did I go overboard on spending for decorating new house?

[caedmyn]

At the end of 2018 we moved from a 2000 sq ft house to a 3300 sq ft house.  Since then I've spent about $2000 on decorating it, which DH thinks is way too much.  I purchased curtains and rods for three rooms (our curtains from the other house were all about 10 years old and/or faded, and none fit the new windows anyway), blackout shades for the master bedroom, towels and bath mats for three bathrooms (we had two bathrooms before and only one had bath mats, and all our towels were a few years old and getting pretty ratty), a large rug, some decorative items, a few small pieces of canvas artwork. and some decorative storage items (canvas bins, woven baskets), and a few miscellaneous items.  That total also included buying several pieces of furniture--coffee & end table set, ottoman, sofa table, buffet, another buffet which is a decorative piece for a big nook in our foyer, a cube shelf, a night stand, and a dresser.  The furniture was all bought used except for the night stand which was on clearance at Furniture Row.  I'm mostly done decorating the main living areas but will probably spend a couple hundred dollars more on some decent artwork for a couple rooms.

The only thing I think I've wasted money on is curtains--each of the three rooms is on its second set of curtains since we moved in, because as I got further along in decorating I started disliking the original sets of curtains I purchased.  If I don't use the curtains elsewhere in the house I'll sell them on FB marketplace and probably get back half of what I paid for them.  DH has a great job and it is not at all an issue of whether we can afford what I've spent, and also almost 1/4 of that amount was covered by gift cards I was given for birthdays and Christmas.

What does the Hive think...is that an unreasonable amount of money to spend on decorating a much larger house over a year's time? 

[Mbelle]

That is going to depend on each family.  In my FOO we spend a fair bit on decorating and feel that we are investing in our home and family by creating inviting spaces.  DH family has a nice home, but the level of interest in decorating is just different and they don't spend the same money or time on it.  Could that be your dh background too and thus he thinks it's a lot?   When I spend on decorating I try to imagine that it will last 10 years before I need/want to update.

[Garga]

If you have the money without going into debt, then it’s reasonable, especially since you bought furniture.  If you didn’t buy any furniture, then it was too much.  

If you went into debt, then it’s too much.  

 

[KungFuPanda]

If you’re not a person who is going to keep changing the decor and buying more and more stuff, I don’t think that’s a bad investment. Maybe he’s concerned that decorating will be an ongoing expense with this house? If you’re done for the decade, that’s only 200 a year. 

[JustEm]

We went from 1400 sq ft to 3000 sq ft last year and didn't spend anything on decorating. But I'm not really into decorating and all the curtains came with the house. We bought a new couch specifically because we needed it but I wouldn't call that decorating. But other than that we used what we already had. 

For me $2000 sounds like a crazy amount to spend on prettying up a house but that is just personality. Decorating isn't something I care about or see value in spending our money on. 

That doesn't mean it is an unreasonable amount for you though. I know plenty of people who spend that much every few years changing the decor of just a single room, let alone a whole house.

[Corraleno]

I'm amazed you got as much as you did for only $2000 — 8 pieces of furniture, a rug, window treatments for 4 rooms, and towels/mats for 3 bathrooms. And only $1500 of that came out of the family budget, since the other $500 was your Christmas & birthday money. I think the fact that you put "decorating" in the title may throw people off, because most of what you bought is really functional and the "decorative" bits were probably a very small percentage of the total. That seems eminently reasonable to me, especially considering that the new house is 1300 sq' larger than the old one. 

I'm guessing the issue is that your husband doesn't care what the curtains look like or whether the bath towels are old and ratty, so he thinks spending money on things he doesn't care about is wrong. Does he spend money on things you don't care about (big truck, fishing equipment, other hobbies)? If the way the house looks is important to you, and you are the one who's there all day every day, homeschooling and taking care of 6 kids and the house, then I think as long as you can afford it, you should be able to have it the way you want it.

Edited February 1, 2020 by Corraleno

[regentrude]

Sounds like a lot to me if the purpose is just "decorating" and the items only have decorative purpose. I don't do that. If the furniture was actually needed (and not just in order to fill the additional square feet, but needed to store items that you need and that require storage), then it's a fairly good deal.

I can easily see spending a significant amount of money on Art that is meaningful to you - connection with the artist, or the subject depicted. (But it wouldn't occur to me to buy "decent" artwork just in order to fill empty wall space.)

