My parents were in a bad car accident today

[Familia]

Prayers going on here for your mom & dad…and all of you.

[cintinative]

continued prayers for all of you.

[MooCow]

Praying for all you

[Hilltopmom]

20 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

Evening update. Mom generally is doing pretty well. She wrote a lot of notes to us. We also talked to the doctor. On Monday, they will be implanting a trach which will let them support her breathing as needed, since it is hard to breathe deeply with broken ribs, but also turn it down or off so she can breathe on her own and build up stamina. So she won't be getting off the ventilator completely yet, but will be moving in that direction. 

She also requested that I set up a CaringBridge site, so I'll work on that, probably tomorrow. 

Thank you for your prayers and support. She appreciates it, as do we.

Just wanted to quickly say don’t be afraid of the trach and trach care. It seems scary but isnt so bad in reality. 

[Dmmetler]

Mom is in good spirits and wrote a ton of notes for me to keep up with (according to the nurse, she has gone through two markers so far). Tomorrow, they'll do the trach and pull the other chest tube. Hopefully, the roads will stay clear so we can go down tomorrow. 

[Catwoman]

Praying for good weather tomorrow in addition to praying for your mom and dad!

[Dmmetler]

If anyone wants to follow the caring bridge site, it's https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/doreendevore

 

I'll probably keep updating here just because ya'll are my support group :). 

[Dmmetler]

Mom's generally doing well, but the trach placement has to be delayed due to cases that have come in this weekend that have priority on the operating room. NYE plus snow/ice have led to more cases in trauma, and you have to prioritize stabilizing patients over quality of life for ones who are stable. 

The good news is that roads look clear where we are this morning, so it should be safe to go in to visit, but I suspect mom is very disappointed right now. 

I'm hoping we can make forward progress on getting glasses to her, which would be a small quality of life improvement. Plus lots more paper and markers!

[mommyoffive]

Hoping the procedure comes soon for your mom.  

Yep, lots more markers!  That is a great sign that she is doing that.  

[gardenmom5]

27 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

 

I'm hoping we can make forward progress on getting glasses to her, which would be a small quality of life improvement. Plus lots more paper and markers!

Would one of those little personal sized white boards help?

[Dmmetler]

22 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

Would one of those little personal sized white boards help?

I think she may need a little more Friction. She can't manage. Touch screen yet-otherwise I'd leave my school iPad-there are some communications apps which have one or two month free trials that might work well. Markers work better than pens in being easier to grip with the monitors and IVs. And probably easier to see given that she doesn't have her glasses (really hoping we can get her prescription today and that the one hour optical store can do something for us.)

[TexasProud]

Thank you for updating. Contine to pray for her.

[gardenmom5]

17 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

I think she may need a little more Friction. She can't manage. Touch screen yet-otherwise I'd leave my school iPad-there are some communications apps which have one or two month free trials that might work well. Markers work better than pens in being easier to grip with the monitors and IVs. And probably easier to see given that she doesn't have her glasses (really hoping we can get her prescription today and that the one hour optical store can do something for us.)

white board markers come in different sizes - including big marker size.  And the white boards themselves come in half or whole sheet paper sizes.  Usually with a frame to make holding it easier.   I used them with dudeling when he was learning to write because he couldn't write on paper.

I've had white board markers that had friction on the surface. (Especially as they started "drying" out.). 

 

 

[historically accurate]

I missed this thread somehow. I am so sorry your family is going through this, Dmmetler. 

[Dmmetler]

We just returned from the hospital. Since there are no procedures now scheduled today and road conditions may get worse as the day progresses and anything that melted starts to refreeze, it seemed wise to go over earlier since that was an option. 

Overall, mom is doing well. They pulled the other chest tube and have reduced pressure on the vent. She is now sitting up more, although she says it hurts, and the physical therapist has her up and walking a little. She is maintaining blood pressure, and is able to control her pain medication. She also now can turn the TV on and off and says she found Jimmy Swaggart, who isn't really her ideal doctrine, but when you're in ICU after a life threatening accident, a message of salvation is always good. I took an entire team of paper over 🙂. 

In other positive news, the financial person came by and says that between Blue Cross and Medicare, the hospitalization is completely covered, no matter what happens with the car insurance companies. 

We also got the accident report, so have sent that on to insurance, which should help get that moving. 

