If you are done having children....

[Jami]

Thank you for all the responses. I guess it is different for everyone.

 

I go back and forth all the time. Babies are so precious and the only reason I wouldn't want to get pregnant again is because I gain so much darn weight every time and it's taking me longer and longer to lose it all. Besides that we are only 26.

 

But I think I have realized while reading this thread that if DH says we are done, then we are done. Reid is only 9 months old, so he has plenty of time to change his mind about it if he suddenly decides we should have more. Until then, there is no point in my worrying about it because it won't change things right now.

 

 

I think it is hard to know when you're still that young. After our 3rd I had just turned 29 and dh was 28. She was our third child in three years and we were overwhelmed. We actually scheduled a vas. twice, and broke the appointment twice. I just wasn't ready to make that decision at our ages...one thought I had was what if something were to happen to dh or to me and the other one remarried? So we waited and just assumed we were done unless we felt convinced otherwise. I did before dh, when our youngest was 3.5, I felt like it was time to add a baby. I wanted the experience of a baby without being pregnant right again afterwards (like with #1) or with toddlers and preschoolers. I have kids who can really be a part of being "big" siblings now and I wanted that for our family, though having them close has been fun in some ways too. It took me a couple of months to get dh on board, but now we're excited and eager to welcome our 4th child...who is taking her sweet time in arriving! After the gap it all feels sort of new again!

[Johanna]

Its hard to explain. It has to do with a feeling of completeness, along with agreement with your hubby. I didnt feel it till I had my 4th, and although I do miss the feeling of being preggo and having a newborn, we were convinced that we were done and ready to move on to the next stage in life. It felt different but I had a peace. If I hadnt, then dh would have never gotten fixed.

[Rosie_0801]

I'm having our second and last in three weeks. There's no way I'm going to spend another year of my life on a bean based diet to control gestational diabetes, plus the usual sickness and fatigue of pregnancy, unable to be nice to the offspring we already have. I'd love to have more. I come from a family of three so two seems incomplete, but they'd have to come from a baby shop because nothing other than serious failure of contraception would have me doing pregnancy again. That being said, I did have a bit of a sniff as I was packing up baby girl clothes for my friend that I wasn't going to have any more daughters to wear those cute, little, hot pink velvet pants...

 

Rosie

[cathmom]

But I don't know how we'd homeschool with littles into everything .

 

It's really really hard!

[Staci in FL]

We have 4dc, only 1 "the hard way". The other 3 are adopted, so "the easy way" :D.

 

Oh my. Well, while I never had the blessing of having children, as you say, "the hard way", I would certainly never describe the four adoptions that I pursued "easy".

 

Staci

[happyWImom]

Well, I'm forced to be done-sob, sob! Dh is a lot older than me, and I had fertility issues, so getting pregnant cost us a lot of money. After we had 2, he said "No more", and then he had himself taken care of. I always have the longing, though. I know I should be satisfied with 2 healthy, happy children-but I would still love more.

[Annie Laurie]

It's really really hard!

 

I started hsing when my oldest was in 4th grade, and I do remember my then 2 and 3 year olds being into everything! My dd was a scribbler and scribbled all over her bedroom walls while I was busy and lots of other fun stuff. All that saved me was that I had a very relaxed hsing mindset and unschooled a lot of subjects at the time. I'm not as relaxed now and don't see how I could keep up. I have the utmost respect for all you moms who juggle so much, toddlers and hsing are a tough combo!

[coralloyd]

I struggle with this same ?. My parents only had me because of medical complications and being completely content with just me, they knew they were done(never had any doubts :confused:). My mom was never much of a "baby" person unless it was me or now her grandchildren. I however am not like this. Before I had children of my own, I always worked with children in almost every job I had. I LOVE babies. We have 3 dc right now, and I am still fairly young (29). I don't want to make a decission based on the fact of loving babies, though. I can't imagine hsing more than 3 :eek:. I also want each of my kids to really enjoy being a kid. The more you have the more responsibility your older ones take on. I also had 3 c-sections, and heart issues with each (turned out to be nothing serious, but had to pay the extra medical bills that came with this).

