"Like a Princess"

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, Hannah said:

My daughter is at university and they have dances which I think are unique to a predominantly Afrikaans community in South Africa.  These are called "sokkie", which translates to 'socks', and its a very simple kind of shuffling, two-step ballroom dance.   The students go to the dances as couples, but also in groups.  It is more common for the men to ask the women to dance and often one gets asked by a stranger.  

As many teenagers do, my daughter has had some insecurities about her appearance, wondering whether she'd be invited to dance. It has been an eye-opener for her to realize that  a cheerful demeanor and friendly confidence was way more important than the effort she's put into her appearance.   On Friday night she went at the last minute with a group of friends, wearing her most comfortable hoody, with her hair in a ponytail, but she was in a fun, happy mood.  She danced all night!

I love this . 

[Katy]

Are you sure you're not confusing "beauty" with "trendy?"  Or "photogenic" for "beautiful?"

Beautiful is symmetry and health. Clear skin and straight teeth and strong but feminine bone structure.  Trendy is whatever the trendy ideal that was being pushed in that era is.  For example, I was a teen in the 90's when waif-like heroin chic was on every magazine.  Now fuller heart shaped faces and big rear ends are the trend.  I'm sure I would feel both more and less beautiful if I were a teen today.  My face tends towards heart shaped and my rear end has always been relatively large.  But those trends don't figure into whether someone is beautiful or not.  If you have pleasant symmetrical features you are beautiful, whether the ethnic trend of the moment is what you are or not.

Similarly, people who photograph well are rarely so pretty in real life.  In real life soft features are the most pretty.  In photographs people with sharp features look better.  But how someone looks flattened to two dimensions may have little to nothing to do with how they look in real life.  Have you ever met any models?  They often look like overgrown horses without hips who have to pose in very odd ways to look gorgeous in comparison to regular women, but they look AMAZING in photographs. Compare the paparazzi pictures of someone like Giselle with pictures of her in a catalog. Without the pose of the turned waist to make her glutes look like a hip and without the photoshop to smooth over every flaw, not even she looks like what we think she looks like.

The fact is, if your children are that beautiful you probably are too.  Even if you had some sort of dysmorphia and never felt it.

[Carrie12345]

8 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

 

Again, I think people are getting hung up on the larger concept of "princess" and looking like a princess, rather than what I think the women I'm referring to mean when they say they feel like princesses. 

I have no desire to be a princess, and I would laugh out of the room anyone who tried to tell me I looked like one. 

But I kind of wish that, at some point in my life, just for a moment, I might have felt that special.

Yeah, I don’t recall ever having a “princess moment”. Maybe I did when I was a flower girl once, but I don’t actually remember it.  For my own wedding, I actually resented that there were people there, looking at me, lol. So I was feeling anxious and just trying to get it over with, not princessy at all!  When I was younger, in my very, very limted clubbing/bar days, there were times that I felt like I looked really good, but I wasn’t exactly going for princess!

My dds (a year apart) had all the pretty princess stuff as little girls. While we’ve always been intent on emphasizing other things, I was fine with having that stuff go along with it. Today, neither of them seems to aim full-princess for any occasion, but I think one of them does get a bit more “I feel pretty and special and happy” than the other. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just not really my bag.

[maize]

4 minutes ago, Katy said:

Are you sure you're not confusing "beauty" with "trendy?"  Or "photogenic" for "beautiful?"

Beautiful is symmetry and health. Clear skin and straight teeth and strong but feminine bone structure.  Trendy is whatever the trendy ideal that was being pushed in that era is.  For example, I was a teen in the 90's when waif-like heroin chic was on every magazine.  Now fuller heart shaped faces and big rear ends are the trend.  I'm sure I would feel both more and less beautiful if I were a teen today.  My face tends towards heart shaped and my rear end has always been relatively large.  But those trends don't figure into whether someone is beautiful or not.  If you have pleasant symmetrical features you are beautiful, whether the ethnic trend of the moment is what you are or not.

