Would you let your almost 15yr old son meet a girl at the mall?

[lynn]

My son asked me this last night and as it turns out the girl asked him to meet her at the mall. This opened up a door for some good conversation. Our answer was, no, we will not allow him to do this, in a group yes, maybe.

[qfbrenda]

I wouldn't allow it even if they were in a group. In a group at my house or the house of another of the friends, assuming a parent would be home and paying attention, would be alright with me. Malls are notoriously bad places for kids to hang out. Unless they are actually shopping for something, I wouldn't want them there.

[Brilliant]

My son asked me this last night and as it turns out the girl asked him to meet her at the mall. This opened up a door for some good conversation. Our answer was, no, we will not allow him to do this, in a group yes, maybe.

 

No. My son is 14 and I can't imagine him even asking that. :) But the answer would be no; it sounds like a date, and our children will not date until they are adults.

[Mrs Mungo]

I recently told my 14 year old dd she could not meet a boy at a mall. Does that answer the question? :D

[Tracy in Ky]

No.

[Julie in CA]

Nope.

[DesertDweller]

Yes, I did. When he was almost fifteen he met her along with a group of friends from coop to go to the movies and then get something to eat at the mall.

[BakersDozen]

lol, sure! If the girl's family came with her and of course our tribe would also be there. It would be a fun family outing. ;) I would probably just show up with all of us in tow, let the girl know that our ds comes as a package deal. If she handled that situation well then she's probably a girl I would want to get to know better. :D As for meeting solo at the mall (or anywhere else for that matter), nope.

[momof8]

NO!!!!!!:iagree:

[fairfarmhand]

nope. not unless there was a family member present. I can't stand the thought of one of my children hanging out, acting like an idiot, and calling attention at themselves at a shopping mall.

[Smithie]

Nobody in this family gets to go to the mall without me until they can drive :001_smile:

 

But yes, that means that my 16 y.o. can go to the mall to meet a friend. Of course, nobody who hasn't been to our home and eaten a meal with our family can reasonably be considered a friend.

 

If this is desperately important to your son and/or the mall is one of the very few places when teens may gather in your area, you might consider going to the mall yourself and letting him wander off for awhile with his friend. It is an unfortunate fact that almost every other place teens can meet at is LESS safe and reputable than the mall.

 

Having grown up in the post-dating era, I am a huge fan of teenage dating. It's the "hanging out" that terrifies me, especially the "hanging out" in some lax household where there is no parent present and no mall cop walking by.

[NanceXToo]

Wow- my only son is just 4 years old so I guess I can't say for sure until I'm IN that situation but my initial thought was yes (and I see I am the only one lol). I used to go hang out at the mall with friends in the game room and stuff when I was like 13 and 14. So if I had a 15 year old who wanted to go (especially if I thought he was a pretty responsible/mature 15 year old who I could trust to hang out, play some video games, get a smoothie, walk around, whatever) and not get himself into trouble, then sure, I would let him hang out with a girl at the mall. I think. :)

[May]

No, she can meet up with girlfriends but not with a boy.

[Jean in Newcastle]

lol, sure! If the girl's family came with her and of course our tribe would also be there. It would be a fun family outing. ;) I would probably just show up with all of us in tow, let the girl know that our ds comes as a package deal. If she handled that situation well then she's probably a girl I would want to get to know better. :D As for meeting solo at the mall (or anywhere else for that matter), nope.

 

I love it! :D

[AlmiraGulch]

I wouldn't based on some conversations I had with my good friend, her 14 year old son and 14 year old step daughter recently.

 

My 13 year old has no interest in hanging out at the mall. It just isn't "the thing to do" where we live. My friend's son and step daughter (they live in another state) used to hang out at the mall regularly until they decided to tell their mother what actually goes on there. :eek: Apparently there are things that go on in dark places (like the family bathroom) that I thought only happened in porn movies. Really.

[Orthodox6]

only if I went and stayed with them.

