How do you deal with passive-aggressive comments?

[GWOB]

I have an aquaintance that just loves to drop annoying, passive-aggressive comments ALL.THE.TIME. I'm the opposite of passive-aggressive. I just don't get this woman. Seriously, if she hated/disliked me so much, wouldn't she just stop talking to me? I'll give you a few examples. While at PE, I mentioned that I was going to leave for a while to wash my car (and so I wouldn't have to talk to her). Her PA comment was "We, I know how you like everything to LOOK good." What the h-e-double-hockeysticks is that supposed to mean? Or, while she was attending the dress rehersal for our kids' piano recital (even though the teacher specifically asked parents to wait outside so they would be suprised), she noticed my son blinking a lot. The next day the comment was "I noticed your son blinking a lot. Do you think you should get his eyes checked?" Even after telling her (at least 3 times) he just has some allergy issues now, she just wouldn't let it go. Oh, and you guys will LOVE this one. When talking about a change we had made in our curriculum, she said "Oh you're just a curriculum hopper aren't you?" Homeschool fighting words there.

 

She also notices everything wrong about my kids. Dd10 sang with the youth choir in front of church on day. She did a great job, considering she is the youngest and smallest one there. The first thing crazy lady said to me was "I noticed (dd10) didn't wear her glasses again today." And yes, for reference, this woman is the same lady who pushed my dd. When my son played his piano pieces for the recital (without a single mistake), she commented on the scrape on his face. She is just constantly making PA comments about everything I or my kids do.

 

Here's how I've been dealing with her, though it is no longer working. You know you train a puppy about apprpriate behavior? When they get too rowdy or anytime their teeth come in contact with skin, you immediately stop playing. That's what I've been doing. Anytime she makes a stupid comment, I just walk away. If she cannot play nice, I just won't play with her. Unfortunately that isn't working very well, especially since we live in a tiny town, attend the same church, and homeschool.

 

So how do you deal with PA people? My dh thinks I should just turn every comment around on her. I can see his point, but to me it would feel like repaying rudeness with rudeness. Now, I know I could absolutely slay this woman with my words, but I hate doing that. I don't like to be mean. I just want her to shut up.

[Rosie_0801]

If "Oh, shut up Eeyore" isn't your style try pretending what she just said means "I hate my life. I feel like someone has locked me in a cage and thrown away the key." If that's what she had said, what would you want to say?

 

Rosie

[GWOB]

If "Oh, shut up Eeyore" isn't your style try pretending what she just said means "I hate my life. I feel like someone has locked me in a cage and thrown away the key." If that's what she had said, what would you want to say?

 

Rosie

 

Ah, Rosie! You've done it again!

 

The thing is I know this woman hates her live. Her kids are out of control. She has been confronted a number of times about her behavior. She doesn't have any close friends because she drives everyone away. Her relationship with her husband is painful to watch. Honestly, I pity her, which is part of the reason why I haven't gone off on her....yet.

[Belacqua]

Good heavens, she sounds awful! Veering more toward aggressive-aggressive than passive-aggressive.

 

She sounds like the sort of person who would just love it if you sincerely pointed out that her comments bother you; she could deny that she expressed anything other than genuine concern or interest while secretly thinking, "Score! I got to Wendilou!"

 

Maybe she isn't that conniving. But maybe she is.

 

Perhaps you could try being blithe and annoyingly cheerful, agreeing pleasantly with everything she says. "Yes, I do like a clean car. It even improves my gas mileage!" Or an all-purpose, "Maybe so," but delivered with a chipper lilt that borders on the unhinged.

 

Or just stick with what you're already doing, saying, "Uh huh" and walking away, perhaps with the slightest, tiniest head shake that implies, "Oh, how sad her life must be." Sort of the grown-up equivalent of, "Whatever."

 

Oh, how dreadful. I hope this gets better for you.

[Trish]

How about an all-purpose "Thanks for noticing!" no matter what she says?

