How do you respond to or handle those who feel your kids are sheltered?

[rafiki]

.

[Tidbits of Learning]

I wouldn't defend my choices and would point out that I wasn't trying to get them to defend their parenting choices. In short, it is none of their business and change the subject.

[newbie]

And in their eyes this is a negative thing?

 

Background: I have three boys who are close in age (9.5, 8, and almost 6), but also very good friends. They always have someone to play with. As a family we have a blast together. Dh and I actively play with them, we do our field trips as a family, we do many projects together, and just thoroughly enjoy them. Dh is a very involved father and a team player when it comes to raising them. The kids are very helpful, sincere, and good children. They get compliments everywhere we go. They've never had a baby sitter other then my mom a handful of times, we just take them with us. Dh and I have "date nights" when they go to bed, we just don't enjoy or see a need for us to go out to have a date night. I do have them take standarized testing yearly and they score at or above in all areas. School goes smoothly, we are just really enjoying our life. The boys take 6 weeks of summer swimming lessons and have since they were old enough to do so. My older two were in Karate, until we moved 2 years ago, we checked into karate here and it's a a money maker and a different style, my middler wasn't really into it and my oldest asked not to continue. We've tried homeschool groups previously and they just weren't a good fit for us. The first time at a gym homeschool group we ended up at the hospital for stitches, it was so unorganized. We tried another that was an art group and the following week one of the kids would always be sick. It just wasn't worth the hassle for something we already do plenty of at home. My kids are around other people often, we don't hide at home, they just don't run around the neighborhood unsupervised like so many others their age. They actually know how to and prefer to communicate with adults. We have a lot of friends who are keep up with the Jones' type and have their kids in multiple activities, always running here or there and are rarely home. It's just not a life we want.

 

Anyway, I'm getting comments lately saying my 9.5 year old wouldn't still believe in Santa if he were around more kids his age. My kids need to know how to handle bullies and not have their feelings hurt? My kids need other children to play with. My kids are naive, etc. How do you respond?

 

:grouphug:It sounds to me like you are being a great mom. There is nothing wrong with protecting or caring for your kids. That is your job.

 

I still to this day get those comments, but right now both my dd's are sooo busy w/high school they dont have much time for anything else. So, I just ignore people. After much time, family members have seen that my girls are very bright and wonderful manners.

 

Our last outing my nephew was dancing all over the restaurant and niece was very loud, they are older than eight. My girls were well behaved and quiet and quite frankly shocked at their misbehavior. Their mom never once reprimanded either.

 

To each his own.

[SilverMoon]

I wouldn't defend my choices and would point out that I wasn't trying to get them to defend their parenting choices. In short, it is none of their business and change the subject.

:iagree: Offer bean dip. :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

It depends on who is saying it.

 

If it is a stranger, I just laugh and move on without even a response.

 

If it is a neighbor or an acquaintance, I will say a one liner like "Bullies are everywhere. We've even met them in the neighborhood." (and we have). or "I love that my children get to be children!" (re. the Santa comment) or "We all have challenges in life. I just want mine to have the capacity to handle them."

 

If it is family . . . I might try to explain. But mostly I would go to the one liners as stated above. And then I would pass the bean dip.

[Cindy in NY]

I could have written your post except my 3 boys are older, 9, 11 and 12.

 

I just ignore most people. Our lives look different than theirs and we obviously disagree about whose looks better. I am at a point in my life where I don't tolerate many things or people that are stressful or drama-creating, so those people tend to fall to the wayside in my world.

[In The Great White North]

Anyway, I'm getting comments lately saying my 9.5 year old wouldn't still believe in Santa if he were around more kids his age. My kids need to know how to handle bullies and not have their feelings hurt? My kids need other children to play with. My kids are naive, etc. How do you respond?

 

My dc believed in Santa at 9.5 too and they were in school then.

 

But mostly I would go to the one liners as stated above. And then I would pass the bean dip. Today 01:49 PM

 

:iagree: They've chosen different values and probably can't be convinced anyway.

[Daisy]

I bow out of the conversation as gracefully as I can.

 

Then I go home and indulge in fantasy come-backs.

[Maryalice]

This too will pass. :001_smile:

 

I don't have to answer this anymore and before you know it, you will not have to answer it either. My oldest is is graduating law school, #2 graduating BS math, going for PhD and getting married, #3 heading for pre-med and others still at home, happily sheltered.

 

What I mean to emphasize is that "the proof is in the pudding," and now I have pudding.

 

I basically had to ignore the comments for many years with a confident smile and a change of subject. But here we are....my children have come out of their "scheltered lives" quite fine compared to their public school cousins who are all basic "messes".

