Jean in Newcastle Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 (edited) There was a local homeschool event that a friend and I wanted to go to. My friend was complaining that they did not have the funds to pay the entrance fee but really wanted to go. Money is pretty tight for us but I scraped up enough to pay the fee for her and her kids. She knows that money is tight. We got to the event and then she and her kids proceeded to go to the gift shop to spend their money (which was more than the entrance fee even cost!) We stayed away from the gift shop because I had absolutely no money left to spend even for a snack for us. I feel horribly used. Since some people don't read all the way through I'll add what I typed a couple of pages later: OK - this is why I haven't said anything and feel a bit reluctant to do so. Give me feedback as to if my thinking is screwy. I offered the money knowing that (because of other things she's told me) they often do not make good money decisions. I did not (obviously!) grill her on how much money she was budgeting for different things. So while I paid with the clear understanding that I was providing financial help that was needed, I also offered the help free of any strings. So I feel that if I were to now object, that somehow I were attaching strings to the gift after the fact. Does that make sense? Edited October 19, 2010 by Jean in Newcastle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenhwyfar Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 ugh. it was very sweet of you to do that for her & her kids. :001_wub: ...and sucky of her to go spending in the gift shop. (i could understand the kids maybe - if they had saved their own personal allowance/bday$/etc and were using that... but it doesn't sound like that was the situation?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in WA Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Ohhh. Ouch. :grouphug: I'd feel pretty used as well. Sidenote: How is your dd's wrist? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 18, 2010 Author Share Posted October 18, 2010 ugh. it was very sweet of you to do that for her & her kids. :001_wub: ...and sucky of her to go spending in the gift shop. (i could understand the kids maybe - if they had saved their own personal allowance/bday$/etc and were using that... but it doesn't sound like that was the situation?) She told me that she gave each child x amount of money to spend for fun. So no it wasn't money that the kids has saved up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 There was a local homeschool event that a friend and I wanted to go to. My friend was complaining that they did not have the funds to pay the entrance fee but really wanted to go. Money is pretty tight for us but I scraped up enough to pay the fee for her and her kids. She knows that money is tight. We got to the event and then she and her kids proceeded to go to the gift shop to spend their money (which was more than the entrance fee even cost!) We stayed away from the gift shop because I had absolutely no money left to spend even for a snack for us. I feel horribly used. GRRRRR!!! Why do people do cr@p like that??? UGH!!! This is why I stay home...or just go on trips with my own kids. I hate that crud! :grouphug::grouphug: Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 18, 2010 Author Share Posted October 18, 2010 Ohhh. Ouch. :grouphug: I'd feel pretty used as well. Sidenote: How is your dd's wrist? Thanks for the hug. We go to the Dr. tomorrow to have the hand checked. Her wrist feels better but her thumb is still pretty bruised and sore. I guess she must have really injured it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wendi Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 I would have been steamed. I guess you'll avoid outings with this friend in the future. Wendi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Oh, dear, that just stinks! How very rude of her. Just remember not to do it the next time she whines about finances :mad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 I would recheck the meaning of "friend", and I, usually the person who non-confronts in social settings, would actually say something. I would also warn anyone else who might get duped this way. What a horrible lesson for her kids! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Wow, that is annoying and incredibly rude!! I'm sorry she treated you that way. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 That is so wrong! I'd be rethinking that 'friendship'. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Some people are just..amazing. Sorry she used you that way. What a jerk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 18, 2010 Author Share Posted October 18, 2010 Oh, dear, that just stinks! How very rude of her. Just remember not to do it the next time she whines about finances :mad: In other ways she's an incredibly generous person - with her time, concern etc. I'm feeling a bit raw right now but I will get over it. But I will not offer financial help again. If we go anywhere it will be definitely dutch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renthead Mommy Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Think of it this way. You did something good - so good karma for you and, well, her karma will eventually bit her in the butt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 18, 2010 Author Share Posted October 18, 2010 Well maybe in her mind, not having enough money means not having the money for the entrance fee and the gift shop. She might think buying some crap at the gift shop is important. Maybe it is something she has always done. I know people like this. Of course it is pretty weird that she didn't grasp the concept of accepting money to pay for the entrance fee while in fact having the money for the fee. I have a feeling that this is exactly how she was thinking. It's not how I would think though. But, oh well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenhwyfar Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 ugh. it was very sweet of you to do that for her & her kids. :001_wub: ...and sucky of her to go spending in the gift shop. (i could understand the kids maybe - if they had saved their own personal allowance/bday$/etc and were using that... but it doesn't sound like that was the situation?) She told me that she gave each child x amount of money to spend for fun. So no it wasn't money that the kids has saved up. blah. not cool. