Why do I feel so guilty and angry and frustrated when this happens???

[Kathleen in VA]

A solicitor pulled in my driveway just now. My kids said, "Mom, someone's here." They grabbed the dog, who was barking incessantly, and headed for the back of the house. I opened the door and said, "What can I do for you?" This young guy walks up my driveway and starts talking to me. He seems nice enough but he just keeps walking closer and closer and I felt threatened. I mean, why didn't he just stop and answer my question? I said, "Don't come any closer!" and he stopped and had this very surprised look on his face - not "judgmental" surprised like "Who are you to tell me to stop?" just sincerely surprised. So he says something about he and his dad sealing driveways in the neighborhood and I immediately say, "No, thank you," in a firm and somewhat unfriendly tone. I really do not like uninvited salesman pulling in my driveway. I do not like that he started towards me and just kept coming up the driveway when he could have easily said his say from where he was.

 

I'm shaking and I feel bad because I feel like I was somewhat rude. He seemed like a decent fellow, but what do I really know about this guy? Nothing! Why do I feel so guilty and unkind?

 

Ftr, dh is not here. He's a mailman and works Saturdays. It's just dd17, ds14, dd11 and me.

 

OK, I've edited this four or five times and I'm still shaking.

[Impish]

You have no need for guilt. A strange man showed up uninvited. You have the right to your feelings, and should NEVER ignore your gut reaction.

[Mejane]

I think getting in close is a sales tactic to promote a sense of intimacy. It makes me uncomfortable as well, and I've held my hand up to signal that someone was close enough.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Your guilt is false guilt - it is your time and your property. You did not cuss him out or assault him. (I know that I'm speaking pretty bluntly but this really isn't healthy to hold onto.)

 

I'm sorry that you are shaking - that seems to be a very strong reaction for a pretty normal event - someone trying to make a buck. If you do not feel physically safe in this kind of situation it really would be best if you lock the door and do not answer. :grouphug:

[Kathleen in VA]

Your guilt is false guilt - it is your time and your property. You did not cuss him out or assault him. (I know that I'm speaking pretty bluntly but this really isn't healthy to hold onto.)

 

I'm sorry that you are shaking - that seems to be a very strong reaction for a pretty normal event - someone trying to make a buck. If you do not feel physically safe in this kind of situation it really would be best if you lock the door and do not answer. :grouphug:

 

Jean, I'm so upset right now I'm almost in tears. I don't think it's because I feel bad - not those kind of tears - just like I'm completely overwhelmed and rattled.

 

It actually makes me feel even worse when someone comes to the door and rings the bell. Not only does it set the dog off for at least an hour, I just feel even less safe having someone on my front stoop - sort of like they could kick the door in if they wanted to (although we do have a deadbolt.) Do I have some serious issue???

[Country Mouse]

He seemed like a decent fellow, but what do I really know about this guy? Nothing!

 

Exactly!

 

Please don't feel guilty about being rude. I think our desire to be gracious is often used against us by salespeople and swindlers alike.

 

Especially being home alone with the kids, you did the right thing.

[tiffijo1]

I think that you are justified in your fears~ I have noticed that sales people in my area have started ringing our bell and then backing far away from our door. Really nice that I don't have to open the door and have someone right in my face! I would also hate to be the person who has to sell door to door!

[Danestress]

and it's a very hard thing to teach. But older boys and men need to understand that women feel vulnerable and that it is their job to be sensitive to that. He shouldn't have been surprised. It's not your problem that he was.

 

I really hate solicitors in general.

 

Recently my 12 year old son was waiting for his swim team carpool. He's so absent minded, like me, and he thought they had arrived so he ran out and jumped in the car. It was actually two women waiting in the car for the lady across the street to come out. The women were terrified. My son was totally mortified. He was so embarrassed and upset, but also surprised by their reaction because not that long ago, he was just a little boy. We talked about how as he gets older, he seems more threatening and scary to girls and women, and he has to be aware of that. Sigh.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Don't feel guilty. He invaded your space. What about having the dog on a leash next to you if you decide to answer the door? Would that provide you with a sense of safety? That would certainly give the "intruder" pause about coming in too close;).

[celticmom]

You mentioned that you have a dog. If you answer the door with the dog in your arms (small dog) or on a leash (large dog) strangers are less likely to approach too close. Also your dog will probably calm down faster if it sees the "intruder " leave.

