Trying to Process the Next Step

[2squared]

Dh believes he will be offered his dream job tomorrow. I am very excited for him. 

Tomorrow he is likely to be appointed to the position, but next year he will have to run for election and withstand any potential challengers.

This position has a residency requirement. He must live within a certain geographical area, an area we do not currently live in. Right now we live 10ish miles outside this geographical area, and our kids are firmly entrenched in our school district. We do not plan on moving the kids’ schools. Our state has open enrollment so we can live outside our school district and keep the kids in their current school. We live two blocks from our school which is immensely convenient with two FT jobs and five kids. 

I work 15 min/12 miles from home, also not in this particular geographical area. Even after dh’s raise, I still make more than 50% of our income. We both have higher earning, professional jobs in a very rural area, meaning not a lot of other opportunities to make this much in other companies/positions. 

Our plan was for dh to move to the geographical area while the kids and I continued to live in our current house. Dh has a residency requirement; the rest of us do not. Dh would stay us with a few nights a week, and be around other evenings. He came home today believing he has a better chance of being elected if we buy a new property and have all of us move. 

I don’t want to move. This wasn’t a part of the deal. He’s looking at crappy farmhouses in the country. I don’t want to live in a crappy farmhouse (and my current house is nothing special, so I am willing to live in an older, outdated home). I don’t want to own tractors to snow plow my driveway. I don’t want to be on the road every night driving kids to and from activities. This sounds like a nightmare. We have games very night if the week. How will we be able to go to games and pick up the kids from practices? If we live in a rural country house outside our school district, car pooling will not be an option….our neighbors won’t be going to the same school!

Does anyone have good suggestions for us? I’m in panic mode. I can’t tell him to not take the job, but I also strongly feel that I don’t want to move. 

ETA: This is not a political position, and the position requires specific credentials to be appointed or elected. Dh’s boss was appointed to a lifetime position by the governor, so now dh is looking to promote into his boss’s role through appointment. He will have to run for election, and few others in the geographic location have the needed credentials. 

Edited October 1, 2021 by 2squared

[Arcadia]

7 minutes ago, 2squared said:

Tomorrow he is likely to be appointed to the position, but next year he will have to run for election and withstand any potential challengers.

I would not uproot for an uncertain job. I would be okay with paying two mortgages concurrently and we have done that before. My husband’s first job here in the states was his dream job. The company was and still is family oriented. However his department was spin off and the new management wasn’t as great. He was lucky to get a job in his current company before things became even worse. 
 

[Faith-manor]

53 minutes ago, 2squared said:

Dh believes he will be offered his dream job tomorrow. I am very excited for him. 

Tomorrow he is likely to be appointed to the position, but next year he will have to run for election and withstand any potential challengers.

This position has a residency requirement. He must live within a certain geographical area, an area we do not currently live in. Right now we live 10ish miles outside this geographical area, and our kids are firmly entrenched in our school district. We do not plan on moving the kids’ schools. Our state has open enrollment so we can live outside our school district and keep the kids in their current school. We live two blocks from our school which is immensely convenient with two FT jobs and five kids. 

I work 15 min/12 miles from home, also not in this particular geographical area. Even after dh’s raise, I still make more than 50% of our income. We both have higher earning, professional jobs in a very rural area, meaning not a lot of other opportunities to make this much in other companies/positions. 

Our plan was for dh to move to the geographical area while the kids and I continued to live in our current house. Dh has a residency requirement; the rest of us do not. Dh would stay us with a few nights a week, and be around other evenings. He came home today believing he has a better chance of being elected if we buy a new property and have all of us move. 

I don’t want to move. This wasn’t a part of the deal. He’s looking at crappy farmhouses in the country. I don’t want to live in a crappy farmhouse (and my current house is nothing special, so I am willing to live in an older, outdated home). I don’t want to own tractors to snow plow my driveway. I don’t want to be on the road every night driving kids to and from activities. This sounds like a nightmare. We have games very night if the week. How will we be able to go to games and pick up the kids from practices? If we live in a rural country house outside our school district, car pooling will not be an option….our neighbors won’t be going to the same school!

Does anyone have good suggestions for us? I’m in panic mode. I can’t tell him to not take the job, but I also strongly feel that I don’t want to move. 

He is not guaranteed to get the job even if you do move, so I would not recommend that. Elections are fickle. He should get a place in the district, you should remain with the kids, and this is NOT something he should talk about at work. Take the kids and show up for events in the district, at his place of work if appropriate, etc. The living arrangements do not need to be openly discussed with everyone. Dh has worked for the same company for many years, and yet none of his colleagues know where we live, and he doesn't have their addresses either. He does have a friend whose family lives in Chicago for her work, and works in Ann Arbor. So he has an apartment, and is there Sunday night - Thursday 10 hour days, goes home Thursday evening, and has three days with his family coming back Sunday evening. 