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Think of it this way. You did something good - so good karma for you and, well, her karma will eventually bit her in the butt! I like this :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenhwyfar Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 That is so wrong! I'd be rethinking that 'friendship'. :( In other ways she's an incredibly generous person - with her time, concern etc. I'm feeling a bit raw right now but I will get over it. But I will not offer financial help again. If we go anywhere it will be definitely dutch. yeah i wouldn't necessarily write the friendship off if everything is generally good between you guys ~ people do stupid things sometimes. i've unintentionally hurt friends before by not thinking something through and have had friends do the same to me. i'd prolly let it go for a bit and then decide if it was something that i thought needed to be talked about or something that could swept up as "ok, friend did stupid thing, let's hope it was a one-off." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Well maybe in her mind, not having enough money means not having the money for the entrance fee and the gift shop. She might think buying some crap at the gift shop is important. Maybe it is something she has always done. I know people like this. I knew someone who thought like this. She said she liked to let her kids get a little something at the gift shop. It was usually something small, like a pen. But, while finances were definitely tight for them, she never complained about not having the money to pay entry fees. She just factored that into her overall cost for the outing. Cinder Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 She just sounds completely clueless. If she was deliberately using you, she'd probably try to hide the fact that she actually had the money. When you offered to pay, did she know you were doing it because you thought she couldn't go otherwise? Is it possible she just thought you were being nice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 (edited) Now that is something I would talk to my friend about. It's just not right. She needs to get a clue. If I didn't talk to one of my friends about something like is, I'd be angry and the friendship would be on the rocks. That's why I think it is better to confront and clear things up as I go along. Edited October 19, 2010 by RoughCollie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 18, 2010 Author Share Posted October 18, 2010 She just sounds completely clueless. If she was deliberately using you, she'd probably try to hide the fact that she actually had the money. When you offered to pay, did she know you were doing it because you thought she couldn't go otherwise? Is it possible she just thought you were being nice? No, she knew that I thought she couldn't go otherwise. She was/is having trouble paying bills etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delaney Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Oh that is the biggest crock! I would just confront her and ask for the $$ back. I had that happen once when I was teaching. The girl couldn't afford the money to go on a full day trip but when we got to the gift shop she whipped out $25! WTH? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Now that is something I would talk to my friend about. It's just not right. She needs to get a clue. Yes, I concur that speaking up about this would be beneficial for all. If it had been me, I would have called her out on it right then and there but in a light and humorous manner. So sorry! Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Think of it this way. You did something good - so good karma for you and, well, her karma will eventually bit her in the butt! :iagree: This. I'm one of those people that always wants to get a little something from the gift shop on a trip. But you know, it would never cross my mind to have someone else pay the fee and then spend money on gifts, that's extremely rude and selfish. We've had times when a photo and a brochure was our gift for that trip. I'm sorry but as a real friend she should have offered you the fee money back before allowing the kids to shop. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 Oh wow. I can't even fathom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 No, she knew that I thought she couldn't go otherwise. She was/is having trouble paying bills etc. No doubt, if she's spending money she doesn't have on trinkets in a gift shop! In your position, I'd keep some distance at this point in time if you don't want to have a conversation with her. Not getting anything for your kids at the gift shop, while leaving you in a position unable to do so for your own, is flat out M-E-A-N to do to someone's children! Seems like someone needs to put her straight, and it doesn't sound as if you want to be the one to do it. (Nor am I implying you should be the one.) So, that's why I suggest some distance. Preserve the acquaintanceship, but don't kid yourself that this is a true friendship at this point in time. Anyway, :grouphug: to you. Reminds me of the old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." Which is usually wrong, but stings so much when it does apply. :grouphug: again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 18, 2010 Share Posted October 18, 2010 That's not nice. Did she realize that your children were not able to shop? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 18, 2010 Author Share Posted October 18, 2010 That's not nice. Did she realize that your children were not able to shop? Yes. We didn't make a big deal out of it but it was a bit obvious because her kids asked my kids about it and they just truthfully said that we'd spent all out money on getting into the event. