When you know you've had the conversation before - WWYD?

[chocolate-chip chooky]

There's someone in my life who either doesn't listen to what I say or doesn't retain what I say.  So, I find myself having to repeat myself, about both mundane things and also important things. The repeating might be a minute later, or a day later or a week later.

If this was you, would you point out to the person that we have actually already talked about it? That that bit of information had actually already been passed on to them?

Do you think it's important that they know they are not paying attention or not retaining or something? Or is it rude to point it out?

This is not about an elderly person.

[almondbutterandjelly]

Lol is it a man? I have found that unless dh is ready to hear something, I am wasting my breath. He must actively be interested in the info or needing the info almost immediately.

[BakersDozen]

I would point it out, hopefully at the moment such forgetfulness/inattention happens. If the person is not receptive or argues, I would offer a solution which is to write things down. Everything whether large or small.

I have multiple people in my life with whom I have to do this. I got so mentally tired from the process of stating, repeating, repeating, repeating.....writing things down helps with my sanity. Sort of.

[JustEm]

Yes, I would 100% mention that we had already discussed the topic. This used to be a huge issue with someone close to me and the only thing that got through to them was when I stopped repeating myself, because to me their inability to retain information that I had discussed with them was a respect issue. They weren't respecting my time and then always forgetting made me feel unheard and unimportant. Mind you, this was a NT person so they had the ability to prioritize our conversations. When I stopped repeating myself they started remembering conversations 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

5 minutes ago, perky said:

Lol is it a man? I have found that unless dh is ready to hear something, I am wasting my breath. He must actively be interested in the info or needing the info almost immediately.

Yes indeed. What you've said sums it up very well.

What do you do? When you have to repeat something, do you start with 'We had this conversation yesterday, remember?' Or do you let it go and just repeat?

I'm just feeling so unheard, and like I have nothing important enough or interesting enough to actually be listened to. I think I've used up my patience quota on this.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

3 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

Yes, I would 100% mention that we had already discussed the topic. This used to be a huge issue with someone close to me and the only thing that got through to them was when I stopped repeating myself, because to me their inability to retain information that I had discussed with them was a respect issue. They weren't respecting my time and then always forgetting made me feel unheard and unimportant. Mind you, this was a NT person so they had the ability to prioritize our conversations. When I stopped repeating myself they started remembering conversations 

So when a topic came up again, you don't repeat the info? How does that work? Do you just say 'I already told you that'.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm just trying to picture how this would actually play out.

 

[Brittany1116]

Jog the memory when he denies having heard. "We were in the kitchen after dinner and when I told you, you said...." 

[teachermom2834]

I don’t know. I do know I have a couple of issues with this (and it isn’t just dh).

One is simply not paying attention. Particularly annoying when the other person initiated the conversation. They asked the question and then didn’t bother to listen to or remember my answer. Not sure what to do about this. It causes problems that do get worse over time if you don’t find a way to resolve it or not let it annoy you.

Another is a person in my life that will repeatedly ask a question in an attempt to get a different answer. My dad does this so I can’t punish him in the way I would a child that took this approach. Of course he is getting older but this has always been a way of pressuring me to do what he wants me to do. So I’m always kind of hyper aware of whether the person who is doing this to me is truly clueless/forgetful or if they are trying to manipulate me. 
 

I often revert back to something I say often to my people. “It is not relationship affirming for you to keep asking me the same question or acting like we haven’t had this discussion. You may not be doing it on purpose but it is not improving our relationship.” It’s my way of telling my dh and adult and near adult kids - “hey this isn’t the biggest deal in the world and you may not be doing it on purpose but it is not making me feel great about things so can we work on it?” I get varied results. 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

Just now, Brittany1116 said:

Jog the memory when he denies having heard. "We were in the kitchen after dinner and when I told you, you said...." 

This is exactly what I do. I try to say the when and where.

But this is causing tension. He says I'm just trying to make him feel guilty, which I'm not. 