[Food4Thought]

Kathleen, I have to tell you that I feel the same way about people at my door. I've posted before that I almost never open the door unless I know who it is... unfortunately, I answer automatically when I'm expecting someone and three times this summer I've opened up to salesmen. One was a woman who kept *literally* trying to get a foot in the door and every few seconds she handed me one of the books she was trying to sell. I finally had to shut the door in her face, and I was shaken for a time afterwards. So I offer lots of :grouphug::grouphug: because I feel the same way.

 

I'm *this close* to posting a No Soliciting sign by my door. Maybe it's time for you to do something similar?

[Kathleen in VA]

Thanks, everyone. It really does help to have this validation. I just went and dried my hair and put my makeup on and I feel a little better.

 

My dog is so small I'm not sure she would be any kind of deterrent to an intruder.:) But I think I will put her on the leash and just let her bark her fool head off the next time this happens - that is, if I even bother to open the door.

 

And, Danestress, I am going to talk with my boys about this so they can be aware. The two oldest are working as appliance installers right now and that requires them to actually be in people's homes. And even though they are expected, I know from personal experience, that many women would still feel on edge in a situation like that. They are both very kind young men, but still it would be good to have a discussion about this.

[Country Mouse]

I'm *this close* to posting a No Soliciting sign by my door. Maybe it's time for you to do something similar?

 

:iagree:

Since you have a dog, what about a "Beware of Dog" sign?

 

ETA: even if she is a small dog :)

[Kathleen in VA]

Kathleen, I have to tell you that I feel the same way about people at my door. I've posted before that I almost never open the door unless I know who it is... unfortunately, I answer automatically when I'm expecting someone and three times this summer I've opened up to salesmen. One was a woman who kept *literally* trying to get a foot in the door and every few seconds she handed me one of the books she was trying to sell. I finally had to shut the door in her face, and I was shaken for a time afterwards. So I offer lots of :grouphug::grouphug: because I feel the same way.

 

I'm *this close* to posting a No Soliciting sign by my door. Maybe it's time for you to do something similar?

 

Do salespeople really honor your wishes when you post a sign? My house sits a ways off the road and they'd have to pull in the driveway and walk a bit just to see it. I'm just wondering if they would have the decency to look at it and turn around and drive away. Of course, it couldn't hurt as it may work on some people even if it doesn't on others.

[JoyfulMama]

I think that you are justified in your fears~ I have noticed that sales people in my area have started ringing our bell and then backing far away from our door. Really nice that I don't have to open the door and have someone right in my face! I would also hate to be the person who has to sell door to door!

 

I have notice this in my area, too. However, usually I have notice, as we can see them pulling in at the end of the driveway if we are near any windows. The last two that have entered have actually not come up the walk to the house, but have stayed in the driveway and spoken to me from there, and waited for me to come to them if I wanted to speak to them further. Not sure that I like that, as it would take me closer to their vehicle, but it does seem somewhat less intimidating to have them not fully approach. Or maybe they would just be waiting for an invitation to come closer to the house.

Times like these I would prefer to have a nice big dog. ;) Barking is good, too.

[Kathleen in VA]

:iagree:

Since you have a dog, what about a "Beware of Dog" sign?

 

ETA: even if she is a small dog :)

 

This is good. They don't need to know she weighs less than 10 pounds.:D

[kalanamak]

I'm shaking and I feel bad because I feel like I was somewhat rude. He seemed like a decent fellow, but what do I really know about this guy? Nothing! Why do I feel so guilty and unkind?

 

 

 

You were raised to have good manners, and it bothers you when someone breaks them and you have to cope with it. A "gentleman" would never come to your house (I was raised with that thinking) and it was only after years of working with the very lost of society that I have gotten over that feeling (it has also helped me "read" people who were raised differently from me).

 

:grouphug:

[Daisy]

Don't feel bad!

 

I'm on the cautious side ever since a few years ago, I came home from a 15 minute errand to find burglars in my house at 10 in the morning! Thankfully, they just shoved my son and I around, laughed, and then left with a few thousand dollars worth of stuff. We also had an elderly lady assaulted when she opened the door to give a man a glass of water on a 110 degree day.