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matryoshka Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 I would be steamed. If that happened to me, and I considered her a friend I in any way wanted to keep, I think I'd just have to say something. I probably would've gone up to her at the register, given her an incredulous look and said told her "I thought you said you had no money - that's why I agreed to pay for you, even though it was a hardship for me. If you're going to play me for a fool, you could at least have the decency not to rub it in my face." And then I'd expect an abject apology of how she didn't realize blah blah blah. And if that weren't forthcoming, or if I weren't comfortable enough with the friendship to do that, that would probably be the end of it - I have no interest in being friends with someone who uses me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepymommy Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 I would be terribly upset by this. So sorry your friend didn't grasp the wrong in this. I would either let this go and think of it as a lesson learned or just come right out with it to your friend. If she's a good friend she'll take your words to heart and hopefully apologize, sometimes we just need to get things off of our chest. If the gift shop thing is important to them, then it still seems wrong in that they didn't buy anything (even something small) from the gift shop for your kids as a small thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 19, 2010 Author Share Posted October 19, 2010 OK - this is why I haven't said anything and feel a bit reluctant to do so. Give me feedback as to if my thinking is screwy. I offered the money knowing that (because of other things she's told me) they often do not make good money decisions. I did not (obviously!) grill her on how much money she was budgeting for different things. So while I paid with the clear understanding that I was providing financial help that was needed, I also offered the help free of any strings. So I feel that if I were to now object, that somehow I were attaching strings to the gift after the fact. Does that make sense? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 Wow. I think I'd feel a bit put upon as well. I'd chalk it up to a lesson learned but not say anything to her about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 Wow. She let you pay and then brought money to shop? That's. ummmmm. inappropriate, in my opinion.... I'd feel used, too.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2denj Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 Boy, some people have no class!!! Sorry this happened to you. It is hard when "friends" do things like this!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 OK - this is why I haven't said anything and feel a bit reluctant to do so. Give me feedback as to if my thinking is screwy. I offered the money knowing that (because of other things she's told me) they often do not make good money decisions. I did not (obviously!) grill her on how much money she was budgeting for different things. So while I paid with the clear understanding that I was providing financial help that was needed, I also offered the help free of any strings. So I feel that if I were to now object, that somehow I were attaching strings to the gift after the fact. Does that make sense? I understand your thinking. OTOH, you paid with the understanding that she didn't have that money--and she did. She lied to you, as far as I can tell. Lying is a problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 OK - this is why I haven't said anything and feel a bit reluctant to do so. Give me feedback as to if my thinking is screwy. I offered the money knowing that (because of other things she's told me) they often do not make good money decisions. I did not (obviously!) grill her on how much money she was budgeting for different things. So while I paid with the clear understanding that I was providing financial help that was needed, I also offered the help free of any strings. So I feel that if I were to now object, that somehow I were attaching strings to the gift after the fact. Does that make sense? If it was a relationship I valued or felt some mentoring obligation too...I would address it. I would do so with the knowledge that the relationship would probly never be the same. In essence I would be doing it for her future friends. I think this can be done very graciously, but truthfully...especially if you do this in a kind and gentle spirit, the discomfort she feels my be too much for her to feel okay around you again. Sometimes, I have to ask myself a few questions... 1. Do I want to maintain this relationship...if so at what cost, and will I be able to let this go? 2. Do I, in my case as a pw, have an obligation to help her...or other people who may fall pray to this behavior? 3. Is it worth it? Hope that helps! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 I understand your thinking. OTOH, you paid with the understanding that she didn't have that money--and she did. She lied to you, as far as I can tell. Lying is a problem. Unfortunately, :iagree: 100% with this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 Wow, I'd feel pretty ticked off about that! I can see going either way with this- pointing out to her how you feel if you need to clear the air- or letting it go, if you feel it would just cause drama you don't want to cause considering you want to salvage the relationship and you feel she's a good friend in other ways. But I would absolutely never, ever help her with finances in any way again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnieB Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 Yep, I'd feel very used....but there really isn't much you can do about this time. Chalk it up to a random act of kindness and accept that you did a good thing...they did a bad thing in return. But...in the future....I'd be going to events without the friends and using that money for my own family. I like to think of myself as a generous person....but I don't do well when I've been so blatantly taken advantage of, so that would be the end of my generosity with this family. My DH is reading over my shoulder and said "sheesh at least they could have waited and spent that money on themselves somewhere outside of your vision." Ummm, I don't think he's gettng the point, lol. