Money, frustrated, need advice

[Hilltopmom]

On evening/ weekend jobs with extended hours: hospitals and nursing homes have all hours shifts available, 24/7/365

I put myself through college partly as a phlebotomist working early AM shift before classes and late evening shifts after classes and my day job. 
Our local nursing home provides and pays staff for their training to become a nurses aides and does signing bonuses.

For your dh- I used to provide in home special Ed services after school or on weekends for preschoolers with disabilities. The county reimbursement rate was $60 for a 30 min session. Summer school usually pays well too.

Now, I teach online asynchronous professional development classes for local teachers through our college and it’s rather lucrative for the amount of work. (I’m saving for some big ticket purchases now that ds is out of college- new siding)

Other teachers adjunct as the college always need education instructors- he could teach a class a week after he finished his Masters.

Edited April 22, 2022 by Hilltopmom

[KungFuPanda]

If one of his side jobs pays less than you’d gain in food stamps, then it might work in your favor to eliminate or reduce that job. Making $100 less to gain hundreds in food purchases seems like a good play. 

[SKL]

Yeah I think if you need the truck, it can also be used as car #3 and you can still sell 2 vehicles at least.

[Soror]

(hugs)

It is a hard time right now for many. The smaller the margin in your budget the less you can absorb the inflation. Those that aren't feeling this are making many times more than the rest of us. Dh is making more now but we are still solidly middle class. We are feeling it too. I really feel for those that are stretched even tighter.It is hard making it on a single income these days. Unless that single earner is highly compensated. I always thought that I could cut things back enough we could live on whatever. We didn't need much money yada yada yada. It's lies. There is only so much you can cut back, you do need a minimal amount to live and live comfortably. Our bills are pretty small--- smaller than most people I know but raising kids costs money. When the essentials costs so much it doesn't leave much for crap. 

My dh is going to school for his Bachelor's right now. It has been hard as hell on him and our family but a pretty good pay bump for him and the opportunity for advancement. Sounds like for your dh the big plus of the Master's is the ability to move into administration where he can actually get some decent pay. I'd be keeping that in mind as the end goal. (And to add I sympathize with you guys on the dh in college and being hella busy-- it is rough)

I started a PT at home job a few years ago when dh's job situation was looking very bleak- very good chance of plant closing and a period of reduced pay/hours. I know people work all the time and it should have been NBD but I really struggled. It was only the point when we were desperate and it looked imminent that I could force myself to make that leap. The first steps were rough. My anxiety was sky high but it did get better, rather quickly really. I worked for nearly 3.5 yrs but the job I did ended and the only other jobs I could get that were similar paid much less. At the same time, dh had gotten a raise.

I'd be looking closely at the numbers- is it worth it for you to go back?

- what will you lose in other benefits? (dont' forget to look at college aid too)

- can you find a job that makes comparable to one of dh's jobs and take that on so he doesn't have to work so much (or as pp mentioned is it worthwhile for dh to quit a job to qualify for health insurance- it is a shame state workers don't qualify anyway with the paltry pay)

-if you are not budgeting in some way I'd do that- when the money is tight every penny needs to be counted- I've found YNAB to be most helpful but it costs money we did get half off the first year with dh as a student-- but really you can use a spreadsheet or pen and paper-- whatever works

-I'd be selling vehicles too--- I know with multiple drivers in a rural area you need some and it is not going to make much difference on insurance but it will help some and that money can be put towards---- Efund--- if you don't have one already you need one because if you don't have margin any emergency is going to wreck you--- and towards the car debt (or any other debt that you might have that is higher interest). Personally, I'd keep whatever is newer and most reliable(since you said the newest is still 10 yrs old). Cars are selling for a premium now so it is a good time to sell. I'd keep the ones that are newer because it is an awful time to buy and you don't want to have to look for one if one breaks and you don't have lots of extra money for car repairs. Driving older cars has been one way we've managed on lower pay but car repairs can kill you if they get too old/unreliable. 

-fwiw my 17 yr old has a PT job too- his pay goes towards his car insurance, gas, and spending money. When my daughter turns 16 it will be the same for her. She already has a little PT job to give her some spending money. 

Best wishes coming up with a plan that works! Sometimes we just get stuck and need to put it all out there. Sometimes we are so in the middle of things it is harder to see the big picture. It is a rough time for many right now, you are not alone.

Edited April 22, 2022 by Soror

[Emba]

Someone up thread mentioned you working for the school district as a possibility. That seems like it would be worth looking into. Of course, it may depend on how it works with your homeschooling.  My mom (who had been a SAHM) started working as a teacher’s aide when I was in high school. She just retired from it this year. It worked well with the schedules of my younger siblings ( I was oldest, and we were all public schooled). It was a small rural district, and always in need of teachers, and they would have paid for the college classes necessary to get her a teachers certification, but she didn’t want to teach a whole class. I do know several teachers in my kids school who started as aides and the school helped them get certified. So that might be something to look into, especially if public school is an option for your kids.

 If not, I’d like to encourage you about work in general. This past year I started work out of the home for the first time in 15 years. We were not struggling to make ends  meet, but I knew with my kids getting into high school and one about to drive, our expenses would be increasing.

I found a part time job that really is a sort of unicorn for me in that it perfectly fits my childrens’ school schedule, so I can pick them up at the bus every day. One day a week is at night, but I start work after I pick them up, and they are old enough not to need a babysitter, so it works.

its not a perfect job, it’s restaurant work, and ‘low status’ which I feel some kind of way about some days, since I have a college degree, but the extra money is nice, and really I don’t mind the work, and being competent outside of the house among other adults is rewarding in a way that is good for me, though ymmv in that one.

