Your perspective? It’s my mom.

[Indigo Blue]

We had severe weather yesterday. My husband worked. He works in all kinds of weather. It’s life. I stayed home with a few trees falling, thunder, lightning, and waiting for the power to go out at any moment. 
 

I didn’t call my husband during the day, and he didn’t call me. 
 

My mom called in the afternoon. During the conversation she found out Dh was at work. She was shocked. Absolutely shocked that he was out working. She asked if I had called to check on him. She was horrified to find out that I had not. I just told her that it was ok, that he had not called me, either. Her voice was going into a very high pitch and she said what if he can’t? What if he’s hurt? She was getting very angry with me. She kept on with this. 
 

I just wanted to get off the phone. She was, I felt, being dramatic, backing me into a corner, and escalating into an argument. 
 

As she hung up she said sternly, “You just text me when he gets home.” Then, as she hung up, I could hear her making disapproving grunts and sounds. As if I were an idiot. (She does this all the time to others, but now I was on the receiving end). 
 

I felt like a child being berated. I felt annoyed. I felt she was being intrusive. Dramatic. Provoking me to anger. 
 

Dh got home and said he didn’t call because, to him, it just wasn’t that bad out there. I said it was kinda scary around here, a bit. We weren’t angry, though. He was perplexed by mom, too. 
 

I just posted in another thread about how to feel in situations like this. I want to let my mom just think I’m an idiot and not care. And no, she wasn’t just being concerned. There was an element of being overbearing, controlling, and guilt inducing that was making me feel anger. It came to a point of being more about making me feel awful than it was for concern of his well being. Or that’s how I was perceiving it. 
 

So, am I awful for not calling my husband? Is my mom being crazy and unreasonable when Dh and I are both grown adults who know when it’s time to check in with one another? 
 

I want to let this go (mentally) and let my mom think badly of me and not care, but first, AITA?

 

So much guilt being lobbed onto me in that conversation!
 

 

 

 

 

[regentrude]

No, you're not awful for not calling your DH. What good would that do? If he needs help, I'm sure he has a way to contact someone, or they're working in teams ( I don't know the nature of his job).

Your mom sounds like she has anxiety. My grandma, my dad's mom, once had a phone call with him that got cut off, and she phoned my mother's *work* and had her lessons interrupted so mom could check on  him because grandma was convinced my dad had keeled over with a heart attack or something. Very bizarre. But she was just very anxious. We always had to call that we made it home okay, etc.

People with anxiety do weird things.

Edited January 10 by regentrude

[Indigo Blue]

9 minutes ago, regentrude said:

No, you're not awful for not calling your DH. What good would that do? If he needs help, I'm sure he has a way to contact someone, or they're working in teams ( I don't know the nature of his job).

Your mom sounds like she has anxiety. My grandma, my dad's mom, once had a phone call with him that got cut off, and she phoned my mother's *work* and had her lessons interrupted so mom could check on  him because grandma was convinced my dad had keeled over with a heart attack or something. Very bizarre. But she was just very anxious. We always had to call that we made it home okay, etc.

People with anxiety do weird things.

She does have anxiety. She’s also abusive. I think that explains the mix of anxious concern and guilt-inducing, controlling behavior that occur together. Thanks. 
 

 

[saraha]

You were not unreasonable. Your dh is a grown man just as you are a grown, independent woman. Your mom is a fruitcake (said in an understanding tone as I have had several calls like this with my own fruitcake over the years)

and where I’m at now, I would definitely not have texted her when he got home. But I’m just getting mean like that.

Edited January 10 by saraha

[sweet2ndchance]

I wouldn't have called my dh at work either. If something happens to him at work, he will let me know when he can. I'm okay with that.

No, you are not the a-hole for not calling him at work. Your mom is a bit on the a-hole side for projecting her feelings and needs on you.

I stopped calling my father because he would do things like this to me. I finally said enough was enough and just refuse to have contact with him since he proved over and over again that he can't behave himself and act like a normal human being. The reduction of stress in my life when I made that decision was unbelievable. 

[Indigo Blue]

6 minutes ago, saraha said:

would definitely not have texted her when he got home

I felt the same way. I was that annoyed. Dh said I should. So I did. 

[gardenmom5]

35 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

 So, am I awful for not calling my husband? Is my mom being crazy and unreasonable when Dh and I are both grown adults who know when it’s time to check in with one another? 
 

I want to let this go (mentally) and let my mom think badly of me and not care, but first, AITA?

  

No.

 

She sounds like someone who needs to get a life and has too much free time on her hands "to worry" about anything that will give herself (she thinks) meaning.  I'm assuming this isn't new behavior, you said she's done this to other people.  It is controlling.  It's also indicative of her own anxiety and she's wallowing in it.
Your life will be much more pleasant as you don't give a rip when she blows something up so she can worry.
If you want to have fun with it, when she does it - tell her how much you're concerned about her anxiety levels and you think she should talk to her dr about what she can do, medication she can take, etc. 

