If your teen had professional driving lessons?

[teachermom2834]

Did you ride along? My initial reaction to this would be no way. I’m not trying to helicopter, I’m going to make my kid more nervous and I am paying this person for a reason. I’m willing to let go and let the professional handle it.

But now here I am with the only available lesson in the next month with a male instructor for my 15 yo dd. While I am not normally paranoid and am usually the one telling the other moms that the girls will be fine and not abducted if they are unsupervised for brief periods of time and encouraging the other moms to let the kids grow up and spread their wings…when else would I put my young teen in a car with an unknown adult male for two hours? 
 

Parents are allowed to ride along and commonly do so I think I will and I think my dd wants me to. I figure I can also pick up some tips for how to teach her and help her when we practice on our own. So I’ve pretty much made up my mind. I am just wondering how others have handled this. 

[mom2scouts]

Taking classes with a licensed driving school including 8 hours of in-car instruction is required for teens in my state. I didn't ride along and I've never known anyone who did. I don't even know if they allow it. I just dropped dd off at the driving school each time, she did her two hour lesson, and picked her up at the end. I think we did have a choice of which instructor, but she had a very full schedule, so we took what worked best and she had both male and female in-car instructors.

[teachermom2834]

2 minutes ago, mom2scouts said:

Taking classes with a licensed driving school including 8 hours of in-car instruction is required for teens in my state. I didn't ride along and I've never known anyone who did. I don't even know if they allow it. I just dropped dd off at the driving school each time, she did her two hour lesson, and picked her up at the end. I think we did have a choice of which instructor, but she had a very full schedule, so we took what worked best and she had both male and female in-car instructors.

I am not surprised that parents ride along here and it is allowed. Parents I know are extremely protective. Like we will be out to dinner with other parents and teens and dd will go to the restroom herself and other parents will send their girls with her or follow her because they are concerned I am letting her go alone. So that is a whole other topic but I am sure a driving school that didn’t allow parents along would not survive here. 

[73349]

In my area, virtually all teens take driving lessons with one driving school that has a contract with the school district. The stakes are high for the driving school to ensure that instructors are 100% professional and trustworthy--this is a district with over 150,000 students, so one problem would end the contract, tank multiple careers and destroy the business itself. There are two teens together with the instructor. I'm sure parents are not allowed to ride along, and I don't feel a need (even though I'm super protective).

[Lecka]

I would wait for a female instructor or ride along.  
 

It would not be a big deal to me for me to ride along.  Edit it probably would also be fine with me to wait a month with a 15yo but that comes down to scheduling sometimes it wouldn’t make sense to wait

 

Maybe when she was a little older it would be different.  My older son had his first lesson yesterday and he’s 18, he is a million times more mature than when he was 15.  
 

Edit: my daughter is 14 right now.  

Edited June 13, 2023 by Lecka

[QueenCat]

I wouldn't have the need...

I would only do so if you think you can sit in the back and NOT give any input to the lesson. At all. 

[teachermom2834]

6 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

I wouldn't have the need...

I would only do so if you think you can sit in the back and NOT give any input to the lesson. At all. 

Oh I have zero desire to give any input whatsoever. I can’t tell you how much I want nothing to do with this. Lol. 

Edited June 13, 2023 by teachermom2834

[Lecka]

Here driving lessons are 1:1 and last 2 hours.  You can request a woman or experience with special needs.  
 

We don’t have the situation previous posters have of there being some kind of assurance that instructors have extensive vetting, and there are not two teens in a car.  

[teachermom2834]

4 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Here driving lessons are 1:1 and last 2 hours.  You can request a woman or experience with special needs.  
 

We don’t have the situation previous posters have of there being some kind of assurance that instructors have extensive vetting, and there are not two teens in a car.  

This is the situation. When I was a kid there were groups of kids together. This is 1:1 kid:instructor. No other kid allowed but a parent is. 
 

