or on their website. I was locating the phone number for him and the address. His power got turned off from a storm and I was DOING HIM A FAVOR. I also NEVER said that I wouldn't drive them where he needed to go or have his family in my home to see the baby. I have offered BOTH. Also, when did I say him and my DD think I hate him? I don't usually use words such as "hate" since it's such a strong word. If I did say this, it must had been when I posted yesterday and was upset, but I don't have time to go back and read 7 pages of posts.

 

I said I wouldn't get upset with someone telling me I was wrong. I am getting upset because you are changing my words around, adding words where I never put them, or saying I said things that I never said. :confused:

[Guest]

...As for the smoking, I won't even address that except to say that many of us were raised in smoking homes and we didn't all die of SIDS and don't all have respiratory problems...

 

This is a faulty argument/poor stance to take because many babies who were in homes where people smoked have died from SIDS or had respiratory problems related to the smoking.

 

I think the OP should show her dd medical information that pertains to smoking and SIDS (including the smoke that is on a person's clothing). Her dd will probably not want to risk it. She could present the information (to dd and possibly dd's bf) in a non-confrontational way, and say she just wants them to be informed, but the final decision is up to them.

 

ETA: If dd and by agree, but are afraid to ask family members to not smoke around the baby or to change clothes, tell them that we all have to face uncomfortable situations for our children, but as parents, we are the ones responsible for protecting them, regardless.

Edited May 11, 2011 by Jinnah

[AuntieM]

Oh, honey... I'm sorry if I hurt you. :grouphug:

 

I tried to share my perspective from my heart... I am sorry if that came across as harsh or critical.

 

OP, I think for many of us, our response to your post could not be unemotional, because we are all mamas, too! I know my mind went right to imagining my own dd under those circumstances.

 

Don't pay attention to this peanut gallery, with the exception of what is truly helpful to you. :grouphug:

[Jennifer3141]

I spent my morning trying to get the info for him to go to the courthouse today and get his name on the birth certificate because neither of them knew where they needed to go or who they needed to speak to. I have done nothing but encourage him to be in his son's life. My REAL concern is only the one I am most worried about and that is that he MIGHT or COULD have sleep apnea. I never said he did. I said had discussed with my DD 4 months ago that he go and just get checked. I am beginning to wish I had never posted anything with regard to this situation on a public forum....lesson learned :)

 

I see a big problem right here. Why was it YOU doing this? This is his baby. If he wants to be legally acknowledged as the father, then he (and your DD if she wants it as well) should be doing it. I presume the boy is literate. He is now a FATHER. If you make this all so easy for him by being the sole provider, getting all the paperwork together, etc. etc. you are not enabling either of thse kids to grow up. And it's time. This baby deserves mature parents.

 

You have small children of your own, Pari. I think you need to concentrate on taking care of your life and let these kids figure out their own. You're doing too much and I am worried you are either going to burn out trying to live your own life while micromanaging now three others or you're going to drive the less than totally responsible kids from the one safe place they have this baby in.

[parias1126]

I see a big problem right here. Why was it YOU doing this? This is his baby. If he wants to be legally acknowledged as the father, then he (and your DD if she wants it as well) should be doing it. I presume the boy is literate. He is now a FATHER. If you make this all so easy for him by being the sole provider, getting all the paperwork together, etc. etc. you are not enabling either of thse kids to grow up. And it's time. This baby deserves mature parents.

 

You have small children of your own, Pari. I think you need to concentrate on taking care of your life and let these kids figure out their own. You're doing too much and I am worried you are either going to burn out trying to live your own life while micromanaging now three others or you're going to drive the less than totally responsible kids from the one safe place they have this baby in.

 

If you read a prior post you wil see that I only got him a phone number and address because his power was out at home.

[Jennifer3141]

<<I spent my morning trying to get the info for him to go to the courthouse today and get his name on the birth certificate because neither of them knew where they needed to go or who they needed to speak to.>>

 

Your words, Parias. Power outages happen. Why did they need you to step in?

[5kidsforME]

<<I spent my morning trying to get the info for him to go to the courthouse today and get his name on the birth certificate because neither of them knew where they needed to go or who they needed to speak to.>>

 

Your words, Parias. Power outages happen. Why did they need you to step in?

 

This is one of many conflicting statements.

[Supertechmom]

I'm not pushing an attorney for child support. I'm pushing the fact that you may have no idea what happens to an infant of an unwed mother living at home with no father on the birth certificate in *YOUR STATE* if something happens to your daughter? What happens legally? That question would be burning a hole in my mind.

[5kidsforME]

This sounds really hostile - do you mean it to?

 

I don't think it is fair to grill the OP on the details of her posts... she has a 5 day old grandbaby & a lot of stress and worry. I know that when my little guy was 5 days old, 20 minutes *felt* like my whole morning sometimes! :)

 

I also think that making a big deal out of a specific instance isn't necessarily constructive - giving the feedback that you think these young adults could, and should, be handling more of their life is one thing, giving her a hard time for helping more than you think reasonable in a specific instance is really another...

 

I am grateful that the adults in my life, parents, in laws, community members, etc were less rigid with me than some of you seem to be advocating. I got help with things I could have done myself sometimes... and it was a gift.. .and one I pay forward with the young adults in my life.

 

As you can see from my post above, I strongly value the autonomy and independence of young adults, but I think tempering that with an (asked for or otherwise appreciated) helping hand here and there is an act of love and isn't going to cause any harm.