[Arcadia]

10 minutes ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

So when a topic came up again, you don't repeat the info? How does that work? Do you just say 'I already told you that'.

 

I use WhatsApp for that. Then resend the original WhatsApp message. My husband has quite a lot of work conference calls and he isn’t a great auditory learner. He need to jot down notes. Its easier for me to text him if it is something that he needs to remember. That is particularly so for our kids’s activities and my doctor appointments. 

[KSera]

I have this issue with someone as well. I think it's most often distraction, which I know I am sometimes guilty of, though I think it most often happens the other direction. I've started trying to remember to ask ahead of time if it's a good time for them to listen. Often they will say, "let me finish this first" and then we will have a better conversation.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

Please tell me if I'm being rude pointing it out. 

Although my patience is wearing thin, I don't want to be inadvertently rude.

[Arcadia]

DS16 who has lower processing speed has more difficulty with auditory input so text is better because he can reread. My husband would have difficulty if I talk fast. He is used to business meetings/presentations kind of speed for talking. DS17 would just go “What?!” if I talk faster than he can process so it hasn’t been an issue.

[JustEm]

36 minutes ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

So when a topic came up again, you don't repeat the info? How does that work? Do you just say 'I already told you that'.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm just trying to picture how this would actually play out.

 

Well it started with after me mentioning many times that I don't appreciate not feeling listened to. Also, that by them not remembering a conversation they are making me solely responsible for said information and that is not fair.

But after that not fixing the issue I let them know that I'd no longer repeat myself. So, depending on the info my reaction would change. If they forgot about an event I wouldn't remind them and they did end up missing things or being late. Other times I would simply say ' we've already discussed that' and then that would end the Convo. I didn't start repeating myself again until they started making an effort to remember our conversations.

This wasn't a kid. I would give a kid an infinite number of retries. This was an adult who didn't make conversations a lasting priority in their brain. 

[Katy]

I think it’s more rude to have so many conversations and not listen and have it happen often enough that he says HIS feelings are hurt. 

I might say, “I’m going to need some time to calm down because I’m angry that we talked about this yesterday and you don’t remember. Maybe you need a neurological exam. Does early dementia run in your family? Maybe it’s just ADHD. Or maybe you’ve made a decision to treat me with horrible disrespect every single day. Don’t you dare say that I’m trying to manipulate you in any way. You’re the one who is so rude that you don’t listen. This is a pattern that you’re repeating over and over and it’s unacceptable. Unless you have a medical problem it’s inexcusably ride to treat me like this.”

[Carrie12345]

32 minutes ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

This is exactly what I do. I try to say the when and where.

But this is causing tension. He says I'm just trying to make him feel guilty, which I'm not. 

 

16 minutes ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

Please tell me if I'm being rude pointing it out. 

Although my patience is wearing thin, I don't want to be inadvertently rude.

So… yeah, this is an issue in my relationship, including a similar reaction. And I think the reaction is BS. Not intentionally BS, but ultimately, in my case, the person is reacting to the feelings of being called out instead of the feelings the caller outter is attempting to express. Which is worthy of its own conversation. It shouldn’t (imo) be a replacement for the original conversation, which is about not being listened to.

 I’m not claiming full success in this area, because it still happens. But it’s intentionally revisited every so often with the skills we learned in counseling. Without those, I swear it would still be a never ending loop of blaming each other for our own feelings and both of us *always feeling attacked.  
With those skills, we can usually manage a look that says we’re going to formally address the issue when we’re in the right mind frame.

Minor examples are dealt with here by putting things on the wall calendar or texting. There’s no sense in letting easy, basic stuff trigger this issue. 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

3 minutes ago, Katy said:

I think it’s more rude to have so many conversations and not listen and have it happen often enough that he says HIS feelings are hurt. 