If someone finds out and asks, tell them since the school year has already begun, you felt it was best not to uproot the children, and will revisit the issue later. Then you can see if he gets elected to the job and have time to explore living arrangements. Plus, as you say, even with his dream job, you are the primary income so that needs to come first.

[Frances]

I would not move in your situation. The sacrifices seem too great for a job that might only be short term. Every single one of our neighbors who used to live in the country moved to town by the time their kids were in middle school/high school. The driving was just too much otherwise and most of these were not even two FT working parent situations. I’d stick with the original plan and let the chips fall where they may concerning the election.

[2squared]

12 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

He is not guaranteed to get the job even if you do move, so I would not recommend that. Elections are fickle. He should get a place in the district, you should remain with the kids, and this is NOT something he should talk about at work. Take the kids and show up for events in the district, at his place of work if appropriate, etc. The living arrangements do not need to be openly discussed with everyone. Dh has worked for the same company for many years, and yet none of his colleagues know where we live, and he doesn't have their addresses either. He does have a friend whose family lives in Chicago for her work, and works in Ann Arbor. So he has an apartment, and is there Sunday night - Thursday 10 hour days, goes home Thursday evening, and has three days with his family coming back Sunday evening. 

If someone finds out and asks, tell them since the school year has already begun, you felt it was best not to uproot the children, and will revisit the issue later. Then you can see if he gets elected to the job and have time to explore living arrangements. Plus, as you say, even with his dream job, you are the primary income so that needs to come first.

This is my thought exactly. Buying something before he has won election seems really stupid. I don’t mind having two mortgages…after an election. I do mind having two mortgages on two crappy houses before the election. 

We live in rural small town USA, so it will be very obvious my kids aren’t in one of the schools in the geographical area….but we won’t be moving their school regardless of where we live. 

[Ausmumof3]

Depending on the driving distances, rural living might be a fun adventure eventually but it doesn’t seem worth doing yet.  Better to get DH settled in the new job and make sure it’s working and then be open to possibilities I think.

[fraidycat]

We tried "country living" 20 minutes from town/school/activities when my two were in middle and high school.
 

It.did.not.work. I was never ever home - it was too far to drive back after I was in town for the day. The fuel bill was already large enough! The kids had activities 5 days/week + games on Saturdays. Neither DH, nor I were working at the time and it was still crazy trying to schedule who was driving which kid where and at what time and which errands were being done by whom while waiting between chauffeur duties. I couldn't imagine trying to do that WITH two full time jobs!

I will also note that I did not want to move there and DH did. 😖 We lasted 11 months, then found a place back in town. Thank goodness we were only renting! I wouldn't want to imagine the state of our marriage and family life if we were tied to a mortgage there.

[2squared]

5 hours ago, fraidycat said:

We tried "country living" 20 minutes from town/school/activities when my two were in middle and high school.
 

It.did.not.work. I was never ever home - it was too far to drive back after I was in town for the day. The fuel bill was already large enough! The kids had activities 5 days/week + games on Saturdays. Neither DH, nor I were working at the time and it was still crazy trying to schedule who was driving which kid where and at what time and which errands were being done by whom while waiting between chauffeur duties. I couldn't imagine trying to do that WITH two full time jobs!

I will also note that I did not want to move there and DH did. 😖 We lasted 11 months, then found a place back in town. Thank goodness we were only renting! I wouldn't want to imagine the state of our marriage and family life if we were tied to a mortgage there.

Our schedule today:
5:30 drop dd2 for volleyball practice
6:45 drop dd2 for football practice/pick up dd2
7:00 dh to work
7:50 drop dd2 & ds3 at school
7:55 dw to work
8:00 ds1 drives to school
3:15 dd2 & ds3 home from school
3:15 ds1 & ds2 pregame football practice at school
4:00 ds1 & ds2 home
5:00 ds1 & ds2 to football game
5:15 dw home from work
5:15 dh home from work 
6:30 rest of family to football game

This would be crazy town if we didn’t live in town. 

Edited October 1, 2021 by 2squared

[2squared]

The more I think about this, the more I think dh has to move by himself. He can come home on the weekends. Moving allows him to embed into the community easier and saves on commute time. Our family already has three centers of activity, and the three centers make a triangle. They are not linear. It makes no sense to add a fourth location. 
 

I know he doesn’t want to miss out on the kids, but he’s going to miss out no matter where we live. He won’t be driving the kids from our new home to school and then 35 min to work, and I don’t want to make that commute either. Why make life harder on everyone?
 

The easiest answer is to move the kids, but we have been aligned that moving the kids’ school is not an option. Maybe it becomes an option? 

