Am I being stalked?

[Rebecca VA]

Last night I was killing time on the computer, and I looked up an old friend or two from my past. I went to seven schools and two colleges, and worked multiple jobs before I got married, so I know a LOT of people from the past. I never contact people that I look up; I just like knowing that they're still alive and having a happy life.

 

I typed in the name of a guy that I knew -- not a boyfriend, or even a friend, but someone who liked me a little too much. He was someone I might have enjoyed having as a friend if I hadn't had a creepy feeling about him. He always seemed to know too much about me and my routine, etc. And this was YEARS ago, way before the Internet. (I first met him in 1981.) He seemed to think we had a "relationship" (though we didn't at all), and he was living it out in his mind. I last saw him in 1986, and the last time we had any communication was in 1989, when he wrote to tell me he was getting married.

 

Well, I almost died of shock. He lives less than ONE MILE away from me now. He is married (to a different person, not the one he wrote me about) -- I assume he has kids, but I don't know. Out of all the cities and towns in the country, why is he here? Living within walking distance of me? He has lived here for four years. I never knew. I haven't had a creepy feeling, or felt that anyone was watching me. I don't think he would harm me in any way. And maybe there's a legitimate reason for him to be in this area, but the fact that he lives so close by freaks me out.

 

Again, I don't think he plans to do anything weird. He may just be still carrying a torch or something for me and just likes knowing that I live close by. I don't want to cause a fuss over this and make a lot of people unhappy (like my husband or his current wife). But I'm still trembling inside and wondering what it all means. Talk to me, Hive....

[DarlaS]

Is it possible he has no idea he lives down the road from you? Have you lived there a long while?

 

Twenty-one years is a long time. People divorce and remarry etc.

[Mejane]

He's lived less than a mile from you for four years, you've never caught even a glimpse of him in all that time, but you're afraid he's stalking you? :001_huh:

[NanceXToo]

Did you move far away from the area where you lived back when you knew him, or something? I mean, I could see that being a bit of a weird coincidence, if you moved very far away and then found out that he moved far away too and it happened to be to a place within a mile of where you live.

 

But I mean if you're still living even in the same state and so is he- then it's not as strange a coincidence.

 

And like someone else said, if he's been there four years and you've never even caught a glimpse of him, then I wouldn't be jumping to any conclusions about whether he's stalking you. And YOU typed in HIS name LOL. Just saying!

[starwarsmomma]

Is his first name Colby?

 

LOL

 

Sorry-- I had one of those too. Couldn't resist. :D

 

I wouldn't worrya bout it, as long as he hasn't tried to contact you. Probably nothing more than close to work, good schools, good neighborhood, etc...

[pooh bear]

Who's stalking who?

[myfunnybunch]

He had a huge crush on you a long time ago, but his behavior was not inappropriate based on what you've written. He's married. You've never seen him since he moved to your community. He hasn't tried to contact you.

 

He's probably just living his life. Nothing to do with you at all. He'd probably be shocked to find you live so near.

 

:)

 

Cat

[Nicole M]

I agree with the others that probably no, you're not being stalked.

 

But I can see how it would rattle you, or bring up old uncomfortable feelings. Try to let that go.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

And like someone else said, if he's been there four years and you've never even caught a glimpse of him, then I wouldn't be jumping to any conclusions about whether he's stalking you. And YOU typed in HIS name LOL. Just saying!

:iagree:

[Rebecca VA]

Well, OK then. It wouldn't have freaked me out to find anyone else living close by, but this guy -- he often did things that were underhanded, trying to get to me. He went through my correspondence once and stole a letter another guy had written me. He mortified me in front of my co-workers once, just trying to get my attention. As I said, he always seemed to be hanging around, knowing my daily routine and showing up. So yes, I am suspicious of him living very, very close to me. (I've lived here ten years, BTW.)

 

I wasn't stalking him at all by typing his name into a computer search engine. I just wanted to know how he was doing. But when the screen showed his address and a map of his location that was MY same location...I started trembling and couldn't sleep all night long for shock.

[Momma2Many66]

I think if you didn't know for four years he lived so close, then chances are he probably lived for 4 years near you and didn't know it either.

 

This sounds like just one of those weird coincidences of life, I get lots of them, but I'm old now and they don't seem so weird to me anymore.

 

I think you are over-reacting or watching too much lifetime television. Lifetime television always freaked me out, every man portrayed on any of those movies is either a stalker, killer or some sort of rapist/child molester.

[Rebecca VA]

Oh, and we met in a different part of the country (not Virginia). We have both moved many times since the 1980s, especially me -- I've lived in numerous states and overseas. He was living in a different state (not Virginia) when he wrote me about getting married. So it's not like we're both "locals" who came back and settled down in a familiar place.

