Does anyone else worry about girls trying to grow up too quickly or . . .

[KidsHappen]

having them overly concerned with the relentless pursuit of trying to look perfect? And where do you draw the line? Do they get cosmetic surgery? A designer wardrobe? Nail jobs? Hair coloring? Full body waxes? I am asking these questions honestly.

 

As a mother of five dds. I worry about this a lot. They can't all look perfect and I certainly don't want them to all aspire to our culture's standard of what perfect is. My dd all look different and I try to encourage them to be comfortable with who they are and what they look like. They are perfect just the way they are. Not they will look perfect if they lose five pounds, have perfect hair and are waxed just so.

 

I made all my girls wait until they were 11 to start shaving their legs and underarms, wearing make-up and such grown up things. Of course this is an arbitrary age but I chose it because so far the girls started the periods at eleven and that is also the first year of middle school, so it seemed like a reasonable time to start making the transition from little girl to teen.

 

This was going to be an answer to someone in another thread but it got kind of long and I think it is a bigger issue that I would really like to discuss with other mothers.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[Impish]

I worry. Diva is a chunky kid, and has already suffered as a result. As much as her father and I tell her that she's great as she is, the kids on the playground are merciless in contradicting us. It sucks.

 

I'm against plastic surgery without a medical cause for me and mine. I *should* have a breast reduction, for medical reasons, but am too worried about what that will do to my RSD to risk it at this point. I don't personally believe in cosmetic surgery to attempt to achieve some arbitrary standard the media has dreamt up.

[schsmom]

My plan is to lock her in her room til she turns 30, then maybe I'll let her out;)

 

Seriously..it is a hard call. My daughter is almost 11 and I just am not ready for her to grow up yet. Although she is more and more curious about girl adult issues. That is why I'm glad we homeschool now. It was maddening to see girls in 4th grade wearing makeup for me. I'm shooting for 13???? I'm sure I'm screwing up and she'll need therapy when she's older..hehe oh well.

[patchfire]

I worry about it some. I am not as concerned at this stage (9 in 2 weeks) as I thought I would be a few years ago. This is solely because dd has shown consistently in the past two to three years that she is very unconcerned with changing her opinions or anything about herself, mental or physical, in service of fitting in or meeting someone else's standard.

 

That said, I know we're by no means out of the woods, so we do talk about advertisements and what they want you to think/buy/et cetera.

 

I probably worry more about dd2, because when she is 9, she'll have a sister who is 17, and a brother who is 13.

[i.love.lucy]

I worry about this too. My dd has put on a few pounds and is getting squishy in the middle and she is VERY tall for her age. She's turning out like me and in a lot of ways that terrifies me! She will have the same weight issues I have struggled with my whole life.

 

And she's very girlie. She loves make up and doing her hair and changing her earrings and trying on different belts and shoes. Glitter and sequins are her thing! I have some friends that don't like this, that think it can lead to dwelling on your self and your exterior beauty too much, and that it can cause them to want to be grown up too fast. Well, I disagree. I am not allowing her to wear makeup in public - she's playing with it. She's playing at being older, kind of trying it on for a while, then goes back to playing with dolls. But sometimes I flash forward to her being 15 or 16 and I so hope she is grounded in who she is, who God made her to be, and that she is lovely and perfect just the way she is. Make-up or no make-up.

 

My arbitrary age for those things like shaving and make-up is 13. But I might revise that as we go along. At least I can put it off for now!

[mamamace]

Good read on the subject

 

The Lolita Effect: The Media Sexualization of Young Girls and What We Can Do About It by M. Gigi Durham

[Lovedtodeath]

Shaving--11. Make up-- 13 or 14. Bra-- not before you need it. :)

 

My niece started in with makeup and heels and everything.. at 9 years old. Strapless dress at 11. Not my daughter!

[Lovedtodeath]

Good read on the subject

 

The Lolita Effect: The Media Sexualization of Young Girls and What We Can Do About It by M. Gigi Durham

thanks!

[Karen sn]

I'm sure I'm screwing up and she'll need therapy when she's older..hehe oh well.

 

I doubt it.

She'll be fine.

 

No one who grows up EVER looks back on their life and thinks, "I wish I had grown up sooner."

[Impish]

Shaving--11. Make up-- 13 or 14. Bra-- not before you need it. :)

 

My niece started in with makeup and heels and everything.. at 9 years old. Strapless dress at 11. Not my daughter!

Diva was bought her first bras this past month, and *needed* them. She's 10.5 :crying:

[Joker]

I definately worry! One of the reasons I pulled my pulled my girls out of ps was because my dd in 2nd grade had girls who were wearing makeup on a daily basis. I don't mean just lip gloss - mascara, blush, etc. I don't understand why people want their little girls to grow up so soon. My dd, 8 at the time, was invited to numerous "make-over parties" - my girls have played with makeup at home, but DO NOT wear it outside. My husband was embarrassed to walk them into their classroom because of how some of the girls were dressed. I recently read "The Hurried Child - Growing up Too Fast Too Soon", by David Elkind and I feel better about the decisions I have made regarding trying to keep them my little girls for a while longer.

Edited July 24, 2009 by Horton

[Lovedtodeath]

 

No one who grows up EVER looks back on their life and thinks, "I wish I had grown up sooner."