 

Have you read all of the posts? The op hasgotten a ton of good advice. Her details keepchanging and she is extremely defensive. AND She started her post off asking for help. :confused:

[Cheryl in NM]

Firstly, I never said my WHOLE morning.

 

I spent my morning trying to get the info for him to go to the courthouse today and get his name on the birth certificate

from post #81

 

It took me about 20 minutes or so since my area isn't too friendly with listing the appropriate information in google searches or on their website. I was locating the phone number for him and the address. His power got turned off from a storm and I was DOING HIM A FAVOR.

 

I also NEVER said that I wouldn't drive them where he needed to go or have his family in my home to see the baby. I have offered BOTH.

 

I have offered for them all to come to my home. My DD declined and said she feels awkward. She felt awkward with his family at the hospital. Everyone did including my DD's friends. I don't even know how to describe it but they are not very talkative people? They sorta just stood there with blind looks on their faces. Her boyfriend isn't a talker either and has to be talked to to get a response, and even then you get a one-word response. I think it just runs in the family. LOL

from post #33 - My bad, sorry.

 

Also, when did I say him and my DD think I hate him? I don't usually use words such as "hate" since it's such a strong word.

 

Again, sorry. It's just the way you talk about him and some of the responses you say you get from him seem like that. I think I'm remembering someone else's post in this thread that used that word.

 

If I did say this, it must had been when I posted yesterday and was upset, but I don't have time to go back and read 7 pages of posts.

 

I DID review all pages of this thread. Where I've erred, I apologized.

 

I said I wouldn't get upset with someone telling me I was wrong. I am getting upset because you are changing my words around, adding words where I never put them, or saying I said things that I never said. :confused:

 

I am so sorry that my words upset you. I was just trying to help.

[Lolly]

She actually just went and renewed her restricted license so he can can practice driving more. She can now drive at night so she can drive him at night time if need be, but I honestly doubt that he will let her drive his car. :001_smile:

 

Good! This is the best step. I'm sure, you will let her borrow yours to drive all of them (or just herself and the wee one). (I'm assuming this is a license, not a learner's permit? The practice statement confused me a little bit.)

 

It is so hard having kids who are newly adult. Letting go is a difficult thing. It is, however, the best thing for them. Make suggestions; then, THEY decide what they should do. After that, we don't even get to say "I told you so".

[AngelBee]

My poor op....HUGS!!!

I am praying for you and you family. If you would like to talk via email, I am game. Please feel free to contact me. I have some ideas that may help your situation.

 

I will wade through the thread, but it seems it has gone a bit off the path.

 

angelbee369 @ hotmail.com

[AngelBee]

I realize everyone is making a huge deal about my DD's boyfriend's rights to the baby. Actually he isn't on the birth certificate because the hospital wouldn't list him not being married to my DD. She had an expired restricted license and so she couldn't have her signature notorized deeming him the baby's father. They still need to straighten it out and had planned to tomorrow so we'll see what happens.

This happened to my first 3 children as dh and I were not married at the time.

[Cheryl in NM]

I also think that making a big deal out of a specific instance isn't necessarily constructive - giving the feedback that you think these young adults could, and should, be handling more of their life is one thing, giving her a hard time for helping more than you think reasonable in a specific instance is really another...

 

I haven't seen anyone making a big deal out of anything besides the OP. She asked for advice. If she just want to vent and not receive opposing viewpoints she should have said that.

 

It's advice for the specific situations in her life that would be helpful to her. It's the objective viewpoint, based on the information SHE has given that is helpful to her. Now if she's exaggerated or not presented the whole situation or whatever, that's on her, not those of us trying to help. I've read every word of this thread and I haven't seen anyone being harsh. I've seen viewpoints opposing hers, vague advice and specific advice. I've also seen the OP be defensive, change her story and become offended and accusatory with those who responded to her request for help. It makes me think, "no good deed goes unpunished".

Edited May 12, 2011 by Cheryl in NM
grammar

[Beth in OH]

In my state, simply leaving the daddy's name off the birth certificate removes any and all rights to the baby. HE would have to get a lawyer, go to court, prove paternity and then sue for custody/visitation. If the girl lists him, not living with the mom pretty much excludes him from most things like TAKING THE BABY for visits. He doesn't have the right. She can block him from doing so and the police would side with her because there was no court order. Too many people assume fathering the child gives some kind of magical rights in the eyes of the law. It doesn't unless something happens to the mother.

 

I just want to address this advice in case anyone might rely on it when considering their own situations. I don't know what state servin refers to, but this approach is most definitely not the legal standard of all states. In OH, courts favor a father establishing paternity, and the process is neither expensive nor difficult. OH courts hold the view that two parents are better than one, both emotionally and financially, and neither the mother nor father needs to demonstrate fitness. In other words, an inexperienced teen father is just as capable of learning to parent as a teen mother.

 

Once a father has established paternity, he has a right to visitation (potentially joint custody). There are a number of free clinics who will help him in court, if need be. To block this, the burden will be on the mother to prove the father is "unfit". Even then, a court is likely to order supervised visits to see how things go. With all of this, there is some flexibility for a very young infant, but even breastfeeding won't prevent overnight visits after a certain period of time.

 

I agree with servin that you should speak to a lawyer licensed in your state to know what everyone's rights are. Even if you don't need the information, it may flavor your decisions.