I might say, “I’m going to need some time to calm down because I’m angry that we talked about this yesterday and you don’t remember. Maybe you need a neurological exam. Does early dementia run in your family? Maybe it’s just ADHD. Or maybe you’ve made a decision to treat me with horrible disrespect every single day. Don’t you dare say that I’m trying to manipulate you in any way. You’re the one who is so rude that you don’t listen. This is a pattern that you’re repeating over and over and it’s unacceptable. Unless you have a medical problem it’s inexcusably ride to treat me like this.”

I might need to try a toned down version of this. 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

5 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

 

So… yeah, this is an issue in my relationship, including a similar reaction. And I think the reaction is BS. Not intentionally BS, but ultimately, in my case, the person is reacting to the feelings of being called out instead of the feelings the caller outter is attempting to express. Which is worthy of its own conversation. It shouldn’t (imo) be a replacement for the original conversation, which is about not being listened to.

 I’m not claiming full success in this area, because it still happens. But it’s intentionally revisited every so often with the skills we learned in counseling. Without those, I swear it would still be a never ending loop of blaming each other for our own feelings and both of us *always feeling attacked.  
With those skills, we can usually manage a look that says we’re going to formally address the issue when we’re in the right mind frame.

Minor examples are dealt with here by putting things on the wall calendar or texting. There’s no sense in letting easy, basic stuff trigger this issue. 

The bold - very good point.

[JustEm]

One thing I can say about my person is that they never denied it when I reminded them we already discussed something 

[almondbutterandjelly]

So I just wait to give him the information until he needs it. Or if I’m afraid I will forget to do that, then I text or email it to him so I can tell him when I want and he has the information.

We also keep a written calendar and written shopping list. 

I do not take it personally or as a sign of disrespect.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

1 minute ago, hjffkj said:

One thing I can say about my person is that they never denied it when I reminded them we already discussed something 

Same. He doesn't deny it. He's just questioning why I feel the need to point it out. 

[Tanaqui]

I have found, for a few "pet topics" that we kept having to discuss over and over and over again, that it helped to actually write it down and make the other person sign and confirm that we have already discussed the issue. It was very silly, but they never forgot those topics again.

Not necessarily serious things - one was my sister repeatedly forgetting that I'd told her a new book by a favorite author had come out. Every time I mentioned it she reacted as though I'd been keeping this information from her! But it works for serious topics too, and it works even if I do it pre-emptively, before we have to repeat topics. I don't know if it's the actual act of writing it down or the implied threat that I *will* pull out that sheet of paper and announce to the word that, yes, I did in fact tell them so - but it does work.

I try not to do it too often, though. There is a nonzero chance I'll forget where I stowed the evidence.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

1 minute ago, perky said:

So I just wait to give him the information until he needs it. Or if I’m afraid I will forget to do that, then I text or email it to him so I can tell him when I want and he has the information.

We also keep a written calendar and written shopping list. 

I do not take it personally or as a sign of disrespect.

I didn't used to, but I'm losing patience at feeling unheard and that what I say isn't important enough to listen to.

[JustEm]

2 minutes ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

Same. He doesn't deny it. He's just questioning why I feel the need to point it out. 

Hmm, well have you explained to him why you need to print it out? For me, it was about feeling unheard and disrespected, which are significant issues in a relationship. But if it doesn't actually bother you there probably isn't a reason to point it out.

[Halftime Hope]

I try hard to listen to dh, but sometimes I need the context of a discussion before I begin to remember it.  We know this is a pattern for me. We have to find the hook that the information was hung on. 

Dh has always had a sort of "photographic memory" but in the area of auditory recall; we think it is a coping mechanism for his dyslexia. The frustrating thing is that now, in his sixth decade, he is beginning to forget to tell me things! Arghh...we are learning to be very forgiving of each other's shortcomings, otherwise, we would be at each other's throats a lot.  

I do find that keeping a notebook of what we've discussed helps my recall, and if I do it without fail, it helps him see that we have not discussed the thing he processed internally, but didn't tell me about.  Lordy, what a mess. 

