How to tell child his bio parent died?

[Pen]

My son is at school right now.  I just learned that his bio-father died.  Any suggestions and advice appreciated.  To start, I don’t know if I should call the school or wait till he comes home.

[J-rap]

Was he close to his bio father?  In communication with him?

[fairfarmhand]

Don't call the school.

Perhaps some more information would help. Does he know bio dad well? What has their relationship been like? Was the death unexpected or had the man been ill?

[Tanaqui]

Unless you intend to pick him up early, don't call the school.

[SKL]

I would wait until he comes home.

Depending on the relationship, I would probably let him get a snack as usual, sit and make eye contact, and ease into it with "I have some news for you.  Bad news."  Let him get ready for it and then tell him as gently as possible.

If he's young enough, I'd do it while cuddling.

[Catwoman]

I’m so sorry, Pen. 😞

[Catwoman]

Has the bio father been ill, or did he die suddenly and unexpectedly?

[Pen]

Very complicated situation.  His bio father cared for him in early years after death of biomother.  His bio father is in his 80’s and in a care facility but had been doing well, and plans were tentatively being made for his biofather to visit in person up to our area. They talk on phone, but had not seen each other in person for a decade.

please don’t quote I’ll delete this later. 

[freesia]

I'm so sorry, Pen.  I agree with SKL that you should let him come home and have a snack and then tell him.  It probably won't be a huge shock, but still very sad.  I think Ktgrok's son's dad passed sometime this year--maybe you should pm her b/c she would have recent advice.

Hugs and prayers for all of you.  The complicated situation makes it even more confusing for him, I'm sure.  I'll also pray that you and your dh would have wisdom on what to say and do.

[prairiewindmomma]

I would wait until he came home from school, and be prepared for him to have a day home tomorrow if need be.  You can call the school tomorrow am to explain the absence if he needs an additional day off. 

[J-rap]

What I would do...  I would wait until after school too.  Wait until he's had a chance to settle and have a snack, and then you can sit together on the couch and you can gently tell him.  Give him time to process while sitting with you, and answer questions.  Help him understand that he was elderly and that it's okay.  Give him lots of hugs.  As suggested above, if he wants to stay home tomorrow, let him.  But, he might be the type who wants to go along with his day still.   (I'm sorry...)

[Pen]

A wrinkle: a donor facility wants to know if they can use parts.  Decision needed by 5 pm at latest.

Technically it is up to someone else to decide, but probably  ds is truly the most important person in the decision if he were to have an opinion.  (Ds is 16yo.  He had already made decision about what to do with  cremation remains when he was around 13.  He could normally probably address himself to donor issue, but I am not sure if he can when he will have just learned.  OTOH, he may be upset later on if he was not consulted.  ). 

[Pen]

@Ktgrok

I can’t make pm work right now.  If based on your experience you have any suggestions could you please let me know? 

 

[Chris in VA]

I'm so sorry for the loss. 

As far as donation, it is a very, very personal decision, and he should feel no pressure. I will say that as someone whose brother received the extremely generous donation of a double lung transplant, one that allowed him to adopt two children and live an additional 17 years. Even though I am a huge advocate of donation, it is not anyone's business if someone says no. 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

When does he get home from school?  My advice on whether to call and get him would depend on that. 

[prairiewindmomma]

13 minutes ago, Pen said:

A wrinkle: a donor facility wants to know if they can use parts.  Decision needed by 5 pm at latest.

Technically it is up to someone else to decide, but probably  ds is truly the most important person in the decision if he were to have an opinion.  (Ds is 16yo.  He had already made decision about what to do with  cremation remains when he was around 13.  He could normally probably address himself to donor issue, but I am not sure if he can when he will have just learned.  OTOH, he may be upset later on if he was not consulted.  ). 

 

Then I think I would do an in-person pickup at school.  If he chooses to stay at school, great, but if not, that's ok too.  I think it should be his decision to make, and rushing it will only increase the pressure. 

[Pen]

11 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

When does he get home from school?  My advice on whether to call and get him would depend on that. 