 

Edited February 1, 2020 by regentrude

[Farrar]

So, you moved to a much larger space that needed additional furniture? That's nothing. I mean, if you don't have it, sure. But if you can swing it... that's so little overall for two years in a larger space trying to make it feel like home and function how you need it to function.

[Carrie12345]

“Reasonable” isn’t a number, it’s an agreement. $50 or $50k, both partners have to figure out what they’re comfortable with.

[Farrar]

27 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I'm guessing the issue is that your husband doesn't care what the curtains look like or whether the bath towels are old and ratty, so he thinks spending money on things he doesn't care about is wrong. Does he spend money on things you don't care about (big truck, fishing equipment, other hobbies?). If the way the house looks is important to you, and you are the one who's there all day every day, homeschooling and taking care of 6 kids and the house, then I think as long as you can afford it, you should be able to have it the way you want it.

I was thinking about this. The language in the OP just seems off to me. "Decorating" makes it sound really trival. As if you replaced perfectly good things just for aesthetic reasons. In reality, the OP needed furniture and needed to replace "ratty" items. That's not decorating to me. I mean, yeah, I'm sure you chose them with an eye to your taste. Getting art for the walls is decorating, I'd say. But half decent storage bins? Um, you need storage bins. Maybe the OP's dh doesn't need the storage bins because they're for household items and kid items and he doesn't deal with that stuff. But that just emphasizes how dismissive the whole thing is toward the OP's needs.

[Carol in Cal.]

That doesn’t sound like very much for me, and you sound like a very savvy shopper.  Having said that, if you can’t afford it then it’s too much.  When I bought my first house, money was so tight that I didn’t put any furniture in the living room for several years except a very fancy desk and chairs that I already owned. No drapes, either—the big front window already had a shade and I could not afford drapes.  But, I already had my bedroom furnished, and the dining room.  

That house was a tight squeeze for me economically.  I got seller financing of about 1/4 more than the banks would have loaned me, and at a slightly better interest rate, too, but the payments were tough.  I ate a lot of bean burritos while I waited to get a raise so I could afford to restart my life.  I had $2000 left after I bought it, and planned to buy a couch and drapes for the living room, BUT, in a once in a lifetime thing a local department store with a great rug department went out of business right around then and sold off their rugs in an auction.  I bought four of them for pennies on the dollar, and I still have them and love them over 30 years later.  So yes, these and the house were worthwhile investments.

But that’s not your situation.  You have a new, bigger place, and enough money to furnish it, and you did so on a tight budget.  Good for you!

[prairiewindmomma]

If finances aren’t an issue (ie—you are overly scrimping on groceries to buy throw pillows), then I think you are fine.

It sounds like most of what you spent money on was furniture, not really “decorative” items anyway. You moved to a much bigger home—this was to be expected—and it sounds like you did a fantastic job with $2k.

Dh seems really dismissive of anything you want to do. That kind of mental rigidity is worrisome.

 

[kbutton]

I think you did well considering you used your personal gift money, and you said you can afford it. My answer would be very different if it was unaffordable or involved debt.

We're very frugal, but we've had to spend a significant amount of money in our new home for curtains and furniture, etc. It was just time--we'd done the secondhand stuff as much as possible, but there is not a ton of secondhand furniture in the area that meets what we need it to do without spending time we don't have shopping for it. I am also not one to shop online garage sales or craigslist--it's a lot of coordinating with busy people that I don't have time for, and I've found that people don't seem to ever want to answer legit questions on text or e-mail for anything these days, especially stuff they want out of their house. I do have quite a few secondhand things (a mix of free, inexpensive, and "Stink, the only lampshades that fit this very inexpensive set of lamps are $$$"), it's just that it's almost never without some cost, especially time. 

Having said that, we don't have to have a lot for decorative purposes that doesn't have a functional purpose as its main focus--I already have things to hang on the walls. We just have to find time to get them up. 🙂 

If you continue to spend at this rate, I'd be more likely to object, lol! But even then, it could be that you need to replace items due to wear and tear or changes in your family's needs.

[gardenmom5]

since everything is relative, it all depends on what you can afford.  if spending $2000 has left a hole in your budget for needed things, it's too much.  if it was easily covered - and your dh is just being overly-paranoid about money - it's not too much.

[prairiewindmomma]

There is a huge difference in my mind between fitting out a home (ie—putting up curtains, buying bathroom mats, etc.) and then spending on the other things that make you enjoy a home.