Dad is still achy and sometimes dizzy, but is overall doing well. 

Thanks to everyone for your prayers, well wishes, and support.

[Catwoman]

Thank you for the update -- I hope your mom can get the trach done ASAP, and that you're able to get new glasses for her.

I hope the weather starts cooperating!!!

[Dmmetler]

We actually heard from the optician that he's working on a new pair now and will  overnight them to us when done. He's on the outreach committee with my mom at church, so that helped expedite the process, I suspect. 

 

Once my mom can see better, I'm going to try taking an iPad over and see how she does with it. 

[Drama Llama]

7 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

We actually heard from the optician that he's working on a new pair now and will  overnight them to us when done. He's on the outreach committee with my mom at church, so that helped expedite the process, I suspect. 

 

Once my mom can see better, I'm going to try taking an iPad over and see how she does with it. 

There is an app called Notability where you can write with your finger, it's as easy as a marker.

[Insertcreativenamehere]

23 hours ago, Hilltopmom said:

Just wanted to quickly say don’t be afraid of the trach and trach care. It seems scary but isnt so bad in reality. 

Echoing this. My son had a trach for three years. 🙏

[Dmmetler]

8 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

There is an app called Notability where you can write with your finger, it's as easy as a marker.

I have it. She wasn't able to use it a few days ago, but may be able to now that she can sit up some, 

[ScoutTN]

Glad to hear the good updates! Still praying. Stay safe - are your roads dry? 

[mommyoffive]

So glad to hear the  medical bills will be covered!!

Is your dad in the hospital or is he home with you?  

[Dmmetler]

20 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

So glad to hear the  medical bills will be covered!!

Is your dad in the hospital or is he home with you?  

He's home with us. I strongly suspect that they would have kept him at least overnight were it not for COVID, and it seems like the ICU nurses are keeping an eye on him when he comes in, too, 

[DreamerGirl]

@Dmmetler Glad to see so many positive and steady improvements and the good news about bills.

Hope you and L are doing well too.

[Dmmetler]

16 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

Glad to hear the good updates! Still praying. Stay safe - are your roads dry? 

Pretty much. Coming from a 72 degree high meant that most of the snow melted as soon as it hit the ground, and traffic took care of the rest. Which is good. It also means that my dad has a few more days before he's officially missing anything since campus is closed, which makes him less worried.

 

In a complication, we had planned to drive L back to school this coming weekend (assuming COVID tests are negwtive) and the bus return gets back too late for dorm check in (and a 17 yr old can't check into a hotel overnight). So, unless housing takes mercy on my kid, I'll likely be ticketing plane tickets today-which makes me super nervous given Omicron-although at least it's a non-stop flight. Somehow, I doubt the auto insurance will reimburse for relatively last minute business class (because we need to be able to refund or change them if COVID results aren't good) plane tickets....sigh...

[Scarlett]

16 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

Pretty much. Coming from a 72 degree high meant that most of the snow melted as soon as it hit the ground, and traffic took care of the rest. Which is good. It also means that my dad has a few more days before he's officially missing anything since campus is closed, which makes him less worried.

 

In a complication, we had planned to drive L back to school this coming weekend (assuming COVID tests are negwtive) and the bus return gets back too late for dorm check in (and a 17 yr old can't check into a hotel overnight). So, unless housing takes mercy on my kid, I'll likely be ticketing plane tickets today-which makes me super nervous given Omicron-although at least it's a non-stop flight. Somehow, I doubt the auto insurance will reimburse for relatively last minute business class (because we need to be able to refund or change them if COVID results aren't good) plane tickets....sigh...

I really feel for all you are having to deal with.  My parents settled their insurance claim about 13 months after the accident.  I may have missed this but what caused the accident?  In my parents case there was zero doubt that the other driver was at fault.  He pulled out in front of them and they T-boned his truck at 65 MPH.  

 

[Grace Hopper]

55 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

Pretty much. Coming from a 72 degree high meant that most of the snow melted as soon as it hit the ground, and traffic took care of the rest. Which is good. It also means that my dad has a few more days before he's officially missing anything since campus is closed, which makes him less worried.