Today:
dh work - 35 min from school
dw work - 15 min from school
kid school

[BlsdMama]

I live in the country house outside of the district... What kind of travel time are you talking? 
 

In rural towns, living apart, etc., wold be found out and people do talk. Would it hurt his chances? On the upside, ability to rent is low so you could temporarily rent out your house?

I will admit I hate traveling. There are days when I “commute” 3-4 trips there (and then back) and it swallows up the entire day. 
 

How old are your kids? This matters. DS has his license so I didn’t drive kids to their class this morning. DD will soon have her school permit... my driving days are coming to a close so now I’ma bit more glad we didn’t give up our house in the country, but there are pros and cons. Sigh. 
 

I’m not trying to convince you, I’m just not sure I could impact negatively DH’s opportunity at his “dream job” if I had it within my power to positively impact it. The time driving to school practices has an expiration. Just a flip side view. 

[BlsdMama]

7 minutes ago, 2squared said:

The more I think about this, the more I think dh has to move by himself. He can come home on the weekends. Moving allows him to embed into the community easier and saves on commute time. Our family already has three centers of activity, and the three centers make a triangle. They are not linear. It makes no sense to add a fourth location. 
 

I know he doesn’t want to miss out on the kids, but he’s going to miss out no matter where we live. He won’t be driving the kids from our new home to school and then 35 min to work, and I don’t want to make that commute either. Why make life harder on everyone?
 

The easiest answer is to move the kids, but we have been aligned that moving the kids’ school is not an option. Maybe it becomes an option? 

Today:
dh work - 35 min from school
dw work - 15 min from school
kid school

Maybe it does. I don’t think I’d take anything off the table without serious consideration. 

[kristin0713]

I agree with not uprooting everyone. Can he rent a small apartment and change his residency on paper? You have the perfect excuse if anyone asks that you are waiting to relocate until things settle down because of the kids. These are crazy times. I think it would new understandable now more than ever.  And I also agree that nobody has to know where exactly you all live. 

[barnwife]

6 minutes ago, kristin0713 said:

I agree with not uprooting everyone. Can he rent a small apartment and change his residency on paper? You have the perfect excuse if anyone asks that you are waiting to relocate until things settle down because of the kids. These are crazy times. I think it would new understandable now more than ever.  And I also agree that nobody has to know where exactly you all live. 

Re: what I bolded...If her rural area is anything like ours, living location would stay a secret for approximately 2 seconds, if they are lucky! 

Now, as for what I'd do, OP, is leave all options on the table for discussion. Then I'd have DH and I make a list of pros/cons for each option. I'd do this separately. Then, we'd compare lists. (Our reality is that some things I think of as pros would be on his con list and vice versa. Making the lists separately would help us see that and bring about good discussion.) Also, I'd even ask the kids who are old enough for their thoughts. 

And without a clear winning option, I wouldn't make any more major changes than absolutely necessary until after the election. So there would be plenty of time for discussion.

FWIW, we live rurally (less than 10 minutes from town, even less than that to the school which is on the end of town closest to us). We also have 5 kids. I do not enjoy driving. Therefore, as our kids get older and involved in more activities (oldest is 11), we will definitely have to choose only those things most important to them. Practically speaking, it most likely means they each can be involved in 1 activity at a time. (Which, given that they are currently doing no activities, seems like a ton!)

So, OP, I think there are many ways this could play out. All that matters is finding the best path for your family, and I hope you do!

[prairiewindmomma]

For us, in our marriage, that would be a family decision and all family decisions have to work for everyone.  We've made a series of compromises over the years---I've uprooted several times and moved cross-country, and there have also been places I flat out refuse to move to. I have a list of basic criteria we operate from so it doesn't feel personal.

Your original agreement was that dh would move. He's trying to switch the terms. That's not fair. Working life is only one aspect of personal fulfillment. He also chose to marry and have a a family. Where he lives may influence whether or not he can win the election. OTOH, elections are very fickle things AND this decision as a whole does not work for everyone.

ETA: I know judges, city planners, county commissioners and a whole slew of rural people who have the split arrangement you describe.  It has worked really well for some, and blownback for others and I don't seem to see a real pattern to it.

 

Edited October 1, 2021 by prairiewindmomma

[vonfirmath]

3 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I live in the country house outside of the district... What kind of travel time are you talking? 
 

In rural towns, living apart, etc., wold be found out and people do talk. Would it hurt his chances? On the upside, ability to rent is low so you could temporarily rent out your house?

I will admit I hate traveling. There are days when I “commute” 3-4 trips there (and then back) and it swallows up the entire day. 
 

How old are your kids? This matters. DS has his license so I didn’t drive kids to their class this morning. DD will soon have her school permit... my driving days are coming to a close so now I’ma bit more glad we didn’t give up our house in the country, but there are pros and cons. Sigh. 
 