Similarly, people who photograph well are rarely so pretty in real life.  In real life soft features are the most pretty.  In photographs people with sharp features look better.  But how someone looks flattened to two dimensions may have little to nothing to do with how they look in real life.  Have you ever met any models?  They often look like overgrown horses without hips who have to pose in very odd ways to look gorgeous in comparison to regular women, but they look AMAZING in photographs. Compare the paparazzi pictures of someone like Giselle with pictures of her in a catalog. Without the pose of the turned waist to make her glutes look like a hip and without the photoshop to smooth over every flaw, not even she looks like what we think she looks like.

The fact is, if your children are that beautiful you probably are too.  Even if you had some sort of dysmorphia and never felt it.

Hey there, not all of us have symmetrical features!

I have a crooked nose and crooked teeth.

It's never occured to me to think of myself as unattractive...

[catz]

I was also going to say, reality TV shows pick the people that both will be reasonably aesthetically pleasing on screen PLUS hopefully the most overly the top demonstrative and dramatic on screen.  That doesn't necessarily reflect their reality behind the scenes or after the wedding or the sincerity of people going on and on.  These are staged and edited moments.  

I think a lot of people don't feel particularly beautiful or stunning day to day.  Including people that are.  I think carrying yourself with confidence and being friendly goes a lot further in life than meeting some superficial threshold of beauty and relying on others to confirm it and lay it on thick regularly for you.   True confidence and ease with self can't come from others.  That comes from within.  Assuming standards of hygiene are met anyway.  

Our wedding was pretty non-traditional.  I didn't have a head table.  Most of our photography are candids.  I just wanted a celebration.  Not a parade of ME.  Buying a wedding dress was pretty anti-climatic here too.   I have zero regrets.

Edited July 29, 2019 by FuzzyCatz

[MercyA]

I tell my daughter she is beautiful many times a day and my mom did the same for me. I've been wondering lately if this has been a mistake on my part. I'm glad to hear from @Scarlett and @Ktgrok that this is also their normal. 🙂 

I also very often tell my friends they are beautiful (they are!) and my husband he is hot and my dog that she is the most gorgeous dog ever. IDK. I don't see it as much different than complimenting people on their natural artistic talent or their innate athletic prowess or their brilliant mind.

Many people are beautiful to me and none of them are perfect in any way. 

[ktgrok]

9 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

 

But, when it comes to how I look, yeah, I have no illusions. 

 

9 hours ago, wintermom said:

So you think that every single person who took the time to mention you were pretty or good looking was lying, or they simply had bad taste? Is it possible that you look at yourself everyday in the mirror and get used to what you see. You notice the little imperfections that other's don't focus on. You may even blow up those little imperfections so much that you believe others only notice them. 

 

I've met you. I remember thinking you were really cute! I'm wondering, could there be some dysmorphia going on here, that you see yourself less attractive than others do?

1 hour ago, Katy said:

Are you sure you're not confusing "beauty" with "trendy?"  Or "photogenic" for "beautiful?"

 

The fact is, if your children are that beautiful you probably are too.  Even if you had some sort of dysmorphia and never felt it.

i'm horribly unphotogenic, but when I look in the mirror I often look pretty good. I wouldn't go by photos! Also, as she said, your kids got those looks from somewhere!

[ktgrok]

Oh, and your age and some gained weight are NOT a barrier to being pretty!!!! There are a large number of women that actually seem more attractive as they age, just in a different way. I do think it is partly that power that older women have....I'm not sure. But personally, I think my looks are improving in my 40's. I may be gorgeous by my 50's 🙂

Seriously though, look at some of the amazing women in the world who are older - age is not a barrier. 

[wintermom]

9 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

 

Well, I have seen pictures of me doing those things. They are usually worse than the pictures I carry in my own head.

I don't think people think of it as "lying." I think it's a combination of people trying to be kind and/or displaying what they believe are good manners and, certainly when I was younger, mocking me.