[saraha]

2 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I felt the same way. I was that annoyed. Dh said I should. So I did. 

I understand that. I have gotten to the point that I run all my reactions through dh because I just don’t trust myself anymore when it comes to her. Sometimes I am borrowing trouble, sometimes she is causing trouble, sometimes a request is reasonable but I am just so wore out  with her it feels unreasonable and sometimes she’s absolutely unreasonable. Dh helps me sort it all out.

[73349]

Calling and interrupting someone at work doesn't make him safer. She is being unreasonable. You don't need to do anything about that.

[gardenmom5]

24 minutes ago, regentrude said:

No, you're not awful for not calling your DH. What good would that do? If he needs help, I'm sure he has a way to contact someone, or they're working in teams ( I don't know the nature of his job).

Your mom sounds like she has anxiety. My grandma, my dad's mom, once had a phone call with him that got cut off, and she phoned my mother's *work* and had her lessons interrupted so mom could check on  him because grandma was convinced my dad had keeled over with a heart attack or something. Very bizarre. But she was just very anxious. We always had to call that we made it home okay, etc.

People with anxiety do weird things.

My grandmother was like that - as SOON as we walked in the door, we were expected to call and let her know we arrived safely.  To my knowledge, there had never been an incident where happened to someone, so it was just her.   I was a teenager when I started to "rebel" against her controlling behaviors.  One of which was to *refuse* to call her when I got home.  She'd call instead. eyeroll.

how much was anxiety (i'd never thought of her as having anxiety, just being extremely controlling) and how much was her very controlling nature, I don't know. 

It's not healthy, for anyone, to feed it.   There's a lot of truth in "we teach other's how to treat us".  If you allow a controlling person to dictate your own behavior, you will get more controlling behavior from them.  Refusing to be controlled may well produce tantrums, but we don't have to be an audience to said tantrum.

[JustEm]

The only time I'd call my dh while he was at work about a storm is if I know he's driving soon and knows of particular road hazards, such as, a downed tree on his route home or flooded road. But then I'd just text

[Indigo Blue]

11 minutes ago, saraha said:

I understand that. I have gotten to the point that I run all my reactions through dh because I just don’t trust myself anymore when it comes to her. Sometimes I am borrowing trouble, sometimes she is causing trouble, sometimes a request is reasonable but I am just so wore out  with her it feels unreasonable and sometimes she’s absolutely unreasonable. Dh helps me sort it all out.

Oh, yes. I understand this totally. 

[HomeAgain]

This would put me on alert.  I'd be inclined to stop sharing anything that would be "worrisome" and just lie through my teeth if directly asked.  It's not the healthiest approach, but it would preserve my own sanity.

DH was at work last night, too.  I didn't call him.  He can't receive texts.  I just trusted he was fine and if he wasn't, I'd get a call as his EC.  The only contact was about half an hour before he got home this morning, where he emailed to make sure we still had power. Had family called and asked, I would have absolutely just made it up that he was fine and all was good.

[City Mouse]

You are not wrong for not calling your DH at work.

My DH is in law enforcement. For the past 32 years he has had to go to work in all kinds of emergency situations where other people do not -hurricanes, floods, wild fires, even a blizzard earlier this week. While I do worry about his safety at times, I had to learn long ago not to let the worry takeover. As 73349 said, my calling DH at work just to check on him would make his job harder and less safe. My MIL used to do something similar when DH was first in law enforcement, and I learned to screen her calls at times. I couldn’t be responsible for her anxiety too. 
 

 

[saraha]

With my mom, it’s so weird because she doesn’t demand I call her every evening to say we are all home and all right. That would make sense with anxiety. It’s the absolute demands when she thinks of it, like if we are going home from her house. 
I know anxiety definitely plays a part, but it’s inconsistent and leads to jerk behavior instead of showing genuine concern. So it’s hard to be sympathetic to her anxiety when she wields it like a weapon. 

[Indigo Blue]

2 minutes ago, saraha said:

I know anxiety definitely plays a part, but it’s inconsistent and leads to jerk behavior instead of showing genuine concern. So it’s hard to be sympathetic to her anxiety when she wields it like a weapon. 

This. 1000 times this. 

[Jaybee]

My dh travels internationally, and is sometimes in places where it's just not possible to call. When I get calls, I'm glad, and when I don't, I assume he couldn't, or was in a meeting/rush, or was exhausted, etc. It would be so annoying if I were always calling and texting to check in on him when he's trying to do his job. When someone works emergency services, they don't need the distraction. So she might be anxious, but you are doing the right thing to just trust that you will hear if you need to.

