Habits to cultivate before adulthood?

[Slache]

My eldest is 9. I am going to have him start a bullet journal this January and maybe a commonplace book the following year. We're making exercise a regular thing for him as well as morning Bible reading. Obviously cooking and cleaning are on the list. What else would be beneficial for him to begin now?

[Tanaqui]

Something he suggests - not something we suggest. That way you get the buy-in. If he doesn't think this new habit or that one is a good idea, then it's not worth pushing.

[Pen]

Maybe read Benjamin Franklin, Stephen Covey or other people (Atomic Habits?) about the habits they chose to develop and how they did it, and then discuss what habits your son thinks might be important along those lines, plus perhaps sharing some you think would be a good idea ?

 

[Pen]

Exercise, healthy eating, hygiene, regular sleep, hard work, life balance, cleaning up, having margins, optimism ... 

Are some specifics that might be good to practice at age 9

[Jaybee]

Learning how to use basic tools. 

[Sneezyone]

Self-advocacy.

[Slache]

33 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

Something he suggests - not something we suggest. That way you get the buy-in. If he doesn't think this new habit or that one is a good idea, then it's not worth pushing.

He picked the BJ and I think he'll ask for the CP book. He's also the one who chose to start running. He definitely has the majority rule.

21 minutes ago, Pen said:

Maybe read Benjamin Franklin, Stephen Covey or other people (Atomic Habits?) about the habits they chose to develop and how they did it, and then discuss what habits your son thinks might be important along those lines, plus perhaps sharing some you think would be a good idea ?

This is brilliant! I think we'll read them together. Is there a particular Franklin book? I assume his autobiography? Or Book of Virtues?

18 minutes ago, Pen said:

Exercise, healthy eating, hygiene, regular sleep, hard work, life balance, cleaning up, having margins, optimism ... 

Are some specifics that might be good to practice at age 9

Exercise - About 4 times a week. Right now is running and pushups, both with Daddy.
Healthy eating - We've got this.
Hygiene - We've got this, too.
Regular sleep - This is a struggle for him. We have a routine, weighted blanket and blackout curtains. I'm fairly certain he inherited a sleep disorder.
Hard work - Comes natural to him.
Life balance - This does not come natural. I'm verbal about what I see to aid in self regulation "Other people's emotions are not your responsibly." "You seem quite tired. Are you sure you should be doing that today?" "You wanted to go in a hike tomorrow. Finishing your math today is probably the wiser decision."
Cleaning up - We clean up before meals but I really want the one thing out at a time approach!!!
Having margins - I don't know what this means. I think you misspelled margaritas? Unless you mean like boundaries, which we're working on.
Optimism - Help.

Edited October 23, 2020 by Slache

[Slache]

1 minute ago, Jaybee said:

Learning how to use basic tools. 

Yes!

1 minute ago, Sneezyone said:

Self-advocacy.

Ouch. Also, yes.

[Lori D.]

Not exactly habits, but Christine Field's book Life Skills for Kids has ideas in these 14 areas:
- responsibility
- people skills
- home skills
- life navigation skills
- time management
- space management
- house fixing/maintenance skills
- personal finance
- physical health
- mental health
- spiritual habits
- decision-making skills
- creativity
- celebration skills

[Sneezyone]

8 minutes ago, Slache said:

Yes!

Ouch. Also, yes.

It's one of the biggest missing links I see in teens and young adults. By the end of high school, my goal is to have no contact with teachers/coaches/physicians/dentists. If they need me for transportation, money, FYI - they should tell me....IN ADVANCE. If they need help with a class or do not understand something, they are prompted to contact the teacher, attend office hours, stay after class, secure a tutor (they are both able to create accounts, for free, on tutor.com) If they run out of shampoo, deodorant, etc. TELL ME! I am not going to be responsible for checking to see that they're out. We scaffold up, of course, but DD (16) is getting very, very good at this. I will NOT be contacting professors, deans, etc. about matters that do not concern me.