 But I don’t think of this as my permanent job. When my kids get older , I’d really like to get a job at the public library, or something else that I find more personally rewarding. What you start with is not what you have to stick with. My mom worked a couple of other jobs before starting at the school. I figure having a current employer as a reference, instead of a 15 year gap, is worth something. And really the great thing about my job now is that I don’t take any stress home. When I clock out I don’t worry about work, which was not true of some higher responsibility jobs I’ve had in the past.

 

[Longtime Lurker]

18 hours ago, seemesew said:

2. My husband reminded me that one reason we haven't pushed for me to work is due to insurance. Right now because of our income we get a lower insurance and if I start working we no longer get it. Then any amount I make would only go towards the insurance premiums. In this area with what I'm likely to make would not or barely cover those so we would be in same spot or worse than we are now. Unless it is a significant increase over $15 an hour it actually costs us more for me to work. 

It sounds like you are getting your health insurance through the ACA Marketplace because it costs you less than insurance through your DH's employer. However, please be sure that you are actually eligible to receive subsidies after turning down employer-based insurance. You cannot just choose to get ACA subsidies instead of employer-based coverage unless the premiums for the employee only (DH) exceed 9.61% of your household income, which would be rare for teacher insurance.

https://www.healthcare.gov/glossary/affordable-coverage/ 

It unfortunately does not matter how much the cost is for you and your children to be added to the policy. This issue has been referred to as the "family glitch" and there is legislation proposed to correct this issue. 

https://www.healthaffairs.org/do/10.1377/forefront.20220405.571745/  

If you have been receiving subsidies but are not actually eligible, you could end up have to pay back thousands of dollars. So please double check this!

Edited April 22, 2022 by Longtime Lurker
clarification

[happi duck]

Our local food pantries don't check income and allow people to get groceries once a month.  They give approximately $300 worth of food at a time.  Might be worth looking at what pantries serve your area.

[Emba]

As far as kids driving/working: 

DD is very close to having her driver’s license. We are looking at options for a vehicle for her right now and even older used cars are high. We live rurally and it will take a great burden off of me as far as the kids extra curriculars go when she can drive. We already have three vehicles so right now it looks like she will be driving the old 4 wheel drive farm truck for awhile. We’ve also made clear that on days she doesn’t have anything after school, she can ride the bus.

 She also just got a part time job at the same place I work. While I don’t expect my kids to pay for food/rent while still in high school, and we’ll pay for car insurance and some gas in return for her driving herself and siblings to extra curriculars, I will expect some of her money to go towards school clothes and her own expenses next year. She is fully on board with this idea, and in fact it seems to me that both my teenagers don’t feel like paying for their own clothes and extra curricular expenses is a burden but a welcome chance to be a little independent. I seem to remember feeling that way about my own expenses at that age, too.  I don’t know if that’s family culture or just naturally teenage desire for independence.

 Regarding what is a true necessity and what isn’t, what are your cell phone expenses? I know that many families see kids phones as a necessity even from elementary school, but we’ve found no real need for them until high school, and right now my 14 year old and my 16 year old share a phone. I also don’t buy shoes and clothes automatically at the beginning of the school year, but take stock and buy only as needed, when needed. That was a big mindset shift for me for me, I don’t know why.  I also buy used whenever possible, though I kind of assume you’re already doing that.

[Dianthus]

4 hours ago, Lady Marmalade said:

Spinning off on the above suggestions about the garden and chickens...

We have chickens, the max we are allowed to have in our village, and anytime DH has been working outside lately, people walking by have stopped and asked if we sold our eggs.  We don't, but everyone wants some!

Other than feed and the initial outlay for a coop, chickens are really cheap.  If you had any inclination, you could raise chickens, plant a good garden, and then have a successful produce stand.  Everyone is looking for affordable options to feed their family.  Grow a garden for your own family, but plant extra and reap the financial benefits of selling to everyone driving by.  

Yes, I have a friend that makes a lot selling eggs. Though I heard feed prices will go up with grain prices.

 

@seemesew, I don't know that I saw your kids ages. Are they all older? Could you babysit another child during the day? Watching other people's kids doesn't really appeal to me, but I would consider it if needed to maintain our homeschool lifestyle. Also may be able to work under the table that way and not affect your insurance. Same with things like housecleaning. I pay for alterations, but I would not be happy if my clothes were ruined by bad alterations and I would expect them to be replaced. Not sure your level of skill but good alterations are hard to come by. Do you have any farmers markets or other venues where you could sell sewn items? Or set up a website? I wish I could buy a sturdy insulated grocery bag that wasn't made in china. I would love to find someone who made those. Or regular shopping bags? Or something for babies? If in a wintry area, could make and sell carseat covers. My daughter made really nice swaddle blankets for our last baby, which I thought she could have made into a business (she sews). I don't have a lot of ideas, but maybe you could think of something in this direction.

[BlsdMama]

16 hours ago, seemesew said:

We don't right now because it's $800 for just 2 people. I can't imagine what it would be for all 7 of us. 

Our coverage for family is the same for 2 or 12.  It’s either individual coverage (1) or family (2+.)

16 hours ago, DawnM said:

If he works for a school district, the spouse is the biggest expense.  The kids are "buy one get as many as you want."  🤣

Yep

12 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Do you have full insurance coverage on all of these vehicles? If you can switch the less used vehicles to liability only, you can save substantial money.

 

And I did want to tell you that it's not only that your dh isn't able to make as much money as is needed, its that prices have skyrocketed. EVERYTHING. COSTS. SO. MUCH. these days. Grocery shopping stresses me out nowadays because of it. If you live in the country, can you grow some of your veggies in the summer?

Even liability coverage is $60+/mo per vehicle for us. Five vehicles? Why specifically? We’ve had to rethink what we considered “have to have” because the budget wasn’t getting bigger so the monthly outlay had to change. 

