Pretty in Pink Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 My MIL called a few days ago and spoke to my dh about the boys spending a few weeks at their house this summer and flying with them to the annual family reunion. The three older boys all said that they would like to attend. Now, this is practically an annual thing for the older boy; ds12 has been going since he was 7, ds7 began going at 4, and ds5 started at 3. So today she called back to find out if they would be going. Dh told her that they all wanted to go. Then she said that she had only been asking about ds7 and ds5, not ds12. Dh asked why ds12 was not invited and she said that he had attended for two years before any of the other boys began going, and at any rate she would be overwhelmed with three children to watch and she would rather only take two. My dh pointed out to her that ds5 will, in fact, be the most trouble of the three boys and that ds12 is self-sufficient in addition to being helpful with his siblings. Ds12 would also appreciate several of the planned activities more than his younger siblings, including museum outings and a day trip to Washington, D.C., but she insisted that she only wanted to have two children attend. Money is not an object in this situation. I am feeling put out that ds12 is being excluded, and I suspect that it is because he is not a biological relative of the family because he is my dh's step-son. I now that sounds like a catty thing to say. Let me explain. On more than one occassion, at large family gatherings (of which she is always in charge), she has made a big speech to the guests and introduced family members, and 'steps' are always introduced as such and in their own category (i.e. when she introduces our family it is dh, his wife, and our children, with eldest ds excluded, because he belongs in the last category, which is 'step' children and grandchildren). :glare: She and I have had our moments over the years over other issues, which I won't get into at the moment. I'm trying to see the trip through her eyes and see how it would be easier without ds12. I just can't. It doesn't make sense to me. OTOH, she has taken him to 5 other family reunions so it doesn't make any logical sense that she would now choose to exclude him on the grounds of being a 'step'. Can anyone make sense of this for me? She and I have not gotten on very well during the past year and my taking this personally isn't going to help matters any. If it matters, we decided to let the two she invited attend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pageta Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Unfortunately, not everything everyone else does is going to make sense or seem reasonable. Your ds12 is having to learn this at an early age. Yes, it would be a blow to my gut, too. It isn't right. It isn't kind. The oldest would certainly make the other two easier. But people who don't live with your children on a daily basis don't necessarily "get" that. Your MIL isn't being kind. Not at all. But somehow you need to help your ds12 learn to ride the bumps in life and get beyond it. In spite of your feelings. Not necessarily easy for you. But family isn't necessarily easy to get on with. So hugs, sorry this is happening, but I think you're already on track to do the best you can with the situation you've been given. Hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TX Bluebonnet Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 If it were me I would demand that the boys be a package deal. There is no way in the world I would let her take two of your children and leave one out. She is horrible for suggesting it and I would tell her so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Since she's taken him before, I can't see how being a stepchild would make a difference this year. It simply has to be something else. If she truly would feel overwhelmed, then your DH is right about the youngest being more of a handful. Sorry, I don't get her reasoning either. How does your DH feel about letting only the other 2 boys go without the oldest? If he's okay, how would the 12 year old feel if his brothers went without him? If he didn't care, could you somehow make being at home special for him? If you're only taking one child, couldn't you go do things like go to some museums or an amusement park or something like that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I respect your decision, but none of mine would be going. I would not hurt my own child's feelings to spare those of an adult for the sake of family peace. Nope. Not happening here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Kids are a package deal. All or none. I can't imagine how your ds wouldn't be terribly hurt to be left out. I'd tell MIL no thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Buckin' Longhorn Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 If it were me I would demand that the boys be a package deal. There is no way in the world I would let her take two of your children and leave one out. She is horrible for suggesting it and I would tell her so. :iagree:100% If she has taken the older child before and regularly, I wouldn't automatically assume it has to do with him being a stepchild. Actually the reason wouldn't matter, all kiddos or no kiddos. It would be that cut and dried with me, and I'd be inclined to no kiddos with that nasty attitude. I wouldn't feel comfortable sending my child somewhere he wasn't welcome/specifically invited, family or not. Family has a way of hurting you worse than strangers. So sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen+4dc Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I respect your decision, but none of mine would be going. I would not hurt my own