(Also, for the record I do realize a female instructor could also behave inappropriately. It’s just a gut feel comfort level thing that isn’t necessarily rational. Anything is possible of course it is just a gut feel comfort level.)

[I talk to the trees]

Dd(22) took driving lessons from the same instructor I did <mumbles number> years ago. Even back then, he always did group practice. One student drove while two observed. I didn’t think about it when I was a teen, but was glad for that policy when dd was taking lessons. 

[Jaybee]

Four of our children (3 daughters, 1 son) had the same woman teach them. She was highly recommended the first time, and after that, we just knew she was great. Therefore, it didn't even cross my mind to ride along. I would probably have been uncomfortable if the instructor was a male--not sure how I would have handled that. We didn't know about the instructors for the oldest, and he did an online class and a log. The last one, we were in a different location, and he had a male through the tech school. I don't know if parents ever rode along. He was a little older, and I wasn't as concerned as I would have been with my younger girls.

[Katy]

I wouldn’t go with, but if she wanted to wait for a female I’d agree. My general thought is that if she’s ready to drive, she’s ready to start interacting with the world like an adult. She will have to speak to men sometimes if she leaves the house alone. 

[mommyoffive]

I would ride along or wait for a woman.  But I also took drivers ed with a man who sexually harassed/violated the girls even with more than one student in the car.

[teachermom2834]

Just now, Katy said:

I wouldn’t go with, but if she wanted to wait for a female I’d agree. My general thought is that if she’s ready to drive, she’s ready to start interacting with the world like an adult. She will have to speak to men sometimes if she leaves the house alone. 

Well yes she speaks to men all the time. Even alone. But there is something more vulnerable about being in a car alone with an unknown one for two hours when you are a young teen and they are an adult - and they know how to drive and have the controls and you do not, no? I’m a grown woman and I wouldn’t particularly crave that experience. 
 

I think it is fine to make the choice to let her go it alone but I wouldn’t boil it down to as simple as being afraid to speak to a man. I think it is a little more involved than that. 

[Lecka]

I am going to be taking a lot more of a role in my two younger kids starting at 15 1/2 after my current 18yo is just starting lessons and just getting his learner permit.

 

He is not going to get nearly the practice time which I am now seeing, I think would be better for him to have had.

 

Its a different situation for sure between him and what my younger kids will be.

 

But I’m just not going to do the “we’ll wait for you to show ownership of this process,” and instead do the “important life skill” route.  
 

Or that is my plan.  
 

I don’t want to wait until 18 again.  
 

But I think it will be easy to stay at the learner permit level with my younger kids, if we don’t think they should get their license yet, and keep up practicing.  
 

I’m already talking to them about this (they are 14 1/2 twins).

 

They basically think I’m going overboard now because of big brother taking too long, but they seem okay with it.  
 

I’m telling them “you will go to driving school, you will start practicing” types of things.  
 

 

Edited June 13, 2023 by Lecka

[Lecka]

I also have found with my 18yo, since he didn’t do it when he was 15 1/2 or 16, it just lost all sense of “hey do it now, here’s the time to do it.”  Once he was waiting he felt like “what changed for me to want to drive now, compared to 6 months ago.”

Well, now he’s moving out in July!  He’s still in town and moving in with grandparents, so it’s okay, but — here it is still a time-consuming process to go from being read, to actually getting into a class, getting an appointment to take the written test, etc.  So should he have planned ahead a lot more?  Yes.  Yes, he should have.  But did he?   No, he did not.  
 

I am also very leery of giving any messages of “maybe you’re not ready yet” to my younger kids.

 

Because they are not seeming eager, but they seem like they will do it.  
 

Edit:  but if they seem “not ready”  we can delay their license and keep practicing with the learner permit.  

Edited June 13, 2023 by Lecka

[Miss Tick]

Could you have her share her location with you on her phone? I mean if your concern is that they will stop somewhere and he will behave inappropriately? Verbal harassment could happen while in motion, but seems less likely to be a concern. I never went along (I'm not sure that is a thing in my area), but I did ask how it went and what kind of things they did when dd returned.