 

A biblical reference to this sort of thing, 1 Peter 4:15 "But let none of you suffer as a murderer, or as a thief, or as an evildoer, or as a busybody in other men's matters."

 

I'm not suggesting you throw a Bible at her, or even a quote, but look what good company some of these remarks put her in.

[eternalknot]

I just realize that the problem is hers, not mine, and I don't engage.

 

There's a mom in my homeschool group like this. Very much a busybody and know-it-all. It helps that I know her PA-ness comes from insecurity and an unhappy marriage -- and has nothing to do with me, personally. Still. It's annoying. And after a long day with my kids I have no niceness left in my body to kow-tow to her toddler antics, so I empathize with your situation.

 

It took me several weeks to perfect my lack of engagement, and there was definitely some "fake it 'til you make it" happening during that period. She went from being a raging hemorrhoid on my arse to being a mere pesky fly around my dinner table. Like a toddler, after a period of non-engagement she picked up her toys so to speak, and went home. She still comes over to peck every once in awhile, but sees she gets nowhere with me and quickly moves back on.

 

When I say don't engage, I mean to just appear non-commital. "You love to curricula hop, don't you?" -"I guess. I don't think about it much, I just do my thing." Shrug. Glance in other direction, bored with topic.

 

"You think you need to take Rex in to have his eyes checked for that blinking?" -"Eh, I guess. I don't pay attention to it much." (If the conversation continutes, just keep shrugging and remaining disengaged from the content of the conversation.) Eventually she'll hear the crickets chirping LOL.

 

These people are energy sucks, and I sure hope you're able to find a way to deal with her!

[Hedgehog]

Just a brief thought.. people don't do things unless there is some kind of pay-off for them. This lady is getting something out of her sniping comments - I have no idea what it would be - but you can be sure that she is, otherwise she wouldn't do it. She may not even be aware of it; it might be quite sub-conscious.

 

Quite a few members of my family are like this lady - one of them in particular. For a long time, I did not know how to deal it. But I've watched my DH deal with this person, and he doesn't pull the punches. He's right in there, confronting, questioning, like a dog with a bone until the person in question is so uncomfortable always trying to wriggle out of whatever it is they have said or done, that they now avoid DH at all costs. :D

 

Worth a try, eh?

[Night Elf]

So how do you deal with PA people? My dh thinks I should just turn every comment around on her. I can see his point, but to me it would feel like repaying rudeness with rudeness. Now, I know I could absolutely slay this woman with my words, but I hate doing that. I don't like to be mean. I just want her to shut up.

 

Well, unfortunately, sometimes you simply have to smack someone upside the head with a CLUE-by-4. I would tell her she's insulted you if she says something particular insulting. If she's just commenting on things like scratches or glasses, I'd look at her with a very puzzled expression and say 'Why on earth would that even occur to you to point out?'

 

If you just need to deal with it, you could stick to answering with as few words as possible. For every comment she makes, just say 'Yes', 'No', 'Hmm..', and my favorite 'Whatever.' :tongue_smilie:

[Carol in Cal.]

She doesn't sound passive-aggressive to me. She sounds just plain mean.

 

I don't deal well with that kind of thing. I'm sorry you have her in your face all the time. I think, from hearing what you're saying, I would probably have a mild confrontation with her the next time she picked on one of my children. I'd probably say, "I'm sure you don't mean to gossip about a young child, do you?" and let the chips fall where they may.

[kalanamak]

Sounds like a habit. Maybe she doesn't know she has it. Maybe she thinks it is funny. After a real whopper, I'd look her very calmly and say in a caring voice "do you have any idea how tiring it is to hear you running things down all the time? Are you really that unhappy you have to make others so, too?"

 

She'll either wake up and smell the Mike's or she'll avoid you like the plague. Either way is good!

