House Rules and Adult Children

[Reefgazer]

So, my DD is a social butterfly and out every night with her friends.  She has no curfew imposed by us, and as long as she stays rested and keeps up with schoolwork and so on, she can stay out without curfew as long as she keeps it reasonable.  I have never allowed sleepovers, though, so I expect her home at night by some not-insane hour.  But the city where we lives sets a midnight curfew on drivers under 18, so she is in by midnight because she takes the car when she goes out.  She has already been joking-not joking about how when she turns 18 she's going to stay out all night and have as many sleepovers as she wants.  I don't know how I feel about that.

 

Do you have house rules/curfew for your 18 year or older children?  Regardless of your answer, what is your reasoning for your standards/rules? 

[hippiemamato3]

I think that making rules against sleepovers for a legal adult is going to backfire. 

[gardenmom5]

children living at home are being subsidized by me. I never set a curfew, and  they never stayed out all night.  there were no sleep overs.  I've had college age and older still live at home.  I have just requested they let me know approx. when they'll be home.  I had one out very late that had me freaking... she was actually at work, working, at 2 AM!!!  hours later than she'd normally be home.

it started when they were younger with their "when I'm a grown up I'll ____" - and my rejoineder of "when you pay all of your own bills (incl. rent) - you can do whatever you want.  while you live at my house - these are the rules."

set a time for her to be in now - while she's still under 18.  I've heard of some parents who set an alarm clock for curfew, then they'll go to sleep and child is expected to be home in time to turn OFF the alarm clock."  I tended to stay up for when mine came home - as that was when they'd be most talkative.

[scholastica]

You certainly can set rules. Who is paying the mortgage, utilities, etc.? Adults get to set rules for themselves when they support themselves. Not to say she shouldn’t have input and you can’t compromise, but you are the ultimate arbiter. In rooming houses, the landlady or landlord set the rules. Not that that is your relationship, but it’s still a good reference point. Those rooming had to abide by the rules because they didn’t own the space.

[MaBelle]

Phftt.  Your house, your rules.  If she doesn't like it, get out.

We had these rules with our five, no problem.  My sister keeps trying to work with her 19 yr old dd and it's a nightmare.  Kid knows mom isn't going to enforce anything.

 

 

. 

[Storygirl]

DD17 does not have a set curfew; instead, we talk about when she will be home whenever she goes out, and the answer depends upon each situation. She also cannot be driving past midnight, according to state law.

When she turns 18, she will still be expected to follow any family rules that we have, because she is still part of the family and under our parental authority. Also, the car she drives belongs to us and is not hers; other than going to work and school, she has to ask to use it. We established this rule in order to prevent her from taking for granted something that is a privilege, not a right.

As long as she is living in our house and under our financial support, she is expected to respect our boundaries. Turning 18 does not magically change that. I know that others disagree with this position.

If she has not been required by you to follow house rules, other than those required by state law, I think it's hard for you to now say that you are going to set new rules once she is 18. If you believe that she is fully an adult at age 18, you will need to work it out with her, as one adult to another.

[Reefgazer]

23 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

children living at home are being subsidized by me. I never set a curfew, and  they never stayed out all night.  there were no sleep overs.  I've had college age and older still live at home.  I have just requested they let me know approx. when they'll be home.  I had one out very late that had me freaking... she was actually at work, working, at 2 AM!!!  hours later than she'd normally be home.

it started when they were younger with their "when I'm a grown up I'll ____" - and my rejoineder of "when you pay all of your own bills (incl. rent) - you can do whatever you want.  while you live at my house - these are the rules."

set a time for her to be in now - while she's still under 18.  I've heard of some parents who set an alarm clock for curfew, then they'll go to sleep and child is expected to be home in time to turn OFF the alarm clock."  I tended to stay up for when mine came home - as that was when they'd be most talkative.

Yes, that's when DD and I talk into the wee hours of the morning.  She's a great kid with no discipline or behavioral issues, but I was just wondering how others handled their adult children and household expectations for them.  I don't really like the idea of a curfew, but what makes you say set a curfew now even though she has never had one?

[Reefgazer]

10 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

DD17 does not have a set curfew; instead, we talk about when she will be home whenever she goes out, and the answer depends upon each situation. She also cannot be driving past midnight, according to state law.

When she turns 18, she will still be expected to follow any family rules that we have, because she is still part of the family and under our parental authority. Also, the car she drives belongs to us and is not hers; other than going to work and school, she has to ask to use it. We established this rule in order to prevent her from taking for granted something that is a privilege, not a right.

As long as she is living in our house and under our financial support, she is expected to respect our boundaries. Turning 18 does not magically change that. I know that others disagree with this position.

If she has not been required by you to follow house rules, other than those required by state law, I think it's hard for you to now say that you are going to set new rules once she is 18. If you believe that she is fully an adult at age 18, you will need to work it out with her, as one adult to another.