Edited October 23, 2020 by Sneezyone

[Slache]

1 minute ago, Sneezyone said:

It's one of the biggest missing links I see in teens and young adults. By the end of high school, my goal is to have no contact with teachers/coaches/physicians/dentists. If they need me for transportation, money, FYI - they should tell me....IN ADVANCE. If they need help with a class or do not understand something, they are prompted to contact the teacher, attend office hours, stay after class, secure a tutor (they are both able to create accounts, for free, on tutor.com) If they run out of shampoo, deodorant, etc. TELL ME! I am not going to be responsible for checking too see that they're out. We scaffold up, of course, but DD (16) is getting very, very good at this.

This is all so very good.

Regarding running out of things. We are supposed to always have a sealed product (toilet paper, shampoo, peanut butter) and when they open the last one they write it down.

[Sneezyone]

2 minutes ago, Slache said:

This is all so very good.

Regarding running out of things. We are supposed to always have a sealed product (toilet paper, shampoo, peanut butter) and when they open the last one they write it down.

If you have tips on optimism...I'll take 'em, lol. DS could use every.last.one.

[Slache]

17 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

If you have tips on optimism...I'll take 'em, lol. DS could use every.last.one.

Pharmaceuticals.

Honestly, regular exercise has been the only help.

[Pen]

35 minutes ago, Slache said:

He picked the BJ and I think he'll ask for the CP book. He's also the one who chose to start running. He definitely has the majority rule.

 

What is CP?

35 minutes ago, Slache said:

This is brilliant! I think we'll read them together. Is there a particular Franklin book? I assume his autobiography? Or Book of Virtues?

Both probably. 

In Autobiography and Book of Virtues probably comes from that. He decided on a bunch of virtues that he wanted to cultivate as habits and measured himself daily - much like a BJ might be nowadays

1. Temperance
Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

2. Silence
Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.

3. Order
Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

4. Resolution
Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

5. Frugality
Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.

6. Industry
Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

7. Sincerity
Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

8. Justice
Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

9. Moderation
Avoid extreams; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

10. Cleanliness
Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.

11. Tranquility
Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.

12. Chastity
Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.

13. Humility
Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

 

35 minutes ago, Slache said:

Exercise - About 4 times a week. Right now is running and pushups, both with Daddy.
Healthy eating - We've got this.
Hygiene - We've got this, too.
Regular sleep - This is a struggle for him. We have a routine, weighted blanket and blackout curtains. I'm fairly certain he inherited a sleep disorder.
Hard work - Comes natural to him.
Life balance - This does not come natural. I'm verbal about what I see to aid in self regulation "Other people's emotions are not your responsibly." "You seem quite tired. Are you sure you should be doing that today?" "You wanted to go in a hike tomorrow. Finishing your math today is probably the wiser decision."
Cleaning up - We clean up before meals but I really want the one thing out at a time approach!!!
Having margins - I don't know what this means. I think you misspelled margaritas?

🙃

I meant Margins  —

not cutting time to get somewhere too close, not running on almost empty gas tank, keeping some $ savings cushion,

not burning the candle at both ends when there’s no crisis requiring that...

 

35 minutes ago, Slache said:

 

Unless you mean like boundaries, which we're working on.

 

Boundaries is different - by also important and perhaps especially worth working on before teen peer pressure type stage

 

35 minutes ago, Slache said:

Optimism - Help.

 

It’s dated now, so I don’t know if there are inappropriate for 2020 parts, but maybe The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale?  The Power of Positive Thinking https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743234804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_6l2KFbG3AJDZ8

 

 

[SKL]

I am not good at this kind of teaching, but my main intention is that my kids learn to be considerate.

This covers almost everything if you think about it.  🙂

[Slache]

2 hours ago, Dreamergal said:

Well, I was taught to cook, clean, wash clothes a certain way in my native country and then I moved here 🤣. 

Model the life you want him to follow more than teach. What I remembered was more how my grandparents and parents behaved more than what they taught me. It was not intentional, they just lived life but so much of what I do now and want my children to learn from is from my childhood home. 

I knew the basics of cooking but I really began to cook when I wanted to re-create the taste and smell of my family kitchen.

I was brought up in church, Sunday School, the whole enchilada. When I came to America and had problems with the church here, the thing that made me stay in Christianity was the memory of family worship, my parents and grandparents reading the bible every single day. 

'Have a place for everything and keep everything in it's proper place' was something my grandmother learned from British missionary teachers in Colonial India. She taught me that and followed it. I can still hear her say it when I have a lot of clutter.

We had a day to wash sheets, pillowcases and towels every week. I still follow that.

