Things people say that rub you wrong?

[Kassia]

38 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

As if, we just can't wait to fulfill all your little desires. It feels condescending to me.

That's exactly how I feel! 

[ScoutTN]

6 hours ago, JessieC said:

I also really dislike being called "mom" by pediatricians and the like. Would it be so hard to look down at the chart and learn my name? It makes me feel like this interchangeable "mom" figure and not a person.

Yes, this. Experienced it agin at urgent care with Ds a couple weeks ago. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I hate it when shop people hum, or sing, or whistle.  I leave.  I can’t imagine why they would think that something so invasive and self-indulgent and annoying would not drive people away from their stores.

[Ann.without.an.e]

4 hours ago, lynn said:

The second that comes to mind is people adding " and.....go" when they ask for suggestion online, not in person.  "What's your favorite running shoes?  and.....go.  

I don’t care for this either for some reason. It does kind of feel like we’re all just waiting to give them what they need. 

[Forget-Me-Not]

6 hours ago, Quill said:

This is a more generalized thing that really annoys me lately: the You-Are-Enough/Breathe, Mommy/Precious-Moments type memes. It’s so pompous. Child starting college? “Breathe, Mommy.” Struggling to cross off the whole to-do list and can’t remember when you last showered? “You are enough.” It’s so saccarine. 
 

Ugh. Yes. Or the people who make Insta posts congratulating themselves on their superior parenting. They’re put on backgrounds and made into ready-to-share memes. 
 

Also the fact that I can’t convince Insta’s algorithm that I don’t want to see these posts.
 

Also I’ve  probably annoyed  someone on this thread by calling it Insta 😂

Edited August 27, 2022 by Forget-Me-Not

[Indigo Blue]

Ummmm….”hangry”

[Ann.without.an.e]

22 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Ummmm….”hangry”

Hey, hangry is a real thing in my house. I have a kiddo that truly truly gets hangry. Just go eat a snickers and get over it  @Indigo Blue

😂😂😂

[Ann.without.an.e]

27 minutes ago, Forget-Me-Not said:

 

Also I’ve  probably annoyed  someone on this thread by calling it Insta 😂

Insta is ok. “The Gram” is 😝

[theelfqueen]

A woman came into the museum today. The woman has a serious and important job. I'd guess she is also younger than I. 

She kept.calling me "girl" ... hey girl could you do x? Thanks girl... etc... 

That rubbed me all sorts.of wrong. 

[heartlikealion]

Thankfully it hasn't happened in a long time but I know that I'm not as fast as some people in the restroom and then to have someone draw attention to it by saying, "I thought you fell in" when you return to the table UGH. 

 

12 hours ago, Forget-Me-Not said:

Ugh, that would bother me too.  So patronizing.  I mean only "milady" might be worse.  Gag.

I hate it when people say, "Have a good rest of your day!".  It seems like all the young retail types say that to me now. Why not, "Have a good afternoon/evening?"  

I hate it when people use "sale" and "gift" as verbs. I'm trying to sale this car.  I'm going to gift this book.  No, it's SELL and GIVE.  

 

Gift can be used as a verb. I personally wouldn't use it in that sentence probably, but it doesn't seem wrong. I do hear "sale" used incorrectly. 

Here pretty much anyone can be called ma'am and once in a while it still throws me off. My lawyer called me ma'am and we're like about the same age??? LOL 

[easypeasy]

12 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Is there something that rubs you wrong too? Please share so I feel less petty lol

 

Something that happens frequently to me and is reallyreally petty, whiny, and weird that I hate it - but I hate when strangers tell me I'm pretty (or some other variation of that adjective). 🥴 I am told this freakishly often and I haaaaaate it.

