Need advice on how to respond

[MEmama]

Quick backstory...I do not have much of a relationship with my parents. My mother shuns us (me, DH and DS—her only son in law and only grandchild) at every turn. Mostly I’ve learned to shrug it off, and at 80 she’s not going to change. Dad can be difficult and while not emotionally invested in us, he does have some areas where he tries to relate. My mother doesn’t acknowledge my sons birthdays, doesn’t send anything him for Christmas, takes zero interest in his activities. She never, ever asks about us and doesn’t respond to anything I share. Any communication, which is rare enough, centers on her (and my older sister who is the golden child and can do wrong).

Yesterday I received a text that felt like a sucker punch to my stomach. Apparently she is flying across the country (they live near SF, we are in Maine) to meet my sister in Boston (sister only travels, she has no job or family, but does stay with my parents when she has to spend time in this country, and they travel with each other quite a bit—they see her much more than they see us) for a couple of days before taking the train back. We literally live a couple hours from Boston, it’s nothing for us to go there, but there was zero mention of coming up to visit us or us meeting them in the city. Very, very clearly the trip is only to see sister. 

She will be here, basically in our backyard, right at my son's birthday. I doubt she’s even remembered.

I really need advice how to respond. She will misinterpret anything I say so I’m less concerned about she will take it (decades prove she’s going to take it wrong. I literally cannot win), but I don’t want to regret saying too much. My family is not safe for me to share my emotions. I'm leaning toward not responding at all.

To make it all worse, we are going out to visit soon (sister is flying into Boston en route to spending a few months at their house, so she will be there when we are). So basically, mom is going to see both of us soon, but she’s still coming across country to *where I live* just to get a couple extra days with sister. 
 

I'm sick even writing this out, that she can be so heartless, so unthinking. Because we’ll be out there soon, there’s no way I can just avoid telling DS that grandma is coming out but doesn’t want to see him. On his birthday. 
 

Please, please be gentle. 

[Miss Tick]

What is your motivation for maintaining this hurtful relationship?

[Bambam]

I am so sorry. That sounds awful. Why would you even try to meet up with her? Personally, I'd probably tell myself that my mom is not mentally well so she can't be a normal mom nor a normal grandmother - I'd probably tell my child this too (depending upon maturity). I'd write it off, and go on with my life. It seems to me, from the brief part you've shared, that it would just mean continued hurt to me as I hope for her to respond or reach out to try to establish a more typical mom/grandmom relationship. 

[MEmama]

18 minutes ago, SusanC said:

What is your motivation for maintaining this hurtful relationship?

I don’t much anymore. But they are my parents, KWIM?

[MEmama]

7 minutes ago, Bambam said:

I am so sorry. That sounds awful. Why would you even try to meet up with her? Personally, I'd probably tell myself that my mom is not mentally well so she can't be a normal mom nor a normal grandmother - I'd probably tell my child this too (depending upon maturity). I'd write it off, and go on with my life. It seems to me, from the brief part you've shared, that it would just mean continued hurt to me as I hope for her to respond or reach out to try to establish a more typical mom/grandmom relationship. 

I feel obligated to go out to visit with them. Dad needs to go over will stuff, etc and wants us all there. It’s the right thing to go.

[StephanieZ]

I am very averse to cutting off family relationships. But, in your case, I will make an exception. I think you'd all be much better off cutting off all contact. And, for sure, there is NO benefit in telling your child ANYTHING about your mother being nearby. He has no need to know. Telling him just shares your pain and inflicts it on him. That's not allowed when it's your child. This is your pain to bear or your relationship to mend or end. So far as I can tell from what you've said, it's time to end it. And, FWIW, I'd say the same goes for your sister. She knows where you live and is complicit in the intentional hurtfulness. Get a therapist if you need to, but end this. 

 

 

[MEmama]

5 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Why not?  

I think respond to the text something like "Oh, great, have fun with sister.  Too bad we can't visit, we will be busy with our own child's birthday party."  And she will take it however she will take it, but what you are saying is that your own child is more important to you than she is.