The kitchen was always cleaned at night, dishes washed and put away. I still follow that. 

My grandmother had the weirdest cleaning practices like washing coins in warm water because she grew up losing family members to TB and I used to laugh at her. I never in my lifetime imagined I would clean similarly groceries and packages with bleach. The memory of her cleaning sustains me when it gets too hard during this time.

She taught me to clean food really well, wash till the water ran clear.

Both my parents and grandparents had arranged marriages. They were strong, loving and loyal marriages.

My grandparents especially grew up in Colonial India and lost family members to TB. They were optimistic, grateful and had faith in God. Whenever I waver, I think of them. 

My parents and grandparents were always learning things and were curious. My grandparents especially saw so much change in their lifetimes.

Be flexible.

Be empathetic

Give of yourself in time and money. My mom is so good at this. She taught so many adults to read and write. 

These are the good things.

I was also suppressed as a girl because I grew up in a gender based society so I know the pitfalls of that too. I was not allowed to play outside, not taught skills like swimming because not many people swam and pools were only for rich people. Now I play outside with pleasure, learned swimming as a adult, taught my kids to swim at a young age and raise my daughter differently.

I took the good I saw in my family and culture along with the bad things in my culture and made my own version.

My advice if any, there is no laundry list of things you can teach and prepare a kid for a life. The world is changing so much.

Teach basics, like cooking, cleaning, how to live in a family, compromise but more importantly teach and model the life you want them to lead. I was taught a set of skills but I had to re-learn everything in a completely different way.

What was invaluable was I was modeled curiosity, the ability to be flexible, adaptable, learn, compromise with people (invaluable when you live with roommates)  and I think that are the things that will sustain a kid anywhere in the fast changing world we live.

This is all so beautiful.

2 hours ago, Pen said:

 

What is CP? Commonplacing

Both probably. 

In Autobiography and Book of Virtues probably comes from that. He decided on a bunch of virtues that he wanted to cultivate as habits and measured himself daily - much like a BJ might be nowadays

1. Temperance
Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

2. Silence
Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.

3. Order
Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

4. Resolution
Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

5. Frugality
Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.

6. Industry
Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

7. Sincerity
Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

8. Justice
Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

9. Moderation
Avoid extreams; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

10. Cleanliness
Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.

11. Tranquility
Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.

12. Chastity
Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.

13. Humility
Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

 

🙃

I meant Margins  —

not cutting time to get somewhere too close, not running on almost empty gas tank, keeping some $ savings cushion,

not burning the candle at both ends when there’s no crisis requiring that... I need someone to teach me these things!

 

 

Boundaries is different - by also important and perhaps especially worth working on before teen peer pressure type stage

 

 

It’s dated now, so I don’t know if there are inappropriate for 2020 parts, but maybe The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale?  The Power of Positive Thinking https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743234804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_6l2KFbG3AJDZ8 Thank you!

 

 

I responded in the quote.

2 hours ago, SKL said:

I am not good at this kind of teaching, but my main intention is that my kids learn to be considerate.

This covers almost everything if you think about it.  🙂

I think this goes back to what Dreamer said.

Edited October 24, 2020 by Slache

[Moonhawk]

How to manage emotions. Coping mechanisms and which ones are best to use for which problems. How to get something done even if you feel bad, then circle back after the deadline is done to deal with the emotional side.

Don't focus only on dealing negative emotions. I think a lot of coping mechanisms are made stronger when you also use them to acknowledge and enjoy positive emotions, too.

[Ausmumof3]

Always replace the toilet paper and the bin liner!

honestly I’m not happy enough with my own habits to worry too much about my kids ones.

[Ausmumof3]

I think in all seriousness aside from the many useful ones above I want to develop in myself the habit of being available to help and listen, available for hospitality and available to opportunities.  My default mode is to close myself off a bit.  I also think they will be useful things for my kids if they develop them.

[SereneHome]

3 hours ago, Sneezyone said:

It's one of the biggest missing links I see in teens and young adults. By the end of high school, my goal is to have no contact with teachers/coaches/physicians/dentists. If they need me for transportation, money, FYI - they should tell me....IN ADVANCE. If they need help with a class or do not understand something, they are prompted to contact the teacher, attend office hours, stay after class, secure a tutor (they are both able to create accounts, for free, on tutor.com) If they run out of shampoo, deodorant, etc. TELL ME! I am not going to be responsible for checking to see that they're out. We scaffold up, of course, but DD (16) is getting very, very good at this. I will NOT be contacting professors, deans, etc. about matters that do not concern me.