 

Have confidence in your parenting/homeschooling.

~ blessings on your journey.

[Laurie4b]

I think it depends on who is saying it and what their motivation is.

 

If they love you and have a concern, I think listening to it and reflecting it (So you're worried that our kids are not getting the social exposure they need?) is a good way to handle it. For one thing, sometimes people do have wisdom to speak into our lives, for another, someone with a true concern is much more likely to feel that you're taking the concern seriously if you show that you are truly listening. Often, they are more likely to be comforted if you've shown that this is something that you've weighed out, then if they feel blown off. You may gain their support, or at least their "agree to disagree" response rather than se yourself up for other times to try to convince you.

 

If they are just being nosy or intrusive and lack true concern, then a one line answer and passing the bean dip seem like appropriate responses.

[mirth]

1. I would probably re-phrase briefly what they said and comment that I would think about it. (which I would, but I didn't say how long I would think about it.)

 

2. If they pushed it after that in the same conversation, I would ask them to discuss what actual problems they feel that my kids face right now. If they know my kids well, and are aware of some problem that I am not, I would love to hear about it!

 

3. If they could say nothing useful to the above, then I would more or less do #1 again.

 

4. If they still kept on, I would say that this conversation is becoming a bit fruitless and tiresome to me and if we could move on to another topic. I said I would think about it. And yes I would use words like "fruitless" and "tiresome".

[ConnieB]

It's just not a life we want.

 

Anyway, I'm getting comments lately saying my 9.5 year old wouldn't still believe in Santa if he were around more kids his age. My kids need to know how to handle bullies and not have their feelings hurt? My kids need other children to play with. My kids are naive, etc. How do you respond?

 

 

"It's just a life we want"....that pretty much sums up OUR philosphy of homeschool vs. public school. You just have to be careful not to verbalize that because it always seems to come out sounding superior (which I secretly believe we are, but won't ever condemn someone for different choices).

 

As for the Santa....my teen is still believing in Santa...enough that when I said no, I wasn't going to get her an video ipod she responded with "Well, I'll just ask Santa" (Santa gave her the mp3 last year).

 

I have no problem with my children being naive or having an active enough imagination to still believe that someone other than their parents swoops in and gives them gifts. I'm all for it. They grow up quickly enough I'm not interested in pushing them from behind. And if they're 25 and still believing in Santa than their Dad or I will sneak into their apartment and leave something!

 

We chose a different path from most people and our children reflect that path. They are very smart and not embarassed to show it (but hopefully without attitude, lol).....we know too many smart public schoolers who speak and act around other PSers as though they were much less so....and yet when the PSers are gone they'll engage their brains again with us. Because it's ok to be smart in my house. And expected. My children, even my teen, will still scoop up my hand when we're in public and hold it unabashedly....and they never ask me to drop them off a block away....and they don't avoid me at social gatherings....and heavens! they'll even hug and kiss me when others can see. And I'm proud of them for that and wouldn't change a thing.

 

I never try to change someone else's mind if they express the belief that our way is somehow wrong or harmful.....I simply accept that they believe that and I don't. I no longer have a bloody forehead for pounding it against the wall since I've taken this attitude. When people insist on trying to change ME, I simply listen nod, make appropriate non-committal comments and plot my exit. When someone gets in my face about it, I simply tell them to spend some time with my kids before they decide they are social misfits or whatever.....the proof is in the pudding and frankly, most of the people bold enough to push me too far are the ones with children who are the most troubled (i.e. less than smart, brats, social misfits, troublemakers etc). And honestly, I will do everything in my power to be sure MY kids don't turn out like theirs....so I will zig when that family zags, lol. And......I try to remember Shakespeare ...."methinks thou dost protest too much" and feel pity for them.

 

You won't change them, they won't change you, so be the wiser and remember this and just move on. Because in my experience....they never will.

[elizabeth]

This will likely make you guffaw a bit given my reputation as an outspoken progressive/liberal in this particular group but, I love Michael Medved's book on this very issue. Here is the link. It was a life changing book for me in terms of witholding certain info from my child with good cause ,that of allowing her to be a child.

http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Childhood-Protecting-Children-Innocence/dp/0060932244/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_5 I love this book and it gives many reasons to shelter children from certain realities that they need not deal with in the fashion that the ps seem to.

[momtoboys]

Didn't read all the responses.

 

I do feel for families where I feel the kids are too sheltered. (Mostly because I think I was way, way too sheltered and lonely as a child. . .pretty isolated, in fact.)