And once you go out to visit your parents, she will probably mention the trip but let her explain it.  Really, if your siggie is correct, he probably already sees how she is.  He might even be wondering the same thing as a previous poster, why do you keep trying with this relationship.  I have a nephew who has a biological mother who is similar.  Not so much in the playing of favorites but in the no real interest in anything that concerns anything not related to what she wants.  By the time he was a teen, he was avoiding her as much as possible, and when he was 17 turning 18, he didn't even tell her that he graduated high school early, or that he had signed up to join the navy.  When she did find out, he was like "yeah, sure mom, you can come to my graduation" but yeah, he very clearly saw how she was and just doesn't put up with it.  

Yeah, you’re right. He definitely knows. 
No doubt she’ll talk up her trip, tell US what to do in Boston, what a glorious time they had...I don’t want to not warn him. 
I make zero excuses for her anymore. It’s one thing for her to treat me so poorly, but she’s deprived her only grandchild of a grandparent (despite her annual whining about not knowing her grandson...ARGH!!!!!!).

[catz]

I think it is fine to not respond at all.   Or just say thanks for the update.  If she doesn’t want to visit with you, why should she even bother telling you?   Does she take joy rubbing it in your face?   I’m sure your son if he is an aging teen sees the writing on the wall.  I talk to my teens when other adults in our lives behave badly.  We have some tense relationships with a few members of family and to my kids, they just don’t have the history or baggage with those relationships.  They expect little.  It’s more difficult for me though I’ve worked hard at letting go.  Therapy was helpful for me to let go.  
 

[MEmama]

2 minutes ago, StephanieZ said:

I am very averse to cutting off family relationships. But, in your case, I will make an exception. I think you'd all be much better off cutting off all contact. And, for sure, there is NO benefit in telling your child ANYTHING about your mother being nearby. He has no need to know. Telling him just shares your pain and inflicts it on him. That's not allowed when it's your child. This is your pain to bear or your relationship to mend or end. So far as I can tell from what you've said, it's time to end it. And, FWIW, I'd say the same goes for your sister. She knows where you live and is complicit in the intentional hurtfulness. Get a therapist if you need to, but end this. 

 

 

My sister and I are essentially estranged. I have zero interest in any relationship with her.

I only see my parents one a year or less. There’s not much of a relationship remaining to formally end.

[Hoggirl]

She will not change.  You can only change how you choose to react to her.  Easier said than done, I know. I’m very sorry.

Is she expecting that you will ask to come up to meet them?  And will she be angry if you don’t initiate making that happen?  Definitely sounds like a no-win, manipulative situation.  Why are you going to visit her?  

If you feel compelled to reply, I would reply, “Thanks for letting me know your travel plans.  We’ll see you [whenever date].” 

If your son is 16 (as is indicated in your signature), I wouldn’t try to keep anything from him.  My fil was an a$$.  Not nearly to the level of your mother, however, and his behaviors were different.  When ds was little, I did not say anything disparaging to ds about his grandpa.  As ds got older, I quit “protecting” fil.  If your son indicates he is hurt by her behavior, support those feelings.  “I know, son.  I have spent a lifetime of being hurt by her.  I wish it were different, but she isn’t going to change.” 

[Scarlett]

In my experience grandkids aren’t affected by bad grandparent behaviors nearly in the same  adult kids are.  So if he seems bothered by it I would say what Hog girl above suggested......

as for your relationships with your mom...I am sorry.  Just go for the trip you already have planned and try to put it out of your mind otherwise.  

[plansrme]

34 minutes ago, MEmama said:

I don’t much anymore. But they are my parents, KWIM?

No, I don't know what you mean.  Parents get held to a lower standard of human decency because they're parents?  No, they do not.  Please think long and hard about what you're teaching your son about how people get to treat him.  When my own mother, who sounds a lot like yours, started taking her craziness out on my children (especially one of them, the one who would have been the most eager to love her despite her craziness), that was the end of our relationship.  I could not let my children, especially girls, think we take emotional (or any other, for that matter) abuse from someone just because she is related to us.  As for the planned trip, can you not go visit your father without your son?  

[JustEm]

Just say, 'cool, safe travels and enjoy you trip.' there is no need.forore than that.

As for your son, don't hide his grandmother's poor behavior from him, especially if he is going to see her soon. Just mention that she is being her normal selfish self and was in Boston recently but had no intention of meeting up with you guys.