[Momling]

Wow- my only son is just 4 years old so I guess I can't say for sure until I'm IN that situation but my initial thought was yes (and I see I am the only one lol). I used to go hang out at the mall with friends in the game room and stuff when I was like 13 and 14. So if I had a 15 year old who wanted to go (especially if I thought he was a pretty responsible/mature 15 year old who I could trust to hang out, play some video games, get a smoothie, walk around, whatever) and not get himself into trouble, then sure, I would let him hang out with a girl at the mall. I think. :)

 

I feel the same way... but again, my girls are young, so I could just be naive. But a responsible teenager who is walking around with a friend at the mall seems pretty safe. Except for the overt consumerism and poor quality food, I can't figure out what danger the mall contains that might lead me to prohibit my kids from going there.

[Mrs Mungo]

I feel the same way... but again, my girls are young, so I could just be naive. But a responsible teenager who is walking around with a friend at the mall seems pretty safe. Except for the overt consumerism and poor quality food, I can't figure out what danger the mall contains that might lead me to prohibit my kids from going there.

 

To clarify-my dd has gone shopping with a friend. Meeting up with a member of the opposite sex at the mall isn't generally considered shopping with a friend. It's considered a date. That's my reason.

[happyhomemaker25]

As a friend of a former 15yo girl who met her boyfriend at the mall in a group setting, I would still say no. Because of who my friends were growing up my teenagers will not be spending ANY unsupervised time at the mall. Sorry guys! :glare:

It's way to easy to leave the group and go "hang out" elsewhere. You'd be amazed where my friends found to "hang out" with thier boyfriends.

[SproutMamaK]

For me, it would depend on the boy. If he's generally responsible and has proven himself trustworthy, I would give him the chance. If, however, he's a 'typical' 15 year old, probably not.

[Quickbeam]

I wouldn't allow it even if they were in a group. In a group at my house or the house of another of the friends, assuming a parent would be home and paying attention, would be alright with me. Malls are notoriously bad places for kids to hang out. Unless they are actually shopping for something, I wouldn't want them there.

 

This.

 

And hello, Brenda:). It's Lucy from TBW.

[keptwoman]

Yes, I would, and have.

[LibraryLover]

A bit ago, my teen ds asked if he could go to a movie at the mall with a girl, and I said, "Of course! But please, invite her over for some pizza the night you are gong to the movies, and I will drive you to the mall!" So... she got dropped off for pizza, and I chatted wih the mom. I dropped off at the movies, and the Dad picked up. :) A few weeks later, her parents invited us over for a cook out, and it turns out the grandmother went to school with my mom! :) :lol: We all made an agreement that they could visit each whenever, as long as a parent was also home.

 

Call me a fuddy-duddy. (But call me!). It's been fine. :)

 

This gal is sweet as pie, gets excellent grades, and wants to be an nurse. lol She is kind to my youngest & my little 4 yr old nephew adores her. My teen dd and she are chatty friends. :)

Edited April 29, 2010 by LibraryLover

[NanceXToo]

This just sounds like such a lack of trust in the kids, I don't really get it, I guess. Unless they've given you reason to distrust them, hanging out with a member of the opposite sex is not evil. And either is the mall. I don't know lol. Maybe it's just me. But I don't see the big problem with letting a couple of teenagers spend time together in the mall (or a bowling alley or a roller rink or a video arcade or at the playground or at my house or whatever the case may be)!

[*********]

lol, sure! If the girl's family came with her and of course our tribe would also be there. It would be a fun family outing. ;) I would probably just show up with all of us in tow, let the girl know that our ds comes as a package deal. If she handled that situation well then she's probably a girl I would want to get to know better. :D As for meeting solo at the mall (or anywhere else for that matter), nope.

 

 

:iagree:

 

This.

[Quickbeam]

This just sounds like such a lack of trust in the kids, I don't really get it, I guess.

 

My perspective is that we live in a society that does not protect children. They are encouraged to attach more to their peers than to their parents. The problem with this is that children can't teach other children how to become responsible adults. Making their interactions with peers occur in the context of family is one way to counteract the less desirable forces of the culture. There's a good (secular, BTW) book about this called "Hold On To Your Kids."