It is still completely valid to spend money to make your home beautiful. I budget money monthly for things like replacing throw pillows, the front door wreath, etc because they matter to me. 

Do you have discretionary funds in the budget for you? It shouldn’t matter if you want a lipstick, fresh flowers, a few trips to Starbucks, whatever. There should be something—-for every budget—-where you have the ability to make choices without being heavily scrutinized....

 

[Carol in Cal.]

I would like to add—I would not have spent my personal gift card money on things like this.  It’s a family need and should come out of the family budget.  I’d be pretty annoyed if that was the expectation.  Just like I would be annoyed if a new dishwasher was considered a Christmas present.

[EmseB]

I don't think that sounds like a ton of money for the stuff you're talking about, but whether it's a lot of money or too much money to any given person isn't going to be an objective answer.

We are likely going to move into a "forever" home sometime in the next year and I already know it's going to be expensive because I'm going to decorate and outfit it with 10 years in mind instead of just putting up with cheap stuff because we're moving in 2 years. We have a ton of cheap cube style bookshelves, for example, that I don't care if they fall apart in a move and are easily modular no matter what kind of house we move to. But when we stop moving, I'm getting good, solid shelves or building some in...but that is not cheap. Both my husband and I understand the expense, though, and want the same thing, so it's an expense we both find reasonable.

[KungFuPanda]

1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

We went from 1400 sq ft to 3000 sq ft last year and didn't spend anything on decorating. But I'm not really into decorating and all the curtains came with the house. We bought a new couch specifically because we needed it but I wouldn't call that decorating. But other than that we used what we already had. 

For me $2000 sounds like a crazy amount to spend on prettying up a house but that is just personality. Decorating isn't something I care about or see value in spending our money on. 

That doesn't mean it is an unreasonable amount for you though. I know plenty of people who spend that much every few years changing the decor of just a single room, let alone a whole house.

I would consider a sofa and curtains as part of your decorating budget and 2k doesn’t seem out of line for these items that will last a decade or more. You need some privacy and somewhere to sit so a decorating budget can exclude wants and only include things you need in your house. You won’t DIE if you sit on the floor and leave widows bare, but even the minimalists among us generally have these things. 

[JustEm]

15 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I would like to add—I would not have spent my personal gift card money on things like this.  It’s a family need and should come out of the family budget.  I’d be pretty annoyed if that was the expectation.  Just like I would be annoyed if a new dishwasher was considered a Christmas present.

That depends on the stuff being purchased imo. Artwork isn't a need. a second set of curtains because you don't like the look of the brand new ones you bought isn't a need. Decorative items aren't a need. Rugs aren't a need.

While I don't think they needed to be spent with gift money, it doesn't sound like they were budgeted for either. Maybe they were, but if her dh is upset about the amount spent it doesn't sound like an agreed upon amount was actually discussed. But i could be wrong.

You also have to take into consideration the other stuff they are doing in the house and the stuff OP wants to do because of the things she doesn't like about the house. All those things add up. And while $2000 might not seem like a lot for decor, they are also hiring painters, doing something with storage in the entryway(I think I have the correct poster in mind,) and she had discussed wanting other things done. All of which seem reasonable enough to me in the long run but not necessarily to be done all at once or in the same year even.

[annandatje]

No, I spent much more than that.

[DoraBora]

I think it's a reasonable amount of money.  If it's important to you that your current space is nicely outfitted and that you have wall hangings that bring your pleasure (and you can afford it), why not?  You won't do this every year.

It sounds nice!

Edited February 1, 2020 by DoraBora

[scholastica]

Honestly, there’s no way to answer that question. It sounds like you two have a fundamental difference of opinion/perception of what’s necessary and/or reasonable. Did you two discuss in advance either a lump sum or as you went and  wanted to purchase each individual item? It sounds like there’s a disconnect in communication between the two of you. If it’s more serious than “Oh, in the future we should talk about these things”, then you two probably need a professional to sort through deeper issues. Money disagreements are really values disagreements. If you two can’t sort through those and compromise on your own, you have deeper issues and you’ll need help.

[Hadley]

Honestly, I think you should consider bargain hunting as a profession!!  I think you stretched your money a loooonnnggg way!

We just moved into our ‘forever’ house.  I can promise you that I spent much more than $2,000 getting this house like I wanted it to look.  We had saved for years in order to do so, but it was most definitely not a low cost event.

