Being thankful for work vs arrogance

[Scarlett]

I didn’t know how to title this comment....but I have noticed this thing my dhs contractor friend does to us.  We asked him to paint our new house.  He has a guy who works for him who helps too.  When we went by to give them checks on Friday....the helper ( not super young....probably 40s) accepts check....Dh says thank you and helper says, ‘no thank you for the work. ‘. And then they hugged.  Lol.   A bit later contractor friend says, ‘ I sure am glad we were able to work this job in for y’all.’ 

I pointed this out to Dh and he laughed and said, ‘yep, he does that. ‘. 

I don’t know why it bugs me.  

[alisoncooks]

Neither of those sounds like a negative comment?

[Scarlett]

Not negative exactly. Something about the second comment grates on  me. 

One time he said about another job for us, ‘I am glad I was able to do this for you guys at such a good price’. 

[Scarlett]

It is a reciprocal arrangement right? He isn’t doing us a favor. 

[Selkie]

Did he squeeze you in to his schedule or give you a price break because you are friends? Around here, good contractors are booked for months in advance. Maybe he bumped you ahead of other customers as a favor and that is what he was referring to?

[JustEm]

It was a rushed thing right, since you guys moved pretty fast on the house. A lot of contractors have people waiting for jobs to start. It truly could have been a good thing that he was available at such short notice or that he did do you a favor as a friend by doing your job before another one.

[Murphy101]

1 minute ago, Selkie said:

Did he squeeze you in to his schedule or give you a price break because you are friends? Around here, good contractors are booked for months in advance. Maybe he bumped you ahead of other customers as a favor and that is what he was referring to?

This would bug me too if I’m being honest.  It would bother me enough that I likely wouldn’t use them again bc the *repeated* comments come across as a passive aggressive way of saying they were either put out to do the work for me or to do the work at our agreed pricing - like they really sacrificed in some why to do it. If I valued their friendship, I wouldn’t want to make them feel that way or like I was a mooching friend. If it was just business, I wouldn’t appreciate feeling that way about paying them to do the work. 

[Slache]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Not negative exactly. Something about the second comment grates on  me. 

One time he said about another job for us, ‘I am glad I was able to do this for you guys at such a good price’. 

This bothers me. The first comment did not but after reading this is does. 

[Slache]

1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

I think you are making too much of it.  To me, it sounds like he's just saying he's happy you chose him to do the work.  

I'm not seeing this at all. I see it as more of "I really did you a favor and you had better appreciate it." If I do a service for someone (usually dog grooming) and the price is low because they can't afford it or because they are a friend I don't mention the fact that it's a lower price.

[happi duck]

Probably just different personalities.  But also, I wouldn't expect a contractor to have a "thank you for the work" demeanor.

The comment about money wouldn't bother me because I'm assuming there's labor and materials involved.  He could be glad he scored a deal on supplies or his team got it done without needing overtime.

[Scarlett]

 The difference between his  helpers comment snd his comment was just striking to me. We thanked the helper for his work and told him he did a great job. He then said you are welcome but thank you for giving me the work. To me this seems like a decent give-and-take of a business deal between friends. The contractor friend did not say thank you for the work, the check, or anything really it is just always him being so glad he’s  able to help us out. 

[Scarlett]

 It really is not the end of the world. I am just posting it here because I can’t say it to anyone in my real life except my husband. 🙂 But I was trying to articulate in my own mind why it bugs me so bad the way he treats us. Also if you guys had any idea the amount of free labor my husband has supplied him for the contractors personal home over the years maybe it would make more sense. After my husband spent days working on the contractors home they took us out to dinner as a thank you . But even that simple gesture was made to seem like they were really being appreciative.

[vonfirmath]

11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 It really is not the end of the world. I am just posting it here because I can’t say it to anyone in my real life except my husband. 🙂 But I was trying to articulate in my own mind why it bugs me so bad the way he treats us. Also if you guys had any idea the amount of free labor my husband has supplied him for the contractors personal home over the years maybe it would make more sense. After my husband spent days working on the contractors home they took us out to dinner as a thank you . But even that simple gesture was made to seem like they were really being appreciative.