I’m not trying to convince you, I’m just not sure I could impact negatively DH’s opportunity at his “dream job” if I had it within my power to positively impact it. The time driving to school practices has an expiration. Just a flip side view. 

I know it definitely hurt one of our candidates chances in our local election that she didn't actually live in town -- her REAL home was in a different town and she had a temporary home in our town she set up to meet the legal requirements. It was not looked at favorably at all. It was seen as a crony situation that she was appointed to the position and she lost the election decidedly.

 

[Acadie]

How old are your kids? Is it possible to think of this in phases, rather than an either/or proposition, and to hash out all the options open to you for each phase, including renting, owning two homes, and moving?

1. Current situation: dh will be appointed and you live outside the district now.

2. He runs for election and needs to reside within the area required, but school and activities are where you currently live.

3. Your kids are getting older and you have either more teen drivers or some who have launched. When will that time come for your family, and what might shift at that point? 

Additional questions--is there any chance at all for him to get a lifetime appointment, like his boss, at any phase of the process? How did that lifetime appointment come about, anyway? 

Is there anyone he trusts completely who could help him suss out the legal and local political ramifications of the various options you identify? 

 

 

Edited October 1, 2021 by Acadie

[J-rap]

We've known politicians who have an apartment in one location and a more permanent residence where family is in another.  Depending on the position, area, etc., people might be accommodating to that arrangement.

On the other hand, we've also lived in a rural area where plenty of farm families live 20-30 minutes away from schools, and their kids were very involved in sports and extracurricular activities.  Busses were great -- and I think there was even a late afternoon bus (after sports practices).  Car pooling, catching rides with other farm families, etc, plus kids getting their driver's license as soon as they were old enough also helped.

[Scarlett]

I will be the outlier.  I would just move or turn down the job.  I wouldn't separate my family that way.  And even if he wins one election that doesn't guarantee the job forever does it?  

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I will be the outlier.  I would just move or turn down the job.  I wouldn't separate my family that way.  And even if he wins one election that doesn't guarantee the job forever does it?  

I’m wondering about this, too. How secure will this job be, assuming he wins the upcoming election? 

I certainly wouldn’t even consider uprooting my entire family for a job that is dependent on an election that hasn’t happened yet, because if he loses the election, you might end up needing to move yet again so he can find a new position. 

[Carol in Cal.]

What would he do if he lost the election?

[Spryte]

DH and I would not move or change our family life on a temporary (even dream) job that is dependent upon an election next year. Maybe to an area that would benefit all of us, an area that offered more opportunities for all family members. If it’s someplace we all wanted to move. But this sounds like you don’t want to move there, and neither do the kids. So … Nope.

Personally, I think the option we’d choose is a second home for DH, and we’d visit as able, he could come home on weekends. No way would we buy a house and move kids to a new school/area on the supposition it would bolster DH’s chance of winning an election. What happens if he doesn’t win? You’re stuck where you don’t want to be? You’ve had the expense of a move, and the kids have uprooted for nothing substantial?

Just adding, too, that I would deeply hate living separately from DH. Ugh. But if he had to do it, really needed this, then we could make it work.

And I’ve heard other people say this, so I know we are not alone, but we are a “One No” family on the Really Big Topics. Things like moving, house buying, having a baby … It only takes one no from either of us to nix it. There’s nothing in life that either of us could deeply enjoy if it makes the other one miserable. If you truly don’t want to move to that area, just don’t. Find another solution!

[Scarlett]

No job is secure really.  So I would not make my decision based upon the 'security'.  I mean, you might make more money today and tomorrow you might be unemployed.  

I would consider renting out current house and looking for something to rent in the new location until you get a feel for it all. 

And although I kinda agree with the 'One No' concept, I also could not be happy if I kept my husband from getting his dream job.  

[Lecka]

My thought is just — he mentioned it and was excited on Day 1.  There is a lot of time to think things through on both sides.  He might have been thinking about the exciting part but not the difficulties.  Otoh maybe it would turn out to be acceptable to move the kids’ school and sports.  
 

I hope there is time before any commitment has to be made.

 

I think the actual kids involved matter, too.  Some kids are more flexible than others.  Some kids adjust well to change and others struggle.  I think if there is just a principle involved that is different than if actual children are unlikely to adjust well to a change.  If the reason it’s undesirable is that the school and/or sports are less desirable, I think that matters, too.  Sometimes it’s just the fact of a move, and other times it is the desirability.  
 

I think the age of the kids matters, too.  If they are close to driving maybe they can drive.  If they are younger maybe the would adjust more easily.  
 

But my main take is — maybe the husband came home really excited but not thinking things through, not thinking through the impact on the whole family, not thinking through placing a strain on his wife, etc.  

