Am I being unreasonable?

[Lisa]

Could you give him an either or? Pay someone to finish it now or pay to rent a storage unit?

[LMD]

2 hours ago, saraha said:

. He would say we are not hiring anyone and I’ll do it when I’m ready. 
 

then we are at a stalemate

The I would say, okay honey, can you help me come up with a different solution for (specific stressful item) because it is really making things difficult for me? 

My husband sounds similar in many ways to yours saraha and Elizabeth's. Except I do all the banking haha. 

Some things I've learned - speak up plainly and early. Ask his opinion on solutions. Don't try to play games/manipulate/ultimatum - it just doesn't work. Remember that he really does love us more than anything, he's not trying to make my life harder/miserable, he's an ethical guy trying his best and failing often like I do.

Re the diy or not at all - dh is like that too and it's an important value to him. Wrongly or rightly it's tied in to his identity as a husband/father/man and I try to respect that about him. Nagging/undermining will be received as an attack on the core of who he is. That's why I would just sidestep this shed issue and come up with other solutions. 

I'm sorry this is a tough time, some of those qualities I first loved and respected in dh are real double edged swords in day to day married life! 

[KungFuPanda]

4 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Believe me, if I could I would.

You CAN.  You can do anything with YouTube.  Tools are a great equalizer.  You don't need a ton of strength. Figure out the next step.  Announce that THIS weekend YOU are going to go out and start working.  You'll either make some headway, or he will come out and help because he doesn't trust you to do it.  Either way you make progress.  Heck you can attack on two fronts.  "Hey Dh, I'm gonna work on this shed at THESE times on THESE days (share your google calendar).  If I'm not finished by Mother's Day, I'm renting a storage unit and my present will be everyone helps me move stuff into it without complaining." If your Dh is a procrastinator, he might NEED a deadline for motivation.  He might be extra motivated to just do it himself if you call him out to show you how to use the circular saw.  Do you have any friends you can call out for a work day?  Send up the flare to friends and family.  Tell them you are stalled on a project and need HELP.  

[Elizabeth86]

5 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

You CAN.  You can do anything with YouTube.  Tools are a great equalizer.  You don't need a ton of strength. Figure out the next step.  Announce that THIS weekend YOU are going to go out and start working.  You'll either make some headway, or he will come out and help because he doesn't trust you to do it.  Either way you make progress.  Heck you can attack on two fronts.  "Hey Dh, I'm gonna work on this shed at THESE times on THESE days (share your google calendar).  If I'm not finished by Mother's Day, I'm renting a storage unit and my present will be everyone helps me move stuff into it without complaining." If your Dh is a procrastinator, he might NEED a deadline for motivation.  He might be extra motivated to just do it himself if you call him out to show you how to use the circular saw.  Do you have any friends you can call out for a work day?  Send up the flare to friends and family.  Tell them you are stalled on a project and need HELP.  

I can use a saw. I truly don’t have the strength or balance to be climbing up on the roof carrying boards. 

[Tree Frog]

17 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

 

 np

 

Edited March 19, 2022 by Tree Frog

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don’t give ultimatums. I also wouldn’t react well to an ultimatum. Both dh and I are adults. We don’t manage each other. 
 

We do, however, work together on things. Dh and I want to meet each other at least halfway. So we communicate our goals (which are not always the same priority for each of us).
 

Right now we seriously need to clean out our garage. Dh works two jobs. He doesn’t have a lot of time to put towards this goal. I can do a bit of it by myself but a good deal of it is Dh’s stuff that I have no clue about and often can’t even lift. But I asked if our date after dinner tonight could be  working for one hour in the garage. I have a carload of stuff to go to Goodwill tomorrow.  And the garage is a bit more cleared out. 

[Brittany1116]

2 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I don’t give ultimatums. I also wouldn’t react well to an ultimatum. Both dh and I are adults. We don’t manage each other. 
 

We do, however, work together on things. Dh and I want to meet each other at least halfway. So we communicate our goals (which are not always the same priority for each of us).
 

Right now we seriously need to clean out our garage. Dh works two jobs. He doesn’t have a lot of time to put towards this goal. I can do a bit of it by myself but a good deal of it is Dh’s stuff that I have no clue about and often can’t even lift. But I asked if our date after dinner tonight could be  working for one hour in the garage. I have a carload of stuff to go to Goodwill tomorrow.  And the garage is a bit more cleared out. 

Agree all around. Also, the garage is the thing here. We really want to get 2 cars in but have only had 1 in it for a decade. Today I cleaned the (slightly more) manageable side and made space. He came home as I was finishing and agreed to work on the other side tomorrow. An ultimatum would have been a very, very bad thing for the both of us. 