 

Honestly, I was thinking it sounded like a breath of fresh air that they were appreciative for the work.

 

Think of it another way: You can choose to take the statement at face value or you can choose to look for underlying meanings in the words.

Edited November 25, 2019 by vonfirmath

[hippiemamato3]

I'd probably hire a different contractor next time. Passive aggressive comments aggravate me and I keep replaying them in my head when it happens wishing I had a better comeback. lol 

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, vonfirmath said:

 

Honestly, I was thinking it sounded like a breath of fresh air that they were appreciative for the work.

 

Think of it another way: You can choose to take the statement at face value or you can choose to look for underlying meanings in the words.

Helper said thank you for the work. Contractor said, ‘I am we were able to work you in. ‘

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, hippiemamato3 said:

I'd probably hire a different contractor next time. Passive aggressive comments aggravate me and I keep replaying them in my head when it happens wishing I had a better comeback. lol 

Yes! Me too.... oh the comments I should have said to him. 

 

[EKS]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

The contractor friend did not say thank you for the work, the check, or anything really it is just always him being so glad he’s  able to help us out. 

Maybe this is how he feels.  If you're having him do "little" jobs, for example, those tend to be scheduled on the fly between "big" jobs.  That he was able to squeeze you in probably was fortuitous.  Also, perhaps he's giving you better pricing than you realize because you are friends.  I know that I give a significant "friends and family" type discount for my tutoring services, but the people I'm giving it to don't even realize they're getting it.

[maize]

1 hour ago, happi duck said:

Probably just different personalities.  But also, I wouldn't expect a contractor to have a "thank you for the work" demeanor.

 

This is how I think. Is someone supposed to grovel with gratitude because I hired them? Doesn't make sense to me.

All I can think is that maybe it was the tone not the actual words of the contractor that set OP on edge. His words seem pretty reasonable to me.

[gardenmom5]

which one do you consider arrogant?  neither seems arrogant to me.

[gardenmom5]

28 minutes ago, EKS said:

Maybe this is how he feels.  If you're having him do "little" jobs, for example, those tend to be scheduled on the fly between "big" jobs.  That he was able to squeeze you in probably was fortuitous.  Also, perhaps he's giving you better pricing than you realize because you are friends.  I know that I give a significant "friends and family" type discount for my tutoring services, but the people I'm giving it to don't even realize they're getting it.

we had a one-day job.  the contractors were thrilled to have something to do on their "free day" (before starting their next scheduled multi-day project) - so they'd be paid for working.  I didn't consider it arrogant, or insulting.  they did a good job, and "squeezed" us in between bigger projects - and didn't have to schedule us out several weeks (or longer) for what was a single day. (which is what would have happened if they hadn't "squeezed" us in.)

Edited November 25, 2019 by gardenmom5
clairfication

[Amy in NH]

The construction company my husband works for is booked for months, and sometimes years, in advance.  They turn down a lot of work.  They take filler jobs sometimes, but they are never lacking for work even in the winter.  If this guy put you ahead of other customers who have been waiting, and did so on short notice, for a good price, then you probably owe him a "thank you for fitting us in".  It's also possible that he is giving you a price break that you aren't aware of because you are friends.  The fact that you never acknowledge that he is doing you a favor is probably grating to him.  Perhaps he will be "too busy" next time.

[Katy]

Contractors often look for little jobs right around the holidays to keep their crews busy between big jobs.  We hired someone to redo our deck down there and he was too busy to work on it much himself but was thrilled to have work for two of his guys for about a week. The guys came up with a better plan than either us or our contractor had and it turned out beautifully so we were thrilled.  But he also mentioned multiple times how happy he was to have that job,  he didn't often take small jobs except for from friends but right around Christmas it was tough.