[Arcadia]

35 minutes ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

Same. He doesn't deny it. He's just questioning why I feel the need to point it out. 

 

33 minutes ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

I didn't used to, but I'm losing patience at feeling unheard and that what I say isn't important enough to listen to.

My MIL has a similar issue of feeling unheard and unimportant. With my in-laws, it boils down to patriarchal issues.

My husband doesn’t have that patriarchal issue but he hasn’t learned how to gauge stuff other than his work. For things that are important, we have “meetings” and get it all sorted out. I do that for my teens too. For my teens, in general conversation, they would go “ya ya you said it before”. So we sit down and discuss for important issues. It is easy to feel unheard in general day to day conversations because people aren’t giving their full attention.

Edited July 2, 2022 by Arcadia
typo

[chocolate-chip chooky]

7 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

Hmm, well have you explained to him why you need to print it out? For me, it was about feeling unheard and disrespected, which are significant issues in a relationship. But if it doesn't actually bother you there probably isn't a reason to point it out.

For decades I've said that I feel like I'm in a Peanuts comic. You know how the adults only sound like 'wah wah wah wah'? It's feeling that you are just background noise.

 

[JustEm]

1 minute ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

For decades I've said that I feel like I'm in a Peanuts comic. You know how the adults only sound like 'wah wah wah wah'? It's feeling that you are just background noise.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I still feel that way sometimes with my kids. But now that dh actively listens and retains info the kids have gotten better but they're still bad

[Farrar]

In terms of the feeling disrespected and unheard issue... For me, that's in the context of the relationship as a whole. If it's a good relationship overall, then it's much easier for me to let it go and accept that the other person has things they're not good at. My mother and I got into this once about dh, has certain things he does over and over that I've told him not to do. He just can't remember them. Dh and I have a great relationship. If he needs to scour and strip the cast iron skillet once a year because he forgets every single time which pans can't be scrubbed like that... well. It is what it is. And yeah, sometimes I get snippy to him about it, but my mother was like, it's a sign that he doesn't actually value your blah blah blah. And I was like, just shut up now, mom. He forgets. Dh is actually pretty darn amazing. No one is perfect.

On the other hand, I've had friendships where the other person simply does not listen and it's in the context of not being a very good friend. And then it's like, okay, this is not about the fact that I've had to remind you about this thing over and over. We actually have a relationship issue.

[Ausmumof3]

If it’s logistical stuff send a follow up text with date/time to confirm the conversation. My dh became less like this after a job change massively reduced his stress levels. I think he was already maxed out and couldn’t take on board what I was saying. I’m not sure if that’s relevant here but just throwing it in there just in case.

[klmama]

A close friend regularly did this - not just to me, but to everyone - until starting ADHD meds around age 50.  It made a huge difference, and it lowered my friend's stress level tremendously.  

[sassenach]

2 hours ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

Yes indeed. What you've said sums it up very well.

What do you do? When you have to repeat something, do you start with 'We had this conversation yesterday, remember?' Or do you let it go and just repeat?

I'm just feeling so unheard, and like I have nothing important enough or interesting enough to actually be listened to. I think I've used up my patience quota on this.

You must be a better person than I am if it's not your first instinct to say that. I will 100% say to dh, "I absolutely discussed this with you. We were  (name place), you said (state his response)."

Inattentiveness is not going to fix itself.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

4 minutes ago, sassenach said:

You must be a better person than I am if it's not your first instinct to say that. I will 100% say to dh, "I absolutely discussed this with you. We were  (name place), you said (state his response)."

Inattentiveness is not going to fix itself.

It is my first instinct, and it is exactly what I've been doing. The difference now is that he's calling me on it, so I'm trying to gauge if I'm being rude.

[Melissa Louise]

1 hour ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

I didn't used to, but I'm losing patience at feeling unheard and that what I say isn't important enough to listen to.