[simka2]

I think it is weird! No matter what anyone says...you need to trust your gut.

 

I spent years explaining away my "icky" feelings about someone, convinced they were not valid...only to have it really bite me.

 

Don't live in fear, but it's always good to know your surroundings.

[simka2]

Also, don't feel bad for searching this person's name. If this person had made me really uncomfortable, I would want to know where they were too. :)

[Crissy]

But when the screen showed his address and a map of his location that was MY same location...I started trembling and couldn't sleep all night long for shock.

 

Do keep in mind that the records you find on the internet aren't always accurate or up to date.

I can still find evidence that I am living in a place I haven't seen in 19 years.

Edited June 30, 2010 by Crissy

[mcconnellboys]

If he hasn't attempted any contact, and is married, then I would not presume that he has any idea you're nearby. And if you've never run into him in all this time, then I wouldn't go looking for trouble now. Let sleeping dogs lie.....

[OrganicAnn]

I've know some weird coincidence where people ending up in the same place or meeting someone from there childhood when they were half way round the world.

 

Does he know your current/married name (if you use your husband's name)? You might try googling yourself to see if you can figure out where you live based on your maiden name.

 

People change a lot in that many years. You could pass him on the street and neither of your might even recognize the other.

 

I think I would if and only if I continued to worry about it, then I would do a little checking to find out more. I'm not sure what, but something to ease my mind. I think if I knew where he worked it would ease my mind. Like if he worked in a tire store from 8 to 5, then I would think he's not hanging around the neighborhood all day.

[Denisemomof4]

I think it is weird! No matter what anyone says...you need to trust your gut.

 

I spent years explaining away my "icky" feelings about someone, convinced they were not valid...only to have it really bite me.

 

Don't live in fear, but it's always good to know your surroundings.

 

another part of the country? I don't know........ I'm with Simka on this one. BUT, maybe past experiences she and I have experienced play into our opinion.

 

That said, I had NO reason to suspect a "friend" of ours a few years back. I just couldn't let it go........ SOMETHING was NOT right. I became a hovering parent and my boys didn't like it. Oh well, because I got obnoxious about it all, my boys are safe. Another child isn't.

 

TRUST YOUR GUT. There's NOTHING you can do, but you must be vigilant. Run a background check on him. The thing that's unsettling is that it's been so long - would you really recognize him? He could be bald, or heavy weight AND bald, or....... KWIM?

 

 

I wouldn't panic, but I WOULD be wise.

[kaylk in tx]

coincidences happen. a couple kids on our summer swim team just found out that they were born in the same state, same city, same hospital just 14 days apart, parents did not know each other.... that was alabama and they now live in the same neighborhood in texas.

[Jean in Newcastle]

He was inappropriate and socially inept up until the point where he pursued another relationship and got married. Then he contacted you to let you know that he was getting married and was not interested in you any more (at least that's how I interpret it). You don't know how he ended up in this area. Perhaps his wife had family there, or he needed to move for work, there are so many variables.

 

I would use normal due diligence to keep myself safe but I would not worry about this man. If - I noticed someone keeping tabs on me, or ran into this person personally and he still gave me bad vibes then I would of course pay attention to that. I wouldn't go meet him somewhere for instance.

 

I say this from the perspective of someone who thought I recognized my r*pist a couple of years ago. He was in a car in incoming traffic. I had nightmares for a week afterward but while I'm cautious about opening doors and dark streets, I do not feel like I should live my life in fear of him.

[orangearrow]

Run a background check on him.

 

 

:001_huh: Really??? :001_huh: People would really run random background checks on anyone who gives them the willies?

 

I've had past issues and situations with certain men... so I consider myself a very cautious person. But no way would I invade someone's privacy for a reason such as this. It sounds to me like the guy is completely and totally minding his own business. Just a weird coincidence.

 

:confused:

[OrganicAnn]

Can you run a background check on someone without their permission? I know the police can, but I don't think an ordinary person can do a real background check without permission. When hired a babysitter for a significant period several years ago, the form we used had to have the person signature and other information/identification to do the background check.

[smrtmama]

Run a background check on him? Who would be stalking whom at that point?

 

He hasn't contacted you. You haven't caught a glimpse of him. Let it go.

[Audrey]

Run a background check on him? Who would be stalking whom at that point?

 

He hasn't contacted you. You haven't caught a glimpse of him. Let it go.

