If you are dreading Mother’s Day…

[popmom]

Come on in. I have had very low contact with my (abusive, borderline, narc) mother since last July. I HATE Mother’s Day. Always have. It’s agonizing trying to pick out a card because I’ve never experienced anything like what the cards say. It’s such a lie. This is the first Mother’s Day since I’ve gone low contact. I want to do something for myself. I’m okay with mailing a token card, but I really want to do something for myself. If you struggle similarly, what do you do to get through?

Edited April 25, 2022 by popmom

[gardenmom5]

Hugs.

Go do something to pamper yourself. A mani-pedi, a massage, a facial, etc.  What makes you feel good?

eta: as you are able to start to focus upon the relationship between you and your children, and disconnect the holiday from your own mother it will hurt less.  My mom wasn't a "mother", and I could never have that relationship with her.  I have come to take great satisfaction I have the relationship I want with my own adult children.

Edited April 25, 2022 by gardenmom5

[Rosie_0801]

I mostly ignore it. My mother and I are estranged, to our mutual satisfaction, and my daughter will spend her day in the insincere glorification of her stepmother.

I'll hang about, read novels, eat Tim Tams and click "like" on my friends' positive Mothers Day posts on FB.

[popmom]

18 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I mostly ignore it. My mother and I are estranged, to our mutual satisfaction, and my daughter will spend her day in the insincere glorification of her stepmother.

I'll hang about, read novels, eat Tim Tams and click "like" on my friends' positive Mothers Day posts on FB.

Thank you. 🙂

[BakersDozen]

Oh thank you for posting this, OP!!! I saw the first Mother's Day ad pop up on Resurrection Sunday night and cringed. If I could disappear until after M's Day, I would. As a kid I came to hate M's Day because of the expectation to shower praises and pamper a woman who demanded to be praised and already indulged her selfish being to no end. And given that her bday often fell on M's Day, she insisted on having two complete and different celebrations. God forbid we not do exactly what she wanted, in the way she wanted it. I laugh at the cards because they are all (for me) lies. I would like a card that says, "You are the kind of mother that makes kids hate Mother's Day."

I have lied over the last few years that I forgot the date...kids were sick...I was sick...anything to avoid actually acknowledging her. I am hoping she won't be here this year.

Even w/o my mom and her antics, I've always hated M's Day. People ask what our plans are and I tell them it is just another Sunday - nothing different save for that I refuse to go to church or anywhere that is celebrating the day.

Whew, this topic is a bit of a trigger for me. Sorry.

[Kassia]

I hate Mother's Day.  My mother and I were estranged so I didn't do anything with her.  My MIL is awful to us and not a mother or grandmother at all.  I used to get the most generic card I could find and we'd sign it.  Now I just use a blank card (I have tons of these) and write something simple and mail it.  We feel obligated to send a gift so we usually send some kind of gift card so we don't have to see her (she lives ten minutes away).  This year  we're sending food since she has health issues and it's hard for her to drive or cook.  

I think it's such a painful day for so many.  Mothers who have lost children or their own mothers, people with painful relationships with their mothers or children, women who want children and can't have them, etc.  It just brings up a lot of painful feelings.  

With my own kids, Mother's Day makes me uncomfortable.  I don't want a day where they are obligated to celebrate me, kwim?  None of them live at home so they call, text, whatever and that's the end of it.  If any of them are home, we have a special meal or go on a hike or do something together just to spend time together but it's never a big deal.  And I don't want DH doing anything for it either. 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

why celebrate it ?

 isn't it just a made up by a card company  spend day ?

I have never celebrated it , neither did my mother before me or her mother 

[popmom]

26 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

why celebrate it ?

 isn't it just a made up by a card company  spend day ?

I have never celebrated it , neither did my mother before me or her mother 

Very graciously I say…Not helpful. At all. Not even remotely. LOL 🙂 it’s much more complicated.

Edited April 25, 2022 by popmom

[popmom]

50 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

Oh thank you for posting this, OP!!! I saw the first Mother's Day ad pop up on Resurrection Sunday night and cringed. If I could disappear until after M's Day, I would. As a kid I came to hate M's Day because of the expectation to shower praises and pamper a woman who demanded to be praised and already indulged her selfish being to no end. And given that her bday often fell on M's Day, she insisted on having two complete and different celebrations. God forbid we not do exactly what she wanted, in the way she wanted it. I laugh at the cards because they are all (for me) lies. I would like a card that says, "You are the kind of mother that makes kids hate Mother's Day."