[prairiewindmomma]

You may find it helpful to read more on relationship dynamics— specifically on “stonewalling” .

[Clarita]

Just reading the first post, I would suggest getting a quote. The contractor should be able to give you an estimate a time and cost (perhaps minus materials). Then, you both can be making an informed decision on this. In terms of an "outhouse" be sure to also check out "pre-fab" stuff like Tuff Shed or something; sometimes the way those work out it could be cheaper than DIY (for the same end product). 

As a warning, when we've priced these projects out it has gone either way. There have been a few projects that after the quote we've decided to DIY. Other projects where after getting the money cost we discovered it was cheaper (even money-wise) to have a professional do it. And still other times where we've actually done "halfsies" we do some part and the contractor does some part.

[regentrude]

9 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I don’t give ultimatums. I also wouldn’t react well to an ultimatum. Both dh and I are adults. We don’t manage each other. 
 

We do, however, work together on things. Dh and I want to meet each other at least halfway. So we communicate our goals (which are not always the same priority for each of us).
 

Right now we seriously need to clean out our garage. Dh works two jobs. He doesn’t have a lot of time to put towards this goal. I can do a bit of it by myself but a good deal of it is Dh’s stuff that I have no clue about and often can’t even lift. But I asked if our date after dinner tonight could be  working for one hour in the garage. I have a carload of stuff to go to Goodwill tomorrow.  And the garage is a bit more cleared out. 

What would you do if your DH had been promising to work on the garage for two years and had still not done it?

Reasonable functional people don't need ultimatums, I agree. But what if nothing is accomplished?

[HomeAgain]

14 hours ago, saraha said:

Seriously though, I don’t know a single couple in my whole life where parenting is 50/50 and the dad is like hey, the kids clothes need to be swapped out…

are there really marriages out there where this happens? I am 100% responsible for kid stuff or it doesn’t get done. I can ask for help 9 times out of 10 get it, but he would never anticipate needs 

Okay, so after reading responses, I'm realizing how odd dh's and my marriage is.

This exact thing happened two weeks ago in our house.  Dh realized it was getting to be spring and had ds12 try on all his shorts from last summer, all his pants, and then made a list to take to the stores with us of what he needed.  I drank my coffee, packed my tutoring bag, and left them alone to do their thing.

I am a twigs person in our marriage, dh is a trees person.  We have our strengths that let us focus on absolute minutia (me) or entire blocks (dh).  It means a lot of tasks are accomplished by both of us working in tandem. I organize ds's school work with breaking down everything into small parts.  Dh helps him organize his day/week right now by looking ahead to what needs to get done.

 

In Elizabeth's case, I don't think she's being unreasonable.  It's a different way of looking at things.  He may be seeing the big picture, she's looking at the individual days.  She may need to write out a timeline of what has already happened for it to make sense to him as to where she's at right now.  And honestly, if I could do it or not, I would be out there cutting, hauling, and climbing on the roof to finish it if he balked at hiring someone.  It's not so much the accomplishment, it's reinforcing that it needs to get done one way or another, and he can watch me do it or help do it, but either way it's getting done.

[ScoutTN]

17 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Which is more reasonable to ask for, a storage unit or to ask him to hire someone to finish it?

Not at all unreasonable.

I would hire someone to finish it, so it’s not an ongoing expense.

I will say that we love, love our climate controlled storage unit. It’s a small one, but worth the expense for us.

Edited March 19, 2022 by ScoutTN

[Danae]

A marriage where one person has to swallow their own opinions and needs so their spouse won’t be upset is not a peaceful home, even if it looks like one. It’s a hostage situation.  
 

 

[livetoread]

26 minutes ago, Danae said:

A marriage where one person has to swallow their own opinions and needs so their spouse won’t be upset is not a peaceful home, even if it looks like one. It’s a hostage situation.  
 

 

Particularly when the one swallowing does so in part because she believes her needs wouldn't be listened to and met if she did speak up. OP, as I'm sure you are well aware, this goes way beyond a shed and I would suggest marital therapy to try and figure out a way to communicate better. There are many possible explanations for the patterns you guys have established and many are hopeful for improvement. If he won't go, go yourself. You'll need to decide if you want to continue as is or if you are ready for some changes, but know that you can make changes that can be helpful for the marriage with or without his buy in.

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

What would you do if your DH had been promising to work on the garage for two years and had still not done it?

Reasonable functional people don't need ultimatums, I agree. But what if nothing is accomplished?