Well, I have been able to be generous with the time-home rule because she is a responsible kid in general.  But I am uncomfortable with her staying out all night and I would not like this to become a routine just because she turns 18.  I am not sure how to negotiate that or the reasoning for that potential rule here, but I was wondering how others handles their young adult kids.                         

[Pen]

I have a 17yo not yet driving himself, but who likes to do things with friends.  I do allow sleep overs. 

We started sleep overs on the late side for this area. Many or most kids were already having them in elementary school age.  We started in middle school stage.   (And I “pushed” it to happen because I didn’t want Ds to have never spent a night away from home prior to needing to do so for sports.  ) 

 

I like to know where dc will be, with whom, and basically doing what.  And when return home is expected. And I give similar info to dc as to my own itineraries and expected return when I am not home.  As a house rule courtesy as well as safety matter. 

I have been gradually loosening this up over the years.

 

They don’t get much sleep on sleep overs, but I have decided the social learning aspects of real life friendships outweighs the lack of sleep.  And I think that being somewhere with peers by midnight or earlier is safer than being on the road in wee morning hours. 

Co Ed sleep overs have been done, but so far only as camping with, apparently, separation of girls and boys in separate different tents.  

 

Edited July 6, 2019 by Pen

[regentrude]

We never had curfews. We expected respectful behavior; anybody coming home late should be quiet and not wake the sleepers. Texts if something unexpected happened. Staying out later than the driving curfew (1am) meant staying over at friends until legal to drive again. Text expected in that case.

We allowed sleepovers.

We simply didn't see any compelling reason to impose lots of rules.

Edited July 6, 2019 by regentrude

[Guest]

Interesting you ask. I recently posted on my FB an idea I struck upon of hanging a white board with their names, columns for “in” or “out” and a magnet for them to move to indicate where they are. They also write things on the board, like if they are working late or spending the night elsewhere. (They also tell me; the board is just the go-to so I can look to see if they have arrived home, or so everyone knows where everyone else is.) The board has been great for me, but posting it on FB did spark some commentary from people who are...less flexible? About upper teens/young adults getting home or remaining elsewhere for the night. 

My only “rule,” such that it is, is I need to know what’s going on before I go to bed. Who is coming home and when, or if they are sleeping elsewhere so I won’t panic when I find they never arrived home. Romantic partners do not sleep over in their bedrooms at my house (nevermind what they may do while at college.) My reason for this is a) decorum and b) example for my minor child. 

I have not had a true curfew for my upper aged kids in several years, because their work schedules made it moot. My daughter does night nanny work and my son has worked two different jobs where he does set up and take down for events, which often go until or beyond midnight. I also feel it would be infantalizing for young adults who have been living away at college (in one case, dd lived in another country for four months), and then they come home and are subjected to a curfew? No; that didn’t make sense to me. If they have been managing themselves while living away, they are assumed to be able to manage themselves at home, unless they were to prove otherwise, which hasn’t happened so far. 

I also do not want my young adults to drive when it is unwise to do so, trying to get home for curfew. I would rather they sleep away if they may not be able to drive safely and alertly. 

[regentrude]

41 minutes ago, Reefgazer said:

But I am uncomfortable with her staying out all night and I would not like this to become a routine just because she turns 18.  I am not sure how to negotiate that or the reasoning for that potential rule here, but I was wondering how others handles their young adult kids.                         

LOL. My DD moved away to college at 17. I had no idea what she did with her nights as an 18 year old. (Well, mostly study). But really, I don't see why an adult should not be allowed to decide how to spend their time when it doesn't harm anybody.

 

[Pen]

1 hour ago, Reefgazer said:

Well, I have been able to be generous with the time-home rule because she is a responsible kid in general.  But I am uncomfortable with her staying out all night and I would not like this to become a routine just because she turns 18.  I am not sure how to negotiate that or the reasoning for that potential rule here, but I was wondering how others handles their young adult kids.                         

 

I think anything imposed as a rule that seems unreasonable to dc is likely to end up a contentious matter for age 18.

Maybe if you can figure out the why, what makes you so uncomfortable,  you can explain it so it makes sense to her. 

ETA—I cannot help with the why, but in my prior post gave some why’s for our opposite position where sleep overs *are* allowed and have been for years. 

(This just popped my mind over to wondering how “Jake” is doing. I think the connection is the aspect of parental control.  And the question of what’s reasonable.) 

 

 

Edited July 6, 2019 by Pen

[TechWife]

This discussion comes up every once in a while and it is always very interesting.

I am in the camp that believes that there shouldn't be a lot of rules for adult children living at home. After the age of 18, curfews are arbitrary rules and I don't see the sense in establishing an arbitrary rule.