[Lecka]

I have also seen at the driving school, I am totally dropping my 17yo (now 18yo) outside, and seeing everyone else go in with a parent.  
 

I saw that at the classroom sessions and I saw it at his first practice drive.  
 

So I do feel like — hey, he’s 17/18, he IS more mature than these other kids…. But those kids are going to have more experience than he is going to have.  
 

 

[Lecka]

My concern would be flirting.  
 

No thanks.  
 

I’m not going to pay a lot of money and then wonder if there is flirting going on.  
 

Half of my concern would be if my daughter thought the guy was sexy and was nervous around him.  She is like that right now, we have an adult male friend and she is obviously nervous around him.  But like — because he’s really attractive.  (Edit:  is our friend doing anything wrong?  No, not at all.  Not in the slightest.)
 

I just don’t think that’s a reason to delay her driving practice.  
 

The way ours is set up you don’t know what driver you will get and can’t request a specific driver, so it’s not like I know she won’t have a really attractive instructor.  

I also don’t think there’s any assurance of not having “other” things arise.  I don’t think it’s likely, but I don’t think it’s impossible either.  Why not just rule it out if I have a concern, is my feeling.  

Edited June 13, 2023 by Lecka

[kirstenhill]

Parents don't ride along here.  I'm not sure if it is explicitly "not allowed" but it was never mentioned as a possibility and I don't know anyone who has done it. 

Professional instructor hours are required in our state, and there are a few options in our small city.  We went with different companies for DD and DS16, just for scheduling reasons for the classroom portion. Both of these companies happened to have only one main behind the wheel instructor (also the company owner), both older guys.   I've heard that locally almost all the driving instructors are guys. So doing it with a female instructor was probably not going to be a possibility with DD.   

Before we signed up I read reviews and saw what people said in local Facebook groups. Both companies had many satisfied customers, and I think people would have been complaining if there were any inappropriateness issues (especially in the local Facebook groups, where people complain about everything!).

[teachermom2834]

Okay it hadn’t occurred to me that she would have a young hot instructor. I was picturing an old creepy guy. So I hadn’t worried about my dd doing the flirting. She’s not above it by any means just so far she saves it for other teens. But if they have young attractive instructors then I could use some refreshers on parallel parking I guess…lol…I just envision an old chubby balding guy with a clipboard. For absolutely no reason. 
 

I had also thought that I would have heard if the instructors were creepy. I swear people complain about everything and are awfully quick to call any awkward look or move by a guy around a teen as creepy. So I do think I would have heard. Tons of kids use this school and it comes highly recommended.

I could really go either way. I’d feel weird sending dd off with a guy but she is pretty assertive and I would let her if that was what she wanted. But I think she does want me to go along and lots of parents do so it isn’t socially strange for me to do that. So I expect to go with what she wants on this. But it is kind of an odd set up. 

[Miss Tick]

5 minutes ago, kirstenhill said:

Before we signed up I read reviews and saw what people said in local Facebook groups. Both companies had many satisfied customers, and I think people would have been complaining if there were any inappropriateness issues (especially in the local Facebook groups, where people complain about everything!).

OMG, you just reminded me of a funny story. DD looked up the driving school she was learning with (older guy owner/operator). There were a number of 5 star reviews and then a 1 star review that looked like it was written by the owner himself. The owner replied really fired up about how this is clearly a fake review and Google should check the IP address, why would he leave himself a bad review? this review is SLANDER by the competition, this SPAM should be deleted and it ends with the now classic (in our house) line "Nice try Kyle!!"

[Shelydon]

I would not let my kid go 1:1. When I was in driving school, there was always at least one other student there. If one-on-one was the only thing possible then I would ride along

[Katy]

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

Well yes she speaks to men all the time. Even alone. But there is something more vulnerable about being in a car alone with an unknown one for two hours when you are a young teen and they are an adult - and they know how to drive and have the controls and you do not, no? I’m a grown woman and I wouldn’t particularly crave that experience. 
 