 

I would hope that soon that would fade and realistic thinking would take over — which would include thinking through cons and not just pros.  

[Spryte]

52 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

No job is secure really.  So I would not make my decision based upon the 'security'.  I mean, you might make more money today and tomorrow you might be unemployed.  

I would consider renting out current house and looking for something to rent in the new location until you get a feel for it all. 

And although I kinda agree with the 'One No' concept, I also could not be happy if I kept my husband from getting his dream job.  

Yes, if the no is going to make one of us miserable, neither of us could live with that either. We take our “one no” really seriously, and would only use the veto option if a choice was absolutely not acceptable.

We actually moved cross country, to an area I don’t love, because of a dream job for DH. But the benefits to both of us definitely outweighed my aversion the area, so in the end it was a no-brainer. We didn’t have kids then, though.

[Carol in Cal.]

My DH was out of work for 17 months after a lay off once, and he was offered a really weird temp job.  It was similar to an adjunct professor.  The location was an hour away, and he would have worked 4 days per week in the morning and evening but not the afternoons.  So, a tough night followed by a tough commute in the morning 3 days per week.  Plus course development work (unpaid) in between.

It was at a community college, so if a class did not fill it would not be held.  But you didn’t know that until two weeks into the semester, usually.  And no pay for holidays or inter sessions—just straight hourly pay (but very good hourly pay.)

At that point I had started working myself, and was still homeschooling, and his expectation was that I would step up so he could take this job by taking over ALL child wrangling completely.

And I said no.  This is unreasonable.  It’s not a real job job, and it’s a schedule that will kill you, and working 55 hours per week plus homeschooling is already killing me with you helping with some child driving—I’m not able to take it all.  And if you have it in mind to move there, that’s something we can consider, but we will lose all of our connections, and DD has already lost most of her comfortable life and that would take away her friends and her home, too.  All for a very uncertain job commitment by your new employer.  We are giving up too much for too little.  If you got a full time job offer there, that would be different.  

He was furious with me.  It was hard.  But I was right.  Later on he got a real job in our area.

[Emba]

I live in the country, a 20 minute drive from the school my children attend, which is not in our district. Other parents I know are twice as far out of district, but none have high schoolers yet.

 I have 3 kids: one high schooler, one middle schooler, and one in elementary. Only the older two are doing extracurriculars right now, though next week my youngest starts a once a week rocket club. Meetings for the club are conveniently timed in regards to the other two kids’ practices.

i work part time, and none of my work hours conflict with the hours needed to pick up and drop off my kids at school, which was one of the conditions that made it a job I would take.

We have limited the number of things our kids can get involved in. This year my youngest badly wanted to play pee wee football, but we told him no because it required too many practices at time completely incompatible with the practices of the other two. My athletic child Can do one sport a semester: for example football or basketball, not both. Any new activity that they want to get involved in requires a hard look at practice times and how they fit with the schedule for the whole family. Sometimes they just have to not go to practices and events that just don’t work, and if it means less play time, so be it.

 My DD will get her drivers license soon, the very instant she’s able. That should take some of the pressure off of her last two years of high school, allowing her to participate in more if she wants.

 My husband and I also spend a lot of time waiting around town between things. I got off of work and waited a half hour for the football game to end recently to pick up my child.   My DH has waited even longer at times.

 This is a reality of rural life. We do it because where we live is convenient to the farmland that DH farms to support the family. But if that weren’t true I think I’d prefer living in town.

 It also affects my kids’ social lives. Less visits with friends than if all they had to do was pop down the block to a friend’s house. No going to the Fifth Quarter event at the pizza place after football game, because mom is tired from work and hanging around town another minute more is just too much to think about. Etc.

 This is not to sway You one way or the other, but just to give you some example of the choices you might face. I like rural life but just like anything, there are trade offs. In town there are trade offs too, most notably dealing with neighbors.

Edited October 1, 2021 by Emba

[2squared]

Thank you for the continued discussions and real life considerations.

Our kids at home are senior, freshman, 8th grade, 5th grade. All of them are three sport athletes, strong students, and active socially. They are thriving. The new district is far less attractive in terms of academics and sports.

I am currently employed FT in a demanding professional job which requires a lot of mental energy and 40+ hours/week. I also take on 90% of the child wrangling and 90% of child mental wrangling since my job is physically closer to home and more flexible. I would love to not work or work PT, but I don’t view either change as an option pre-election. If we have dual-households, I think reducing or quitting may be tough financially, well tough without a significant downgrade in lifestyle. 

Dh accepted the job yesterday. He’s blissfully happy. 

We won’t be able to talk about living arrangements without fighting, I am certain. He is thinking of the time he would lose with us if he moves alone. He’s not thinking of the cost the rest of us would pay. 