[saraha]

10 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

 

This would put me on alert.  I'd be inclined to stop sharing anything that would be "worrisome" and just lie through my teeth if directly asked.  It's not the healthiest approach, but it would preserve my own sanity.

 

I started doing that with my mom about a year ago, I lie all the time now. I hate that, but not enough to truthfully answer any questions. Everything is always “just fine” here. No one ever gets sick, has any problems, does anything.

After the debacle of my sister being in the hospital, I told dh, my sister and my best friend that if I ever end up in the hospital, they are under absolutely no circumstances to tell my mother until whatever put me there is resolved by getting better and getting out, or I died. She has lost the privilege of knowing anything about us other than surface level basics.

[Indigo Blue]

Now I feel like I can dump my worries about this right into the trash can and stop caring about it, even though I am fairly certain that at least one cousin and my brother will hear about how “we had such a bad storm and Indigo didn’t call all day to see if her husband was okay.”

[Katy]

“Mom, we do not let uncontrolled anxiety overtake our lives. Maybe turn off the news and turn on some hymns. I’ll call you if anything happens, but I’m sure he’s fine.”

[Ellie]

No, you weren't awful. I would feel the same way you do re:your mother. Goodness.

[Indigo Blue]

2 minutes ago, saraha said:

Everything is always “just fine” here. No one ever gets sick, has any problems, does anything.

Oh, it’s the same here. I just don’t volunteer anything. She doesn’t hear about promotions, what I buy, any problems in my life or the lives of Dh and sons, etc. I even wear the same plain clothes when I visit because, if not, I can see the wheels turning wondering how much this or that costs as she inspects it right as I walk in the door. 

[Indigo Blue]

3 minutes ago, Katy said:

“Mom, we do not let uncontrolled anxiety overtake our lives. Maybe turn off the news and turn on some hymns. I’ll call you if anything happens, but I’m sure he’s fine.”

This is a good response, Katy. Thanks. You are right about the news. That makes things worse. 

[gardenmom5]

22 minutes ago, saraha said:

I understand that. I have gotten to the point that I run all my reactions through dh because I just don’t trust myself anymore when it comes to her. Sometimes I am borrowing trouble, sometimes she is causing trouble, sometimes a request is reasonable but I am just so wore out  with her it feels unreasonable and sometimes she’s absolutely unreasonable. Dh helps me sort it all out.

I've had to do: "check my thinking/reactions".  But I also learned dh doesn't always 'get it', and sometimes he's not helpful.

12 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

The only time I'd call my dh while he was at work about a storm is if I know he's driving soon and knows of particular road hazards, such as, a downed tree on his route home or flooded road. But then I'd just text

I can only think of twice dh even wanted input.

he was picking up 2dd when she came home for christmas from college.  we were having a series of big (for us) snowstorms - and THE FREEWAY *the whole way* to the airport, was unplowed when he had to leave.  I was checking traffic cameras the entire way (no cars, no plows, unplowed) - at least we had phones and could talk.  the kid car was the only one not trapped on our hill by the snow and ice, so he put chains on it figuring he'd take them off when he got to plowed roads (except - the freeway wasn't plowed).  returning the freeway had been plowed.  (that was a notable series of storms for us - we had 2' of snow over four storms and 1/4" thick layer of ice somewhere in the middle. makes me think of the winter of 1968 when the snow was so deep, I was walking in my brother's footsteps.)

I recently had dh call me, to ask about road conditions/alternate routes while he was taking 2dd and her family to the airport after Thanksgiving . . . (and then no one responded to my phone calls . . grrr) but that was a semi-truck took a wrong turn at the airport, got blocked due to height limits, and seriously messed up traffic trying to get to the airport as they worked to get it out of there.  (the port of seattle website had news bulletins on it.  the news stations were telling people to take the train, people were bailing from the cars driving them, etc. -dh is really good at alternate routes and was able to avoid most of it, and they got to their gate 10 minutes before the doors closed.  one of their pilots was in the traffic mess so their flight was delayed leaving the gate for 50 minutes after that.)
 

7 minutes ago, saraha said:

With my mom, it’s so weird because she doesn’t demand I call her every evening to say we are all home and all right. That would make sense with anxiety. It’s the absolute demands when she thinks of it, like if we are going home from her house. 
I know anxiety definitely plays a part, but it’s inconsistent and leads to jerk behavior instead of showing genuine concern. So it’s hard to be sympathetic to her anxiety when she wields it like a weapon. 

out of sight, out of mind.  my grandmother only demanded we call her after leaving her house.     because it's not genuine concern, it was entirely about herself and control.

[catz]

You are absolutely NTA.  How would have been helpful to be bothering him all day when he was working.  This is just your day to day sending a spouse off to work.  Every couple has their own dynamics and they get to decide what they are.  When my spouse and I are away from each other we aren't constantly in communication. 