 

I have made it a priority for my kids *not* to be sheltered. For instance, this is our schedule for the coming week socially:

 

Today: 3 year old's friend over for a playdate

Sunday: Church & Sunday School (age-appropriate classes for both kids w/ their friends from church)

Monday: playdate for 7 year old w/ friend. Afternoon playdate w/ friend for both kids

Tuesday: 3 year old goes to preschool (one day a week; play-based)

Wednesday: Play at friend's house in the morning; 7 year old has gymnastics; Awana at night

Thursday: playdate w/ neighbors

Friday: Chess class for 7 year old

 

And we typically have at least that much socialization. I would be sad if I thought my children were lonely. They are also the type of kids that thrive on social activities (I totally understand some children do not!)

 

But. . I would *never* judge a family for how much they chose to socialize their children, unless I thought there was abuse or something going on.

[Starr]

Soon they'll worry the kids will miss the prom. We just have to hang on to our convictions. As for Santa, I hate it when the no Santa rumors start each year. :D

[TravelingChris]

I think there are only 2 times in 15 years of homeschooling I have heard that comment personally. THe first was the year I sided and I was out to lunch with the other museum guides for our holiday lunch. I didn't have to say anything because the other museum guides, all older than me, many much older, shot her down. Then last year, at a youth parents meeting for our church youth group, another set of parents issued that statement along with being salt and light. They had homeschooled and now were not. Well, actually, that lasted only a few more months, and their daughter came home since she was learning nothing in school and not having those great social moments.

 

As it is, my children probably have more activities than they would in school. That is because we school year round and because we have the flexibility to do school at any time. They all have attended plenty of events with non homeschoolers but in reality, activities with the homeschool soccer group or the homeschool co-op are not noticebaly different than activities at church or with the swim and dive team (neighborhood based). Are they shelter from disaffected youths who have nothing better to do than drugs and alcohol? Yes but they would be even if they were in school. I attended high school in the same area and I kept myself busy and out of trouble. My kids have been brought up this way and thankfully it has worked. ( Blessings and prayers for those who have children struggling with these problems- this is not a blaming game and I am not judging your parenting because I am all too aware that some who have everything going well choose otherwise).

[Sputterduck]

Didn't read all the responses.

 

I do feel for families where I feel the kids are too sheltered. (Mostly because I think I was way, way too sheltered and lonely as a child. . .pretty isolated, in fact.)

 

I have made it a priority for my kids *not* to be sheltered. For instance, this is our schedule for the coming week socially:

 

Today: 3 year old's friend over for a playdate

Sunday: Church & Sunday School (age-appropriate classes for both kids w/ their friends from church)

Monday: playdate for 7 year old w/ friend. Afternoon playdate w/ friend for both kids

Tuesday: 3 year old goes to preschool (one day a week; play-based)

Wednesday: Play at friend's house in the morning; 7 year old has gymnastics; Awana at night

Thursday: playdate w/ neighbors

Friday: Chess class for 7 year old

 

And we typically have at least that much socialization. I would be sad if I thought my children were lonely. They are also the type of kids that thrive on social activities (I totally understand some children do not!)

 

But. . I would *never* judge a family for how much they chose to socialize their children, unless I thought there was abuse or something going on.

 

Sheltering and socialization are two entirely different things. Sheltering can be not letting your 5 year old watch R movies. Lack of socialization might mean your child never has any friends.

 

I'm all for sheltering my child.

[Supertechmom]

To my family, I just point out all the problems with each of my sibling's kids. Messed up can be an understatement. I could choose the same path and take the same chance or I can try a different path to avoid what appears to be a bad road. To all others, I just nod and say Glad you are concerned thanks and figure out how to get away quickly or change the subject.

[Quad Shot Academy]

My kids need to know how to handle bullies and not have their feelings hurt? My kids need other children to play with. My kids are naive, etc. How do you respond?

 

I also, could have written your post. We do a lot of socializing, but it is mostly very structured. If it is strangers saying it, I say something positive like tell them that my focus is on finding consistent socialization opportunities for the kids, with children of likemindedness. Or talk about how close our family is and how much fun we have together.

 

If it is a friend or family member, I evaluate if it is true, if it something that I want to change and how I could change it within my own limits. Numerous people were telling me that my nine year old boy was a wimp and needed to toughen up. A few people suggested boy scouts. I looked into it, but did not like it. I instead found a tae-kwon-do club that his father could do with him. I also quit babying him so much and started asking more of him, like carrying in heavy groceries.

 

I think if you are hearing something from numerous sources, you should evaluate the situation and see if you can find a solution that works for you.