I have lied over the last few years that I forgot the date...kids were sick...I was sick...anything to avoid actually acknowledging her. I am hoping she won't be here this year.

Even w/o my mom and her antics, I've always hated M's Day. People ask what our plans are and I tell them it is just another Sunday - nothing different save for that I refuse to go to church or anywhere that is celebrating the day.

Whew, this topic is a bit of a trigger for me. Sorry.

Do not apologize! I really appreciate hearing your experience of it. You are not alone. We’ll get through it together. I just really want it to be different this year. I want to do something healing. I’m seeing my wonderful counselor on Wednesday, so maybe she will help me sort this out.

Edited April 25, 2022 by popmom

[HomeAgain]

I spread out this obligation.  I arrange for flowers to be delivered to MIL from her son earlier in the year - October or January-ish - for Mother's Day through a local florist. She hurt us a lot over the years by just being thoughtless, and I know dh is sad over the relationship he never had with his mom like his siblings do.  By dealing with feelings in a downtime and not at the height of the moment, the appearance is that we care and he loves her.  It's not worth it to make waves at this point.

On the slight bright side, it has made us much more conscious of our relationships with our kids.  For Mother's Day this year I'm asking for 2 things: a wine and cheese night with dh (he works that day, sadly, so we only have the late evening together) and a hike with my kids - who are glad to go explore a new place.

[Melissa in Australia]

sorry

[Kassia]

2 hours ago, popmom said:

\I want to do something healing. I’m seeing my wonderful counselor on Wednesday, so maybe she will help me sort this out.

I hope you figure out a day that you feel peaceful about.  Mother's Day can be so complicated and emotional.  Sending hugs.  

[Grace Hopper]

3 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

Oh thank you for posting this, OP!!! I saw the first Mother's Day ad pop up on Resurrection Sunday night and cringed. If I could disappear until after M's Day, I would. As a kid I came to hate M's Day because of the expectation to shower praises and pamper a woman who demanded to be praised and already indulged her selfish being to no end. And given that her bday often fell on M's Day, she insisted on having two complete and different celebrations. God forbid we not do exactly what she wanted, in the way she wanted it. I laugh at the cards because they are all (for me) lies. I would like a card that says, "You are the kind of mother that makes kids hate Mother's Day."

I have lied over the last few years that I forgot the date...kids were sick...I was sick...anything to avoid actually acknowledging her. I am hoping she won't be here this year.

Even w/o my mom and her antics, I've always hated M's Day. People ask what our plans are and I tell them it is just another Sunday - nothing different save for that I refuse to go to church or anywhere that is celebrating the day.

Whew, this topic is a bit of a trigger for me. Sorry.

Years ago I had a traumatic second trimester miscarriage. The first day I felt well enough to go back to church was Mother’s Day, and I felt it was important to go with my other still young children. We didn’t realize it was also baby dedication day. The sight of all the other women standing in front with their new babies… just did me in. I am not sad to skip on Mother’s Day now. 

3 hours ago, Kassia said:

I hate Mother's Day.  My mother and I were estranged so I didn't do anything with her.  My MIL is awful to us and not a mother or grandmother at all.  I used to get the most generic card I could find and we'd sign it.  Now I just use a blank card (I have tons of these) and write something simple and mail it.  We feel obligated to send a gift so we usually send some kind of gift card so we don't have to see her (she lives ten minutes away).  This year  we're sending food since she has health issues and it's hard for her to drive or cook.  

I think it's such a painful day for so many.  Mothers who have lost children or their own mothers, people with painful relationships with their mothers or children, women who want children and can't have them, etc.  It just brings up a lot of painful feelings.  

With my own kids, Mother's Day makes me uncomfortable.  I don't want a day where they are obligated to celebrate me, kwim?  None of them live at home so they call, text, whatever and that's the end of it.  If any of them are home, we have a special meal or go on a hike or do something together just to spend time together but it's never a big deal.  And I don't want DH doing anything for it either. 