 

I don't answer the door EVER during the day unless I know the person or the business has called me first to notify me someone will be stopping by (as in I made an appt with PG&E & he will be there in 15 minutes). I try to make appointments for evenings when hubby will be home.

 

I have a no soliciting sign up. It is in two languages which has really cut down on people knocking on my door.

 

When hubby is home, he answers the door.

Edited August 21, 2010 by Daisy

[Kathleen in VA]

I'm off to the bank before it closes and I'm going to Walmart to buy a sign or two. Thanks for all the encouragement - I feel much better.:)

[Corraleno]

So he says something about he and his dad sealing driveways in the neighborhood and I immediately say, "No, thank you," in a firm and somewhat unfriendly tone. I really do not like uninvited salesman pulling in my driveway. I do not like that he started towards me and just kept coming up the driveway when he could have easily said his say from where he was.

 

I'm shaking and I feel bad because I feel like I was somewhat rude. He seemed like a decent fellow, but what do I really know about this guy? Nothing! Why do I feel so guilty and unkind?

I agree with everyone else that you were not rude at all in the way you dealt with this person, and if it makes you feel any better about being brusque with him, "resurfacing driveways" and roof patching are two of the most common scams:

 

Summertime scams hit snow-belt homeowners where they live.

Homeowners should look out for groups of traveling scam artists offering roof repair, driveway paving and sealing and other summertime home upkeep, Ohio Attorney General Richard Cordray warns.

 

"Known by law enforcement as 'travelers,' these professional thieves make their way through Ohio and other northern states in the summer months," Cordray said. "They offer to pave driveways or repair roofs for a very low price, but they intentionally deceive homeowners and do extremely shoddy work."

 

Travelers often target middle-class homeowners, especially those over 60. Travelers generally dress professionally, speak politely and drive well-maintained vehicles, giving homeowners the false impression that they are trustworthy.

 

In many cases, travelers lie to homeowners, telling them their driveway or roof needs to be repaired. They work quickly, paving a driveway in less than an hour. Later, the asphalt will crack or will fail to set properly, leaving the homeowner's driveway a gooey mess. Other times, travelers "seal" a driveway or roof with a useless mixture of diesel oil and paint that will wash off in the rain.

 

Weeks later, some travelers revisit their previous victims to offer phony follow-up repairs or more seal-coating. Again, the work is completely substandard, even if the victim does not realize it.

 

Homeowners can protect themselves by learning to recognize the signs of a traveler, including contractors who:

 

• Come to their door uninvited

• Notice a problem with their roof or driveway

• Say they have leftover materials

• Offer unbelievably low prices

• Accept cash or check only

• Promise an unconditional guarantee on the work

• Start work immediately

• Take only 30 minutes to an hour to finish the job

http://www.drivewaytips.com/articles.asp

 

You did the right thing. If I were you, I would post a "Beware of Dog" sign AND a "No Solicitors" sign at the very entrance to your driveway/private road, so solicitors don't even bother turning in.

 

Jackie

Edited August 21, 2010 by Corraleno

[MicheleinMN]

Do salespeople really honor your wishes when you post a sign? My house sits a ways off the road and they'd have to pull in the driveway and walk a bit just to see it. I'm just wondering if they would have the decency to look at it and turn around and drive away. Of course, it couldn't hurt as it may work on some people even if it doesn't on others.

 

 

We put up a gate at the end of our driveway and a no trespassing sign. It doesn't keep everyone out, but it helps.

[ktgrok]

If this person freaked you out you should honor that, and don't worry about hurting his feelings. He's forgotten by now. However, you mentioned that you get nervous and shaky whenever ANYONE you don't know is at the door. To me that seems a bit over the top. I mean....yes, if someone is being rude or banging on your door or whatever...but a person ringing my doorbell is not being threatening. Thats what the door bell is for, ya know? At that point I have the option to answer, or just shout out that I'm busy right now, please come back another time, or just ignore it. Maybe an intercom would make you feel more comfortable? Cause expecting no one to ever come to the door seems kind of extreme to me.

[Remudamom]

I'm sorry you were shaken. You did nothing wrong.