I think it is fine to make the choice to let her go it alone but I wouldn’t boil it down to as simple as being afraid to speak to a man. I think it is a little more involved than that. 

Of course, hence the let her wait for a female instructor if she prefers. 

[Starr]

I would be inclined to go and see if I could learn some teaching tips for when I was alone with her. 

[Clemsondana]

My girl will take driving lessons at the same place that my boy did.  The instructors are a mix of male and female - I think in 5 sessions he had 4 different instructors.  I wouldn't think twice about sending my girl alone.  I'm thinking that they will be in a car being driven by somebody who can't drive very well.  The instructors spend most of their time trying to keep the kid calm as they take novice drivers on busy streets (or, alternately, trying to rein in overly confident drivers).  I'd expect that they'd be afraid to do anything that might rattle their inexperienced driver - if nothing else, they don't want to cause an accident.  They meet with the parent after each session, so I talked to all of them.  They ranged from 20s to 60s.  The only complaint I've ever heard is that some of the girls are intimidated by some of the older guys, who can be a bit gruff.  But, the kids seem to learn to drive safely, so I'm OK with gruff.  🙂  

[catz]

These are required in our state for under 18s and no I never went.  Everywhere here that employs to work with minors will do a background check.  I didn’t think twice about it.  Every teen I know does them and never heard of a parent riding along.  Some of them were tag team format.  Some were pick up and drop off for an hour or 2.  

Edited June 13, 2023 by catz

[marbel]

It never occurred to me to be worried about either of my kids alone with a professional driving instructor employed by a driving school. Neither of my kids would have allowed me to tag along unless it was required by the driving school. 

[prairiewindmomma]

No ride along here, but there are discreet cameras in the car and it’s a very professional business certified through our state to give the driving test exam. The driving cars are GPS monitored and stay on busy streets…we are in a metro. (Oldest scouted the situation for me during his lessons so I had the details to assure younger siblings.)

Honestly, though, if something went down my teens are the kind to pull over, potentially mace them while screaming at them 🤷‍♀️, and wait outside the car while they called the police. They aren’t “freezers” in crisis. 
 

 

[OH_Homeschooler]

Heck no! My son had driver's ed through school (classroom and behind the wheel) and I also signed him up for 6 hours of in-car instruction through a driving instruction school, because I hate hate hate teaching kids to drive. So getting to sit back and do something I enjoy while he's learning how to drive was the whole point. I still take him out for driving practice (easier now that he's had all the other instruction) but I'm all for getting help where I can. 

I do understand worrying about anything inappropriate happening. Background checks do not catch people with no prior convictions. But usually the instructors would not go out with only one student at a time. 

[Terabith]

My kids both had male instructors.  Almost all of the time there was another student in the car, but with my youngest, there were times that as part of her driving, she dropped her partner off before she drove to our house.  Honestly, I didn't really worry about it.  They're pretty heavily background checked, and it's the kind of thing where even slightly questionable behavior would be likely to become public quickly.  

[Lecka]

The school here is not inspiring confidence in me.  There’s a huge ad on the website, and on the door, they are always looking for instructors.  It doesn’t seem like they have their experienced people who have been there years, it seems like they are always getting new people in.

 

And it’s 1:1 for 2 hours.

 

It just is not coming across like — oh, nothing to even feel a question about.

 

There are scenarios other people have that I would have no concern about, but they are not available options here.  
 

I don’t think my level of concern ought to be shared, though.  It’s based on the kids I have.  One of my kids has special needs too, and I want him to go when he’s 15 1/2 too so he can have more time for special needs lessons (which here, he has to go through driving school first).  That’s part of why I want them to go too, and then my daughter will go at the same time, it just makes more sense.  (They are twins.)

 

It’s not at all I think it is something where other people should have a concern that I have.  