 

In a complication, we had planned to drive L back to school this coming weekend (assuming COVID tests are negwtive) and the bus return gets back too late for dorm check in (and a 17 yr old can't check into a hotel overnight). So, unless housing takes mercy on my kid, I'll likely be ticketing plane tickets today-which makes me super nervous given Omicron-although at least it's a non-stop flight. Somehow, I doubt the auto insurance will reimburse for relatively last minute business class (because we need to be able to refund or change them if COVID results aren't good) plane tickets....sigh...

Call the admissions department. As long as her covid test results are submitted by the end of the business day, there’s always someone on duty at a dorm who can let her in. Of course every school is different but this is how things worked out with us when we ran into a time zone change problem with delivering one of our kids to school. 

Glad to hear progress is being made all around!

[WildflowerMom]

Haven’t posted, but your parents have been in my thoughts and prayers.  Hoping mom can get home soon and hoping the dizzy spells stop for dad.   Those are awful, and I’d imagine much worse when you’re elderly.   Big hugs, D. 
💛💛💛

[Dmmetler]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I really feel for all you are having to deal with.  My parents settled their insurance claim about 13 months after the accident.  I may have missed this but what caused the accident?  In my parents case there was zero doubt that the other driver was at fault.  He pulled out in front of them and they T-boned his truck at 65 MPH.  

 

Based on the highway patrol report, (which was finally available yesterday) there was a slowdown due to a closed lane, the driver before them stopped, my parents were in the process of stopping, and the driver behind didn't. The driver in front had minimal injuries, the one that actually hit them had minimal injuries and the car was actually still drivable, and my parent's car was totally destroyed and the general consensus from everyone is that they were 🙏 to survive at all.  The other driver's insurance should cover it, and there was a company listed but I don't know what kind of insurance coverage he has. Hopefully, it will be enough to cover mom's rehab or home health needs etc, since Medicare picks up hospitalizafion not covered by health insurance (my dad isn't retired yet, so that's primary).  

 

 

[Dmmetler]

No formal update, but the clerk at the nurse's station says Mom is doing Ok-it's just that the nurse is occupied with another patient. I think basically everyone now knows me. Hoping mom can get the trach today. 

[Catwoman]

I really appreciate your updates about your mom and dad.

I'm starting to feel like they are sort of my family, too! Their accident sounds so scary and horrific. Thank God they survived!!!

[Dmmetler]

Mom got her trach implanted this afternoon. She was still recovering from the anesthesia and probably pain meds this evening, so wasn't as alert as she has been the last few days, but is overall doing well according to the nurses. 

[Faith-manor]

Check your parents' policy. If the other driver is underinsured for the magnitude of the injuries your parents received, you may be able to recover from their policy if they and coverage for underinsured motorist. We did that with our insurance company because the woman who t-boned us was only insured for $100,000 personal liability per incident. Ds's medical bills for the first year alone were $350,000. While our medical insurance company was the primary biller, it was still problematic because BCBS is a piece of sh#t and disallowed a whole ton of therapy and medical treatment he needed. But between the other driver's policy and ours, it was covered plus a settlement for each of us. If necessary, have your dad get a good attorney. Ours was worth his weight in gold. We were getting nothing but the run around from both car insurance companies as well as medical insurance. Once he became involved, all the jerks at the insurance groups fell in line and got with the program. It is so stupid to actually have to get an attorney to make them do what they are legally required to do, but since healthcare is for profit in this nation, insurance companies have a vested interest in screwing their customers.

[Dmmetler]

43 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Check your parents' policy. If the other driver is underinsured for the magnitude of the injuries your parents received, you may be able to recover from their policy if they and coverage for underinsured motorist. We did that with our insurance company because the woman who t-boned us was only insured for $100,000 personal liability per incident. Ds's medical bills for the first year alone were $350,000. While our medical insurance company was the primary biller, it was still problematic because BCBS is a piece of sh#t and disallowed a whole ton of therapy and medical treatment he needed. But between the other driver's policy and ours, it was covered plus a settlement for each of us. If necessary, have your dad get a good attorney. Ours was worth his weight in gold. We were getting nothing but the run around from both car insurance companies as well as medical insurance. Once he became involved, all the jerks at the insurance groups fell in line and got with the program. It is so stupid to actually have to get an attorney to make them do what they are legally required to do, but since healthcare is for profit in this nation, insurance companies have a vested interest in screwing their customers.