Well....I never would even consider this until I was contacted by the mother of one of my employees!! I wasn't even 30 yrs old myself and long before I had kids! I couldn't believe it at first, I honestly thought I was being pranked or something... But nope. She called me to tell her that her son has a cold and can't come in and wanted to make sure that it won't count against him......

 

[Slache]

15 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Always replace the toilet paper and the bin liner!

honestly I’m not happy enough with my own habits to worry too much about my kids ones.

I appreciate The Habit Loop and something that was explained to me that I think I have misnamed habit stacking. Essentially, I do the one thing when I do the other thing so I don't forget the one thing. I take my vitamins when I eat lunch because I always eat lunch but often forget my vitamins. I use my back massager when I do my Bible time because I often forget to use my back massager but never forget my Bible time. There is now a book called habit stacking and I don't think that's what it's talking about, but that's what someone told me it was.

The thing that I'm most grateful for is something called the self journal. They used to give the PDF file for free and I will p.m. it to you if you want. It's a habit tracker but it breaks habits down into very small parts that are very easy to manage.

13 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I think in all seriousness aside from the many useful ones above I want to develop in myself the habit of being available to help and listen, available for hospitality and available to opportunities.  My default mode is to close myself off a bit.  I also think they will be useful things for my kids if they develop them.

If I had written this myself I would assume that I was overwhelmed and needed to take some stuff off my plate. I have no idea if that's where you are, but I wanted to say it.

[Slache]

6 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

Well....I never would even consider this until I was contacted by the mother of one of my employees!! I wasn't even 30 yrs old myself and long before I had kids! I couldn't believe it at first, I honestly thought I was being pranked or something... But nope. She called me to tell her that her son has a cold and can't come in and wanted to make sure that it won't count against him......

 

Controlling parents do this on purpose. 

Edited October 24, 2020 by Slache

[fairfarmhand]

3 hours ago, Sneezyone said:

If you have tips on optimism...I'll take 'em, lol. DS could use every.last.one.

Writing down 3 things to be thankful for each day. Also learning to read a psalm each day. Learning when one is spiraling into (insert negative emotion here) and how to deal with that before one is overwhelmed with the feelings. (This takes literally years)

Also, communication skills and politeness. My kids are routinely frustrated that some of their friends don't text back in a timely manner, even if they're trying to plan something fun. Don't keep people hanging when all it takes is a 2 second text.

And how to plan with friends. My kids sometimes feel they are the only ones who take the initiative to plan something and that gets old.

[SereneHome]

1 hour ago, Slache said:

Controlling parents do this on purpose. 

Based on his job performance that wasn't it.

[Ausmumof3]

5 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

Based on his job performance that wasn't it.

Dh had a 30 year old apprentice whose mum was still running interference for him 

[Ausmumof3]

1 hour ago, Slache said:

I appreciate The Habit Loop and something that was explained to me that I think I have misnamed habit stacking. Essentially, I do the one thing when I do the other thing so I don't forget the one thing. I take my vitamins when I eat lunch because I always eat lunch but often forget my vitamins. I use my back massager when I do my Bible time because I often forget to use my back massager but never forget my Bible time. There is now a book called habit stacking and I don't think that's what it's talking about, but that's what someone told me it was.

The thing that I'm most grateful for is something called the self journal. They used to give the PDF file for free and I will p.m. it to you if you want. It's a habit tracker but it breaks habits down into very small parts that are very easy to manage.

If I had written this myself I would assume that I was overwhelmed and needed to take some stuff off my plate. I have no idea if that's where you are, but I wanted to say it.

Hmm I will think about that.  I don’t have a lot compared to some but none of the fam have strong executive function which means I tend to get overwhelmed easily and I tend to overestimate what I can handle.  Not sure that there’s much I can offload right now.

[Junie]

Learning a second language (pretty sure the OP is already on this)

Scripture memorization (and maybe this one, too)

Discovering your learning style

Discovering your strengths and weaknesses

Giving people the benefit of the doubt/learning to walk a mile in someone else's shoes

[Slache]

1 hour ago, SereneHome said:

Based on his job performance that wasn't it.