 

Key word: obligated. And since my dh does not have wonderful plan making skills for things like birthdays and holidays, it becomes a matter of last-minute stress and obligate actions. 
 

I am happy for dh to go celebrate with his own mom, she relishes it. 

[Rachel]

I’m so sorry this day is so hard for so many people. 
 

My parents divorced when I was young, mom left Mother’s Day weekend. I haven’t had much of a relationship with her since. My stepmom, who helped raise me, wasn’t understanding about me grieving that relationship. Then a few years ago I had a late 1st trimester miscarriage on Mother’s Day. An already emotional day had another reminder of loss added to it. 
 

My family started a tradition of skipping church on Mother’s Day and either going hiking or camping instead. My kids get excited about doing something special for me,  but we have always kept it low key and not obligatory. 
 

I send a generic card to both my moms every year. My grandma on biomom’s side passed away in March and mom is grieving. I’m trying to decide if I should send flowers or just a card this year.  Even though it’s an emotional day for me, I don’t want my actions to turn the day into a dreaded day for them as well. 

[Indigo Blue]

On Mother’s Day two years ago, my younger ds pulled a dozen burnt orange roses from behind his back on that sunny day when we met somewhere beautiful to spend the day together. I told him one day when I’m a very old woman, I will be able look back on that day and always have that happy memory with me. That memory he created for me. 
 

So, look for something to focus on that your children or Dh have done for you now or in the past and hold onto that. Tell them how special it was/is for you and how much it meant/means. Use that to get you through. I’m so grateful for that day, and if no one ever gives me flowers again, I’ll be perfectly content. 
 

I’ll be thinking of that on Mother’s Day. 🌹

Also, focus on making the ones who care for you happy by telling them on Mother’s Day how much they mean to you. Focus on creating happy memories for them to have. Happy memories of you on Mother’s Day for them to hold onto. 

[Spryte]

Why is it so hard to find generic cards for these types of days? I can remember years of agonizing, looking for just the right card that didn’t say anything untrue (best parent ever! you’ve made my life wonderful!) and just offered wishes for a nice day. 
 

OP, I’d focus on spending time with people you love, doing things you love. We are a museum, exhibit family so my favorite days are getting out with family. Or sometimes we will go to a nice garden center that’s a bit of a drive, and come home to plant things. If spending time with kids is not an option, I’d do something for myself — maybe a pedi, if I wanted to go out. But these days I’m not really into pedis, so I’d stay home and wish everyone in my life a happy day, read books and just do things on my own.

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, Rachel said:

I’m so sorry this day is so hard for so many people. 
 

My parents divorced when I was young, mom left Mother’s Day weekend. I haven’t had much of a relationship with her since. My stepmom, who helped raise me, wasn’t understanding about me grieving that relationship. Then a few years ago I had a late 1st trimester miscarriage on Mother’s Day. An already emotional day had another reminder of loss added to it. 
 

My family started a tradition of skipping church on Mother’s Day and either going hiking or camping instead. My kids get excited about doing something special for me,  but we have always kept it low key and not obligatory. 
 

I send a generic card to both my moms every year. My grandma on biomom’s side passed away in March and mom is grieving. I’m trying to decide if I should send flowers or just a card this year.  Even though it’s an emotional day for me, I don’t want my actions to turn the day into a dreaded day for them as well. 

I have often said that miscarriage and pregnancy loss create a sisterhood that one becomes a part of. Know that you are not alone. (((hugs)))

 

[Dmmetler]

Mother's Day has been hard for me anyway (as a mother of both dead and living children), and on DH since he lost his mother years ago. This year, I definitely expect it to be extremely hard. 

[Indigo Blue]

2 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Why is it so hard to find generic cards for these types of days? I can remember years of agonizing, looking for just the right card that didn’t say anything untrue (best parent ever! you’ve made my life wonderful!) and just offered wishes for a nice day. 

I have SO much guilt standing in the card aisle feeling like that. I’m glad I’m not alone. 

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, Spryte said:

Why is it so hard to find generic cards for these types of days? I can remember years of agonizing, looking for just the right card that didn’t say anything untrue (best parent ever! you’ve made my life wonderful!) and just offered wishes for a nice day. 
 