To be honest it sounds more like a personality clash than something truly arrogant. Is he passive aggressive in other ways?  Or is passive aggressive behavior from someone else in your life making anything close bug you more than it otherwise would?  I mean I could take a guess about whose behavior is really bugging you, but I might be wrong.

[MercyA]

The first comment wouldn't bother me--the one about working you in--because contractors really do tend to be so busy.

The second comment about giving you a good price was tactless and would grate on me, too.

[Scarlett]

He is a small contractor and I don’t think he is booked up for months or years. And I absolutely don’t expect him to grovel and thank us for  work.  But I also don’t expect him to act like we are just soooo lucky to have him. The helper did not act that way at all. 

It is a personality issue I am sure. He has annoyed me a lot but he is Dhs friend do I just deal with it. 

[TechWife]

I think both comments are fine. Being appreciative for work is a great attitude, really. You could have chosen someone else to do the work. Being glad you could work a job for your friend into your schedule is also appropriate - it shows he glad to have an opportunity to demonstrate to his friend how much he cares about him. Someone who wasn't as close likely wouldn't be worked in.

[Bluegoat]

I can see that if he was always phrasing it that way, as if you were getting a favour and almost like he's putting himself out for you, it could get to be annoying.

I suppose I would then be asking myself, am I somehow really putting this person out, he's putting off better work for me without my realising it?  If so I guess the thing would be to tell him you don't want that.

If not though, I'd say either just ask someone else next time, or decide to not notice it and assume it's not intentional.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Either comment on its own could easily be taken at face value, but both comments together seem to indicate he's fishing for a bonus.  I'd probably hire him one more time, just to see if he does it again.  If it's a pattern, I'd probably cease my business dealings with him. I really don't like when my employees guilt trip me, even when (especially when) they are friends of my family members.  (I had similar circumstance with a friend of my mom, who was cleaning my house. The lady no longer works for me.)

[Scarlett]

He hasn't done that much work for us. And I think it is just his way of feeling important. He has a huge man crush on my dh.... really looks up to him in so many ways. Often calls dh for advise on jobs. 

Dh sees his faults but loves him anyway. People are human dh says. 

[hippiemamato3]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

He hasn't done that much work for us. And I think it is just his way of feeling important. He has a huge man crush on my dh.... really looks up to him in so many ways. Often calls dh for advise on jobs. 

Dh sees his faults but loves him anyway. People are human dh says. 

Humans are so annoying. (Seriously.)

[catz]

Honestly, given the difficulty we've had with contractors and sub contractors over the years, this would be a complete non-issue to me.  In getting them to return calls, create bids and getting on their calendar. And then with regards to staying on schedule once they start. 

If he did a good job at a decent price, this would not bother me at all.  I may have eye rolled at the moment if I perceived he was being snarky, but would have likely forgotten it within minutes.  

[WendyLady]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

He hasn't done that much work for us. And I think it is just his way of feeling important. He has a huge man crush on my dh.... really looks up to him in so many ways. Often calls dh for advise on jobs. 

Dh sees his faults but loves him anyway. People are human dh says. 

That's actually kind of sweet.  Maybe he's just someone who doesn't know how to respond to a normal "thank you".  (still awkward for you, though!)

Your new home seems to be coming right along!  So exciting!!  Will you move in soon?

[regentrude]

I don't see what's wrong with the comment. Sounds like he is glad he could work you in his schedule, which may be something he would not have pulled off for strangers. We currently have contractor working on our house, and it has been a long drawn out ordeal to get them to come because they are so booked. Honestly, *I* will be the one who is thankful when it is finally done.

I see his comment along the lines of someone saying "glad I could help" - even if they are a person you're paying for their services. He may be genuinely happy it worked out that he could do this for you.

Edited November 26, 2019 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

When I handed him his final check he did not even acknowledge it. He was busy talking though. Later after he was loaded up and leaving  he come and gave me a hug. Then when he was saying goodbye to dh I heard him say, ‘thanks for the work.’.   I thought hmmm maybe he  is reading the boards. 