Non-professional photos of you doing things are bound to look horrible. Those photos have very little to do with how beautiful or attractive you are in real life. 

It sounds like you have some thought processes that are very similar to individuals with anxiety and phobias. CBT might be really helpful to you, if you find that this topic area is having a negative effect on your daily functioning.  

[wintermom]

1 hour ago, FuzzyCatz said:

I was also going to say, reality TV shows pick the people that both will be reasonably aesthetically pleasing on screen PLUS hopefully the most overly the top demonstrative and dramatic on screen.  That doesn't necessarily reflect their reality behind the scenes or after the wedding or the sincerity of people going on and on.  These are staged and edited moments.  

Oh my, YES!  To the OP, you have dc in theatre, and presumably you've been around the production process of a theatrical performance. EVERYTHING in theatre is faked to look interesting and please the audience. The set, the lighting, the make-up, the hair, the costumes, the dialogue....  NOTHING is real. Keep reminding yourself that when you don't feel like you measure up to someone on TV. Yes, even those photos of your dc are chosen from probably 100+ shots and the very best one is used as the still for the production. 

[Teaching3bears]

I think that watching those shows can have the same effect as reading beauty magazines. But I get your desire for mindless escape. You might need to switch to a different mindless escape.

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, MercyA said:

I tell my daughter she is beautiful many times a day and my mom did the same for me. I've been wondering lately if this has been a mistake on my part. I'm glad to hear from @Scarlett and @Ktgrok that this is also their normal. 🙂 

I also very often tell my friends they are beautiful (they are!) and my husband he is hot and my dog that she is the most gorgeous dog ever. IDK. I don't see it as much different than complimenting people on their natural artistic talent or their innate athletic prowess or their brilliant mind.

Many people are beautiful to me and none of them are perfect in any way. 

This goes a long with what my mom always told me ‘you ( collective You) don’t have any ugly friends’.

Because people we love are beautiful to us. 

[Guest]

In my wedding dress I felt very glamorous and elegant. I don’t think I used the term “princess” but I did feel that was about as beautiful as I could be. 

IDK - “princess” has never been a favorite adjective of mine, either when I’m complimenting someone else or when applied to me (not that anyone has called me that recently, lol.) I think of it more as pampered or maybe a little high-maintenance, so I don’t usually use that as a compliment. 

 

[Laura Corin]

3 hours ago, maize said:

Hey there, not all of us have symmetrical features!

I have a crooked nose and crooked teeth.

It's never occured to me to think of myself as unattractive...

Agreed. Crooked is interesting. 

[MercyA]

@Scarlett, you are definitely not too old to be gorgeous! I just saw a clip yesterday of Jason Mamoa (39) walking with his wife Lisa Bonet (51). Someone called out, "Jason, your wife is beautiful!" He replied, "I know!! I #&%$ know!" 😄And she is.

[MercyA]

I don't think I've ever felt nor have had the desire to feel "like a princess." I just want to feel sexy and attractive. Princesses to me are not very sexy. 😉 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, MercyA said:

I tell my daughter she is beautiful many times a day and my mom did the same for me. I've been wondering lately if this has been a mistake on my part. I'm glad to hear from @Scarlett and @Ktgrok that this is also their normal. 🙂 

I also very often tell my friends they are beautiful (they are!) and my husband he is hot and my dog that she is the most gorgeous dog ever. IDK. I don't see it as much different than complimenting people on their natural artistic talent or their innate athletic prowess or their brilliant mind.

Many people are beautiful to me and none of them are perfect in any way. 

My mother loved to tell me and my sisters we are/were beautiful or gorgeous, but I don’t think it was a net positive. It was done in too much of a pressured, appearance-conscious way and I came to dislike it as an adult. Even now, my mom will say to others in my presence how her daughter is “the most gorgeous one in the building” and such; I hate it. It makes me feel like I can’t let her down by just turning up in my Go Seahawks sweatshirt and a pair of yoga pants. I think my mom wanted to highlight her daughters’ beauty as a reflection of herself and her husband. (And my mom was a very gorgeous lady in her youth, and my dad was very handsome.) 