[fairfarmhand]

19 minutes ago, Emba said:

 

 She also just got a part time job at the same place I work. While I don’t expect my kids to pay for food/rent while still in high school, and we’ll pay for car insurance and some gas in return for her driving herself and siblings to extra curriculars, I will expect some of her money to go towards school clothes and her own expenses next year. She is fully on board with this idea, and in fact it seems to me that both my teenagers don’t feel like paying for their own clothes and extra curricular expenses is a burden but a welcome chance to be a little independent. I seem to remember feeling that way about my own expenses at that age, too.  I don’t know if that’s family culture or just naturally teenage desire for independence.

 

This has been my experience with my kids as well. THey drive a family car until they have saved up enough $ to buy a used car. They're all SO PROUD of that big, grownup purchase.

 

OP, does your dh do any of hte shopping for the household? If not he may not have a practical idea of how much costs have increased. It's one thing to hear your wife say, "prices have gone up." and know in your head that things are more expensive. It's an entirely different thing to look at a grocery cart that has fewer things in it and costs MORE than it did 2 years ago. 

OP, I think what has happened for your family is that with the costs of things increasing, what used to be comfortable, if not a bit tight at times, has gotten out of balance. You will probably need to drastically upend your life.

The good news is that your family will adjust. We've had times in our marriage and in our growing up years, where every expenditure was examined in the light of "Is this a need or a want?" And when you start really getting down to it, so many things that we get used to are wants not needs. I grew up in poverty. Here are the things that we did as a matter of course. We didn't think about it because there was no other alternative. I'm not saying that you're wasteful, and in fact, you may already be doing these things. But, I'm going to toss these out there.

1. Odd jobs. My mother did random work at random times, while still staying at home for the most part. She did deliveries for awhile, did childcare, did respite care for a foster mom. She would help clean houses, just random things that helped fill the gaps.

2. All gifts and clothing came from thrift stores or hand me downs. most of the only clothes we got new were underclothes and bathing suits. 

3. Eating out was an occasional treat. By occasional, I mean that when we took a long trip, we;d get a hamburger and fries to split with a sibling at McD's. We never got hot lunches at school, we brought lunchboxes.  

4. We drank water and iced tea. No juice, Milk was occasional. Sodas were a rare treat. 

5. No snacking between meals. If we did have dessert treats, it was something homemade and cheap like oatmeal cookies or Jello. We learned to fill up at meals and not count on an in between meal snack.

6. We always got the store brand of everything, including deodorant, shampoo, etc.

7.  All activities were free or low cost. (Except for music lessons. Mom did make room in the budget for that, though I really don't know how.)

8, WE ate the same 8 to 10 meals every month. They were all cheap and filling. But not fancy. Lots of rice, lots of pasta, lots of beans, lots of soup/chili.  Almost everything was made from scratch, as in no pancake mixes, frozen waffles, etc. 

9. My dh's family often put off running the heat and air as long as possible in the hot/cold months. He still remembers the hum of box fans in the windows. Even then the thermostat was tightly controlled and people were told to put on extra socks and sweaters to stay warm in the winter.

10. No allowances. My kids learned to do chores for extra money, but sometimes there just was no money for that kind of thing anyway, so they learned to ask for certain things for birthdays.

11. We were responsible for anything extra as teens with money earned outside the home. I babysat and my dh got a job at 15. I bought my own makeup and any toiletries that I wanted that were not store brand. My dh didn't like the way his mother cut his hair so he started paying for his own haircuts at a local barber shop. Then he and his brothers learned to  cut each other's hair so they did that. 

12. Clothing was re-worn unless it was actually dirty. (except for underclothes and socks) This was only till we moved to FL and everything stayed sweaty 9 months out of the year, but sitting in a classroom doesn't necessarily dirty one's clothing, nor does attending church for 2 hours.  This allows clothes to last longer too as well as saving on work for washing and water/electric for laundry.

13. We used a clothesline almost all the time, even in winter.

 

These things sound very drastic to some people, but normal life for many others. I'm not saying you aren't already doing some or all of them, but you can definitely retrain the family to do these things and hopefully build in some wiggle room in the budget.

You may need to do all these things AND get a job.  Many people do.

I really think that one of my mom's super powers is that she had a very unruffled, easy going demeanor, When she was working and the housework wasn't done exactly as she preferred. she was able to let things go. She was able to be unaffected by the frustration of having to work so hard to help make ends meet. She was just JOYFUL no matter how hard it was, 

 

[Dianthus]

2 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I really think that one of my mom's super powers is that she had a very unruffled, easy going demeanor, When she was working and the housework wasn't done exactly as she preferred. she was able to let things go. She was able to be unaffected by the frustration of having to work so hard to help make ends meet. She was just JOYFUL no matter how hard it was, 

I wish I had this super power.

[J-rap]

I haven’t read all the replies since I’m on my phone and reading through everything always feels harder… A couple thoughts: When my dh was going to school full time and working part time and I was home with toddlers and babies, we qualified for WIC which was immensely helpful. Not sure what your kids’ ages are and if WIC is even still around.  Another thought if your kids are a little older and you feel comfortable being away 2-3 nights/week:   A friend of mine worked as a night aide(? not sure if that’s the correct term) at a group home for disabled adults. Her shift was 11pm to 7am and she mostly just slept there. They mostly just needed someone there for emergencies. Working three nights/week there was enough for them to meet their budget.

[fairfarmhand]

27 minutes ago, Spirea said:

I wish I had this super power.

Me too.  Lest anyone think we had a deprived childhood, please don't think that. My mom was so cheerful and positive, and we took our lifestyle for granted that we didn't know we were poor. 