[elizabeth]

I do not deal with them at all. I walk away. If they are so fortunate.:lol:

[grace'smom]

Maybe you should skip the "stop playing" part and just not play at all. Walk away before she says something nasty rather than after she says it. When you see her coming, find a reason to go the other way. You're not responsible for her marriage, her sad life or her feelings. Do not pity her into having to deal with something that's hurtful to yourself or your family. No reason to spread the emotional destruction any further than it needs to go...

[Denisemomof4]

If "Oh, shut up Eeyore" isn't your style try pretending what she just said means "I hate my life. I feel like someone has locked me in a cage and thrown away the key." If that's what she had said, what would you want to say?

 

Rosie

 

Rosie, you're my hero! ;)

 

Wendi, I see you're in Nebraska. I checked because I felt like perhaps you and I run in the same social circles and were dealing with the same person!

 

What you need to realize is that what this woman is doing to you, she's likely doing to a LOT of people. The person I dealt with did this to every single person in her life. AND, she pitted people against each other, stabbed everyone in the back, etc. etc. She was asked to leave the church we attended together, she was told to leave our homeschool group last year, and when she didn't return to synchronized swim with her dd this year, the entire TEAM was THRILLED. We never spoke of the problem with this woman but when I asked, "Where is F?" the coaches told us she wouldn't return. Only THEN did everyone have a mouthful to share. We got it all out that night and never mentioned her again. The difference in the environment without her at the homeschool group and synchro is noticeable by ALL. We are so much closer now. We are family. We get along since we don't have the negative back biter present. I no longer attend the church so I don't mention that.

 

What I would suggest is that you just KEEP AWAY from her at all times. DON'T go by her, DON'T engage her, and DON'T sink to her level. I understand what your dh is saying but if she's like the woman I knew, it would only add fuel to the fire. Keep away, zip the mouth, and realize she's a very unhappy person and take pity on her for that.

 

JMHO;)

[Peela]

It must be hard in a small community where you are going to bump in to her, to just avoid her altogether, at least in a one on one- but if you can, I would. Well, not to the point where it inconveniences me- that would be giving her way too much energy.

My dh too is quite confrontative with such people. I just tend to avoid them or give them the cold shoulder once they have ticked me off. But the other thing I tend to do is check with the other people around us if anyone else is finding her the same, or see if they heard what she said to me- and get them to share how they feel about it too. Since you are almost certainly not the only one and if you are, others will have noticed how she talks to you. But once others have shared about it- usually someone will actually say something to her, or at least you will have the group effect.

[GypsieFamily]

:grouphug:I'm sorry, it sounds like my former neighbour has moved into your street.

 

I think the icing on the cake was when this 'Born Again Christian' was asked by my kids if they could play with her kids. She told me that last time her kids had played with my kids her entire family had got gastro as a result of associating with people who weren't of their religious ilk. Said with a sickly sweet smile.

 

My response: :001_unsure: :leaving:

I still don't cope well. I generally just tend to stand there dumbfounded that someone could be so rude. I think of things I could have said later, but I never can at the time.

[elizabeth]

I am in southwest Iowa ,may I come over the bridge to see if this is the same dame who ruins every ITBS day for all of us with her poison and negativity?? You poor dear she sounds awful. And in need of strong meds and an immobile tongue. I would suggest you walk away from her or tape your nose to your forehead the next time she starts to open her mouth. Who needs that? I swear it is one foul tempered woman who travels all the states to just rain on everyone else's parade.:lol:

[GWOB]

She sounds like the sort of person who would just love it if you sincerely pointed out that her comments bother you; she could deny that she expressed anything other than genuine concern or interest while secretly thinking, "Score! I got to Wendilouwho!

 

She would totally play innocent. When I confronted her about shoving my dd, she had no idea what I was talking about! Of course, then she changed her story a few times after I wouldn't back down.

 

Just a brief thought.. people don't do things unless there is some kind of pay-off for them. This lady is getting something out of her sniping comments - I have no idea what it would be - but you can be sure that she is, otherwise she wouldn't do it. She may not even be aware of it; it might be quite sub-conscious.