So, I think the answer is to break this decision into parts:
1) Let him start the job and experience the additional responsibilities. Hopefully he will move from blissful to practical during this stage
2) From practical to election - Determine how much we are willing to give to help him get elected. I am willing to take on shirt-term pain to achieve that goal. I am willing to take on a second mortgage. I am NOT willing to move our family 20 miles away to live in a crappy house in the middle of the country. 
3) post-election - This is will be our new norm. What does it look like?

if elected, he will have a four year term. He’s hoping to be promoted to a lifetime appointment before that four year term is up, but…he has to live in that district for the appointment. We are likely to end up there eventually, which is completely fine with me….once the kids and I aren’t significantly impacted anymore. 

[Scarlett]

58 minutes ago, 2squared said:

Thank you for the continued discussions and real life considerations.

Our kids at home are senior, freshman, 8th grade, 5th grade. All of them are three sport athletes, strong students, and active socially. They are thriving. The new district is far less attractive in terms of academics and sports.

I can’t wrap my mind around this level of activity.  😱 I don’t know how y’all do that.

[Faith-manor]

Senior year is a really bad time to have upheaval as well. Really bad! College app season, sports scouts, keeping up grades, etc. I highly advise that for the sake of your senior, you stay strong, and do not cave. One year of trying this out with your husband living elsewhere and being together on the weekends is not going to be a bad. With this level of activity and him settling into a new job, time will fly.

[Harriet Vane]

There is no way at all that I would yank a high school senior away from their senior year with their friends.

We did an interstate move when my dd was entering her junior year of high school. It was really hard on her. 
 

Consider moving AFTER the election. Definitely not before.

[ktgrok]

28 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

There is no way at all that I would yank a high school senior away from their senior year with their friends.

We did an interstate move when my dd was entering her junior year of high school. It was really hard on her. 
 

Consider moving AFTER the election. Definitely not before.

This. Your DH could always make that known while he campaigns, that the kids and you are staying so your child can finish senior year. People will understand that. It shows him as a family man, but without making you move. Then consider moving after the election, since you would have a 4 yr term at minimum. Moving for a known 4 yrs makes more sense than moving for what might be only a year or less. 

[PeterPan]

2 hours ago, 2squared said:

to live in a crappy house in the middle of the country. 

You could try to *build* and be on the edge of the new district, close enough to commute and keep your kids in their current schools.

[Lecka]

If all your kids were elementary school or younger I would think it was a different situation.  

[Frances]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I can’t wrap my mind around this level of activity.  😱 I don’t know how y’all do that.

I think it can depend on what all of that actually entails for parents. In the rural area where I grew up, the parents wouldn’t have had to do anything for a child to be a three sport athlete. Buses were provided for every game and practice. Some parents attended all home games, some attended none. It was rare for parents to travel to away games unless it was some sort of district or state championship. Ditto for band, theatre, etc. I think the model is a good one, although likely all school districts can’t afford it, because it means all kids can participate, even those whose parents don’t want to or can’t be involved at all.

[2squared]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I can’t wrap my mind around this level of activity.  😱 I don’t know how y’all do that.

We do it by living two blocks from the school! And, if course, my flexible job which is only a 15 min commute. Our kids (can) come and go themselves for all their practices and games, and they have very easy access to their friends. The school buses to away games, but we generally attend all home and away games. Dh and I split up since we often have kids going in different directions. 
 

My senior is being recruited to play two of his sports in college (which is fun, but I prefer he doesn’t continue into college) My oldest three were varsity starters as 8th graders in their winter sports. My kids are athletic and really enjoy their activities. The school they currently attend has very strong athletic programs. We aren’t a crazy family, but I can say for certain that my kids are thriving in their extracurriculars. 

[2squared]

2 hours ago, PeterPan said:

You could try to *build* and be on the edge of the new district, close enough to commute and keep your kids in their current schools.

We have open enrollment, so we can live anywhere and keep the kids in their current school. Our current school/home-dw work-dh work commute is a triangle. I work 15 min east of home, dh works 35 min northeast of home. If we build within the district, we would need to build north of our current home. This makes a square commute wise. Dh cuts his commute, my commute increases, and the kids now have a commute. 

While our current setup works because the kids can walk to school and activities, I am maxed out right now. We are so busy with with FT jobs and five kids. Adding the extra driving right now puts me over the edge.

I agree. Our senior can’t move, even if he stays in the same school district. That just adds so much stress to an already full life. 

[BlsdMama]

5 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I can’t wrap my mind around this level of activity.  😱 I don’t know how y’all do that.

We just... do. 🤷🏼‍♀️ When you have multiple kids with strong interests your choices are three:

1. Jump in with gusto and encouragement. 
2. Aquiesce, grudgingly or resigned. 
3. Refuse them access

But #2 and #3 end up with less committed and enthusiastic kids so I only see option #1 as a decent reality.