[DawnM]

54 minutes ago, Spirea said:

I wish I had this super power.

me too

25 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Me too.  Lest anyone think we had a deprived childhood, please don't think that. My mom was so cheerful and positive, and we took our lifestyle for granted that we didn't know we were poor. 

I had the opposite mom, she had a lot of issues.   I am trying to do better.

[seemesew]

Some great ideas here! 

So first off getting chickens is a great idea but not here since they get killed by wild animals so easily. We'd have have to build or buy a coop to keep them safe. Also we don't eat eggs much so I buy them cheaper from a friend than from the store. Selling would not make us any money since we live in the country and everyone else has chickens too. 

Our bills are fairly low already, for both my husband's and my cell phone we pay $25 a month. My kids have to pay for own if they want one.

My kids only get basics right now and anything extra they buy themselves. For Christmas and birthdays we buy used where ever we can and don't spend much on them. I know many people who spend more on 1 kid than we do on all 5. Clothing is used unless new is cheaper or I can't find it used.

As far as car insurance we have the minimum on all cars except for my van and now the newer car. It's really not that bad but we can cut back. We are definitely selling one of the cars but we will be keeping the others for now. My son basically pays for the one he drives so it's really only 3 cars on our end. It may be a luxury to keep one for trash but living in the country we can't always put the trash/rubbish we have in the dumpsters at work and a service is over $100 a month so it's actually cheaper to keep it even if that's all we use it for.

As far as insurance we are on Medicaid so we actually can't get cheaper. My husband and will probably not be able to be on it next year because the district is giving him a raise (but it's not a raise because they are also raising their insurance costs and other stuff so we will actually do worse with this raise so don't get excited).

We don't subscribe to anything. Our Internet is free. We do budget and we do so very carefully. We don't have many pet costs. 

Our plan as of this week: sell 1 car, sell anything we don't really need, and I'm also selling some curriculum. We are checking out all the costs of everything and seeing what will actually benefit us more, me working, him working less, ECT.

I really appreciate all the advice! I feel better after hearing all your thoughts, it has helped me realize things we can change and also things we are already doing towards being frugal! 

Thank you everyone!!!

 

[Longtime Lurker]

11 minutes ago, seemesew said:

Our plan as of this week: sell 1 car, sell anything we don't really need, and I'm also selling some curriculum. We are checking out all the costs of everything and seeing what will actually benefit us more, me working, him working less, ECT.

Good plan! This will bring in some money from the sale plus eliminate insurance and registration costs.

[fairfarmhand]

28 minutes ago, seemesew said:

Some great ideas here! 

So first off getting chickens is a great idea but not here since they get killed by wild animals so easily. We'd have have to build or buy a coop to keep them safe. Also we don't eat eggs much so I buy them cheaper from a friend than from the store. Selling would not make us any money since we live in the country and everyone else has chickens too. 

Our bills are fairly low already, for both my husband's and my cell phone we pay $25 a month. My kids have to pay for own if they want one.

My kids only get basics right now and anything extra they buy themselves. For Christmas and birthdays we buy used where ever we can and don't spend much on them. I know many people who spend more on 1 kid than we do on all 5. Clothing is used unless new is cheaper or I can't find it used.

As far as car insurance we have the minimum on all cars except for my van and now the newer car. It's really not that bad but we can cut back. We are definitely selling one of the cars but we will be keeping the others for now. My son basically pays for the one he drives so it's really only 3 cars on our end. It may be a luxury to keep one for trash but living in the country we can't always put the trash/rubbish we have in the dumpsters at work and a service is over $100 a month so it's actually cheaper to keep it even if that's all we use it for.

As far as insurance we are on Medicaid so we actually can't get cheaper. My husband and will probably not be able to be on it next year because the district is giving him a raise (but it's not a raise because they are also raising their insurance costs and other stuff so we will actually do worse with this raise so don't get excited).

We don't subscribe to anything. Our Internet is free. We do budget and we do so very carefully. We don't have many pet costs. 

Our plan as of this week: sell 1 car, sell anything we don't really need, and I'm also selling some curriculum. We are checking out all the costs of everything and seeing what will actually benefit us more, me working, him working less, ECT.

I really appreciate all the advice! I feel better after hearing all your thoughts, it has helped me realize things we can change and also things we are already doing towards being frugal! 

Thank you everyone!!!

 

It sounds like you are already living very simply. That's great. It does make it harder to "find" money though. It really does sound like you may need to get a job. And yes, chickens can be difficult in certain areas, meaning that it could take you a couple years to recoup your costs of a pen and henhouse. 

You're not alone. My friend is in the same situation. She and her husband are both doctors running their own practice and between taxes and medical expenses, they are still struggling. They don't live extravagant lives so it's even more discouraging. 

[Catwoman]

I think you are off to a good start, but one thing that seems important to address with your dh is his aversion to making more money for religious reasons. 

You are already living very frugally and it sounds like you deprive yourselves and the kids of a lot of things you would probably all like to have, so I don’t understand your dh’s mentality that seems to say that him making more money is some sort of sin. 

Seriously, it’s a lot of work for you to have to pinch pennies the way you do, and wouldn’t it be nice to sometimes be able to buy things like new clothes for your kids in current styles and specific toys and other things that they would really like to have? That’s not easy when you’re buying everything secondhand. It’s a lot of work for you, too! Also, if you are barely covering the bills, what will you do when it’s time for your dh to retire or, heaven forbid, if something happens and he’s unable to work? And if anyone in the family ever has a serious medical problem, you will need savings to pay those bills.