[DawnM]

I am so very sorry.  I don't know how you are dealing with all of this from your own emotional perspective, but I would suggest you go and talk to a trained person about your emotions and how to deal with this.  This message board in particular I have found to be rather harsh in a "cut all ties and never speak to them again" perspective.  I don't know where that all stems from, but I do know it isn't always possible for many of us.  You have your father to consider, and your sister, and your kids.

Hugs.

[JustEm]

3 minutes ago, plansrme said:

No, I don't know what you mean.  Parents get held to a lower standard of human decency because they're parents?  No, they do not.  Please think long and hard about what you're teaching your son about how people get to treat him.  When my own mother, who sounds a lot like yours, started taking her craziness out on my children (especially one of them, the one who would have been the most eager to love her despite her craziness), that was the end of our relationship.  I could not let my children, especially girls, think we take emotional (or any other, for that matter) abuse from someone just because she is related to us.  As for the planned trip, can you not go visit your father without your son?  

This is how I would handle it if it were my mom. We actually have relatives that I will not expose my children to unless dh and I are both there so we can quickly leave if need be. But since dh never travels with me to visit the family this person is in, we haven't visited in almost 5 years.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, DawnM said:

I am so very sorry.  I don't know how you are dealing with all of this from your own emotional perspective, but I would suggest you go and talk to a trained person about your emotions and how to deal with this.  This message board in particular I have found to be rather harsh in a "cut all ties and never speak to them again" perspective.  I don't know where that all stems from, but I do know it isn't always possible for many of us.  You have your father to consider, and your sister, and your kids.

Hugs.

No kidding.  I personally don’t think that is a healthy way of dealing with ones parents.  A pulling back, not investing so much of our hearts in the way they treat us....sure....there are ways to mitigate these tricky relationships.  But burning it all to the ground?  I think except  in a few rare situations that is an extreme response.  And I think a good portion of the cut them off completely people might live to regret that decision. 

[DawnM]

49 minutes ago, MEmama said:

I don’t much anymore. But they are my parents, KWIM?

 

Yes, I very much know what you mean.  You want to honor your parents, as best you can, without getting hurt, and it sounds like you don't want to cut your father out of the picture.  And you want to show your kids that we don't just stop caring about mentally ill people.

[Valley Girl]

That's really rough.

Do you have to even respond? I mean, if she didn't ask a question or say something that actually required some type of confirmation from you, could you just ignore it as simply an informational message not requiring response? I can't think why she's even telling you since apparently it doesn't involve you in any way. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. And I agree with others: I wouldn't say anything to DS. If she brings it up during your visit, let her fumble for an explanation.

You have my sympathy.

[Pen]

“How nice of you to come to our area on Grandson’s birthday! If you can meet us at the ______ (restaurant or similar) at noon on the _____th, we’ll be having a little birthday celebration.  Hope to see you!”

and I’d name a place where you live and can conveniently go—not Boston.  If she wants to suggest Boston, let her.  If she wants to say she can’t meet, let her

I’d only say anything to your son if he will be seeing her on this trip

For Will matters with your father, you can almost certainly do that via telephone.  

 

Edited January 13, 2020 by Pen

[Scarlett]

I would like to point out she did not say the text came from her mom. 

[Pen]

Does your father acknowledge your son’s birthdays, send him something for Christmas, etc.?

[Pen]

 

1 hour ago, MEmama said:

My family is not safe for me to share my emotions. I'm leaning toward not responding at all.

 

Not responding at all is also fine.  

And nothing needs to be said to your son. 

 

[plansrme]

35 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

No kidding.  I personally don’t think that is a healthy way of dealing with ones parents.  A pulling back, not investing so much of our hearts in the way they treat us....sure....there are ways to mitigate these tricky relationships.  But burning it all to the ground?  I think except  in a few rare situations that is an extreme response.  And I think a good portion of the cut them off completely people might live to regret that decision. 

When you're seen a parent be flat-out mean to one of your kids, or when you've seen her lie about your kid exactly the way she lied to and about you, it is more than a tricky relationship.  It is a toxic one.  And there does not have to be a burn-it-down confrontation; it can be a walking-away without looking back.  I have no regrets.  Sure, maybe I will one day, but I will have protected my kid from the cycle.