It does sound like this is not in the same vein as what you’re doing, but just a little cautionary tale. 

I do think it’s different from complimenting on something worthwhile someone accomplishes because it’s just “congratulations your genetics worked out to a pleasing arrangement” for the most part. 

[Carol in Cal.]

34 minutes ago, Quill said:

In my wedding dress I felt very glamorous and elegant. I don’t think I used the term “princess” but I did feel that was about as beautiful as I could be. 

IDK - “princess” has never been a favorite adjective of mine, either when I’m complimenting someone else or when applied to me (not that anyone has called me that recently, lol.) I think of it more as pampered or maybe a little high-maintenance, so I don’t usually use that as a compliment. 

 

There is a great song by Aretha Franklin and her Goddaughter Whitney Houston that never got a lot of traction, but in which they are each asserting their claim on some guy.  At the end of it, Aretha laughs, “Well, I’d rather be queen, myself”; and that pretty much sums up my view of the term princess.  Just saying.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The princess thing is not to be taken too literally, in my opinion.  I like to embrace my inner warrior princess. 

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

My mother loved to tell me and my sisters we are/were beautiful or gorgeous, but I don’t think it was a net positive. It was done in too much of a pressured, appearance-conscious way and I came to dislike it as an adult. Even now, my mom will say to others in my presence how her daughter is “the most gorgeous one in the building” and such; I hate it. It makes me feel like I can’t let her down by just turning up in my Go Seahawks sweatshirt and a pair of yoga pants. I think my mom wanted to highlight her daughters’ beauty as a reflection of herself and her husband. (And my mom was a very gorgeous lady in her youth, and my dad was very handsome.) 

It does sound like this is not in the same vein as what you’re doing, but just a little cautionary tale. 

I do think it’s different from complimenting on something worthwhile someone accomplishes because it’s just “congratulations your genetics worked out to a pleasing arrangement” for the most part. 

Oh, yeah..totally different. For instance, my Dad still refers to my mom as Beautiful on a daily basis, doesn't matter if she is half asleep with stains on her shirt and her hair all crazy, or dressed up, or anywhere in between. He still tells her she is beautiful. We grew up with that example. Same with my immediate family. 

Also, I'm a big believer that we are human beings, not human doings, and that it is good and right to celebrate our innate worth aside from whatever we accomplish. Sort of celebrating that we are "made in the image of God" so no matter what else, just by virtue of that, we are beautiful, wonderful creatures. Even when we burn dinner, forget to pay the water bill, lose our temper, whatever. So I don't just compliment things they DO, because I think that can backfire when you can't do those things anymore....if your self worth is tied up in DOING then illness, injury, unemployment, whatever can really impact that. There needs to also (not instead of) be worth and dignity and celebration of the person as they are, without skills/attitudes/etc. Hopefully that makes sense? At least, that's how I justify telling my kids how awesome they are 20 times a day. (I also tell them where they mess up, so it's not all roses)

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, maize said:

Hey there, not all of us have symmetrical features!

I have a crooked nose and crooked teeth.

It's never occured to me to think of myself as unattractive...

Symmetry is one measure of beauty but certainly not the only one.  People have been trying to define beauty for as long as there have been people.  Different people like different looks.  My xh was and probably still is obsessed with physical appearance......he was an interesting case study to me.  He never held back from telling me who he thought was beautiful ( he was classy like that 🙄) and over my 30 years with him patterns of his preferences began to become evident.  It was quite fascinating.  In his case also very shallow because appearance is all he looked at in a person.  

[DesertBlossom]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

In my wedding dress I felt very glamorous and elegant. I don’t think I used the term “princess” but I did feel that was about as beautiful as I could be. 

