Furious--and don't know what to do. Son getting drug texts on MY phone

[Chris in VA]

So ds has been using my phone until he gets his own cell--which ends TODAY.

He is at school right now--he left my phone home. I hear it buzz and see there's a text, so of course I look.

It's from "Kate" whom I do not know--her number is in the contacts, so he does know her.

She says

"I got some good @ss dank"

 

(Dank is slang for strong marijuana.)

 

This po'd me. So I wrote her back--"Great."

Then I called her.

I asked for Kate, but she hung up, then texted me

that she didn't even know a Peter, wasn't Kate, and meant to text "Patrick."

 

I am so sick of this carp.

 

Anybody ever had to kick a kid out of the house?

[mommaduck]

I only have hugs for you :( no advice, I'm sorry.

[Karen in CO]

I didn't kick a kid out, but I did start drug testing my kid. I told him I had zero tolerance for that, especially with younger kids in the house. I threatened eviction on the next failed test.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Some times it seems that our kids are more than we can bear.

[Jennifer in MI]

I'm so sorry you're going through this again. Is it at all possible that he's innocent in this? I pray so.

 

My mom and dad had to kick my brother out for alcohol use. It was horrible. Still is. But, they don't regret the decision. If you want, I'm sure they'd be willing to talk with you about it.

:grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm sorry, Chris. I'm sure you had some qualifications on him being home? - no drugs, obey the law etc? I think you're going to have to enforce them for his own sake even if he won't see that right now. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

THanks for the commiseration.

 

No, he's not innocent.

 

We'll be talking when he gets home this afternoon.

[Impish]

You could report her to the cops for dealing.

 

Other than that, I have nothing but :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

I only have her cell number, not even her last name--

 

I just yelled at my son on the phone (he used someone else's).

 

Not a good day.

[bzymom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Sometimes they break our hearts. I agree with the drug testing recommendation. Let him know this will be part of the deal for him to enjoy the privilege of living with you.

[Scarlett]

I only have her cell number, not even her last name--

 

I just yelled at my son on the phone (he used someone else's).

 

Not a good day.

 

 

 

Tough love is tough Chris.

 

My only child is only 10 so I am not qualified to offer advice...only :grouphug::grouphug:

 

My mom did kick my brother out when he was 18 for his total lack of respect for her rules/values/morals. He is 40 now and still thinks she did the right thing. His best friend, (whose mother kept on supporting him through years of alcohol and drug abuse) died last summer of a heart attack---complications from drug abuse.

[Chris in VA]

Tough love is tough Chris.

 

My only child is only 10 so I am not qualified to offer advice...only :grouphug::grouphug:

 

My mom did kick my brother out when he was 18 for his total lack of respect for her rules/values/morals. He is 40 now and still thinks she did the right thing. His best friend, (whose mother kept on supporting him through years of alcohol and drug abuse) died last summer of a heart attack---complications from drug abuse.

 

Ds has a friend whose parent is in the Moms-Who-Enable club. He'll probably die of liver disease because he already has cirrhosis and is still drinking, and he's only 19. I don't want to join that one.

 

I'm glad you have a success story to share.

[iluvmy4blessings]

No advice but my daughter is driving me nuts too so I sympathize!

[Chris in VA]

Hahaha--we are posting on each other's threads! Many hugs.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::glare:

[starwarsmomma]

I was surrounded by friends who smoke, drank, did drugs, yet I never even considered touching the stuff.

 

I would consider doing the drug test and THEN depending on the results, decide what to do. There's a slight chance he could be innocent?

[bookfiend]

This was my family 30 years ago. My brother was introduced to drugs by the cool neighbor with the fast car. We were the naive Christians in private school who lived four houses down. How I wish, wish, wish my parents had taken a hard line when they found out. However, they made excuses, bailed him out, lived by the "you'll always have a home" code. Today, at 45 - he has NO LIFE, hasn't worked in a decade and uses crack.

 

It is the heartbreak of our family. My Mom lives with guilt; my Dad died thinking he failed. Even when we can rationally acknowledge that he makes his own life choices now, there is still guilt and a sense of failure.

 

There will be repurcussions for whatever choice you make, and there certainly aren't easy answers. :grouphug:

 

Edit - after reading Sailor Mom. That cool neighbor was just giving out pot - brother found the hard stuff on his own after that.

 

Recognizing that I don't have any objectivity on the subject of minors and drug use and am not interested in opening a debate.