When ds goes out, he tells me approximately what time he will be in and texts me if he's going to be late. It's common courtesy. My husband and I also tell him when we are going out and about what time we will return. Again, common courtesy so no one worries. I don't think he'd worry about us for hours, but we extend the same courtesy to him that we want him to extend to us.

At night, we are all as quiet as possible. We all go to bed and get up at different times. Anyone who comes in late does so quietly. The last person in the house is expected to set the house alarm.

I can't imagine using the phrase "sleepover" with an adult. To me, that is something a child/teen does, not an adult. An adult either comes home or doesn't come home. My son goes camping with friends. He lets us know where he is going & when to expect him back for safety reasons. Usually when he arrives at the campsite he sends me a text, but not always. It's more common if he is at a campground further away from home and has been driving for several hours. When he sets out for home, he usually, but again, not always, sends a text with his ETA. Likewise, when my husband and I travel. we leave a copy of our schedule with him. Sometimes we touch base with him while we are gone, but not always. He is glad to take care of the cats while we are away, so that's nice that I don't have to hire a pet sitter, but I don't expect him to do that & would so so if needed.

I don't think that you're going to be able to control when/if your adult child comes home for the night. It isn't a reasonable expectation.

He asks if he want someone to stay over. He recognizes it is our house & he needs to get approval from us for guests. When he was in college, his girlfriend spent a holiday with us and slept in the bonus room and that was fine. Another time he had small groups of guys over (2-3) -  they were all getting together for an event and not everyone was local. It makes sense to me that the house closest to the concert venue, for example, would be the one everyone sleeps at & I don't expect anyone to drive for hours after a concert to get to their own home or dorm, nor do I think that would necessarily be a safe thing to do. As an adult, my son has friends I have never met, so I don't pass up an opportunity to meet them when one comes along. If any of them were to be disrespectful or take advantage of us as hosts, I wouldn't have a problem telling them it was time for them to go.

He is expected to keep his room and his bathroom reasonably neat.

When we are home together, we like to eat dinner together, so a heads up on evening plans is appreciated by all. We all recognize that plans can change at the last minute, though. My husband and I will sometimes just decide we want to go out to eat. Sometimes we invite him to come with us, sometimes we don't.

Transitioning from parent-as-rule-setter to parent-as-advisor can be tricky.  Thankfully, we built up a good relationship and we do talk openly about most subjects, so that lends itself to easily addressing any problems as they arise. On the rare occasion that someone is loud late at night, I just get up and ask them to be quiet and they do, for example. I don't let issues fester. We all deal with stuff as it comes up and then go on with life. Failing to address issues in a timely manner leads to a lot of resentment and anger, in my experience.

ETA: We also have a family calendar where we all post work hours, trips, appointments, etc. so that we know when people are coming/going and we can plan meals, etc., but I don't know that is necessary or would be useful to other families. It sure helps us keep up with varying schedules, though.

 

Edited July 6, 2019 by TechWife

[Storygirl]

There is a difference to me, as well, when the person is still in high school, compared to someone who is attending college or working. My kids will all still be in high school at age 18. In my mind (and my experience, having once been 18), graduation from high school is a more important benchmark for the transition into being considered a young adult, versus being considered a teen. I would not expect to have the same guidelines for a child who is a college freshman than I will for a high school senior.

 

Edited July 6, 2019 by Storygirl

[J-rap]

First, I don't think anything magical necessarily happens the day a child turns 18.  I'm always puzzled when people think that at that age, one is instantly an adult and everything changes.

That said, once graduated from high school, our kids are certainly in the transitional stages of becoming a fully independent adult.  Sometimes they need our guidance still, although more often than not, they don't.

I also think the term "sleepover" for an 18+ seems kind of funny.  They could certainly have a good friend sleep over, but other than that, no.  We're still a family home, not a college dormitory.  And if they want to sleep overnight at a friend's house -- fine.  But if we felt it was a dangerous or risky type of sleepover, we'd certainly step in and voice our opinion.  Same for if they were staying out all night.  What would they be doing staying out all night?  Again, if it were risky or dangerous behavior, we'd step in.  But if they had good reason, we'd let them be.

Of course it'd be different if they didn't live at home.  But even if they didn't, and if they were doing things that we considered dangerous, we'd definitely talk it out.  We'd do that for anyone we loved.  It really wouldn't be about rules.  It would be about whether they were safe and okay. 

 

[Shoeless]

When people say "sleepovers", are you talking about staying the night at a friend's home? Or is that code for spending the night with a romantic partner? I can see why some might feel weird about their newly minted 18 year old staying overnight with a romantic partner, but sleeping at a friend's house? What is the issue there? 