I believe in having personal savings, helping others with charity, and splurging occasionally on luxuries when it can be done.  No guilt.  I do not believe in decorating a house on credit, but I find no reason to grip so tightly to the money that I have that I will need to be buried with it when I die.  

I spend hours every day in my home.  I tutor out of my home.  I love to entertain in my home.  I feel more contentment sitting in my pretty dining room than some do on a tropical vacation.  I think happiness is important.  

Different people find happiness in different ways.  I think it is important that you are allowed to find yours, and I hope that you and your husband can come to an understanding that makes both of you happy.  

[Corraleno]

23 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

That depends on the stuff being purchased imo. Artwork isn't a need. a second set of curtains because you don't like the look of the brand new ones you bought isn't a need. Decorative items aren't a need. Rugs aren't a need.

While I don't think they needed to be spent with gift money, it doesn't sound like they were budgeted for either. Maybe they were, but if her dh is upset about the amount spent it doesn't sound like an agreed upon amount was actually discussed. But i could be wrong.

You also have to take into consideration the other stuff they are doing in the house and the stuff OP wants to do because of the things she doesn't like about the house. All those things add up. And while $2000 might not seem like a lot for decor, they are also hiring painters, doing something with storage in the entryway(I think I have the correct poster in mind,) and she had discussed wanting other things done. All of which seem reasonable enough to me in the long run but not necessarily to be done all at once or in the same year even.

But this is a house her DH loved and she didn't, that she agreed to buy reluctantly. So he got the house he wanted, he's dragging his feet getting the projects done (since he doesn't care about them), and now he's bitching she spent $1500 of their joint money buying furniture and curtains to help make the house he wanted a bit more livable for her. I don't think she's being at all unreasonable, and I think he's being really selfish.

[JustEm]

3 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

But this is a house her DH loved and she didn't, that she agreed to buy reluctantly. So he got the house he wanted, he's dragging his feet getting the projects done (since he doesn't care about them), and now he's bitching she spent $1500 of their joint money buying furniture and curtains to help make the house he wanted a bit more livable for her. I don't think she's being at all unreasonable, and I think he's being really selfish.

I'm not really disagreeing with you here. From all the posts I think her dh is being really selfish. But the question was, did I got overboard. And when you take the rest of the house projects OP wants I think it is reasonable to say yes she is going overboard if these are all things she expects to happen quickly to like the house more. I'm not sayig, she shouldn't make the house more livable for her but so many things in one year does add up and I can see the annoyance from even a reasonable spouse.

I'm talking as someone who lived in a house I hated for 10 years. In those ten years i painted the whole house, installed new flooring, redid the entire kitchen, redid all three bathrooms, changed light fixtures, etc not because all that needed to be done but because I wanted to make the house more livable for me. Even if we had the money to do that all in one year, it would have been unreasonable to do so simply to make me happier in my house. 

[Chris in VA]

I think it is fine but you and the hubs need to communicate and agree before spending. That is way, way different than asking him for permission or approval.  For example, asking for permission might look like you finding a bargain on bathroom rugs and asking if it is ok to buy them, citing the wonderful price you found them for. But communicating and agrreing on a plan of action looks like you both sitting down and coming up with a list of what is wanted and or needed, and how much is reasonable to spend. Then would come the step of finding (ideally together). Since you have the parameters that you both accept, there is no need to convince or defend. 

 

[Corraleno]

But what if her husband won't agree to anything he doesn't care about, even if it matters a lot to Caedmyn? From previous posts, it doesn't seem that they agree on much of anything, and the DH always seems to get his way. He wanted this house, she thought it was too big and the layout was bad for a family with lots of little kids, but they bought the house. She wants to paint over all the pine paneling, some of which is so rough it gives the kids splinters, but he refuses because he likes the paneling. She wants to replace the 3' fence because the kids can't play in the yard without her right beside them since even the youngest can climb over it, but DH likes the fence so it stays. I mean, obviously there is a relationship issue here that goes far beyond budgeting, but I think saying "well you shouldn't spend any money on things you want unless DH agrees to it" is not really fair to someone in a relationship where what she wants rarely seems to matter. ☹️

Edited February 1, 2020 by Corraleno

[PrincessMommy]

I think that sounds reasonable, especially considering you bought furniture and window treatments.  Neither are all that cheap unless you want sheer curtains and a 80''s style couch.    Plus it was over a 2yr period. 