 

:iagree: It sounds like you're more interested in him now than he has indicated he is in you. If you haven't even glimpsed the guy in 4 years, he's either got an invisibility cloak or he's just not that into you.

[Heather in WI]

Run a background check on him? Who would be stalking whom at that point?

 

He hasn't contacted you. You haven't caught a glimpse of him. Let it go.

 

:iagree:

[Rebecca VA]

When did I say I had suddenly become interested in him? I just casually looked up his name last night to see what had become of him. It never occurred to me to do that before.

 

I don't plan to run a background check. I don't think he would do anything wrong. He's a geek and can act inappropriate (or at least he acted that way in the past), but I never felt physically unsafe around him. I have felt (in the past) unsafe as far as my privacy being respected, and with very good reason. He has violated my boundaries and given me the creeps. He is extremely, extremely smart and tech-savvy.

 

I'll just let it go. I don't dislike the guy, and I don't wish him harm. I guess it's just a boundary issue.

Edited June 30, 2010 by Rebecca VA

[smrtmama]

:iagree: It sounds like you're more interested in him now than he has indicated he is in you. If you haven't even glimpsed the guy in 4 years, he's either got an invisibility cloak or he's just not that into you.

 

Yes, if the guy were Harry Potter, I'd be more concerned that the potential for stalking still exists. :lol:

[LibraryLover]

21 years ...

[VBoulden]

I'd trust your gut like someone else said. But, that's just me... My gut is hardly ever wrong.

 

Some guys are just creeps and are truly creepy... and some guys DON'T move on just because they get married... Speaking from experience.

 

What you said about him being savvy makes me think he probably knows where you live. It would just take a quick Google search for anyone in the know.

 

And, him calling you after he was engaged, to me, is a red flag saying he HADN'T moved on, at least not at the time of the phone call. If he had moved, he should have been consumed with passion for his new lady, you'd be NOTHING to him, not even worth a phone call.

 

But, it has been a long, long time and you've seen nothing or heard nothing.

 

I don't think you should let this seize you with fear. It could be nothing... Maybe it's just a WEIRD coincidence. I'd just keep a watchful eye out. That's all that's required. If you notice something, then take further steps.

 

PS - I've looked up old boyfriend-types, too, and I'm not a stalker. And, it would freak me out if the weird, overbearing ones were right down the street, too. ;)

[lisamarie]

Well, I'd probably do a drive by and check out where he lives and see if you can get any clues from his house. But then I am pretty nosy and I would just wanna know. Maybe you'll get a glimpse of him and know what he looks like now for future reference. And I'd only do this once so you wouldn't turn into a stalker.:tongue_smilie: I would also do a sex offender search just to be on the safe side since that is kinda weird.

 

But then I have run into people I knew several times in other random places so I'm sure it's just coincidence.

[KidsHappen]

When I was married and had just had my second baby in Okinawa, Japan, I ran into my next door neighbor from when I was 12. When I was in Germany, I ran into someone I knew from ten years earlier from Idaho. The world is a small place and crazy stuff like this happens to me all the time. I wouldn't give it another thought.

[iammommy]

He's lived less than a mile from you for four years, you've never caught even a glimpse of him in all that time, but you're afraid he's stalking you? :001_huh:

:iagree:

[iammommy]

"I just wanted to know how he was doing."

 

Why would you want to know how somebody you consider a stalker is doing ???:001_huh:

 

Nan

[Corraleno]

I think some of these replies are kinda harsh. :blink:

 

I've googled all kinds of people from my past just out of curiosity to see where they are or what became of them. (Did Ronnie become a dentist? Did Margaret marry that creep? Etc.) It doesn't mean I necessarily want any contact with them. I'm just being curious and nosy. I assumed the OP was doing the same, and was shocked when she discovered that someone who'd had major boundary issues with her in the past ended up practically down the street from her, far away from where they'd met. Frankly I'd be a little freaked out, too, to discover that a certain guy *I* knew in college, who was quite obsessive, had moved to my town, of all the places in the world he could have ended up. I know it could easily be coincidence, but I would probably be just as unnerved as the OP was.

 

And for the record, I had 2 different stalkers, at two different times in two different towns, when I lived in CA — and I never saw either of them. One left notes, and the other would phone me and leave messages saying what I'd been doing that day, what I'd been wearing, who I'd talked to, etc. — enough info that I knew I'd been watched all. day. long. and yet had no idea who it was. So the fact that the OP hasn't "bumped into" this guy doesn't really mean anything, IMO.

 

Jackie

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I don't think this has been mentioned but...are you sure it's the same guy? I Googled my name (which is not common) and there are three of us out there. Depending upon which one you look at I live in New England, Oregon or Illinois.