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, plansrme said:

When you're seen a parent be flat-out mean to one of your kids, or when you've seen her lie about your kid exactly the way she lied to and about you, it is more than a tricky relationship.  It is a toxic one.  And there does not have to be a burn-it-down confrontation; it can be a walking-away without looking back.  I have no regrets.  Sure, maybe I will one day, but I will have protected my kid from the cycle.

I had a MIL like that.  Ds has had very little contact with her but we have never encouraged him to cut her completely off. Xh has a brother and niece who haven’t spoken to her in 10 years.  We all have to make decisions we feel best. There is a tendency on this board to cut family completely off though.  

Edited January 13, 2020 by Scarlett

[Carrie12345]

57 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I am so very sorry.  I don't know how you are dealing with all of this from your own emotional perspective, but I would suggest you go and talk to a trained person about your emotions and how to deal with this.  This message board in particular I have found to be rather harsh in a "cut all ties and never speak to them again" perspective.  I don't know where that all stems from, but I do know it isn't always possible for many of us.  You have your father to consider, and your sister, and your kids.

Hugs.

 

51 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

No kidding.  I personally don’t think that is a healthy way of dealing with ones parents.  A pulling back, not investing so much of our hearts in the way they treat us....sure....there are ways to mitigate these tricky relationships.  But burning it all to the ground?  I think except  in a few rare situations that is an extreme response.  And I think a good portion of the cut them off completely people might live to regret that decision. 

Or a lot of people here can’t help but share the option that transformed their lives from constant pain to healthy emotions and fulfilling relationships.  It’s hard not to throw that out there when seeing others hurt in similar ways.  Like how some people can’t stop telling everyone who feels icky to cut out gluten and dairy, lol.

[J-rap]

I don't think you need to cut all ties, but I do think you could take control.  Otherwise, it sounds like you're just opening yourself up to letting her hurt you again and again and again.  It's obvious that even though this has gone on forever, it still hurts you.  I think this is what I'd do:

Stop expecting her to change.  She clearly has some mental issues ~ who knows what, and I wouldn't plan on that changing at this point.

Be open with your ds.  You don't have to put her down, but you can explain it honestly and it will also help your ds understand healthy boundaries.  You could say something like, "Your grandmother has some kind of a mental illness or damaged thinking.  Please don't take it personally.  It's not about you or our family, at all.  I don't know if something terrible happened to her in her childhood, or if her parents were abusive, or what.  But she doesn't know how to truly love people, and usually ends up hurting them as a result.  It's very sad, but she refuses to seek help or change."  (Obviously, depending on maturity level and his understanding of things, use appropriate language to get a simple message across.)

You can still respond to her texts, but make them short, matter-of-fact, no expectations.  I liked hjffkj's response: "Cool, safe travels and enjoy your trip." There is no need for more than that.

As far as your statement:  "I feel obligated to go out to visit with them. Dad needs to go over will stuff, etc and wants us all there. It’s the right thing to go."   Well, I agree you can handle this situation decently, but I wouldn't fly across the country with my family only to be hurt and treated unkindly.  Surely you're going partly because you're still hoping for a better experience this time, but it will likely not happen, and knowing the money you spent to get there and how your ds was once again ignored, etc., will cause it to hurt you even more.  I think your dad needs to also do the right thing.  I'd contact your dad and tell him you'd be happy to go over his will, etc., with him, but will do so when he's in Boston.  Either you can drive down to meet him for the afternoon/day  ~ you could meet him at a restaurant, a library conference room, etc....  Or, if he'd like to also see your ds, you can invite your dad to take the train (to Portland, I'm thinking?) to visit you in your home for the afternoon.  I would just assume that I won't be seeing my mother and leave it at that.

I wouldn't have expectations anymore.  I'd feel sorry for them, especially your mother, for how she lived her life (which is probably partly out of her control).  But you don't have to open yourself up to being hurt anymore.  I'd handle it now more like a professional business arrangement.  Be decent, be efficient, get the job done.

I'm really sorry though...  If it were me, I know it would be very difficult.  It's always easier to give advice to someone else!  It sounds like you've worked really hard to keep up some kind of relationship.