My husband also has an "it's good enough" attitude when it comes to decorating.  But, he also knows that I'm here 24/7 and having a few nice things in my "work space" is important.  

[JustEm]

I never said she shouldn't have spent the money. I'm simply responding that to me and my marriage that would have been overboard without discussing things and agreeing on it. And really if I were in her relationship I'd be more likely to just Go over dh's head and have a new fence built without discussing the spending of that money until it was already installed and money spent.

[JustEm]

The panelling is a different story because that should have been figured out before purchasing the house since it is a major decorative change. I personally hate painted panelling and would veto dh's request to paint ours. But I would not tolerate panelling that caused splinters, that needs to be sanded down and stained. I would do that behind dh's back in a heartbeat if I was in the kind of marriage OP is in. But I'm not.

[Janeway]

You should stop telling your husband how much things cost or your ideas, etc. I found my life was way easier when I did whatever I wanted. There came a point where I started asking my husbands opinion all the time and that has been a big mistake. When I ask his opinion I feel obligated to go along with whatever he wanted. When I did not ask his opinion he never complained. If I could keep my mouth shut I would never ask his opinion again LOL. So my advice to you is stop asking his opinion and stop repeating prices.

[Corraleno]

1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

The panelling is a different story because that should have been figured out before purchasing the house since it is a major decorative change. I personally hate painted panelling and would veto dh's request to paint ours. But I would not tolerate panelling that caused splinters, that needs to be sanded down and stained. I would do that behind dh's back in a heartbeat if I was in the kind of marriage OP is in. But I'm not.

The "panelling" the OP is stuck with is rough wood that looks unfinished and only covers the lower half of the wall (like wainscoting). Some of it is vertical and some is diagonal, and the quality of the wood looks like what pallets are made from. I'm with you — I would have sanded it down and painted it myself while DH was at work. But I don't know how into DIY Caedmyn is, or what the repercussions would be from her DH. 

[kbutton]

41 minutes ago, Janeway said:

You should stop telling your husband how much things cost or your ideas, etc. I found my life was way easier when I did whatever I wanted. There came a point where I started asking my husbands opinion all the time and that has been a big mistake. When I ask his opinion I feel obligated to go along with whatever he wanted. When I did not ask his opinion he never complained. If I could keep my mouth shut I would never ask his opinion again LOL. So my advice to you is stop asking his opinion and stop repeating prices.

I tend to agree with this advice if it's feasible to follow it in her shoes. If her DH demands accounting or asks a lot of questions, it's not easy to just keep passing the bean dip about purchases.

But to some extent, if the OP gives out information freely, it's just something he could be grouchy about (even if it's reasonable for her to do things). If he's anxious about money automatically or unable to picture what something will look like and if he'll like it without seeing the finished project, then she's going to get an automatic no or some kind of flack if she asks in advance. 

I suspect she's dealing with griping after demanding to know what was spent.

There are times when it's better I don't know my DH's opinion about things because he often likes what he likes, and there is zero rhyme or reason (or taste) involved. For instance, if I ask him to clothes shop with me, he'll find things he likes, and it won't matter if it looks good on me. If he likes it, he'll think it looks good. Now, if I like it and try it on, and it doesn't fit well, he's able to be more objective, lol! But not if it's something he likes. It's very weird. It's just better to leave him out of it altogether and beg him to not buy me clothes so that I don't feel bad when I don't wear them (often I think they are pretty, just look terrible on me).

[Janeway]

11 minutes ago, kbutton said:

 

There are times when it's better I don't know my DH's opinion about things because he often likes what he likes, and there is zero rhyme or reason (or taste) involved. For instance, if I ask him to clothes shop with me, he'll find things he likes, and it won't matter if it looks good on me. If he likes it, he'll think it looks good. Now, if I like it and try it on, and it doesn't fit well, he's able to be more objective, lol! But not if it's something he likes. It's very weird. It's just better to leave him out of it altogether and beg him to not buy me clothes so that I don't feel bad when I don't wear them (often I think they are pretty, just look terrible on me).

Oh..clothes shopping with my husband is a pain! If I buy clothes and just wear them, he says it all looks great. BUT, if I take him along, he starts picking out things I cannot stand and tell me he just LOVES it. 

