s/o: if you have bought a house, did parents help you?

[melissel]

No, and I find it a disturbing trend that parents pay for or partially pay for their adult children's homes. Even more disturbing is that this trend seems to have bred a sense of entitlement to such a thing in a good portion of a generation (or two?).

 

Who here showed any indication of entitlement? I've seen people say they hope to be able to do the same for their children, but no one said their kids are counting their parents' pennies and planning what to do with their inheritances. Parents have been helping to launch their children into adult lives for generations--I don't think ours is any different. Strong-arming parents out of their money is one thing. Why would you judge gifts (or in most cases, loans) given freely and out of love? :confused:

[ereks mom]

But I see nothing wrong with parents helping their children buy a house IF the parents are in a position to be able to do so.

[Caraway]

I wonder how much this varies by region. Some first houses are MUCH more expensive than others. :glare:

[Mrs Mungo]

I wonder how much this varies by region. Some first houses are MUCH more expensive than others. :glare:

 

This is very true. My parents' first house cost $20k. Our first house cost $116k. A starter home here costs around $250k.

[bettyandbob]

entitlement.

 

Although I was the youngest, I did not know my parents were going to offer me anything. I thought when my brother purchased a house it was a business deal between the 2 of them, with my parents owning a percentage and expecting a percentage of the equity. I didn't know about my sister getting a down payment gift at all. So, it was a surprise when it was offered.

 

I don't know how the sense of entitlement develops. My sister seems to have some sense of entitlement ("My husband and I have X degrees and Y jobs so why don't we have Z? or we should have Z.") My brother has always earned enough to have a comfortable lifestyle, but I don't think he cares that much. All 3 of us have worked from young ages ( started with babysitting, had jobs planting trees and picking up trash, then lifeguarding and teaching swimming). Our parents made big deal about the cost of things and did not buy us stuff. They did encourage saving and making smart purchases (my dad knows a lot about bikes so he was with me for my first big purchase of a bicycle).

 

My parents made a big deal about work ethic and saving. I never had the latest styles in clothes. I felt guilty asking for new cleats, even though dad wanted us to do high school sports. We never took a vacation. I recognized immediately the results of their frugality when they paid for our college education. I was grateful for that, especially when I had friends taking out loans. I guess they were more frugal than they planned because they felt comfortable enough to offer some down payment money. But I never ever thought I should ask.

 

Of course my mom once told me I was the child she thought she'd never have to worry about, because I was willing to work hard. I don't believe she thinks she has to worry about my brother either. I there was a time when he was an impulsive teen, she might have thought "he'll never support himself". My sister on the other hand would have to be homeless before she'd consider certain jobs and even then she might not because in her opinion "she has certain degrees and she's above that kind of work". She needs to live in a way that she feels reflects her education. Whatever that is.

 

The thing is all three of us had the same parents. We are within 5 years, so there was no giant change in parenting. Maybe as the oldest my sister resented having to be responsible and as the youngest I was always trying to prove I was responsible. Who knows.

[dangermom]

My grandmother loaned us some money so that we had enough for a good down payment, which helped a lot. It was a real loan that got paid back early--it was a big help as we bought in CA in 2000, right before all heck broke loose in the local housing market.

[Dandelion]

No. Not with my first house nor the house DH and I bought together.

[lynn]

No, we followed Larry Burkett's advice and saved 20% for a down payment.

Edited April 25, 2010 by lynn

[Hillary in KS]

No, and I find it a disturbing trend that parents pay for or partially pay for their adult children's homes. Even more disturbing is that this trend seems to have bred a sense of entitlement to such a thing in a good portion of a generation (or two?).

 

:iagree:

 

I've noticed that as well.

[lollie010]

We recently purchased our first home after 14 years of marriage. We did not have any financial assistance from the family. And that is fine. We did a Dave Ramsey course and would have been reluctant to accept money even if it had been offered.

[FairProspects]

I wonder how much this varies by region. Some first houses are MUCH more expensive than others. :glare:

 

:iagree:Many people around here have help to get into houses. The leaders of the huge pre-marriage seminar at our church even stated that family help was one of the most common avenues for down payments in our region.