I do. I wish I had started changing sooner. I still had a flat chest and baby fat at 14. I started my periods when I was well over 15. It was embarrassing being a baby for so long and affected me a lot. I also kept a little girl voice for a long time and that made some people hate me. I was a preemie, and probably a good year behind in developement if not more... but academically advanced. Another reason to homeschool.

[KidsHappen]

I am currently reading The Triple Bind by Stephen Hinshaw and I think it is making my fears worse. Hopefully in the end he gets to what we can do about this.

[newbie]

I thank God almighty mine dont want to grow up. They see the ridiculous amt. of makeup the girls wear on tv and have no desire.

 

I didnt wear makeup til 15. If they dont want to wear it, I am not pushin. They dont want to shave either. Their brows are fine, a lil bushy, but nothing to worry about.

 

When they go out they fix their hair and have nice clothes. But, thats it. Phew.

 

There is plenty of time to be grown up. Plus who can afford all that stuff right now. Shoot I am workin on the bare minimum.

[swellmomma]

I worry a little bit but not much at this point. DD is turning 10 on Sunday, she is still very much a little girl and I plan on keeping her that way for as long as I can. My issue isn't with her trying to look perfect etc it is with others trying to make her grow up too fast. Grandparent's and aunts etc telling her she is too old for her webkinz and wnating instead to get her interested in teen mags and boys. I have told dd I will continue to buy her webkinz for as long as she wants because she is still a little girl. Shopping for clothes is an issue too, FInding clothes that are not little trashy things is so hard. I don't want my 9-10 yr old dd in hip hugger pants and belly tops, or mini skirts etc. We still have family buying her these things for b-days/christmas, thankfully my little princess told everyone this year not to buy her clothes, she asked for money instead to buy her own (she is even more modest than I require in her clothes and will not wear anything gifted to her any more).

 

At the same time I have allowed makeup on special occasions, not a lot but a little blush and gloss, I don't wear make up daily either so she doesn't see that as a requirement kwim. I use the opportunity to talk about how make up is tastefully done and not needed to make someone beautiful, that beauty comes from within.

 

We have however had issues with diet already. She is a tiny little thing, 4'2" and 48 lbs at nearly 10, yet I have over heard her making comments about her weight and having to stay thin. This is an area that concerns me and I know she gets it from over hearing comments I make about myself because I am overweight. I used to be tiny like her then had kids and I am sure she has overheard me talking about my unhappiness with being fat. I am working at eliminating that kind of thought/talk from myself in an effort to not be promoting that attitude to my girls.

[tricia]

Oh this is a topic for sure in our home. We have nine daughters and certainly these things concern us. The guidelines we have set are as follows.

 

make up--16 But we teach them that only if they TRULY feel like they need it.

Pierced ears--18 2 have and 2 haven't of our 4 over 18

dating--18, so far so good

sleep overs--never

hanging out at the mall--never

music is strictly monitored as are movies (we have no tv, only dvd)

no email until 18

internet password not until 18

no sun bathing

no cutting hair until over 18--(except when I get tired of big tangles on little girls and I cut it, then it's okay:lol:, but I'm even careful there:glare:)

 

That's about all I can think of right now. I'm sure there are more as daddy is very protective over his little princesses.

[Lovedtodeath]

I told DD no pierced ears and was overriden.:glare:

[emeraldjoy]

This is truly something I ponder often. My oldest is 10 1/2. The thread on eyebrows was the first time I ever even remotely considered doing something with hers...Isuppose they would be considered bushy but I really could not imagine looking at her without them>.....

 

Something that I ponder a lot is what will happen with her in the midst of my lifestyle and grooming choices as a woman. I don't shave anything or pluck anything, hardly ever wear makeup, could not get across the house in a pair of high heels (well if I had to I guess), use a diva cup, and have natural hair color (etc, etc)...anyway you know what I mean. I wonder if her choices will match up with mine and even more concerning is what if they don't? Will I let her make alterntaive choices?? Gosh I think about this a lot. She is still at an age where she adores me (not sure why sometime) and wants to do what I do, but I wonder when or if that will change. I think of my husband who is a hotty, really and truly, and he doesn't like me to wear makeup and plays with my armpit hair for fun.....I wonder if she will marry a man like her father?? I wonder if she will every think I just need to get with times, you know?

 

and I wonder so, so much about her being a child as long as absolutely possible. She still has that desire now just to play and be young and carefree and really I can find no such beauty to match that of a carefree, vibrant healthy child.

 

e

[KidsHappen]

This is truly something I ponder often. My oldest is 10 1/2. The thread on eyebrows was the first time I ever even remotely considered doing something with hers...Isuppose they would be considered bushy but I really could not imagine looking at her without them>.....

 

Something that I ponder a lot is what will happen with her in the midst of my lifestyle and grooming choices as a woman. I don't shave anything or pluck anything, hardly ever wear makeup, could not get across the house in a pair of high heels (well if I had to I guess), use a diva cup, and have natural hair color (etc, etc)...anyway you know what I mean. I wonder if her choices will match up with mine and even more concerning is what if they don't? Will I let her make alterntaive choices?? Gosh I think about this a lot. She is still at an age where she adores me (not sure why sometime) and wants to do what I do, but I wonder when or if that will change. I think of my husband who is a hotty, really and truly, and he doesn't like me to wear makeup and plays with my armpit hair for fun.....I wonder if she will marry a man like her father?? I wonder if she will every think I just need to get with times, you know?