 I can understand being super-frugal now, because money is very tight, but it almost sounds like your dh is fine with living that way forever, and I’m wondering if you’re really ok with that. I would seriously suggest that you have a discussion about this, because if anything ever happens to him and you are left alone with kids to raise, this “excess money is bad” attitude could really come back to bite you.

 I’m sorry — I don’t mean to lecture you, but I always worry when I see a mom with several kids who has a dh who has that kind of belief. If your dh was physically unable to earn more money both now and in the future, that would be a different story, but it sounds like this is a mindset issue.

[fairfarmhand]

12 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I think you are off to a good start, but one thing that seems important to address with your dh is his aversion to making more money for religious reasons. 

You are already living very frugally and it sounds like you deprive yourselves and the kids of a lot of things you would probably all like to have, so I don’t understand your dh’s mentality that seems to say that him making more money is some sort of sin. 

Seriously, it’s a lot of work for you to have to pinch pennies the way you do, and wouldn’t it be nice to sometimes be able to buy things like new clothes for your kids in current styles and specific toys and other things that they would really like to have? That’s not easy when you’re buying everything secondhand. It’s a lot of work for you, too! Also, if you are barely covering the bills, what will you do when it’s time for your dh to retire or, heaven forbid, if something happens and he’s unable to work? And if anyone in the family ever has a serious medical problem, you will need savings to pay those bills.

 I can understand being super-frugal now, because money is very tight, but it almost sounds like your dh is fine with living that way forever, and I’m wondering if you’re really ok with that. I would seriously suggest that you have a discussion about this, because if anything ever happens to him and you are left alone with kids to raise, this “excess money is bad” attitude could really come back to bite you.

 I’m sorry — I don’t mean to lecture you, but I always worry when I see a mom with several kids who has a dh who has that kind of belief. If your dh was physically unable to earn more money both now and in the future, that would be a different story, but it sounds like this is a mindset issue.

It's also possible that dh is very uncomfortable discussing money (some men feel like a failure if their work doesn't provide enough) and deflects the discomfort with the smart aleck comment that smacks of their religious superiority since they don't make enough. 

I seldom see people honestly believe that earning more is wrong, but I can picture someone not wanting to acknowledge the truth twisting stuff so their decisions are justified.

Honestly, though, for the OP's family to go from where they are now to VERY wealthy would be completely unrealistic. 

Most likely, dh doesn't like to face the realities of their situation and wants to shut down discussion that way. I could be wrong, I'm just a random stranger on the internet.

[seemesew]

14 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I think you are off to a good start, but one thing that seems important to address with your dh is his aversion to making more money for religious reasons. 

You are already living very frugally and it sounds like you deprive yourselves and the kids of a lot of things you would probably all like to have, so I don’t understand your dh’s mentality that seems to say that him making more money is some sort of sin. 

Seriously, it’s a lot of work for you to have to pinch pennies the way you do, and wouldn’t it be nice to sometimes be able to buy things like new clothes for your kids in current styles and specific toys and other things that they would really like to have? That’s not easy when you’re buying everything secondhand. It’s a lot of work for you, too! Also, if you are barely covering the bills, what will you do when it’s time for your dh to retire or, heaven forbid, if something happens and he’s unable to work? And if anyone in the family ever has a serious medical problem, you will need savings to pay those bills.

 I can understand being super-frugal now, because money is very tight, but it almost sounds like your dh is fine with living that way forever, and I’m wondering if you’re really ok with that. I would seriously suggest that you have a discussion about this, because if anything ever happens to him and you are left alone with kids to raise, this “excess money is bad” attitude could really come back to bite you.

 I’m sorry — I don’t mean to lecture you, but I always worry when I see a mom with several kids who has a dh who has that kind of belief. If your dh was physically unable to earn more money both now and in the future, that would be a different story, but it sounds like this is a mindset issue.

We actually discussed this at length and made some good progress! He also is looking into ways to earn more in his current profession like when he finished his master's he can apply for different levels and certificatios that will give him a decent raise. So we are definitely making better progress. It's going to take that's I think for him to see what you've all been saying but I'm going to keep at helping him.

I may need to work and I'm not writing that off. But while I do have older kids I also have very young ones and it's hard to find something that will work with all the schedules we have between older kids and my husband working too. But I'm not saying I won't work I'm just not jumping at it just yet while we sell some stuff and figure out some things.

[seemesew]

2 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

It's also possible that dh is very uncomfortable discussing money (some men feel like a failure if their work doesn't provide enough) and deflects the discomfort with the smart aleck comment that smacks of their religious superiority since they don't make enough. 

I seldom see people honestly believe that earning more is wrong, but I can picture someone not wanting to acknowledge the truth twisting stuff so their decisions are justified.

Honestly, though, for the OP's family to go from where they are now to VERY wealthy would be completely unrealistic. 

Most likely, dh doesn't like to face the realities of their situation and wants to shut down discussion that way. I could be wrong, I'm just a random stranger on the internet.

This is very likely ❤️

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, seemesew said:

This is very likely ❤️

My dh gets defensive when he feels that he's not enough or good enough. I find that prefacing things as "This is our family problem" and "How can WE solve this problem" and "I know you are absolutely working your hardest and doing your best, and I truly appreciate that." helps him not get defensive and shut down. 

[Catwoman]

4 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

It's also possible that dh is very uncomfortable discussing money (some men feel like a failure if their work doesn't provide enough) and deflects the discomfort with the smart aleck comment that smacks of their religious superiority since they don't make enough. 

I seldom see people honestly believe that earning more is wrong, but I can picture someone not wanting to acknowledge the truth twisting stuff so their decisions are justified.

Honestly, though, for the OP's family to go from where they are now to VERY wealthy would be completely unrealistic. 

Most likely, dh doesn't like to face the realities of their situation and wants to shut down discussion that way. I could be wrong, I'm just a random stranger on the internet.