[LG Gone Wild]

A solicitor pulled in my driveway just now. My kids said, "Mom, someone's here." They grabbed the dog, who was barking incessantly, and headed for the back of the house. I opened the door and said, "What can I do for you?" This young guy walks up my driveway and starts talking to me. He seems nice enough but he just keeps walking closer and closer and I felt threatened. I mean, why didn't he just stop and answer my question? I said, "Don't come any closer!" and he stopped and had this very surprised look on his face - not "judgmental" surprised like "Who are you to tell me to stop?" just sincerely surprised. So he says something about he and his dad sealing driveways in the neighborhood and I immediately say, "No, thank you," in a firm and somewhat unfriendly tone. I really do not like uninvited salesman pulling in my driveway. I do not like that he started towards me and just kept coming up the driveway when he could have easily said his say from where he was.

 

I'm shaking and I feel bad because I feel like I was somewhat rude. He seemed like a decent fellow, but what do I really know about this guy? Nothing! Why do I feel so guilty and unkind?

 

Ftr, dh is not here. He's a mailman and works Saturdays. It's just dd17, ds14, dd11 and me.

 

OK, I've edited this four or five times and I'm still shaking.

 

You did right and you reacted well. It's hard for nice, kind people to give themselves permission to act in a way that protects them. That's why you are shaking. You acted correctly in heightened adrenal state. So good job.

[Guest janainaz]

I am the same way. I do not welcome visits from strangers at my house at all. I get jumpy and nervous, especially when it's a man whom I don't know. Our little dogs bark like crazy when the doorbell rings (which I like - they sound like big dogs) and my kids can't unlock the inside door without a key, which I keep up.

 

My motto is better safe, than sorry. You should not feel badly. I imagine the guy was probably ok, but you told him to stop and not come closer. Maybe something in your instinct was telling you he wasn't safe.

 

I don't live in fear, but I am not trusting of strange men at my door, or my driveway.

[Hockey Mom]

You mentioned that you have a dog. If you answer the door with the dog in your arms (small dog) or on a leash (large dog) strangers are less likely to approach too close. Also your dog will probably calm down faster if it sees the "intruder " leave.

 

This is exactly what I was going to say. Whenever I'm home alone and someone arrives unexpectedly, most times I just won't answer the door. But if I'm caught off guard (like you were), I grab my dog. My dog is an english mastiff. He looks and sounds mean (he's a big baby though), and it's enough to put people off. The fact that he's barking with his hair up gives me a QUICK out.

 

:grouphug: Don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong.

[texasmama]

What you did was very appropriate. That young man didn't realize that it isn't appropriate to advance like that on a woman. I'm sure he meant no harm, but he does need to know this. I don't feel the need to open the door for solicitors. Even when the census man came to my door, I didn't let him in my house. I stood on the front porch with him filling out the forms.

 

In the American culture, women are taught to be gracious and friendly and "nice". But when someone approaches you unsolicited (no matter for what reason), it is appropriate to be concerned or to question their motives. Read "The Gift of Fear"...forget the author. You will feel much better.:grouphug:

[Tap]

To me it sounds like your reaction triggers a release of adrenaline. Your physical symptoms are the bi-product of the fight or flight response. Since you didn't use the muscles to release the adrenaline by verbally telling him to leave instead of a physical fight, it still lingers in your body after the fact leaving you feeling the symptoms much longer than is comfortable. Next time you have this feeling, try taking a quick pace walk around the house or a quick work out to release the hormone from your body.

[kelouis75]

Jean, I'm so upset right now I'm almost in tears. I don't think it's because I feel bad - not those kind of tears - just like I'm completely overwhelmed and rattled.

 

It actually makes me feel even worse when someone comes to the door and rings the bell. Not only does it set the dog off for at least an hour, I just feel even less safe having someone on my front stoop - sort of like they could kick the door in if they wanted to (although we do have a deadbolt.) Do I have some serious issue???

 

I think you are perfectly justified in the way that you have reacted. :grouphug: Like hockeymom, we don't answer the door when my husband is not home. But I do think that it's okay to answer with your dog right there with you if you feel comfortable doing that... Otherwise talk through the door (don't open it) or ignore...

[JFSinIL]

I'd of had the dog, barking its head off, on a leash next to me OR be obviously blocking him from lunging out the open door at the salesman. That can slow down any saliesman!