 

and I wonder so, so much about her being a child as long as absolutely possible. She still has that desire now just to play and be young and carefree and really I can find no such beauty to match that of a carefree, vibrant healthy child.

 

e

 

 

You sound like me. My oldest dd is like me, the 17 yr. old the exact opposite, the 16 year old is her own unique, funcky, eclectic style, the 12 yr. old is the stereotypical tall, thin, blond hair, blued eyed "perfect" teen. She is currently the one I worry about the most. They are all very confident and seemed totally unconcern about being like other or what other think. The 10 yr. old however is shorter, heavier, hairier and more insecure than the 12 yr old and suffers because she wants to be like her next oldest sister. She is also very sensitive and is hurt when he friend compare her unfavorably to her older sister. It is just so hard to balance them all.

[emeraldjoy]

You sound like me. My oldest dd is like me, the 17 yr. old the exact opposite, the 16 year old is her own unique, funcky, eclectic style, the 12 yr. old is the stereotypical tall, thin, blond hair, blued eyed "perfect" teen. She is currently the one I worry about the most. They are all very confident and seemed totally unconcern about being like other or what other think. The 10 yr. old however is shorter, heavier, hairier and more insecure than the 12 yr old and suffers because she wants to be like her next oldest sister. She is also very sensitive and is hurt when he friend compare her unfavorably to her older sister. It is just so hard to balance them all.

 

Thanks for this.

It is really nice to hear from people who have been there done that...so, so nice.

emerald

[Carrie12345]

I worry about some aspects of it.

 

I see most of the hair/makeup/nails/clothes as personal expression, not necessarily an attempt to be older. I would be more concerned if my dds wanted to wear eyeliner because "everyone does" than if they wanted blue hair just b/c they wanted it. ;)

 

I'm pretty sure my 7yo is going to need a bra by 10. There isn't really anything I can do about that. This young puberty thing bothers me much more than any tank top or low-rise jeans could.

 

That same 7yo has her fathers Native American/Syrian genes. My 6yo got my Swedish/Irish genes. They will not have the same shaving/plucking/waxing rules (but no full body waxes, lol)! In fact, it won't be long before I rope my sil into discussing hair management with my 7yo. I don't feel that situation is any different from the bra situation.

 

I wasn't allowed to get my ears pierced until I was 13. My girls have permission to have theirs done, but they've chosen not to at this time.

 

My main concerns aren't the exterior, but the interior. I plan to have them climbing trees and playing with dolls and Littlest Pet Shop pets for as long as possible :). I hope to keep them sheltered from the "everybody else" trends, and to continue having them march to their own drummers for a long time.

[PineFarmMom]

Yes, I do worry some. I will say, though, that at 14 I think homeschooling has helped in this dept. somewhat. She's not thin but not chunky either. So far, I don't see her worrying much about that. I'm encouraging health more than a body-type, and it seems to be working for her. I remember myself at 14, and I had already decided I wasn't built right and was dieting, skipping meals, well on the road to a future eating disorder.

 

I try to keep it balanced. She's a girl and likes clothing and make-up. We let her start wearing make-up at the end of her 7th grade year, a little before 13. No eye shadow or eye liner. She wears mineral foundation, a little blush & mascara. She is able to observe and dislike what she is seeing in her friends who are uber-obsessed with their appearance. I hope that sticks. ;)

[Ottakee]

Bra-- not before you need it. :)

 

QUOTE]

 

 

This is one I would bend on---esp. if they are a late bloomer. I still remember 2 girls in 6th or 7th grades that didn't "need" a bra so they weren't allowed to have one. They HATED it as all of the other girls were wearing them. At that point, I would just by the flat little "sports bra" type things in the girls department and let them wear them.

 

Now an 8 year old that doesn't "need" one, that is different.

[ChristusG]

I worry about this frequently. I have two DD's. They are only 5 and 2 now, but already at 5 years old I can see other little girls trying to grow up too quickly. We were at a kids play area and there were two little girls, around my daughter's age if not younger, who were furiously arguing about a boy and who he liked best and who had kissed him more times. :glare:

 

I will aim to teach my daughters that Hollywood is not to be emulated. Being a Size 0 is not how the majority of the world looks. And not everyone's body is created to even have the ability to be a Size 0. Make up, ear piercing, etc will come later. I'm not sure what age yet, but it will not be before the teenage years. Probably the mid teenage years at that. I'm prepared to give a little if a child of mine has really bad acne or something, but other than that it is not needed. I wear minimal make-up. Foundation to balance out my skin and cover bumps, and then occasional lip gloss....nothing else.

 

I stroll through the children's section at the store, looking to buy my little girls some clothes and I already see halter tops, really short shorts, etc. Not my daughters. I want them to look like the LITTLE girls that they are.

 

I want them to play with toys for as long as possible. What happened to the days of playing dolls when you are 13 and 14 years old? Now little girls figure they are too old at that age.

 

It really saddens me how quickly girls grow up these days. My youngest sister is 15 years old. She's been in a (too) serious relationship with a boy for several years now....she is allowed to wear revealing clothes....and she watches and listens to whatever she pleases (lots of songs with sexual innuendo), and wears lots of make up. People have been thinking she was 18 years old since she was 14. I do NOT want that for my daughter. I want the polar opposite and seeing her has been a great lesson for me to strive even harder to keep my girls young and pure. My mom was not like that with my other sister and I. For my youngest sister she has completely changed and lost her moral. It's sad.

