Does this seem sketchy to you?

[KidsHappen]

Removed for privacy. Thanks for all the input.

Edited November 9, 2023 by KidsHappen

[scholastica]

If they ask why, he should tell them what you’ve laid out here. Or he could just say she wasn’t the right fit for him.

[fairfarmhand]

That is odd and if anyone asks you can just say it was a poor fit. People swap counselors all the time for this reason.

[Rosie_0801]

She's so far out of line she'd need binoculars to even see the line.

[TechWife]

I wonder if she has the training needed to treat PTSD. It’s fine to ask for another counselor, it happens all the time. He can say she isn’t a good fit. If pressed, he can say she isn’t addressing his primary concern and is trying to address things in his life that aren’t problematic. 

[Lecka]

That is bizarre.  That is not normal.  
 

Maybe try a vet center.  

[Lecka]

It just depends, but my husband was much better off with the counselor at the Vet Center, but even there he did not stay with the first counselor he was assigned to.  He ended up with someone really good.  But it was kind-of the counselor’s choice to refer him to another person.

 

A previous person told him that it’s common for people in the military to think they are supposed to be treated badly and not speak up.  His point was to say — if you don’t have a counselor that is working out, you need to request a different counselor.  

Edited November 9, 2023 by Lecka

[Indigo Blue]

12 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

She's so far out of line she'd need binoculars to even see the line.

100 percent.

[Indigo Blue]

She is a threat to your well being. 
 

If I were in your shoes, that kind of treatment would devastate me, considering how many people have made negative comments about my being a SAHM for so many years. Given that history, that would just be so deflating. That counselor has the potential to do great harm. Find another one. 
 

That is out of line, crazy, unethical, and very bizarre. 

[Lecka]

Maybe he can try a support group.  
 

There are different kinds of support groups, here the VA has them and so does the Vet Center.  There are multiple VAs within driving distance here, too.  
 

Some of the support groups have a facilitator but are pretty open.  Some are therapeutic support groups that are run by a counselor who is more directive and is coordinating with individual counseling, my husband went to one like that through the Vet Center that was the best for him.  

[Faith-manor]

19 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

She's so far out of line she'd need binoculars to even see the line.

Once again, Rosie nailed it!

[Lecka]

I’m going to add, usually they are overjoyed somebody has got a support system!!!!!!!!!  
 

You are a big part of his support system!!!!!!!

[Lecka]

I’m 50/50 on whether I think you should file a complaint.  I think it’s worth considering.  It sounds so unprofessional, I think it’s to that point, maybe.  But if your husband doesn’t want to I would not worry about that.  

[Lecka]

https://www.vetcenter.va.gov
 

Just a website for vet centers.  
 

There are some things where they just work for some people and not others.  It’s one of those things, there could be a bad counselor here, too, for sure.  But it could be an option.  
 

I

[popmom]

Oh, my. That is completely out of line! Agree with Rosie!!

[EKS]

Yikes!  What Rosie said.

[SKL]

I agree that she's out of line.

I think just telling them she isn't a good fit should suffice.  If they insist on something more substantive, how about the fact that she has been focusing on everything except the one thing he wants to address?

[Clarita]

I don't think it's sketchy but just what Rosie said totally out of line.

[KidsHappen]

She works at one of the vet centers. There are others nearby so he can go to a different center if need be.

[KidsHappen]

Ok, now that there is some consensus that this is weird does anyone want to conjecture on what exactly is going on?

[Ditto]

I have had plenty of therapy in my life, including for PTSD.  She is way out of line and very inappropriate.   She is a threat and he needs to run far away and do so immediately.   I'm glad he recognizes that this is odd and is being proactive in getting a new therapist.   It stinks he has to go through finding a new therapist, but it is definitely for the best.   

[Ditto]

Just now, KidsHappen said:

Ok, now that there is some consensus that this is weird does anyone want to conjecture on what exactly is going on?