[ChristusG]

I completely do not blame you for being nervous when people ring the doorbell. I'm the same way. I live in a cul-de-sac, and on most days, I think that I'm the only one home on our street. I'm alone with two small children while hubby is at work. Whenever the doorbell rings, I jump a mile and it makes me very nervous. My girls know to stay quiet whenever the bell rings. We never answer it. I let the dog go crazy so that whoever is out there knows that there's a dog inside. I just do not feel safe answering the door, especailly if it is a man (which it usually is), when I'm alone with the kids and no one else on the street is home.

 

I wish that companies would warn their employees of this. If anyone is home during the daytime, it's more than likely going to be a woman. Why would companies send their people door to door to approach women? They should really be more cautious and send them on weekends or something.

 

One time I very nearly called the police. Some guy rang my doorbell. I looked out the peep hole, as I always do, to monitor their behavior and see when they leave. I watch the guy ring the bell again, wait, and then walk off the porch. But wait, the guy walks towards the side of my house near the window. I hear him doing something out there. Trying to get in???? I am freaking out!!!! My heart is racing. I'm trying to decide whether to call the cops. I see him walk away and wonder where he's going. Then I figure it out.....he was messing with our water faucet. He's from the city but didn't have a city uniform on. I was SOOOO relieved.

 

But, I totally understand where you are coming from.

[Unicorn.]

Kathleen, first off :grouphug:. Do you have a screen door? In TX they are a necessity, but I realize a lot of people don't have them. I like the fact that I can keep the screen door locked, and have something between myself and the person on the other side. Might be an option for you.

 

If not, I like someone's idea of an intercom- that way you never have to open the door! Video intercom is even better! :grouphug: And don't feel guilty, they all make me uncomfortable too, and I'm not easily spooked.

[JennyB]

First off let me say that you need to do what you feel comfortable doing in your house on your property. You don't need to feel guilty your response was perfectly acceptable.

 

Maybe I have the only husband who has sold door to door but most of them are really not evil people. They are just trying to feed their families. It is a really good way to sell. My husband sold 95% of the doors he knocked on. That is amazing success for advertising. Especially when you factor in the cost to advertise vs other forms of advertising and the return off that advertising investment. (Of course he was selling blinds to people who had just bought homes and most of them wanted blinds. :001_smile:)

 

Do salespeople really honor your wishes when you post a sign? My house sits a ways off the road and they'd have to pull in the driveway and walk a bit just to see it. I'm just wondering if they would have the decency to look at it and turn around and drive away. Of course, it couldn't hurt as it may work on some people even if it doesn't on others.

 

In answer to this, yes, most salespeople that I know don't even walk up your driveway if they see the sign and will turn around if they see it after walking up to your door. There time is just as valuable as yours and they don't want to waste it on someone who is not going to buy. Selling is a numbers game. You are going to sell a certain percentage of the doors you knock, mailings you send whatever form of advertising you use.

 

You were raised to have good manners, and it bothers you when someone breaks them and you have to cope with it. A "gentleman" would never come to your house (I was raised with that thinking) and it was only after years of working with the very lost of society that I have gotten over that feeling (it has also helped me "read" people who were raised differently from me).

 

:grouphug:

I have to say that this is implying that my husband does not have good manners by selling door to door. That is just wrong. He rings the bell and then steps way back. Never opens the screen door when someone is there and leaves when someone asks him to go. Again he is not a pushy salesman. There are people who buy from salesman and they are actually nice people selling. There are also scams everywhere and people who are horrid. Good job trusting your gut. It wont let you down.

 

I just think that it is sad that we as a society can't talk to people anymore because we can't trust people anymore. We can't help people because we don't know if they are a wacko. I think it is a sad reflection on the state of our society that I don't know if we can change at this point.

 

Anyway, maybe you could buy an iron security screen with deadbolts and locks. Then they couldn't even have access to the house. We have these on most homes in my area. Then you have some space between you and people.

 

That's just my .02.

[Laura Corin]

I'm sorry you feel so unhappy about it. It doesn't worry me that people come to my door to talk to me.

 

Laura

[justamouse]

Don't feel guilty at all and go put a no soliciting sign out by your turn.

[poodlemama]

my big black BSD (looks like a long haired Shepherd) always answers the door with me.