This is what I was thinking. It felt fancy. Being in a wedding dress with acrylic nails and styled hair and makeup felt fancy. Because I never looked like that or wore clothes like that. It made me feel different, walk different, sit different, etc. I am certainly more comfortable in stretchy pants and a tshirt. But dressing up sometimes can be fun.

[DesertBlossom]

Just for laughs I saw a meme that said something like "my biggest fear is that the Target self checkout camera is what I actually look like."

[happi duck]

56 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Oh, yeah..totally different. For instance, my Dad still refers to my mom as Beautiful on a daily basis, doesn't matter if she is half asleep with stains on her shirt and her hair all crazy, or dressed up, or anywhere in between. He still tells her she is beautiful. We grew up with that example. Same with my immediate family. 

Also, I'm a big believer that we are human beings, not human doings, and that it is good and right to celebrate our innate worth aside from whatever we accomplish. Sort of celebrating that we are "made in the image of God" so no matter what else, just by virtue of that, we are beautiful, wonderful creatures. Even when we burn dinner, forget to pay the water bill, lose our temper, whatever. So I don't just compliment things they DO, because I think that can backfire when you can't do those things anymore....if your self worth is tied up in DOING then illness, injury, unemployment, whatever can really impact that. There needs to also (not instead of) be worth and dignity and celebration of the person as they are, without skills/attitudes/etc. Hopefully that makes sense? At least, that's how I justify telling my kids how awesome they are 20 times a day. (I also tell them where they mess up, so it's not all roses)

Thank you for expressing this so well!

I get complimented on what I do.  People mean well but it has really made me feel like I don't matter if I don't produce.  I would like to feel valuable based on my existence.

[Laura Corin]

2 hours ago, Ktgrok said:

Oh, yeah..totally different. For instance, my Dad still refers to my mom as Beautiful on a daily basis, doesn't matter if she is half asleep with stains on her shirt and her hair all crazy, or dressed up, or anywhere in between. He still tells her she is beautiful. We grew up with that example. Same with my immediate family. 

Also, I'm a big believer that we are human beings, not human doings, and that it is good and right to celebrate our innate worth aside from whatever we accomplish. Sort of celebrating that we are "made in the image of God" so no matter what else, just by virtue of that, we are beautiful, wonderful creatures. Even when we burn dinner, forget to pay the water bill, lose our temper, whatever. So I don't just compliment things they DO, because I think that can backfire when you can't do those things anymore....if your self worth is tied up in DOING then illness, injury, unemployment, whatever can really impact that. There needs to also (not instead of) be worth and dignity and celebration of the person as they are, without skills/attitudes/etc. Hopefully that makes sense? At least, that's how I justify telling my kids how awesome they are 20 times a day. (I also tell them where they mess up, so it's not all roses)

That's interesting. I certainly say things to those I love that show my appreciation of who they are rather than what they do. It tends not to be words connected with looks, though. I'll say, 'You're such a great guy' or 'I'm such a lucky mum/woman.' The word 'beautiful' doesn't have the right tone, for me, being connected to looks rather than more intrinsic worth.

 

ETA I'm thinking about what I wrote earlier. I think when my boys were small I praised actions more. Now that they are adults, it's more about who they are. I hadn't thought about that before.

Edited July 29, 2019 by Laura Corin

[Storygirl]

I felt pretty on my wedding day, but I don't remember it crossing my mind that I felt like a princess. That particular phrase doesn't resonate with me, and my family and friends have never used it. Add me to the list of people whose parents didn't offer compliments on looks. I don't regularly compliment my kids' appearance, either.

But DD17 often is told that she is so pretty by strangers. She works at a fast food restaurant, and recently a little girl asked her if she is a princess. DD laughed and said, "No, are you?" and the little girl said, "Yes," and giggled.

DD does look like a Disney princess. So much so that I think she could audition to be one and perhaps get that job (she also dances). I worry sometimes about how this emphasis on her looks by others may be affecting her sense of self. I don't have answers about that, but I do have some concerns.