It's mostly women, but also men. It's never in a crude, crass way - just in a "I just have to tell you... you are soooo pretty" way, which is such a weird thing to tell a stranger, right? But it keeps happening!! 😖

I just want to sink into the ground when this happens. If I'm with my family or a good friend when this happens, they share a look together because they all know I'm about to bolt and run for the hills so they try to block my exits. 😁

 (I'm not anywhere near that pretty, btw. 😅 I'm pretty sure that my hair just catches people's attention as something really unusual, and instead of commenting on a ginger's hair, they just tell me I'm pretty and figure I will like it, lol)

One of my kids bought me a shirt that says "Tell Me I'm Pretty" as a joke. 🤪 They are now my least favorite child. 😊

A true first-world problem that I'm embarrassed is even a problem to me, but there it is, since there's a nice thread here for me to vent in about it. 🤷‍♀️

I'm sure this happens to most other women and I hope you all love the feeling and appreciate it in the way the compliment is intended, lol!!! I'll just sit over here with my socially awkward self, unable to accept a compliment without feeling 🤢.

 

[Frances]

8 hours ago, Clarita said:

I don't like strangers calling me mama, but I'm starting to think it means something different than mother because it seems hispanic people will call my daughter little mama and obviously she doesn't have kids. I hate being called "hun, sweetie..." I'd probably give my dirtiest look to someone who calls me Queen. 

I also dislike when people describe people as authentic. Hmm... I'm pretty sure that person is truly human. Do you mean they are honest/dishonest, open, communicative, blunt or are we actually suspicious that aliens are living among us like in Men in Black?  

In general in Hispanic culture, I think it is meant as a term of endearment when used with children. My SIL is Hispanic and I frequently hear it used  within his family. And the same for male children, papa or papito.  I think it’s similar to someone in my family using cutie or sweetie or pumpkin or some other affectionate nickname for a child.

I haven’t heard mama used as much, but sometimes my SIL will use it when my husband and I are both with him and he is directing a statement at me. So rather than using my name, he will use mama. Or he might greet me with, and how is mama doing today? He’s not actually calling me his mom. I honestly don’t know whether he would use it or not if I didn’t have a child.

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Ummmm….”hangry”

See, I love hangry because I so relate! Lol

[Guest]

6 hours ago, theelfqueen said:

A woman came into the museum today. The woman has a serious and important job. I'd guess she is also younger than I. 

She kept.calling me "girl" ... hey girl could you do x? Thanks girl... etc... 

That rubbed me all sorts.of wrong. 

I really dislike the formerly-common practice of calling every female person a “girl”. I just had a conversation with my attorney (old school guy) about this, because he said he would use a woman as a “Girl Friday”. That is the stupidest job title in the history of job titles and I told him, “Nobody uses ‘Girl Friday’ anymore.” He could not understand what was bad about it and I said, “Would you like your job title to be ‘Boy Friday’?” He still didn’t really see my point. 

[Pawz4me]

46 minutes ago, Quill said:

See, I love hangry because I so relate! Lol

Yeah. It's an extremely accurate description.

[Tree Frog]

10 hours ago, easypeasy said:

 

Something that happens frequently to me and is reallyreally petty, whiny, and weird that I hate it - but I hate when strangers tell me I'm pretty (or some other variation of that adjective). 🥴 I am told this freakishly often and I haaaaaate it.

It's mostly women, but also men. It's never in a crude, crass way - just in a "I just have to tell you... you are soooo pretty" way, which is such a weird thing to tell a stranger, right? But it keeps happening!! 😖

I just want to sink into the ground when this happens. If I'm with my family or a good friend when this happens, they share a look together because they all know I'm about to bolt and run for the hills so they try to block my exits. 😁

 (I'm not anywhere near that pretty, btw. 😅 I'm pretty sure that my hair just catches people's attention as something really unusual, and instead of commenting on a ginger's hair, they just tell me I'm pretty and figure I will like it, lol)

One of my kids bought me a shirt that says "Tell Me I'm Pretty" as a joke. 🤪 They are now my least favorite child. 😊

A true first-world problem that I'm embarrassed is even a problem to me, but there it is, since there's a nice thread here for me to vent in about it. 🤷‍♀️

I'm sure this happens to most other women and I hope you all love the feeling and appreciate it in the way the compliment is intended, lol!!! I'll just sit over here with my socially awkward self, unable to accept a compliment without feeling 🤢.