It would help if Dh was sure about what he wants, but he goes back and forth as much as I do. Everytime he sees a baby he goes ga ga also. So needless to say I am sooo unsure :001_unsure:.

[Peela]

Not done, but dh is done- very clear about that, so done. Has to be that way. So no, I dont have a clear physical feeling I am done- but my intelligence knows that its not oging to happen bar a miracle.

I focus on what I have rather than what I dont have.

[Renee in NC]

I also want each of my kids to really enjoy being a kid. The more you have the more responsibility your older ones take on.

 

This is entirely dependent on the family involved.

[Tree House Academy]

Adding this factoid: My dh is also older than me...10 years, and that defintiely makes our decision to have no more a lot easier.

[FlockOfSillies]

#5 came about a year earlier than we planned, LOL, but the house is full, and I definitely feel like I'm at my limit of what I can handle. And neither of us feels like there's someone "missing" like we did after #3 or #4.

[PamJH]

I knew before my second one was born that I was done. We replaced ourselves and I'm a firm believer in zero population growth. That said, I come from a family of five and I love each one of my sibs to death. My husband also comes from a family of 5 and his dad from a family of 12. So we're used to large families. Nothing wrong with having lots of kids if that's what you want.

 

I was 35 when I had my son and I knew I wouldn't have the patience or the energy to have any more little ones after that. So two reasons for me.

 

Thanks for asking. It's an interesting question.

[Tap]

We were blessed with ds14 when we were 22yo, he was very sick for 2.5 yrs until we figured out his allergies. We lost a pgy at 22 weeks at 24. We had dd at 26 and she was a tyrant until she was 4. It was a hard 8 years, we were young, the unexpected baby and other factors meant no college for me. We gave up a lot to raise them close to our hearts.

 

We were very done. Very done. There was no way I wanted to have another child, we had give up sooooo much, for so many years, even when we had nothing to give. Dh and I have both had surgeries, we can't have anymore kids.

 

We had finally gotten to the point where we were comfortable, the kids were 12 and 8, and we found out that my niece had lost custody of her dd and we decided to take her baby in. DD2 is also my great niece. It was the hardest decision, and the easiest we ever made. It was hard to sacrifice again, to reset our lives by 8 years....but we knew it was the right decision, for her.

 

Now, I wonder if her mom will have another and how we will decide if we should take in another baby or not. Dh says "no way!" he wants our lives back, but I really hate the idea of her growing up so much younger than our older kids, and more like an only child. She will be the only kid home after the age of 10 (even if the older kids are home at 18-22 they are adults not kids KWIM). So, since our dd2's bio-mom is only 22, we could be asked to start over again, I don't think the courts will allow her to keep any kids at this point of time. (She isn't pg, but she doesn't seem to have a hard time conceiving)

Edited January 7, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap

[alpidarkomama]

(I'm 42, almost 43). And God Bless anyone who wants to try it at my age, but with my other 2 at 12 and 9, this is enough.

 

You made me laugh! We're 40 and 47 and have kids that are 5, 3, 2, and 1. If we were 10 years younger we'd love to have 1 or 2 more, but, no, this is fine. We brought the younger two home from Ethiopia 8 months ago. I no longer tease my husband about #5. :) That's how I knew we were done. But I LOVE having four even if it's pretty crazy with them so close together in age and doing all the learning at home too. Crazy and the best thing I've ever done.

[Renthead Mommy]

I had a super easy get pregnant, super easy pregnancy, super easy birth and super easy baby.

 

That all said, he is the only one. And we pretty much always knew we only needed/wanted one. We were planning the vasectomy by his first birthday. It took till his second birthday to finally get it scheduled and done. Never regretted it, or gave it a second thought.

[Christine]

...how did you know you were done? Is being done something you know for certain?

 

Here's a can of worms for you.

 

We are done whenever DH tells me we are done. . .which, we were done after #2. (and he got "fixed")

 

I've always wanted a big family.

 

There are ALWAYS complications at birth. (My placenta never "delivers" on it's own. . .which requires special "handi-work" on the part of the doctor.)

 

DH mentioned this to a Dr. and the Dr. said if the problem is known in advance it's not too big a deal.