My lawyer brother is already doing research. (Disability law, which definitely means some familarity with dealing with insurance)

[happi duck]

Thank you for updating us!

[Frances]

Continuing to keep all of you in my thoughts. I’m so glad your mom is continuing to progress and improve.

[fraidycat]

I don't even remember if I've posted on this thread yet, but I've been following along and watching for updates. Thank you for keeping us in the loop.

I'm so glad your Mom is improving day by day, and am keeping all of you in my thoughts.

[Dmmetler]

No update on mom yet today. 

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to get through crisis without crumbling yourself? Between mom in ICU, getting L back to school and all the uncertainty there due to COVID and testing requirements, my dad and his recovery, and praying that we all stay COVID-free, because if we end up needing to quarantine, that leaves mom alone at the hospital for at least 5 days, maybe more, I woke up today feeling like I couldn't breathe myself. I know it's emotional, what I don't know is what I can do to keep from falling apart. 

[scholastica]

Deep breathing exercises, there are websites and apps that can guide you through it. 

Take time to do activities that calm you.            

Eat right, keep up any exercise routines, avoid excess alcohol and caffeine.                                

Let go of extraneous chores that can be caught up on later.                                                  

If you are a praying person, lean into that. If not, then meditation. There are apps for both. 

Give yourself permission to fall apart. It’s okay to fall apart. Your body will release some of the stress hormones in your tears. Tears are healthy. Feel the emotions, don’t stuff them. Fear, sadness, anger, all normal right now. Then pick yourself up and carry on.

Edited January 5, 2022 by scholastica

[Dmmetler]

Mom's doing well this morning. She's alert and writing a lot of notes again, so they'll proceed to try to adjust the vent, get her sitting up and moving more, and generally continuing to recover. (which relieves some of my anxiety this morning). 

[Ethel Mertz]

For stress: Yoga type breathing. Count items in the room. Count items of same color. Microwave a wet washcloth for 20-30 seconds and put over your face. Watch a sitcom to distract yourself (I Love Lucy, Gilligan’s Island, etc). Take a bath or shower. Hug someone.

[Dmmetler]

I've been watching a lot of The Masked Singer and working on my castle, which has been a good distraction.  Getting a good update this morning was helpful. 

I wish there were anywhere locally that was doing the rapid PCR test for COVID-the fear that we won't get L's back in time to go back to campus is really high, because emotionally, I think L will be better off when back on campus, even with two weeks of remote classes and no group meetings. Being 17 with a family member in ICU really stinks-you're old enough to understand what's going on, but too young to be allowed in the building. 

[Scarlett]

12 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

My lawyer brother is already doing research. (Disability law, which definitely means some familarity with dealing with insurance)

I am glad you have an attorney in the family. 

I wanted to add that although every single person on this board told me to get an attorney we did not and we 100% are happy that we did not get an attorney.  

[Dmmetler]

36 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am glad you have an attorney in the family. 

I wanted to add that although every single person on this board told me to get an attorney we did not and we 100% are happy that we did not get an attorney.  

I'm hoping it won't be necessary, but if nothing else, it gives my brother something to do, since he's a state away. I understand that feeling of needing to do something. 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

I'm hoping it won't be necessary, but if nothing else, it gives my brother something to do, since he's a state away. I understand that feeling of needing to do something. 

Absolutely! I would definitely make use of a family member being an attorney.

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, Dmmetler said:

No update on mom yet today. 

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to get through crisis without crumbling yourself? Between mom in ICU, getting L back to school and all the uncertainty there due to COVID and testing requirements, my dad and his recovery, and praying that we all stay COVID-free, because if we end up needing to quarantine, that leaves mom alone at the hospital for at least 5 days, maybe more, I woke up today feeling like I couldn't breathe myself. I know it's emotional, what I don't know is what I can do to keep from falling apart. 

I do not know. What I went through with my parents was beyond hell on earth. I think I ran on pure adrenaline. I do know that at night Mark forced me to get into the bathtub before bed, and put music on my kindle, lit a candle, and turned out the lights and told me to keep adding hot water and stay in their for an hour. It may have been the thing that allowed me to sleep, so I did that multiple times per week.