 

This happens to my dd, too. She said it makes her feel like all she is is a pretty face, that all of her other qualities are diminished. She has so many other qualities but that's the one that's noticed and commented on. She's also been leered at frequently. She really hates that phrase.

ETA. Dd gets the "compliment" from men as a line to pick her up, usually said with a leer, a request for her phone number, or both. She was uncomfortable getting gas for awhile because that's where she was frequently approached. She's never said anything about a woman telling her she's pretty. 

 

Edited August 27, 2022 by Tree Frog

[BlsdMama]

19 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

I am bothered by people who start *every* conversation with, “Guess what?” And then pause for a reply like I have a clue what they’re going to tell about. Just make an opening statement I can respond to without feeling like I’m on a game show, please. 

You’re not alone in this. My husband responds to our kids with, “I refuse to play guessing games.”

[happi duck]

I don't think I'd mind "wow, you're pretty" because I get "wow, your hair is long" and I never know how I'm supposed to reply to a factual statement "um. Thanks?"

I get compliments on what I *do* and I wish that I could be appreciated for just existing which I have imagined being pretty would feel like, kwim?  Sounds like pretty people would like to get compliments on what they do.

The Hive is such a beautiful source of learning about other experiences!

[teachermom2834]

Well I can’t say that I have a problem with people telling me I am pretty because that doesn’t happen…hahaha…occasionally I will get what appears to be genuine shock that I have kids as old as my adults when I reveal that my 14 yo dd is not my only child and I absolutely love that when I can see it is genuine. 😊

However, I get it because I don’t like it when that is the compliment I get about my dd. I guess I don’t mind it so much from strangers but when people that really know her come out with that as their commentary I get irked. Like she is funny and interesting and smart and a good conversationalist and kind and helpful. Pretty? That’s what you’ve got when you are going to describe her? 
 

Or you are introducing me to someone and saying “oh you would love her daughter…she is so pretty.” What?!?!? 
 

My dd is not that pretty. I always chalked it up to a small town southern thing and that it was the highest compliment bestowed on the females. But it does drive me crazy. 
 

Do you think it sounds strange if I snap back “She is NOT pretty but she does have a great personality! And she is a good cook!” 😂😂😂

Edited August 27, 2022 by teachermom2834

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

You’re not alone in this. My husband responds to our kids with, “I refuse to play guessing games.”

My xh has a weird variation of the guess what question. It's something morbid like, "wanna hear something terrible?" before he tells a weird/unfortunate story. I suppose most of the time I did sorta want to hear the rest just because it maybe pertained to someone we knew. Not in the "I want to hear bad things" kind of way but in the, "oh man, that's terrible but I wanted to know." 

Hangry totally applies to me. I think I'm hypoglycemic so it really fits. 

[KungFuPanda]

Any version or phrasing where people inform me that God gave me a disabled child because he knew they couldn’t handle it. I really do not think God punishes kids for having capable parents. That’s weird. I mean, it’s not as sick as the people who think a disability is a curse for specific “sin in the camp” but it’s not great either. What sort of Chucky Cheese prize ticket god are these people worshiping anyway????

[Indigo Blue]

4 hours ago, Pawz4me said:

Yeah. It's an extremely accurate description.

Yeah. It is. The word just “rubs me the wrong way”, lol. Haaaaannnngrryy. Like saying moist. 

[fairfarmhand]

22 hours ago, elegantlion said:

Specifically this week, I hate when my insurance adjusters need to check on something and say on the phone "Someone should be getting back with you soon." I asked one of them last week to define "soon." My definition did not fit his definition.

I generally ask “so if I don’t hear from somene, how long do I wait before I call you back?”