That said, there is absolutely no way I would have listened to that long diatrabe essentially critiquing your relationship.  I would practice saying "I didn't solicit an opinion from you on this.  This sounds like it's about you and not about me, so I guess we need to be done talking now.  Good bye."  And then practice not second guessing yourself.  If you do this enough and she is of sound mind, she might start thinking twice before ranting.

Edited January 10 by catz

[Bootsie]

I would not have called DH in the situation you described unless I thought there was information that I needed to convey or information from him that I needed. 

I also know that as my mom has aged she has become more anxious and everything is more extreme.  She will call and be shocked that I am going out in the rain, the cold, the heat, the dark....--yes, mom, I am going to work--these will be situations that I know my dad would have gone to work in.  I have an aunt that is one of the least controllling people I have ever met.  Just in the last couple of years she has started asking that we let her know when we get home after visiting.  I am more of a "no news is good news", but I try to comply with their requests simply out of respect.  I try to keep in perspective that it is their anxiety, their lonliness, their feeling of being out of control and not able to take care of things like they once did, that is causing their behavior.  While I might find it annoying and irritating, I try to not take it personally.

[fairfarmhand]

I’m also married to some one in essential services so he does stuff in all kinds of weather (2010 Nashville flood…yup he was out there) the last thing he needed when he was working was for me to be calling and checking on him. Because like…how does that help? It would have just distracted him from staying safe when he very much needed to focus. It’s my job to manage my anxiety about things. He’d text me a few times a day “hey I’m fine.” And that was good enough for me. so no you’re not The a-hole for not checking on him.

your mom is nuts. She’s a real piece of work and you should have hung up on her when she started.

[Rosie_0801]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I want to let this go (mentally) and let my mom think badly of me and not care, but first, AITA?

Do you even know how to be? 😂

[Indigo Blue]

3 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Do you even know how to be? 😂

Sometimes, no. Truly. 
 

In the end, I’m mostly justified or correct in my thinking, but I never trust it in the moment. I hate it. 

Edited January 10 by Indigo Blue
Ooops. Typo.

[catz]

5 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Sometimes, no. Truly. 
 

In the end, I’m mostly justified or correct in my thinking, but I never trust it in the moment. I hate it. 

I don't even think it matters if you are "right".  So little in life is black and white, right or wrong.  What is right for you may be wrong for someone else. Which is fine.  

I think the actual issue is your mother thinks she is entitled to long critical opinions on the specifics of your adult and married life.  Think of it less of chosing "right".  And more of shutting down unsolicited opinions that may be right or wrong or somewhere in between.

[bolt.]

Your question: "So, am I awful for not calling my husband? Is my mom being crazy and unreasonable when Dh and I are both grown adults who know when it’s time to check in with one another?"

You already know this answer. You are in charge of your relationship and contact with your DH (in partnership with him, of course) and you are the best judge(s) of what works well for you. You know how much concern or worry you were or weren't feeling. You were there! That's not something you can just wonder if you were wrong about.

What works well for other folks (and your mom is just one of many other folks) works for them. Lots of people have intense worries and robust contact schedules. Lots of people are just like you and your DH. Who cares. Diversity is awesome. Judgement is both unkind and pointless. 

You reporting your own best thinking, but I'm not sure you noticed. You said, "I just wanted to get off the phone"

That was your wise mind. That thought *knew* in the moment, what you actually wanted, and what would have actually served your best interests. But you wrote it into your story as if you just experienced this 'want' as a passing thought, did nothing about it, and then passively experienced all the escalation of bad experiences that came afterwards, as if they were all inevitable parts of life, until *your mom* hung up.

So, by reading that paragraph, you can probably tell that I'm implying you could have ended the phone call at any time. But that would be naive of me. If you (the real you) could have (actually could) have ended that call in that moment: you would have. So, first I want to say it's totally important progress that you *had* a thought about what you wanted to do; that you *noticed* yourself thinking that thought; and that you *remember* when it happened and how it felt. (Lots of people aren't there yet! And you are! Great job! For real.)

Now the exploration needs to be -- what were the thoughts and feelings that made actually getting off the phone feel either impossible or inconceivable? What do those thoughts sound like and feel like in your inner world? Do you remember them happening? Do they have words? Do you have clear memories of which thoughts and feelings happened at what points in time?

That's the work.

"I want to let this go (mentally) and let my mom think badly of me and not care"

That would be lovely, but we are hard wired to care what our mothers think of us, and that goal is a *long* ways from where you are right now. And when you get closer to it, you may find that it isn't even what you wanted after all. Maybe let go of that one or back burner it for now.

Instead, a more manageable goal is to work to figure out "How do I work?" -- what goes on inside of you. Which feelings are brought up by what events. Then simply accept all aspects of your current emotional life.