 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, WendyAndMilo said:

Did you expect him to acknowledge the check?  I'm confused.  

Well yes. Basic manners would be ‘thank you’ when someone hands you a check. I say ty to my boss every time he hands me a check. 

[hippiemamato3]

1 hour ago, WendyAndMilo said:

Did you expect him to acknowledge the check?  I'm confused.  

I would expect a "thank you" when handing someone a check, yes. 

[alisoncooks]

But the check is not a gift. It's compensation for work he did. Should he thank you for giving him what he earned?

(Just wondering for the sake of wondering. I'd likely say "thank you" but I tend to lean more unnecessarily polite.)

Edited November 26, 2019 by alisoncooks

[Joker]

I don't expect a thank you in that situation and I think it's only happened rarely. It's awkward because I then say something like, "No, thank you" because I am definitely the one more appreciative when someone completes a home job for me.

I've never looked at it as me giving someone work but rather someone doing something for me I don't know how to do or don't have time for. I view it as them helping me and not the other way around. Maybe I'm weird.

[EKS]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Basic manners would be ‘thank you’ when someone hands you a check. I say ty to my boss every time he hands me a check. 

Interesting--when I hand someone who has done work for me a check, I am the one who is saying thank you.

[Scarlett]

26 minutes ago, EKS said:

Interesting--when I hand someone who has done work for me a check, I am the one who is saying thank you.

I say thank you n both ends.  

[Scarlett]

16 minutes ago, WendyAndMilo said:

Yeah, I never say thank you when getting paid with a check. That’s weird.

What do you say?

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Joker said:

I don't expect a thank you in that situation and I think it's only happened rarely. It's awkward because I then say something like, "No, thank you" because I am definitely the one more appreciative when someone completes a home job for me.

I've never looked at it as me giving someone work but rather someone doing something for me I don't know how to do or don't have time for. I view it as them helping me and not the other way around. Maybe I'm weird.

You don’t think you are helping them by giving them work? It is actually a reciprocal relationship. 

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, WendyAndMilo said:

Nothing, or “see you next xxx” since getting paid means a continuation of services, or we just keep talking about whatever we are talking about.

Yeah, that is weird to me.  Lol.  And obviously contractor friend thought it right to thank Dh for the work,

[Tap]

I find it interesting that one person is interpreted as being sincere with their sentence, but the other person isn't interpreted as being sincere. I take people literally. He said he was happy to be able to work you in. Why would you read between the lines, add subtext and then call him arrogant? He could be just as sincere with both comments (past and current).

[easypeasy]

 

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

When I handed him his final check he did not even acknowledge it. He was busy talking though. Later after he was loaded up and leaving  he come and gave me a hug. Then when he was saying goodbye to dh I heard him say, ‘thanks for the work.’.   I thought hmmm maybe he  is reading the boards. 

 

 

4 hours ago, WendyAndMilo said:

Did you expect him to acknowledge the check?  I'm confused.  

 

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well yes. Basic manners would be ‘thank you’ when someone hands you a check. I say ty to my boss every time he hands me a check. 

 

3 hours ago, hippiemamato3 said:

I would expect a "thank you" when handing someone a check, yes. 

 

But, OP - you handed him the check while he was talking. If you want/expect a verbal "thank you very much, ma'am, for paying me for my services," then why hand him a check when he is busy talking to someone else, or in the middle of a different topic of conversation with you? Why not wait until there is a pause in the conversation, announce that you are handing him a check, and then wait for a response?

 

[Chris in VA]

See, as an Aspie, this discussion is so interesting. I see several things. 

It is like when you go to the store and check out . They are supposed to be thankful that you chose to shop there, when you could have gone anywhere, right? So they say, "Thank you, come again!" or "Thanks for shopping with Name of Store!" They thank you for your business. You don't usually say to tbe cashier, as a customer, "Thank you for checking me out." It is their job. You might say thank you as they hand you change or help you bag or carry the groceries to the car. But you don't really go to the manager and thank him for the store's existence. 