[Lizzie in Ma]

She still has that desire now just to play and be young and carefree and really I can find no such beauty to match that of a carefree, vibrant healthy child. e

 

Beautifully said.

Our oldest daughter is growing up too quickly physically. Nothing we can do about it.

She is 13 and is only allowed shiny chapstick. She had waist length hair and keeps it nicely. We let her get her ears pierced young as a "big girl" thing when I had her sister. But she is only allowed small earrings.

She cares to dress neatly and in a style all her own and I love that.

She has been struggling with self image the last year because she has developed really large bre**sts over the last year. She is tall as well so she looks like a young adult and she very much is not. It makes me sad when she comes down crying because her favorite things no longer fit because of them.

Right now she feels like she doesn't "fit in" anywhere and it is because of the way she looks. All her friends have little, slim, barely breasted bodies and she looks like a model for the classical artists.

She says "Mom, I'm just a kid but I don't look like one."

I don't suppose it has ever been easy being 13 but I wish it were not so hard. sigh

[Peela]

My dd is gorgeous but her best friend is very thin, so comparitively she feels big, even though she is not overweight.

We have ongoing conversations about the issues. Dd has her own eclectic style, a little bohemian. I am always amazed at the things she picks up in shops to try on- I would never think they would look good but they invarioubly do. She has developed a great sense of fashion for herself. She shaves, loves her bras (I hate bras and often tell her I wish they had never been invented :)). She wears makeup- minimal. She takes good care of her botticelli curls. I think she is navigating the difficult territory very well. She really didnt start being especially interested till a couple of years ago so it didn't start too young. She is at home with both the world of girls and fashion and being pretty and doing her nails, and the world of boys and sailing and camping and roughing it.

 

I honestly think one of the most protective and important factors for a young woman's self esteem and path through the difficult teenage years is getting a lot of love, physical/emotional/verbal affection from her father. Father hunger is one of the main factors to drive a young woman to premature sexuality and a strong need for attention from others (I know, my dad just didn't give it). I have been very heartened that dh has really stepped up his role with dd15 and makes sure he spends time with her doing father/daughter activities, giving her hugs (I truly think that its important to receive physical affection from a dad) and keeping the lines of communication open. He tells her she is beautiful often. She had a boyfriend briefly but has since shown no desperation for one (and we are not against it). She prefers to be friends with lots of boys than to have to narrow her focus to one at this stage.

 

Another thing- limiting exposure to TV advertising has been something i had endeavoured to do. We watch movies and taped series, but little advertising. When we do watch some- wow, I am amazed at the crap on TV!

 

I am so glad we have homeschooled. Dd is quite peer oriented and who knows what would have happened if she had stayed at school. At age 9 she told me her thighs were fat- she was sitting on a wall with some girlfriends and her thighs seemed bigger than someone else's and they said so. Its just horrible how even best friends treat each other in the school yard- and certainly homeschoolers are not exempt from it but it seems a lot less in our circles. Most of dd's circle of girlfriends would never dream of being anything other than positive about each other's looks.

[hillfarm]

My dd will be 11 in October. So far she seems to give almost NO attention to her appearance unless I fuss at her. She still wears stripes and plaids together, mismatched socks. She has to be constantly reminded to brush her hair before going out in public. She often has dirt, food, or marker smudges on her face or hands. She has worn a bra for the last year or so, although rather reluctantly at first.

 

She loves to climb trees, play with our farm animals, dig in the dirt, and talk on the phone to her friends (half of whom are more appearance conscious than her and half who are about the same). She likes to discuss what I think of as more pre-teen topics, but has very strong, highly practical opinions about things which are often hilarious.

 

And the funniest thing...she has been featured in our local media about half a dozen times this last year. She is a little media darling:lol:. In articles about farming, the environment, her 4-H projects, homeschooling, dog training...all kinds of things. We are SO not the pagent type of parents, nor is she what I think of as a diva! Rather than reminding her to put Vaseline on her teeth to smile bigger, I am usually reminding her to wipe the dirt off her face and neck in case they take a close-up. At the ripe, old age of 10 she is very media saavy.

 

When she gets a little older, if she doesn't change her standard of dress, I expect I will have to intervene and come up with at least a minimum standard of hygiene and modesty (and for the sake of her dear, old mother's heart, color matching). She has asked about shaving, pierced ears, etc. but I told her she didn't need to shave yet and she can choose to get her ears done if she wants when she starts her period. (Her response to that was excitement and wanting to hurry and start so we can go with her highly pierced cousin to the tattoo and piercing parlor. Her stated plan is to get her ears done and then to get a fake, magnetic "piercing" on her lip or nose and a fake tattoo and watch Daddy pass out.)

 

However, we live in a rural area, on a farm at the end of a dead-end road, and we homeschool. I kind of doubt she would have developed or retained such a child-like attitude toward her appearance if she had been exposed to more mainstream attitudes.

[lionfamily1999]

My dd is going to be 13 in December. She's been wearing a bra since 10, and she needed it. She shaved her armpits last weekend, she needed that too. :( So far, with the legs, so good, the hair is long and blond and she has shown no interest in shaving those. She's had her periods for a year now.