Say aloud something that is true for you, maybe resembling, "I'm so different from my mom that she sometimes thinks I'm a total idiot, and that hurts my heart and wounds my sense of self so deeply that I don't even know what to do with myself for a while. I also experience intense anger at her for treating me in a way that makes me feel those feelings."

That's telling the truth about yourself. Which is the starting point for all further growth.

[Indigo Blue]

Yes, so exactly how would calling him help? What if I called him at 10:00 am? He says he is fine. Well, I don’t know if he is still safe at 10:05. Or 2:00. I don’t know if he’s safe during storm days or sunny, calm days. Things can happen on those days, too. Sigh. 

 He is either inside of a residential structure working, or he is driving. If he’s inside a residential structure, he’s just as safe as I am inside my residential structure, and no one is checking to see if I am lying under a tree on my kitchen floor.

And no one is angry about that, lol. 

If he is driving and has an accident, it would be the same as any other day he was driving along.  He or someone else would call for help. Someone would notify me. 
 

Something could happen to him if he were working alone in a house, but there would be no way to know. That is just the risk he takes on his job. Lots of people do this every day. Most times, there are other people working near him in the house. 
 

I can’t explain all this to my mom because it’s exhausting, nothing you can say will make her see, and it would be likely to lead into her becoming argumentative about it even more. Even if you get that one settled, the next one is just around the corner. 
 

I just try to avoid it as much as possible. 

[Indigo Blue]

8 minutes ago, bolt. said:

Your question: "So, am I awful for not calling my husband? Is my mom being crazy and unreasonable when Dh and I are both grown adults who know when it’s time to check in with one another?"

You already know this answer. You are in charge of your relationship and contact with your DH (in partnership with him, of course) and you are the best judge(s) of what works well for you. You know how much concern or worry you were or weren't feeling. You were there! That's not something you can just wonder if you were wrong about.

What works well for other folks (and your mom is just one of many other folks) works for them. Lots of people have intense worries and robust contact schedules. Lots of people are just like you and your DH. Who cares. Diversity is awesome. Judgement is both unkind and pointless. 

You reporting your own best thinking, but I'm not sure you noticed. You said, "I just wanted to get off the phone"

That was your wise mind. That thought *knew* in the moment, what you actually wanted, and what would have actually served your best interests. But you wrote it into your story as if you just experienced this 'want' as a passing thought, did nothing about it, and then passively experienced all the escalation of bad experiences that came afterwards, as if they were all inevitable parts of life, until *your mom* hung up.

So, by reading that paragraph, you can probably tell that I'm implying you could have ended the phone call at any time. But that would be naive of me. If you (the real you) could have (actually could) have ended that call in that moment: you would have. So, first I want to say it's totally important progress that you *had* a thought about what you wanted to do; that you *noticed* yourself thinking that thought; and that you *remember* when it happened and how it felt. (Lots of people aren't there yet! And you are! Great job! For real.)

Now the exploration needs to be -- what were the thoughts and feelings that made actually getting off the phone feel either impossible or inconceivable? What do those thoughts sound like and feel like in your inner world? Do you remember them happening? Do they have words? Do you have clear memories of which thoughts and feelings happened at what points in time?

That's the work.

"I want to let this go (mentally) and let my mom think badly of me and not care"

That would be lovely, but we are hard wired to care what our mothers think of us, and that goal is a *long* ways from where you are right now. And when you get closer to it, you may find that it isn't even what you wanted after all. Maybe let go of that one or back burner it for now.

Instead, a more manageable goal is to work to figure out "How do I work?" -- what goes on inside of you. Which feelings are brought up by what events. Then simply accept all aspects of your current emotional life.

Say aloud something that is true for you, maybe resembling, "I'm so different from my mom that she sometimes thinks I'm a total idiot, and that hurts my heart and wounds my sense of self so deeply that I don't even know what to do with myself for a while. I also experience intense anger at her for treating me in a way that makes me feel those feelings."

That's telling the truth about yourself. Which is the starting point for all further growth.

Bolt wow. Thanks. You and all the others have NO idea how much these posts help.

 

9 minutes ago, bolt. said:

"I'm so different from my mom that she sometimes thinks I'm a total idiot, and that hurts my heart and wounds my sense of self so deeply that I don't even know what to do with myself for a while. I also experience intense anger at her for treating me in a way that makes me feel those feelings."

I think you just literally opened the lid on top of my heart and took a peek inside. Yep. 

[Indigo Blue]

I just really wanted to know if I should have called my husband during a really bad weather day to check on him. I needed to know that it wasn’t terrible that I didn’t. 
 

I thought it was ok that I didn’t call, but her behavior was making me second guess that. I need to trust my judgment because, actually, it usually is very good. My mom’s wrath is like being stung by a bee. It hurts for awhile until you regain your senses. 