child's feelings to spare those of an adult for the sake of family peace. Nope. Not happening here. :iagree: Your choice to make, but I agree with the bolded part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 (edited) ... Edited September 9, 2023 by J-rap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmmiSays Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 To me your MIL is going out of her way to make differences in your children. It is not right and it should not be tolerated in ANY form. There is no sense behind this behavior so no point in trying to understand it. I am a step-child and I have painful memories from the age of 3 of being different from my other siblings because of my step grandmother. My mother shut down all attempts that my step g-mom tried to make with differences, even going so far as to cut her off until she got herself together and stopped it. It's either ALL the children or none. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 (edited) None of mine would be going unless all of mine were going. Call the ol biddy back. Edited May 1, 2011 by Remudamom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I respect your decision, but none of mine would be going. I would not hurt my own child's feelings to spare those of an adult for the sake of family peace. Nope. Not happening here. :iagree: The only exception I would find acceptable (and even better, honestly) is if grandma took the younger children this trip, and the older ds alone a few weeks later. This way, ds12 would get one on one time with his grandparents, separate from the younger children and it would make it all worth it, as well as give him something special to look forward to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Negative. Grandparents are not allowed to play favorites in our clan. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 (edited) Are there other kids there around 11-12, that she might be using to gauge how your son might behave or be like to be around? Did something happen last trip that may have colored her opinion on having a kid of 11-12 there this year - whether it was him, or someone else? Does he talk a lot, or have any other personality thing that may have her feeling like it'd be easier this year to do the trip without him? (I have a non-stop talker, and he's a sweet, easy kid but sometimes he takes more energy than does his younger sister!) That was me trying to see it from her point of view, assuming the best about her. Here is what my gut reaction was -- first, I always look at a signature if one is there. Going by the ages of your kids, I assumed the eldest was from a prior relationship. Then I read your post, and mid-way through I wondered if this wasn't a bio-kid/step-kid issue. Then I got to the part of your post where you speculate the same. :( It hurt my heart to hear that she can seem so affectionate as to include him on trips for so many years, but to still (publically, no less) relegate him to the "Steps" category. That's always been a peeve of mine, that and when kids are always introduced as adopted when it's not even relevant to the situation or conversation. I'm curious to know what may have played out had your husband suggested that sure, she could have two kids but that it'd be the older two kids. I wonder if she'd accept that, or if it might open up conversation to some specific reason why she didn't invite your older son. If it is a stepkid thing, she'd have just kept pushing about wanting the middle two sons; if it were something specific to your older son (outside of being a stepkid), maybe it would have come out? ETA: just read the many replies above mine, suggesting kids are an all-nothing deal. I don't agree with that. I don't know what I would have done in your situation (OP), but I wouldn't automatically rule out sending some of the kids for the sake of one. I imagine you didn't either, and made the decision you did after thoughtful consideration. I travel a lot, and some trips are both-kid trips while some trips are one-kid (one SPECIFIC kid) trips. I don't always invite all of my nephews or nieces on every trip, either. I don't even worry about making things fair (as in, Nephew A on one trip then his brother on the next trip). It's not always about showing favoritism IMO and IME. Edited May 1, 2011 by eternalknot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caitilin Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I respect your decision, but none of mine would be going. I would not hurt my own child's feelings to spare those of an adult for the sake of family peace. Nope. Not happening here. Ditto. For us it'd be an all or nothing proposition as well.:grouphug:For your ds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I respect your decision, but none of mine would be going. I would not hurt my own child's feelings to spare those of an adult for the sake of family peace. Nope. Not happening here. :iagree: If you let her get away with playing favorites on this one, she'll just make it a habit that in the end will be very hurtful to your ds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted May 1, 2011 Author Share Posted May 1, 2011 Since she's taken him before, I can't see how being a stepchild would make a difference this year. It simply has to be something else. If she truly would feel overwhelmed, then your DH is right about the youngest being more of a handful. Sorry, I don't get her reasoning either. How does your DH feel about letting only the other 2 boys go without the oldest? My dh was surprised when she said ds12 wasn't invited and agrees with me that it doesn't make sense, though she is his grandmother and he is more likely to give her the benefit of the doubt than I (technically my GMIL, but