[Cindy in the NH Woods]

There have been a string of robberies not far from us. The technique is for someone to knock on the door under false pretenses in order to case the place. If no one answers, they try the door(s), go in, and rob the home. (This has been happening during standard business hours.) So, no, I wouldn't feel bad for being suspicious. At all.

 

And in our neck of the woods, let the knocker beware and have very good ID because plenty of folk are packing heat around here. :001_huh:

[angela in ohio]

You should be rude. Maybe if enough people are rude, he will find another, less intrusive way to advertise his business.

 

We don't buy from companies that advertise door to door. We will purposefully choose other companies. I feel the same way about companies that randomly call us up on the phone to sell things. My property and my phone are mine, and I decide how they are used. If I want to buy something, I will go to their place of business or call them.

[Trivium Academy]

Have you thought about putting a "No Solicitors" or "Private property" sign in your yard? A few neighbors have one and I still field carpet cleaners, meat truck sales, security system sales(wo)men on a biweekly basis.

 

Security people..I tell them to smile b/c they are on camera.

Meat...I tell them we go to the grocery store and avoid buying mobile food.

Carpet cleaners...I just said no.

Other ones, I either get creative or just plainly say we're not interested.

 

We did have an 18 wheeler drive through the neighborhood offering furniture from High Point NC. I asked them for their business license and said we weren't interested. It was the day after we moved into our house.

[Britomart]

Anyway, maybe you could buy an iron security screen with deadbolts and locks. Then they couldn't even have access to the house. We have these on most homes in my area. Then you have some space between you and people.

 

 

We have one of these; it was almost the first thing we bought for our new home. They're very common here, and they're a great help, because you can talk to someone at the door while still feeling very safe. Great solution, because you don't have to not answer the door, but you don't have to have your door unlocked when you're talking to a stranger.

[Rosie_0801]

It actually makes me feel even worse when someone comes to the door and rings the bell. Not only does it set the dog off for at least an hour, I just feel even less safe having someone on my front stoop - sort of like they could kick the door in if they wanted to (although we do have a deadbolt.) Do I have some serious issue???

 

If you watch the news on telly, you might consider giving that up...

 

I'm not saying it's wrong to want your personal space, but watching the news night after night gets under your skin and builds up the emotionally edgy feeling. You are intellectually aware of safety issues, so you don't need emotion to take care of that for you.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

Edited August 21, 2010 by Rosie_0801

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean, I'm so upset right now I'm almost in tears. I don't think it's because I feel bad - not those kind of tears - just like I'm completely overwhelmed and rattled.

 

It actually makes me feel even worse when someone comes to the door and rings the bell. Not only does it set the dog off for at least an hour, I just feel even less safe having someone on my front stoop - sort of like they could kick the door in if they wanted to (although we do have a deadbolt.) Do I have some serious issue???

 

I'm glad that you are feeling better (per your later post, and have gotten signs to put up). Please don't feel like I'm blaming you in any way. I don't answer the door for strangers, salesmen especially. I'm very cautious. If I am surprised into opening the door (a couple of times I was walking out the door just as they came up), I will ask them to leave just as you did. Then I will go inside and wait a bit before leaving so that they don't see me leave the premises. Safety is important for me even if I know that most of the time the people are actually harmless.

 

My experience is that of someone who has been the victim and recovered from a couple of physical attacks. I've had to deal with fear so that it doesn't control me. That has been very important to me, perhaps so that I don't feel like the people who assaulted me had "won". I've found that taking control of a situation - by putting up signs or by putting in a peephole or in our case, even a stronger door, has been important as proactive ways that I could take control of my safety.

 

I don't know if you are a Christian but this next step has been particularly important to me: once I've take reasonable steps to be safe, I've had to depend on the One who really is in charge of keeping me safe. I've been convicted (for me, not for anyone else) of the principle that when I give into fear when I'm supposed to be trusting God, that is sin for me.

 

I have had a couple of incidents which have elicited the adrenal response that you had (the shaking, tears, feeling on edge. . .) For me they were situations that mimicked in some way my original trauma and have caused flashbacks. Like a PP mentioned, getting some exercise to help move it through your body and drinking lots of water to flush out the stress hormones does help.

[Haiku]

It actually makes me feel even worse when someone comes to the door and rings the bell. Not only does it set the dog off for at least an hour, I just feel even less safe having someone on my front stoop - sort of like they could kick the door in if they wanted to (although we do have a deadbolt.) Do I have some serious issue???