She wanted to be a SAHM and wasn't able to?  She wishes she had a supportive loving husband like yours and is jealous?  She isn't fond of women?  She has a crush on your husband?  She is bat-shit crazy?  

[SKL]

As for the question of what might be going on ....  Take it for what it's worth, as I'm neither a psychologist nor have I ever received therapy.  But I feel like she may have wanted to provoke your husband to see how he would react.  Either that or she just plain doesn't know what she's doing.

[Ginevra]

Maybe she’s doing that “when you’re a hammer, everything’s a nail” thing and just finished a study unit on troubled single-earner partnerships. So she’s like, “Aha! Just like the textbook said!” 

[Rosie_0801]

If nothing else, she's lazy.

[sweet2ndchance]

Another vote for run, she's trouble with a capital T.

I also have PTSD and once had a therapist that tried to address everything but the PTSD. She tried to say I didn't have PTSD, that I was bipolar. She said many hurtful and crazy things. I always felt attacked and like I couldn't let my guard down around her. She set me so far back in treatment for the PTSD that I do have (I am most definitely not bipolar) that it literally took me years to get to a point where I felt like maybe I could trust a different therapist.

All I can say is if a therapist is raising red flags in your head, don't hesitate to find someone else. The damage they can do in even a short amount of time is all the reason you need to find someone else. The reason I gave for seeking another therapist when I did finally go back is that I didn't feel safe enough to open up to the bad therapist. No one batted an eyelash at my reason.

[EKS]

49 minutes ago, KidsHappen said:

Ok, now that there is some consensus that this is weird does anyone want to conjecture on what exactly is going on?

She has a thing against stay at home moms. 

[gardenmom5]

very sketchy, or could just an idiot who doesn't know squat about PTSD.  (there are a lot out there who don't.   even in the VA, especially if she's younger.)

when asked why he wants a different counselor - either say what you said here, or simply "She wasn't a good fit."  

I had a lot of success with EMDR for the cptsd from my childhood.  

 

Edited November 9, 2023 by gardenmom5

[Harriet Vane]

Terrible therapist. Utterly inappropriate. Creating problems where the client has said he is satisfied and ignoring the actual problem the client came to deal with. 

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, KidsHappen said:

Ok, now that there is some consensus that this is weird does anyone want to conjecture on what exactly is going on?

how old is she?   does she have a crush on the husband and wants to drive a wedge in his marriage?

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

She's so far out of line she'd need binoculars to even see the line.

 

1 hour ago, KidsHappen said:

She works at one of the vet centers. There are others nearby so he can go to a different center if need be.

It would probably be better to go to a different one.  If she's that unprofessional, I'd be concerned she'd be saying stuff to other providers that could color their own assessments.  

 

Edited November 9, 2023 by gardenmom5

[Katy]

He needs to file a complaint. It's completely unprofessional. Is she still getting her license?

[ScoutTN]

Yes, way beyond sketchy. Ditch her asap and find someone who actually knows what they are doing. 

[ScoutTN]

6 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

 

It would probably be better to go to a different one.  If she's that unprofessional, I'd be concerned she'd be saying stuff to other providers that could color their own assessments.  

 

Reminds  me of the giant emoji day…

[AmandaVT]

A therapist specializing in EMDR may be more helpful for this situation. 

[KidsHappen]

5 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

how old is she?   does she have a crush on the husband and wants to drive a wedge in his marriage?

She is my age and this is kind of the feeling my hubby and I are getting. Although she also made a remark about being a feminist and how they (again my age) didn't do all that work so women could continue traditional gender roles and take advantage of men. Basically that I should be out there earning my keep. All of this without the knowledge that at some points in our marriage I was the breadwinner and my hubby was the homemaker, or that for well over a decade my hubby traveled five days a week and I was basically a well subsidized single parent, Or the years I spent pregnant, birthing, breastfeeding and schooling my children, or being there for my children and grandchildren, or caring for my hubby when he was ill, or how severe my disabilities are or the practicalities of me going back to work. None of which my hubby felt the need to explain to her because it was not her business and did not apply to his issues.  