 

Mama, it’s a tough choice. I love the country and despise the drive. If I weren’t sick, I’d remind myself it’s only nine short years until the youngest has a license, lol. As it is, I remind myself the kids have the most active memories of US here.

How close can you move and be within your current district? What would that commute look like? I’d HATE to live apart because the impact to the kids is rough. Are your kids so athletic that we’re talking college sports? If not, I’d consider it passionate fun but not necessary to have an amazing sports program. Is the move academically impactful in smaller school/fewer choices or truly a poor district that doesn’t adequately prepare students? It’s now the shades of the decision. Four years from now makes your youngest a freshman.... As an aside, why is a country home the only option? I assume the county has towns? 

 

[BlsdMama]

4 hours ago, ktgrok said:

This. Your DH could always make that known while he campaigns, that the kids and you are staying so your child can finish senior year. People will understand that. It shows him as a family man, but without making you move. Then consider moving after the election, since you would have a 4 yr term at minimum. Moving for a known 4 yrs makes more sense than moving for what might be only a year or less. 

This has a lot of logic. 

[prairiewindmomma]

5 hours ago, 2squared said:

We have open enrollment, so we can live anywhere and keep the kids in their current school. Our current school/home-dw work-dh work commute is a triangle. I work 15 min east of home, dh works 35 min northeast of home. If we build within the district, we would need to build north of our current home. This makes a square commute wise. Dh cuts his commute, my commute increases, and the kids now have a commute. 

While our current setup works because the kids can walk to school and activities, I am maxed out right now. We are so busy with with FT jobs and five kids. Adding the extra driving right now puts me over the edge.

I agree. Our senior can’t move, even if he stays in the same school district. That just adds so much stress to an already full life. 

If I were to brainstorm, could you hire a driver for the kids? That’s what most of the professional women in my life do. Some even hire two different drivers if activities conflict.

Like, you may want to do this even if you don’t move. Everybody needs a bit of margin in life.

[KungFuPanda]

There is NO good time for you to move without pulling at least one kid from high school, friends, and activities that they love or adding significant commuting time to the schedules of FIVE other people.  You have 7 more YEARS of parenting high schoolers.  Your DH is asking too much.  He seems to want ALL the benefits while the rest of you shoulder the con side of the list.  That's no way to run a family.  Would he consider doing it for you . . . taking care of EVERYTHING while you lived elsewhere alone? Maybe if you got a couple older kids driving, or a few kids off to college and cut your parenting load in half, but that's 4 years off.  

I think living outside the district WILL hurt his chances of being elected in a close, rural race.  Some people won't want to be represented by someone who moved there JUST to get elected.  I get why he wants the optics of living there, but it's dishonest.  Nobody else WANTS to live in that crummy district and the local community will pick up on it not being good enough for you.  Sometimes things don't work out.  I'd make this decision on what's best for the family overall and protects your relationships 10 years down the road.  Sometime the team DOES make the sacrifice for one person's dreams, but there are no easy solutions here.  I don't envy you right now.

[2squared]

5 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

 

The district is 50 miles x 20 miles, so a long rectangle. The two towns in the district are on the Far east and far west of the triangle. We live 10 miles south smack dab in the middle of the rectangle. If we intend on keeping our kids in the current school, we would want to stay as close as possible to the school, which means in the country. The two towns would be >30 minutes from the school. I looked at the map today, and dh’s commute wouldn’t change. My commute becomes 10 miles/10 minutes longer. 

Dh has a crazy idea of building a country house on empty farm land. He obviously isn’t considering the cost of building or the building delays right now. And….If we build, I am building a house I like. I am NOT building a cheap house. 

Tonight he was discussing applying for the lifetime appointment position that opens in three years with oldest ds. My practical hat is wondering why we would build a brand new house when he is planning to switch jobs again in three years. This country house would not be our long-term home after the kids all graduate. 

I think reality did set in a little when he saw the kids’ reactions to moving. We need him to get beyond the blissful stage before engaging in long-term planning. 
 

ETA: I don’t see how building a place just over the border makes us look more committed to the district. Technically we would be in the district, but we wouldn’t live in either population center and our kids would still be outside of the district.  

if he moves by himself, then it’s pretty much the same as if we were separated or divorced. I don’t think separate living arrangements should count against him. Lots of families have unique arrangements for various reasons. In fact….we may be separated or divorced by the time this is over anyway!

Edited October 3, 2021 by 2squared

[Annie G]

When is the election next year? You could totally split households if the election is a spring one. People will understand not moving a senior in high school. But if it’s a November election it might not be as friendly. If someone runs against him they might very well convince voters that your dh is not committed to the district. That might not happen, but I can say in our rural county elections get heated and that situation would absolutely be brought up. 
You’re already doing 90% of the physical and mental wrangling of kids? I think that’s a whole lot. I’d probably feel resentment that I was working full time and doing the majority of parenting and dh was seemingly not sensitive to anything but his own interests. So kudos to you…I’d be pretty crabby  about his dream job. 