Edited January 13, 2020 by J-rap

[DawnM]

4 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

 

Or a lot of people here can’t help but share the option that transformed their lives from constant pain to healthy emotions and fulfilling relationships.  It’s hard not to throw that out there when seeing others hurt in similar ways.  Like how some people can’t stop telling everyone who feels icky to cut out gluten and dairy, lol.

 

I think it is a little short sighted to project that every situation must be exactly like yours.  Saying, "this is what helped me in my situation" is fine, but the "you NEED to do X and Y, just like I did because I know what you should do" is not allowing things to be discussed at all.

No situation is 100% the same.  

[Pen]

5 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I don't think you need to cut all ties, but I do think you could take control.  Otherwise, it sounds like you're just opening yourself up to letting her hurt you again and again and again.  It's obvious that even though this has gone on forever, it still hurts you.  I think this is what I'd do:

Stop expecting her to change.  She clearly has some mental issues ~ who knows what, and I wouldn't plan on that changing at this point.

Be open with your ds.  You don't have to put her down, but you can explain it honestly and it will also help your ds understand healthy boundaries.  You could say something like, "Your grandmother has some kind of a mental illness or damaged thinking.  Please don't take it personally.  It's not about you or our family, at all.  I don't know if something terrible happened to her in her childhood, or if her parents were abusive, or what.  But she doesn't know how to truly love people, and usually ends up hurting them as a result.  It's very sad, but she refuses to seek help or change."

You can still respond to her texts, but make them short, matter-of-fact, no expectations.  I liked hjffkj's response: "Cool, safe travels and enjoy your trip." There is no need for more than that.

As far as your statement:  "I feel obligated to go out to visit with them. Dad needs to go over will stuff, etc and wants us all there. It’s the right thing to go."   Well, I agree you can handle this situation decently, but I wouldn't fly across the country with my family only to be hurt and treated unkindly.  Surely you're going partly because you're still hoping for a better experience this time, but it will likely not happen, and knowing the money you spent to get there and how your ds was once again ignored, etc., will cause it to hurt you even more.  I think your dad needs to also do the right thing.  I'd contact your dad and tell him you'd be happy to go over his will, etc., with him, but will do so when he's in Boston.  Either you can drive down to meet him for the afternoon/day  ~ you could meet him at a restaurant, a library conference room, etc....  Or, if he'd like to also see your ds, you can invite your dad to take the train (to Portland, I'm thinking?) to visit you in your home for the afternoon.  I would just assume that I won't be seeing my mother and leave it at that.

I wouldn't have expectations anymore.  I'd feel sorry for them, especially your mother, for how she lived her life (which is probably partly out of her control).  But you don't have to open yourself up to being hurt anymore.  I'd handle it now more like a professional business arrangement.  Be decent, be efficient, get the job done.

I'm really sorry though...  If it were me, I know it would be very difficult.  It's always easier to give advice to someone else!  It sounds like you've worked really hard to keep up some kind of relationship.

 

I like this!

Also be aware you could be traveling to see them about Will so they can let you know in person that everything (Or nearly everything) will be going to your sister.  

[Miss Tick]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

This message board in particular I have found to be rather harsh in a "cut all ties and never speak to them again" perspective.  I don't know where that all stems from

It is probably because we have nothing invested in the relationship and only this one scenario from the injured party on which to base our response. Presumably everyone who posts a problem will then also decide which responses resonate with them and which do not.

[alisoncooks]

Honestly, I'd ignore the text if it were my mother with a history of behaving that way. If she wants to see your family, she can do the work and make the effort. I wouldn't make any invitations or suggestions or have any hopes -- that just opens yourself to being shut down and hurt again. If she wants a relationship, she'll reach out. 

[Pen]

Out of curiosity, how does your sister manage to “only travel” with no job or anything? 

[fairfarmhand]

Your son probably already gets it. I've found that my kids are much less emotionally invested in weird family relationships. They already know that "Granny's just like that." and don't expect anything different. So don't expect him to be hurt. In fact, my presenting as "You may be hurt over this" tends to increase the likelihood of emotional angst. I wouldnt' say anything to mom. She already doesn't care. Telling her anything will only stir up drama.