 

On the other hand, someone told me out of all my kids I should put my 9 yo in school. I asked why and she said because he was too good and he would never get along in the real world unless he learned to be more rough around the edges. I told her that he would just get beat up, he would never fit in, and he would be subjected to endless teasing, just like his mom was. ;) I decided not to act on THAT opinion!

[Ritsumei]

In choosing homeschool, we're saying unmistakably that we value different things... things that our friends/family/etc DON'T place as high a value on. We're saying THIS, not THAT is important. This is bound to make some people think, some people will be uncomfortable, and some people will be upset by the implied condemnation of their choices, even if that's not what we're thinking.

 

I'm already learning to smile and nod, and I'm sure that I'll have plenty of time to practice asking someone to pass the bean dip. Although my parents are supportive, I've learned that there are some things best left unsaid around my parents, especially my Mom, a PS k teacher, and one of my best friends. And with my friends, sometimes I just keep my mouth shut. I love homeschooling, I love the way we parent (sounds very similar to how you do things), and our family is happy. I try not to loose friends over it, but at the end of the day it's not their call. These are choices about our family that my husband and I made after a lot of thought and prayer.

 

It's awkward, but don't let them make you feel bad. It sounds like your choices are working very nicely for you and for your children. I suspect that if it wasn't homeschooling there'd be something else that people commented on... seems like people can't keep their mouths shut. (I'm as guilty as the next sometimes, though I try to remember that I should MYOB.)

[abbeyej]

I think it depends on who is saying it and what their motivation is.

 

If they love you and have a concern, I think listening to it and reflecting it (So you're worried that our kids are not getting the social exposure they need?) is a good way to handle it. For one thing, sometimes people do have wisdom to speak into our lives, for another, someone with a true concern is much more likely to feel that you're taking the concern seriously if you show that you are truly listening. Often, they are more likely to be comforted if you've shown that this is something that you've weighed out, then if they feel blown off. You may gain their support, or at least their "agree to disagree" response rather than se yourself up for other times to try to convince you.

 

If they are just being nosy or intrusive and lack true concern, then a one line answer and passing the bean dip seem like appropriate responses.

 

I certainly agree. Comments from strangers or mere acquaintances don't hold a lot of meaning for me. Comments from close friends whose parenting I respect, or family members who really have my kids' best interests at heart are given a very different "weight".

 

And honestly, sometimes the perspective of a sane, loving person outside of my immediate circumstances can be very useful. It can be a helpful exercise to say, "Okay, is there truth to what they say? How much? Is there anything I should consider doing differently?"

 

Maybe there is and maybe there isn't. But while I'm comfortable dismissing some people's input out of hand, I also find that sometimes I'll realize something that someone else has been trying to tell me all along. And maybe it would have been useful to reflect from the beginning and consider whether what they had to offer was true (or partly true).

 

So yeah... Bean dip for acquaintances projecting their own insecurities... But thoughtful reflection for people who really know me and my kids and have their best interests at heart. I may still choose to disagree or discount what they say. But not out of hand.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

:eek: I AM shocked! :)

 

This will likely make you guffaw a bit given my reputation as an outspoken progressive/liberal in this particular group but, I love Michael Medved's book on this very issue. Here is the link. It was a life changing book for me in terms of witholding certain info from my child with good cause ,that of allowing her to be a child.

http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Childhood-Protecting-Children-Innocence/dp/0060932244/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_5 I love this book and it gives many reasons to shelter children from certain realities that they need not deal with in the fashion that the ps seem to.

[gfam]

I wouldn't defend my choices and would point out that I wasn't trying to get them to defend their parenting choices. In short, it is none of their business and change the subject.

 

yep. My kids, my choices.

[tricia]

Oh yes definitely. I pretty much respond with, "oh, yes, I shelter my kids. Cool HUH." That usually ends all conversation on the topic.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I tell them, "If sheltering means that they are totally free to be kids without the constraints put on them by pressures they aren't able to handle, then, yes, I proudly shelter my kids."

[Ritsumei]

Oh yes definitely. I pretty much respond with, "oh, yes, I shelter my kids. Cool HUH." That usually ends all conversation on the topic.

 

:lol: I love it! I used this same thing when announcing my 6th, 7th, and 8th siblings to my friends: "My Mom's having a baby! Isn't that great?" There are very few people willing to be so rude as to say, "Uh, no."

 

HI Tricia! I didn't know you were on here.:D

[LaxMom]

...

Adding, that these are family members or close friends of both sides of the family. Why can't people just enjoy each other's company without sharing their unsolicited opinions on personal matters? I would never say to them{you}, "I think your kids are overscheduled." or "Isn't it a shame your children can't play well together?" or "I'm sorry your 9 y/o son is embarassed to be seen with "mom"."

