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I love my husband dearly, but he stinks at giving gifts....


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and every year I hope it will be better, but it never has I am trying to be positive. I love Christmas, this year I gave him a huge list so he would have to really think about what he wanted to get me, but I almost hate this part of Christmas. For once, I just want to be surprised. Last year, I have three smaller things on my list. That's exactly what he got me. Nothing else, nothing that wasn't on the list. I never get anything for my birthday or any other holiday, the best year ever was when he did put some thought into it and got me an under the counter radio/cd player out of the blue. Totally surprising and yet useful.

 

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with the disappointment. Sorry I really don't mean to sound ungrateful I just would like him to put thought into things.

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and every year I hope it will be better, but it never has I am trying to be positive. I love Christmas, this year I gave him a huge list so he would have to really think about what he wanted to get me, but I almost hate this part of Christmas. For once, I just want to be surprised. Last year, I have three smaller things on my list. That's exactly what he got me. Nothing else, nothing that wasn't on the list. I never get anything for my birthday or any other holiday, the best year ever was when he did put some thought into it and got me an under the counter radio/cd player out of the blue. Totally surprising and yet useful.

 

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with the disappointment. Sorry I really don't mean to sound ungrateful I just would like him to put thought into things.

 

 

Trust me...over-thinking...can be just as disasterous!!!! :D

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and every year I hope it will be better, but it never has I am trying to be positive. I love Christmas, this year I gave him a huge list so he would have to really think about what he wanted to get me, but I almost hate this part of Christmas. For once, I just want to be surprised. Last year, I have three smaller things on my list. That's exactly what he got me. Nothing else, nothing that wasn't on the list. I never get anything for my birthday or any other holiday, the best year ever was when he did put some thought into it and got me an under the counter radio/cd player out of the blue. Totally surprising and yet useful.

 

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with the disappointment. Sorry I really don't mean to sound ungrateful I just would like him to put thought into things.

 

You may need to let go of the desire to be surprised. If my dh was like this we'd sit down and decide what "we" are going to get for Christmas and then get it. It could be a joint gift, or something for him and something for you.

 

I'd do this for your birthday as well. We don't get surprises for each other much here. I usually pick out my bday gift.

 

For Christmas, my dh & I give each other wish lists, and usually pick from the list. It works for us. I am horrible at hints or reading his mind, and he's even worse.

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Mine too. He is an awesome guy but sometimes I look at the gifts he picks and I think. :001_huh: huh

 

The basic problem for us is the I prefer practical luxuries. Like really really nice sheets or towels. Useful everyday but an indulgence I would not buy out of the household budget.

 

When I say I want good knives (like Williams Sonoma $100/knife) he says that isn't a gift because it is a 'tool' for my housework and I could just buy one. The thing is I won't spend that much on myself, so I end up with nice but not fantasic kitchen stuff. He wants to get me frilly, decorative, perfumey stuff that I don't really need.

 

His aunts tell stories of husbands who give vacuums and irons and etc. and how stupid they are and how those husbands are in the doghouse. And I sit there and think 'I could use a new vacuum' :lol:.

 

We've been married 30 years so apparently we have been able to work it out. :001_wub: He gets me one or two things on my 'need list' and I am careful to wear/display/show off the girly stuff.

 

Denise who doesn't need more perfume or lingerie but will be wearing it the day after Christmas.

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Mine too. He is an awesome guy but sometimes I look at the gifts he picks and I think. :001_huh: huh

 

The basic problem for us is the I prefer practical luxuries. Like really really nice sheets or towels. Useful everyday but an indulgence I would not buy out of the household budget.

 

When I say I want good knives (like Williams Sonoma $100/knife) he says that isn't a gift because it is a 'tool' for my housework and I could just buy one. The thing is I won't spend that much on myself, so I end up with nice but not fantasic kitchen stuff. He wants to get me frilly, decorative, perfumey stuff that I don't really need.

 

His aunts tell stories of husbands who give vacuums and irons and etc. and how stupid they are and how those husbands are in the doghouse. And I sit there and think 'I could use a new vacuum' :lol:.