[Guest SAHM-I-Am]

Twice our parents have loaned us money for the down payment on a house (we paid them back the entire amount on both within 2 years), and right now we are in the process of buying a house that they are co-signing on for us, which many consider to be a "no-no" but isn't always. Saying "if you can't afford it yourself you shouldn't buy" isn't always an accurate description of every situation. So I voted OTHER.

Edited April 25, 2010 by SAHM-I-Am

[phathui5]

Dh's mom gave us $10,000 towards buying our house.

[m0mmaBuck]

No help whatsoever.

[justamouse]

We were offered, but we turned it down. His parents are always there to offer. They helped start both his sister's and our business, and it was an incredible blessing.

 

If I am in the position I absolutely will help. My Nana helped Mom with me and dance classes and clothes, my friend's parents help with her private schooling. It's what families do. I see it in a lot of immigrant families. My one BF sends her parents $ every month and they all pool to buy houses. When she wanted to move home, she got a house, free of charge. They all help eachother, and they know when they need everyone will help them. I can only pray my family is as tight knit.

[Rosie_0801]

Dh's parents helped his sister out when she bought a house, so they've said they'll do the same for dh when it is time. We've no idea what that help will be, but his sister bought a place that would be impossible to repay on one income, so whatever it is, it sounds worth having! My aunt said she'd help us too, in return for me looking after her in her dotage. I've no idea if that's still her intention, but I'll be doing it anyway though according to our last conversation, she's not intending to live long enough to have a dotage. My relatives are weird. If they want to talk about money, they talk to dh, never me.

 

Rosie

[Pippen]

We didn't need the help as we had enough saved for a sizable down payment ($25,000), but my in laws offered to loan us $10,000 so we could have lower monthly payments. We paid them back in nine months.

 

We definitely couldn't pull that off now with three kids and one income.

[Nicole M]

entitlement.

 

I don't know how the sense of entitlement develops.

 

I've been thinking about this all day. My sense, working at a college where the culture is one where we "take care of" the students, I do see many students who display a great deal of the entitlement mentality. My sense, based solely on observation and not any real data, is that the attitude masks pretty deep dysfunction, and that the issues are about not so much about the "stuff," but about learned patterns of engagement with the parents.

 

To answer the OP's question, my parents did not help. We still live in our starter home and, I expect, always will. Times have changed. We bought this house for $50,000. It would sell for five times that now, 18 years later. If our children decide to settle in this area, they will have a hard time buying a home without help, and without two incomes, even a dumpy house in a bad neighborhood. I really feel sorry for young couples buying houses now, and hope I will be able to offer some help if I can and there is need. My boys do not expect it though.

[Krista in LA]

I said yes. When we decided to build a new house, my parents loaned us $2k that we needed towards the down payment until we sold our first house. My dh bought our first house with no help from anyone, including me.

[Amber in AUS]

My IL's didn't help in any way shape or form. My parents didn't help financially but they did talk through the paperwork with us for the first house we purchased, I put 'No'.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's what families do. I see it in a lot of immigrant families. My one BF sends her parents $ every month and they all pool to buy houses. When she wanted to move home, she got a house, free of charge. They all help eachother, and they know when they need everyone will help them. I can only pray my family is as tight knit.

 

This is so true of the immigrant family that I married into. But it goes both ways. We've helped to put two cousins through college (in the Philippines where it costs a LOT less). My SIL gives us free eye exams (she's an optometrist). It's all part of being in this big family. The housing help was just part of it.

[LauraGB]

Dh's parents co-signed for our first house; it was a condemned, complete gut-and-remodel joint in a lousy neighborhood. They did it so we could "get started". We probably could have afforded the loan (a whopping $32,000:lol:), but we had no credit -neither good, nor bad. It was a gracious, unsolicited move by them. We worked very hard on the house (it took 6 months of work before it was even in move-in-while-we-still-worked-but-at-least-the-rats-were-gone condition, worked our jobs, learned a lot of hands on stuff, and turned it into a beautiful home and more than doubled our investment when we sold it 3 years later, after our dc were born.

 

So, yes, they did help. But not by giving us the money.