I would say exactly that. But then, I have long since bored of family members who think it's appropriate to comment on the choices my husband and I have made for our family.

[momtoboys]

LOL. . .I guess I wasn't sheltered then as a kid after all. . I had no friends (other than my siblings). . but we spent hours shipped outside by ourselves in the middle of the country, w/ absolutely no supervision. . .;)

 

We caught bees and wasps, made rafts and floated them on the pond (when we couldn't even swim yet), climbed and jumped on the roof, jumped from tree to tree. . .

[eternalknot]

 

Anyway, I'm getting comments lately saying my 9.5 year old wouldn't still believe in Santa if he were around more kids his age. My kids need to know how to handle bullies and not have their feelings hurt? My kids need other children to play with. My kids are naive, etc. How do you respond?

 

It's probably true, and you could probably acknowledge that. You could also continue on to say that in the grand scheme of things, your priority is less about how long a child believes in Santa and more about {x} -- being together as a family; indulging naivety versus the encouraging the alternative; learning social lessons within the safer confines of the family; fill-in-the-blank. Freely admit that your children aren't a perfect model of society's ideal, but suggest that this isn't really your goal so it's all good :) This is how I respond. It can be said curtly or gently, however appropriate, and usually stops the conversation either way.

 

FWIW, people said the same things about my family of origin. We're large, and I never had to go outside of my siblings for companionship. I still don't! I'll admit that I'm not a good "friend" to people I'm not related to because I'm not as vested in the relationship as I am to my family/friends. That's been somewhat of a hindrance to me, but nothing that I'd re-do my childhood over. Nor anything that I haven't been able to figure out and fix on my own as an adult.

 

Why can't people just enjoy each other's company without sharing their unsolicited opinions on personal matters?

 

Oh, I'm so guilty of this. I figure that's what families do -- but my family is good about taking it after they've dished it. Everything is always out on the table. Opinions are shared, solicited or not. But it's all at face value, never deeper. I'd totally say "I think your kids are overscheduled" to a sibling, and she'd tell me: "Maybe" or "So what" or "I don't think so." and that would probably be the end of that conversation. No bad feelings either way, just an exchange of observations. We know we come from a place of unconditional love for one another, so the little unintentionally-hurtful digs between us don't leave big dents in our armor.

[Sputterduck]

LOL. . .I guess I wasn't sheltered then as a kid after all. . I had no friends (other than my siblings). . but we spent hours shipped outside by ourselves in the middle of the country, w/ absolutely no supervision. . .;)

 

We caught bees and wasps, made rafts and floated them on the pond (when we couldn't even swim yet), climbed and jumped on the roof, jumped from tree to tree. . .

 

 

I want your childhood! Where did you grow up?

[ChristusG]

My children are sheltered and that's exactly how I want it to be. I'd say something like "Really? I'm so glad you noticed because I have been wondering if it was evident enough. I mean, I've been trying to keep my kids away from all the crazy stuff this world has to offer them." Smile and nod. :D

 

Okay....so I wouldn't *really* say that. I'm soooo not good with comebacks. I'd probably give them a blank stare and be like "Huh?" And then I would think in my mind the above comment but not voice it.

[kpupg]

Well, my first reaction was to think "you really should ..."

say to them, "I think your kids are overscheduled." or "Isn't it a shame your children can't play well together?" or "I'm sorry your 9 y/o son is embarassed to be seen with mom

After all, you would simply be telling the truth ... :tongue_smilie:

 

 

But after a moment, my inner adult spoke up and said what Jean in Newcastle said. So, yeah, ditto Jean.

 

We've been there and it's no fun. Oh, the number of times I wished I was capable of witty on-the-spot ripostes. But I'm not, so I mostly just had to ignore that stuff. It was never an issue of soul-searching for me, as I am one seriously confident-to-the-point-of-arrogance old broad. But it was enormously irritating and wearing. :grouphug: to you on that.

 

Coda: Today my "overly shy" and sheltered 14ds is an assistant instructor at the fencing club ... overseeing the under-12yo class. And my dd12 is the one who organized the neighborhood girls into a Warrior Cats Club, complete with group activities, newsletter, and fundraising backyard carnival. Leadership, anyone? Interpersonal skills, anyone? I think they're turning out just fine, thanks :)

 

Karen

[Guest janainaz]

My kids are learning how to deal with the outside world THROUGH their relationships with me and with their dad. They watch our interaction with each other, they watch us and hear us handle conflict, they observe imperfection every single day. My kids are well aware that I am not a perfect mother or wife and they also know that their dad is not a perfect husband and father. We have family friends, relatives, they have their own friends, and so on. Every single one of those relationships teaches them how to live and survive in the world. When my kids are grown and on their own, we will have taught them what to do and what not to do. My interpretation of a sheltered kid is a kid that is not in touch with the reality that people are flawed and that life is/can be tough. As long as my kids are not blind-sided by that reality, I'm doing a good job of preparing them.