OP, I’d focus on spending time with people you love, doing things you love. We are a museum, exhibit family so my favorite days are getting out with family. Or sometimes we will go to a nice garden center that’s a bit of a drive, and come home to plant things. If spending time with kids is not an option, I’d do something for myself — maybe a pedi, if I wanted to go out. But these days I’m not really into pedis, so I’d stay home and wish everyone in my life a happy day, read books and just do things on my own.

Yes. Why do so many cards have superlatives and such? 

Thinking of You on Mother's Day (nobody ever said they were thinking happy thoughts )

Best Wishes on Mother's Day

Wishing You a Lovely Day this Mother's Day

 

I try to send cards to people who have lost their mother the following year and it's hard to find a card to just wish them well on this hard day. Also, I have a stepmom and I like sending her something but finding the right one is hard. She is a great lady, but she's not my mom and she doesn't try to be. But finding a card that expresses that complicated feelings is hard.

[Jenny in Florida]

Just for context: I have been estranged from my family of origin for more than two decades. And there are other, more complicated estrangements that I don't like to discuss publicly. Suffice to say that Mother's Day is problematic for me from a variety of angles.

Over the years, I have mostly encouraged my husband and kids to keep things very low key. When the kids were little, I appreciated hugs, homemade cards and being told not to worry about cooking for the day. When we got really ambitious, we'd go out to do something I enjoy, usually simple like hitting the garden department at the hardware store to pick up a plant or something to bring home. 

These days, it's a big year if I get a call or card from both kids, and that's fine.

This year, things have hit a new low for me in terms of dread, because my daughter and I had a big thing when she was here visiting a couple of months ago that has left our relationship very strained. And my husband is out of town for work that weekend. 

Honestly, I wish there were a way to go into a coma and miss the day entirely.

So, no helpful suggestions, but I can offer commiseration. 

[gardenmom5]

I'm all for blank cards and writing my own message.

 

I was raised to think 'cards' were important.  no - the card companies want you to think they're important.  People used to just write a note.  So - I'm being retro and writing a note in a blank card.  😜

[JustEm]

Hugs to all. My palms got sweaty and my breathing heavy when I started reading this post. I get anxiety attacks when any day revolving around me approaches. Mother's Day is not as bad as my birthday but with the reaction my body had to this thread I imagine it'll be bad this year.

[DawnM]

11 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I'm all for blank cards and writing my own message.

 

I was raised to think 'cards' were important.  no - the card companies want you to think they're important.  People used to just write a note.  So - I'm being retro and writing a note in a blank card.  😜

My parents are big card people too and I never understood it.   I usually just called my mom on Mother's Day.   

[happi duck]

My mom died when my oldest was a newborn.  (We were very close)  My first MD as a mom was my first without a mom.  

I have never felt like MD is for me.  It's just a day.  I hate when people ask dh "what are you all doing for happi duck today?" and he just has a blank stare.  It feels embarrassing.

Both my kids' godmothers have passed too soon and that adds to things too.

(hugs) to all

[HS Mom in NC]

6 hours ago, popmom said:

Very graciously I say…Not helpful. At all. Not even remotely. LOL 🙂 it’s much more complicated.

She knows it's incredibly complicated. She's just pointing out that no one is under obligation to send a card to their mother on Mother's Day and plenty of people need to hear that because some don't already know it.  I've had this conversation many times in many venues IRL and online and it's always a genuine surprise to someone in the group that they don't have to.  Many a person has stated their appreciation for being given permission not to send one at all after voicing similar feelings about similar circumstances. 

If the topic is too sensitive for anything other than exactly what you want hear, and no one can know exactly what you want to hear, you shouldn't put it out there for the whole world to comment on.  And here we have a JAWM norm to let people know that only comments directly in alignment with the original post are wanted.

[Jenny in Florida]

Yeah, I would be very happy to ignore it completely, just have it be any other Sunday. However, it's nearly impossible to ignore if you interact with the world at all.

[mommyoffive]

Thank you for starting this thread and making me remember I am not alone.  I will come back and read later as I have to run.  Sending some hugs to everyone.

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

Yeah, I would be very happy to ignore it completely, just have it be any other Sunday. However, it's nearly impossible to ignore if you interact with the world at all.