Since I married a reasonable functional person, I can’t answer that. I will say though that there was a time when I was younger that I walked on eggshells more and didn’t express my needs and even wants. I was afraid to rock the boat due to my past (which had nothing to do with Dh). I have learned to express myself better. By simply saying “I know that you are busy and I don’t want to pile more on you but this matters a lot to me.”  I also use humor and tell him that I might be tempted to go all “pioneer woman “. (Which has nothing to do with our former boardie Ree and everything to do with getting out the toolbox myself. Dh fears me going “pioneer woman “!  

[PeppermintPattie]

18 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Eh. Yeah, but I can't just do it. I don't have the freedom to just spend money without his ok.

It would work this way at my house, too.

When I've been in your situation, I start talking to dh about what needs to be done next, how it's done, what supplies need purchasing, and how long that next step will take. Then I try to make a plan with him of when we both can work on it. Sometimes talking and planning help amp up the motivation, and sometimes having me work with dh on the project helps. But if he's still resistant, I have also used that information to start it myself. That usually prompts him to work with me. If you can't work on the roof alone, start on the door, and see about getting your older kids involved.

One time we were down to one bathroom for months because some concrete needed to be chipped away from some pipes. I finally started asking questions about the work needing to be done, and I think he heard the ridiculousness in his answers because he went and did the work, and it only took like 20 minutes. This was after months of having to go downstairs to use the bathroom. Grrrr. It still annoys me, but I did learn how to deal with him and these situations.

 

 

Edited March 19, 2022 by PeppermintPattie

[freesia]

I had another thought of how this might work in my family. Sometimes I get stuck on getting things done, and I ask dh if we can have a “post things on eBay date.” So, we do the project together and then spend time together. Could you say you want a build the shed date?  You can do what you can and hand him things for the up high stuff? My dh knows that helps is my love language and it really does pay off for him no matter how unromantic he finds my date ideas 😂 

[Jean in Newcastle]

8 minutes ago, freesia said:

I had another thought of how this might work in my family. Sometimes I get stuck on getting things done, and I ask dh if we can have a “post things on eBay date.” So, we do the project together and then spend time together. Could you say you want a build the shed date?  You can do what you can and hand him things for the up high stuff? My dh knows that helps is my love language and it really does pay off for him no matter how unromantic he finds my date ideas 😂 

Our best dates are at Lowes and Home Depot.  😉

But I will also add that there is a lot of give-and-take in my marriage.  Our house is not pristine.  It's been way too cluttered.  I have my weights sitting on the coffee table and they've been there for months because I use them daily and they're handy there (and I haven't decluttered a "spot" for them to go to yet).  But his tools are also on our coffee table.  In the unlikely event we have someone over, we will move them. 

But while we have a messy somewhat chaotic house, we are also constantly working at it.  I have a sofa in my dining room.  It's been there for months and we can't use the dining room table because of it.  But I have researched charities (none will send out a truck for furniture any more), listed it on Nextdoor (and messaged with interested people who never showed up) etc.  And I located a friend who is willing to loan us a truck so that we can get rid of it, unfortunately at the dump since I can find ZERO charities who will take it.  Our plan is to get rid of it tomorrow. 

[Catwoman]

4 hours ago, Danae said:

A marriage where one person has to swallow their own opinions and needs so their spouse won’t be upset is not a peaceful home, even if it looks like one. It’s a hostage situation.  
 

 

I absolutely agree with you, but I also think the wife (only saying wife because that's what we have been talking about here) bears some responsibility as well.

If the wife is hyper-focused on being the smiling, always-cooperative, never-complaining "good wife," her dh may not even know that she is unhappy. He might not be that intuitive -- a lot of people take things at face value. He may actually believe that she always agrees with him. If the wife complains about something and her dh disagrees with her and explains why she is wrong, and she always immediately complies with whatever he says, he may very well think she agrees that she was wrong and he was right. End of story. Everybody's happy.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's not a hostage situation if the wife isn't honest with her husband about what she is feeling. Acting the part of the perfect little submissive wife with a constant smile on her face, is not going to give her dh any indication that she is upset and needs things to change. 

I know there are a lot of abusive households, but in cases like we have been discussing on recent threads, I'm not sure the dhs are even aware that their wives are always swallowing their own opinions and that they are worried that their dhs will be upset if their home isn't always completely peaceful. The dhs might not be as draconian as we are imagining them to be -- if they knew how their wives truly felt, they might want to do whatever it takes to make them happy. As it is, they may feel like their wives are already perfectly happy.

There are two people in a marriage, and if one of them isn't honest about their feelings and is always putting on a smile to make sure the household is always peaceful, it's kind of hard to blame the other spouse for not realizing that there is a problem.