 

I don't explain my life away to just anyone. I will enter into a discussion with someone if I feel that they are truly invested in knowing me and if they are open to being known. Otherwise, like someone else said, just pass the dip.

[kalanamak]

My kids need to know how to handle bullies and not have their feelings hurt?

 

Adding, that these are family members or close friends of both sides of the family. Why can't people just enjoy each other's company without sharing their unsolicited opinions on personal matters? I would never say to them, "I think your kids are overscheduled." or "Isn't it a shame your children can't play well together?" or "I'm sorry your 9 y/o son is embarassed to be seen with "mom"."

 

I had a eureka moment last night about this post.

 

I would say "I don't believe my child needs continuous lessons from day one to come out a ready adult at 18. Grown up life requires both the ability to trust others and be on guard about others, and I believe that children do better if they learn how to trust first. You can learn the down side of human interactions later, but I DO NOT believe you can learn to trust later.

"Further, and I hope you take this with the sincere affection I have for you, I would never make comments like "I think your kids are overscheduled" even if I thought them, and while I understand we live in a society that frowns on people who are a bit different, I hope we know each other well enough that you would have confidence in my family's choices."

 

I think that, delivered sweetly, might get spread around through the talk channels and shut everyone up.

[momtoboys]

I want your childhood! Where did you grow up?

 

No, trust me, you don't! ;)

[Heidi]

I bow out of the conversation as gracefully as I can.

 

Then I go home and indulge in fantasy come-backs.

 

:iagree: Oh, that's so me! :lol:

[Garga]

I agree with those who say that your response depends upon who is speaking to you.

 

If it's close family, I will carefully weigh what they say. In fact, there have been a few times that I've listened to my mil (she's a close friend to me.) At first, I somewhat dismissed what she said. I was polite, but just sort of said, "Uh huh," and didn't really comment.

 

But later, I thought hard about what she'd said and changed a few things.

 

Like (this is just one example, I have 2 or 3): my children share all their toys. She commented that when she was a kid, she hated having to share everything. She just wanted something she could call her own. I knew she was trying to gently tell me that my oldest might be feeling the same way she had felt. And after careful thought, she was right. So now the oldest and youngest have just one or two toys they can call their own, and they share the rest. (And they do share the toys that is "theirs," but at the end of the day, there are a couple of toys that they can say, "This is mine.") It's added a bit of contentment to each of them.

 

Sometimes, an older relative really has the wisdom of years and experience that we don't have. Of course, on the other hand, sometimes they don't know all the facts. Just listen and then think over what they have to say. If they don't have the facts and are barking up the wrong tree, then just politely change the subject.

[Joanne]

You offered a lot of specifics in your OP about your family-style and life.

 

You don't have to defend that to anyone or us as you post for how to set boundary advice.

 

FWIW, I am not a believer in immersing or abadnoning children as a way of maturing/sophisticating them into current kid culture. I think it's an unhealthy paradigm; I sometimes even see evidence of it in homeschool settings (ie: let them work it out themselves).

 

I would tell those offering unsolicited advice: Thank you, but that is not somewhere I'd like to go in conversation.

 

All that said, you *did* solicit advice here and with a great deal of specifics. While I would not call your family "sheltered" and certainly not unsocialized, I might suggest you consider a few things.

 

And in their eyes this is a negative thing?

 

Background: I have three boys who are close in age (9.5, 8, and almost 6), but also very good friends. They always have someone to play with. As a family we have a blast together. Dh and I actively play with them, we do our field trips as a family, we do many projects together, and just thoroughly enjoy them. Dh is a very involved father and a team player when it comes to raising them. The kids are very helpful, sincere, and good children. They get compliments everywhere we go.

 

This is common of many families of many styles.

 

They've never had a baby sitter other then my mom a handful of times, we just take them with us. Dh and I have "date nights" when they go to bed, we just don't enjoy or see a need for us to go out to have a date night.

 

Here, while respecting your choice, I think that putting it forth as a positive can easily backfire. For a variety of reasons, getting sitters (family, friends, well screened others) or time separately can be a healthy, good thing.

 

Some families would wither using your model.