 

What proof do you have that this is the same guy?

[elise1mds]

That is bizarre. I had a guy who was... well, he wasn't a stalker per se, but he was close. He married a girl with my same first name and named his son the same thing I named mine. He's on my Facebook now but with *extremely* limited access to my profile and NO access to photos. I think he's gotten past it all by now, but sometimes I wonder...

[staceyobu]

I'd be creeped out too. Really? Other people don't google their past stalkers? I have!

[Love2Smile]

Can you run a background check on someone without their permission? I know the police can, but I don't think an ordinary person can do a real background check without permission. When hired a babysitter for a significant period several years ago, the form we used had to have the person signature and other information/identification to do the background check.

The police cannot randomly run background checks on people for no reason. That wont work. Invasion of privacy and all that. there has to be a VALID reason to do so

[Love2Smile]

I don't think this has been mentioned but...are you sure it's the same guy? I Googled my name (which is not common) and there are three of us out there. Depending upon which one you look at I live in New England, Oregon or Illinois.

 

What proof do you have that this is the same guy?

Good point!

[chris's girl]

I agree that some of the replies are harsh. You're freaked out and just want to know if it's reasonable or not.

Honestly, when I read that you're not from there, have moved a lot and are now in that neighborhood together...it's quite creepy. I would be uncomfortable for sure. This is also from a non-stalker who looked up an abusive boyfriend from years ago on Facebook. Was I stalking him? In no way. I took great comfort in knowing he was half a country away from me.

Anyway, I do agree that since there's been no contact in 4 years that there's probably no problem. But I don't agree that not seeing him is an indication of anything. Just keep your wits about you, but there again, make sure not to assume much of anything about a guy that has left you alone for this long.

[BamaTanya]

I don't think this has been mentioned but...are you sure it's the same guy? I Googled my name (which is not common) and there are three of us out there. Depending upon which one you look at I live in New England, Oregon or Illinois.

 

What proof do you have that this is the same guy?

 

That's what I was thinking. There are 2 other local women who share my first and last name and several men with my dh's first and last names. We had to sign papers stating we were NOT the people who lived at certain other addresses before we were able to close on our house.

 

I have googled a few old friends and found so many hits I couldn't tell if they were the friends I was looking for or not.

 

I wouldn't be concerned at all. Unless he'd made threats in the past and had continued to try to keep contact (through mutual friends/etc) over the years. I would probably think "hmmmm" and go on.

[Danestress]

that if you have a stalker who has not contacted you in 20 years from any distance and who has lived near you without contacting you in any way for four yeras, you have the world's most ideal stalker.

 

I don't think any thing about him in anyway indicates stalking. He has an almost perfect 20 year old track record of NOT stalking you, though prior to 1989 he crossed some boundaries.

[Lovedtodeath]

When did I say I had suddenly become interested in him? I just casually looked up his name last night to see what had become of him. It never occurred to me to do that before.

 

I don't plan to run a background check. I don't think he would do anything wrong. He's a geek and can act inappropriate (or at least he acted that way in the past), but I never felt physically unsafe around him. I have felt (in the past) unsafe as far as my privacy being respected, and with very good reason. He has violated my boundaries and given me the creeps. He is extremely, extremely smart and tech-savvy.

 

I'll just let it go. I don't dislike the guy, and I don't wish him harm. I guess it's just a boundary issue.

Well, if you are being stalked, he is probably reading this, wouldn't you think?:001_huh:

[Carrie12345]

These coincidences happen all. the. time.

 

I live 70 miles from my hometown. I've discovered 3 former classmates living within 5 miles of me (which would be the equivalent of "down the street" in our hometown). My son has gone to school with their kids.

 

My sister grew up in NJ, spent some time in PA, and then graduated from high school in GA... with a guy she went to school with in NJ, and another guy she went to school with in PA.

 

I started randomly gabbing with a women in Walmart last year. Turned out, she was visiting from the town my mother lives in in GA!

 

When we first moved here, dh ran into a familiar face at the gas station. The guy who had lived 3 apartments down from us in NJ turned out to be living in the next development over. He moved first, so I know he wasn't following us!

 

It really is a small world.

[fivetails]

I'd be creeped out too. Really? Other people don't google their past stalkers? I have!

 

You make it sound like everybody has a pocketful of them to check out from time to time. :laugh:

[AppleGreen]

That's what I was thinking. There are 2 other local women who share my first and last name and several men with my dh's first and last names. We had to sign papers stating we were NOT the people who lived at certain other addresses before we were able to close on our house.

 

I have googled a few old friends and found so many hits I couldn't tell if they were the friends I was looking for or not.