 

Post a LARGE and VISIBLE sign in your front yard that says, "NO SOLICITORS!"

 

Tara

[Kathleen in VA]

If this person freaked you out you should honor that, and don't worry about hurting his feelings. He's forgotten by now. However, you mentioned that you get nervous and shaky whenever ANYONE you don't know is at the door. To me that seems a bit over the top. I mean....yes, if someone is being rude or banging on your door or whatever...but a person ringing my doorbell is not being threatening. Thats what the door bell is for, ya know? At that point I have the option to answer, or just shout out that I'm busy right now, please come back another time, or just ignore it. Maybe an intercom would make you feel more comfortable? Cause expecting no one to ever come to the door seems kind of extreme to me.

 

I think it's just that we live out in the country on a dirt road that hardly anyone travels on. I'm not used to people coming here without having been invited. To me, the doorbell is for my friends, family, and workmen who have prearranged a visit, when they arrive so I know they're here. Also, at the front of my subdivision is a very large sign that says "Private Property -No Trespassing." We just don't get that many people traipsing through so it's always a bit of a surprise to see someone I don't know in my driveway.

 

To me it sounds like your reaction triggers a release of adrenaline. Your physical symptoms are the bi-product of the fight or flight response. Since you didn't use the muscles to release the adrenaline by verbally telling him to leave instead of a physical fight, it still lingers in your body after the fact leaving you feeling the symptoms much longer than is comfortable. Next time you have this feeling, try taking a quick pace walk around the house or a quick work out to release the hormone from your body.

 

This makes sense. Thanks - I will do that next time.

 

If you watch the news on telly, you might consider giving that up...

 

I'm not saying it's wrong to want your personal space, but watching the news night after night gets under your skin and builds up the emotionally edgy feeling. You are intellectually aware of safety issues, so you don't need emotion to take care of that for you.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

I don't watch tv, but I do check the news on the internet everyday and it's true that hearing so much bad news on a regular basis gets to me. I should probably stop doing that. Thanks for the hug.:)

[FO4UR]

The fact that you had such an intense reaction (the still shaking after he's gone), makes me believe that you had good reason to refuse to allow him to get any closer to your house. We often emotionally react to things for *good* reason even if we can't intellectually define those reasons at the moment. The pushing his way onto your property is reason enough.

 

Your firm verbal response may have saved you from a scary situation. At the least, it saved from an annoying situation. No guilt allowed.

 

I had a very scary situation once, and relate to that shaky feeling. Praise God for it!!!:grouphug:

[smrtmama]

You have no need for guilt. A strange man showed up uninvited. You have the right to your feelings, and should NEVER ignore your gut reaction.

 

YES! THIS! :iagree:

[ma23peas]

Kathleen! So sorry you had a bad moment and felt that rush of anxiety!

 

I can only share my experience, and maybe it will help or not...I think it was more anxiety of having lost control of the situation...then as he approached (whether innocently or not) it sent flares through you that are instinctive and hard to control..sometimes our actions (whether unreasonable or not) are hard to predict....

 

For future situations, have a set response in your head....I used to feel so guilty just answering a solicitor's call...asking them to remove me from their list and having them badger me a bit, but I always rationalized that these poor people have a tough job and the least I can do is bring some sort of joy to them through kindness...well that was 2 years ago...now we get 4-5 solicitor calls a day (even though I've asked everyone to remove us from the list)...so now I'm in control, a voice is not even on the other line, it's a hold then a "someone will be with you in a moment" and they called ME! So when I see an area code that obviously is the same solicitor company, I simply walk by the phone and hang up on them..no guilt, just I'm in control and there's no need to waste my time or theirs...

 

The same with this guy....get a canned response prepared....smile and say, "Thanks, but we're very busy today and don't need your services at this time..good luck at the next house!" And mean it genuinely, turn around and get the kids inside...you'll be in control...and he should have got the message, if he continues....just walk away..no need to express any angst or frustration...you simply don't have time.