 

 

do have them take standarized testing yearly and they score at or above in all areas. School goes smoothly, we are just really enjoying our life. The boys take 6 weeks of summer swimming lessons and have since they were old enough to do so. My older two were in Karate, until we moved 2 years ago, we checked into karate here and it's a a money maker and a different style, my middler wasn't really into it and my oldest asked not to continue. We've tried homeschool groups previously and they just weren't a good fit for us. The first time at a gym homeschool group we ended up at the hospital for stitches, it was so unorganized. We tried another that was an art group and the following week one of the kids would always be sick. It just wasn't worth the hassle for something we already do plenty of at home. My kids are around other people often, we don't hide at home, they just don't run around the neighborhood unsupervised like so many others their age. They actually know how to and prefer to communicate with adults. We have a lot of friends who are keep up with the Jones' type and have their kids in multiple activities, always running here or there and are rarely home. It's just not a life we want.

 

 

Plenty of kids from a variety of circumstances "know how to communicate with adults". I'm not sure that *prefering* adults = good.

 

Anyway, I'm getting comments lately saying my 9.5 year old wouldn't still believe in Santa if he were around more kids his age. My kids need to know how to handle bullies and not have their feelings hurt? My kids need other children to play with. My kids are naive, etc. How do you respond?

 

"Thanks for sharing". ;) That's how I respond.

 

My kids were rarely away from me in the early years yet we've had plenty of "bully" experience. My kids were very much "sheltered" from much of pop culture (not so anymore), and my youngest believed in Santa a long time.

 

I would never say to them, "I think your kids are overscheduled." or "Isn't it a shame your children can't play well together?" or "I'm sorry your 9 y/o son is embarassed to be seen with "mom"."

 

I don't know quite how to say this......It's common of siblings to have squabbles. Some families enjoy being very busy. Although I've never met a 9 year old embarassed to be with mom, I have seen some teens. Enough to know it's not an uncommon expectation.

 

When I was a parent of very young kids, littles, babies, I really thought that my parenting style = causation of many good things. And that other parenting styles = causation of other- usually bad - things. Today, I am (or at least try to be) very careful about attributing my decisions as the reason "x" happens (or doesn't happen). More importantly, I am careful to not do the same for other parents.

 

Is it possible that your people are picking up on the thinking behind your assumptions? Is it possible that your family is great and so is theirs?

[inactive]

I just ignore most people. Our lives look different than theirs and we obviously disagree about whose looks better. I am at a point in my life where I don't tolerate many things or people that are stressful or drama-creating, so those people tend to fall to the wayside in my world.

 

:iagree: My 16 year old and I were just talking about this yesterday!! She HATES the drama she sees in other teens' lives.

[Remudamom]

Tell them to mind their own **** business.

 

Or tell them to ruin their own kids and leave yours out of it.

 

Really, once a woman asked me why I was "afraid" to let my girls date. I really had to bite my lip- her dd married a no good, wife beating, drug using, manipulative sob that she is afraid to leave. I almost said "So they won't end up like yours did".

[Guest Cindie2dds]

 

Anyway, I'm getting comments lately saying my 9.5 year old wouldn't still believe in Santa if he were around more kids his age. How wonderful your kids still have imaginations! My girls still have wonder every morning hoping to see the Dew Fairy's (Silvermist) before the Sun burns it off. My kids need to know how to handle bullies and not have their feelings hurt? Why? They are too young. When they get older, they will understand people are different in their values and beliefs. Right now it's your turn. My kids need other children to play with. My kids are naive, etc. How do you respond? Thank goodness. Kids grow up way too fast nowadays!

 

Adding, that these are family members or close friends of both sides of the family. Why can't people just enjoy each other's company without sharing their unsolicited opinions on personal matters? I would never say to them, "I think your kids are overscheduled." or "Isn't it a shame your children can't play well together?" or "I'm sorry your 9 y/o son is embarassed to be seen with "mom"."

 

My answers are bolded in purple. :) Disclaimer, I am like-minded. I am a nutty mom who loves to be around her family 24/7. My husband is a freelancer who works from home. We are about to leave our homeschool group for the same reasons as you mentioned. My girls are best friends and have a ball together. I caught them on the couch cuddling last night telling each other "I love you!" Kids' sense of wonder and imagination are all but lost too very early now. Leave your TV off and have fun with them. Enjoy!

[Guest Cindie2dds]

I bow out of the conversation as gracefully as I can.

 

Then I go home and indulge in fantasy come-backs.

 

 

:smilielol5:This is me!

[rafiki]

.