 

I wouldn't be concerned at all. Unless he'd made threats in the past and had continued to try to keep contact (through mutual friends/etc) over the years. I would probably think "hmmmm" and go on.

 

Yes, we have an unusual last name and someone w/ my dh's same name (first and last) lives in our community and is in the same line of work. The randomness of life I guess.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't spend any more energy on it. If you were curious enough to wonder what he was up to and then Google him you must not have all bad feelings about him, you know?

[mommaduck]

It's a smaller world than most people think and coincidence is high. Honestly, I contacted someone here in PA about a business opportunity and she was from the state AND town hubby was from. One of my brothers and I are on no speaking terms...he moved to TX, I moved to PA, I found out from FB that he now lives abt 2hrs from me in NJ...at a beach that I almost went to a few weeks ago (we opted for OC, MD instead that day). It's just the way life is. It's part of the whole 6-Degrees of Separation, I think.

[Garga]

I don't think you can have the police do a background check, but in the movies people hire private detectives for stuff like this all the time. Not saying that you should. The thought just popped into my mind.

 

I can easily see where you would just be randomly looking up old friends and then thought, "Ooo. What about creepy John Smith! I wonder where HE is?" and then found out that he was close by and got spooked.

 

I think I'd be wary and careful, even if it's all innocent. And I agree with a pp that it's strange that he called you to tell you he was getting married. Unless you were still "friends" why would he specifically call you to tell you that he's getting married unless he was still interested in you. That's just my take on it.

 

Basically I'm as confused as you are about whether to be nervous or not!

[krisperry]

I think some of these replies are kinda harsh. :blink:

 

I've googled all kinds of people from my past just out of curiosity to see where they are or what became of them. (Did Ronnie become a dentist? Did Margaret marry that creep? Etc.) It doesn't mean I necessarily want any contact with them. I'm just being curious and nosy. I assumed the OP was doing the same, and was shocked when she discovered that someone who'd had major boundary issues with her in the past ended up practically down the street from her, far away from where they'd met. Frankly I'd be a little freaked out, too, to discover that a certain guy *I* knew in college, who was quite obsessive, had moved to my town, of all the places in the world he could have ended up. I know it could easily be coincidence, but I would probably be just as unnerved as the OP was.

 

And for the record, I had 2 different stalkers, at two different times in two different towns, when I lived in CA — and I never saw either of them. One left notes, and the other would phone me and leave messages saying what I'd been doing that day, what I'd been wearing, who I'd talked to, etc. — enough info that I knew I'd been watched all. day. long. and yet had no idea who it was. So the fact that the OP hasn't "bumped into" this guy doesn't really mean anything, IMO.

 

Jackie

 

:iagree:

 

I had a stalker in high school / college. Honestly, I think I only lost him b/c I got married and moved everything out of my name. He stalked me for years and years. I never saw him. Only found notes or people that I worked with would say that he had been in asking about me. He also called and hung up or would leave messages with songs playing. I only went out with him one time and he latched on.

 

If I googled him (which I've done before) and found that he was living 1 mile away, I'd be a basketcase. Wouldn't matter a bit that 12 years had passed since our last contact. Of course I'm in a very rural area and that would play into it. The coincidence would be slightly less concerning if we were in a major metropolitan area. But here? In the middle of nowhere? Um, yeah, I'd be in shock.

 

:grouphug: I don't think you are being a stalker at all. I don't think you are acting in a "crazy" manner. I think you are appropriately shaken. Now that you know (aren't you glad you know!?!), I would definitely keep an eye out.

 

I certainly hope it is nothing more than an coincidence.

[springmama]

I'd trust your gut like someone else said. But, that's just me... My gut is hardly ever wrong.

 

Some guys are just creeps and are truly creepy... and some guys DON'T move on just because they get married... Speaking from experience.

 

What you said about him being savvy makes me think he probably knows where you live. It would just take a quick Google search for anyone in the know.

 

And, him calling you after he was engaged, to me, is a red flag saying he HADN'T moved on, at least not at the time of the phone call. If he had moved, he should have been consumed with passion for his new lady, you'd be NOTHING to him, not even worth a phone call.

 

But, it has been a long, long time and you've seen nothing or heard nothing.

 

I don't think you should let this seize you with fear. It could be nothing... Maybe it's just a WEIRD coincidence. I'd just keep a watchful eye out. That's all that's required. If you notice something, then take further steps.

 

PS - I've looked up old boyfriend-types, too, and I'm not a stalker. And, it would freak me out if the weird, overbearing ones were right down the street, too. ;)

 

I agree 100%