One thing that I do know helped too was quality food, and nor falling into the trap of running through the drive through or eating crap in the hospital cafeteria (which was, by the way, garbage...they really did not care what they served in that place 😠). I think if I were going through it now and didn't have time to pack food, I would be ordering the Mediterranean chicken bowl from Panera Bread quite often.

When commuting, put an audio book or music on and try to concentrate on that as a way of not over focusing on the problems at hand.

💓

[Harriet Vane]

1 hour ago, Dmmetler said:

No update on mom yet today. 

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to get through crisis without crumbling yourself? Between mom in ICU, getting L back to school and all the uncertainty there due to COVID and testing requirements, my dad and his recovery, and praying that we all stay COVID-free, because if we end up needing to quarantine, that leaves mom alone at the hospital for at least 5 days, maybe more, I woke up today feeling like I couldn't breathe myself. I know it's emotional, what I don't know is what I can do to keep from falling apart. 

I found I had to plan recovery time specifically. After doing the hard things, I would usually cry in the car while listening to something soothing. (40 minute drive) Then once home I needed to be alone with a book, movie, or internet fluff. In retrospect I think I would have been better off with a fast walk or bike ride after the alone time—something to get the blood pumping when it was time to re-enter life and family.

[livetoread]

I got most anxious when my mind started spinning into the future around all the possible bad outcomes. Even if those outcomes are likely, they aren't here yet, and forcing myself to focus on what I know now is true versus what might be true in the future was helpful.

Sometimes I wrote down what thoughts are aiding the anxiety and then asked myself whether they are true right now and if so, what if any control do I have to change the situation? If they weren't true now, I'd set the thoughts aside. If they were true now but I couldn't do much if anything to change the situation, I'd practice accepting that life sucks sometimes and I'm not owed a painfree life. Then I'd try and focus on something else for a minute or so that is good and I'm grateful for, like something beautiful in my house or out the window.

It was really important for me to take that time where I wasn't constantly thinking about the crisis, but instead focusing on something that fed my soul like the feel of my warm fuzzy cat in my lap, or how beautiful the sun was shining a certain way. I'd take a few cleansing breaths and just appreciate how good and nice it is and how glad I am to be experiencing it at that moment.  Doing this several times a day, especially after I had reeled myself back in from spinning about the future, made a big difference.

Editing to add, this was helpful during the acute crisis, but it was particularly helpful in the aftermath when things still weren't great and I was grieving the changes and terrified of the future. 

Edited January 5, 2022 by livetoread

[Starr]

1 hour ago, Dmmetler said:

I've been watching a lot of The Masked Singer and working on my castle, which has been a good distraction.  Getting a good update this morning was helpful. 

I wish there were anywhere locally that was doing the rapid PCR test for COVID-the fear that we won't get L's back in time to go back to campus is really high, because emotionally, I think L will be better off when back on campus, even with two weeks of remote classes and no group meetings. Being 17 with a family member in ICU really stinks-you're old enough to understand what's going on, but too young to be allowed in the building. 

Can she get a test more easily near campus? Can someone drive her however far that has testing? I don't have all the worries you have added but I do understand about your dd. Ds decided to head back to grad school in Newfoundland while we were sure we could get across the border to put him on a plane. They are also online to start the semester.  It took small town luck to get us tested in time. You have so much...I'm so sorry. I think she will be happy to get back to school even with the restrictions.

[Dmmetler]

Just now, Starr said:

Can she get a test more easily near campus? Can someone drive her however far that has testing? I don't have all the worries you have added but I do understand about your dd. Ds decided to head back to grad school in Newfoundland while we were sure we could get across the border to put him on a plane. They are also online to start the semester.  It took small town luck to get us tested in time. You have so much...I'm so sorry. I think she will be happy to get back to school even with the restrictions.

Since L is 17, I think a parent will have to sign. And, since a negative test is required to move back into the dorm, testing on campus isn't an option because there would be nowhere to go if it's negative. If we'd been able to drive out as planned, we could have come out a few days early and let L test on campus, and if it was positive, quarantined and did classes online from there-but that isn't an option now. 

 

I wish somewhere here could do a rapid test in a pharmacy or minor med clinic, but the only thing I'm finding is PCR-which means we need results back by Saturday AM for a test appointment Thurs AM due to discovering that L needed to move back in a day early in order to be there for required activities Sun afternoon that can't be done from a bus in the middle of Alabama.