[bolt.]

If you want to try a third line of thought, see if you can complete this sentence: "My mom has an intense ability to wound and destabilize me. She has proven in the past that from time to time she will do it, and it is very likely to continue happening from time to time in the future. The reason I continue in relationship with her is because..."

(And I'm *NOT* suggesting/implying that ending or limiting your relationship with her is 'the answer'. I'm saying that you *have a reason* for choosing to be in this relationship. There are lots of reasons for staying in troubled relationships! Some of them are quite good reasons. But I'm suggesting that you might not be consciously aware of what your reason(s) actually is/are. Finding inner honesty by figuring out your genuine reason(s) is a powerful step that's possibly within your reach based on this incident.)

[Indigo Blue]

1 minute ago, bolt. said:

If you want to try a third line of thought, see if you can complete this sentence: "My mom has an intense ability to wound and destabilize me. She has proven in the past that from time to time she will do it, and it is very likely to continue happening from time to time in the future. The reason I continue in relationship with her is because..."

(And I'm *NOT* suggesting/implying that ending or limiting your relationship with her is 'the answer'. I'm saying that you *have a reason* for choosing to be in this relationship. There are lots of reasons for staying in troubled relationships! Some of them are quite good reasons. But I'm suggesting that you might not be consciously aware of what your reason(s) actually is/are. Finding inner honesty by figuring out your genuine reason(s) is a powerful step that's possibly within your reach based on this incident.)

Thanks, Bolt. I have thought this all through. It would be just as hard for me (emotionally) to have no contact at all as it would be to have some or minimal. I just decided for myself how much time I will spend. I stick to it. 
 

About the phone call and wanting to hang up…..

Our calls are very brief because I no longer have anything interesting to say. I check on others, listen to what she says, and let her know that basically so and so is fine. And, yes, so and so is fine. Yes, my cat is okay. Etc. It’s mostly oddly passive. I think it makes her uncomfortable on some level, so she usually gets off quickly, whereas before, we would talk for an hour. Years ago. So, I knew the call was about to end. I started to end it.  It is actually really hard to do that. If you end abruptly, she will know you are annoyed at her. She doesn’t like that. It could lead to a bigger thing and more tension. So I can ignore all that and get off when she starts (which would be obvious to her) or I can just let the call end in just a minute or two, a little more smoothly. Yes, that’s egg shell walking, but I am fully aware of it. That’s the reality of it because when she becomes unregulated, she is hard to deal with and I’d prefer not to have to go through that emotional fallout. That is my honest answer. 
 

I live an hour away, and I am in control of the time I spend at her house. Our phone calls are very short and infrequent. This is all because of the changes I have made on my part. She never questioned the change in our once seemingly close relationship. If things were to get bad, I would have the courage to quickly end the call at this point, because I have made the decision that I will never be subject to her rage again. 
 

I know our relationship isn’t normal, and I no longer try to make it so. This is what it is, and it’s the most peaceful way for me. 

[fraidycat]

You are not the a-hole. Your mom is. Calling him while he is at work will not make him any safer than he was, and could possibly put him in danger because he could get distracted by the phone call, or worrying about you being worried. 
 

My go to line for the unstable, anxious person in our life is "Managing your anxiety is your responsibility, not mine/ours" whenever they make an unreasonable demand to me or the kids. 
 

Them: "You need to... (unreasonable demand)." 

Me: "Managing your anxiety about this is your responsibility."

Them: "You need to make your kid..."

Me: "I can't control anyone but myself, but managing your anxiety about this is your responsibility."

Needless to say, I'm an unsupportive a-hole with many other egregious character flaws according to that person. 😁😁  I'm about the only one who has boundaries and does not try to appease them and their anxieties. 

Edited January 10 by fraidycat

[SKL]

I wouldn't have called either.  If I were called at work just to check to see if I was status quo, it would be an annoying distraction ... unless there were downed buildings in my vicinity.

I've learned that different people have different needs when it comes to touching base, among other things.  I have friends who constantly check in and tell each other all sorts of details that I feel no desire to share.  Then they think I am stand-offish or uncaring.  Some people have trouble understanding that differences in needs / personalities aren't necessarily good/bad.

An example from my life is how I respond to things my kids are dealing with.  I am more interested in encouraging them to self-advocate, problem-solve, do the work, and sometimes just accept that life has ups and downs, and we can't have everything.  I live with people who think a mother should be quick to respond and problem-solve at the first inkling that the kids are facing any challenge.  It can be annoying in the extreme.  Yes, it touches a nerve.  Just because I can tell without a thermometer that my kid doesn't have a fever doesn't mean I'm uncaring. 

Anyhoo.  It's about them, and it's about me, being sensitive.  If I didn't actually care about my kids (or whatever else), then I guess it wouldn't bother me.