[Anne]

2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

She's so far out of line she'd need binoculars to even see the line.

This.

[KidsHappen]

14 minutes ago, Katy said:

He needs to file a complaint. It's completely unprofessional. Is she still getting her license?

No she is actually older and has worked with veterans for quite awhile. She does seem to have a bit of bias because she has worked with many men who have come back from overseas to discover that their wives have cheated on them, or left or divorced them, or moved away with their children. She also seems to view military wives as the stereotypical welfare queen (not my opinion) who sits at home all day doing nothing while expecting their husbands to buy them jewelry, phones, purses, new tech and expensive cars. I don't know how much she thinks military people make but she is obviously overestimating. She also seems to have no idea how hard it is for a military spouse to maintain a career while moving every six months to three years. I am a military brat and both of my husbands were in the military so I am quite familiar with the military way of life.  

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, scholastica said:

If they ask why, he should tell them what you’ve laid out here. Or he could just say she wasn’t the right fit for him.

Yes, I would keep it short, though, limiting it to his desire for PTSD and not marriage counseling, with assurances his marriage is fine. 

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

She's so far out of line she'd need binoculars to even see the line.

Echo! Echo!

1 hour ago, KidsHappen said:

She works at one of the vet centers. There are others nearby so he can go to a different center if need be.

Definitely go to a different place where she can’t influence the opinion of her own office mates. 

1 hour ago, KidsHappen said:

Ok, now that there is some consensus that this is weird does anyone want to conjecture on what exactly is going on?

Aside from what’s been suggested above, I’d add the possibility that she’s somehow skewing things to code different diagnoses for billing purposes. I’m not sure if that would apply wrt the VA, just a thought. 

We are not military but frequent corporate relocations definitely had an effect on my ability to pursue a career. Any reasonable counselor should understand that as part of the dynamic of military families. No matter the reason she’s acting this way, a change is in order. 
 

A friend of mine counsels veterans with PTSD and finds EMDR to be a good treatment option for many of his patients. Someone mentioned it upthread so you may want to investigate it further. 

[Heartstrings]

2 hours ago, Lecka said:

I’m 50/50 on whether I think you should file a complaint.  I think it’s worth considering.  It sounds so unprofessional, I think it’s to that point, maybe.  But if your husband doesn’t want to I would not worry about that.  

I think a complaint should be filed.  She has a strong personal bias against stay-at-home moms/wives that she can't get past and can't keep out of her work, and she is causing problems where none exist instead of treating the problem.  This lady honestly shouldn't be a counselor at all, at a minimum she needs to go to therapy of her own.  People have value outside of working for pay and this lady can't seem to see that.  

[Heartstrings]

25 minutes ago, KidsHappen said:

No she is actually older and has worked with veterans for quite awhile. She does seem to have a bit of bias because she has worked with many men who have come back from overseas to discover that their wives have cheated on them, or left or divorced them, or moved away with their children. She also seems to view military wives as the stereotypical welfare queen (not my opinion) who sits at home all day doing nothing while expecting their husbands to buy them jewelry, phones, purses, new tech and expensive cars. I don't know how much she thinks military people make but she is obviously overestimating. She also seems to have no idea how hard it is for a military spouse to maintain a career while moving every six months to three years. I am a military brat and both of my husbands were in the military so I am quite familiar with the military way of life.  

So she has 0 experience with the military or military life and is counseling vets?  That doesn't sound great.  

[Lecka]

I don’t know what your insurance situation is, and I think it’s worth it to keep trying at various places, but it might be worth looking for referrals for something that would cost money.  It might be short-term to be weekly and then be every two weeks or something, or just not a long-term thing necessarily.  It might ultimately not cost that much.  
 

My husband’s former therapist has moved to private practice now.

 

Edit:  you can search on Psychology Today also.  
 

 

Edited November 9, 2023 by Lecka

[fraidycat]

She needs a new job because she is really not qualified to do the one she has, no matter what her degree says.