 

My dd looks like my little sister. She's a lot like me, in that she is not interested in growing up. Iho, it looks too messy. I'm hoping she keeps the messy verdict for some time to come. Unfortuneatly, she feels one way on the inside and looks very different on the outside. She's 5'5 and rounding out (iykwIm). She dresses like me, jeans and t-shirts, and that almost makes it worse, because she looks like an adult. I've seen grown men hit on her :ack2: and I think she sort of knows they're flirting, because she gets very uncomfortable. I told her to tell them she's 12 or to mention middle school (as in, do you have any kids in middle school, maybe I know them).

 

I wish I had stay little pills, or an island, or could send her to a convent for the next few years, or that she had a unibrow or something. Instead, I've got 5'5 blond hair green eyes and a full shelf covering up a sweet little girl. :(

[emeraldjoy]

Beautifully said.

Our oldest daughter is growing up too quickly physically. Nothing we can do about it.

She is 13 and is only allowed shiny chapstick. She had waist length hair and keeps it nicely. We let her get her ears pierced young as a "big girl" thing when I had her sister. But she is only allowed small earrings.

She cares to dress neatly and in a style all her own and I love that.

She has been struggling with self image the last year because she has developed really large bre**sts over the last year. She is tall as well so she looks like a young adult and she very much is not. It makes me sad when she comes down crying because her favorite things no longer fit because of them.

Right now she feels like she doesn't "fit in" anywhere and it is because of the way she looks. All her friends have little, slim, barely breasted bodies and she looks like a model for the classical artists.

She says "Mom, I'm just a kid but I don't look like one."

I don't suppose it has ever been easy being 13 but I wish it were not so hard. sigh [/quote

 

Your daughter is so blessed to have a momma that cares so much.

:grouphug: (this is the first time I have EVER used an picture symbol thing) but it sure seems to fit.

[emeraldjoy]

My dd is going to be 13 in December. She's been wearing a bra since 10, and she needed it. She shaved her armpits last weekend, she needed that too. :( So far, with the legs, so good, the hair is long and blond and she has shown no interest in shaving those. She's had her periods for a year now.

 

My dd looks like my little sister. She's a lot like me, in that she is not interested in growing up. Iho, it looks too messy. I'm hoping she keeps the messy verdict for some time to come. Unfortuneatly, she feels one way on the inside and looks very different on the outside. She's 5'5 and rounding out (iykwIm). She dresses like me, jeans and t-shirts, and that almost makes it worse, because she looks like an adult. I've seen grown men hit on her :ack2: and I think she sort of knows they're flirting, because she gets very uncomfortable. I told her to tell them she's 12 or to mention middle school (as in, do you have any kids in middle school, maybe I know them).

 

I wish I had stay little pills, or an island, or could send her to a convent for the next few years, or that she had a unibrow or something. Instead, I've got 5'5 blond hair green eyes and a full shelf covering up a sweet little girl. :(

 

We are just entering the stage of her getting looked over; she is only 10 though, just very beautiful. :grouphug: to you too!

[Orthodox6]

I blame adult society for what has happened to girls and teens. Go to any "Babies R Us" store and look at the clothing. For years now, such a store even as that has sold what other moms and I call "hooker clothing". It gets only worse as girls grow older; the choices are terrible and limited. There seems to some warped view that "Victorian style" dresses appeal for children up to age 6 or 7. Then the little girls somehow morph straight into desiring bar-fly attire. There IS a middle ground ! (DD and I are not "LH-on-P" people.)

 

Children and teens model (or rebel against) what the ADULTS model, teach, and provide as examples. Clothing, cosmetics, movies, magazines, hair removal, hair styles, liposuction, multiple "partners", whatever.

[johnandtinagilbert]

I have 2 dds (11, 9) I put both in "undershirts" from about 7 on so when they did need a bra, the transition would be normal and not a big deal. Since last year, the elder has been wearing sports bras and just this year, can fit in "regular" ones. On the inside, I'm dying. What a nightmare! She's so young! She's got a lovely heart shaped trunk! Lots of junk in the trunk! She also has the influence of my Hispanic heritage and is hairy, so I let her shave last year, only b/c a lot of people were commenting and I didn't want her to be embarrassed. The other one, not so hairy, so she can wait.

 

We speak always of modesty and with reason. I tell them to be encouraging sisters in Christ to the young boys they know. We try to avoid drawing attention to things that would encourage our brothers in Christ to have inappropriate thoughts; therefore, we avoid short shorts, bikinis, tight clothing, low cut clothes, high heels, make-up, etc. I also wear modest (lipstick, mascara only) or no make up most of the time. I have to practice what I preach, so I avoid tight clothing too. I still dress like a woman, but plainly so. (Unless on a date, then I pull out a few slinkier things!)

 

At home, right now, in fact :), they are allowed to practice with make-up and heels. I have taught them modest application of make-up (nothing worse than heavy make-up on anyone..yuck!) and we've been learning how to fix hair with curling irons, dryer styling, etc. I want them to learn how to be young ladies and feel pretty, but always stressing the importance of inner beauty over outer sculpting.

 

It's harder for dd2 cuz she's super girly and most of what is found in the stores are women's clothing in little sizes. We hate it, but work with it the best we can. We like to buy plain things and sew on our own decorations.

 

It is a scary world! Have you visited your local middle school lately? UGH!:001_huh:

[johnandtinagilbert]

"hooker clothing". .

 

we call it that too! So generally, I :auto: of the clothing department and stick with plain old Wal-mart, Target, or K-mart (with cation there too)

[johnandtinagilbert]

I worry about some aspects of it.