Go see your dad and do the elder care/will stuff. Seems like you don't expect anything, you're just fulfilling your sense of duty. I'm sure every now and then the hurt pops up, even if you think you've accepted or dealt with it. That is normal and healthy. Just work through those feelings as they come and remind yourself that your mom is not capable of having healthy relationships. Think of the trip to see your family as a business transaction and stop with the "shoulds" and "if onlys" Because those shoulds and if onlys are only going to lead to hurt. 

(By the way, if you can't go out there without the hope of a relationship, without the "if only" attitude, don't go. Remember...a business transaction. That's it,)

[Emba]

1 hour ago, Valley Girl said:

That's really rough.

Do you have to even respond? I mean, if she didn't ask a question or say something that actually required some type of confirmation from you, could you just ignore it as simply an informational message not requiring response? I can't think why she's even telling you since apparently it doesn't involve you in any way. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. And I agree with others: I wouldn't say anything to DS. If she brings it up during your visit, let her fumble for an explanation.

You have my sympathy.

I agree with this absolutely. Don’t answer at all. Nothing good will come of it. As much as you can, stop letting her text take up mental space and energy, and don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing it matters to you. I am truly sorry your mother is so selfish. I don’t advocate cutting all ties, but protect yourself.

[DawnM]

45 minutes ago, SusanC said:

It is probably because we have nothing invested in the relationship and only this one scenario from the injured party on which to base our response. Presumably everyone who posts a problem will then also decide which responses resonate with them and which do not.

 

Then respond with a "this is what worked for me."  Not a "you must do exactly this!"

[alisoncooks]

2 minutes ago, parent said:

I would respond to mother:  "Hope you enjoy Boston and visit wirh sister.  We will be busy with son's bday and cannot join you."

Then tell son after bday, "Grandma was in Boston but we already had plans for your bday and did not want to go to Boston, so she just visited with Aunt."

And do something special for son's bday.

But unless I misunderstood the OP, she's not been invited to the visit in Boston. She's just been told about someone else's visit plans and has been left out.  That's the problem. 

[Katy]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You should have a mom who loves you and is invested in you and your son.

I'd definitely ignore the message.

I'd seriously consider ending all of these relationships.

Your son is old enough to have narcissism explained to him.  And he probably should have a good understanding of personality disorders before he leaves home so he doesn't find himself in a relationship with someone who has one.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think you could text back, great, have fun, you are welcome to join us for DS’s birthday—the plans are....if you want to come let me know by xx/xx date.  And I would expect no response whatsoever.  I would carefully word it so that no response was requested, to avoid giving the satisfaction of being able to jab you with meanness of not responding.

And then I would not bring the whole family to CA.  I would go by myself.  And I’d have a back up plan for things to do that would be fun/special/nostalgic/educational/spiritual if everything blew up.  AND I’d plan an extension of the trip that would be a treat for me that I could look forward to—whatever would really float my boat, whether it is staying at a B and B in Cambria with a stack of really good books and sturdy walking shoes, or a retreat in the Catholic center in Palo Alto in the hills, or a few hikes in the Santa Cruz Mountains or the Sierras, or attending Stitches West (coming up in Feb at the Santa Clara Convention Center).  I would MAKE SURE that I kept my family entirely safe, and that I personally had an escape plan and also something to look forward to. 

Edited January 13, 2020 by Carol in Cal.

[prairiewindmomma]

I would wish her well on the trip, and say no more. You were pointedly not invited. I would let ds know Granny was off to visit Auntie and leave it at that also. If he asks questions, answer them, but I have also found that my kids are less emotional invested in their grandparents...precisely because no relationship has been built.

Grieving that you don’t have an ideal or even healthy relationship is a natural thing. But I would work on separating that grief from the actual relationship you have with your mom. Does that make sense? Deal with the person in front of you. 

If you want to go to CA, great. But if you are going only out of a sense of obligation, then give pause to think about if it’s worth the time/$/emotional wrenching in the future. Maybe move it out to going to every other year, or see them for three hours and vacation somewhere nearby for the rest of your trip.

 

Edited January 13, 2020 by prairiewindmomma

[Pen]

50 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

But unless I misunderstood the OP, she's not been invited to the visit in Boston. She's just been told about someone else's visit plans and has been left out.  That's the problem. 