21 hours ago, klmama said:

I am definitely older, and I wish people would call me "Ma'am."  The younger generations here seem to think they HAVE to call everyone "Miss," even those of us wearing wedding rings who are clearly old enough to be their mother or grandmother.  My dc told they are just being polite, but it feels a little insulting to me.  It took me a long time to get here!  Show a little respect for your elders!

Every female in our area gets ma’am regardless of age. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard a customer service person in my area differentiating between miss for a young woman and ma’am for an older one.

[Indigo Blue]

People who see my plate of food and say “that’s how she stays so thin”. Or “Do you ever eat dessert?” 
 

Now, it’s not the individual instances or people or even the individual comments…it’s just the whole collective thing, over an entire lifetime, and the consistency of it. I just wish that wasn’t the first and sometimes only thing a person says to me. So, I try to just brush it off, but it’s always….oh, not this, again. So this rubs me the wrong way, but I’m not angry at anyone. Just wish it would stop, I guess.

[fairfarmhand]

22 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

People who see my plate of food and say “that’s how she stays so thin”. Or “Do you ever eat dessert?” 
 

Now, it’s not the individual instances or people or even the individual comments…it’s just the whole collective thing, over an entire lifetime, and the consistency of it. I just wish that wasn’t the first and sometimes only thing a person says to me. So, I try to just brush it off, but it’s always….oh, not this, again. So this rubs me the wrong way, but I’m not angry at anyone. Just wish it would stop, I guess.

It's so rude to comment on someone's food choices. (nobody would ever say to a fat person "Oh, that's why you're so fat!)

And it's so rude to comment on someone's body. 

The thing that makes me annoyed about that is that nobody knows what is going on deep inside someone. A thin person might struggle with anxiety and WISH that she could eat, but the stress of whatever they're dealing with makes them feel nauseated all the time. Someone might be dealing with digestive issues and know that if they eat what is offered, they'll spend all day in the bathroom, so they may just take a bit of fruit and move on. There are all kinds of reasons for people's body shapes and food choices and most people never think about the deeper issues that those types of comments ressurect.

Nobody wants or needs to know those details, so it's left to the recipient to stand there and smile awkwardly. 

Edited August 27, 2022 by fairfarmhand

[TechWife]

I detest being called “honey,” “sweetie” or “babe” by any man other than my husband. My first thought is almost always “pervert” when I hear it. I have no problem with women who call me “hon,” which happens often where I live. 

[Tree Frog]

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

😊

However, I get it because I don’t like it when that is the compliment I get about my dd. I guess I don’t mind it so much from strangers but when people that really know her come out with that as their commentary I get irked. Like she is funny and interesting and smart and a good conversationalist and kind and helpful. Pretty? That’s what you’ve got when you are doing to describe her? 
 

Or you are introducing me to someone and saying “oh you would love her daughter…she is so pretty.” What?!?!? 
 

My dd is not that pretty. I always chalked it up to a small town southern thing and that it was the highest compliment bestowed on the females. But it does drive me crazy. 
 

Do you think it sounds strange if I snap back “She is NOT pretty but she does have a great personality! And she is a good cook!” 😂😂😂

This is why my dd doesn't like it. You conveyed it better than I did. 

As far as ma'am goes, when I lived in the Midwest, we had a southern military family join our church. The parents very frequently reminded their kids to refer to elders, married or not, as ma'am and sir. It felt very out of place and awkward in a state where ma'am or sir weren't used. 

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, KungFuPanda said:

Any version or phrasing where people inform me that God gave me a disabled child because he knew they couldn’t handle it. I really do not think God punishes kids for having capable parents. That’s weird. I mean, it’s not as sick as the people who think a disability is a curse for specific “sin in the camp” but it’s not great either. What sort of Chucky Cheese prize ticket god are these people worshiping anyway????

I don’t think that is meant to be read as a punishment at all. Just them saying you had the skills they lack. 