Have you said this to the person?

What was their response? 

The above is a very valid thing to communicate. 

 

[Catwoman]

2 hours ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

This is exactly what I do. I try to say the when and where.

But this is causing tension. He says I'm just trying to make him feel guilty, which I'm not. 

 

1 hour ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

Same. He doesn't deny it. He's just questioning why I feel the need to point it out. 

Not for anything, but you are apparently a way better person than I am, because I would absolutely be trying to make him feel guilty.

My DH is a very good listener so I don’t have this problem, but I would lose patience very quickly if I had to keep repeating myself.

I don’t think you were being rude at all by pointing it out; he is being rude by not paying attention the first time, and that’s exactly what I would tell him if he got defensive when I told him I was tired of always repeating myself. 

Stand up for yourself and demand respect, or things will never change! I’m not saying to be mean about it, but I think you have to be pretty firm, particularly because this has apparently been going on for quite a while, and you need to let him know that you’re serious.

[Carol in Cal.]

A milder way to call attention to this is to say, “Well, when we talked about this the other day you said XXX…” and then proceed from there.

[Rosie_0801]

You are not being rude unless rudeness is defined as not protecting a person from feeling an emotion they don't want to feel.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

12 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

Have you said this to the person?

What was their response? 

The above is a very valid thing to communicate. 

 

I did. Not sure if it was heard. (Irony much?)

[chocolate-chip chooky]

11 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

A milder way to call attention to this is to say, “Well, when we talked about this the other day you said XXX…” and then proceed from there.

This is a good idea. Thank you.

[Arcadia]

44 minutes ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

It is my first instinct, and it is exactly what I've been doing. The difference now is that he's calling me on it, so I'm trying to gauge if I'm being rude.

Has there been new stress lately? My husband was grouchy when faced with unemployment (twice) and would react negatively when he is usually not reactive. While not an excuse, mid life crisis can also make people regardless of gender more stressed and cranky.

I don’t think you are rude though. Its not like you are using a patronizing tone like what my in-laws sometimes do. 

[stephanier.1765]

3 hours ago, Arcadia said:

I use WhatsApp for that. Then resend the original WhatsApp message. My husband has quite a lot of work conference calls and he isn’t a great auditory learner. He need to jot down notes. Its easier for me to text him if it is something that he needs to remember. That is particularly so for our kids’s activities and my doctor appointments. 

I wish this would work for us.. Just this week I texted dh that I was out with DIL and could he please feed the cats when he gets home. Later, when I found out that he didn't feed the cats, he said he didn't bother reading the whole message. He just read what popped up in notifications and thought I was just telling him I was out. I guess from this I learn to next time to put the important bits at the beginning. 🤦‍♀️

[sassenach]

1 hour ago, chocolate-chip chooky said:

It is my first instinct, and it is exactly what I've been doing. The difference now is that he's calling me on it, so I'm trying to gauge if I'm being rude.

“Hubby, either you don’t give a crap about what comes out of my mouth or you are  having a medical issue, either way I’m concerned.”

 

You aren’t being rude. 
 

ETA: that’s not to say that this is some unheard of issue. I’ve even been guilty of it myself. But it IS worthy of being addressed. 

Edited July 3, 2022 by sassenach

[Arcadia]

2 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I wish this would work for us.. Just this week I texted dh that I was out with DIL and could he please feed the cats when he gets home. Later, when I found out that he didn't feed the cats, he said he didn't bother reading the whole message. He just read what popped up in notifications and thought I was just telling him I was out. I guess from this I learn to next time to put the important bits at the beginning. 🤦‍♀️

My husband and teens need short sentences if I need them to do something e.g. “turn off the slow cooker”. Either that or I have to use those (1), (2) indicators so they know its a few separate “commands” and not a command with details.

[Shoeless]

Its not rude. His response is a little weird a d defensive. He knows he's doing it, hasnt corrected the behavior, but doesnt want you to bring it up because of feelings? 