 

Yeah.  It’s a bit like a friend letting you know she’ll be going to spend time with someone else, not you.   Seems a little like catty high school girl clique behavior, but one hopes for different from a mother/grandmother. 

I think the only two reasonable responses are 1) no response, or 2) an ordinary one inviting the other person to attend part of grandchild’s birthday if the relative is so inclined (realizing that the relative may not be pleasant about it). 

Eta: given what was described, of the two I’d probably go with issuing an invitation to meet in my own nearest convenient city at a public place so as not to have an inability to extricate myself from unpleasantness.  I wouldn’t expect a nice reply or a nice meeting if meeting happened, but I’d know that I made a friendly opening for a grandmotherly visit if that were something the grandma wanted to do.  It would put not showing up on grandma, instead on me for not inviting.  

 

Edited January 13, 2020 by Pen

[Shoeless]

1 hour ago, Pen said:

 

I like this!

Also be aware you could be traveling to see them about Will so they can let you know in person that everything (Or nearly everything) will be going to your sister.  

Yes, be prepared for this. Been there, done that with my father on Christmas Eve several years ago.  It was a sucker punch. 

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

 

I think it is a little short sighted to project that every situation must be exactly like yours.  Saying, "this is what helped me in my situation" is fine, but the "you NEED to do X and Y, just like I did because I know what you should do" is not allowing things to be discussed at all.

No situation is 100% the same.  

Which is exactly what I’m saying, too.

”I would” or “Have you considered” cutting out gluten, dairy, using essential oils, losing weight, KonMari-ing, Saxon Math, and therapy are all life changing things for many posters, so they bring it up. Some of those things are not for me.  I (usually silently) appreciate the posters intentions and move on. Others may benefit from those posts. And thee’s still a part of me that would love to try goat yoga.Someday.

People who experience great healing like to share their experience with others, however crazy they might sound to some.

[Farrar]

I don't fully understand why you and your entire family are flying all the way across the country to see them. I get that your contact is limited... but when one part of the family lives in Maine and the other in Cali, sometimes even *close* family doesn't see each other once a year. Are you seeing other friends or family out there? Or, is your relationship with your father much better? I'm unclear because you say you're going for him, but he's not mentioned really there. Are your parents together? What's that dynamic?

I guess I just wonder if you're in deeper than you think. Like, if you really feel an obligation to go out there and help with specific things, that's admirable, but I think it's okay to leave the kids behind. It's also okay to not share, to not respond. I'd be honest with my kids though. When we've had situations where something was "off" with a relative or family friend or something, I just say it. They're better off knowing. But this is also why I wouldn't let their relationship or hopes be too high for her in the first place. Like, will your son actually even care that she didn't show up and was nearbyish? And if so, why would he? I guess if that was my family, I'd have created the idea from the start with my kids that "this grandma is off living her life and we're happy for her, but we don't see her often. She's not a giving gifts grandma." Kids don't have a natural expectation of grandparents other than the ones we set up for them.

Edited January 13, 2020 by Farrar

[Pen]

24 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

Yes, be prepared for this. Been there, done that with my father on Christmas Eve several years ago.  It was a sucker punch. 

 

Given what’s been shared so far it seems likely to be the case.  Or if parents are together that all will be left to the mother (who will ultimately leave it to sister). 

Or even very likely all money etc left to sister, but hard parts like power of attorney work and being executor left to @MEmama — because,   hey, MEmama is available—not traveling world and has husband and so on, so she should shoulder responsibility... 

 

ETA- and being away from home in another place can make it harder to say no, or to get personal legal advice as to potential big decisions .  Even if wanting to make visit, I think I’d want to separate the Will etc aspects. Ask for information about plans while at home with time to be able to look into it. 

Edited January 13, 2020 by Pen

[Pen]

21 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Which is exactly what I’m saying, too.

”I would” or “Have you considered” cutting out gluten, dairy, using essential oils, losing weight, KonMari-ing, Saxon Math, and therapy are all life changing things for many posters, so they bring it up. Some of those things are not for me.  I (usually silently) appreciate the posters intentions and move on. Others may benefit from those posts. And thee’s still a part of me that would love to try goat yoga.Someday.

People who experience great healing like to share their experience with others, however crazy they might sound to some.