 

And, thus, a reversal, and sons # 3 & 4.

 

And, then DH was "done" again. ("officially" speaking)

 

I'm starting to see signs that DH may be ready for more. . .

 

Please note that I'm not going on and on about having more kids, he just knows my heart.

 

. . .but, I suspect it won't happen as he's about to leave the service. (And reversals are "free" in the service. . .not so much elsewhere.)

 

I will say it'd be nice, if the man didn't just go out and get fixed everytime he thinks he's done. . .(within 2 months of a birth)

[Laura Corin]

We always felt that two was a nice number (once we were surprised to find that we could have children at all). We are happy with the two now and don't in any way yearn for another.

 

Laura

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I knew I was done when the doctor sat me down and told me that he was concerned that more than 3 would seriously jeopardize my health and the health of the baby. I knew I had to be thankful for my 3dc, count my blessings and move on. It was so hard. I wanted at least 6! My dh just wanted what was best for me and our family and handled it better than I.

[Trivium Academy]

It's between the couple whether or not they are done, so I cannot comment on your life.

 

I have dd8 and ds4 and at this point in my life will not have anymore but there's a lot of life left ahead so who knows. It's not on the immediate forecast, while the door is not closed indefinitely, it's just solidly shut right now. Bolted, with multiple locks, and a security system in place. :lol: I'm laughing but dead serious.

 

Consider health issues, economics, and current responsibilities. I know that with my 2 if I were to have just one more child, we'd need a bigger house, car and grocery bill as well as more furniture (bigger kitchen table), etc. What has stopped me from having another has nothing to do with economics though.

[Guest janainaz]

I'm done because my dh is done and also for my own reasons.

 

I consider all the important factors - I homeschool and I don't want to add more stress to my plate. I want to a be a good mom to the ones I have (I don't think I'm well-suited personality-wise for lots of children). I also look at finances and the stress of having 4 other people to feed would put on my husband. He already stresses, he does not need anymore added to him.

 

I could still get pregnant - we have not had any surgeries to seal the deal and if I did, I would be ok with it. But, we are not actively trying and are happy with our boys. I like the "idea" of being pregnant and having another one, but the reality of it does not seem right for us.

[3lilreds in NC]

I always wanted 4 children. Dh was good with 2, especially when they came a year apart. I will confess that while I desperately wanted another baby after Abbie was born, dh assured me I was nuts to consider it, and the longer I wasn't pregnant, the happier I was not being pregnant. I couldn't make a permanent decision, though.

 

I didn't use any BC for several years and really thought God said we were done, and I was going to look into adoption. Then I found out Schmooey was on the way! :lol: He is a miracle, a tremendous blessing, such a joy - but now I *know* I don't want to be pregnant again. Bleah. We did make a permanent decision not to have any more children when he was born.

 

I'm still open to adoption, but my dh is not there. God will have to move him along to make that happen. So, we'll see. But, I'm afraid 3 lil' reds are all I get. :D

[Dee22]

My first two came easily when I was in my 20's. The third took a while and we started to think that we may not have anymore. I was very sick for the third pregnancy. I had gestational diabetes and it was not fun. Still I was not sure I didn't want another until I had more health problems after she was born. A few years ago I mentioned to my husband that maybe we shouldn't have more, he called the urologist the next day. :001_smile: I can't say I didn't second guess the decision at first but I am completely at peace now.

[Garga]

I'm done and I know it. Firmly. I have two: 3yo and 6yo. The thought of going back to breast feeding, sleep deprivation, constant interruption, and homeschooling in the middle of all that makes me almost physically ill!

 

I have no doubts about my decision and no desire for another baby.

 

I'm 36, so I'd be in the high-risk category now. I have a friend who had a baby after 35 and, sure enough, the baby has downs. That's why you're high risk after 35.

[LBC]

...how did you know you were done? Is being done something you know for certain?