Edited June 13, 2023 by Lecka

[Lecka]

I happened to just have an email about purchasing extra drives…. $150 for 2 hours.  Our package comes with 3 drives (6 hours).  That is just what is offered here. 
 

It’s part of it for me, I don’t want to waste time.

 

I was also definitely nervous or something around really attractive men when I was this age?

 

It’s a lot of coaches making money in the summer here, and my younger kids would go in summer because of their birthday.  
 

In the school year I do think it’s a lot more retirees.  

[Loowit]

I did not ride along, and I am not sure it would have been allowed.  There were three instructors at the school and only one was a male.  We never knew which of them they would get the day of their drive.  There were never any problems.  I could track them via google maps if I wanted to.  The instructors are also the ones who do the driving tests and they definitely would not allow parents to ride along for those.

If my kid was nervous enough that they weren't comfortable being alone in a car with a male instructor because they gave off "creepy" vibes, then I would likely just find another school, because I wouldn't want them there anyway.

[strawberries]

I did not and would not ride along because my kids pick up on my anxiety and it's unhelpful. However, I do prefer for DD to have a female instructor if the lessons are 1:1. I actually need to get moving and sign her up this summer, ugh.  

DS had his driving lessons through the high school. There was always another student in the car along with him. The instructor was a male teacher that taught other subjects at the school. If DD were able to have her lessons under the same circumstances I wouldn't worry, both because the instructor was someone our family already knew and because there was another student present. However, that teacher left this year and our school no longer has a driver's ed instructor. Our options are using a different high school or a driving school. The other high school has their instructor listed as "TBD" and I have doubts as to whether those classes will even happen. The driving school is 1:1 but specifically offers the choice between male or female instructors.

[teachermom2834]

Additional musings- the male teacher my dd has her first lesson scheduled with has been at the school for a while, I believe, while the female instructor is new. While I don’t know if she has prior experience, I do know she was brought on to address this issue. So possibly my choices are experienced male instructor vs. newish female. I’ve taught three kids to drive and am not impressed with my own experience so I would actually like the most experienced instructor. 🙂

Also, in a culture where people are very protective and skeptical of everyone, I suspect if this instructor had been creepy at all it would have been all over social media and all the kids and parents would be talking. 
 

There is a second driving school in town but this is the big name and has been around for 50 years. There aren’t a whole bunch to choose from and the other choice is one I don’t think I even know of anyone that has gone to. Small metro areas just don’t have all the choices but rumors sure do get around. 
 

I do think I will go along because that is pretty common and seems to be dd’s preference now. But I could still change my mind if it is inconvenient. I don’t feel super strongly about it. Just curious how others have gone about it. Almost surprised that these instructors take on the liability of being alone with students. Seems most settings put protocols in place to prevent that situation. 
 

Have not yet met the specific instructor in question. He is not the same one that did the classroom instruction. So my dd doesn’t have any opinion positive or negative about him and won’t even have met him before getting in the car. So it isn’t anything specific about this man (creep or hottie!) but I do feel really confident that if he was attractive the kids would totally have been talking. So the fact that we haven’t heard about this guy is probably a fairly safe bet that he isn’t a creep and a guarantee that he isn’t a hottie. 😂

[SKL]

No, I've never heard of anyone riding along.  It would not have occurred to me as an option.  And even if it did, I'd say no thanks.  🙂

That said, my kids have described some really unpleasant interactions with their paid driving instructors (most of whom happened to be male and old).  To the point where my youngest really couldn't perform with some of them.  Considering that, maybe the instructors would have been nicer had I been in the back seat.  However, nobody died from the 8-10 hours of paid criticism, so I think it was worth me having those hours to pursue my own goals.

ETA when I say unpleasant interactions, I'm talking about crabbiness, not touching or anything like that.

Edited June 13, 2023 by SKL

[rebcoola]

Nope Ive never heard of riding along or even choosing the specific instructor.  We chose the time and location they have several in town we would know who she was driving with until she got there and checked in. It was 1 on 1

 

[Lecka]

Our driving school is the only one in town, or the neighboring town.  
 