 

We've been married 30 years so apparently we have been able to work it out. :001_wub: He gets me one or two things on my 'need list' and I am careful to wear/display/show off the girly stuff.

 

Denise who doesn't need more perfume or lingerie but will be wearing it the day after Christmas.

 

:lol: I have a vacuum on my wish list. I always want house stuff for gifts. One year for my birthday, I got a new front door & I loved it! Another year a new chandelier. It's the only way I can justify spending the money. I'm frugal.

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I have the opposite problem. If I give dh a list, he will buy every single thing on the list, upgrading everything to a more expensive model if possible, and then he'll buy me more stuff that I'm not expecting.

 

Sounds great, right?

 

Well, it is unless you're me, and will go a little :willy_nilly: knowing that he paid twice as much as I would have for everything. He never looks for a sale!

 

Cat

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My dh didn't do well in this dept. either- especially when we were first married..... Gift giving (and receiving) are a way to express love- if you follow the "Love Languages" idea, it's one of them. Great book, btw- might be good to pass onto your hubby. (Mine doesn't like to read books, but will listen to books on tape on the Metro- an option).

We had to sit down and have a chat early on. It's okay to be different we just needed to clearly know those differences and cater to them to please each other. My dh is more likely to show/receive love by acts of service so, I've been more aware of that since then. (He'll clean the kitchen, make dinner, chase a passel of kids all day and not blink an eye!) He thought the whole commercial b-day, Christmas, Valentine's Day (that was a particular bump in our road) way of doing things was silly and didn't want to 'buy' into it. When he realized that those things were important to ME, he came around. Sometimes, just some education helps. It sure helped me to show him how much I appreciate, respect and love him.

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Heh, I love that my dh stinks at giving gifts, because so do I. He usually gets me a pair of inexpensive silver earrings, because I told him once they were a sure bet. I have no idea what to get him ever - there may have been years he's gotten not much of anything. He likes tools and electronics (not tvs and ipods - things like computer guts and cables) - these are not things I can shop for to his satisfaction. Usually he gets clothes (whoopee), but he has shirts he hasn't ever taken out of the packaging because everyone has this dilemma with him. I said I thought I'd get him a sweater this year because he only has one nice one and he said "I never wear sweaters." :glare: I would be very annoyed if he were finding me perfect and surprising presents and I never got him anything more exciting than new winter coat.

 

My dad was bad at gifts, and my mom just always told him what to get, or more often, bought herself something she liked and said it was her Christmas/birthday gift from him. They're still happily married - it'll be 50 years now!

 

I don't even like being surprised. It's usually something I don't want, and if it's a big ticket item, I'd rather pick it out myself. I ask everyone (even my kids) what they want and get them that. My best friend is a gift whisperer. She's learned to love me in spite of the fact that I call up every year and ask "what can I get you?" Her ex-dh is great at giving gifts. He's her ex because it turned out he was gay.

Edited by matroyshka
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and every year I hope it will be better, but it never has I am trying to be positive. I love Christmas, this year I gave him a huge list so he would have to really think about what he wanted to get me, but I almost hate this part of Christmas. For once, I just want to be surprised. Last year, I have three smaller things on my list. That's exactly what he got me. Nothing else, nothing that wasn't on the list. I never get anything for my birthday or any other holiday, the best year ever was when he did put some thought into it and got me an under the counter radio/cd player out of the blue. Totally surprising and yet useful.

 

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with the disappointment. Sorry I really don't mean to sound ungrateful I just would like him to put thought into things.

 

 

I've tried really pointed hints and they don't work. I end up giving him a list for him and his mother. And I include gift cards to my favorite store so they don't actually have to shop too much if they don't want.

 

There was one year when we went to the mall and I literally pointed at things and said "I like this one." then we had lunch and then we went through the mall separately. It worked! It also ended up in a surprise gift. It was a sweatshirt that said mom of "K H M". Of course they were spelled out on the shirt. It was my favorite gift that year.

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My dh didn't do well in this dept. either- especially when we were first married..... Gift giving (and receiving) are a way to express love- if you follow the "Love Languages" idea, it's one of them. Great book, btw- might be good to pass onto your hubby.
My husband is incredibly challenged in this area. Six years ago, he gave me the only anniversary gift he's given me in more than twenty years of marriage: the Men's Edition of The Five Love Languages.