[Danae]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

I absolutely agree with you, but I also think the wife (only saying wife because that's what we have been talking about here) bears some responsibility as well.

<snip>

There are two people in a marriage, and if one of them isn't honest about their feelings and is always putting on a smile to make sure the household is always peaceful, it's kind of hard to blame the other spouse for not realizing that there is a problem.

I don’t disagree. I would say there’s a good chance @Elizabeth86 and @saraha are holding themselves hostage to their husband’s emotions while their husbands are oblivious.  And treating your husband as an abuser who you have to placate when he isn’t one isn’t fair to him.

Edited March 19, 2022 by Danae

[TexasProud]

5 minutes ago, Danae said:

I don’t disagree. I would say there’s a good chance @Elizabeth86 and @saraha are holding themselves hostage to their husband’s emotions while their husbands are oblivious.  And treating your husband as an abuser who you have to placate when he isn’t one isn’t fair to him.

Yep, I did this for 20 years. Life became so much better. But it took a complete mental breakdown on my end. Don't be me.

[Spryte]

I’m hoping that @Elizabeth86 is outside today in beautiful weather working with her DH on the new outbuilding, listening to some good music, with a plan to come in for an easy dinner later, and some time hanging out together!

[Annie G]

21 hours ago, saraha said:

Seriously though, I don’t know a single couple in my whole life where parenting is 50/50 and the dad is like hey, the kids clothes need to be swapped out…

are there really marriages out there where this happens? I am 100% responsible for kid stuff or it doesn’t get done. I can ask for help 9 times out of 10 get it, but he would never anticipate needs 

My son in law absolutely is like that. He does ALL the laundry for their family of six, and he is for sure on top of kids’ clothes. When they need new ones, when they need seasonal swapping, new shoes, etc.  

He’s also really good about asking Dd what he can do to help her instead of waiting to be asked. 
 

He’s a keeper, for sure. 

[Clarita]

3 hours ago, Danae said:

I would say there’s a good chance @Elizabeth86 and @saraha are holding themselves hostage to their husband’s emotions while their husbands are oblivious.  And treating your husband as an abuser who you have to placate when he isn’t one isn’t fair to him.

As an encouragement (but I'm pretty bad with words), if your husband's a good guy these "disagreements" and "arguments" are going to be just fine. In fact, there's a chance they are waiting and wanting those direct conversations. Some people are just not intuitive that way.

I had to get therapy for this. Essentially mine stemmed from my parents not communicating in a healthy manner and having been in an abusive relationship. If your husband is going to be abusive, there is no way for you to be a good enough wife or a placating enough one not to incur his wrath. I'm saying by now you would have experienced his wrath.  

[Bootsie]

On 3/18/2022 at 5:24 PM, Elizabeth86 said:

Easier said than done.

Yes, it is easier said than done.  But, it is also easier for you to change what you do than change what your spouse is doing.  Instead of spending a lot of time and energy thinking about how I could get my spouse to do something, I would try to spend the time and energy on what I CAN control (even thought it is difficult) and that would be how I come up with a solution to my storage problem.  Can I learn to finish the building?  Can I purchase a shed for the items I need to store?  Is there enough money in the household budget to pay to have someone complete it?  Can I barter--trade off watching friends' kids for my friend helping with the building?  Can I throw out some items?  Do I have a garage sale and use the proceeds to hire someone? Etc.  

[Bootsie]

On 3/18/2022 at 5:48 PM, saraha said:

Seriously though, I don’t know a single couple in my whole life where parenting is 50/50 and the dad is like hey, the kids clothes need to be swapped out…

are there really marriages out there where this happens? I am 100% responsible for kid stuff or it doesn’t get done. I can ask for help 9 times out of 10 get it, but he would never anticipate needs 

Yes, there really are marriages where that happens.  50/50 parenting does not mean that each parent does 50% of each task.  I did not count if I gave my kids 100 baths for every 100 baths DH gave them, or that I washed 100 loads of clothes for every 100 loads DH washed.   We each had our strengths and our preferred tasks, but we were both able to do what needed to be done.  For many things, I do anticipate needs more than DH, but that is personality-based, not because of assignment of parental responsibility--I do that in most areas of life; there are other things that DH does much better than I do.  

[lauraw4321]

I’m really really curious if there’s an update for this post?

[Elizabeth86]

1 hour ago, lauraw4321 said:

I’m really really curious if there’s an update for this post?

I've been meaning to to update. That weekend was nice weather and we got to work on it Sunday. We didn't Saturday because we needed to tend to something else that came up. We were sick this weekend and the weather was garbage. Next weekend, I think we will be back at it! He has a week off next month too, so I'm hoping that will be successful!