The only place I hear about M-day is this forum. It never comes up in my interaction with friends, colleagues, or family.

Edited April 25, 2022 by regentrude

[Jenny in Florida]

6 minutes ago, regentrude said:

The only place I hear about M-day is this forum. It never comes up in my interaction with friends, colleagues, or family.

Interesting. I've heard ads that accompany my podcasts, mentions within the podcasts themselves, mentions by the "DJ" on the NPR classical music feed I play during the work day. I've seen ads on various websites I visit. When I go into the drug store to pick up my prescriptions, I see advertising banners and an aisle full of greeting cards. The electronic newsletter for my homeowners' association included a reminder about the upcoming holiday. 

I forgot one: I have also received several fund-raising pleas from charitable organizations I support that are themed to the holiday. 

That's what I mean by "interacting with the world."

Edited April 25, 2022 by Jenny in Florida

[happi duck]

Ads everywhere.  My job involves Sundays so I need to be careful not to schedule anything on MD so need to know the date.  In church that day people are saying "happy MD" and asking about plans.  I wish it was ignorable for me.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

My parents are big card people too and I never understood it.   I usually just called my mom on Mother's Day.   

I think it may be the generation.  Affordable greeting cards were a new thing with my grandmother's generation.  and considering how much the suckers cost . . . said "I have money to waste on this card that is full of sappy drivel.  Don't you feel special?"  (and all I have to do is sign my name - I don't have to give it any thought!)

Like I said - I'd rather send (and *receive*) a handwritten note.

10 minutes ago, happi duck said:

Ads everywhere.  My job involves Sundays so I need to be careful not to schedule anything on MD so need to know the date.  In church that day people are saying "happy MD" and asking about plans.  I wish it was ignorable for me.

Second Sunday in May.  It ping pongs between my birthday and 1ds's birthday.  (I went into labor on MD evening . . . . If he'd been born one day earlier . . . Nordstrom had brought gift bags to all the new moms on MD. . . .  - at least his BD will never hit MD.)

I'm ambivalent about ignoring the day as dh insists on doing dinner  (he cooks) - but the year my sil *announced* (she rarely "asks".) she was having a big party to celebrate MD for mil on MY BIRTHDAY (because Saturday was more convenient than Sunday for her), and I could just celebrate my birthday on MD . . . . It grated the entire time I was there, so I just left.

And the talks in church . . . some, . . are tolerable.  some. . . gag. me. with. a. spork.  gee, nice to know you had such a cloyingly sweet great mother . . . . (as opposed to a 'great mother'.)

Usually they'd pass out flowers or chocolate.  One Bishop decided to pass out "mothers are important" booklets* . . .Gag me with half a dozen sporks . . .  give me the dead flowers or chocolate thank you very much.

*I'd take them to be polite, eventually I'd just trash them.  I finally stopped taking them, since I was just going to trash it anyways.   It was great when we got a Bishop who went back to the dead flowers or chocolate. (or both!)

My most favorite MD talk ever was by a teenage girl whose mom was out of town.  It was a litany of one disaster after another.   water with the cereal because there was no milk.  everyone running late because they didn't know where things were, (or clothes were wet in the washing machine) etc.

 

[Indigo Blue]

After an attempt at an uplifting post, here’s one that’s not so much. So much negativity and drama at Christmas, OP. As soon as Mother’s Day is over, it won’t be long before I’ll start dreading thinking about that. But for now, the weather is beautiful and we’re thinking positive thoughts……

[Sneezyone]

My children and DH have always given me the gift of peace and quiet for Mother’s Day but, this year, I think I’m going to ask the kids to cook dinner and go to a wine festival with DH. I'm on call 364/365. Mother’s Day is my day off. 🤣

Edited April 25, 2022 by Sneezyone

[popmom]

4 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

I'm all for blank cards and writing my own message.

 

I was raised to think 'cards' were important.  no - the card companies want you to think they're important.  People used to just write a note.  So - I'm being retro and writing a note in a blank card.  😜

I just did this for the first time for my dad’s birthday. I think it’ll work for Mother’s Day, too.