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, Reefgazer said:

Yes, that's when DD and I talk into the wee hours of the morning.  She's a great kid with no discipline or behavioral issues, but I was just wondering how others handled their adult children and household expectations for them.  I don't really like the idea of a curfew, but what makes you say set a curfew now even though she has never had one?

all the talk about "I'm turning 18 and I'm staying out all night" would have me concerned child would do something rash (and stupid) just to "prove" their adult status in being able to stay out late just to stay out late. for no other reason, without thinking through long term impact. (and without a sensical reason)

a soon to be 18 year old getting giddy about a sleepover made me think this was a coed sleepover.  (not allowed in my house)  most of my kids had sleepovers with friends/cousins from elementary years - never a big deal, though I understand there are some families that don't.  I dont' understand why an 18 year old would be giddy about a sleepover with mere friends, and it would make me think they had something more in mind.

[Pen]

My Ds is away at a sleep over now.  They were previously at a July 4 weekend event in city. I just got a good night text.  Which I wasn’t expecting, but I thought was sweet.  I think he’s telling me good night for my own bedtime as I doubt he and his buddies are going to bed yet.  It may indicate that they got back to rural friends house.  I texted good night back.  

[Pen]

7 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

When people say "sleepovers", are you talking about staying the night at a friend's home? Or is that code for spending the night with a romantic partner? I can see why some might feel weird about their newly minted 18 year old staying overnight with a romantic partner, but sleeping at a friend's house? What is the issue there? 

 

I mean a friend’s home.      

 

(But in future I expect romantic partner will come up too. ) 

[DawnM]

I don't get the not allowing sleepovers?  My kids do it all the time, and have friends here.  

I have two adult children in my home right now.  Rules are simple:  Communicate and be respectful.  Ask before inviting people over or making plans, just to be sure there isn't anything else going on or whatever.  

So far, they haven't broken the rules.  I do get frustrated when they don't do chores and hate that I even have to ask an adult to clean up, but, I am not going to make it a huge deal.

[scholastica]

We don’t have curfews. Time in is event dependent. Sleeping at someone’s house is rare in the crowds my kids run with. We do have common courtesy rules. Put your work schedule on the family calendar. Let us know if you’re going somewhere and when you expect to return. If that changes, let us know. Let us know who you’re going to be with in case we can’t get hold of you. If you’re coming in after the wage earner’s and home runner’s bedtime, please put the things you need to prepare for bed in the downstairs bathroom and do it there. It’s really just common courtesy. It’s mostly about not disrupting the household with your lifestyle. We still have minor children who also need sleep and we expect that adults living in the house will respect that. It’s not about controlling moral decisions, those are out of my control. It is about people living in community and respecting each other, especially those who are providing the financial and physical support of the domestic community.

[Carrie12345]

7 hours ago, J-rap said:

First, I don't think anything magical necessarily happens the day a child turns 18.  I'm always puzzled when people think that at that age, one is instantly an adult and everything changes

I agree with this sentiment, but I think it’s from the opposite direction. 😉. In our family,, that 17/16/maybe15ish period is spent gearing up toward the day that their legal rights and responsibilities will change. I can’t predict with real certainty what my kids are going to do, so I hope that adulting with training wheels will serve them well if they decide to go full adulting when they get that legal option.

I do stand with a couple of posters on preferring young adults stay out over diving late at night. I think that has more to do with my location than anything else. Our roads can be dangerous.
My own mom preferred I stay out rather than come home and wake the house.  Not that I was overly loud, but it was a small house with younger siblings sleeping.  This was pre-cell phones, so I’d have to make a choice in advance to avoid worrying her all night.

I happen to have a small house with a wide age range of kids, too, but we all sleep like the dead, so that isn’t where I have an issue, lol.

[Reefgazer]

8 hours ago, Pen said:

 

I think anything imposed as a rule that seems unreasonable to dc is likely to end up a contentious matter for age 18.

Maybe if you can figure out the why, what makes you so uncomfortable,  you can explain it so it makes sense to her. 

ETA—I cannot help with the why, but in my prior post gave some why’s for our opposite position where sleep overs *are* allowed and have been for years. 

(This just popped my mind over to wondering how “Jake” is doing. I think the connection is the aspect of parental control.  And the question of what’s reasonable.) 

 

 

 I know why I am uncomfortable - I’m comfortable with it because I don’t know if she’s OK or not.  When she’s home in the house I know she is OK, but if she’s out I don’t know she’s been in an accident or is in a difficult position and needs help.  Also,  there’s been no change in Jake’s position; he has not made any decision to make a move yet either way.

[Reefgazer]

7 hours ago, MissLemon said:

When people say "sleepovers", are you talking about staying the night at a friend's home? Or is that code for spending the night with a romantic partner? I can see why some might feel weird about their newly minted 18 year old staying overnight with a romantic partner, but sleeping at a friend's house? What is the issue there? 

 By sleepovers, I mean general sleepovers with friends.