she raised dh so is like a mother to him). When I expressed my concerns he said that he gave up trying to understand her reasoning long ago and that she isn't going to be around forever, so he'd rather not rock the boat. He said that she is old and set in her ways. In any case, dh was in favor of letting the other boys go along without ds12 and said he would take ds12 camping for a few days while they are away to make it up to him. If he's okay, how would the 12 year old feel if his brothers went without him? When dh asked him if he would mind staying home this year ds12 stared blankly for a moment, his eyes teared just a bit, and then he jammed his hands in his pockets and shrugged his shoulders. Dh asked again and ds said that it would not bother him. After dh left the room I told ds that if he would be bothered to stay home it was okay to say so. He said, "It's okay. It doesn't matter." I could tell that his feelings were hurt. A few minutes later ds12 sort of blew up on ds5 over nothing at all. If he didn't care, could you somehow make being at home special for him? See above. If you're only taking one child, couldn't you go do things like go to some museums or an amusement park or something like that? / Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Can anyone make sense of this for me? She and I have not gotten on very well during the past year and my taking this personally isn't going to help matters any. If it matters, we decided to let the two she invited attend. Maybe she prefers the littlers. If they start at 4 and end at 11? That she is "afraid" of what a preteen might do? I guess I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, be ready to be honest with older boy if it become obvious (esp. affirmation from your hubby this is not how one should act) bias, and, in the long run, if you are expecting anything in the way of college help or something from the will, to put away for this child in case he is excluded by GM. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 When dh asked him if he would mind staying home this year ds12 stared blankly for a moment, his eyes teared just a bit, and then he jammed his hands in his pockets and shrugged his shoulders. Dh asked again and ds said that it would not bother him. After dh left the room I told ds that if he would be bothered to stay home it was okay to say so. He said, "It's okay. It doesn't matter." I could tell that his feelings were hurt. A few minutes later ds12 sort of blew up on ds5 over nothing at all. Sorry, I know this is not helpful, but this just makes me want to smack your mil. grrrrr... :mad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 It would be all or none in our case too. If it were the youngest child in question, and she hadn't had a child that young stay before, that would be different. But I wouldn't let the oldest be excluded. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertDweller Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I respect your decision, but none of mine would be going. I would not hurt my own child's feelings to spare those of an adult for the sake of family peace. Nope. Not happening here. :iagree: How sad for ds12. There is no way he couldn't be hurt over this. And, where does it end? If she can do this now, how much more with other things in the future? Nope. I'd tell her all three or none. Or, I'd think it should be the two oldest. The oldest will eventually be grown up and may not even want to go any more. By then the younger or youngest will have their turn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Maybe she prefers the littlers. If they start at 4 and end at 11? That she is "afraid" of what a preteen might do? Honestly, I would think it is probably more something along these lines. Maybe she's worried about dealing with a preteen vs. little kids? Maybe she knows somebody who has had a bad experience lately. Maybe there will be other little kids along and not a lot of big kids? Maybe someone else in the family is giving her a hard time? My dh was raised by his step-dad from the time he was 3. I was shocked the first time someone in his step-dad's family made a nasty comment to me about it, but it happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 / Ah, GRANDMIL. How old is this person. When people start getting feeble, I cut them much more slack as far as "how many children they can handle". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I respect your decision, but none of mine would be going. I would not hurt my own child's feelings to spare those of an adult for the sake of family peace. Nope. Not happening here. :iagree: I can't think of a reason for her to decide to act this way, and she isn't giving one, but in the end the reason doesn't matter, she has made her choice. I wouldn't send the kids, even if she changes her mind and wants all 3. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 It definitely sounds like your ds12 was hurt, and I can totally see why. I would say all or nothing as well. If she really does think that all three would be overwhelming, I'd vote for the youngest staying home; he can wait to go until he's a little older, but leaving out a kid who has gone before, just because he's a step, is unfair. I'd put my foot down, and I'd have DH put his foot down, to say that, regardless of how many children she ends up having for the visit, your ds12 is not to be referred to as a step -- he's every bit a part of the family as the others. I would not allow someone to treat a stepchild any differently (especially if your own DH considers him to be his child, even if he's not biologically his). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted May 1, 2011 Author Share Posted May 1, 2011 I don't think that anything occurred during the previous years that would make her less inclined to take ds12. By all accounts he is very well-behaved on these trips. She has had issues with ds5 being more than a handful in the past and has been honest about that, but she keeps inviting him back. The boys do have a cousin that is one year older than our eldest ds, and she can be more of a challenge, though she was that way even as a little. Maybe that is clouding MIL's judgment of ds12. Maybe she does just prefer littles to adolescents, for whatever reason. I'm really torn about the whole thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I think also, as our kids get older and seem more like "real people", the differences become more magnified. For instance, maybe now that ds 12 isn't a little kid anymore, the step-ness of him is more pronounced in gmil's mind??? I've seen this happen in transracial adoptions. When the child of another race is little, he is cute and innocent, but when he gets older his being of another race is somehow more pronounced, and therefore somehow less desirable. I can't understand this really, but I've seen it happen, so I know it could be a factor. Or....she's just getting older, becoming less flexible, and really sees this as being more fair for the younger two, who haven't spent as much time with her as ds 12 has. Hope it's this. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 If he's okay, how would the 12 year old feel if his brothers went without him? When dh asked him if he would mind staying home this year ds12 stared blankly for a moment, his eyes teared just a bit, and then he jammed his hands in his pockets and shrugged his shoulders. Dh asked again and ds said that it would not bother him. After dh left the room I told ds that if he would be bothered to stay home it was okay to say so. He said, "It's okay. It doesn't matter." I could tell that his feelings were hurt. A few minutes later ds12 sort of blew up on ds5 over nothing at all. I am so sad for your ds. I really do not understand why your dh is even considering going along with this or why he would say it to your ds. How hurtful! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted May 1, 2011 Author Share Posted May 1, 2011 She is turning 74 this year. Suffice it to say that she is very set in her ways about many things. The whole 'steps' things is really the tip of the iceberg. I don't doubt that she is feeling her age. She's upset with me now because she wanted to keep the two boys for an entire month and I agreed to just under three weeks instead (which will be their longest visit yet, and without big brother, and 7 hours away from us if they get homesick). Good grief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joysworld Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 If it were me I would demand that the boys be a package deal. There is no way in the world I would let her take two of your children and leave one out. She is horrible for suggesting it and I would tell her so. I agree with this. Either they all go, or none of them do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joysworld Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 When dh asked him if he would mind staying home this year ds12 stared blankly for a moment, his eyes teared just a bit, and then he jammed his hands in his pockets and shrugged his shoulders. Dh asked again and ds said that it would not bother him. After dh left the room I told ds that if he would be bothered to stay home it was okay to say so. He said, "It's okay. It doesn't matter." I could tell that his feelings were hurt. A few minutes later ds12 sort of blew up on ds5 over nothing at all. And this is exactly why letting only some go is just not acceptable! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arghmatey Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 She is turning 74 this year. Suffice it to say that she is very set in her ways about many things. The whole 'steps' things is really the tip of the iceberg. I don't doubt that she is feeling her age. She's upset with me now because she wanted to keep the two boys for an entire month and I agreed to just under three weeks instead (which will be their longest visit yet, and without big brother, and 7 hours away from us if they get homesick). Good grief. She should consider herself privileged. There are a LOT of parents who would think nothing of not giving her even one overnight visit with children so young. Someone feeling her age simply couldn't handle my children, and they are regularly complimented on their behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I wouldn't demand she take all the boys, but I would tell her she wasn't taking any of them. Nope. I agree 100% with Mejane. I had a step-grandmother. She was a very nice woman, but my brother and I were never allowed to forget we were "steps". We were treated quite differently than the bio grandchildren, and it hurt. No one ever stood up for us and made her stop. She's gone now, and you know who was there with her when she died? Not her bio grandchildren... Anyway, I know you've made your decision, and I respect that. Many hugs for your son. Bless him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 :iagree: :iagree: Your choice to make, but I agree with the bolded part. Once, my sil invited me and my daughter to go to the beach (they rented a house with another family). She said it would be "girls only." I said thanks, but no thanks. I felt she was being lousy to my oldest (my younger son was not living at home at the time). Turned out there was another boy there--so I felt I did the right thing. It made me feel all protective and mama-bear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bzymom Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I