 

Oh she gets a lot out of it. This is how she deflects attention away from her unruly children. She has even shouted at my kids for absolutely nothing while hers were beating up on one another. The curriculum comment was her way of detracting from the fact that her kids aren't doing very well in HER school, even though she's used the same curriculum the whole time. She builds herself up by tearing down other people.

 

Well, unfortunately, sometimes you simply have to smack someone upside the head with a CLUE-by-4. I would tell her she's insulted you if she says something particular insulting. If she's just commenting on things like scratches or glasses, I'd look at her with a very puzzled expression and say 'Why on earth would that even occur to you to point out?'

 

If you just need to deal with it, you could stick to answering with as few words as possible. For every comment she makes, just say 'Yes', 'No', 'Hmm..', and my favorite 'Whatever.' :tongue_smilie:

 

Love it!

 

She doesn't sound passive-aggressive to me. She sounds just plain mean.

 

I don't deal well with that kind of thing. I'm sorry you have her in your face all the time. I think, from hearing what you're saying, I would probably have a mild confrontation with her the next time she picked on one of my children. I'd probably say, "I'm sure you don't mean to gossip about a young child, do you?" and let the chips fall where they may.

 

I've confronted her about the shoving incident. I also told her she was no longer allowed to talk to my children without me present. The next week, while we were at PE, she told my son to stop doing something trivial. Then she yelled across the parking lot "Wendi, I told (ds8) to stop doing (whatever meaningless thing he was doing). Is that ok with you?" I'm proud to say I repressed every urge to smack her right then and there.

 

It must be hard in a small community where you are going to bump in to her, to just avoid her altogether, at least in a one on one- but if you can, I would. Well, not to the point where it inconveniences me- that would be giving her way too much energy.

My dh too is quite confrontative with such people. I just tend to avoid them or give them the cold shoulder once they have ticked me off. But the other thing I tend to do is check with the other people around us if anyone else is finding her the same, or see if they heard what she said to me- and get them to share how they feel about it too. Since you are almost certainly not the only one and if you are, others will have noticed how she talks to you. But once others have shared about it- usually someone will actually say something to her, or at least you will have the group effect.

 

I can't avoid her. Only one hs group in town, we attend the same church, our kids take piano lessons with the same lady, on various boards together at church (where I have to talk constantly over her ridiculous comments).

 

She does this to others too. Like the phenomenon Denise mentioned, we all thought we were the only ones she did this to. When I noticed an angry look on our piano teacher's face after dealing with crazy lady, I asked her about it. I found out most women in church have been her victim. Other women have had to talk to her about bullying their kids. She just doesn't get it. I may need to put on my big girl panties and dig out the aforementioned Clue-by-4 and smack her upside the head with it.

[GWOB]

I am in southwest Iowa ,may I come over the bridge to see if this is the same dame who ruins every ITBS day for all of us with her poison and negativity?? You poor dear she sounds awful. And in need of strong meds and an immobile tongue. I would suggest you walk away from her or tape your nose to your forehead the next time she starts to open her mouth. Who needs that? I swear it is one foul tempered woman who travels all the states to just rain on everyone else's parade.:lol:

 

:lol: It may be the same woman. She was in Iowa before moving here. I blame you Elizabeth for inflicting THAT on me:tongue_smilie:.

[Murphy101]

I'm a blunt person.

Optional answers would be:

 

This face :001_huh: and "How rude." and abruptly walk away.

This face :blink: and "This is none of your business." and abruptly walk away.

This face :rolleyes: "I didn't ask for your opinion." and abruptly walk away.

 

Do NOT respond to her if she tries to engage you as you walk away.

IF you feel you must, then I would be blunt and say, "I'm not interested in discussing this with you." and REFUSE to do so.