 

You know, so I'll know how to deal with my wife.

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My husband is incredibly challenged in this area. Six years ago, he gave me the only anniversary gift he's given me in more than twenty years of marriage: the Men's Edition of The Five Love Languages.

 

You know, so I'll know how to deal with my wife.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

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I do. Exactly the same problem. Nice man, thoughtful and helpful and loving. Stinks at giving gifts.

 

I give him a list because he likes to buy me something. But I never get that thoughtful little surprise. Once in a while when things are tight, I suggest we not exchange gifts at all, and I actually prefer it that way.

 

I buy myself something special at Christmas time....a special handmade soap in my favorite scent or a small pretty thing. I don't wrap it or anything, just buy it and use it after Christmas.

 

I also finally got through to him that I don't have to have a thing wrapped in a box under the tree. An act of service is a great gift. He's finally getting it. This year for my birthday he tuned up my bike and took my sewing machine to be serviced. Perfect! Way better than a thing-in-a-box purchased at the last minute, lol. This Christmas he's even going to give his mother a "handyman day" for one of her gifts.

 

Does he have a sister? Or could his mom help him choose something for you? My dh gets good tips from my mom once in a while.

 

:grouphug: I get it. It's not that you're ungrateful, it's just that you'd like gift-giving to be special. Thank goodness they are wonderful in so many other ways.

 

Cat

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I think you should calmly and nicely tell him how you feel and why. He's not going to read your mind. Either that, or continue giving him the list and like someone else said, let go of the desire of being surprised. Or surprise him more often and then give him a wink and tell him you like surprises, too. I will usually just tell my husband what I want. Or we'll each shop for what we want. Or we'll decide to put money toward a getaway or trip instead of 'things.' Sometimes he surprises me with something. Sometimes he doesn't. Often I'd prefer he not- I'd rather get something I definitely want lol.

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and every year I hope it will be better, but it never has I am trying to be positive. I love Christmas, this year I gave him a huge list so he would have to really think about what he wanted to get me, but I almost hate this part of Christmas. For once, I just want to be surprised. Last year, I have three smaller things on my list. That's exactly what he got me. Nothing else, nothing that wasn't on the list. I never get anything for my birthday or any other holiday, the best year ever was when he did put some thought into it and got me an under the counter radio/cd player out of the blue. Totally surprising and yet useful.

 

Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with the disappointment. Sorry I really don't mean to sound ungrateful I just would like him to put thought into things.

 

 

I think men thing getting exactly what is on the list is the most loving thing to do, rather than disappoint you. --don't get me wrong, I have one of these myself, but reframing it is helping me see where I go wrong in telling him what I want.

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My 2 cents. You have to train him. My husband came from a father that never celebrated birthdays or anniversaries, so I had to teach him the importance of gift giving and it's the thought that counts.

 

So, I give mine a list with things I truly want and tell he has the choice of getting one, two or all. Some guys simple just don't have the imagination and they think practically, not sentimentally. They need to be told what we like - they aren't good at guessing. You have to be direct about what you want - hints just don't work. Even if it takes the surprise out of the whole thing, the surprise is what he picks off the list.

 

I've learned to appreciate what my husband buys for me no matter what it is, because he made the effort. Gifts are to be treasured because it is the thought that counts.

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Maybe it's better to stick with the list. He probably thinks it's "safe" and that he's doing what you want him to do. One Mother's Day I got a fishing pole (no I did not hint at wanting one nor have we ever been fishing together) and one Christmas I got a snorkel mask and fins. I think that fact that he gets what's on the list could be much better than some "surprises". :)

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My dh sucks at giving gifts. For my birthday he did actually buy me a present this year. About 3 weeks before my birthday he handed me Super Mario Galaxy for the Wii in the Walmart bag. Sadly that is one of his best attempts. He did nothing for the previous birthday and totally forgot our 10 year anniversary.