[Catwoman]

Yay! I’m glad to hear that you are working together on it, and that it looks like it will finally get DONE!!!

[freesia]

Excellent news!  I’m so glad you are doing it together. 

[Lecka]

Good news!!!!!!

Sometimes I get SO down about something right before it somehow gets better, when I didn’t see any hope of it getting better.

I hope this is a good sign in a lot of ways 🙂

[Elizabeth86]

27 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Good news!!!!!!

Sometimes I get SO down about something right before it somehow gets better, when I didn’t see any hope of it getting better.

I hope this is a good sign in a lot of ways 🙂

Same here!

[Elizabeth86]

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

Yay! I’m glad to hear that you are working together on it, and that it looks like it will finally get DONE!!!

Yes we have worked on it together the whole time.

[Tanaqui]

What a great ending!

[Elizabeth86]

Ugh. 😫 Wanna guess what happened? DH’s back is hurting again. 😭 If the building isn't done by the day we start our summer break, I am renting a storage unit. 

[Spryte]

13 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

Ugh. 😫 Wanna guess what happened? DH’s back is hurting again. 😭 If the building isn't done by the day we start our summer break, I am renting a storage unit. 

I’m sorry his back is hurting, and hope he finds some relief.

Renting a unit is a great plan!

It’s perfectly ok to look at your situation, together, with clear eyes and accept the reality that with his back issues renting a storage unit until the shed is finished is the best course. Or hiring it out, because if working on it caused the back pain — who wants to go through that again?! 
 

[Elizabeth86]

13 minutes ago, Spryte said:

I’m sorry his back is hurting, and hope he finds some relief.

Renting a unit is a great plan!

It’s perfectly ok to look at your situation, together, with clear eyes and accept the reality that with his back issues renting a storage unit until the shed is finished is the best course. Or hiring it out, because if working on it caused the back pain — who wants to go through that again?! 
 

That's what I've been saying the whole time. I know he just isn't able, but he isn't willing to admit that he isn't able.

[Catwoman]

13 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

That's what I've been saying the whole time. I know he just isn't able, but he isn't willing to admit that he isn't able.

Right now, while your dh is hurting, is the best time to suggest hiring someone to finish the job for you. If you wait until his back is better, he will forget about how much pain he was in, and he will insist on trying again — and he could end up doing permanent damage to his back over something that just isn’t worth it. The shed is already part way finished, so it might not even cost that much to get it done.

I'm very sorry he hurt himself, but I’m glad you are insisting on the storage unit if the work isn’t done by a specific date. I’m hoping that the potential cost of the storage unit will help convince your dh to just go ahead and hire someone to finish the shed.

[Elizabeth86]

9 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Right now, while your dh is hurting, is the best time to suggest hiring someone to finish the job for you. If you wait until his back is better, he will forget about how much pain he was in, and he will insist on trying again — and he could end up doing permanent damage to his back over something that just isn’t worth it. The shed is already part way finished, so it might not even cost that much to get it done.

I'm very sorry he hurt himself, but I’m glad you are insisting on the storage unit if the work isn’t done by a specific date. I’m hoping that the potential cost of the storage unit will help convince your dh to just go ahead and hire someone to finish the shed.

Very good point!

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

I literally thought of this thread today and here it pops up again lol.  I just want to park my car in the garage and I told DH to clean it/rent a storage unit/build a pole barn or I will.

I’m sorry about your DH’s back, but seriously, rent a storage unit. It’s not permanent or doesn’t have to be, but will give you peace of mind.

[Amy in NH]

On 4/11/2022 at 2:05 PM, Elizabeth86 said:

Ugh. 😫 Wanna guess what happened? DH’s back is hurting again. 😭 If the building isn't done by the day we start our summer break, I am renting a storage unit. 

It is probably hurting because he is out of shape, as you had indicated, and he used those muscles, or other muscles that pulled unevenly on his back, while working on the shed.  This happened to my dh - he moved from a physical field-work job into an office job, and his core muscles weakened so that doing low-level activities was hurting his back.  He also gained a bit of weight, and refused to come work out with me (in our basement!).  I told him that he needed to strengthen his core to hold his spine more erect instead of settling into his hips and compressing it, but he wouldn't believe me.  Instead he went to the doctor who sent him to physical therapy, where he learned to do the core-strengthening exercises that made his back pain disappear.  Go figure.

Perhaps you can encourage him to get fit again by working out together, in between bouts of work on the shed? 

But really, spending a bunch of money every single month for a storage unit will cost a lot more in the long run than paying once for the shed to be finished by someone else.