I also think it's interesting that DD17 and her friends call each other "Beautiful" and "Gorgeous" -- not as compliments, but as pet names: "Hi, Beautiful!" Because it's not something we do in our family, it seems odd to me. I don't know if it is a generational thing, or just common in her circle of friends. As far as I know, they don't use the pet name "Princess," though.

[katilac]

14 hours ago, maize said:

It's never occured to me to think of myself as unattractive...

Until now . . . 😂

[Rosie_0801]

14 hours ago, MercyA said:

I tell my daughter she is beautiful many times a day

 

I sing it at mine.
Which I would have hated as a child. 😄
But she's her, not me.

If my nearest and dearest object to my flattery, I shrug and say "what do you keep me around for, if not my bias?" lol

[MercyA]

23 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I sing it at mine.
Which I would have hated as a child. 😄
But she's her, not me.

If my nearest and dearest object to my flattery, I shrug and say "what do you keep me around for, if not my bias?" lol

I love it!

[shawthorne44]

On 7/28/2019 at 8:34 PM, Annie G said:

...As a kid I watched shows like Father Knows Best (reruns) and was always envious that Betty was called Princess by her dad. I don’t think it had anything to do with the ‘princess’ moniker though. I think I was envious that her dad clearly loved her.  My dad loved me but he has NEVER told me that. He’s not a hugger at all, either.  But maybe it’s because we were raised pretty much hands off.  Parenting in the 60’s and 70’s was quite different, at least among our crowd.  But yeah, I would have loved to have my dad outright show some affection.  ...

This is one of those things that 'They' say, but it makes sense to me.  That girls who weren't clearly loved by their daddy and weren't told that they were pretty by their dad are more likely to 'actively seek' *ahem* affirmation from boys when they are teens.  

[wintermom]

All this talk of pretty and beautiful makes me think of this song; "She ain't pretty she just looks that way," by Northern Pikes. I love the video! Classic 80s pop rock Canadian style. 😉

 

[Scarlett]

That video is hilarious 

[Ausmumof3]

I think when people are saying they feel beautiful they mostly mean it in a relative sense.  In the same way someone with a chronic or serious illness might say they are feeling well or good.  They don’t meant well on the level of healthy people well but just well for them.  Also I guess in the way I feel pretty happy having a day out to the library and a nice local park but some people would have to go to a more dramatic destination to get that sense. 

I’d say I have the opposite experience to you.  My eyes are too small, teeth were crooked till I have braces etc etc and yet most of the time I feel pretty.  Not drop dead gorgeous but pretty enough for public.  As I’ve got older less so but I’m not that bothered.  Also I don’t tend to feel overweight till my clothes stop fitting.

when I was younger, I think if I’d had the option of being anything I would have chosen beautiful but not now.  I dislike attention a lot and would hate to have the kind of attention that more than usual beauty seems to attract.

I also think once you know people it kind of evens out.  With people that initially seemed unattractive you start noticing a pretty smile or something and the people who were totally gorgeous maybe you realise have flaws.  Maybe it’s a kind of Mr Darcy effect.  And one other thing is I think how comfy people are with other people and attention counts.  It’s like some people somehow turn down the radiance for strangers and other turn it up.

and lastly I think intelligence tends to make people seem more attractive. 

[Garga]

On 7/29/2019 at 10:13 AM, Teaching3bears said:

I think that watching those shows can have the same effect as reading beauty magazines. But I get your desire for mindless escape. You might need to switch to a different mindless escape.

 

This happened for me with home improvement shows.  I used to love my house and then watched too many “let’s make this house grey and boring to appeal to buyers” and now I’m unhappy with my bright and colorful home with the mismatched furniture.  I had to stop watching the shows so that I can try to fall in love with my own house again.  

 

Someone wrote above that sometimes we look back and realize that we had something all along that we never knew we had, in regards to youth and beauty.  And then we’re sad that we didn’t know what we had when we had it, and now the moment has passed and we missed out on enjoying it.