 

It's hard because I love gifts even if they are small. I buy for everyone including his extended family it doesn't seem like too much to ask that he get something for me on holidays. He actually has gone shopping this year which shocks me because usually he buys some kitchen item at Walmart on the 24th and hands it to me in the bag. The gift he got me though is a Snuggie. He gave it away because I was asking what I should get my mom and he suggested a Snuggie and I thought he was kidding and he said I wasn't going to like my gift.

 

I got him a whole bunch of home brewing stuff I know he'll love. He's a great guy in every other way. He just sucks at gift buying. I'll probably go buy myself something after Christmas. My dad is sending me a Kindle so it's not like I won't have anything to open but I just wish dh would put a little effort into a gift. It doesn't have to be expensive.

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If you wanted him to surprise you, why give him the list? You gave him a list of what you'd like, he got you items on the list. From what you described, it seemed like he was trying to make you happy. If someone gave me a list of what they wanted, I wouldn't feel right buying something that wasn't on the list, kwim. I think you either have to give him the list and be happy if he gets you stuff from the list or tell him you want him to surprise you and don't give him a list.

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In defense of husbands:

 

Wives are incredibly difficult to buy for.

 

The below examples are NOT from my wife (primarily as I enjoy staying alive so would not mention any of my failures in my gift giving) but rather from co-workers.

 

Buy a nice coat and if you bought a size too small it is because "you are trying to send a message" and heaven help you if you buy a size too large.

 

Buy jewelry and it is because you saw it on that 20-something. Further, you should know that that necklace does not go with her hairstyle.

 

Shoes.....ladies men do not notice shoes EVER. Ask us to buy shoes and you may get combat boots, after all they are cool.

 

Purses.....you already have 30!! How does a poor guy chose the one you need now?

 

Movies......what is the matter with Rambo???

 

Dresses or pants (See example 1)

 

 

When you tell us what you want you are disappointed because it took the surprise out of it and when you don't tell us you get upset about all that camping gear and those action adventure movies.

 

Men on the other hand are easy.

 

Any man will be happy with some of the following:

 

Sports gear, good books, electronic stuff for the TV, guns and ammo, fishing reels, stuff for the car or movies. Simple, really it is. There may be other things he would like, but the above list is always a safe bet.

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Because my dh took time to learn this....and I SO appreciate his efforts....we had a good laugh about this video. This comes on the heels of him taking me shopping for my birthday 2 weeks ago to replace my ring and upgrade. He had been secretly saving for a year- WOW- he actually had heard me when I said I'd like to change the style of my ring.

 

 

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Maybe it's better to stick with the list. He probably thinks it's "safe" and that he's doing what you want him to do. One Mother's Day I got a fishing pole (no I did not hint at wanting one nor have we ever been fishing together) and one Christmas I got a snorkel mask and fins. I think that fact that he gets what's on the list could be much better than some "surprises". :)

 

Were the fins your size or his size? ;)

 

Cat

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It's not that difficult pqr. There isn't anyone here who wouldn't be happy with an Amazon voucher. Not only do we get a book, we get the experience of having shopped for the book, and the delight in finding it in our letterbox waiting for us. Then all you have to do is take the kids out for three hours so we can read some uninterrupted.

 

Go on, post a poll and see if there really is anyone here who doesn't think an Amazon voucher is a good present.

 

;)

Rosie

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If you wanted him to surprise you, why give him the list? You gave him a list of what you'd like, he got you items on the list. From what you described, it seemed like he was trying to make you happy. If someone gave me a list of what they wanted, I wouldn't feel right buying something that wasn't on the list, kwim. I think you either have to give him the list and be happy if he gets you stuff from the list or tell him you want him to surprise you and don't give him a list.

 

 

If I don't give him a list, then I would get nothing at all, he just wouldn't shop.

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Well, I shall share what happens in our family and maybe that will make you feel a little bit better. ;)

 

My dh doesn't even buy me presents. Most of the time he is just really busy with work and doesn't have the opportunity to go any where to look for gifts. Other times he just forgets how many days there are until a certain holiday and some times he doesn't remember particular dates (last year he was off by about a day for our anniversary and my birthday).