[caedmyn]

24 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

The "panelling" the OP is stuck with is rough wood that looks unfinished and only covers the lower half of the wall (like wainscoting). Some of it is vertical and some is diagonal, and the quality of the wood looks like what pallets are made from. I'm with you — I would have sanded it down and painted it myself while DH was at work. But I don't know how into DIY Caedmyn is, or what the repercussions would be from her DH. 

We actually have several different types of paneling and wainscoting.  There's blue pine wainscoting in the master bedroom and family room (which is probably what you've seen in some my other threads), dark paneling or wainscoting in another bedroom and the dining room, and rough hewn pine waincoting in the bonus room and 2 bedrooms.  The rough hewn pine is the splintery stuff.  None of it is cheap--the previous owners must have spent a fortune on upgrades everywhere, but they were old and some of the "upgrades" like tons of wallpaper and all the paneling/wainscotting are not really popular and not to my taste.  But there are parts of the house that are really nice like couple of the bathrooms and the hickory cabinets in the kitchen.

 

[caedmyn]

1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

The panelling is a different story because that should have been figured out before purchasing the house since it is a major decorative change. 

 

This is one of the big problems.  Stuff that should have been worked out before we agreed to buy the house was never discussed because we were in a really bad spot marriage-wise.  Now we're in a much better place, and we need to try to have those discussions about our different expectations for the house.

[QueenCat]

If it doesn't hurt you financially, brings you pleasure, than ANY amount is fine. $2000 isn't that much too spend on decorating, especially since you mentioned window treatments.

[hippiemamato3]

I think you've been very restrained!

[Corraleno]

12 minutes ago, caedmyn said:

We actually have several different types of paneling and wainscoting.  There's blue pine wainscoting in the master bedroom and family room (which is probably what you've seen in some my other threads), dark paneling or wainscoting in another bedroom and the dining room, and rough hewn pine waincoting in the bonus room and 2 bedrooms.  The rough hewn pine is the splintery stuff.  None of it is cheap--the previous owners must have spent a fortune on upgrades everywhere, but they were old and some of the "upgrades" like tons of wallpaper and all the paneling/wainscotting are not really popular and not to my taste.  

I have diagonal rough-hewn planks covering the front and sides of a 14' tall chimney breast in my living room and I haaaaate it — it looks so dated and totally not my taste. I'm trying to decide whether to sheet-rock over it or just paint it, but I need to tackle the kitchen and family room first — and the family room has vinyl wallpaper and a fireplace faced with some sort of crazy lava rock! I sincerely hope "70s decor" never comes back, lol.

I hope you're able to convince your DH to let you do the house the way you want. IMO any mama who is home all day with 6 kids should get to make all the decorating decisions!

[katilac]

5 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I would like to add—I would not have spent my personal gift card money on things like this.  It’s a family need and should come out of the family budget.  I’d be pretty annoyed if that was the expectation.  Just like I would be annoyed if a new dishwasher was considered a Christmas present.

100% agree. 

$2,000 is very reasonable for what you listed. It doesn't sound like any of the 'possibly unnecessary' things were very expensive. That's quite a bit of furniture! If you could buy the other things also for under $2k, he should be impressed. It's also a very small amount in the context of buying a new, bigger house to begin with. 

It's too bad you didn't like the first curtains you purchased, but hardly a budget breaker. Sometimes we buy the wrong thing and it doesn't work out. As you said, if you don't use them elsewhere, you can try to sell them. These purchases were over they past year or so, yes? He is watching your spending too closely. 

[Carol in Cal.]

3 hours ago, Janeway said:

You should stop telling your husband how much things cost or your ideas, etc. I found my life was way easier when I did whatever I wanted. There came a point where I started asking my husbands opinion all the time and that has been a big mistake. When I ask his opinion I feel obligated to go along with whatever he wanted. When I did not ask his opinion he never complained. If I could keep my mouth shut I would never ask his opinion again LOL. So my advice to you is stop asking his opinion and stop repeating prices.

Here, too.  Weirdly enough.

I realized this when I stopped cooking because no matter what I offered to make he didn't want it.  And he would not say what he did want, which made me feel like a waitress with a jerky customer.  Not a great feeling about your husband.  When I started cooking again, I didn't ask him whether he wanted any.  I just cooked and he would say, Can I have some?  About stuff that I was sure he hated.  From there I progressed to I'm making this, do you want me to make enough for you, too?  To which he would always respond enthusiastically.  I will never understand this but have come to accept it.  We are now at the point where I announce my menu and he swoons with joy.  I guess he just didn't like to be asked about it.   (I do like to cook.)  Go figure!