 

I see most of the hair/makeup/nails/clothes as personal expression, not necessarily an attempt to be older. I would be more concerned if my dds wanted to wear eyeliner because "everyone does" than if they wanted blue hair just b/c they wanted it. ;)

I hope to keep them sheltered from the "everybody else" trends, and to continue having them march to their own drummers for a long time.

 

For all but one of my children, this is true. We have long haired boys, shaved head boys, tomboy and Diva. Diva, Dd9 LOVES current fashion and is greatly influenced by her surroundings. For her, above all the others, I am SOOO glad we home school; otherwise, I can see her easily being a mean little snotty girl at school, completely interested in what others think.

[KidsHappen]

Beautifully said.

Our oldest daughter is growing up too quickly physically. Nothing we can do about it.

She is 13 and is only allowed shiny chapstick. She had waist length hair and keeps it nicely. We let her get her ears pierced young as a "big girl" thing when I had her sister. But she is only allowed small earrings.

She cares to dress neatly and in a style all her own and I love that.

She has been struggling with self image the last year because she has developed really large bre**sts over the last year. She is tall as well so she looks like a young adult and she very much is not. It makes me sad when she comes down crying because her favorite things no longer fit because of them.

Right now she feels like she doesn't "fit in" anywhere and it is because of the way she looks. All her friends have little, slim, barely breasted bodies and she looks like a model for the classical artists.

She says "Mom, I'm just a kid but I don't look like one."

I don't suppose it has ever been easy being 13 but I wish it were not so hard. sigh

 

I love the quote in your siggy. This is line that get said frequently around here. We love Oz. And come on, who doesn't like the word hootenanny. :tongue_smilie:

[LibraryLover]

Edit. tmi.

Edited July 24, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Perry]

I worry a lot about girls growing up too fast. I can't stand the marketing directed towards little girls, and loathe the hoochie mama clothing targeted at them.

 

But for me, issues like wearing bras, shaving legs, and plucking/waxing eyebrows aren't necessarily about growing up too fast. Like it or not, when girls go through puberty many tend to get obsessed with their appearance. And girls are going through puberty at a younger age than in the past.

 

I think my girls are beautiful but I am quite sure that when they look in the mirror, they first see their flaws. I wish it weren't true, but honestly, how many of us look in the mirror and think "Wow, I look great!". Maybe some of you do, but I sure don't and I really don't think most women do that. My dd looks in the mirror and sees her eyebrows. I wouldn't say she's obsessed, but she certainly focuses on them as a flaw. If a simple waxing is going to improve her self image I don't know how that would be a bad thing. My hope is that it will allow her to focus LESS on her appearance. Now if we do this and she suddenly starts focusing on some other perceived fault, then I'll have to re-evaluate.

 

We have an appointment at 3:00 today for her first waxing. Her friend had it done and they ripped the skin off, so dd's a little nervous.

[LibraryLover]

Lizzie-- I hear you.

Edited July 25, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Karen sn]

I do. I wish I had started changing sooner. I still had a flat chest and baby fat at 14. I started my periods when I was well over 15. It was embarrassing being a baby for so long and affected me a lot. I also kept a little girl voice for a long time and that made some people hate me. I was a preemie, and probably a good year behind in developement if not more... but academically advanced. Another reason to homeschool.

 

I'm talking mentally.

Physically - I had baby belly fat for a long time too.

And I was flat chested until I had a baby.

 

But I was in Southern Baptist private school and it was quite normal to not wear makeup.

Makeup is the first ritual we do in the human mating dance. KWIM?

 

So I consider the societal rites of passage to be the "growing up."

Wearing lipstick soon morphs into wearing heels and then dressing becomes more for looks than comfort.

And all for what?

To attract the attention of a male.

 

I would just rather have my 12yo dd more concerned with finding herself than finding a mate.

THAT is the kind of growing up that can wait. It's too taxing mentally if they start worrying about that too young.

[Hockey Mom]

I am fortunate in that my DD is a pretty low-maintenance kind of girl (she takes after me I guess). She's always been a t-shirt/jeans kind of girl.

 

That said, I decided when she was very little to pick my battles with her when she became a teen. When she was 11 she wanted to shave. I allowed it. When she was 12 she wanted to dye her blonde hair dark brown. I allowed it. She's since dyed her hair every color of the rainbow. LOL It's been natural for a year now, and I think that's because I didn't make a big deal out of it. She wanted to wear makeup at 12. I allowed it - with one restriction - make sure it looks natural. No dark colors. I also got very involved with showing her the correct way to put it on.

 

My DD wears a 36D bra, and a size 8 jean. She's 5'7. She dresses modestly, has great self-esteem despite her friends being dangerously thin. She has a healthy outlook on body image and societal expectations of how a young woman should look. I like to think that picking my battles with her, making sure I stayed engaged with her without being her 'friend', had a lot to do with it.

[Lovedtodeath]

I blame adult society for what has happened to girls and teens. Go to any "Babies R Us" store and look at the clothing. For years now, such a store even as that has sold what other moms and I call "hooker clothing". It gets only worse as girls grow older; the choices are terrible and limited. There seems to some warped view that "Victorian style" dresses appeal for children up to age 6 or 7. Then the little girls somehow morph straight into desiring bar-fly attire. There IS a middle ground ! (DD and I are not "LH-on-P" people.)