[marbel]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Now I feel like I can dump my worries about this right into the trash can and stop caring about it, even though I am fairly certain that at least one cousin and my brother will hear about how “we had such a bad storm and Indigo didn’t call all day to see if her husband was okay.”

Forget this part of your sentence. It doesn't matter what she tells other people about you.  If they have any sense, they will just roll their eyes at her. 

[Indigo Blue]

Also, I know that lots of people have anxiety. I probably have at least some. And no wonder. 
 

But if anyone reading this does have anxiety, please don’t equate my mom’s behavior with yours. If anxiety were the only thing, I would have no problem being more supportive and finding workarounds and such. Having anxiety doesn’t mean you are toxic. I want to differentiate between those things in case anyone here feels triggered. 
 

The problems in our relationship, I believe, are stemming more from her abusive nature and less from just the pure anxiety.

 

Just wanted to clarify.  

[Carrie12345]

3 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Also, I know that lots of people have anxiety. I probably have at least some. And no wonder. 
 

But if anyone reading this does have anxiety, please don’t equate my mom’s behavior with yours. If anxiety were the only thing, I would have no problem being more supportive and finding workarounds and such. Having anxiety doesn’t mean you are toxic. I want to differentiate between those things in case anyone here feels triggered. 
 

The problems in our relationship, I believe, are stemming more from her abusive nature and less from just the pure anxiety.

 

Just wanted to clarify.  

Yeah, this is a whole other thing (most probably exacerbated by anxiety.)

I have anxiety. And a spouse who travels for work and volunteers as an interior firefighter also with rope and ice rescue, kids on the fire department, and EMTs. Will I sometimes text, asking them to check in when they can? Sure. Will I sometimes check their location instead of texting? Sure. Did I text my mother after 20 minutes of waiting for my sister to respond after she was in a closet for a tornado warning? Yup. Did I text my son a million miles away because a rotation was spotted near him and he’s ASD-oblivious? Yes.  
Is anger ever involved? No.

[Kanin]

3 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Now I feel like I can dump my worries about this right into the trash can and stop caring about it, even though I am fairly certain that at least one cousin and my brother will hear about how “we had such a bad storm and Indigo didn’t call all day to see if her husband was okay.”

Obviously, your mother is unreasonable. If your family members get swept up in it, too, then they are also unreasonable. 

[Bambam]

I think some people are just excessive worriers. My MIL is one. We left a child home all day, safe neighborhood, close neighbors who were always home during the day who could help, we had a landline at that time and she was well able to use it, she was very capable and independent. My MIL acted like were insane and horrible neglectful parents because, " a venomous snake could have got into the house and bit her without her knowledge and she could have died." (or something like that). And we were ????? So, we just ignore that sort of thing - her worries are excessive and endless and rarely make any sort of sense.  And we often just don't tell her situations because it is like she is looking for something to worry about. I never told her when a kid was sick because she would call at least once a day. One kid threw up once, and she wanted me to take kid to ER.  Nope, this isn't an ER visit worthy event. 

I'd try not to let it bother me. I know sometimes it is hard, but make a good evaluation of the risk and any benefit to action (? would calling actually help??), and if not, just ignore and go on. 

[Indigo Blue]

5 minutes ago, Kanin said:

Obviously, your mother is unreasonable. If your family members get swept up in it, too, then they are also unreasonable. 

Yes, they could be, but….

This brings me to another topic. Triangulation. If my mom, hypothetically, criticizes me to a cousin by text or whatever, my mom is going to make it look like I really was being awful. It’s what toxic people do. 
 

My cousin is my mom’s go to for info dump right now, because I am, by choice, no longer that person. The thing is, she used to convince me all the time that xyz person had this or that flaw or problem. She’d relate to me a wrong doing that was supposedly done to her by someone. I’d listen, wide-eyed, and would say I just can’t believe so and so said that or did that! How awful. 
 

Just the other day, a ex-coworker was at her house when I arrived. This lady was someone I had heard many negative stories about from mom. I caught myself bringing these things up in my head as she approached me outside! She was very friendly to me, and I just had an epiphany in that moment. I had NO reason to think badly of her considering the level of toxicity of the person relaying the stories. The same with mom’s neighbor. I have to guard my thoughts and don’t jump to conclusions about people because of what mom has told me. This is what triangulation can do! It’s powerful. 
 

So, I know full well if anyone is hearing things about me, my mom is putting her spin on it. I can say… so just don’t care about that. But gosh, these are people with whom I could potentially have a good relationship with if they weren’t so enmeshed with my mom. They only hear her side, which is very convincing. So I can work on not caring, but it’s hard and it’s hurtful in reality. 