Still don’t like comments like that. I also never like comments where people insinuate that any mother that stays at home and/or homeschools is privileged. I mean maybe in some situations or ways but maybe their family just sacrifices a lot to afford to do it? I just hate the assumption these moms aren’t struggling or that they don’t miss working outside the home. 

We homeschooled because our school district sucked and we couldn’t afford to move. 

Edited August 27, 2022 by heartlikealion

[TABmom]

It’s not something that usually happens, but when I took my almost 15 year old son to high school open house, one of his teachers, a man in his fifties, said “so, is this your mom or your sister?” And it did NOT feel like he was trying to compliment me- it felt like he was trying to insult me as being a “young mom”. I am not a young mom. I was nearly 30 when I had him. I’m still annoyed several days later.

[Alicia64]

I just turned 58.

I don't like it when occasionally a man -- usually older than me -- says, "Hello, young lady!"

I know I'm not young, we can all tell I'm not young and. . . I feel like it's demeaning. Don't get me wrong, the guy who says it the most doesn't have a mean bone in his body.

Something about it though bugs me.

[regentrude]

22 hours ago, klmama said:

I am definitely older, and I wish people would call me "Ma'am."  The younger generations here seem to think they HAVE to call everyone "Miss," even those of us wearing wedding rings who are clearly old enough to be their mother or grandmother.  My dc told they are just being polite, but it feels a little insulting to me.  It took me a long time to get here!  Show a little respect for your elders!

I hate, hate, hate being called "Ma'am". Sounds servile. Or like I'm really old. I know my students with a military background just have that ingrained in them, but I don't care for it at all.

[theelfqueen]

29 minutes ago, TABmom said:

It’s not something that usually happens, but when I took my almost 15 year old son to high school open house, one of his teachers, a man in his fifties, said “so, is this your mom or your sister?” And it did NOT feel like he was trying to compliment me- it felt like he was trying to insult me as being a “young mom”. I am not a young mom. I was nearly 30 when I had him. I’m still annoyed several days later.

My oldest recently had his first child. Oldest is 27. People keep saying "oh you're not old enough to be a grandmother" or "oh you don't look old enough to be a grandmother" stuff (I also get that when I say my son is an Air Force Pilot) ... I am minorly annoyed by it all the time. 

[Indigo Blue]

6 hours ago, Quill said:

I really dislike the formerly-common practice of calling every female person a “girl”. I just had a conversation with my attorney (old school guy) about this, because he said he would use a woman as a “Girl Friday”. That is the stupidest job title in the history of job titles and I told him, “Nobody uses ‘Girl Friday’ anymore.” He could not understand what was bad about it and I said, “Would you like your job title to be ‘Boy Friday’?” He still didn’t really see my point. 

Quill, I have to say….I “know” your personality after being here so long, and every time you post a conversation like this between you and your boss, it makes me giggle because I can picture it in my mind that he must be absolutely flummoxed by you sometimes. I love it. I bet he has never had anyone working for him like you. I bet he never gets anything past you and probably sits scratching his head wondering how to respond. 😂

I do mean this entirely as a compliment. 

[Alicia64]

36 minutes ago, theelfqueen said:

My oldest recently had his first child. Oldest is 27. People keep saying "oh you're not old enough to be a grandmother" or "oh you don't look old enough to be a grandmother" stuff (I also get that when I say my son is an Air Force Pilot) ... I am minorly annoyed by it all the time. 

Trust me, you'll really hate it when they stop saying it!

[Jaybee]

1 hour ago, Alicia64 said:

I just turned 58.

I don't like it when occasionally a man -- usually older than me -- says, "Hello, young lady!"

I know I'm not young, we can all tell I'm not young and. . . I feel like it's demeaning. Don't get me wrong, the guy who says it the most doesn't have a mean bone in his body.

Something about it though bugs me.

I think it feels patronizing--like they think you will be flattered because they "think" you are much younger than you are. As if all women just want to be young (or thought to be). Now if someone really is surprised by my actual age, I can usually tell, and that doesn't bother me.