Edited September 8, 2010 by bookfiend
read other post

[Impish]

You can still give her name and cell # to the police. She needs to be looked out for, as well as your son, in terms of the path they're walking. Not to mention all the other kids she's dealing to.

 

I'd make the call. Then again, I also called the police and reported several under 14 kids drinking at the park across from me in the middle of the afternoon. Not everyone agrees that I should have, but for me, saying nothing is being complacent in the situation, and I couldn't be and still have Diva understand how serious the situation is.

[SailorMom]

OK - I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle...

Bear in mind - I don't think it is ever ok to break the law. Even when I speed on the highway - I know I deserve the ticket if I get caught. I have never smoked pot because it has always been illegal. My DH is in the AF and of course, we could never use the stuff for that reason as well. I also lecture my kids constantly about the dangers of drugs - including pot - and would not want my DS's to read this.....

 

That being said - I think pot is a lot healthier than smoking or drinking - and not the end of the world for a 20 something to use occasionally. Both of my parents were alcoholics and died at 49 and 50 - I wish they had picked pot instead.

 

I don't necesarrily think that smoking pot is the end of the world - especially since he is an adult. There are many people who are very successful individuals that smoked a lot of pot in their younger days. In fact - most of the very successful (non-military) adults I know (doctors, lawyers, psychologists) all joke about their pot smoking days. I almost feel like I missed out on something :)

 

I think you need to come at this from a less panicked place. Obviously - as the parent - you need to say "no way - not in my house" etc, etc. But calmly - and explain to him rationally why (not just - drugs will kill you, they are evil - that won't work anyway).

 

Some good points to make:

 

They are illegal, and you and your husband could get in trouble with the law if they are found in your house.

You do not want your son arrested.

You are afraid it might lead to further drug use, etc.

 

Is he working? Doing well in school? Keeping up with his responsibilites around the house? Or is the pot a symptom of using other drugs as well? All of this should be considered.

 

You can certainly threaten to kick him out - simply because you don't want any of that around you or your younger kids - but don't treat him as if he were a felon or a crack addict, please. He may listen to you more if you react this way.

 

Good luck -

 

:grouphug:

Edited September 8, 2010 by SailorMom

[ma23peas]

what you do now and how you do it can have a large impact on the direction your son takes...inhale...exhale....inhale...and ACT!!!

 

I would be SHOCKED, absolutely SHOCKED by the actions today...I would DEMAND that he takes you to her house and you both sit down and have a chat with her parents...no screaming, yelling, just firm old fashioned...what were you thinking? I would demand some truths...at this point you don't trust them much...ask them who he has smoked pot with...get names...call them...tell them that you are on a fact finding mission and your son has given you answers, but you need back up...be honest with how many times your son has smoked with them...if their answers match up (make sure he has no access to phone/computer) while you're doing this...then you have a starting point to build some trust...I think it is important to bring all these other kids into the fold b/c that is where he is running to...if they know you are serious about this, they would be less likely to aid and may even question their level of drug use...if they're thugs, he's better off without them...

 

You are entitled to these answers...if he balks and doesn't want to be responsible..then he has every right to move out of the house (is he 18 or older)....my rules, my house...your transgressions, my punishment....

 

The main key is to watch your anger...don't let all those feelings of "how could you do this?" come up and slap you as you talk!

 

You've got options momma...be strong, be firm..and know above all you're doing it out of love for him not out of anger at him.

 

Tara

[MamaT]

Chris, no advice because I haven't been there. I think you have walked this path long enough with him to know what is the right thing to do. I just wanted to send you :grouphug:. I'll be praying for you.

[Michelle in AL]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Many hugs, I know the pain of addiction in those you love too well. I can only imagine the pain is worse with children.

[Old Dominion Heather]

Could you tell him if he wants to stay at the house he will have to have:

 

1. drug testing

2. no druggie friends

 

If he doesn't want to do those things, you guys will have him leave?

 

I'm really sorry you guys are going throught this. If I remember correctly, he has had some problems in the past, so going easy on him probably is not an option for you.

 

Have you read the book Parenting with Love and Logic? You might want to read it if you haven't. It will make you feel better about the tough love thing.

[MariannNOVA]

No advice - :grouphug::grouphug: and prayers.

[Scarlett]

OK - I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle...

Bear in mind - I don't think it is ever ok to break the law. Even when I speed on the highway - I know I deserve the ticket if I get caught. I have never smoked pot because it has always been illegal. My DH is in the AF and of course, we could never use the stuff for that reason as well. I also lecture my kids constantly about the dangers of drugs - including pot - and would not want my DS's to read this.....