An exception for me would be thanking a cashier for coming in on Thanksgiving, for instance, or for a manager opening after a natural disaster.

LOL--these  are the subtleties of social interactions I have to pick apart. 

Now there is a bit of arrogance in my mind as I look at the problem from the customer point of view--the idea of privilege, that service people exist to serve me, and "without my business, you would starve." So the customer thinks that person better be grateful. I grew up in a family that did not earn money by serving this way, exactly.  Merchants and contractors, waiters and stewardesses and cashiers were all kept in business by us, the customer. I didn't think of how WE were kept alive by their service! The only gratefulness I saw was a condescending thing of polite gratitude, not a true thankfulness or feeling of equality. You thanked "the little people"--even the "little woman" (wife) who helped you in your career. 

Man have I had to learn, and unlearn, a lot. 

 

 

Edited November 26, 2019 by Chris in VA

[EKS]

9 hours ago, WendyAndMilo said:

Yeah, I never say thank you when getting paid with a check. That’s weird.

I say thank you then too (not only because someone is handing me something and it's the done thing, but also because it means that I won't have to send them a reminder!) unless the person is thanking me and then I say "you're welcome."

Edited November 26, 2019 by EKS

[EKS]

On 11/25/2019 at 6:21 AM, Scarlett said:

It is a reciprocal arrangement right? He isn’t doing us a favor. 

Whenever I get a contractor to call me back, much less actually come to my house and do some work, I am eternally grateful.  So there's that.

But seriously--how do you know he's not doing you a favor?  If he squeezed you in and/or is giving you a price break, then he most certainly is.  

Edited November 26, 2019 by EKS

[Scarlett]

12 minutes ago, EKS said:

Whenever I actually get a contractor to call me back, much less actually come to my house and do some work, I am eternally grateful.  So there's that.

But seriously--how do you know he's not doing you a favor?  If he squeezed you in and/or is giving you a price break, then he most certainly is.  

The price is normal.  And maybe he did rearrange his schedule a bit but he still had jobs going on and juggling like he always does.  The first week he worked ( for us) 13 hours, second week 23 hours and yesterday he finished up with 8 hours.  If he had not found a way to work us in we would have had to get someone else.  That is the way it works and why co tractors juggle work....so they can keep as much as possible.  I am always appreciative of good work done.  I am also appreciative of my boss giving me a job.  In fact, when he says thank you for all you do for me I always reply, you are welcome and thank you for giving me a job.

Maybe I am weird. Shrug.  I mean, probably.  Lol.

At any rate, the painting is all done and Dh still has his friend.  🙂

[Lady Florida.]

As someone who currently has a contractor working on the house so we can put it on the market, I'm the thankful one. It's very hard to get contractors for small jobs like ours. We had one who never returned two phone calls even though he was recommended by our realtor. We then remembered that our former neighbor (who isn't a friend but with whom we were friendly when he lived here), is a handyman contractor. He is quite busy but worked us in because he knows us, so possibly a similar situation to the OP. 

Right now he's on a break while his family goes out of town for Thanksgiving but he got as much done last week as possible. He'll finish next week and when he does we'll be the ones thanking him. We are extremely happy he was able to work us in on such short notice. And if he says something like "Glad I could get it done for you" we'll actually appreciate that comment too. Because he's a nice guy and he probably is glad he was able to work us in. He wouldn't be saying it out of arrogance (if he even says it, I'm just imagining the conversation when he's finished).

[Scarlett]

By way of contrast we have a plumber friend who did probably a full days work for us....put  a new box in to hold the washer dryer connections, repaired a busted spigot in our bedroom closet wall, lit the hot water heater, and the heat and air unit. All of that two weeks ago....I have yet been able to get an invoice from him.  His wife, my close friend told me he was only going to charge us for the materials b cause of how much Dh has don for them.  We don’t expect that or even want that.   But it is a fact Dh has done a lot for them.  Not however as much as Dh has done for contractor friend.  I mention that only to try to give a clear picture of the dynamics.