could not watch this be done to one of my children at the hands of an adult who is supposed to love & care for them. If she said she didn't think she could handle the youngest, I would understand. Excluding the oldest, most self-sufficient child is just unkind. I would not discuss it with her, but would tell her I was sorry none of the children could attend. If she pushed, I would nicely explain that it had not occurred to me that my oldest had somehow used up his invitations, and it was too hurtful to permit. I'm sorry for your little guy. I just don't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Ick. Why was there confusion on who was invited? I would really feel the need to call her and ask why this wasn't stated in the first phone conversation. If you are only inviting two out of a set of kids, that is surely something you make clear in the conversation?? I don't feel like the kids always have to be a package deal, as long as they each get opportunities at various times, but I would be quite upset at the fact that this wasn't made clear in the first place. And, because this is a FAMILY REUNION, that really ups the ick factor on not including one child. Other considerations aside, if a person tells me that they would be overwhelmed by adding a well-behaved and helpful 12-yr-old to the mix, I would not feel comfortable in their ability to handle two much younger children. Ick, again. I'm not sure what you should do. I'd start by smacking dh for asking ds if he minded missing a fantastic trip that he said he wanted to go on - stupid question, dad! Don't put it on him to make it all A-OK, grrrr. Sorry, that's not helpful. Ideally, I would have sought clarification on why it wasn't said upfront, and made a decision without involving the kids, but now you have to work from a position of ds knowing . . . I don't know, I think the first thing I would have to do is get that clarification, and go from there. What I can tell you is that my position is "my kids, my rules." My in-laws have a tradition of inviting the grandkids to spend a week with them, and the rule was that it had to be one child at a time, and no parents. Well, that wasn't going to work for me - I knew my particular kids would not thrive being on their own, and on the practical side, it's a eleven hour drive, one way. So they never went when they were younger, and then I said that we would leave both the kids for a few days when we go up to visit, if they wished; no hard feelings if they didn't, but that was the only way it was going to happen. They are under no obligation to do things my way, and I am likewise under no obligation to make decisions about my kids that I'm not comfortable with. Your kids, your rules. If granny gets offended if you don't let 2 out of 3 kids go, that's her deal. Also? I would put a stop to her freakish introductions. Tell her that you are a family, and will be introduced as such. Mom, dad, Kid 1, Kid 2, and Kid 3. All at the same time. Make sure she knows you will interupt her pretty little speech at the garden party if she doesn't comply. You are a family. One family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Sorry- but NONE of them would go if it was us. How disrespectful to you (as his momma) and to your 12 yr old. Your dh needs to draw a line and tell how it will be- after all- it is his mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I just want to affirm, for the record, that this is AWFUL. There is a significant established precedent. This is a FAMILY REUNION, not a little cliquey outing. By definition family reunions are inclusive. This is a kid who was asked whether he wanted to go before hearing that he wasn't invited (this should have set her back right there--at that moment she should have said that she would take him because she didn't want to hurt his feelings.) It's horrible that she did this. What you should do about it, I'm not sure. It's awful, though. Maybe DH should talk with her, not in an 'issuing ultimatums' way but rather in a 'Surely you don't mean to exclude your lovely grandson, do you?' way. Persuasion is better than force. I'd encourage that tactic, and also the understanding that he is not going to leave the conversation settled on just the two. Either she decides to take all three or they leave it open for other discussion. If she is adament about just taking two, he should say that he needs to think about what to do and hang up gracefully. Maybe she will see how hurtful this is. Maybe she has a 'better nature' that could be appealed to. I would think that DH would be the one to do so, however. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I respect your decision, but none of mine would be going. I would not hurt my own child's feelings to spare those of an adult for the sake of family peace. Nope. Not happening here. This. The 5 & 7th won't even know what they're missing. But the 12yo.... he'll remember the day you stood up for him. (That is, if he even finds out. Hopefully he won't have a clue this was ever an issue.