 

That being said - I think pot is a lot healthier than smoking or drinking - and not the end of the world for a 20 something to use occasionally. Both of my parents were alcoholics and died at 49 and 50 - I wish they had picked pot instead.

 

I don't necesarrily think that smoking pot is the end of the world - especially since he is an adult. There are many people who are very successful individuals that smoked a lot of pot in their younger days. In fact - most of the very successful (non-military) adults I know (doctors, lawyers, psychologists) all joke about their pot smoking days. I almost feel like I missed out on something :)

 

I think you need to come at this from a less panicked place. Obviously - as the parent - you need to say "no way - not in my house" etc, etc. But calmly - and explain to him rationally why (not just - drugs will kill you, they are evil - that won't work anyway).

 

Some good points to make:

 

They are illegal, and you and your husband could get in trouble with the law if they are found in your house.

You do not want your son arrested.

You are afraid it might lead to further drug use, etc.

 

Is he working? Doing well in school? Keeping up with his responsibilites around the house? Or is the pot a symptom of using other drugs as well? All of this should be considered.

 

You can certainly threaten to kick him out - simply because you don't want any of that around you or your younger kids - but don't treat him as if he were a felon or a crack addict, please. He may listen to you more if you react this way.

 

Good luck -

 

:grouphug:

 

There is a long history with Chris' son involving drug use. It isn't this one incident nor do I think this one drug. She has been going through this with him for YEARS. And he is only 20.

 

Not trying to speak for Chris....but I can see her one post here does't really tell the whole story.

[Laurie4b]

OK - I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle...

Bear in mind - I don't think it is ever ok to break the law. Even when I speed on the highway - I know I deserve the ticket if I get caught. I have never smoked pot because it has always been illegal. My DH is in the AF and of course, we could never use the stuff for that reason as well. I also lecture my kids constantly about the dangers of drugs - including pot - and would not want my DS's to read this.....

 

That being said - I think pot is a lot healthier than smoking or drinking - and not the end of the world for a 20 something to use occasionally. Both of my parents were alcoholics and died at 49 and 50 - I wish they had picked pot instead.

 

I don't necesarrily think that smoking pot is the end of the world - especially since he is an adult. There are many people who are very successful individuals that smoked a lot of pot in their younger days. In fact - most of the very successful (non-military) adults I know (doctors, lawyers, psychologists) all joke about their pot smoking days. I almost feel like I missed out on something :)

 

I think you need to come at this from a less panicked place. Obviously - as the parent - you need to say "no way - not in my house" etc, etc. But calmly - and explain to him rationally why (not just - drugs will kill you, they are evil - that won't work anyway).

 

Some good points to make:

 

They are illegal, and you and your husband could get in trouble with the law if they are found in your house.

You do not want your son arrested.

You are afraid it might lead to further drug use, etc.

 

Is he working? Doing well in school? Keeping up with his responsibilites around the house? Or is the pot a symptom of using other drugs as well? All of this should be considered.

 

You can certainly threaten to kick him out - simply because you don't want any of that around you or your younger kids - but don't treat him as if he were a felon or a crack addict, please. He may listen to you more if you react this way.

 

Good luck -

 

:grouphug:

 

This kid has struggled with drugs; been in treatment, etc. It's not a one-time thing, IIRC.

[Laurie4b]

Do you have a drug counselor you could call for advise?

[Cindy in NY]

I have been there. I'm not a frequent poster but I have followed your struggles in the past, they closely mirror my own with my oldest. We did have to ask him to leave the house when he was almost 19. It was incredibly hard and I could have handled it better, but I don't regret it.

 

Our struggles continue but at least it is not in my face every day. I'll pray for you.:grouphug:

[JVA]

Yes- we did have to 'kick' a child out. Broke my heart but it was necessary. He knew the rules and broke them- it wasn't related to drugs.

 

His choices only got worse- he's a poor judge of character and a follower - and he fell in with a bad group. He lived in filth, made very little money waiting tables, got a DUI, (who knows what else besides alcohol he dabbled in) and eventually came around somewhat. He asked to move back home, acknowledging that he'd broken the rules and that this time he was going to honor us and them. He did move home (after MUCH talking between my dh and me) and actually did pretty well, considering.