[tex-mex]

Haven't read beyond the poll -- 20+ years ago, my ILs let us assume the deed on their rental home without a down payment. We did not owe them any $$$. It was a huge generous gift that jump started us in life. We fixed it up and later sold it for a huge profit ($40K) for a down payment on another home. ILs did not want to be paid back. Amazing folk.

Edited April 26, 2010 by tex-mex

[KJsMom]

Neither my parents nor my husband's parents helped us buy our home, and we didn't expect them to. My husband worked hard and we saved until we had a good down payment. Our parents worked hard to provide for us when we were growing up, we figured at this point it is our responsibility to provide for our own children. It took 10 years but we finally did it this past August!

[kathkath]

we borrowed about $700 from the ILs. We had a nice downpayment but were practically scrounging under the sofa looking for enough to bump us to the 20% mark so we wouldn't have to pay pmi.

[ecj98]

Our parents did not give us any money for the down payment, closing costs, etc. My parents did, however, help us with moving, unloading, unpacking, etc.

[melissel]

NM, I don't even have the mental energy tonight. Instead, I will indeed "step off" :001_rolleyes:

Edited April 26, 2010 by melissel
Don't care for a debate

[kokotg]

I answered "they loaned money," but the answer probably requires clarification. For our first house, they didn't help, except in the sense that a generous wedding gift from my in-laws probably made it possible for us to come up with a down payment sooner than we otherwise would have. But the gift wasn't earmarked for a down payment and they would have given us the same amount no matter what we used it for.

 

When we moved into our second house, we had just moved to another state and DH didn't yet have a job here. We could have gotten a loan on our own, but we would have needed to get a no income verification loan (although we would have refinanced within a few months when DH started his teaching job), so the interest rate would have been higher. My FIL offered to, essentially, be our mortgage company. He loaned us the money and we send him a payment every month, with the same interest rate we would have paid to another lender with a regular loan. So he did loan us the money, but it's an investment for him as well as a way to help us out. It saved us some money in interest in the beginning, and now I figure we can be pretty sure we won't get foreclosed on if DH loses his job ;), but other than that it's the same as having a regular loan.

[melissel]

If our children decide to settle in this area, they will have a hard time buying a home without help, and without two incomes, even a dumpy house in a bad neighborhood. I really feel sorry for young couples buying houses now, and hope I will be able to offer some help if I can and there is need. My boys do not expect it though.

 

This is the problem we'll have too. My kids would have to start saving now if they want to afford a house around here on one income, ever! Our "starter house" was a co-op apartment, then we bought this smallish, older home, as is. Our choice to stay home and homeschool means that we'll likely never move from this house, in what I would consider a somewhat declining neighborhood in a declining school system, unless we move to another state (and DH won't allow that). For us, it will probably be a choice between helping to pay for college or helping them financially with a home.

[Prairie~Phlox]

Early in our marriage, dh and I bought a fixer upper that was a huge mistake. We live in that house for 11 years and had some debt, I wanted to walk away from it, dh didn't. Four years ago my FIL offered to help us get out from under it and into something else. It was a huge blessing and never would have asked for help. The house that we now "rent" (yes we do make house payments to him and pay for insurance & taxes) will some day be our inheritance. If I had the money and saw my children struggling, I would do the same thing. We have been extremely blessed the past couple of years and though it was really hard for us to except the help, I grateful that they were able to give it.

[Sunshine State Sue]

My sister and brother-in-law have 5 girls. When each of the 2 oldest girls graduated from college, they were encouraged to move back home for a year. They lived rent free, saved 1/2 their income, and each bought a condo with the money they saved during their year or so at home after college.

 

I admire my sister and brother-in-law. Not only did they give their dds a terrific start in young adulthood, but they kept them close to home as well.

 

The 3 youngest are still in college now.

[Crimson Wife]

I wonder how much this varies by region. Some first houses are MUCH more expensive than others. :glare:

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Don't judge another until you've walked a mile in his/her shoes.