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 No, she knew that I thought she couldn't go otherwise. She was/is having trouble paying bills etc. Yes. We didn't make a big deal out of it but it was a bit obvious because her kids asked my kids about it and they just truthfully said that we'd spent all out money on getting into the event. Then I can't fathom how she could do what she did. I don't think you are obligated, but you would be doing her a huge favor by explaining to her how you felt about what she did. If a friend did that to me, it would change my perception of her big time. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 There are so many things that could be said to her along the way but if you can, let it go. You gave it and it's over and you won't be doing that again! I would be ranting for my family until I calmed down. I'm sorry this happened. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 My DH is reading over my shoulder and said "sheesh at least they could have waited and spent that money on themselves somewhere outside of your vision." LOL, well, he was right. The blatancy of it would have bothered me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosehaven Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 You did a wonderful deed for your friend, never regret it. Now, learn from this as there are people who will say they are broke and then there are people who are truly broke. God bless to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 Then I can't fathom how she could do what she did. I don't think you are obligated, but you would be doing her a huge favor by explaining to her how you felt about what she did. If a friend did that to me, it would change my perception of her big time. :( :iagree::iagree::iagree: I think you should consider talking with the woman and explain your feelings, as it will be hard to continue a friendship with her when you're secretly seething at her. (Well, ok, you're nicer than I am, so maybe you're not actually seething... but I still think you should lay your cards on the table and let her know how annoyed you were that your own kids couldn't even buy souvenirs because you'd spent all of your money on her and her family... and then they turned out to have plenty of cash.) The woman blatantly used you, with no regard for your feelings or your finances. She shouldn't get away with it without being called out on it. Perhaps if you embarrass her a little, she'll think twice before taking advantage of the next person. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 19, 2010 Author Share Posted October 19, 2010 :iagree::iagree::iagree: I think you should consider talking with the woman and explain your feelings, as it will be hard to continue a friendship with her when you're secretly seething at her. (Well, ok, you're nicer than I am, so maybe you're not actually seething... but I still think you should lay your cards on the table and let her know how annoyed you were that your own kids couldn't even buy souvenirs because you'd spent all of your money on her and her family... and then they turned out to have plenty of cash.) The woman blatantly used you, with no regard for your feelings or your finances. She shouldn't get away with it without being called out on it. Perhaps if you embarrass her a little, she'll think twice before taking advantage of the next person. Cat Well, I'm cheap enough that we wouldn't have bought souvenirs. But I'm hungry enough that we would have bought a snack.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 Well, I'm cheap enough that we wouldn't have bought souvenirs. But I'm hungry enough that we would have bought a snack.;) And that is one reason you had the money to give. You did a nice thing, so try to let that good feeling wash over you. Her children had an experience they would not have had without your kindness. Perhaps her children learned something when they were told by yours why they did not buy anything in the gift shop. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoPlaceLikeHome Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeidiKC Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 As a few others said, I am guessing she is totally clueless on this. Although it's hard to understand that! So I would definitely talk with her about it, not in a confrontational way, of course, but letting her know this has really upset or bothered you or whatever. Ask her if she does not see how this was such a bum deal for you and your kids! Sorry this happened to you. Pretty shocking, really! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted October 19, 2010 Share Posted October 19, 2010 (edited) Her behavior is hard to fathom. Did she not get it that it was a sacrifice for you to pay for the fees for her and her children resulting in you not being able to purchase snacks for your own children ? Maybe she really did not realize that spending money on her and her children had any effect on your family. But either way, for her to tell you she could not afford to go and than let you pay the fees for her only to spend money in the gift shop is odd. Is she one of those people who are addicted to shopping, like a drug ? I see you said in your first post that "she knows money is tight". Are you sure she knows money is tight ? Some people, unless you come right out and bluntly tell them somethings, they just don't get it. I'm wondering if she is the kind of person who doesn't mind if people spend money they don't have and just figures if you want something put it on a credit card. Maybe she figures if you wanted snacks that day, no problem, put it on a credit card whether you can afford it or not. :tongue_smilie: Edited October 19, 2010 by Miss Sherry Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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