[Sneezyone]

11 hours ago, popmom said:

Come on in. I have had very low contact with my (abusive, borderline, narc) mother since last July. I HATE Mother’s Day. Always have. It’s agonizing trying to pick out a card because I’ve never experienced anything like what the cards say. It’s such a lie. This is the first Mother’s Day since I’ve gone low contact. I want to do something for myself. I’m okay with mailing a token card, but I really want to do something for myself. If you struggle similarly, what do you do to get through?

FTR- I no longer send cards. We went from low contact to no contact last year. In my childhood, Mother’s Day meant we had to do some stupid thing to prove our love, as if everything else we did to stay on the good foot year round meant nothing. If nothing else, you can sit back with a cuppa Joe and a book and throw blanket while watching the grass grow and appreciate (hopefully) how different your own parent/child relationships are.

[popmom]

9 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

sorry

 

4 hours ago, HS Mom in NC said:

She knows it's incredibly complicated. She's just pointing out that no one is under obligation to send a card to their mother on Mother's Day and plenty of people need to hear that because some don't already know it.  I've had this conversation many times in many venues IRL and online and it's always a genuine surprise to someone in the group that they don't have to.  Many a person has stated their appreciation for being given permission not to send one at all after voicing similar feelings about similar circumstances. 

If the topic is too sensitive for anything other than exactly what you want hear, and no one can know exactly what you want to hear, you shouldn't put it out there for the whole world to comment on.  And here we have a JAWM norm to let people know that only comments directly in alignment with the original post are wanted.

This seems a little intense. My comment was meant to be a bit tongue in cheek. I guess “lol” and emojis didn’t convey that. Anyone is welcome to give their advice whether it helps or not. 😉
 

The whole MD and FD concept needs to just go away. It’s problematic for many more reasons than me just having a really hard time with it. 

Edited April 25, 2022 by popmom

[Loowit]

I hated mother's day for the years I was dealing with infertility issues.  It was especially hard going to church service that morning.  I get along okay with my mom but we aren't super close.  She never expected anything from us on mother's day, but I usually send her a card in the mail.  I am not sure mother's day was her favorite.  Usually she ended up spending it with her MIL, whom she didn't get along with instead of getting to see her own mom.

Since my first mother's day as a mom after DD was born, I have spent the day at home watching movies I picked and getting take-out.  My kids were welcome to join in if they wanted or not, up to them.  I try not to put much pressure on them to do things for me.

I always still feel a prickle of pain and sympathy for those that mother's day is tough on.  Those that can't have children, who have lost children, had a difficult relationship with their own mom, lost their mom, etc.

[Arcadia]

My parents do not celebrate mother’s day or father’s day. They don’t celebrate their own birthdays either. So while my mom passed away recently, it would not hurt extra hard on mother’s day. 
My in-laws want a meal and gifts for mother’s day and father’s day. We just pay our share of the costs. It makes life simple for us. We just get a text message before the event of estimated cost and a text message after of actual cost. My husband was looked after mainly by his late paternal grandma so she is who he missed badly. His grandma was more impartial, less prejudiced and less self centered than my FIL and MIL. 

[Jenny in Florida]

1 hour ago, Sneezyone said:

If nothing else, you can sit back with a cuppa Joe and a book and throw blanket while watching the grass grow and appreciate (hopefully) how different your own parent/child relationships are.

I used to take comfort in that. However, since my kids stopped speaking to each other and my daughter is barely speaking to me . . .

[Indigo Blue]

This thread (and past threads) have made me so much more aware of so many reasons Mother’s Day is hard for so many. For so long, I enjoyed the Mother’s Days as a young mother when I had sweet boys who loved to make homemade cards and such. It was such a joy and I was oblivious. All the people just having such a hard time with it….it truly is understandable that some don’t want to celebrate or attend church on that day. 

[ShepCarlin]

I struggle with it for a few reasons. One is like others have said, I see it as a Hallmark holiday. I don't like the idea of my husband and boys feeling obligated to let me know how much they love me and appreciate me. Honestly, they do that all they time and I'd rather have that than a forced, commercial effort. 

My mom and I aren't super close but she lives about an hour away. Years ago when my paternal grandmother was still alive, I would started hosting a Mother's Day brunch for them. My grandmother has since passed away but now my dad just expects that is what I'm going to do. I don't really mind it per se, I'd rather do the brunch at home than go out but I resent that I am expected to do so. My two brothers send her cards and that's it. As the only daughter, much is expected of me and nothing is expected of my brothers. Same with birthdays, Christmas and anniversaries.