[Faith-manor]

33 minutes ago, 2squared said:

The district is 50 miles x 20 miles, so a long rectangle. The two towns in the district are on the Far east and far west of the triangle. We live 10 miles south smack dab in the middle of the rectangle. If we intend on keeping our kids in the current school, we would want to stay as close as possible to the school, which means in the country. The two towns would be >30 minutes from the school. I looked at the map today, and dh’s commute wouldn’t change. My commute becomes 10 miles/10 minutes longer. 

Dh has a crazy idea of building a country house on empty farm land. He obviously isn’t considering the cost of building or the building delays right now. And….If we build, I am building a house I like. I am NOT building a cheap house. 

Tonight he was discussing applying for the lifetime appointment position that opens in three years with oldest ds. My practical hat is wondering why we would build a brand new house when he is planning to switch jobs again in three years. This country house would not be our long-term home after the kids all graduate. 

I think reality did set in a little when he saw the kids’ reactions to moving. We need him to get beyond the blissful stage before engaging in long-term planning. 
 

ETA: I don’t see how building a place just over the border makes us look more committed to the district. Technically we would be in the district, but we wouldn’t live in either population center and our kids would still be outside of the district.  

if he moves by himself, then it’s pretty much the same as if we were separated or divorced. I don’t think separate living arrangements should count against him. Lots of families have unique arrangements for various reasons. In fact….we may be separated or divorced by the time this is over anyway!

I understand. This would be a deal breaker to me. I would probably legally separate if he insisted, and let him fend for himself. It might be a wake up call for him to confront just how kuch he does or does not care for his family. But that is me. I simply would not tolerate my husband throwing me and the children under the bus, and especially for something that may very well only last a year.

[Catwoman]

13 hours ago, 2squared said:

Thank you for the continued discussions and real life considerations.

Our kids at home are senior, freshman, 8th grade, 5th grade. All of them are three sport athletes, strong students, and active socially. They are thriving. The new district is far less attractive in terms of academics and sports.

I am currently employed FT in a demanding professional job which requires a lot of mental energy and 40+ hours/week. I also take on 90% of the child wrangling and 90% of child mental wrangling since my job is physically closer to home and more flexible. I would love to not work or work PT, but I don’t view either change as an option pre-election. If we have dual-households, I think reducing or quitting may be tough financially, well tough without a significant downgrade in lifestyle. 

Dh accepted the job yesterday. He’s blissfully happy. 

We won’t be able to talk about living arrangements without fighting, I am certain. He is thinking of the time he would lose with us if he moves alone. He’s not thinking of the cost the rest of us would pay. 

So, I think the answer is to break this decision into parts:
1) Let him start the job and experience the additional responsibilities. Hopefully he will move from blissful to practical during this stage
2) From practical to election - Determine how much we are willing to give to help him get elected. I am willing to take on shirt-term pain to achieve that goal. I am willing to take on a second mortgage. I am NOT willing to move our family 20 miles away to live in a crappy house in the middle of the country. 
3) post-election - This is will be our new norm. What does it look like?

if elected, he will have a four year term. He’s hoping to be promoted to a lifetime appointment before that four year term is up, but…he has to live in that district for the appointment. We are likely to end up there eventually, which is completely fine with me….once the kids and I aren’t significantly impacted anymore. 

Wait a minute.

He already accepted the job without agreement from the rest of the family?

Ummm…. No. 

That’s just not right. 😞 

[2squared]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

Wait a minute.

He already accepted the job without agreement from the rest of the family?

Ummm…. No. 

That’s just not right. 😞 

I’m OK with the job. I’m not OK with changing our living arrangements plan. The job became available and the hiring decision happened within 7 days. His boss had applied for the lifetime appointment many times and had not been successful, so neither of us thought it was a real possibility. But we had talked about what ifs prior to this week, and the what if’s never involved physically moving the kids or me. That curve ball came the night before the interview and job offer. I truly don’t see any way I could have stopped the freight train on this one. 

it’s just such a frustrating situation. I am so happy he has his dream job, but I’m not at all happy with him just assuming moving the rest of us wouldn’t be an issue. He’s so excited that he isn’t stopping to see the very real issues. 

I want to cry and wake up from this bad dream tomorrow. 

[2squared]

I want to give hiM time to get his head in a Different place before we have the tough conversations, but I also think we need to have those conversations before he goes to work on Monday. He could go back and turn down the job….I just don’t see him agreeing to that. I don’t see a path to him not taking the job. 

Edited October 3, 2021 by 2squared