I just saw some sort of ad the other day that said something along the lines of, “You’ve never been this old before, and you’ll never be this young again.”  It was reminding us to celebrate who we are Right Now because this moment in time is just as fleeting as all the moments have come before us and that are yet to come.

OP, I think I understand what you’re saying, but I also think you ought to consider grabbing onto the moment that you have right now and living it to the fullest.  When you’re 10 years older, you don’t want to look back and think, “Why did I waste my 50s not being happy with who I was?  Now I’m in my 60s and that time is gone.”  And when you’re in your 70s, you don’t want to be thinking the same thing about your 60s.  

Think about what you really want for yourself right now and pour your energies into making that happen so there are no regrets a decade from now.  It’s ok to somewhat mourn the past and realize that maybe you wish things had been different, but do your best to learn from this lesson and use it going forward.  Don’t keep having to re-learn it every decade.

Edited July 30, 2019 by Garga

[wintermom]

54 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I also think once you know people it kind of evens out.  With people that initially seemed unattractive you start noticing a pretty smile or something and the people who were totally gorgeous maybe you realise have flaws.  Maybe it’s a kind of Mr Darcy effect.  And one other thing is I think how comfy people are with other people and attention counts.  It’s like some people somehow turn down the radiance for strangers and other turn it up.

and lastly I think intelligence tends to make people seem more attractive. 

I agree! People who seem drop-dead gorgeous seem to become more "normal" or even unattractive because of their personality, and those who don't seem "pretty" upon first glance often have very attractive qualities that take time to see.

[Jean in Newcastle]

19 minutes ago, wintermom said:

I agree! People who seem drop-dead gorgeous seem to become more "normal" or even unattractive because of their personality, and those who don't seem "pretty" upon first glance often have very attractive qualities that take time to see.

I have known some very ugly "beautiful" people.  As in beauty really was skin deep for them and once you got to know them, yikes!  And I have known some very beautiful "ugly" people - again because their loving personality covered up any flaws.  And of course most people I know are somewhere in between and beautiful people can have beautiful personalities and ugly people can have ugly personalities because no one has a lock on what I consider true beauty. 

I am pretty comfortable in my skin.  I have days when I nit-pick the flaws but unless I were to have plastic surgery and liposuction, I'm mostly stuck with them (though I am losing weight slowly).  My plainness never seemed to scare off the men and boys (back when I was available) and even now first impressions don't seem to impact my making meaningful friendships and friendly acquaintances. 

As someone said upthread (too lazy to scroll up to see who), I am happy being "presentable" when I go out in public and even in my home for the most part.  The "I feel pretty" part for me comes when I wear a favorite piece of clothing that I know especially flatters my skin tones and body shape.  I haven't had the money or the skill to make all my wardrobe fit that criteria so when I do, it's like winning a jackpot! 

[SKL]

In response to the "cautionary tales," I feel it would be wrong for me not to tell my daughters when they strike me as pretty (assuming we are alone and all that).  Why?  Because I know what it's like to feel 100% ugly 100% of the time, even though that was objectively untrue.  My kids have various insecurities like all humans.  A little lift here and there - when honest - is helpful. 

Another thing is that especially for kids who feel a need to alter their looks in order to look "good enough," it is helpful for them to know that true beauty radiates when they look happy etc., regardless of the artificial stuff.

Of course all kids are different.  If mine were full of themselves and their God-given beauty, I'd probably act differently.  I'd still acknowledge their beauty, but maybe in different ways.

[Annie G]

4 hours ago, shawthorne44 said:

This is one of those things that 'They' say, but it makes sense to me.  That girls who weren't clearly loved by their daddy and weren't told that they were pretty by their dad are more likely to 'actively seek' *ahem* affirmation from boys when they are teens.  

I’ve seen that with some girls but it wasn’t true for me, or for any of my friends growing up. I actually didn’t see it firsthand until the 80’s when a friend got divorced and her daughters became very affectionate towards every man they met- it was startling.