 

He doesn't live today like we'd like him to but he's across the country, nearly 30, and supporting himself. Do I wish he was doing better? - of course. One thing I learned was to improve and maintain a relationship with him- albeit, somewhat strained at times. He knows he is loved and gets lots of encouragement for the good things we hear about. He is industrious- put in a large garden in his backyard and is raising chickens for their meat and eggs- freelances with companies in his city and stays pretty regularly employed - has good relationships with his sibs and frequently tells us he loves us. He knows he is important to the family eventhough he enjoys calling himself the 'black sheep'.

 

Because I know God is sovereign and loves my son, I have peace about what He is doing in my ds' life. My job is to support the good things he's involved with, point him in the right direction (if he asks- and SOMETIMES he DOES) and always affirm my unconditional love for him. He is prayed for every day and I trust good things are ahead.

[JudoMom]

Oh, Chris. No advice, but :grouphug:.

[SailorMom]

Oh, sorry - I wasn't aware of the history....

[KidsHappen]

Anybody ever had to kick a kid out of the house?

 

Yes, I had to tell my son he had to move out for many of the same reason plus additional more serious ones. That led to him taking my van, leaving the state and falling off the radar for three years during which I had no contact with him and had no idea if he was dead or alive. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Unfortunately, not even that set him on the right path. It just led to depression, self-loathing, inability to straighten himself out and get on the right track. It wasn't until he fell in love and the girl got pregnant that he started taking responisibilty for himself and his actions. He is currently serving 5 days in jail and then he will be free with all of his legal obligations met and no outstanding problems. He and his SO live together and are raising the baby and plan to get married before the end of the year. He is working and they are making a living (just barely, but they are just starting out). As you can see in my siggy he is 27 almost 28 years old. It has been a very long, hard road. I am somewhat relieved but I am still cautious and hopeful about the future. I know what you are going through and how terribly hard it is. My heart aches for your and the pain you are going through. You know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. :grouphug:

[Parrothead]

I'm so sorry, Chris. :grouphug:

[LG Gone Wild]

I've got troublesome siblings like your ds so...:grouphug:.

 

Wish there were answers for all in these situations.

[Audrey]

So ds has been using my phone until he gets his own cell--which ends TODAY.

He is at school right now--he left my phone home. I hear it buzz and see there's a text, so of course I look.

It's from "Kate" whom I do not know--her number is in the contacts, so he does know her.

She says

"I got some good @ss dank"

 

(Dank is slang for strong marijuana.)

 

This po'd me. So I wrote her back--"Great."

Then I called her.

I asked for Kate, but she hung up, then texted me

that she didn't even know a Peter, wasn't Kate, and meant to text "Patrick."

 

I am so sick of this carp.

 

Anybody ever had to kick a kid out of the house?

 

 

:grouphug: Chris... I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Do what you have to do. Were it I, I'd go at him and hard. Every time I hear about teens and drugs, I keep remembering what happened to Katie Granju's son and I think I would do almost anything to keep my own son away from that.

[Denisemomof4]

I'm so sorry, Chris. I watched my parents battle with my brother and it sounds very similar to your situation. It was pure hell for my parents.

 

My parent's didn't kick him out of the house, but they should have. If they had learned to be strong, make him stand on his own, support himself, NOT bail him out, etc, etc, etc, he would have been better off. Instead, they coddled him and bailed him out of every stinking situation. When my parents died, both in the past 2 years, he lost it. He didn't want to live. At 40 he had to learn to truly survive on his own - FOR THE FIRST TIME. PLEASE do not do this with your son. The best thing you could do for him is to kick him out and make him come responsible for himself.

 

Also, you could lose your home if he brought drugs into it.

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[MelanieM]

<hugs> I haven't had to kick a child out of my house, but I did have to deal with this with my little brother. (Who often felt like my child.) I took him in after he was jailed for a drug offense, and he broke house rules and so he was out. It got pretty bad for him for a while, but I'm very happy to say he has now been clean for over two years and seems to be doing quite well. Our relationship is fine, thankfully. And I would make the same choices over again in a heartbeat.

 

Wishing you luck, love and lots of support as you navigate through this tough situation.

[flobee76]

:grouphug: i have no words of advice. Just said a prayer for you, your son, and the rest of your family....

[Teachin'Mine]

:grouphug: Do what you need to do for you and your family. Unfortunately, it sounds like he hasn't hit his bottom. Let him know that you are all there for him when he does and wants help, but that you're not going to enable him. Do you have the support of other parents? Nar-Anon is available if you're not already connected in that way. I'm praying for all of you. :grouphug:

[Whereneverever]

:grouphug:

[teamturner]

:grouphug: Chris... I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Do what you have to do. Were it I, I'd go at him and hard. Every time I hear about teens and drugs, I keep remembering what happened to Katie Granju's son and I think I would do almost anything to keep my own son away from that.