[RoughCollie]

No.

[jujsky]

I'd allow it.

[Mejane]

Yes, if it were a girl we knew and liked, but we would be shopping, too. ;)

[juelle]

No. I have better things for him to be doing! :D

[Imprimis]

Well, I don't have an almost 15 yo boy, but I do have an almost 15 yo daughter. I have let her meet an almost 15 yo boy at the mall. My two other children and I stayed at the mall and browsed while my daughter walked and shopped with her friend.

 

I have nothing but the utmost trust in and respect for my daughter and her judgment, so I had absolutely no problem letting her meet with a friend of the opposite sex at the mall.

 

No, it was not a date. My daughter is not interested in dating at her age, and I have no intention of letting her date yet. Two kids of the opposite sex shopping at the mall together does not constitute a date, imo.

Edited April 29, 2010 by Imprimis

[littleWMN]

no way

[Nestof3]

No.

[keptwoman]

This just sounds like such a lack of trust in the kids, I don't really get it, I guess. Unless they've given you reason to distrust them, hanging out with a member of the opposite sex is not evil. And either is the mall. I don't know lol. Maybe it's just me. But I don't see the big problem with letting a couple of teenagers spend time together in the mall (or a bowling alley or a roller rink or a video arcade or at the playground or at my house or whatever the case may be)!

Yes I agree. And I also agree with the poster that just because they are of the opposite sex, it does not mean it's a date. My son has many female friends who are just that; friends.

 

My perspective is that we live in a society that does not protect children. They are encouraged to attach more to their peers than to their parents. The problem with this is that children can't teach other children how to become responsible adults. Making their interactions with peers occur in the context of family is one way to counteract the less desirable forces of the culture. There's a good (secular, BTW) book about this called "Hold On To Your Kids."

My perspective is that as homeschool parents, we are in the unique position of being far more in tune with our kids and in touch with their lives and influential because of the sheer volume of time we spend with them. I have found that the simple act of schooling them at home has meant a much more connected relationship that leaves me much less worried about time spent with friends. Obviously if they spent all day at school with their friends, and then wanted to sacrifice precious and limitedd time with us to spend MORE time with their friends I may feel differently. How priviledged we are!

[Thea]

Probably.

 

The mall is a bit of a drive for me, so I would probably stay and shop.

[gaillardia]

I used to work at the mall...absolutely not.:D

[Pretty in Pink]

Yes, I'd probably allow my ds to meet a girl at the mall at age 15. Our family might stay and shop at the mall while letting the teens wander, I don't know, but I doubt I'd say no.

 

That's a good idea about having the girl over for a meal beforehand and then dropping the kids off.

[Desert Rat]

I'd allow it. We're a ways off yet, so it's possible I change my tune, but I'd be okay with it.

[Night Elf]

Yes.

 

And I've also worked at a mall. :)

[qfbrenda]

 

And hello, Brenda:). It's Lucy from TBW.

 

OT, but hello. :) Fancy meeting you here. :D

 

It's not that I don't trust my sons... but I don't like a one-on-one thing happening unchaperoned, especially at the mall. At our mall there's not much to do beyond window shopping--not something I'm a fan of anyway--or eating out, which is expensive. They can hang out at our house, watch a movie, help with the puzzle we have going, play games, whatever... for free.

[Peela]

My son asked me this last night and as it turns out the girl asked him to meet her at the mall. This opened up a door for some good conversation. Our answer was, no, we will not allow him to do this, in a group yes, maybe.

 

Sure I would. I have no problem with my kid having dates or friends of the opposite sex at all- they have not been inappropriate. Sometimes they go out in groups, sometimes its just a couple of them. Its the mall, not a bedroom.

Its not icky, overly sexual, or anything beyond two young people wanting to spend more time together. It feels normal and healthy to me that young people want to spend time together. We live in an upper middle class area and the mall is not a sleezy place to hang out.

Sorry, i just find it strange that people don't let their teenagers "out" into pretty ordinary situations.