If he.doesnt want to feel bad about his behavior, he could, like, change it? 

[Catwoman]

35 minutes ago, sassenach said:

“Hubby, either you don’t give a crap about what comes out of my mouth or you are  having a medical issue, either way I’m concerned.”

👍  I think this statement pretty much covers it! 

 

[fairfarmhand]

5 hours ago, KSera said:

I have this issue with someone as well. I think it's most often distraction, which I know I am sometimes guilty of, though I think it most often happens the other direction. I've started trying to remember to ask ahead of time if it's a good time for them to listen. Often they will say, "let me finish this first" and then we will have a better conversation.

This. 
And face to face with eye contact.

[SHP]

I have people in my life who don't listen and then get very angry when I am conveying information and ask them to repeat it back to me then get even more angry when they realize they didn't listen. I stopped verbally communicating important information to them and instead I texted. They continued to be disrespectful in other ways and I no longer talk to them.

 

I have people in my life who have legitimate medical reasons for not being able to remember and one has a condition where their brain basically makes stuff up to fill in gaps. It is frustrating to deal with but it isn't their fault and their is literally nothing they can do about it. I communicate with them differently. Things are still in writing via text but also if there is an event I make sure it goes on their calendar and I remind them. Repeat conversations happen a lot and when they start I turn it around and ask them questions about the conversation so I know what they know and understand. Often they are trying to understand a part of the conversation and don't know how to ask a specific question so they initiate the entire conversation again.

[2squared]

5 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

If it’s logistical stuff send a follow up text with date/time to confirm the conversation. My dh became less like this after a job change massively reduced his stress levels. I think he was already maxed out and couldn’t take on board what I was saying. I’m not sure if that’s relevant here but just throwing it in there just in case.

This is me. I forget conversations or answers to questions I’ve asked quite often. I’m not actively trying to forget and in fact I want to know the information (evidenced by me asking again), but I truly think I just have too much activity in my head to take in and retain additional information sometimes. I can’t even remember my own stuff, much less info others are telling me. I try to compensate by tightly controlling our family calendar and asking for the info via  text or email. 
 

Work stuff or personal to-dos pop in my head throughout the day, and I immediately send myself reminder emails because I know I won’t remember again. Same for the grocery store. I might run for milk, but I send myself my grocery list in a text so I don’t forget once I get there. 

[Arcadia]

5 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

If it’s logistical stuff send a follow up text with date/time to confirm the conversation. My dh became less like this after a job change massively reduced his stress levels. I think he was already maxed out and couldn’t take on board what I was saying. I’m not sure if that’s relevant here but just throwing it in there just in case.

When I was working as an escalation engineer, the engineers I delegate tasks to are already maxed out with stress and multitasking. I just have to treat my engineers as having short attention span adults though they aren’t ADHD. So things like short text messages/emails, using bullet points, just to make their work life easier.

[BusyMom5]

Don't we all do this to some degree?  For me,  if you come in while I'm busy, I'll only give you half of my attention as I'm currently busy and you are interrupting me.  If you need to tell me something,  get my attention first and wait a second until I finish my task and you have my attention.   

For mine who don't listen (Dh and ODD) I think they have strong ADHD tendencies and are often in their own dream worlds.  DH- if I need to tell him something I get his attention snd tell him its importance.  Usually he will remember.  He tends to often have his mind on his own train of thought so he may or may not be listening- I have to disrupt that train of thought to get it focused on me.  For older DD, if its important i tell her, ask to repeat it, and sometimes tell her I'm texting info to her or she needs to set a timer on her phone.  She's really bad about not paying any attention to what I say, and I find I don't listenclosely to her either as she just rambles on about things then changes her mind an hour later- or us just venting to me about something.   She rarely listens to what I have to say and I often have to get blunt- "You are interrupting me. Listen to me first, then you can respond back to my idea."