[OLG]

Technically not passive-aggressive but still a huge PIA. Direct confrontation and 'calling her out' on her rude behavior would be a start. Do hope you can just avoid being around her going forward.

[prairiewindmomma]

If everyone agrees that this woman is completely over the top obnoxious, I would probably be tempted to say, "Honey, are you trying to be rude?" in a very kind, concerned tone and just leave it at that.... She'll play innocent, but hopefully it'll help her know that she can't go all open-season on you.

 

I agree, her comments are probably rooted in her own deep internal unhappiness.

[RobinF]

We have someone similar in our group and it drives me batty. For a while she didn't target me (for whatever reason) but lately I have been noticing it. Today she pointed out that one of my sons had his shirt on backwards (it was hard to tell). Really like this affects your life how?? Anyway. I have been direct and had no result when you confront her she acts honestly surprised that she said something offensive.

 

I am at the point where I distance myself when I can and spend the rest of the time thinking how sorry I am that she is so miserable. I don't own her comments and when she says something I just leave it in the floor. Not my problem.

[Ester Maria]

I didn't read the rest of the replies.

 

Is there a reason you wish to have her in your life? 'cause if no, just loosen ties with her and blissfully ignore her. Tie zero value to things she says and they won't irritate you, as they'll be irrelevant to you. After a while of cold shouldering, she'll probably either change her ways either disappear on her own.

 

If you do wish her in your life (as in, if she is a generally good and valuable person to have in your life, just falling a victim to a great temptation to be so negative and draining at times - happens, there are such 'psychological constitutions' of people), then an honest friendly chat is in place and putting her back to her place every time she crosses the line, hoping she will learn to prevent those stuff with time. You can even agree upon some sort of a "warning sign", which should make her know she crossed or is about to cross the line of what you allow.

[GWOB]

We have someone similar in our group and it drives me batty. For a while she didn't target me (for whatever reason) but lately I have been noticing it. Today she pointed out that one of my sons had his shirt on backwards (it was hard to tell). Really like this affects your life how?? Anyway. I have been direct and had no result when you confront her she acts honestly surprised that she said something offensive.

 

I am at the point where I distance myself when I can and spend the rest of the time thinking how sorry I am that she is so miserable. I don't own her comments and when she says something I just leave it in the floor. Not my problem.

 

We get the"(ds8), did you know your shirt was backwards" comments all the time from her. Who freaking cares? I could be mean and tell her kids "Your hair is not brushed," but then I'd be just as bad.

[GWOB]

I didn't read the rest of the replies.

 

Is there a reason you wish to have her in your life? 'cause if no, just loosen ties with her and blissfully ignore her. Tie zero value to things she says and they won't irritate you, as they'll be irrelevant to you. After a while of cold shouldering, she'll probably either change her ways either disappear on her own.

 

If you do wish her in your life (as in, if she is a generally good and valuable person to have in your life, just falling a victim to a great temptation to be so negative and draining at times - happens, there are such 'psychological constitutions' of people), then an honest friendly chat is in place and putting her back to her place every time she crosses the line, hoping she will learn to prevent those stuff with time. You can even agree upon some sort of a "warning sign", which should make her know she crossed or is about to cross the line of what you allow.

 

I really have no desire to have her in my life. Unfortunately, we live in a tiny town and attend the same church. She is unavoidable. I can't change her or the frequency of my interactions with her. I obviously do need to change how I deal with her.

[OrganicAnn]

She is not passive aggressive, she is just not nice. I would come up with several very short replies that could be used in most situations (including silence). Then I would practice them, and use them and not engage in any conversation.

[arghmatey]

Limit your interaction with her, but when she does trap you, a simple "Well, bless your heart" will leave her confused.

 

She'll wonder what you really mean by it, or if you are so dumb (you're not) you don't even realize she's being witchy, or if you are being PA, or if you even heard her.

 

What would be awesome is if she repeated it, and then you get to repeat, "Well, bless your heart *again*!"