 

So, I buy my own presents (that are from him) and if I really want to I wrap them as well. The only person who is surprised by the gift I received is him. :lol:

 

I used to care a lot about gift giving, but at some point you need to decide how important gifts are to you. I decided that while gifts are certainly nice there are many more things that have a higher value in my heart.

 

On the flip side, he doesn't care if he even receives a present. Many times we will just tell the other person "Happy birthday" or whatever and that is it. Whenever we are out shopping together he will always encourage me to buy whatever I want, but our shopping excursions are rare since we both hate crowds.

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My husband doesn't give me gifts. I hate to be all materialistic, but it bothers me. I never have anything under the tree from him. This year, he's getting a nook. I'm getting nothing. I'll have gifts from other family and such, but nothing from the one who matters most to me. I feel kind of envious when other women are all, "Oh, my husband surprised me with such-and-such little toy!"

 

I usually spend a little extra money on myself around Christmas and my birthday, just to make myself feel better but it's not really the same...

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Buy a nice coat and if you bought a size too small it is because "you are trying to send a message" and heaven help you if you buy a size too large.

 

Buy jewelry and it is because you saw it on that 20-something. Further, you should know that that necklace does not go with her hairstyle. :lol:

 

Shoes.....ladies men do not notice shoes EVER. Ask us to buy shoes and you may get combat boots, after all they are cool.

 

Purses.....you already have 30!! How does a poor guy chose the one you need now?

 

Movies......what is the matter with Rambo???

 

Dresses or pants (See example 1)

 

 

When you tell us what you want you are disappointed because it took the surprise out of it and when you don't tell us you get upset about all that camping gear and those action adventure movies.

 

Men on the other hand are easy.

 

Any man will be happy with some of the following:

 

Sports gear, good books, electronic stuff for the TV, guns and ammo, fishing reels, stuff for the car or movies. Simple, really it is. There may be other things he would like, but the above list is always a safe bet.

 

:lol: These are funny. You and my husband must think alike because I always get a gift that will be "great for our camping trips."

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I have taken all the gift giving responsibility away from dh. He is very hit and miss. He can go either way. NO gift at all or a very expensive, elaborate gift. It makes it very hard to know what to expect. It is hard to wake up on Christmas morning without any idea if you are going to be wow'd or left out all together.

 

The last time I didn't have a Christmas gift at all (a few years ago), he said it was because I worked too much in the weeks before Christmas and that he didn't get a chance to shop because of it. ( I have worked since the day we met so this wasn't a new concept) I loved the fact that he blamed it on me soooooo much that I told him that from then on, I would buy my own gifts. Then, if he decided to take the time to buy me a gift (maybe even planning ahead or shopping online), it would just be an extra wonderful day and not so disappointing. Part of my annoyance is that dh doesn't work in an office everyday. He works in his market which is stores like Fred Myer, Costco, Target, Walmart etc. It was a very, very lousy excuse.

 

I am picky but love appliances and practical gifts and don't take things personally if he doesn't get the right style or size, I just exchange if necessary.

 

 

This year I bought 2 Denby serving dishes, a beautiful bowl from Italy and a practical bowl that matches a set I already have. I know I will love these wonderful gifts that 'he' bought me this year. LOL

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Okay, if I get started on this I might be going to bed too late. Seriously, I think my dh has to win the award for THE WORST gift giver. We never have much money. Even less through the winter months. I get it it. I swear I do. I don't expect much. But something, something with a little thought would be nice. Either one actually. I often get neither. Here is some of our history:

 

Dh: "Just get yourself something." :001_huh:

 

When I have complained he says something like, "You know I don't like all that kind of stuff "(gift giving, etc.) ....Yes, but *I* do.

 

One year for my birthday a friend decided to step in and help. We talked and she asked me what I wanted. I couldn't even come up with something so I said something like "even a magazine I like would be nice." She called him and had to remind him of when my birthday was and then give him a clue about what I might like. To his credit (or maybe not) he hasn't seem to have forgotten the word "magazine" and I have gotten this gift a couple of times. This year he gave me something like Good Housekeeping or Vogue. Can't recall. Even ds looked at it and said, "That doesn't look like anything you would be interested in."