Ahhh, see, you're thinking like a normal person. You think someone would be controlling to help their child. No. I'm talking about deliberately preventing a person from being able to care for themselves so the child lives with Mommy forever and ever. This is a thing.

[BeachGal]

6 hours ago, Slache said:

He picked the BJ and I think he'll ask for the CP book. He's also the one who chose to start running. He definitely has the majority rule.

This is brilliant! I think we'll read them together. Is there a particular Franklin book? I assume his autobiography? Or Book of Virtues?

Exercise - About 4 times a week. Right now is running and pushups, both with Daddy.
Healthy eating - We've got this.
Hygiene - We've got this, too.
Regular sleep - This is a struggle for him. We have a routine, weighted blanket and blackout curtains. I'm fairly certain he inherited a sleep disorder.
Hard work - Comes natural to him.
Life balance - This does not come natural. I'm verbal about what I see to aid in self regulation "Other people's emotions are not your responsibly." "You seem quite tired. Are you sure you should be doing that today?" "You wanted to go in a hike tomorrow. Finishing your math today is probably the wiser decision."
Cleaning up - We clean up before meals but I really want the one thing out at a time approach!!!
Having margins - I don't know what this means. I think you misspelled margaritas? Unless you mean like boundaries, which we're working on.
Optimism - Help.

Sleep is as important as a healthy diet and exercise. This is when the brain literally swooshes toxins and other stuff out. Your whole body does a lot of work during sleep so it’s worthwhile to improve. Your son might be slightly too warm internally. Glycine could help because it lowers core body temp. Saunas can reset this in people, too. Matthew Walker’s sleep book would be a good resource to investigate what you could try.

You could work on optimism by assessing situations together with him as they naturally arise in his and your daily lives and then removing the 3 Ps when you can: permanence, pervasiveness and personal. Martin Seligman has written some books about this but here is a short article about it although I didn’t really look to see how good it is because it’s late. 😜

https://sourcesofinsight.com/permanent-personal-and-pervasive/

Two other qualities to cultivate:

1) conscientiousness because it’s beneficial in many ways throughout life;

2) impulse control which you can improve with exercises. Example: you give yourself permission to have a cookie at the end of the day. Throughout the day, imagine how much you’ll like eating the cookie. Be detailed and take some time to do this. Then practice resisting until the moment arrives that you decided earlier. This process creates connections in the brain that make future impulse control easier. There are many ways to practice this — food, computer use, playing, even having margaritas! although if someone struggles with addictions, then best to find something else.

 

eta: Thank you notes! Teach this because people do keep tabs. Forever.

Edited October 24, 2020 by BeachGal

[Slache]

4 hours ago, BeachGal said:

Sleep is as important as a healthy diet and exercise. This is when the brain literally swooshes toxins and other stuff out. Your whole body does a lot of work during sleep so it’s worthwhile to improve. Your son might be slightly too warm internally. Glycine could help because it lowers core body temp. Saunas can reset this in people, too. Matthew Walker’s sleep book would be a good resource to investigate what you could try.

You could work on optimism by assessing situations together with him as they naturally arise in his and your daily lives and then removing the 3 Ps when you can: permanence, pervasiveness and personal. Martin Seligman has written some books about this but here is a short article about it although I didn’t really look to see how good it is because it’s late. 😜

https://sourcesofinsight.com/permanent-personal-and-pervasive/

Two other qualities to cultivate:

1) conscientiousness because it’s beneficial in many ways throughout life;

2) impulse control which you can improve with exercises. Example: you give yourself permission to have a cookie at the end of the day. Throughout the day, imagine how much you’ll like eating the cookie. Be detailed and take some time to do this. Then practice resisting until the moment arrives that you decided earlier. This process creates connections in the brain that make future impulse control easier. There are many ways to practice this — food, computer use, playing, even having margaritas! although if someone struggles with addictions, then best to find something else.

 

eta: Thank you notes! Teach this because people do keep tabs. Forever.

"Sleep is as important as a healthy diet and exercise." I would put sleep as higher than both. It's a battle we're fighting constantly, just a battle we're losing. I already have that book on hold from another thread I'd started. Thank you.