[Carrie12345]

1 minute ago, Reefgazer said:

 I know why I am uncomfortable - I’m comfortable with it because I don’t know if she’s OK or not.  When she’s home in the house I know she is OK, but if she’s out I don’t know she’s been in an accident or is in a difficult position and needs help.  

I don’t think that’s an age dependent thing, that’s a mom thing!  If you’ve been able to make peace with not knowing between 10 and midnight, you do have the power to work on it during other hours.  Not that I think it’s *easy, but it’s going to have to happen at some point.

[Reefgazer]

7 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

all the talk about "I'm turning 18 and I'm staying out all night" would have me concerned child would do something rash (and stupid) just to "prove" their adult status in being able to stay out late just to stay out late. for no other reason, without thinking through long term impact. (and without a sensical reason)

a soon to be 18 year old getting giddy about a sleepover made me think this was a coed sleepover.  (not allowed in my house)  most of my kids had sleepovers with friends/cousins from elementary years - never a big deal, though I understand there are some families that don't.  I dont' understand why an 18 year old would be giddy about a sleepover with mere friends, and it would make me think they had something more in mind.

 I think she was laughing giddy about the idea because she knows I don’t allow sleep overs of any type for either child. 

[teachermom2834]

I always feel like both parties have valid feelings in these cases.

The parents absolutely have the right to set house rules for whoever lives in the house. Obviously they are the ones financing the deal. 

But 18 yos aren’t wrong to feel like they should have some freedom and arbitrary rules are offensive to their emerging adulthood and independence. Totally normal and valid to feel that way.

In our house this has led to an understanding that young adults do best out on their own. My oldest two moved out to attend college and never came home for more than short breaks during which they respectfully followed our rules. I know that isn’t always possible or desirable but in our house it has been the best way to balance my control freak tendencies with their independence. We all get along great. Not sure how that would go if they were home full time.

My biggest issue or worry with the teens/young adults is driving. I see other parents take the driving in stride and never fret once child has their license. I have been much more conservative with what is allowed for teen drivers living at home. I much prefer my kids to spend the night wherever they are than be on the roads late. I worry less about what is happening at a sleepover than having an accident or car trouble in a bad area, etc. 

[Frances]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

I don't get the not allowing sleepovers?  My kids do it all the time, and have friends here.  

I have two adult children in my home right now.  Rules are simple:  Communicate and be respectful.  Ask before inviting people over or making plans, just to be sure there isn't anything else going on or whatever.  

So far, they haven't broken the rules.  I do get frustrated when they don't do chores and hate that I even have to ask an adult to clean up, but, I am not going to make it a huge deal.

I’m also confused by the no sleepovers for older teens or young adults. My son and his friends still do it as college grads, often for safety reasons after a late event or work. I’m actually envious of the parents who live in the central locations and are the go to homes because they get to meet all of the friends. And I’m very thankful he has friends with generous and welcoming parents, he’s become quite close to some of them, and I see that as a very positive thing.

[Pen]

2 hours ago, Reefgazer said:

 I know why I am uncomfortable - I’m comfortable with it because I don’t know if she’s OK or not.  When she’s home in the house I know she is OK, but if she’s out I don’t know she’s been in an accident or is in a difficult position and needs help.

 

Is this logical? or is this anxiety talking?

Is she more likely to be in an accident or to need your help if she’s staying at the house of a friend all night versus between afternoon and midnight ?  (For example, sex, earthquakes, tornadoes... not sure what you fear happening  ... but most things I can think of can happen before midnight.) 

Statistically, what is the likelihood of whatever you fear happening at a friend’s house after midnight as compared to her current risk from driving to be home by midnight?  

 

 

Edited July 6, 2019 by Pen

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Reefgazer said:

 I know why I am uncomfortable - I’m comfortable with it because I don’t know if she’s OK or not.  When she’s home in the house I know she is OK, but if she’s out I don’t know she’s been in an accident or is in a difficult position and needs help.  Also,  there’s been no change in Jake’s position; he has not made any decision to make a move yet either way.

Well that’s a demon we all have to face as they move to adulthood. In a way, it’s one thing I thought was a nice side benefit when they moved out for college. It forced the issue. There is no way to know what they are doing and if they have any struggles or they have gotten themselves into a sticky situation. Indeed, it wouldn’t be emotionally healthy for either of us to try. I thought it was also a benefit when my dd studied abroad, because she had to manage herself almost entirely, as well as having to solve problems in a foreign country. It’s baptism by fire! It’s high on “adulting” skills. I rarely had much knowledge where she was or what she was doing or if she was OK, and, even if I had known, I was in no position to come swooping in to solve problems. I was an ocean away in a different timezone. So it was good for us both. 