 

I also like, "Oh, that is so *interesting* of you to point out" or "How curious that you attend to such matters. Thank you so much for kindly pointing this out."

 

Let the syrup run thick through your voice. It's fun.

[Alicia64]

I'm just like you. My tendency is to let a comment like that fall and not say a thing about it -- hoping that the unpleasantness will just come to an end.

 

I agree, however, w/ everyone who says to essentially get in her face as in, "do you have a problem with me?"

 

I had a "friend" who did this sort of thing and I would be left boiling mad. The only reason I saw her is because my boys loved her boys -- so I thought I was being a good mom.

 

Well, when we moved out of state enough of that! Now if I think I just can't stomach the mom, I tell my kids in one way or another that it just won't work. Learned that lesson. :tongue_smilie:

 

The main thing is to protect yourself and stay away from her at all costs -- that's what I learned. The second thing is to know that it's not you at all. There is a type out there that thrives on doing this to other people.

 

Yuck.

 

Alley

[GWOB]

Limit your interaction with her, but when she does trap you, a simple "Well, bless your heart" will leave her confused.

 

She'll wonder what you really mean by it, or if you are so dumb (you're not) you don't even realize she's being witchy, or if you are being PA, or if you even heard her.

 

What would be awesome is if she repeated it, and then you get to repeat, "Well, bless your heart *again*!"

 

I also like, "Oh, that is so *interesting* of you to point out" or "How curious that you attend to such matters. Thank you so much for kindly pointing this out."

 

Let the syrup run thick through your voice. It's fun.

 

Funny you mentioned the "Bless your heart" comment. I'm Southern, know what that *really* means, and am seriously considering using that every time she talks to me. Maybe she'll think I'm nuts and just leave me alone. That would be worth it.

[specialmama]

If everyone agrees that this woman is completely over the top obnoxious, I would probably be tempted to say, "Honey, are you trying to be rude?" in a very kind, concerned tone and just leave it at that.... She'll play innocent, but hopefully it'll help her know that she can't go all open-season on you.

 

I agree, her comments are probably rooted in her own deep internal unhappiness.

 

I like this response.

[Hillary in KS]

I am in southwest Iowa ,may I come over the bridge to see if this is the same dame who ruins every ITBS day for all of us with her poison and negativity?? You poor dear she sounds awful. And in need of strong meds and an immobile tongue. I would suggest you walk away from her or tape your nose to your forehead the next time she starts to open her mouth. Who needs that? I swear it is one foul tempered woman who travels all the states to just rain on everyone else's parade.:lol:

 

Oh my word. We all live in the same area? Now I'm worried that the woman who popped into my head when I'm reading this thread is a woman we all have in common.:confused:

[GWOB]

Oh my word. We all live in the same area? Now I'm worried that the woman who popped into my head when I'm reading this thread is a woman we all have in common.:confused:

 

Let's hope it is because if three women like this exist in a small geographical area I'm moving to Bhutan.

[Hillary in KS]

Let's hope it is because if three women like this exist in a small geographical area I'm moving to Bhutan.

 

:lol:

[Nestof3]

I have had experience with this, and truthfully, that's when I just back off and find something else to do. I always leave feeling confused. Sometimes you just really do not click with someone.

[OnTheBrink]

I was listening to a podcast tonight and it was about offenses and when is the right time to confront and not. It's from a Christian POV, so take it for what it's worth to you. Anyway, the priest was saying that if the offense is small and basically inconsequential, let it go. Don't waste the energy on it. Take the perspective that the other person is hurting (for whatever reason) and it's that pain that's causing them to be offensive. Now, if the offense is a huge thing, then confrontation is definitely in order. But, it seems to me this woman is hurting. She's jealous, she's insecure, she's scared, whatever. But something in her soul is in pain. You could try to draw her out and see if you can help her in some way, or you can keep your distance and just keep in mind that someone who's whole and healthy and happy doesn't act that way. I'm not going to suggest which approach to take; that's totally up to you. You know her better and you know what your limitations are right now. But, at the very least, keep in mind that there's something in her life causing her pain and she lashes out. Just knowing that much might help you not to take her comments personally and might make it easier to ignore them.