WRT decor, we used to talk about it, and I would want us to agree before I did anything, while he would just bull ahead and do whatever and expect to be thanked.  Um, not so much.  Plus we would look at something, say couches, and he would get fixated on a style that I hated and that I knew he would find uncomfortable anyway, and not even consider anything else.  (Art deco style rounded top and wrap around sides couches.  Yeah, no.)  So we wouldn't get anything.  And he would then go do something that would be awful, like the time he started to refinish a lovely antique bed that I had owned before we were even married, even though I told him over and over that I liked it the way it was.  Then he decided it was too big a job.  So he took it to a stripper and paid him to finish stripping the nice finish off of it, and then put on this purple stain that was detestable.  I had been protesting all along, but supposedly he did not realize this.  At that point I told him that I was taking it somewhere to get that horrible purple stuff removed and put on something nice, and he finally listened and did that part himself, and in the end it looked pretty much like it did in the beginning only just a bit refreshed but with a lot of character gone along with money I would much rather have spent on other things. 

So I started to be really really strong if I hated an idea he floated, like the clerestory windows he wanted to put into our bedroom, which would have utterly ruined it for me.  (There was a nice view out of the existing window, and the project would have meant that I would never see it again, plus that feeling of being too short to see is the bane of my life and I don't want to feel like that in my home.)  I had told him that I would be depressed every time I was in that room if we did that, and he just kept planning to do it, and finally I said, Look, do not do this to this house, this is not OK, I absolutely hate it.  Again, he was all like, we have been planning on this!  And I was like, hey dude, when I told you it would depress me every time I was in the room, didn't you think that indicated a lack of agreement?  Again, I needed to be stronger and very explicit, actually almost rudely so, just to get him to actually hear me.  So weird.

For decor now, I just figure it out and tell him what I think I'm going to do and if he doesn't object I do it.  I don't really consult anymore except for big furniture purchases.  We don't seem to do that very well.

Edited February 2, 2020 by Carol in Cal.

[BlsdMama]

7 hours ago, caedmyn said:

At the end of 2018 we moved from a 2000 sq ft house to a 3300 sq ft house.  Since then I've spent about $2000 on decorating it, which DH thinks is way too much.  I purchased curtains and rods for three rooms (our curtains from the other house were all about 10 years old and/or faded, and none fit the new windows anyway), blackout shades for the master bedroom, towels and bath mats for three bathrooms (we had two bathrooms before and only one had bath mats, and all our towels were a few years old and getting pretty ratty), a large rug, some decorative items, a few small pieces of canvas artwork. and some decorative storage items (canvas bins, woven baskets), and a few miscellaneous items.  That total also included buying several pieces of furniture--coffee & end table set, ottoman, sofa table, buffet, another buffet which is a decorative piece for a big nook in our foyer, a cube shelf, a night stand, and a dresser.  The furniture was all bought used except for the night stand which was on clearance at Furniture Row.  I'm mostly done decorating the main living areas but will probably spend a couple hundred dollars more on some decent artwork for a couple rooms.

The only thing I think I've wasted money on is curtains--each of the three rooms is on its second set of curtains since we moved in, because as I got further along in decorating I started disliking the original sets of curtains I purchased.  If I don't use the curtains elsewhere in the house I'll sell them on FB marketplace and probably get back half of what I paid for them.  DH has a great job and it is not at all an issue of whether we can afford what I've spent, and also almost 1/4 of that amount was covered by gift cards I was given for birthdays and Christmas.

What does the Hive think...is that an unreasonable amount of money to spend on decorating a much larger house over a year's time? 

Frankly I think $2,000 is amazing considering you also got furniture. 

[Farrar]

I don't understand how anyone can say rugs are not necessary. Like, do you live somewhere that's always warm? Do your children tip toe or do you just deal with the noise?

On some level, no one needs more than a shack with heat and food and access to water. Like, strictly speaking, you don't actually need a bed. Just some bedding. You don't need a dining room table. I would consider at least some rugs to be as necessary as seating and tables. Which is to say, no, not absolutely necessary, but come on.

[Janeway]

2 hours ago, Farrar said:

I don't understand how anyone can say rugs are not necessary. Like, do you live somewhere that's always warm? Do your children tip toe or do you just deal with the noise?