 

 

I read about this woman's blog about her son. It was such a huge revelation for me and I was deeply saddened by what happened to him. I will NEVER take any drug use by any of my children lightly.

[Starr]

:grouphug: I'm praying for all of you and really sorry this continues. Bil was rescued well into his 40s.

[EJCMom]

I've never had to do it, but my parents had to kick my brother out because of drugs. That was about...15 years ago now. They have an awesome relationship today. It took him a couple of years, but he got his life straightened out. He has so much respect for the fact that they stood their ground with him.

 

Big :grouphug:. I know it's not an easy thing to deal with.

[Scarlett]

Ds has a friend whose parent is in the Moms-Who-Enable club. He'll probably die of liver disease because he already has cirrhosis and is still drinking, and he's only 19. I don't want to join that one.

 

I'm glad you have a success story to share.

 

I have to say Chris that many would not say that my brother is a success story. He has gone through years and years of being unstable and then being close to suicide and all sorts of issues. He is on his 4th wife and diagnosed bi-polar a few years ago in his mid 30s.

 

We've always been there for him in whatever capacity we could reasonably be without enabling. It is a fine line to walk.

 

HE is certain my mom did the right thing....and part of what made it the right thing is that she was able to have some semblence of peace through those years when he would not stop being wild and crazy. She worried about him of course (still does!) but at least she could go to sleep at night and not wonder when or if he might come in her home.

 

It is hard. I've lived it with my brother...it just isn't easy.

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

[jenL]

Nothing to add, but wanting you to know I'm praying for you and your son. :grouphug:

[bella_gitana]

OK - I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle...

Bear in mind - I don't think it is ever ok to break the law. Even when I speed on the highway - I know I deserve the ticket if I get caught. I have never smoked pot because it has always been illegal. My DH is in the AF and of course, we could never use the stuff for that reason as well. I also lecture my kids constantly about the dangers of drugs - including pot - and would not want my DS's to read this.....

 

That being said - I think pot is a lot healthier than smoking or drinking - and not the end of the world for a 20 something to use occasionally. Both of my parents were alcoholics and died at 49 and 50 - I wish they had picked pot instead.

 

I don't necesarrily think that smoking pot is the end of the world - especially since he is an adult. There are many people who are very successful individuals that smoked a lot of pot in their younger days. In fact - most of the very successful (non-military) adults I know (doctors, lawyers, psychologists) all joke about their pot smoking days. I almost feel like I missed out on something :)

 

I think you need to come at this from a less panicked place. Obviously - as the parent - you need to say "no way - not in my house" etc, etc. But calmly - and explain to him rationally why (not just - drugs will kill you, they are evil - that won't work anyway).

 

Some good points to make:

 

They are illegal, and you and your husband could get in trouble with the law if they are found in your house.

You do not want your son arrested.

You are afraid it might lead to further drug use, etc.

 

Is he working? Doing well in school? Keeping up with his responsibilites around the house? Or is the pot a symptom of using other drugs as well? All of this should be considered.

 

You can certainly threaten to kick him out - simply because you don't want any of that around you or your younger kids - but don't treat him as if he were a felon or a crack addict, please. He may listen to you more if you react this way.

 

I would not take any kind of drug use lightly. No matter how innocent or "healthy" pot may seem. This mom didn't make a big deal of her son's use of pot either. http://mamapundit.com/tag/stuff-of-nightmares/

[elegantlion]

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you today, still. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Having seen the ugly side of addiction, part of me, the desperate, longing, hoping part, would plant myself beside him for every moment of every day. Follow him to class, his job, and remind him every moment that he is loved and wanted and is better than what this nasty addiction is telling him. Would it be embarrassing to have your mother follow you around, sure. Would it work? Would it help? I don't know. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Blueridge]

Bless your heart. I am praying for your family. :grouphug:

[3littlekeets]

Dang! This just stinks. Addiction is such an evil beast once it gets a hold on a family. :grouphug:.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

:grouphug: This is a tough situation you are in, and I can't pretend to know what you are going through.

 

IS there a chance it could be innocent? Could that friend just have been informing him? Or does she maybe not know that he is clean? Or maybe she is trying to intice him to come out with her?

 

If it were me, I would drug test first before making any final decisions.

 

To be honest, I have friends that will text me and tell me when they are high, or if they are getting some weed that night, etc. I've also had friends text to me find out if I wanted some, not realizing that I don't do that.