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robin's Song Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Oh wow. It looks like the damage has already been done. DS12 is hurt, and that is a shame. I'm sure his first thought is also to blame it on being the "step". I'm sorry, I think this absolutely is a case of favoring the biological gkids over the oldest. I appreciate the position you are in :grouphug: but there is no way I would allow a family member to drive a wedge between siblings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I agree with this. Either they all go, or none of them do. :iagree: I would not want my kids going anyplace with anyone who liked to divide my family this way. It's sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 (edited) One of the hard things about having a gap in age is that what the older children like is so different from what they younger children like. Which is fine. It's part of being a family and it is something everyone learn from working with. But I can certainly understand why it would be fun for a grandma to do a separate vacation with just a 4 and 6 year old. She will be able to do all sorts of things that might be boring to a 12 year old - or that she thinks will bore him even if they don't. Sometimes it really is easier to split them - just so much because a certain number of kids is so hard, but because they just enjoy such different types of activities. This doesn't seem like the hugest thing to me. But I think it's fine for your DH to tell his Mom that he can't do it because it would hurt the 12 year old's feelings. You DH already mentioned it, though, so I guess the damage is done. I married a guy with a 5 year old, so for a while, we had that same "Step" dynamic going on. In some ways, I insisted on the "step" status, because I felt like it was so much pressure to just get married and suddenly be a "real Mom." I felt like everyone wanted me to fake that I was something I wasn't yet. I wanted to be a great, loving step mother, but I think our culture thinks "step" is always bad. The word "step" almost carries a weight of "bad" with it - which is a shame. I adored my step son, and I think "step" should be "fabulous." Over time, though, I did become a mother, emotionally and legally. eta: I mean I became a mother to the child who had been a stepchild - I adopted him legally. Edited May 1, 2011 by Danestress Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I'm sorry you are even having to deal with this situation. I'm also dealing with an older step-child relationship. She is a lot older than my youngers but in your situation, I think I would insist on all three or none, especially because the kids already knew about the trip. If she only wanted two, she should have made that clearer from the beginning. Also, although this may mark me as an overly protective, worrier - 7 hours away from home with a 74 year old women? I would feel better having the older child along to help out, be an extra set of eyes/hands on the kids and be there just in case. What happens if they are out somewhere and one of the kids (or MIL) gets sick, or the five year old decides he's had enough and throws a tantrum or any of a million things that would be easier to deal with if an older child is along to help out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I think your dh should not allow it. I know of a situation where the stepson was tossed to the side after the stepfather had his "own" children. Sad business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 If it were me I would demand that the boys be a package deal. There is no way in the world I would let her take two of your children and leave one out. She is horrible for suggesting it and I would tell her so. :iagree: Actually, once she said my ds would be too much trouble, none would have gone. I have been excluded too many times in my life and know how it feels. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheApprentice Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I respect your decision as well, but none of my children would attend. They are a package deal. My parents were a little weary to watch all three of their grandchildren at once, so we just waited for the younger one to grow a bit. I would not let grandparents negatively influence our "nuclear family". :glare:Your 12 yo may not handle it as well as you all may think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 If it were me I would demand that the boys be a package deal. There is no way in the world I would let her take two of your children and leave one out. She is horrible for suggesting it and I would tell her so. :iagree: It would be devastating for the oldest grandchild to hear he is being excluded. That is despicable behavior. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captivated Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I respect your decision as well, but none of my children would attend. They are a package deal. My parents were a little weary to watch all three of their grandchildren at once, so we just waited for the younger one to grow a bit. I would not let grandparents negatively influence our "nuclear family". :glare:Your 12 yo may not handle it as well as you all may think. I agree 100%. No way would the others go if the oldest was left out. No way in the world. It will cause resentment and you ds will always remember how he was singled out to stay home. Trust me, I've been there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 I'd start by smacking dh for asking ds if he minded missing a fantastic trip that he said he wanted to go on - stupid question, dad! Don't put it on him to make it all A-OK, :iagree: While the 74yo grandmother may be frustrating in her decision to not include the 12yo, my greater frustration/anger would be to my dh if he gave in and then put it on the 12yo to be OK with what is happening. I'm sorry OP's ds is in the middle of all of this. I remember the way my grandparents divided the grandkids and how it made me feel - angry especially toward my siblings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted May 2, 2011 Share Posted May 2, 2011 you're the parent so you need to do as you see fit, but if it were me, I wouldn't allow ANY of my kids to attend. Your MIL is being TERRIBLE. I'm so sorry for you and your son.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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