Oh, I agree with you, and I’m not expecting the DH to suddenly earn hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. I hope you’re right that he’s just trying to deflect away from something that he may view as a personal failure, but that given the opportunity to earn more money, he will welcome that chance and take advantage of it.

[seemesew]

10 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Oh, I agree with you, and I’m not expecting the DH to suddenly earn hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. I hope you’re right that he’s just trying to deflect away from something that he may view as a personal failure, but that given the opportunity to earn more money, he will welcome that chance and take advantage of it.

I think he feels really terrible about it all and that line may very well be his way of pushing it away. He started on his career later because of some health issues that were really awful. So he feels like a failure ❤️ Granted I should have done things differently too but honestly back then we were just surviving his health issues that hit us out of the blue when my oldest was a baby and it set us back career wise. 

He really is able to talk about it if I'm calm and lately I've been stressed about money and he had too so those conversations haven't even wel, lol! But now that we have talked over what you guys have said we have a plan and that is comforting and we've been able to do a lot of figuring out.

Things were better financially for awhile we've been able to pay off school loans, house debt and still put a good amount in savings it's really just been this year that things have become so tight. 

 

Edited April 22, 2022 by seemesew

[QueenCat]

15 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I could be wrong, I'm just a random stranger on the internet.

Nope,  you're real! I've met you a few times!!! 

[Catwoman]

12 minutes ago, seemesew said:

I think he feels really terrible about it all and that line may very well be his way of pushing it away. He started on his career later because of some health issues that were really awful. So he feels like a failure ❤️ Granted I should have done things differently too but honestly back then we were just surviving his health issues that hit us out of the blue when my oldest was a baby and it set us back career wise. 

He really is able to talk about it if I'm calm and lately I've been stressed about money and he had too so those conversations haven't even wel, lol! But now that we have talked over what you guys have said we have a plan and that is comforting and we've been able to do a lot of figuring out.

Things were better financially for awhile we've been able to pay off school loans, house debt and still put a good amount in savings it's really just been this year that things have become so tight. 

 

I’m glad you’re feeling better about this now. 🙂 

And I’m sorry if I assumed you were renting your house – – I see that you’re talking about house debt, so it looks like you own the house. Oops!!!

[QueenCat]

47 minutes ago, seemesew said:

I think he feels really terrible about it all and that line may very well be his way of pushing it away. He started on his career later because of some health issues that were really awful. So he feels like a failure ❤️ Granted I should have done things differently too but honestly back then we were just surviving his health issues that hit us out of the blue when my oldest was a baby and it set us back career wise. 

He really is able to talk about it if I'm calm and lately I've been stressed about money and he had too so those conversations haven't even wel, lol! But now that we have talked over what you guys have said we have a plan and that is comforting and we've been able to do a lot of figuring out.

Things were better financially for awhile we've been able to pay off school loans, house debt and still put a good amount in savings it's really just been this year that things have become so tight. 

 

It's really okay to take temporary breaks from saving if you have a healthy savings account and things are desperate. But put a time limit on it and only for specific things so that when he gets his next raise, you go back to it.

And if you're putting extra towards your mortgage, it might be worth taking a break from that for a bit. 

[Murphy101]

21 hours ago, Garga said:

Premiums are usually a set price for a single person, another set price for a couple, and then a 3rd set price for “family.”.  It doesn’t usually matter how many people are in the family. You could have 3 or 20 and it would still be the same set “family” price for both the family of 3 and the family of 20. That’s usually how it works anyway.

That used to be the case. But where my husband works there is single, couple,  + 3 kids and then an additional for 4+ dependents.  Last year when he was unemployed, he found that it’s becoming more common. There were several places he applied to that had a fourth tier like that. 

[Ausmumof3]

6 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

It's also possible that dh is very uncomfortable discussing money (some men feel like a failure if their work doesn't provide enough) and deflects the discomfort with the smart aleck comment that smacks of their religious superiority since they don't make enough. 

I seldom see people honestly believe that earning more is wrong, but I can picture someone not wanting to acknowledge the truth twisting stuff so their decisions are justified.

Honestly, though, for the OP's family to go from where they are now to VERY wealthy would be completely unrealistic. 

Most likely, dh doesn't like to face the realities of their situation and wants to shut down discussion that way. I could be wrong, I'm just a random stranger on the internet.

I strongly agree with this. DH doesn’t have this particular belief at all but we have the same issue with shutting the conversation down etc.

[DawnM]

7 hours ago, seemesew said:

Some great ideas here! 

So first off getting chickens is a great idea but not here since they get killed by wild animals so easily. We'd have have to build or buy a coop to keep them safe. Also we don't eat eggs much so I buy them cheaper from a friend than from the store. Selling would not make us any money since we live in the country and everyone else has chickens too. 

Our bills are fairly low already, for both my husband's and my cell phone we pay $25 a month. My kids have to pay for own if they want one.

My kids only get basics right now and anything extra they buy themselves. For Christmas and birthdays we buy used where ever we can and don't spend much on them. I know many people who spend more on 1 kid than we do on all 5. Clothing is used unless new is cheaper or I can't find it used.

As far as car insurance we have the minimum on all cars except for my van and now the newer car. It's really not that bad but we can cut back. We are definitely selling one of the cars but we will be keeping the others for now. My son basically pays for the one he drives so it's really only 3 cars on our end. It may be a luxury to keep one for trash but living in the country we can't always put the trash/rubbish we have in the dumpsters at work and a service is over $100 a month so it's actually cheaper to keep it even if that's all we use it for.

As far as insurance we are on Medicaid so we actually can't get cheaper. My husband and will probably not be able to be on it next year because the district is giving him a raise (but it's not a raise because they are also raising their insurance costs and other stuff so we will actually do worse with this raise so don't get excited).