 

There have been times where my 'fears' anxieties could have kicked in, a drug using (could tell meth probably due to the skin and teeth conditions) homeless man stopped me and my girls outside Captain D's and begged for some money, I'm not sure where it came from but I (ME!) grabbed his hand and put my other hand on his shoulder, and said, "I am so sorry, we never carry cash, but if you'd like a meal, we'll go in and order whatever you like." You should have seen the change in his face! We walked in and made sure he had enough to eat...he was almost in tears as we walked out and I gave him the biggest hug, and while he was trying to thank me, I honestly told him that it wasn't me, it was my Lord who did it for Him...it's the least I can do for a brother and for him to repay me only by trying to talk to God more, that He does care...my girls were at first stunned, their natural instinct was to run away from him...but we had an amazing talk on the way home...

 

Don't know how that applies to your situation but it was a response to our natural uncertainties, but faith can override that and do the hard work for us...

 

Tara

[Nestof3]

I feel the same way. I feel that I have to be careful about strangers given some of the horrible ways people have been violated around here. There were several break-ins one year in the Tidewater area that resulted from people just answering their door. I do not like having to answer the door to a stranger.

 

I understand people need work, but I would never hire anyone like that. We hire from word of mouth. So many of these drop by sort of people have no license, are not insured, and pocket the money without being a legit business. I don't support that sort of business.

 

Finally, I hate the way they don't take no for an answer. Since we have a "no solicitors" sign on our door, I expect strangers to be in serious need of help or something when they ring my doorbell. That has never been the case. They are always people who think the sign somehow doesn't apply to them.

[Laurie4b]

A sheriff's deputy told me that UNLESS I said STOP that I had no recourse (with the police) if someone kept coming. Like if I said, "What do you want?" and he didn't answer and kept coming. The deputy told me this like I was stupid for asking repeated questions of an approaching stranger (believe me, it was not in a friendly voice) instead of just ordering the guy to stop.

 

We live in a wooded neighborhood and the houses are not visible to each other. I react exactly the way you did today when the same thing happens (ie it's not the UPS guy or someone I'm expecting and they don't answer me.) If that guy had been up to no good, you were actually a little too friendly.

 

I also think it is very, very important to trust your gut. For instance, in a former neighborhood, there was a young man I wouldn't open the door to. Dh told me he was a very polite, respectful young man but I did.not.trust. him. As an adult, he has a long record of assault on women. That's why I got the vibe and dh didn't. Perhaps your gut was "off" today, perhaps not. But a man soliciting door-to-door needs to expect that some folks will see him as threatening.

 

You weren't rude. You were scared.

[katemary63]

I've read this whole thread and I have to say, I am so surprised! (This is in no way a criticism so please, don't anyone take offense) But I've never thought twice about answering my door. I just answer it and expect to have a nice interaction with someone, who ever it may be. If it's a salesman, I do become abrupt and say no thanks because I don't want to hear any high pressure tactics. (Not like it would work on me anyway,but I'm not interested in wasting my time is all.) But I am certainly not scared or bothered that someone knocked on my door. I truly had NO IDEA that so many people were so cautious about answering their door. I don't even lock mine. We live in the country in the middle of no where. I do not have neighbors. I get people I don't know looking for an address (they've made a wrong turn), looking for "a guy who sells hay" (That'd be me!), or even looking for a stray cow (turned out it WAS in our pasture!) Not too long ago, a guy came just at dusk. He and bunch of friends had been floating the river we live on and had hiked up from the bottoms to our house because they were lost. He just came asking for help. We gave them all a ride in our pickup to their truck down the road. But I've lived in the suburbs too and felt the same there. I just don't mind answering my door. I thought people coming to your door for various reasons was kind of normal.

 

I really think that if I were afraid everytime I answered my door and my DH wasn't home, I'd maybe get some kind of training (self defence)and/ or counceling or something, just to give me more confidence and help me deal with the situation a little more calmly. Again, not a criticism, just a suggestion. I, personally wouldn't want to feel like that everytime and there's nothing you can do to stop people from ringing the bell. You can only change your own reaction to it. I'm just saying this to point out that some people do not sense fear when a stranger comes to the door. Oh, and I'd also get a BIG dog! We've always had big dogs and maybe that gives me confidence too, I don't know.

 

Anyway, :grouphug: for your scary afternoon.

 

ps. I certainly understand those who are cautious due to past bad experiences with strangers.

Edited August 22, 2010 by katemary63