 

It's easy to be all "holier than thou" about paying for 100% of one's housing costs without any family assistance when one lives in the backwoods of Canada where prices are low. The median home price in the metro region where I live is $499k. And that's AFTER the big decline. In mid-2007 the median home price was a whopping $668k. :eek:

[cjbeach]

My sister and brother-in-law have 5 girls. When each of the 2 oldest girls graduated from college, they were encouraged to move back home for a year. They lived rent free, saved 1/2 their income, and each bought a condo with the money they saved during their year or so at home after college.

 

I admire my sister and brother-in-law. Not only did they give their dds a terrific start in young adulthood, but they kept them close to home as well.

 

The 3 youngest are still in college now.

I *love* this idea... a friend's dad had him fork over "room and board" once he started working....I forget the amount per week but it wasn't too terrible. Two years later he got engaged and started talking house purchase. It was only when it came down to looking at houses that his dad whipped out a bank statement with all of his "room and board" money to put toward his first home!

The father did this for both of his boys.

[Desert Rat]

My parents did nothing monetarily to help us buy the house. BUT they were so helpful explaining the various processes to us and helping us bless the home and move in. They even bought a really nice dinner the night we moved in. Of course, they were thrilled we moved just 2 blocks away. :o

[CAMom]

I voted "other." :)

 

My mom sold us her house. I guess, in a way, she "helped" us because she gave us a decent price (but it needed a ton of work) and we were able to avoid a realtor.

[eternalknot]

I explained in the other thread that we typically received a cash amount for our engagements, which could be put towards anything - the wedding, cars, student loans, or down payment on a home. I eloped ($75 for the whole shebang), and because of that it was understood that I was giving up any cash gift of my own.

 

My family bought a condo for me to live in while I attended college out of state. They figured in the long run, it was cheaper than an apartment. They wanted me to focus on school. Upon graduation, that condo was gifted to me. I left the state for a job, and rented that condo out. It was paid off, so it was all profit. With that, I bought a fourplex near the army base we had transferred to. When my younger brother left the state for college, I used the income from the fourplex to help purchase a condo for him. We paid it off in full before he graduated. He and I then used our rental income to purchase three more fourplexes near the base. We eventually sold all of our fourplexes at a sizeable profit, and re-invested that into other properties with and for our family to use. Currently, my kids' dad is living rent-free in the condo I helped to purchase for my brother years ago. It's payback for all those years he let me use his housing allowance (during deployments) to put into properties for my family. I always went home to my parents when he deployed, so we didn't really need the money.

 

My parents aren't wealthy, and they had lots of kids :D they alone haven't helped our family with college, weddings, cars, or homes ... it's a collective help from the whole of the family. There is no entitlement because nobody is getting something for nothing. I think that's a distinction being missed in some parts of this thread. On the contary, we feel a bigger obligation to contribute back the generosity of our family!

 

Short answer: our money is all jumbled up together. Not just our parents, but my siblings and me. It's all about maximizing our resources by sharing them. We've helped THE FAMILY, as opposed to any one individual person - whether we're discussing homes, educations, or multigenerational living. It's all very fluid.

[jld]

Crimson Wife, I don't think anyone is trying to be "holier than thou". If anything, I think at least some people who have paid for their housing 100% by themselves look in awe at those who have had help. A lot of people would probably have appreciated help, but it simply was not going to happen, for various reasons. While they may look at paying for it themselves now in a more reflective, seeing-the-benefits light, they may have loved to have had someone say, "Son (Daughter, etc.), I know this is going to be a stretch for you; please, how can I help you with this?"

 

Differences in resources can really be a sore spot for some people. It doesn't bother some people at all, but others are sensitive about it. They may have had to turn down a great job because they couldn't afford the housing in an area, or had to move away from family because they couldn't afford to live in the same area anymore. It's not that they don't want others to have the advantages they've had; they just wish they could have had them, too.

[Crimson Wife]

Crimson Wife, I don't think anyone is trying to be "holier than thou". If anything, I think at least some people who have paid for their housing 100% by themselves look in awe at those who have had help.

 

That's not how I personally interpreted the following quote. Seems pretty darn self-righteous from where I'm standing!