 

For some reason, I really wanted four children - maybe because I only had one sister, and no cousins. I hate being pregnant, so after my third was born I decided I was done. My doctor told us to wait until the baby was 6 months before doing anything "permanent". The day before dh's appointment, I called and canceled. I didn't want another baby, but I wasn't 100% sure anymore. When our baby was about two, I began to realize that I really wanted one more. At first, dh wasn't on board, but in the end he said that if I was happy, he was happy. Dh had his little procedure done before our 4th was born. I was 35, and really didn't want to go through another pregnancy, even if something terrible happened, and our baby didn't make it (which almost was the case, but that's a whole other story).

 

I am so glad that I pushed for my 4th, and I have never once wished for more children. My quiver is full.:D

 

Lori

[SheilaZ]

My body can't handle another pregnancy. Each pregnancy has meant more drugs, more bedrest, and more issues.

I had a rescue cerclage at 31 weeks with our last son and then total bedrest and Brethine for the next 6 weeks.

 

That kind of sealed the deal but we had always planned for just four children. I was thankful to get those four.

[cathmom]

 

I'm 36, so I'd be in the high-risk category now. I have a friend who had a baby after 35 and, sure enough, the baby has downs. That's why you're high risk after 35.

 

Not every baby born to a mom over 35 has Downs Syndrome. In fact I am pretty sure that most don't.

[ereks mom]

I'm done and I know it. Firmly. I have two: 3yo and 6yo. The thought of going back to breast feeding, sleep deprivation, constant interruption, and homeschooling in the middle of all that makes me almost physically ill!

 

I have no doubts about my decision and no desire for another baby.

 

I'm 36, so I'd be in the high-risk category now. I have a friend who had a baby after 35 and, sure enough, the baby has downs. That's why you're high risk after 35.

 

My first was born the year I turned 30 & my 2nd (last) was born the year I turned 34. We have one boy and one girl, which is what we'd always wanted. I was very confident that we were done -- for all the reasons you listed, plus others. But when my firstborn left for college & I realized that my his sister isn't far behind, I began to panic at the thought of not having young ones in the house. I'm still working through that. I've even been praying about whether to look into fostering/adopting.

[Dawn in OH]

I am 36 and my husband is 43. We have 3 children, ages 7 1/2, 6 and 17 months. We considered our options for permanent birth control and couldn't do it. Not yet.

 

I don't want another baby this year. Can I say for sure that I don't want one? No. I love having a baby in the home. This last one has completely changed my life, for the better. I cannot commit to anything permanent just yet.

[Kari C in SC]

I just knew I was done. It was a feeling. We had our first in our teens. Then we waited nearly 10 years and had our second. At that time, my dh felt he was done. I never really did. I still thought about that "other baby". Everyone who knew me knew I wasn't done. I had several people tell me that I may think my family is done, but they knew that I still wanted one more. Well, 5 years after our second child, we had a family tragedy occur. My dh literally thought I may never be happy again. We had lost our sister-in-law and she was my best friend. His reason may not have been the best, but he said we should have another baby. He really didn't know what to do to help me heal, so he thought this would help. It did in some ways, but not really. When I gave birth to my last baby, I knew I was done. I felt at complete peace to have my tubal the next day. I did not feel that way after I had my second. I haven't read the other responses, so I don't know if others just know by the peace they feel or not. Just my experience.

[Jackie in NE]

Oh my. Well, while I never had the blessing of having children, as you say, "the hard way", I would certainly never describe the four adoptions that I pursued "easy".

 

Staci

 

 

Were yours hard? Some are, I guess. Our 3 adoptions were quite easy. Some parts of the process were emotionally wrenching. But I was mainly speaking in the physical sense. My pregnancy was great, my delivery was not. Picking up a dc from the hospital was in comparison, quite "easy".

[momof165]

After several miscarriages and a still birth we were finally blessed with one child - our ds 9. I was 34 at this time, my dh 37. I have developed a heart condition that could require a replacement of my left heart valve - so, YES, we are done. First of all, I consider myself too old for another one, second of all, my medical condition does not allow for another pregnancy. On top, ds suffers from a chronical medical condition. We always wanted LOTS of children - BUT we consider ourselves blessed with the one we have. But, at times I just wish for a little girl!!!