We don't subscribe to anything. Our Internet is free. We do budget and we do so very carefully. We don't have many pet costs. 

Our plan as of this week: sell 1 car, sell anything we don't really need, and I'm also selling some curriculum. We are checking out all the costs of everything and seeing what will actually benefit us more, me working, him working less, ECT.

I really appreciate all the advice! I feel better after hearing all your thoughts, it has helped me realize things we can change and also things we are already doing towards being frugal! 

Thank you everyone!!!

 

Oh, I thought you said you were paying $800/mo and couldn't afford the kids on there.   I must have misunderstood.

I don't know that much about medicaid, although my foster son is on it and will be even after we adopt him since he qualifies for the subsidy.    I just looked it up and you have to make $55k or less (gross income) in order to qualify for a family of 7 here.  I don't know if yours is the same or not.

Do you qualify for SNAP?  WIC?  We get WIC due to our foster son and it is around $70/mo in groceries.   We will lose it when he turns 5, but it is helpful now.

[Ting Tang]

6 hours ago, seemesew said:

We actually discussed this at length and made some good progress! He also is looking into ways to earn more in his current profession like when he finished his master's he can apply for different levels and certificatios that will give him a decent raise. So we are definitely making better progress. It's going to take that's I think for him to see what you've all been saying but I'm going to keep at helping him.

I may need to work and I'm not writing that off. But while I do have older kids I also have very young ones and it's hard to find something that will work with all the schedules we have between older kids and my husband working too. But I'm not saying I won't work I'm just not jumping at it just yet while we sell some stuff and figure out some things.

I have four kids, so I completely understand the complexities of having two working parents.  I myself have looked around for a job, but it would need to be one that afforded me the luxury of sending my kids to a good private school to make up for our inability to homeschool them. It sounds like you and your husband are on the path to figuring things out.  Money is such a huge stressor, and everyone needs to vent sometimes.  It's hard to have a family and live on one income these days, unfortunately.

[Spryte]

NM. 

Edited April 23, 2022 by Spryte

[Ausmumof3]

52 minutes ago, Spryte said:

Someone else may have said this, but what about keeping a vehicle each for you and DH, and the truck for the dump can be used by teens to get around. If they want a better vehicle, it’s motivation to save for one!

It’s mind boggling to me to keep a vehicle for such a limited use. Not just financially, either. But we are a one car family, and we just work with each other on that. It’s a choice we made deliberately, though, for own values.

I think I would calculate the insurance, maintenance, personal property taxes, square footage the other cars require on my property for parking, etc, and see if keeping four vehicles is really saving money.

You guys might be rural anyway I’m not sure but I think this is much more common in rural areas. There’s no public transport and nothing within walking or riding distance. Getting a taxi or Uber in an emergency is near impossible. Plus space for storage isn’t a big deal. When we bought the new to us (but still twelve year old car) last year I wanted to sell the older car but DH didn’t. Since then his car has been out with repairs to hail damage for two weeks and mine three times now for engine problems for over a week. So it doesn’t seem at all nuts to me to have a third car. We only have 3rd party insurance though. We also have a very old Ute that’s here mostly for  moving firewood and hay etc. It’s not registered or insured though as it doesn’t leave,

 

[Spryte]

5 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

You guys might be rural anyway I’m not sure but I think this is much more common in rural areas. There’s no public transport and nothing within walking or riding distance. Getting a taxi or Uber in an emergency is near impossible. Plus space for storage isn’t a big deal. When we bought the new to us (but still twelve year old car) last year I wanted to sell the older car but DH didn’t. Since then his car has been out with repairs to hail damage for two weeks and mine three times now for engine problems for over a week. So it doesn’t seem at all nuts to me to have a third car. We only have 3rd party insurance though. We also have a very old Ute that’s here mostly for  moving firewood and hay etc. It’s not registered or insured though as it doesn’t leave,

 

I know it’s not uncommon to have an extra truck in rural areas, but IME having five cars while struggling to make ends meet is. I was thinking that maybe there’s a way to sell two vehicles, and add an extra use for the truck so they only have to maintain three vehicles. But it’s ok if that doesn’t work for OP. 

[maize]

9 minutes ago, Spryte said:

I know it’s not uncommon to have an extra truck in rural areas, but IME having five cars while struggling to make ends meet is. I was thinking that maybe there’s a way to sell two vehicles, and add an extra use for the truck so they only have to maintain three vehicles. But it’s ok if that doesn’t work for OP. 

The fifth car belongs to the teen driver and it sounds like that teen covers the costs for it, so it doesn't really count as a family car.

[Spryte]

13 minutes ago, maize said:

The fifth car belongs to the teen driver and it sounds like that teen covers the costs for it, so it doesn't really count as a family car.

I missed that.

Nevermind me. Carry on!

[Ausmumof3]

1 hour ago, Spryte said:

I know it’s not uncommon to have an extra truck in rural areas, but IME having five cars while struggling to make ends meet is. I was thinking that maybe there’s a way to sell two vehicles, and add an extra use for the truck so they only have to maintain three vehicles. But it’s ok if that doesn’t work for OP. 

It’s probably not that unusual to have cars sitting around here. Often they have pretty low resale value compared to the cost of hiring a car etc if needed. Especially when they’re 20 years plus. We recently sold an old one that had actually started increasing in value 😀 it would have been an investment if we’d hung on to it but we really really needed the cash at the time. It would be unusual to have them registered and insured permanently though rather than on an as needs basis.