[momof2boys]

I would not worry about those people. My boys are now 18 and 16. They have always been great pals and played together when they were little and now they still play together with the xbox 360 and they talk all the time. Do they have a lot of outside friends..no..but they are able to communicate very intelligent with people of all ages. We have a very open relationship with our boys. We talk about most anyting. If the boys are curious about something they know that they can talk to us about it. Which in my opinion is better than talking to other teenagers. They know that they believe and can defend their faith to anyone young or old. So I guess with all of my ramblings I am saying do not worry about what others think and if they ask just do what do and smile and say just say hmmm.:001_smile:

 

Gloria

[Tammyla]

:iagree: (MYOB Momma always said...Mind your own business;) I channel my mom and secretly laugh while thinking this. Smile, bless their heart and move on.

 

Now if my dh or mom or a few respected others mentioned this, I'd take it to heart. People who don't matter or I know have different expectations, life styles and a willingness to go with flo...Ehh...what ever.

 

Tell them to mind their own **** business.

 

Or tell them to ruin their own kids and leave yours out of it.

 

Really, once a woman asked me why I was "afraid" to let my girls date. I really had to bite my lip- her dd married a no good, wife beating, drug using, manipulative sob that she is afraid to leave. I almost said "So they won't end up like yours did".

[sadiegirl]

I, too, could have written your post except my boys are ages 14 and 12 1/2...they enjoy their lives and still enjoy being kids and I find that there are a lot of kids out there(much younger) that just want to "grow up" and do adult things, move on from being kids-which confuses my boys as they love being kids!

It's nice to read posts that could have been written by myself as sometimes you doubt your choices in life and the path you are on--being a parent is so hard!

[sassenach]

Funny story-

 

When I was 9 or 10 I had a couple of neighborhood girls over to play. They were both about a year older than me. They said something about Santa not being real and I was so mad that I kicked them out of my house. My mom decided that it was probably time to tell me the truth. When she told me, I bawled. I was SO sad that Santa wasn't real, it felt like a death.

 

I was public schooled.

 

 

Do not worry, do not defend, do not engage. Pass the bean dip and move on. Family is forever and if your boys are such good friends, they have gained a lifetime of love. It's all good.

[Seeker]

Well, I don't have this problem about sheltering concern with my family, thankfully. My only child's God-parents were concerned (they had not seen her since she was a baby until last year at 7yo) but they did not say anything to me until they complimented me on how well she interacted with everyone of every age, although one mentioned that my daughter seemed lonely and needed to be around more people. I found that rather funny really. I mean, we were staying with them out in the country surrounded by corn fields with no other children around so I, personally, considered that to be normal under the circumstances.

 

As with them when others have some reservations, I just point my daughter in their direction and she usually has them thinking differently within the first five minutes but some are more stubborn and take half a day before they say--although I am not asking--how great she is.

 

In regards to the Santa Claus--taking a deep breath here--I have a problem with the entire thing. First people think everyone should tell all children to believe in something that is not real but fun and magical, or else they are robbed of a childhood in some way, so we create this whole Santa Claus thing and then these same people get upset when the children continue to believe it beyond some age they have preset in their own minds because....what? That make-believe part of the childhood should be over? I think I would tell them to watch "The Santa Claus" movie and maybe it is not too late for them to finally get that weenie whistle or Mystery Date game for which they were hoping.

Edited November 17, 2009 by Seeker

[Kate CA]

I think it depends on who is saying it and what their motivation is.

 

If they love you and have a concern, I think listening to it and reflecting it (So you're worried that our kids are not getting the social exposure they need?) is a good way to handle it. For one thing, sometimes people do have wisdom to speak into our lives, for another, someone with a true concern is much more likely to feel that you're taking the concern seriously if you show that you are truly listening. Often, they are more likely to be comforted if you've shown that this is something that you've weighed out, then if they feel blown off. You may gain their support, or at least their "agree to disagree" response rather than se yourself up for other times to try to convince you.

 

I 100% agree with this. I used to feel I had all the answers and really shrugged off people's comments that were only meant in kindness. I think sometimes the comments are valid and sometimes they aren't. You have to decide which is which, but there is no harm in listening. I don't see family as the enemy. I see them as people who love our children and want the best for them. We may not always agree and we are ultimately going to make the final call, but at least in our situation, our family cares so I value their thoughts.

 

If they are just being nosy or intrusive and lack true concern, then a one line answer and passing the bean dip seem like appropriate responses.

 

Agreed.

Edited November 17, 2009 by Kate CA

[Mom-ninja.]

Have you read "Hold On to Your Kids"? You are doing what he suggests. He flat out says in the book that our society is simply wrong in our beliefs about raising children, and why we are wrong. Love love love the book.

 

So just ignore these comments, and be overjoyed that you are providing an environment your children will flourish in.