 

Sonja

__________________________________

Homeschooling JUST ONE - ds 9

[Rosy]

I had originally wanted 6 which changed to "as many as the Lord gives us", which changed to 4 after we had our 3rd. :) Ours are really close together, and since I couldn't find a birth control method I was comfortable with, DH got snipped after I got pregnant w/#4.

 

It might sound weird, but when I had her I had this "everyone we invited showed up--time for the party to start" kind of feeling. DH definitely didn't want any more and I never wanted to be pregnant again. If we start getting the itch again, we'll consider adoption.

[LoveBaby]

Well, my DH would have been done w/ 1, but knew that would never fly with me, so we had #2 21mos. later. Then we were done again and got pregnant w/ #3. Then we were done again and got pregnant w/ #4. She's 20mos. old now and I would love to have another, but DH isn't ready yet. We'll see what the good Lord decides to bless us with (and that'll mean my DH having a huge change of heart!)

[Storm Bay]

Not every baby born to a mom over 35 has Downs Syndrome. In fact I am pretty sure that most don't.

 

No, most don't. I had my first baby at 35, and have 3. All healthy. I never had an amnio (just the thought of a needle in my belly was too much) but I did have level 2 ultrasounds so we'd know what's what. The risk goes up with age, but with my blood and ultrasound results my risk when I was 40 for a downs syndrome was less than 1 in 700. Not sure what the risk was when I started.

 

But my first baby did cry nearly all the time (thinking of a poster from the first page (on my long pages--some of you get way more pages than I do). I still can't believe I tried for a second after all that screaming, but I did (of course, she was so sweet when she was 1 & 2 that I just knew she needed a sister). Dh was a surprise, and we're very happy to have him, but I did not enjoy being pregnant. Tired, grumpy. Perhaps related to age but also to not enough sleep. I might have loved it if I'd done it 14 years sooner.

 

Pregnancy is easier when you're in your 20s (barring special exceptions, of course.)

[Storm Bay]

Were yours hard? Some are, I guess. Our 3 adoptions were quite easy. Some parts of the process were emotionally wrenching. But I was mainly speaking in the physical sense. My pregnancy was great, my delivery was not. Picking up a dc from the hospital was in comparison, quite "easy".

 

It depends on how you do it. I have 2 adopted brothers, and I know that for my mother, picking up the younger of those 2 was way easier than having a C-section (which she did with the rest of us.) My mother had very easy pregnancies--according to my dad she was at her best. The other one had issues to overcome as he had come from a troubled home, but it worked out well in the end, and I don't think he was harder to raise than some of the rest of us!!!

[5sweeties]

We started our family immediately when we got married, and I was barely 20 when I got pregnant the first time. We had 5 children by the time I was 28...and I always promised myself I would have my babies, all that I wanted, and quickly, and then I would be done, so that I could enjoy other stages of my life in different ways. My second, and last 2 pregnancies were a mess, and after being blessed with 5 healthy, happy children, and my own survival, and not one miscarriage, which none of my doctors could believe, that was enough for me. I had to have surgery after baby #5, because of my problems, so I can't have any more children anyway, but that's great with me, as I wouldn't choose to, even if I could. Add to that a fairly bad case of scoliosis that cause me remarkable pain during my pregnancies, and total insomnia for those same months. I'm thrilled beyond words that my body held out as long as it did, and equally thrilled to see my kids grow up and enjoy that part of parenting. I never, never have baby fever. I look forward to enjoying grandchildren someday, but can wait a long, long time for that blessing! I love my big kids!

[Guest 4boys]

^^ I sort of feel that way. We started at 19 and I occasionally get this itch that 5 is the right number. But right now I am so done with babies (as is DH) that we may not get there. Maybe we both just need a bit of a break! Maybe it's just too soon. This is sort of why I'm debating the issue with myself.