"On accident" drives me nuts. I only ever heard "by accident" until maybe the last fifteen years. I think there is another phrase similar to this that bugs me, but I can't remember it right now.

If someone insinuates that my adopted child should be grateful. No, I do not expect that they be grateful. I'm grateful they are my child. But I am sorry for the trauma involved. And it's not like I'm super-parent.

[Laura Corin]

45 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I hate, hate, hate being called "Ma'am". Sounds servile. Or like I'm really old. I know my students with a military background just have that ingrained in them, but I don't care for it at all.

Husband occasionally says it out of habit. It's never used here - except to the Queen and maybe a few other office-holders - so it sounds sarcastic.

[theelfqueen]

43 minutes ago, Alicia64 said:

Trust me, you'll really hate it when they stop saying it!

I generally dislike comments on my appearance of any kind so I'll probably be ok. 

[Alicia64]

8 minutes ago, theelfqueen said:

I generally dislike comments on my appearance of any kind so I'll probably be ok. 

I hope you don't think that I was being a jerk. I was always assumed to be younger than my age, then one day I noticed that it wasn't happening anymore.

😄

But I'm with you, I don't like people commenting on my looks. (I won't wear shirts that people have to read.)

[Alicia64]

51 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

I think it feels patronizing--like they think you will be flattered because they "think" you are much younger than you are. As if all women just want to be young (or thought to be). Now if someone really is surprised by my actual age, I can usually tell, and that doesn't bother me.

"On accident" drives me nuts. I only ever heard "by accident" until maybe the last fifteen years. I think there is another phrase similar to this that bugs me, but I can't remember it right now.

If someone insinuates that my adopted child should be grateful. No, I do not expect that they be grateful. I'm grateful they are my child. But I am sorry for the trauma involved. And it's not like I'm super-parent.

Good word. Patronizing.

 

 

[theelfqueen]

2 minutes ago, Alicia64 said:

I hope you don't think that I was being a jerk. I was always assumed to be younger than my age, then one day I noticed that it wasn't happening anymore.

😄

But I'm with you, I don't like people commenting on my looks. (I won't wear shirts that people have to read.)

We're good.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

Quill, I have to say….I “know” your personality after being here so long, and every time you post a conversation like this between you and your boss, it makes me giggle because I can picture it in my mind that he must be absolutely flummoxed by you sometimes. I love it. I bet he has never had anyone working for him like you. I bet he never gets anything past you and probably sits scratching his head wondering how to respond. 😂

I do mean this entirely as a compliment. 

Absolutely true. You know, in my early working life in my twenties, I was sternly reprimanded at least a half dozen times for “insubordination.” I just have never thought of myself as the little peasant working for the puffed-up Lord. I will say the same thing to my boss attorney as I would say to the file clerk (when I worked in an office with a file clerk). I just don’t give a rat’s patooti about sycophantic behavior. 
 

It definitely surprises my boss often. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 hours ago, TABmom said:

It’s not something that usually happens, but when I took my almost 15 year old son to high school open house, one of his teachers, a man in his fifties, said “so, is this your mom or your sister?” And it did NOT feel like he was trying to compliment me- it felt like he was trying to insult me as being a “young mom”. I am not a young mom. I was nearly 30 when I had him. I’m still annoyed several days later.

I get this all the time with my oldest 3 but especially with my oldest ds (second oldest kiddo). He was able to grow a full beard at a young age so he can pass for a good bit older than his age. He’s 21 now. I actually never get asked if I’m mom. He’s been in and out of doctors visits and the hospital the last few years and they always ask “girlfriend, wife, sister?” Never ever mom. To be fair, at a glance I could pass for 30’s (I’m told this a lot) and he could pass for late 20’s/early 30’s. 
My girls are both small and petite and look young for their age so I get it some with them but not like I do with ds. 

Edited August 27, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[HS Mom in NC]

When people say, "But we/I've always done it this way." in response to proposed change that solves a stated problem.  It may be true that it's always been done that way, but it's not relevant. Obviously it's problematic, so let's move on to problem solving, not reviewing history. 