 

Having said all that, I'd be upset, too! I am super-sensitive and tend to take things personally and usually I DON'T have the perspective that it's the other person who's hurting. But, the podcast I listened to was really good and gave me some food for thought. Hope my sharing what I got from it helps you, too.

[Sun]

Limit your interaction with her, but when she does trap you, a simple "Well, bless your heart" will leave her confused.

 

She'll wonder what you really mean by it, or if you are so dumb (you're not) you don't even realize she's being witchy, or if you are being PA, or if you even heard her.

 

What would be awesome is if she repeated it, and then you get to repeat, "Well, bless your heart *again*!"

 

I also like, "Oh, that is so *interesting* of you to point out" or "How curious that you attend to such matters. Thank you so much for kindly pointing this out."

 

Let the syrup run thick through your voice. It's fun.

 

:lol: Oh, I love this!

[ondreeuh]

What about responding to her with "Hmm," and a little nod. You heard her, and you have no comment. Then pull out a book or go find someone else.

 

To be more direct, you could look at her quizzically and say, "Well, that's an odd thing to say," and move along. Bounce it back to her and leave.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't like to be mean.

 

Well...then I won't tell you what I would do. :lol:

[Rosie_0801]

But, it seems to me this woman is hurting. She's jealous, she's insecure, she's scared, whatever. But something in her soul is in pain. You could try to draw her out and see if you can help her in some way, or you can keep your distance and just keep in mind that someone who's whole and healthy and happy doesn't act that way. I'm not going to suggest which approach to take; that's totally up to you. You know her better and you know what your limitations are right now.

 

Uh huh. Assuming you have some reserves to draw on (if you don't, you don't, it doesn't make you a bad person,) you are going to have to be a positive contribution to her. If your town is so small, she's unavoidable, the only option left is to fix, for want of a better word. She'll get worse before she gets better, so if you're not able to deal with that, you'd better need to go to the ladies' whenever she comes by.

 

If you are willing to play guardian angel, it can help to think of it as a game. There used to be the most pinch faced, sour woman working nearby. Sometimes she'd come through my register at the grocer, sometimes I had to go through hers at the supermarket. I ended up playing a game of trying to make her smile. IT TOOK 4 MONTHS!!! And it made my day. I won! :lol: But my winning didn't make her lose. Eventually, she would smile at me without me having to even try. :D For all I know, I was the only person ever to be pleasant to her. In your case, it seems as though you could be the only person to be nice to her, since she is such a pain in the butt to everyone.

 

It's the Brownie leader in me, I guess, but that's what I'd be doing since there is few other choices.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[NanceXToo]

Maybe you could buy this book:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Overcoming-Passive-Aggression-Spoiling-Relationships-Happiness/dp/1569243611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1303635794&sr=1-1

 

or borrow it from your library,

 

and next time you're going to be around her, bring it with you, hand it to her, and say: "I came across this book and I thought of you, I thought you might want to check it out."

 

:D

[nd293]

I also "don't play" - but I tend to act oblivious to the comment. The passive aggressive is wanting to "get to you" while being able to claim innocence. So in regards to the car comment, I would just reply brightly, "Yes, how well we take care of our possessions reflects something about our inner selves, doesn't it?" If she makes an irrelevant comment about your children, acknowledge the statement and then get back to the subject at hand - "I think her glasses are next to her bed. Wasn't the choir fantastic?".

 

I have definitely decreased the frequency of passive aggressive comments from dh with this approach.

[MelanieM]

I agree with the comments that people who behave this way only do so because they are hurting themselves. I find it can really help to see the person as reacting to their own pain and realizing that it is not personal. Of course, this doesn't always make it less annoying to deal with!