I'm torn about thank you notes because no one does them anymore. Even the few weddings I've been to haven't sent them.

Off to read the article...

[Kassia]

2 hours ago, Slache said:

 

I'm torn about thank you notes because no one does them anymore. Even the few weddings I've been to haven't sent them.

 

I also think thank you notes are important!  I don't feel like they have to be hand-written cards, but appreciation should be shown - either in person, text, email, or a card sent in the mail.  

 

[Ottakee]

Learn to get along with and appreciate others from different cultures, socio-economic classes, etc.  Volunteer work is great for this.....not just serving others, but working along side of them.

Finances....saving, budgeting, investing.  I was very good at the first 2 but I was over 40 before I even thought of the investing thing and it has only been the last 2 years that I have really focused on this.   Small investments started young grow so much more over time than those started later.

[elegantlion]

How to communicate with those in authority over them - teachers, coaches, bosses etc., - this includes proper email etiquette

How to accept responsibility for their own mistakes - I modeled that failure is learning, not fatal, and it's easy to make excuses about why something happened, but it still needs to be dealt with. 

How to deal with customer service issues - how to return an item to a store, how to set up an online account, how to email or call when you need to deal with customer service (such as utilities). 

This one is probably better for teenagers and above - learn how to determine what issues are "hills to die upon" or if some things are not - a bit more nuanced than conflict management. It's easy to get annoyed at little things in life, but in reality they won't matter in a few days or months. 

 

[ScoutTN]

Listening. Really listening to people.

Spending less than you make! 

Serving in the community.

On time = 15 minutes early.

Outdoor, active recreation

Read good books

[Laura Corin]

FWIW both of my children have learned to cook as adults. They learned when it was important to them. 

[BeachGal]

3 hours ago, Slache said:

"Sleep is as important as a healthy diet and exercise." I would put sleep as higher than both. It's a battle we're fighting constantly, just a battle we're losing. I already have that book on hold from another thread I'd started. Thank you.

I'm torn about thank you notes because no one does them anymore. Even the few weddings I've been to haven't sent them.

Off to read the article...

Maybe not for weddings but after serious job interviews, they are probably a good idea. Something short is fine.

[HS Mom in NC]

Planning Spending. This one we implement as teens, so you have time to think about your own variation on this theme. We're trying to reflect real life.

When my girls (now 24, 22 and 15) became teenagers, after they got their "curvy" figures and after we had to buy them all new clothes because of it, we figured out what we spent on them for the year in clothes, toiletries  and allowance.  We divided it by 12 (monthly with the youngest-I'm old and cranky now) or by 24 (bi-monthly with the older two.) That's the amount they got from us at those rates.  We did cash for the first year, then it was all electronic. After the cash phase we got them a shared account with us that we can monitor and transfer funds into and they get a debit card until they're adults.

*Note* Due to economic forces my husband's billable hours were cut 40% for about 5 months and this month they're only 25% less than he was making, so those percentages are reflected in what she gets because that's how life household budgeting works.

We teach them to plan their spending.  You want new clothes?  How many months do you think you should save up to have enough for your shopping trip? You want to buy presents for people?  When is the gift giving event and how much will you get between now and then?  You're going a trip and want spending money?  How does that factor into your plans for winter clothes shopping and Christmas? How much extra can you earn between now and when you want to spend money?

There are earning potential opportunities.  I offer to pay her to do my chores (not her own) and other jobs I would pay for like washing the vehicles, at the going rate I would pay for it.

We let them make mistakes and live with the consequences.

Margin as a hard and fast policy-almost a religion but not quite.  Margin means always leaving extra resources (time, money, and energy) in reserve as padding for when the inevitable bumps in life and the unexpected hits. It means living below your means, being careful to not over schedule your life, and planning time and experiences for rest and rejuvenation physically, psychologically, and spiritually.   It's applicable to most aspects of life: budgeting, joining groups, arriving early, saying no, living a holistic life, setting boundaries, avoiding toxic people, choosing a career, work-life balance, consumer spending, family planning, relationships, prioritizing, and on and on.

[Not_a_Number]

The one we work on constantly is seeing things from someone else's point of view. I mean, genuinely seeing them that way, not just pretending. What do you want to hear when someone hurts you? Did your hasty "sorry" match that? What is the purpose of what you just communicated? How does that make the other person feel? I think that's such a hard skill that it really needs to be overtrained to automaticity. 