[SereneHome]

I didn't read the replies and my kids are still very young but I will give you the "other side", when I was that age bc I lived with my parents for most of my adult life until I got married

I never had a curfew. I never paid rent or contributed to the "household" until after college. It's just not in our culture to expect that our of "kids", no matter how old those "kids" are. But!!!!! I was and am super risk-averse, so I also never did anything "wrong" - never got drunk, never tried any drugs, etc etc.  Now, looking back, I realize that my mom was probably worried sick bc I did stayed out very late, even though I wasn't doing anything that horrible. But I would come home at 1am or 2am bc we were just "hanging out" and i did have a fake ID, again, even though I didn't start going to clubs until much later.

My husband also lived at home, also didn't have a curfew, also stayed out late and never really did anything stupid.

Thinking how I will be handling it with my boys....I don't think I can realistically have "my house, my rules" approach or have a curfew bc frankly, I would rather they didn't move out when they are 18, regardless if they are paying rent or not. So, what's my alternative?  I am trying to brainwash   teach them now about actions and consequences and am doing a LOT of praying that it pays off, bc I can see myself having a heart attack from not knowing where they are and what they are doing.  Especially with my youngest who is maturing at a much MUCH slower speed than his brothers!

 

[J-rap]

2 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

I agree with this sentiment, but I think it’s from the opposite direction. 😉. In our family,, that 17/16/maybe15ish period is spent gearing up toward the day that their legal rights and responsibilities will change. I can’t predict with real certainty what my kids are going to do, so I hope that adulting with training wheels will serve them well if they decide to go full adulting when they get that legal option.

I do stand with a couple of posters on preferring young adults stay out over diving late at night. I think that has more to do with my location than anything else. Our roads can be dangerous.
My own mom preferred I stay out rather than come home and wake the house.  Not that I was overly loud, but it was a small house with younger siblings sleeping.  This was pre-cell phones, so I’d have to make a choice in advance to avoid worrying her all night.

I happen to have a small house with a wide age range of kids, too, but we all sleep like the dead, so that isn’t where I have an issue, lol.

Oh, I agree with the same direction.  🙂  What I mean is that I don't think they're necessarily fully there the instant they turn 18.

[livetoread]

My son turned 18 last year of high school, and he came and went as he pleased. Daughter, now 18, does as well. They both generally tell me where they are going and text if they will be out all night, but not always. If they forget, and I’m concerned, I’ll text and ask, and they let me know. They are both reasonably responsible, and I’m okay with it. I can also tell where they are with the find iPhones app if I’m wondering. It wasn’t an easy transition for me, but I managed to quell my concern enough to sleep well when they aren’t home yet. They will both be away at college come fall (son has already been for two years) and going to college helped all of us with the transition, too. It works for us to let them set their own schedules, but it’s not the only way for sure. 

 

[theelfqueen]

With my current 18 year old... we had some boundary pushing. When his girlfriend turned 18, her parents basically told her "you're and adult, do whatever you want and you dont have to tell us" and he and I had to discuss that our expectations are different. He pushed hard at first. 

He is not to spend the night away from home if he has school commitments the next day. (he is attending the CC and currently has a school related internship.)  This is about being prepared for his commitments the next day (access to clothes and toiletries, attempting to get some actual sleep). Our expectations do not require that he be home if he's working his other part time job, but he seems to have decided it's a good rule for that, too.

We do want him to discuss individual day plans with us and when he expects to be done and home. (Ir. We are going to a 10 PM movie and will probably go to Village Inn after) And we talked about a general goal of being home around 1 unless specific circumstances (a late shift, a midnight movie, etc) are on the plans. Since that conversation, he has been much better about it. He needs help setting boundaries that serve his own needs. 

Edited July 6, 2019 by theelfqueen

[Pen]

 

3 minutes ago, theelfqueen said:

He needs help setting boundaries that serve his own needs. 

 

Important.

sometimes the parent also has legitimate needs such as a shared car needing to get home so parent can get to work, or to not be woken by wee hour arrivals

[marbel]

I haven't had this issue with my kids, but a niece of mine lived with me for a while. She was a legal adult and not my own kid, but I told her that if she was going to stay out all night she needed to let me know.  When she said she didn't want to call too late, I told her that if it was midnight and she didn't yet know where she might be sleeping, it was time to come home or have me pick her up if needed.  (This was in the days before Uber/Lyft.)  

 

[Murphy101]

We don’t do sleep overs. 

However, that’s because everyone crashes at my house. 😆

Pro: know where my kids are and get to know their friends. 

Con: 3am insomnia means stumbling over bodies of friends or strangers going from my room through the living room to the kitchen. 

No one who isn’t living here ever goes to sleep upstairs where my kids’ rooms are.  It’s the living room or the school room (both downstairs) for sleeping. No mixed sexes in same rooms.

Many of their friends are of very more liberal mindsets wrt to relationships than I am, but I’ve never once had an issue with any of them not respecting that we are practicing Catholics. We’ve had some interesting conversations over the years, but no disrespect or lack of consideration. 