 

I have on several occasions gotten a card. We have been together 18 years!

 

Once in awhile I have asked for something very specific. Usually I get the "you know I don't do presents" response.

 

Last year I went out and bought myself a new coffee maker because I needed one and knew I wouldn't get it otherwise. Dh said, "that's just what I was planning to get you!" Ummm......somehow me thinkest not.

 

 

I am not materialistic. That is not the issue. I would just like some kind of recognition of a day--birthday, Christmas, Valentines. And definitely a little thought. Buy myself something??? Wow, honey, how did you think of it? It's just what I wanted.:tongue_smilie:

 

I love my dh too. My rant is over. Just want to send you a sympathetic :grouphug:. Can't we write a script.

Okay dh's first line will be......maybe nothing. Maybe he quietly slips a little gift box onto the tree. Or puts up an extra surprise stocking.

Dh: "Look, honey, I think Santa left you something this year!"

Or maybe, "You do so much for the rest of us, and I wanted to find some way to express how much you mean to me. It took me a long time to figure this out, but this is really from my heart." Dh looks down. Quietly hands beautifully wrapped gift to Dw.

OR.....when dh and dw are alone together, dh says "there is nothing I can give you that is as wonderful as you, but I hope this is something you will enjoy."

 

Hope you have a wonderful holiday anyway. Take care.

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Haven't read the others yet. My dh is the same way.

 

I give him a specific list. But I also tell him, "And get me one thing not on the list." He'll get me things on the list that I know I'll like, and then the last gift is a gamble. I might like it, I might not, but at least he tried.

 

And I also remind him to get me stocking stuffers from the Dollar Store. No reason that I should be the only person with a limp stocking on Christmas morning.

 

We've been married 18 years, and this is what I've learned to do to avoid being disappointed on Christmas morning. It is important to me to receive SOMEthing on Christmas.

 

There was the year that he didn't get me anything for Mother's Day, Christmas, or my Birthday. There was no reason for it. He just didn't bother. I'll NEVER let that happen again. I need to get a small something on those holidays or I feel neglected and unloved. (I had asked for a box of Milk Duds for Mother's Day, so it wasn't about the money or me being greedy.)

 

Other than these missteps with gift giving, my DH is a wonderful man.

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Ironically they would be OK for either of us. :D

 

Probably that fishing pole was something he might have liked, too, so that's why he picked it out for you.

 

No, really, that was why.... ;) :D

 

Perhaps this year, you can get him a nice Sephora gift card for Christmas. ;)

 

Cat

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My husband is not the best gift giver. One thing that has helped is having daughters! My oldest is getting really good at helping him pick out stuff. We don't do extravagant gifts for each other anymore because we usually can't afford it, but if he is going shopping, I name a few things I would like. Several years we have taken each other shopping. That was really nice! I can tell he is making progress though because for my birthday a few weeks ago, he bought me a GIANT jar of Nutella. :D

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Some of these responses are cracking me up. But to the OP, do you have a friend who could step in and help your husband shop? Or does he have a sister or mother-in-law? Somewhere, there has to be a female who could and would love to be of assistance.

 

Terri

 

Our children are getting old enough that they could probably help him. My MIL lives in another state, as does my SIL as well. We have no family nearby. I just can't see him asking another lady for help.

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My husband doesn't give me gifts. I hate to be all materialistic, but it bothers me. I never have anything under the tree from him. This year, he's getting a nook. I'm getting nothing. I'll have gifts from other family and such, but nothing from the one who matters most to me. I feel kind of envious when other women are all, "Oh, my husband surprised me with such-and-such little toy!"

 

I usually spend a little extra money on myself around Christmas and my birthday, just to make myself feel better but it's not really the same...

 

I can relate to you here. Mine doesn't either. He usually tells me if I want something to just go buy it.

 

Now he has surprised me with flower and house plants before, but nothing else.

 

Now no one really gets me anything around the holidays or my birthday. My daughter always gets me something, but not any of the rest of my family. I have learned to live with it. That is just how it is. Now I would not trade anything in the world for a different family, they are all mine and I love them.

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