The self-advocacy one is a good point, @Sneezyone. We've worked on that a little, but since they are largely at home, it doesn't come up that often. DD8 is pretty reluctant to do it, but we try. "You need an extra piece of paper? Go ask the nice person behind the desk. I'm right here." 

We also work hard on organizing the home, and having structures to do things (I've finally convinced DH to have a scheduled time for cleaning, so we do that with the kids), and do cooking/cleaning/etc. 

We've also given the kids an allowance, so they can think about how to spend their money. 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Laura Corin said:

FWIW both of my children have learned to cook as adults. They learned when it was important to them. 

My kids learned to cook as adults, too.  They had no interest when they were younger and swore they would eat canned soup, Subway, and Hot Pockets forever.  Now they are great cooks - much better than I am.  

 

 

1 hour ago, BeachGal said:

Maybe not for weddings but after serious job interviews, they are probably a good idea. Something short is fine.

I think thank yous are important after weddings.  Especially if the giver didn't attend.  I've sent several gifts and didn't even know if the couple received them since they didn't acknowledge the gift.  I always thought they were important after job interviews, but my oldest ds says he doesn't send them.  

[Hannah]

Positive self-talk.  “I am, I can, I will”

[fairfarmhand]

Tipping! 
my teens have been on several trips ai to other teens and been embarrassed that the other kids didn’t tip the waiter.

[EKS]

17 hours ago, Slache said:

I am going to have him start a bullet journal this January and maybe a commonplace book the following year.

I know nothing about your son, but I do know that my sons would have completely rejected these ideas.  

I'd look at the bigger picture--what exactly is important about these activities?  One thing that comes to mind might be recording information for future use , or perhaps writing things down to aid memory.  I would try to help him find his own way to do these things rather than force a system on him.  So rather than consistently maintaining a bullet journal, how about simply putting important activities on a calendar and when he has a lot to do or remember to make lists?  

Another thing might be instead of waiting to be asked to do something specific when everyone is busy, to see what needs to be done and then offer to do it (or just start doing it).  Or, a related thing might be to have him learn to take over the management of a task rather than just the task itself so that he is able to relieve the person he's helping of the the mental burden of the task as well as physical burden.  

 

[73349]

17 hours ago, Pen said:

Maybe read Benjamin Franklin, Stephen Covey or other people (Atomic Habits?) about the habits they chose to develop and how they did it, and then discuss what habits your son thinks might be important along those lines, plus perhaps sharing some you think would be a good idea ?

+1. Atomic Habits is especially good because it emphasizes making incremental, sustainable changes.

I would say even the habit of examining one's habits is one to cultivate--perhaps every month (on one's birthday date, unless you were born on the 31st, when you would have fewer opportunities). Sometimes we pick something to work on for a month (or more) and track it--especially in June, which has little else going on for us and so frequently gets named Good Habits Month. I've been working on being generous (myself, not DS) this whole year, and I'm starting to see improvement.

16 hours ago, Slache said:

Having margins - I don't know what this means. I think you misspelled margaritas? Unless you mean like boundaries, which we're working on.

Optimism - Help.

When you have margin: you don't wait until the last minute to leave: you leave a few minutes early in case of traffic; you don't spend money until your card gets rejected; you save for when there's an extra expense right before payday; you don't wait until the car begs you to add gas; you keep an eye on it and refill at a set level... Margin makes life easier when something goes wrong, like a traffic jam, a dental emergency, or a change of plans.

Optimism: If you have an Inner Critic, talk back to it with an Inner Coach. Challenge your own thought. "I'm terrible at this!"-> "I'm a beginner at this, and I definitely could use more practice." "This is too hard!" -> "I wonder if there's an approach to this I would like better." Etc.  A book to look at is A Complaint-Free World, which focuses on what we choose to say out loud, but I found even helped me correct thoughts without speaking.

[Slache]

2 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

FWIW both of my children have learned to cook as adults. They learned when it was important to them. 

This is important to me because I need the help, but this definitely goes along the lines of learning to learn.

5 minutes ago, EKS said:

I know nothing about your son, but I do know that my sons would have completely rejected these ideas.  