I just want to treat it like a regular Sunday but that's just not the case. 

[popmom]

10 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

 

On the slight bright side, it has made us much more conscious of our relationships with our kids.  For Mother's Day this year I'm asking for 2 things: a wine and cheese night with dh (he works that day, sadly, so we only have the late evening together) and a hike with my kids - who are glad to go explore a new place.

I love the idea of exploring a new place. 
 

I also really identify with wanting to spend the weekend in a coma. 😂 I can’t remember who said that up thread. 
 

I don’t expect anything from my kids. I may skip church, but my church doesn’t make a big deal about MD or FD. My pastor will likely continue teaching through his current series. I really appreciate that.

[Melissa Louise]

What I really dislike about it is how I  raised non-obligated kids (rightly) who don't feel pressure to mark 'made up days' like M Day etc.

But I still feel obligated, so I always spend time with my mother on the day, get a gift etc, and then end up feeling as though I must be quite worthless to be a daughter giving but not a mother receiving. 

 

 

[popmom]

13 minutes ago, Melissa Louise said:

What I really dislike about it is how I  raised non-obligated kids (rightly) who don't feel pressure to mark 'made up days' like M Day etc.

But I still feel obligated, so I always spend time with my mother on the day, get a gift etc, and then end up feeling as though I must be quite worthless to be a daughter giving but not a mother receiving. 

 

 

This is how I’ve always felt. And even my own mother has felt this way. It’s crazy.
 

This is the first year I feel released from that obligation. So now the day just intensifies the deep sadness and loss I feel. My dad’s birthday was the 23rd. I tried to call and figured out he’d blocked me. I sort of think my mom did it, but I can’t be sure. My mom hasn’t blocked me on her phone, so I think it may be her way of making sure I CANNOT have a relationship with my dad. (He “butt dialed” me recently, so I called him back. My mom probably heard or something. That’s the only thing I can think of) Anyway, it was a horrible feeling. I’m still really struggling over it. 

Edited April 25, 2022 by popmom

[Kassia]

@popmom I'm sorry.  😞

[popmom]

8 minutes ago, Kassia said:

@popmom I'm sorry.  😞

Thank you. It is what it is. 😢

[BakersDozen]

8 hours ago, hjffkj said:

My palms got sweaty and my breathing heavy when I started reading this post. I get anxiety attacks when any day revolving around me approaches. Mother's Day is not as bad as my birthday but with the reaction my body had to this thread I imagine it'll be bad this year.

The physical response is unnerving and quite dreadful. If I had the means I would honestly disappear (with my dc) until after M's Day and my bday (June).

[scholastica]

2 hours ago, ShepCarlin said:

I struggle with it for a few reasons. One is like others have said, I see it as a Hallmark holiday. I don't like the idea of my husband and boys feeling obligated to let me know how much they love me and appreciate me. Honestly, they do that all they time and I'd rather have that than a forced, commercial effort. 

My mom and I aren't super close but she lives about an hour away. Years ago when my paternal grandmother was still alive, I would started hosting a Mother's Day brunch for them. My grandmother has since passed away but now my dad just expects that is what I'm going to do. I don't really mind it per se, I'd rather do the brunch at home than go out but I resent that I am expected to do so. My two brothers send her cards and that's it. As the only daughter, much is expected of me and nothing is expected of my brothers. Same with birthdays, Christmas and anniversaries.

I just want to treat it like a regular Sunday but that's just not the case. 

You can always say “ I’m sorry, this just doesn’t work for me anymore. Here are some options that would.”

[JustEm]

19 minutes ago, BakersDozen said:

The physical response is unnerving and quite dreadful. If I had the means I would honestly disappear (with my dc) until after M's Day and my bday (June).

Last birthday was particularly bad for me. Dh, the most thoughtful man in the world who shows me he loves me every single day of the year, really dropped the ball. For some reason my birthday is a day he fails at but keeps on insisting on trying again each year. 

Because of last year I told him this year I am really considering heading to the beach by myself for the night. We'll see if I follow through.