People telling my obviously adopted child she's lucky to have us or should be so grateful to us.I respond with, "We're lucky to have her and are so grateful to all the people who helped facilitate her adoption. " The cluelessness is strong in some people.

When my morbidly obese SIL and a few other people comment on my food choices. "You're so thin because you're eating that and I'm fat/gaining weight because I'm eating this." If it would be considered rude for someone to mirror back exactly what you said, don't say it in the first place.  "Yes, my food choices keep me thin while yours make you fat/bigger." That would be obnoxious of me to say.

People referring to adults as "sweetheart", "sweetie", "hon", "honey", "darlin'", "baby", etc.  In my world those are for intimate relationships between adults and can only be directed to young children in general, never directed at other adults in non-intimate relationships.  Here in The South it's common and incredibly grating. I can't tell women who direct them at me (usually cashiers) how demeaning and insulting it is because they're just older people from a lower socioeconomic class where that's normative and have no reference point for norms in the wider world. They have enough to deal with, I don't want to pile onto their difficult lives. 

And of course, ma'am. I'd prefer actual fingernails on a blackboard to ma'am because screeching chalkboard sounds are more pleasant.  Where I come from it means little old lady with white hair, a hump, walker, hearing aids, and dentures.  Staff in the southwest in big cities who grew up there only use Miss, never ma'am unless the above description fits. They're risking a complaint to the management if ma'am was used for a customer who didn't fit that description.  Transplants there have to be trained to avoid it, but sometimes it slips out and some recipients are visibly irritated.  Usually it's freezing and locking in a stare, the cocking of a head to one angle, a stone cold face, or raised eyebrows, followed by a deep sigh.

It took me 6 months after my move to not feel like someone was stabbing me in the heart when they used ma'am with me. I keep my face neutral, but I won't use it.  I can't on principle-it's not appropriate because honorifics are hierarchical in nature.  This is a fast growing, high transplant area, so ma'am being flooded out by mainstream American norms. No need to perpetuate it, it'll die out here in a generation or two if this growth remains steady.

It's really a disservice to children raised in ma'am culture because they aren't told by their parents that it's only appropriate in their region and usually don't grasp how insulting it is to people where it's taboo (rural Maine where my dad's side lives) or unacceptable (big city southwest) to use it.

I don't like Mrs. Lastname at all and I despise Miss Firstname. I only tolerate it for the sake of peace, but it doesn't matter if it's a kid or an adult, I introduce myself as Lisa. Anyone calling me anything other than what I introduced myself as is being rude no matter what their mommy told them.  I get if they're reading my name off of paperwork or something else and didn't get a proper introduction from me first, but after the introduction, it's polite to only call people what they introduce themselves as.

[Tanaqui]

Quote

It's really a disservice to children raised in ma'am culture because they aren't told by their parents that it's only appropriate in their region and usually don't grasp how insulting it is to people where it's taboo (rural Maine where my dad's side lives) or unacceptable (big city southwest) to use it.

Surely that's true for ALL rules of manners? I mean, people who are raised to think that it's rude aren't told as children (usually) that actually in SOME places it's polite, are they? People who are raised to think that "fashionably late" is SOP aren't told as children that in some other places it's only polite to arrive right on the dot, and in a few places it's polite to arrive early and if you're on time, you're late.

I get that you feel that the manners rules you grew up with and prefer are objectively superior, but that doesn't mean that other people are doing their kids a disservice by teaching them the manners THEY know and that are useful where THEY are.

And since we're talking about manners, let me be very blunt: I find the entire tenor of your comment to be shockingly bad manners and rude.

[Pawz4me]

21 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

And since we're talking about manners, let me be very blunt: I find the entire tenor of your comment to be shockingly bad manners and rude.

Thank you. Very few single words, forms of address, etc., bother me. Incredibly arrogant, tone deaf screeds do.