 

Children and teens model (or rebel against) what the ADULTS model, teach, and provide as examples. Clothing, cosmetics, movies, magazines, hair removal, hair styles, liposuction, multiple "partners", whatever.

So true. The niece that I spoke of earlier has a mom who dies her hair every 4 weeks even when they can't pay for braces or rent, and has her bellybutton pierced, wears a bikini, etc.

 

But for me, issues like wearing bras, shaving legs, and plucking/waxing eyebrows aren't necessarily about growing up too fast. Like it or not, when girls go through puberty many tend to get obsessed with their appearance. And girls are going through puberty at a younger age than in the past.

 

I think my girls are beautiful but I am quite sure that when they look in the mirror, they first see their flaws. I wish it weren't true, but honestly, how many of us look in the mirror and think "Wow, I look great!". Maybe some of you do, but I sure don't and I really don't think most women do that. My dd looks in the mirror and sees her eyebrows. I wouldn't say she's obsessed, but she certainly focuses on them as a flaw. If a simple waxing is going to improve her self image I don't know how that would be a bad thing. My hope is that it will allow her to focus LESS on her appearance. Now if we do this and she suddenly starts focusing on some other perceived fault, then I'll have to re-evaluate.

 

We have an appointment at 3:00 today for her first waxing. Her friend had it done and they ripped the skin off, so dd's a little nervous.

I see nothing wrong with waxing eyebrows. Men do it too. My 15 year old nephew shaves his so that he won't have a unibrow.

 

What I don't like is my 6 year old wanting to shave her legs or wear a bra. To me, that is just wanting to grow up to fast.

[gingersmom]

My daughter since she was tiny (she started picking out her own clothes at 2) has been uninterested (for the most part) in what others are wearing/doing.

 

She is super skinny but is totally oblivious to how well she carries her clothes. She wears what she likes and doesn't get obsessed about the latest trends. She is also almost 13 and a late bloomer (no boobs, no sign of period).

 

I have offered to let her wear makeup (on a special occassion) and she tells me she hates makeup. Okay, then.

 

I guess things could change as she gets older but I really don't think so. She has always been 1000% her own person.

 

I find all this amusing because I was 100000% opposite when I was her age.

[Mommy22alyns]

Yes, as a mom of two girls, I worry a lot. It's already a challenge to keep them dressed appropriately and they're only 4 and 6!

 

I'm also shocked by the amount of people who assume that I curl Sylvia's hair. She's 4. Four years old, and they're surprised that it's natural. Is it natural to curl or flatiron a four year old's hair on a daily basis? :confused:

[SLH in ND]

Yes, I worry quite a bit about my 3 girls and the pressures that society puts on these youngsters.

 

I told dds that they could get pierced ears at 10, but can only wear small earrings. My 14 yo just got her first couple pair of "dangly" (nothing gaudy or outrageous either) earrings and is content. No make-up, though, until at least 16 and I'm not sure what I'll allow at that point. Right now, some sheer lip gloss is fine and they do 'play make-overs' once in a while. They sometimes curl their hair for special events, but none of them even want to mess with taking time with it on a daily basis. A ponytail is usually the hairstyle choice around here.

 

The subject of clothing is a painful one. My 14 yo is very tall, slender, well-developed, (in other words, she looks much older than she is). She is still a girl but the clothes that are out there for her size are not acceptable to me. We've had to get very creative in trying to layer tops to provide a modest look without resorting to turtle necks. She has started getting pretty frustrated (and rightly so) because it's been so hard to find clothing. However, her lack of maturity in dealing with it has caused her to just rebel and try to get away with wearing lower cut shirts (hooker clothing). Now my headstrong 12-yo dd thinks she can follow in big sis' footsteps. I must stay strong and stand my ground! :glare:

 

I was really disappointed recently when I caught an episode of some show on the Disney channel (the main characters are twin boys). First, we don't have cable, so when we're at my parents or somewhere else that has cable tv and the girls get to watch something, it's usually the Disney Channel because I don't know of anything else. Anyways, I saw this scene where these teen (probably 13 or 14) boys took girls to their dad's [empty] apartment for some.........(you can fill in the blank). It showed a little to much, IMO. I couldn't believe it. It reminded me of a comment an extended family member made once when we were talking about how kids are not allowed to be [innocent] kids any longer: "s*x sells." Sick, but true and the sad thing is that this family member has a 13 yo and for many years has flat out told her that being s*xy is cool. UGH.

 

I think all these things take away innocence and put so much pressure on girls to be older. Yep, I do worry about my girls and I will probably worry even more when actually are older/grown up!

 

Sheri :)

[amy g.]

I agree about father love, and limiting how much advertising young girls are exposed to.

 

I also think it is critical that they become competent and excel in areas that have nothing to do with appearance. I also forbid negative body talk in their presence. I don't allow them to hear people saying, "I hate my thighs" or I can't believe I'm so fat". I don't even like adults to mention that they are dieting around my kids.

 

I would let my almost 15 year old or even my almost 11 year old wear a little make-up or pierce their ears, but they have absolutely no interest in it at all.

 

They think it is so silly for people to obsess about their looks. They don't even really like being friends with girlie girls. I try to change their minds about that one, but they just find them boring.