On some level, no one needs more than a shack with heat and food and access to water. Like, strictly speaking, you don't actually need a bed. Just some bedding. You don't need a dining room table. I would consider at least some rugs to be as necessary as seating and tables. Which is to say, no, not absolutely necessary, but come on.

I think rugs are not neccessary if you have carpet. Even then, sometimes, it is wise to put rugs where there is a particularly high amount of traffic.

[Farrar]

8 minutes ago, Janeway said:

I think rugs are not neccessary if you have carpet. Even then, sometimes, it is wise to put rugs where there is a particularly high amount of traffic.

Well, yeah. I guess I assumed from context of what she's said that it's hard surface flooring in most rooms.

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, Farrar said:

I don't understand how anyone can say rugs are not necessary. Like, do you live somewhere that's always warm? Do your children tip toe or do you just deal with the noise?

We argue about this one, but I am the anti-rug person, lol! In case you're actually wondering what people don't like about rugs, I can tell you what doesn't work in our house. It's a pretty light-hearted take. 

I have allergies to dust, a clumsy kid, etc. Rugs are stressful to keep clean (the one we have is not on a floor you can use a steam mop over), and I think they look pretty bad after a very short time unless they have a very high thread count (or whatever the version of that is for rugs). 

If I can take something out and shake dirt out of it even after consistent daily sweeping, it's just...gross. 

We also have a really hard time finding ones sized to rooms and furniture--they seem to all be designed for open concept houses where you don't have to work around pianos, bookcases, etc. 

Rugs just complicate things.

I actually really like throw rugs, but I get my feet tangled up in them, so we don't have those either. We tried and failed. 

We have one large rug that was given to us, and I tolerate it only because it lightens up the room. We have one tiny rug next to the bed for my DH, and it's already driving me nuts. We have more industrial mats near doors and by the cellar steps--those clean well and actually stay put, so those are okay. They also largely blend into our hard flooring.

[JustEm]

19 hours ago, caedmyn said:

This is one of the big problems.  Stuff that should have been worked out before we agreed to buy the house was never discussed because we were in a really bad spot marriage-wise.  Now we're in a much better place, and we need to try to have those discussions about our different expectations for the house.

 

That makes sense. I'm glad you guys are in a better place now.  But if your dh is upset over $2000 spent over a one year period you still have a long way to go. 

Not that I'm sure how you go about figuring out those types of disagreements without a counselor when things seem so unbalanced in the decision making process.

[JustEm]

3 hours ago, Farrar said:

I don't understand how anyone can say rugs are not necessary. Like, do you live somewhere that's always warm? Do your children tip toe or do you just deal with the noise?

On some level, no one needs more than a shack with heat and food and access to water. Like, strictly speaking, you don't actually need a bed. Just some bedding. You don't need a dining room table. I would consider at least some rugs to be as necessary as seating and tables. Which is to say, no, not absolutely necessary, but come on.

 

In my mind rugs are strictly a decorative thing. I don't see any purpose in them other than to tie a room together. Socks and slippers is what we do instead of rugs. But I'm not a fan of creating more housework for myself and having to vacuum, spot clean, etc a rug is just not worth the decorative value.

I do not live in an area that is always warm. Some of our rooms are wall to wall carpet but I wish they weren't. I much prefer a hard floor with no dust collecting rugs

[Corraleno]

The OP has a lot of stone tile, though, which is much harder and colder than wood (or vinyl or laminate). She has littles, too, and sitting on a hard/cold/rough stone floor is pretty uncomfortable. I had the same kind of tile she has (travertine) in my last house, and I even had underfloor heating, and it was still uncomfortable to sit or stand on for any length of time. And I would rather vacuum a rug than scrub grout any day!

[Storygirl]

1 hour ago, Arctic Mama said:

Rugs are so helpful for the reasons you mentioned.  Also I got mine at 80% off clearance sales as our sears was going out of business AND it looked like it had lady bits on it, which makes me smirk every time I think about them 😌

mwahahahaaaa! I always wonder if my guests notice and wonder if I notice and if they should say anything 🤣

There is an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, where the grandmother makes a giant sculpture in her pottery class, which she is very proud of, but it reminds everyone else of that part of a woman's anatomy. They have a great debate about whether she did it on purpose, and whether they should tell her or not. 😂