[KidsHappen]

My 13 year old goes with mixed groups of friends to the mall. There is always a parent on premises though. When we are the parents there we usually sit in the food court and read while the kids shop. She has a cell phone so we can call and check progress. She has not shown any interest in boys yet but I would be ok with her meeting a boy at the mall under these conditions.

[Renee in NC]

When my oldest was 15, I dropped him at the mall with friends (including his girlfriend) to see a movie and get something to eat. There was always a set time - enough for the movie and some extra. As far as I know, he went to see the movies he said he was.;)

 

As I said in the other thread about malls and teens - I am not a big fan of groups of teens "hanging out" at the mall for long periods of time. They tend to do stupid things and annoy other shoppers.:tongue_smilie: However, going out with a group of friends to do a planned activity is not the same.

[NanceXToo]

Two kids of the opposite sex shopping at the mall together does not constitute a date, imo.

 

I agree. It isn't automatically a "date" just because they are of the opposite sex and want to spend time together somewhere outside of the home. But even if it WAS a "date"- so what? That's a harmless normal part of growing up and being a teenager. They aren't asking for a bottle of rum and a key to the local motel. They want to go to the mall!

 

My son has many female friends who are just that; friends.

 

Yep. I had boys who were just friends when I was a teen. My 9 year old daughter's best friend on our block is an 8 year old boy. I hope they will still be friends when they are teens. She's got friends who are boys, as well as friends who are girls, within our homeschool group. I don't see anything wrong with it and I don't expect that as soon as she hits puberty I'm going to suddenly forbid her from being friends with these boys or from spending time with them anywhere outside of my line of vision.

 

My perspective is that as homeschool parents, we are in the unique position of being far more in tune with our kids and in touch with their lives and influential because of the sheer volume of time we spend with them. I have found that the simple act of schooling them at home has meant a much more connected relationship that leaves me much less worried about time spent with friends.

 

Yes! This, too. I already "hold onto" my daughter by homeschooling her. I spend TONS of time with her. We do lots of things together and enjoy each other's company. But she enjoys spending time with her friends, too. I won't begrudge her time with her peers. That is a healthy, normal part of growing up, too. I don't think it's reasonable or realistic to expect that kids won't want to spend time with each other outside of their family lives.

 

Sorry, i just find it strange that people don't let their teenagers "out" into pretty ordinary situations.

 

Me too.

 

The thing is, I could see saying "My son wants to meet a girl at the mall, but I don't know if he's responsible enough, he tends to be kind of immature, he got in trouble recently for stealing, there have been reports of violence at that mall, I have reason to think he'd take off with an adult stranger, last time he lied to me and went somewhere he wasn't supposed to," or something along those lines, something that is a real REASON to not want your teen going there without you.

 

But to just say "No way! Not with a girl!" or "No way! Not without my monitoring his every move!"... that just kind of boggles my mind, really. It screams of being distrustful and extremely controlling. I would worry that kids who have THAT tight of a leash kept on them would end up being rebellious, resentful, or doing some really stupid things when they are, say, 18 and finally out of the house or at college because they never had much freedom when they were a bit younger to do the normal things that teens do.

 

Anyway. Just my perspective. Obviously some of us will just have to agree to disagree :D

[Carrie12345]

Mine is 3 years younger but, yes, I would allow him in another 2 or 3 years.

 

BUT, our mall is very small, and I would be shopping/window shopping with all of the littles in tow. :)

 

I personally think it's a great age to take those half-steps to freedom, knowing that kids can get their drivers license a year later, take college classes in the near future, and will become (legally) responsible for themselves in 3 years.

[Renee in NC]

Mine is 3 years younger but, yes, I would allow him in another 2 or 3 years.

 

BUT, our mall is very small, and I would be shopping/window shopping with all of the littles in tow. :)

 

I personally think it's a great age to take those half-steps to freedom, knowing that kids can get their drivers license a year later, take college classes in the near future, and will become (legally) responsible for themselves in 3 years.