And if everyone is free to enjoy my house, then so am I. They see me in my pajamas, cussing at my kids to do their chores after asking them a dozen times, my husband grabbing my butt at breakfast, praying before meals, sharing highs and lows and bedtime stories.

Sometimes embarrassingly but most times it works for us. 

[Donna]

We did not set curfews once they were adults but did expect ours to send us a message letting us know where they are and when they expected to be home (or if plans changed for some reason). My reasoning is if I woke at 2am and someone wasn't home yet, I wanted to be able to look at my phone and know they were on their way, staying with a friend, or whatever rather than stay awake worrying they were crashed in a ditch somewhere.

[Laura Corin]

We don't have curfews for adults. However the car insurance goes up in price if the car is driven at night, so we would have that conversation if necessary.

[Ellie]

12 hours ago, regentrude said:

We never had curfews. We expected respectful behavior; anybody coming home late should be quiet and not wake the sleepers. Texts if something unexpected happened. Staying out later than the driving curfew (1am) meant staying over at friends until legal to drive again. Text expected in that case.

We allowed sleepovers.

We simply didn't see any compelling reason to impose lots of rules.

Yes, exactly this.

[Pen]

3 hours ago, Reefgazer said:

 I think she was laughing giddy about the idea because she knows I don’t allow sleep overs of any type for either child. 

 

Well, on positive side, she’s got a non-romantic “sleep over”  as something she’s looking forward to doing as a daring adventure at age 18, enough to be giddy about the idea!  And it is something many of us have been allowing as a matter of course since our dc were little. 

IMO It seems like a good issue to have .  You can work on your own anxiety, she can work on safely managing her growing independence, you can both work on communication 

tbc

 

 

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, Reefgazer said:

 I think she was laughing giddy about the idea because she knows I don’t allow sleep overs of any type for either child. 

the giddy would have me concerned  - no matter the reason. 

  for girls - boy does it allow them to get their giggles out.....(they'd also do movies, and tea parties... for mil's funeral, 2dd stayed at her cousin's house.  cousin's sisters also stayed at her house.  they had fun together - with two babies in tow.  ha.)

and boys - did movie/videogame marathons, then they'd crash.

point being, they get any giddiness out of their systems. - while I wouldn't allow mixed pairs, my kids had no interest in that because they grew up with that expectation.  they also knew if they ever needed mom to be the bad guy, mom would step in and be the bad guy. (they would send me a signal.)

3 hours ago, Reefgazer said:

 By sleepovers, I mean general sleepovers with friends.

I don't get the no sleepovers.

my sister had my girls over at her house with her dd when they were seven? eight?... she wasn't good about getting them to go to sleep.  she told them if they were really quiet, they could scream when her dh came home from his swing? 3rd? shift.   so, they did.  (1dd slept through it. she couldn't stay awake to save her life.)  poor guy - they nearly gave him a heart attack.

 

3 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

I don’t think that’s an age dependent thing, that’s a mom thing!  If you’ve been able to make peace with not knowing between 10 and midnight, you do have the power to work on it during other hours.  Not that I think it’s *easy, but it’s going to have to happen at some point.

def. a "mom thing".   I recall sending emails to 2dd at college that it was polite to drop me a note at least once or twice a week to let me know she was still alive.....(toe-tap, hard glare.)

I found it's harder for me with kids who live at home - which is why if they're going to be out past midnight/1am (usually very late movies) - let me know so I don't freak.  it's just polite to your housemates.

[Pen]

Ctd 

 

I’d be very concerned that if you tell her, “no” as to sleeping overnight at a friend’s, the only presumed recourse would be that if she does that you may kick her out (even if you have not threatened to do so).

In that case, she may feel she needs to do “Jake” like preparing behind the scenes: find couches to crash on, shelters for homeless young adults etc., ...

I think it might be better if you start talking about who she’ll stay overnight with at 18 (emphasize that letting people know where one will be is both a courtesy and a safety) and how she’ll message you with her logistics, estimated time of return, when is good from POV of schooling or work and so forth.

(ETA it would be excellent life skills learning. Waterwings toward swimming on her own.) 

(ETA : I suggest:) 

Build up her age 18 first overnight at a friend’s as a rite of passage for both of you.

 Let it be fun and exciting for her.  

And probably acknowledge your own anxiety to her, which is a rite of passage for you. 