 

I try to remember to use “I would” or “I used” or “Perhaps consider” phrasing—but I know I sometimes don’t.  I assume / hope readers will understand that as what I mean, that posts are thoughts and suggestions, not orders. 

[Shoeless]

Respond with something general and small-talk-ish "Have a safe trip! Enjoy Boston!".  It doesn't sound like she has actually invited you to see them, so I would ignore any hints of expectation that you should drive to Boston. 

What is the worst that happens if you don't take the bait and bring your family to Boston to be treated rudely by her? 

Don't build up the idea of "Grandma" to your son, because that will lead to disappointment.  I have downplayed the role of Grandma with my son.  My mother estranged herself from the family, but pops up once a year at Christmas. My son knows that my mother is alive, lives in Florida, and has a hard time being nice to people, so she decided to go be grumpy by herself in Florida. I told him it's a shame, because she is really smart and has a good sense of humor when she chooses to use it, but there isn't anything I can do until she decides to stop being grumpy. 

You control the narrative. Not your mother. 

 

Edited January 13, 2020 by MissLemon

[Pam in CT]

Hugs.

Balancing all the bits you've shared, I think I'd be inclined to text back something along the lines of thanks for letting us know. We'd love to see you for son's birthday dinner on ___ night if you're able to take the train up. 

And leave it there.  Leave the line open, but don't make yourself crazy.

[DoraBora]

Is your son required to go on your trip out west? 

I'm sorry this is the situation.  Its must be painful.

Edited January 13, 2020 by DoraBora

[SKL]

I think I would just act thick and invite myself and my kid over when your folks are visiting.  I would send out a message mentioning how it coincides with the birthday.

Would the sister arrange something for the birthday even though your folks don't visibly care?  Or is your sister also an avoider?

I don't look for the perfect grandparent-grandchild relationship, but I feel it's important for kids to spend time with their grandparents if/while they can ... unless the grandparents are outwardly nasty/abusive.

[MEmama]

Sorry I haven’t replied. I’ve been at work all morning. I appreciate all the insight and wisdom!
 

A few thoughts...

The text was from my mom. It’s very excited sounding and as always, it’s all about her. I am 100% certain she will never give any thought at any point to the fact that I live so close. If she had, she could have come the day before when it was not going to be a school and work day, or two days before to spend the weekend with us and get to see DS race (which every now and again she whines about never having the chance). 
 

I do not think she is mentally unstable. She is, however, completely selfish, which is why she idolizes my sister who has no responsibilities. She has told me many times that sister has it right, and goes out of her way to tell me she pities my life (in those words). For whatever it’s worth, DH and I have a stable, crazy for each other marriage of 25 years, but yeah, she pities me. 
 

DH agrees we shouldn’t bother going to CA but fully supports whatever I decide. I really do feel obligated. There are 3 birthdays to celebrate (the one of importance is hers, of course), the will stuff, and other minor reasons. We go out to visit very infrequently. Mom and dad are still together in a weird arrangement. I’m not concerned about everything being left to my sister, nor being made executor. I have a brother who lives close by who gets that job. But it will be full of drama no matter how much I try to avoid it; there is no avoiding ugliness when sister is around. 
 

DS knows not to expect anything from her. Last time we were there DH and I went out on a date night specifically so they could have the opportunity to hang out alone with DS (again, to address the whining about not having time with him...). Thankfully we cut it short, returning to a dark house and DS sitting alone in a dark living room not knowing what to do with himself. No one at all had said a word to him, or even stayed in the same room. It was AWFUL. 
 

Why do I put up with it? For the same reasons most people do. As it is, I rarely see them, have limited contact, and have learned to expect no emotional support. She’s made sure there is little actual relationship and I’ve long ago accepted that as best as I can. But I’m not going to throw up my hands and declare them dead to me. Mostly I can roll my eyes and feel sorry for her that she threw us away as it were, but this text just really affected me. I know I shouldn’t let it, but of course it’s not that simple. It feels really cruel. 

[Terabith]

I don’t think your son will be hurt by Grandma avoiding you guys on his birthday because she’s essentially a stranger.  He doesn’t have a relationship with her.  If anything, he’s probably relieved not to have to deal with her on his birthday.