I would seriously consider reporting her to her superiors at the VA and to her licensing body. She should not be working with emotionally vulnerable people, creating more problems vs. helping with the problem they sought help for.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, KidsHappen said:

She is my age and this is kind of the feeling my hubby and I are getting. Although she also made a remark about being a feminist and how they (again my age) didn't do all that work so women could continue traditional gender roles and take advantage of men. Basically that I should be out there earning my keep.  

report her.  No, if's and's or but's.  Instead of treating her patient, she is attacking her patient's wife to her patient (seeking to undermine their relationship). . . . something that has zero to do with why her patient sought out her services.
 

39 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Echo! Echo!

Definitely go to a different place where she can’t influence the opinion of her own office mates. 

Aside from what’s been suggested above, I’d add the possibility that she’s somehow skewing things to code different diagnoses for billing purposes. I’m not sure if that would apply wrt the VA, just a thought. 

We are not military but frequent corporate relocations definitely had an effect on my ability to pursue a career. Any reasonable counselor should understand that as part of the dynamic of military families. No matter the reason she’s acting this way, a change is in order. 
 

A friend of mine counsels veterans with PTSD and finds EMDR to be a good treatment option for many of his patients. Someone mentioned it upthread so you may want to investigate it further. 

I was the one that suggested EMDR.  TRE - Trauma release exercises is another one.  They are two of the treatments that have been documented to benefit PTSD.
trauma changes the shape of the brain.  It enlarges the amygdala, which is where emotion is stored.  It is supposed to be processed there so it can be released, but trauma will "clog it up", and it gets stuck.  (and shrinks a different part of the brain).  EMDR and TRE have been documented to release emotion from the amygdala so it can "out process" the way it is supposed to, and allow the brain to start healing from the emotional trauma.

[Carrie12345]

9 hours ago, KidsHappen said:

Ok, now that there is some consensus that this is weird does anyone want to conjecture on what exactly is going on?

She isn’t qualified to treat PTSD?  
Not every licensed provider can be up to date on every single type of treatment, or even agree with or resonate with every known approach. I would like to think that someone working in the VA would be fantastic with PTSD, but I guess that’s too much to expect!

 

 I once had a marriage counselor, during the most difficult time of my marriage, look at me and say, “You get to stay home, homeschool, bills are paid… What more do you want?” I can’t believe I managed to not commit a crime right then and there!

 

[Melanie32]

11 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

She is a threat to your well being. 
 

If I were in your shoes, that kind of treatment would devastate me, considering how many people have made negative comments about my being a SAHM for so many years. Given that history, that would just be so deflating. That counselor has the potential to do great harm. Find another one. 
 

That is out of line, crazy, unethical, and very bizarre. 

Agreed!!

 

I, too, continue to be a homemaker now that my kids are grown and graduated. It’s just what works for our family. I tried working for a year but we all hated it after being used to how smoothly the home runs with one spouse at home. 
 

I would be so upset if I were you! This is another woman trying to plant seeds of discontent in your marriage and to manipulate your chosen lifestyle! That is wrong on so many levels! I would definitely report her!

[Melanie32]

48 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

I once had a marriage counselor, during the most difficult time of my marriage, look at me and say, “You get to stay home, homeschool, bills are paid… What more do you want?” I can’t believe I managed to not commit a crime right then and there!

Oh wow! Obviously coming from someone who had never actually tried staying home and homeschooling! 
 

I honestly can’t believe these people managed to become counselors!!

[cintinative]

OP, agreeing with the others. Her behavior is unprofessional and inappropriate. 

Your dh should feel free to seek another counselor without another thought. 

[Lecka]

For what is going on — my guess is she has got her own issues and is projecting them onto you.

I think my husband would have shut down her comments, but he has had people say stuff along these lines before.  It makes me think your husband is not used to people being rude this way.  Well — there are people who act this way and like to bait people or whatever, they seem to be mostly bitter people.