[skaterbabs]

Dot has had her ears pierced since she was five days old, and we've paintyed her toenails since infancy in bright, fun colors (pink, purple, blue, etc.) But she's only have her fingernails painted by me once, and that was last summer for her uncle's wedding in which she was a flower girl and it was made VERY clear that this was a special occasion thing. (How often does one participate in a family member's wedding? LOL) My neices & sister have painted her fingernails a couple of times, but I have made it quite clear that MY rule is she must be 6 years old before she may have "pretty fingers" (her term for it), finger colors are limited to almost-nude shades or clear/sparkly polishes, and ONLY for "dress up" occasions (church, etc) for a while.

 

I will not tell her when she can shave, but makeup will wait until 14-16 years old (excepting cheer/dance/other performance events).

 

High heels and strapless dresses - probably mid-teens. Bra? When she needs one, but based on the past three generations in my family she may well make it to high school first. LOL

Edited July 25, 2009 by skaterbabs

[HRAAB]

Yes, I do. Have you been bra shopping recently for your 12 yr old dd. Wow! Padded, push-up things that look like they're trying to mimic Victoria's Secret. Geez. Disgusting.

 

I don't see any need for make-up until they're older - maybe 15 a little mascara. Maybe. I don't mind lip gloss earlier. I would allow shaving when the hair is noticeable.

 

Janet

[TravelingChris]

Both my almost 16 and 12 1/2 wear lipstick at times. They find it is better at lip protection and they both have big problems with chapping lips, dry lps, whatever. They had excema problems when they were younger. They wear close to their natural color except the older one wears brighter one if she is going to a special occasion like the theater. The younger one occasionally wears some light foundation just so her red face is not so noticeable. SHe has red hair and very light skin and gets flushed or sunburned very easily. NO mascara, eye shadow, blush or anything like that for them nor do they want it. I would allow the 16 yo if she wanted it and on special occassions but she doesn't. I don't see it as a mating ritual at all. I don't even think I was wearing any makeup when I started out with my future husband.

 

Compared to other non homeschooled and even some homeschooled girls, they are backward on the dating scene. But they are normally social and not backward in being able to share regular events with acquaintances. So all the homeschoolers and non homeschoolers alike around here know about Rick Rolling and other internet tricks and fads. I have found the homeschoolers I associate with to have higher learning standards but not necessarily stricter viewing standards or computer standard than the school kids. My girls aren't getting into trouble with emailing their friends from other places (we keep moving) but I am very glad they aren't into boyfriend things either. SOme homeschoolers we knew in other places were happy to match up kids in their later teens (16 and up). I am into having them wait and find nice guys in college or later.

[Danestress]

I think about the difference in raising boys and raising girls and how HARD it is to be a girl and probably to raise one. When boys look at the world and see what men do and copy it, we generally love it. They push pretend lawn mowers, fight with pretend swords, slay the pretend villains, and can't wait to grow muscles and beards and be men. And we are happy for them. While we love their babyhood and partly mourn losing them to robust male teenagers, it's all good, really.

 

Poor girls. They look at the world and see women. Like boys, they want to grow up or at least pretend to be grown up. And like boys, they don't want to be the boring adults. Few boys (although there are some!) put on a tie and pretend to go to the bank and then pretend to have a soul-killing 7:00 am marketing meeting. No way. They want to be the manly fire fighter/dragon killer men.

 

So it's no surprise that girls don't necessarily want to pretend to cart children to ballet while making a quick stop at the bank, dropping off a prescription and picking up the laundry. What girl dreams of losing her waistline, having adult acne, and juggling the trauma of an older child's 6th grade school dance while battling a mammary gland infection? That stuff is NOT fun.

 

They want to be the really FUN adult women. You know, the one's on tv or the princesses your read about. When girls play "pretend to be the adult woman with an exciting (appearing) life," it's not quite as cute as when boys do it, I guess. Maybe because being an adult woman in our culture is so much about finding the right man, having s@x and then living out the consequences.

 

As much as you don't want your girls to be hoochie-mama dressing bimbos and don't want them to develop princess complexes, I don't want my boys getting shot at in a real war or getting in real fights or having real gun battles. And yet "play war" isn't as threatening as "play sex symbol" or even "play princess." It seems like we worry so much about girls being spoiled and egotistical, and I understand why. I guess if I had a girl, I would definitely share that fear. I everything you all express resonates with me.

 

But I wonder how girls can safely play "adult" in our culture without worrying their mothers and fathers too much. Unless they are prone to want to play with baby dolls, it seems like so much that represents being an adult woman is threatening. I think that's because or tv and movie images of women are so s@xualized. But you know, the image of a warrior/dragon slayer/fire fighter is also about s@xuality, but just not as threatening.

 

Just thinking aloud here.

[lmrich]

Endlessly.... What I have seen people address is the cell phone, face book, texting crud that seems to be happening with younger and younger girls. I am shocked that parents allow their 12 dd to have a facebook page and text constantly! My daughter (10) really wants to have a cell phone - everyone in her dance class has one! She naturally makes great choices in what she wears - she loves to layer because she gets cold alot (just like me) so yippeee I can dodge that bullet a little longer.

 

My other daughter (7) has been concerned with body image forever. She is super skinny and talks about being fat or pretty etc. It really concerns me.

 

My 12 ds has none of these worries. He doesn't care what others think or wear. He doesn't beg for a cell phone. I can't honestly say it is a boy/girl difference; it is just him. I know his time will come but I enjoy him still loving to play in a creek!