[Spryte]

13 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

It’s probably not that unusual to have cars sitting around here. Often they have pretty low resale value compared to the cost of hiring a car etc if needed. Especially when they’re 20 years plus. We recently sold an old one that had actually started increasing in value 😀 it would have been an investment if we’d hung on to it but we really really needed the cash at the time. It would be unusual to have them registered and insured permanently though rather than on an as needs basis.

Score! It’s amazing how much cars are selling for now, pretty nice surprise!

I missed the part that one of the five cars belongs to a teen. That’s what I get for not reading the entire thread. Gaaah. You’d think I’d never worked on reading comprehension with my kids! 🤣

 

[Hilltopmom]

This is random but something I wanted to comment on from the OP. 
You mentioned your dh has 2 additional jobs. Then that those are tutoring at school during his day & coaching. 
This is going to sound picky but I’m not trying to be obnoxious- it may help to stop thinking of him as “already working 2 other jobs”. Usually as teachers, adding things like coaching or picking up tutoring kids through the school isn’t really “working other jobs”.. it’s just an other thing we do through school that tacks on extra cash to our paychecks. Coaching is seasonal usually anyways too.

When I think of “working other jobs/ side gigs ”- that would be a teacher who works at the garden center on the weekends and summers, or who waits tables a few nights a week and weekends, etc. Coaching or picking up a tutoring kid usually isn’t enough extra cash to offset what you could d with an evening or weekend gig, but helps a bit, I’m sure.

Your dh is in grad school which is an extra job enough for now, probably. When that settles down maybe he can get a side gig at night or on weekends, if you really don’t want to get a job. Tutoring in the community or teaching at a college/ online would pay better than a retail gig.

Reframing the thinking might help you feel better that he has a career that doesn’t pay a lot but he’s not already “working 2 extra jobs and can’t make ends meet”. Thinking that way seems pretty demoralizing.
Dunno if that helps or if I’m making sense.

[Kuovonne]

Holding on to at least one “extra” car makes sense to me. If someone gets into a car accident, being short a car while the car is fixed or replaced will add extra stress at an already stressful time. I am speaking from recent personal experience here.

If you are interested in generating income, decide if you want a “warm-body” job where you put in the hours just to get paid, or if you want a job that meshes with your strengths / interests. If your strengths/interests are labor intensive or require expensive supplies, you need a “custom/boutique” image with a corresponding high price tag and the ability to market yourself. At one point I experimented with custom quilt making services, and it just wasn’t worth the time and materials. 
 

if you are interested in going into computers/software, it is possible to earn big money doing remote, part-time work. But there is a lot of competition, the learning curve can be steep, and you need to build a portfolio proving your abilities. My husband and I debated about me taking this route a few years ago, and it has worked out really well for me. 

Edited April 23, 2022 by Kuovonne

[QueenCat]

14 hours ago, DawnM said:

Oh, I thought you said you were paying $800/mo and couldn't afford the kids on there.   I must have misunderstood.

I don't know that much about medicaid, although my foster son is on it and will be even after we adopt him since he qualifies for the subsidy.    I just looked it up and you have to make $55k or less (gross income) in order to qualify for a family of 7 here.  I don't know if yours is the same or not.

Do you qualify for SNAP?  WIC?  We get WIC due to our foster son and it is around $70/mo in groceries.   We will lose it when he turns 5, but it is helpful now.

It's just over $55,000 in Ohio too. Higher than I expected it to be.

[shawthorne44]

I understand worrying about a car breaking down.   We too are semi-rural.   But with even 3 cars it won't be a huge big deal if one breaks down.   If you only had one car it would be a worry.   But with a few cars you always have a backup.   

We have three cars which sounds like a lot for two drivers.    We have one nice car which we both prefer to drive.   A pickup which is older but very nice and a 2000 PT Cruiser.   We keep the Cruiser mainly because I hate to rent a car because all the agencies are so far away and even now it isn't worth much.   I hate pickups (was stalked as a teen by a guy that drove one) so I won't drive it.    But DH does need the pickup for building out house.  
 

[katilac]

10 hours ago, Hilltopmom said:

This is random but something I wanted to comment on from the OP. 
You mentioned your dh has 2 additional jobs. Then that those are tutoring at school during his day & coaching. 
This is going to sound picky but I’m not trying to be obnoxious- it may help to stop thinking of him as “already working 2 other jobs”. Usually as teachers, adding things like coaching or picking up tutoring kids through the school isn’t really “working other jobs”.. it’s just an other thing we do through school that tacks on extra cash to our paychecks. Coaching is seasonal usually anyways too.

When I think of “working other jobs/ side gigs ”- that would be a teacher who works at the garden center on the weekends and summers, or who waits tables a few nights a week and weekends, etc. Coaching or picking up a tutoring kid usually isn’t enough extra cash to offset what you could d with an evening or weekend gig, but helps a bit, I’m sure.

Your dh is in grad school which is an extra job enough for now, probably. When that settles down maybe he can get a side gig at night or on weekends, if you really don’t want to get a job. Tutoring in the community or teaching at a college/ online would pay better than a retail gig.

Reframing the thinking might help you feel better that he has a career that doesn’t pay a lot but he’s not already “working 2 extra jobs and can’t make ends meet”. Thinking that way seems pretty demoralizing.
Dunno if that helps or if I’m making sense.

It makes sense to me. When I read the post that explained what the jobs were, I immediately went, oh, okay, not actual side jobs. I realize it takes time during the day that he would presumably otherwise have free for planning and such, but it's very much par for the course for teachers in my area. 

Once he is done with grad school, he might look into tutoring online as well. It may pay better than what the school is paying, even if he goes through a service like tutor.com or similar. 

Which also makes me think of a potential side gig for you that's work at home: teaching sewing classes on Outschool. I wouldn't necessarily do it now, but something to investigate for the future.