 

Maybe you can treat her like an alien visitor who just doesn't know any better. Then every time she says or does something completely inappropriate you can kindly whisper to her "oh, perhaps you're not aware, but that type of comment might come across as rude or upsetting to many people." Of course, I would only do this from a genuine place of wanting to kindly redirect her behaviour. Otherwise you might end up turning yourself into the passive-aggressive one. ;)

[sassenach]

I like the bless your heart approach. My initial thought was along those lines. What I would do is say,"That's so odd that you notice stuff like that," or "what a strange thing to notice," or "wow, Judy, you have such an odd perspective." Followed by, "I gotta run now!" I would take this route because it sounds like she likes to ruffle feathers, so telling her that she's bothering you probably won't help. I think I would rather point out to her that her comments make her seem strange. At the same time, I would work on greeting her with a smile and being friendly up to the point that she gets offensive. I'm not sure what else there is to do. Good luck!

[Sun]

I like the bless your heart approach. My initial thought was along those lines. What I would do is say,"That's so odd that you notice stuff like that," or "what a strange thing to notice," or "wow, Judy, you have such an odd perspective." Followed by, "I gotta run now!" I would take this route because it sounds like she likes to ruffle feathers, so telling her that she's bothering you probably won't help. I think I would rather point out to her that her comments make her seem strange. At the same time, I would work on greeting her with a smile and being friendly up to the point that she gets offensive. I'm not sure what else there is to do. Good luck!

 

:iagree: This also sounds like a great approach.

[6packofun]

I agree with this. You could mix it up sometimes with just a pitying look and a pat on her shoulder, too, then walking away.

[Pretty in Pink]

I would say, "Dude. You are totally bumming me out. Do you realize how pessimistic you are?"

[dakarimom5]

Well, unfortunately, sometimes you simply have to smack someone upside the head with a CLUE-by-4.

 

 

This is my new favorite quote....:D

[mom2scouts]

I've dealt with this type of person and I would never tell them they are being rude or "bumming me out". That's the payoff for them. It's usually people who are unhappy with their lives and want to make you unhappy too (misery loves company, you know). I started responding with cheerful and positive responses. When you are called a "curriculum hopper", you turn it back and with a very excited voice tell them about all the great curriculum out there and how you'd love to be able to use all of the many ones that would work with your family. When she comments about your daughter not wearing her glasses again, you respond with a laugh about how your daughter's fun loving personality just causes her to forget stuff like her glasses. When they put down homeschooling, you get very excited and go on and on about how much fun you have, how you enjoy your children and how much they're learning.

 

I recently met a mom whose religious comments are so rude and offensive that most of the other hs moms avoid her and try not to even look at her for fear that she'll start her religious rant again. Oddly, scaring people away seems to be her goal and I didn't want to have to feel uncomfortable every time I see her. Now whenever I see her, I go out of my way to greet her and she has been so shocked that she looks around and says "Are you talking to me?" and she tries to avoid *me* now.:lol:

[Susan in TN]

I also "don't play" - but I tend to act oblivious to the comment. The passive aggressive is wanting to "get to you" while being able to claim innocence.

 

I have a friend who manages to throw in some kind of "anti-classical education" comment whenever we get together - generally praising a particular aspect of their homeschooling and then saying "this is why I avoid "this aspect" of classical ed". I usually just nod and make compliments over their achievements.

 

Or you could say that ds has been undergoing rigorous eye-blink training and will soon make it into the Guiness Book of World Records. Or that your shiny car makes you feel totally superior to others. Whatever she dumps out, up it another few notches. Go for crazy.

[Night Elf]

I may need to put on my big girl panties and dig out the aforementioned Clue-by-4 and smack her upside the head with it.

 

Rock on! :D

 

I wonder if other ladies would back you up? It's a bit intimidating to be approached by a pack of women with stern looks on their faces. :D