I'd look at the bigger picture--what exactly is important about these activities?  One thing that comes to mind might be recording information for future use , or perhaps writing things down to aid memory.  I would try to help him find his own way to do these things rather than force a system on him.  So rather than consistently maintaining a bullet journal, how about simply putting important activities on a calendar and when he has a lot to do or remember to make lists?  

Another thing might be instead of waiting to be asked to do something specific when everyone is busy, to see what needs to be done and then offer to do it (or just start doing it).  Or, a related thing might be to have him learn to take over the management of a task rather than just the task itself so that he is able to relieve the person he's helping of the the mental burden of the task as well as physical burden.  

 

He writes everything down in all the places. He asked to BJ with me and we do a little, but I'm presenting him with a beautiful leather travelers journal for his birthday in November and I'm going to go through a yearly setup with him and sit down with him every morning for a while, then once a week. He tracks his dreams, his weight (this is for fun because he likes the variation) quotes, ideas. There's paper everywhere. He has ADD tendencies and I think this could help him.

[EKS]

1 minute ago, Slache said:

He has ADD tendencies and I think this could help him.

That's great!

[EmilyGF]

Habits are best caught, not taught. DDs took up bullet journaling when they saw me keeping mine. DS took up very minimal bullet journaling when he started forgetting things. Externalizing habits that you take for granted for yourself can be useful for kids.

Cooking is one DH feels passionately about since he was never taught to cook. 

Emily

[TechWife]

Manners - etiquette - decorum - however you want to phrase it. Learning how to treat others and how to behave appropriately in a variety of situations is helpful to forming fulfilling friendships, family life and in the business world. FI cannot emphasize this enough. Etiquette is not "snooty" or "exclusive" or "elitist." It levels the playing field. It teaches one how to respect other people, how to converse with people from all backgrounds and how to assess social norms in a variety of situations. Etiquette is about creating a mindset that puts other people first.

I was in my late 40's before I figured out how important this stuff is. Some people know instinctively, some people pick it up from observing others, some, like me, live in la la land until they try to figure out why some people are good at making them feel personally comfortable and valued. Etiquette is about valuing other people enough to make them comfortable and to give them the best interactions you possibly can.

There are a lot of books out there for kids, but the best place to start is with references for you. Here are some good ones:

Emily Post's The Gift of Good Manners: A Parents' Guide to Raising Respectful, Kind, Considerate Children by Peggy Post and Cindy P Senning

Emily Post's Etiquette, 19th Edition: Manners for Today by Lizzie Post and Daniel Post Senning

Protocol: The Power of Diplomacy and How to Make it Work for You by Capricia Penavic Marshall

ETA - There are great descriptions of some of these books on the Emily Post Institute Bookstore website:

https://emilypost.com/books/

 

Edited October 24, 2020 by TechWife

[Carrie12345]

Hang up your damp towel and put your dishes in the dishwasher!

Also, learning how to deal with difficult people/situations.  I know the latest thing is to focus on surrounding kids with nothing but kindness and caring, and I’m not endorsing bullying kids, but they’re going to run into asshats and need to not fall apart.

Today my dd called me after she scratched someone’s car. (Getting out of the way of a wrong-way driver on a one-way street.). She knocked on a few doors with no answer and went to leave her number on the car, only to have the female owner come out and start verbally ripping her apart, accusing her of trying to leave the scene of a crime, and called the police. Then kept yelling.
Dd stayed relatively calm, though she did get a little choked up on the phone from the stress that woman was causing.  She’s a tough as nails kid to begin with. I can’t imagine how she would have gotten through it if she had grown up thinking the world was all full of love and light.

The cop was great to dd and annoyed to have been called for that bs. But it was still stressful.

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Carrie12345 said:

Also, learning how to deal with difficult people/situations.  I know the latest thing is to focus on surrounding kids with nothing but kindness and caring, and I’m not endorsing bullying kids, but they’re going to run into asshats and need to not fall apart.

Oh, that's a good one. I sometimes do worry that homeschooling doesn't give them that education. 

[Slache]

5 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Oh, that's a good one. I sometimes do worry that homeschooling doesn't give them that education. 

Public schooling did not help me there either. I learned that I had no value and to stand up for myself would be worse than taking the abuse.