Edited July 6, 2019 by Pen

[sweet2ndchance]

If any of my young adult children lived at home with me still, I would not put a curfew on them any more than I would put a curfew on any other adult that was staying overnight in our home. I would however expect common courtesy such as not being loud when coming in late or having friends spend the night. I would appreciate my children to let me know when they will be back or if they plan to stay out all night but I don't expect it. I'm not going to be angry if they don't tell me but I would probably explain to them that while I respect their right to privacy I would like a heads up so that if I'm waiting for them for some reason or have something going on at home that I wasn't expecting them home for, we all have an idea of when and who will be home at what time so everyone is on the same page. If it becomes a problem for either one of us, they can find their own place or it they want me to treat them like a tenant where I have no right to know what is going on in their lives, then I will treat them like a tenant and charge the rent. You can either be a kind and decent human being like I raised you to be or you can take your chances out in the real world, it's their choice.

I am a big believer in natural consequences. The natural consequence of staying out all night once you are an adult is still having to be an adult while being exhausted. Having to still attend to the duties and responsibilities of being an adult after making the poor decision to stay out all night the night before teaching far more in my opinion than my nagging to enforce arbitrary rules. I don't know how much my belief in natural consequences has to do with it but so far none of my young adult children have been the type to stay out all night just because they can. They handle the duties and responsibilities of being young adults just fine and while they might not make the same choices I would make for them, they down own their decisions, for better or for worse. I'd like to think it is because I've let them make mistakes and learn from them since they were still in the safety net of my home, but I can't prove it but I am proud of who they have become and the decisions they made for themselves.

[QueenCat]

Rules of mutual respect... You don't have to allow sleepovers at YOUR house, but it would be inappropriate to tell an adult that they can't sleep at someone else's house. That said, it is reasonable to ask her to text you if she is staying out or going to be gone all night. If she comes in late, it is reasonable expect her to come in as quietly as possible.

[Farrar]

I can see the point about "my house, my rules" so it's not that I don't think you don't have some "right" to set whatever rules you want to set. I just cannot imagine any good reason to stop a legal adult who is respectful and fulfilling any other life/household obligations from staying out with a friend if they so desire. And that's definitely not the type of relationship I want to have with my kids as adults.

But I say this as someone whose teens already stay over with friends overnight and have since they were like 8, so the idea that I wouldn't allow an adult to do something that I let my elementary schoolers do is especially weird. And I don't have any sense of moral issue with an 18 yo having consensual, safer sex, so there's also that.

[Murphy101]

I have never had a curfew, but we have always had he expectation of knowing where they are and who they are with. The timing of that concern seems completely trivial to me.

If there’s something else going on the house (sickness, important early event next day, or whatever) we just say so and it’s only been a few times that the kids were upset by it. But they know I can’t sleep unless I know where my “ducks” are and are more amused by that than insulted and don’t get riled up about it. So far anyways.

[teachermom2834]

22 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I can see the point about "my house, my rules" so it's not that I don't think you don't have some "right" to set whatever rules you want to set. I just cannot imagine any good reason to stop a legal adult who is respectful and fulfilling any other life/household obligations from staying out with a friend if they so desire. And that's definitely not the type of relationship I want to have with my kids as adults.

But I say this as someone whose teens already stay over with friends overnight and have since they were like 8, so the idea that I wouldn't allow an adult to do something that I let my elementary schoolers do is especially weird. And I don't have any sense of moral issue with an 18 yo having consensual, safer sex, so there's also that.

Agree with this even though I do have a moral issue with an unmarried 18yo having sex. 

For starters I just have to let go of thinking I can have any control over the sex lives of adult children. I would if I could, but I can’t. And considering I cannot control that, I just have to let that concern go and not let it interfere with our relationship. We spoke openly their entire childhood about my feelings on these matters. They know. My reiterating it constantly now or acting like I am in fear of that is not going to change their behavior or enhance our relationship.

I mentioned before that driving is my big concern. I did not generally allow girlfriends of my boys to spend the night at our house. Even in separate rooms. But there were exceptions. Once ds and a girlfriend went to a concert and she was going to have over an hour drive home very late. I let her stay without a second thought. I’d take pregnant over dead so driving safety is always my top concern.

They do not magically become a different person at 18 yo but you do have to find a way to let them go. 

 

[Reefgazer]

4 hours ago, Pen said:

 

Is this logical? or is this anxiety talking?

Is she more likely to be in an accident or to need your help if she’s staying at the house of a friend all night versus between afternoon and midnight ?  (For example, sex, earthquakes, tornadoes... not sure what you fear happening  ... but most things I can think of can happen before midnight.) 

Statistically, what is the likelihood of whatever you fear happening at a friend’s house after midnight as compared to her current risk from driving to be home by midnight?  

 

 

I fear accident an on desolate roads, where they are even more desolate at two in the morning. I fear shopping at a Walmart and coming out to a desolate parking spot because it’s two in the morning  and that gives opportunities for crime,  more so than in a well populated daylight situation.  I see that just about anything can happen at two in the afternoon as happen at two in the morning, but the fact is most places are less populated and very desolate at two or 3 AM, and I think for that reason  I am more nervous about her being out at night.