[KidsHappen]

I am done. I got pregnant with the first on the pill. Then I wanted to give him one sibling. Then I divorced and remarried. My current dh and I wanted one dc together so the second planned pregnancy. I had cervical cancer between baby #2 and baby #3. The doctor told me that there could be some problems and of course there was. I had pretty severe bleeding during pregnancy and then life threatening bleeding after birth. I thought for sure I was done after that. I was breast feeding, using NFP and the sponge. I still managed to get pregnant when #3 was 7 months old. That was also a difficult pregnancy and delivery. Lots more bleeding. The dr.s said no more. So were were breast feeding, using NFP and the diaphram. That worked for about 2 years and then #5 was on her way. After her we used breast feeding, NFP and condoms and gels. and yet at two years we had another one on the way. The last two pregnancies were the easiest. No problems at all. Also deliveries went well. But with the last, she had breathing problems when she was born and had to be transported to an NICU. After that I knew that I was done. I couldn't do this any more. So when she was about 6 months old dh had a vas.

 

About three years ago I got baby fever pretty bad. We were considering reversal. This lasted about six month and then it went away and now I am well on my way to menopause so definitely no more babies. And now I have a grandbaby so I am happy.

Edited January 8, 2009 by KidsHappen

[LibraryLover]

We have four and I would love to have more. I am not sure how that will happen, but I don't think we are 100% done.

[Lolly]

...how did you know you were done? Is being done something you know for certain?

 

Dh said DONE after the twins (#2+3) were born. then, after ds (#4) came along, he went and made sure it wouldn't happen again. That is how I know I am done. Dh said so.

[TracyR]

"Not every baby born to a mom over 35 has Downs Syndrome. In fact I am pretty sure that most don't. "

 

That is correct. Most children born with Downs are from younger women. I am part of another special needs board and the vast majority of families that have children with Downs are much younger then 35. I really think that after age 35 and high risk is old fashioned, out of date thinking. No matter how old you are you are at risk. I was 30 when my daughter was born with VACTERL. Its rare and it is similar to Down's but without the mental component( many children with downs are born with what my daughter was born with). I know even younger mothers who have children that are born with what my daughter was born with. Sometimes they come into it all and the child is their first. But they go on to have more.

I think though that having a child with special needs makes you a better person.

 

I had my tubes tied after I had my fourth because my husband thought he was done so I stupidly respected that decision. I regret it every moment of every day of my life. I was not ready. I still long for a baby, and he now regrets it too.

My neighbor is going to have her baby soon and I just wish it were me and I can't wait to get to hold him. With what has been thrown my way , my last two births were rough in a way that my third was to big , and my fourth was born with ,whatever, VACTERL which really isn't genetic or hereditary , it was just a fluke of nature. I've tackled quite a bit in my life and have tackled so much that it just doesn't matter what comes my way anymore. I know every day as I put another outfit away that my daughter outgrows I just cry on the inside.

We don't have a lot of money , but we live modestly and we don't have luxurious things, other then our t.v ( with no cable) and our computer. We do lots of fun things, I am taking online college classes. So everything that has come my way hasn't stopped me from doing the things I want to do with my life. Just that I'm one of those crazy moms who would love to have another child , made a horrible mistake, and know that I'm not done ,but unless a miracle happened I won't be having anymore. :<(

[cathmom]

"

Just that I'm one of those crazy moms who would love to have another child , made a horrible mistake, and know that I'm not done ,but unless a miracle happened I won't be having anymore. :<(

 

Hugs to you, Tracy!

[Audrey]

...how did you know you were done? Is being done something you know for certain?

 

 

I have one ds. I knew I was done about half-way through the 3rd day of labour with him. :D

 

And, yes. I'm certain I'm done.

[gratefulmother]

I always imagined that we would have 3-4, so it has been hard to accept only having two. We have prayed and prayed about this and feel like it was the right thing to stop and have seen several confirmations of that, but it is still really, really hard. I honestly didn't realize how deeply ingrained my desire for more than 2 was until we decided to stop, and I saw how sad I was about it. I continue to pray that the Lord would take this desire and do something with it. Right now that is concentrating on loving the two we have well and working with abused/neglected children in our area.

[klmama]

Before our last child was born we knew we weren't done because we both felt someone was missing in our family. Now, we feel like everyone is here, and we are done...unless God has a little surprise for us!

[littlebug42]

After two children with very difficult pregnancies and two miscarriages, we are done having children. Sometimes I long for another but physically, it is just not possible. The thought of actually being pregnant again makes me want to cry (and not in a good way!)