 

No, and I find it a disturbing trend that parents pay for or partially pay for their adult children's homes. Even more disturbing is that this trend seems to have bred a sense of entitlement to such a thing in a good portion of a generation (or two?).

 

I think you're right though about "sour grapes" playing into certain of the posts in this thread.

[jld]

Please be careful, Crimson Wife. You might see things differently if you were in some other posters' shoes.

[Audrey]

That's not how I personally interpreted the following quote. Seems pretty darn self-righteous from where I'm standing!

 

 

 

I think you're right though about "sour grapes" playing into certain of the posts in this thread.

 

 

Maybe it sounds self-righteous because you feel guilty??

[Rosie_0801]

Unless anyone bought their houses with money they obtained from money obtained illegally or immorally, no one has anything to feel guilty over. I bet no one robbed a bank or threatened to post online pics of their parents wearing only bath towels if they didn't cough up. If anyone sponged money off their parents and is lying around on a sofa watching Dr Phil instead of taking their parents to their eye specialist appointments, you can feel guilty.

 

We're all good now?

 

:p

Rosie- thinking we can't win 'em all, but it's nice when someone is winning something. Don't you agree?

[KathyBC]

I do not know *anyone* who was able to get a mortgage without help in some form or another. I don't know if it's a Canadian thing or if I just don't move in the right circles, but in every situation I am familiar with, all the banks require a co-signer for a first-time mortgage.

[Crimson Wife]

Maybe it sounds self-righteous because you feel guilty??

 

No, actually I don't. We have paid back every penny my parents loaned to us. There is absolutely no more shame in borrowing from my folks than in borrowing from the bank. And the portion of our down portion that we saved all by ourselves is likely more than the entire purchase price of many of the posters who feel so smug (even if it was only 15% of our home's cost). How many of those who did it all by themselves had to come up with a down payment well over 6 figures? Anyone?

[Audrey]

No, actually I don't. We have paid back every penny my parents loaned to us. There is absolutely no more shame in borrowing from my folks than in borrowing from the bank. And the portion of our down portion that we saved all by ourselves is likely more than the entire purchase price of many of the posters who feel so smug (even if it was only 15% of our home's cost). How many of those who did it all by themselves had to come up with a down payment well over 6 figures? Anyone?

 

 

BTDT. While it's none of your business how much we paid for the farm, the initial payment was in excess of 6 figures all scrimped and saved by dh and I alone. And, it is all paid off now by us and us alone.

[jld]

It's great you were able to do this. It's great your parents were able to help. It's great your husband was able to get a graduate degree from Harvard. I'm sure you are enjoying your house, its location, and being back at home full-time with your children. No doubt you appreciate all of that. All of us who are fortunate enough to have the means and the free time to spend posting here are privileged people in this world, and truly have much to be grateful for.

[Audrey]

All of us who are fortunate enough to have the means and the free time to spend posting here are privileged people in this world, and truly have much to be grateful for.

 

True that. :001_smile:

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

No, and I find it a disturbing trend that parents pay for or partially pay for their adult children's homes. Even more disturbing is that this trend seems to have bred a sense of entitlement to such a thing in a good portion of a generation (or two?).

:iagree:

[Audrey]

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Don't judge another until you've walked a mile in his/her shoes.

 

It's easy to be all "holier than thou" about paying for 100% of one's housing costs without any family assistance when one lives in the backwoods of Canada where prices are low. The median home price in the metro region where I live is $499k. And that's AFTER the big decline. In mid-2007 the median home price was a whopping $668k. :eek:

 

It may be the backwoods, baby, but we paid well more than your median for this farm. And, yes you should check your holier than thou at the door. You're trying way too hard.

[jld]

Audrey, you are an amazing woman. You bought a farm without any help, paid it off, and yet are humble enough to be understanding of others who may not be as strong as yourself.

 

Would you consider moving back to America and running for president in 2016?

[hsmamainva]

Audrey, you are an amazing woman. You bought a farm without any help, paid it off, and yet are humble enough to be understanding of others who may not be as strong as yourself.

 

Would you consider moving back to America and running for president in 2016?

 

AUDREY FOR PRESIDENT!! :iagree:

 

:party:

 

I'll be your campaign manager! :D