[Indigo Blue]

Just another example of the above post…

 

My mom’s sister has Alzheimer’s. She’s 83. She is cared for by family and lives with her daughter. One day, they had her out on a nice day jumping on their trampoline. 
 

Cousin told mom about it. Mom was livid when she told me about it. She said they had no business having an Alzheimer’s patient on a trampoline, and that her sister must have been very frightened and confused. That they were being irresponsible regarding aunt’s safety. I was just kinda thinking, ok, mom could be right, here, but I wasn’t sure. Then mom said she’d show me the video they sent. She said to me I want to know what you think about this. 
 

I watched it, and all I could see was a beautiful moment. My aunt jumping on a trampoline with cousin and nephew holding her by the hands the whole time. They were all wildly laughing, even aunt. I gave my opinion that there was nothing to be upset about, and mom then got angry at ME because she was so distraught at seeing her sister mistreated and I wasn’t being supportive of my mom in her state of being distraught. 
 

So….I’m saying mom is good at making people think what she wants them to think. I have lived with her my whole life and I am just now figuring this out at this late point in life. 
 

So, yeah, triangulation is powerful and damaging. You have to be very careful about blindly believing stories from toxic people. And it’s the right thing to do ….learning to not let it get to you when you are being talked about to other family members, but it’s really hard. 
 

And yes, the person that is now her go to for info dump is the same cousin that mom lividly trashed to me about the trampoline. 
 

But one more important point….

Had I not seen the video myself, I could have potentially been convinced that they were being reckless with an elderly person, and this wasn’t true at all. 

[katilac]

What purpose would be served by calling him?

He can't nope out of working in bad weather, right? 

If he's injured, someone will call you. Calling him isn't going to prevent an injury. 

There's no right or wrong here. Some spouses do call to check in, some don't. 

Reasonable people can have differing thoughts on many things. It doesn't matter if someone else would make a different decision. 

If it was severe weather, you really missed your chance to just make static noises and hang up 😄 but you actually don't need any excuse to get off the phone. When you start to feel guilty or cornered, tell her you have to go. And then go. People who don't stop talking when I say I have to go will get hung up on. 

 

 

[katilac]

1 minute ago, Indigo Blue said:

 Then mom said she’d show me the video they sent. She said to me I want to know what you think about this. 

I watched it, and all I could see was a beautiful moment.  
 

Had I not seen the video myself, I could have potentially been convinced that they were being reckless with an elderly person, and this wasn’t true at all. 

Stop playing her games. 

[Kassia]

43 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

 

So, I know full well if anyone is hearing things about me, my mom is putting her spin on it. I can say… so just don’t care about that. But gosh, these are people with whom I could potentially have a good relationship with if they weren’t so enmeshed with my mom. They only hear her side, which is very convincing. So I can work on not caring, but it’s hard and it’s hurtful in reality. 

Yes, it is hard and hurtful, but there's really nothing you can do about it so you have to find a way to not let it upset you and eat you up inside.  My MIL does this with us and she has turned some family members against us for no reason at all.  And she backstabs people to us as well, but I either defend the person and confront her if I can prove she's lying or just ignore her and try to pass the bean dip.  

ETA - and she's going to do this no matter what, so don't change your behavior based on this fear/anxiety.  Big hugs to you.  I hate that she's taking up so much space in your mind.  

Edited January 10 by Kassia

[bolt.]

You might be right about your mother's ability to tell convincing stories that emphasize her own point of view (and drag others down), and, if so, there's not much you can do about that. You may have to just recognize that folks who are under your mom's sway (for now) might not be great candidates for having good relationship with you (for now).

However, it's also good to realize that everyone who your mom is in a relationship with... is a person who is in a relationship with your mom. I could be wrong, but she doesn't sound that reasonable or respectful. She sounds prickly and hard to get along with. I'm really not sure that most of the people she relates to are going to be believing her stories or taking her seriously.

Sure, maybe this one cousin is occupying this willing-listener / believer role for now. But that's just *one* cousin. Lots of other people probably know her well enough to see right through her (and/or begin avoiding her). I doubt she has sway over a large quantity of people, and I bet people move in and out of her listener-role on a fairly regular basis as they get wise to her ways. My guess is that there are many more people 'with you' (who know she lies, exaggerates and gossips degradingly on a regular basis) than there are people who are 'against you' (fully willing to believe bad stories that she may choose to tell about you).

[wintermom]

My dh has a wonderful way of dealing with situations where others have suggestions about what he should do, he simply says, "That's a good idea." Then moves on. It doesn't mean he is going to do it. He makes no more statements. Just acknowledges the other's suggestion. Just because a family member, friend or acquaintence makes a suggestion does not mean you have to do it, and for some people they just want their idea validated. Whether their suggestion is actually followed is none of their business in most cases. And truly, they'll likely forget about the entire conversation very quickly.