Edited August 27, 2022 by Pawz4me

[Ann.without.an.e]

This isn’t about any particular post. Just me rambling lol
Ma’am is cultural. As someone born and raised in the south, I don’t think it means the same anymore as many think. It it more often used in my circles as an emphasis rather than a title. Do you like ice cream? Oh Yes ma’am. Almost like yes indeed or absolutely. It is rarely used as a title where I am but used more lightly. 
 

Edited August 27, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Guest]

So long as we’re discussing Miss/Mrs./Mr., here is what I’m never certain of: when to switch to a first name with clients, and does their age relative to mine make a difference. Like, an 80yo woman is probably always going to be Ms. Carmichael to me; I cannot find it in me to call her Esther. But when we have a young client the age of one of my kids, I find it difficult to call them Ms./Mr. for very long. But for the large hunk of people in the middle - say, 30-65 yo - I never know when to switch, even if they have begun calling me by my first name. 
 

It makes me think of the thing in France, where they will literally ask for permission to use the “tu” form, rather than the more formal “vous”. 

[Pawz4me]

8 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

@Pawz4me@HS Mom in NC @Tanaqui

@Tree Frog

Ma’am is cultural. As someone born and raised in the south, I don’t think it means the same anymore as many think. It it more often used in my circles as an emphasis rather than a title. Do you like ice cream? Oh Yes ma’am. Almost like yes indeed or absolutely. It is rarely used as a title where I am but used more lightly. 
I wasn’t taught to call adults ma’am and I’m 44 and was raised In the Carolinas. We never taught our children to refer to women as ma’am. DH is from the west coast so it is really odd to him. It is the rare person here that expects that. I knew one lady who was h-bent on kids calling her ma’am. Oldest DS got into a lot of trouble when he was little for not doing so. She kept saying to him “Do you understand?” And he would just say “yes” and she was saying “say yes ma’am” and he would just say “yes”. He didn’t like the lady and he’s stubborn as a mule. She came to DH very upset that ds wouldn’t comply, wanting DH to make him say it to her. DH said he was not required to comply and yes was enough. 

The problem with the post isn’t the specific word or words being discussed. 

Edited August 27, 2022 by Pawz4me

[fairfarmhand]

There might be some things that make me cringe. However, I try to assume positive intent. If someone looks at me and calls me "hon" as a cashier, I know they're probably trying to be sweet and friendly if it's said in a sweet friendly tone. If someone "hon"s me and they are saying it in a condescending tone, I'll bristle. I have too much on my mind however, to get too worked up about how people address me.

There's direct rudeness (like when a PP mentioned people commenting on her size and her food choices) and there's cluelessness. The two are not the same. If someone is clueless and rude and they're my friend, I will probably gently say something. "It makes me feel weird when you comment on my size or what I'm eating like that." 

 SOOO many people NEVER think about how they come across to others. They just are not that self reflective. It's not my job to clue in the cashier at the grocery store when she's just trying to be sweet and helpful, but I do try to help those I care about realize how they're coming across to others.

I'm not gonna snap at someone making minimum wage who's trying to be nice. That WOULD be rude. Especially when they are trying hard to be polite in the culture in which they were raised.

[fairfarmhand]

18 minutes ago, Quill said:

So long as we’re discussing Miss/Mrs./Mr., here is what I’m never certain of: when to switch to a first name with clients, and does their age relative to mine make a difference. Like, an 80yo woman is probably always going to be Ms. Carmichael to me; I cannot find it in me to call her Esther. But when we have a young client the age of one of my kids, I find it difficult to call them Ms./Mr. for very long. But for the large hunk of people in the middle - say, 30-65 yo - I never know when to switch, even if they have begun calling me by my first name. 
 

It makes me think of the thing in France, where they will literally ask for permission to use the “tu” form, rather than the more formal “vous”. 

Why not ask?

"Do you mind if I call you Sally or would you prefer Mrs. Lastname?"