 

:iagree:

 

While I won't let a 12yo go to the mall to hangout, there are baby steps between absolutely not and 18yo freedom. You can't limit freedom until 18 and then send them off to college, KWIM? There needs to be intermediate steps in there somewhere.

[Perry]

But I don't see the big problem with letting a couple of teenagers spend time together in the mall (or a bowling alley or a roller rink or a video arcade or at the playground or at my house or whatever the case may be)!

I would have no problem letting my 15 yo dd do those things. Those are all places where they are doing a shared activity. But I have really discouraged them from hanging out at the mall. I don't like that focus on shopping and consumerism.

[Peela]

My perspective is that we live in a society that does not protect children. They are encouraged to attach more to their peers than to their parents. The problem with this is that children can't teach other children how to become responsible adults. Making their interactions with peers occur in the context of family is one way to counteract the less desirable forces of the culture. There's a good (secular, BTW) book about this called "Hold On To Your Kids."

 

Yes, but swinging to the other extreme- not allowing teens to socialise without family at all- is not healthy either. Just because greens are good for us doesn't mean if we only eat greens all day we will be healthy. Balance is always important.

We homeschool. We know all about protecting our kids, and we know all about attaching more to family than to peers- but my perspective is that if I havent set a pretty good foundation by now (my kids are 14 and 15), I have missed the boat. Its time for them to venture out of the home and family base,and spend more time with their peers. It is a natural and healthy phenomenon.

I want the kids to feel confident in themselves that they can handle our society's normal institutions (like malls and friends!) , and not be afraid of the Big Bad World that is out there ready to corrupt them.

The truth is though, I live in Australia and maybe it just is that much safer here, and we dont have the same culture of fear that sounds prevalent over in the U.S.

[LibraryLover]

Sure I would. I have no problem with my kid having dates or friends of the opposite sex at all- they have not been inappropriate. Sometimes they go out in groups, sometimes its just a couple of them. Its the mall, not a bedroom.

Its not icky, overly sexual, or anything beyond two young people wanting to spend more time together. It feels normal and healthy to me that young people want to spend time together. We live in an upper middle class area and the mall is not a sleezy place to hang out.

Sorry, i just find it strange that people don't let their teenagers "out" into pretty ordinary situations.

 

 

Yeah, my kids are not mall people, but there is a theater at the mall and a food court by the theater. So, it's not like there is nothing to do at the mall. And I personally think that window shopping is a way to walk and chat without spending money. Especially if you live in an area where there is no place to walk outside, or it's too hot or freezing or raining. My first date with my husbnad was a movie at the mall, and a bite to eat. It was a simple, straightforward thing to do that hundreds of other people were also doing. It was an open, public place, not a dark alley. lol Our next date was going to a restaurant to eat and then bowling. lol It was winter, otherwise we might have walked on the beach after going to a resturant. If we lived in Rome, we would have had something to eat in the piazza (where I have seen local kids making out and laughing hysterically...and smoking!) and walked around the area, probably looking in the shop windows. Such a subversive act, right? There is nothing innately sinister whatsover about any of the above.

Edited April 29, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Quickbeam]

Peela, I appreciate your perspective (here and in other threads). I didn't articulate my point well, but I'll give it one last go.

 

The specific question was about malls, and I have to say that the mall is the very last place I'd allow my child to go without family. Malls exist to stoke the fires of consumerism, and though they may choose to shop at them later in life, they won't do it under my short watch.

 

More broadly speaking, I find that having parents or other trusted adults within earshot helps young people have an "out" if they need one. We'd all like to imagine our children as independent thinkers and movers, but the reality for many adolescents is, well, adolescence- a time of insecurity and figuring out one's identity and all that good stuff. In a way, I think groups of 7-year olds would be OK at the mall in a way that 15 year olds aren't (OK, not in a US mall- maybe in a Danish mall;)).

 

My kids are tiny, but I have a teen niece and I taught middle schoolers for a time, in case anyone wonders how I got so mouthy on the subject.

Edited April 29, 2010 by Quickbeam