They market that they have a lot of female and special needs teachers.

 

I felt like they kind-of encouraged the female instructor thing at the parent meeting, it probably does save them a lot of heartache if there are instructors who don’t want to have suspicions.  But I also think it is a field with more male is instructors.  I think male teachers can be more likely to work in the summers and that is who a lot of their instructors are in the summer.  
 

My daughter shocked me today but showing poise and maturity while we were out socially…… if this keeps up I will not have concerns about her!  Ha ha.  I would still choose female if it is not going to be too inconvenient.   
 

I also find myself not having any concerns about the test because it’s so much shorter, and my daughter would also be so much more experienced by then.  And it costs $40.  And I’m pretty sure there are some free re-takes.  It’s not $150!!!!!!

 

I also realized…. My daughter is more mature over the past 6 months, she will only get more mature in the next year.

 

But I am overall on the side of “why not choose a female instructor” and it’s my preference.  

 

 

[luuknam]

9 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

I am not surprised that parents ride along here and it is allowed. Parents I know are extremely protective. Like we will be out to dinner with other parents and teens and dd will go to the restroom herself and other parents will send their girls with her or follow her because they are concerned I am letting her go alone. So that is a whole other topic but I am sure a driving school that didn’t allow parents along would not survive here. 

That sounds crazy, tbh. I also wouldn't call a 15yo a young teen, just a teen. 

If it's common around there for parents to be in the backseat and your daughter wants it, I don't see a big problem with riding along at least the first time, but it seems odd to me... kids that age should be working hard on independence, since the moment they turn 18 they're legally adults and might do whatever and go wherever and it'd be good if they had experience doing things without mom or dad being there. Now, if I had a bad vibe about the instructor and I really didn't have an option to use a different instructor, then that'd be different. 

FWIW, when I was 14, once a month I'd bicycle to the train station and take a train to another city, walk to where I needed to go, work on a magazine with others, and then take the 11-something pm train back and then bicycle home (getting home after midnight). I did a year as an exchange student living with a host family in rural Thailand right after graduating high school, when I was 17. I did truck driving school with a male instructor and 5 male classmates when I was 23, and after graduating that the company I was with put me in a truck with a male trainer from some African country who's English sucked and who thought women belonged at home. That didn't work out so I got a new trainer after a week or so, and spent a month with a different male trainer (both were OTR, so, sleeping in the same truck, etc (bunk beds)). I also in various places I've lived have had a bad habit of going for a walk around the block late at night. Nothing bad ever happened to me. I'm almost 5'4", so not big, but I do have enough of a "don't mess with me" vibe that probably helps, though most guys wouldn't want to put their job and freedom at risk over a stupid move on a 15yo (or any age). 

Anyway, long story short, if I had a bad vibe or my kid really begged me to ride along I probably would, but in the latter case I'd encourage my kid to try the second lesson without me (again, assuming neither my kid nor I had a bad vibe about the instructor). I need to enroll my 15yo in driving school the moment we get our driver's licenses here (can't get him a learner's permit until we are residents, lol), and the thought of riding along hadn't even crossed my mind (and I don't think it would've had he been a girl). 

[gardenmom5]

Is he part of a licensed driving school? or private, and he's self-employed? (is his business licensed? bonded and insured?  how long has he been in business?)  are other kids in the car, or just her?

Have you met him and that's why you're uncomfortable? (if so, I'd find another instructor) or you haven't met him and you are just being generically uncomfortable? - I'd want more information to decide.  If it's allowed to ride along, and it would make you feel better, do it.  If your daughter complains, remind her you're just being a mom and this will help you calm down.

My kids all had driving schools, it's required to get a license before 18.  I never gave a second thought to my daughters going off to their driving school classes, but they weren't alone in the car with the instructor, there were always other students.  A parent attempting to ride along would have been very frowned upon.