 

Around 4pm. 

I cannot reach the  adult legal next of kin. I won’t try to pick up or consult ds until official adult next of kin reached.  We don’t have legal authority other than via the legal next of kin. 

I am worried about the legal next of kin being okay.

Edited December 20, 2018 by Pen

[Lecka]

I would notify school before he goes back to school (or tomorrow is fine if he goes tomorrow).

If you don’t feel able or up to telling him tonight, and would like to see if you could talk with him together with a school counselor, that is an option.  So is calling another person to come to your house for moral support.

If you feel comfortable then I really like suggestions you have gotten.  

[ktgrok]

 Given the time constraints and that you think he wants a say in the matter I would go pick him up. I might have something sweet on hand because bumping up blood sugar after a shock can be helpful. Just like a soda or something. Go ahead and tell him but do it in the car or at least were other kids can’t see. In case he cries or something. Give them a hug. Even if he doesn’t want one. Tell him it’s OK to be sad. And tell him that it’s also OK to be unsure of how he feels keeping the complicated relationship. But there is no right or wrong way to feel about any of this. And then tell him that there is a request for Organ donation. But your instinct was to allow it, but you wanted him to have a say in it. So you need his OK. And that you’re sorry to put this on to him all at once. Then afterwords take him to go get coffee or ice cream or something if you would like. Or let him just watch TV and not think about it if that’s what he wants.

[Junie]

I agree with Katie.  I think that him getting home at 4 and the organ donation decision needing to be made by 5 is too tight.  There just isn't enough time to process.

I think picking him up and telling him in private is the best way to handle it.  And, I think the snack is a good idea.

Hugs to both of you as you go through this.

[Pen]

@Ktgrok  or any one who wants to chime in

If the organ donation issue isn’t on the table (and if legal next of kin isn’t reached in time, it isn’t) would you let him stay at school?  

Another option is I can pick him up at 3:15 at end of school day. The 45 minutes past that is bus ride.

[unsinkable]

.

Edited March 21, 2019 by unsinkable

[Nemom]

@Pen Sorry you are going thru this right now.  I have no personal experience but agree with others.  I would let him finish the day.  I'm assuming he is taking semester finals right now?  Which would reinforce the decision to let him get through those tests today.  

[Bootsie]

Things I would consider are:

What is the school like?  Is it large or small?  Does it seem like a supportive place to him?  Is there a counselor he feels comfortable with?  Could he be called to the counselor's office and you tell him there in private?  (My kids went to one school where I would follow this approach and one where I definitely would not)

Is there anything going on at school today that this information would interfere with?  (Semester exams, important tryouts, etc.)

For most kids, I think this would be important information that they would feel left out of if they weren't contacted sooner rather than later. 

[Junie]

20 minutes ago, Pen said:

@Ktgrok  or any one who wants to chime in

If the organ donation issue isn’t on the table (and if legal next of kin isn’t reached in time, it isn’t) would you let him stay at school?  

Another option is I can pick him up at 3:15 at end of school day. The 45 minutes past that is bus ride.

Disregarding the organ donation, I would just pick him up at the end of the school day.  I'm not sure what time zone you're in.  On the East Coast it's only another hour and a half.

If you're on the West Coast and he doesn't have any exams this afternoon, I would *maybe* pick him up at lunch and let him decide if he wants to finish the day.

He might not want his friends/classmates to know about it.  Taking him out of class would perhaps force him to explain.

Edited December 20, 2018 by Junie

[Lecka]

How are you feeling?  Do you feel like it’s a good time for you and you are prepared?

You can go get him if you are comfortable.

Finals are a complete non-issue with a death of a close family member.  

Unless you think it would stress him out or he would worry about it.   But in reality this is a bigger deal than finals and exceptions get made for things like this.

If you think he would stress, you could verify with a school counselor or principal that he doesn’t need to worry about finals.  

Edited December 20, 2018 by Lecka

[ktgrok]

21 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

I would go get him. 

I'm saying that as someone who was left for hours at school without knowing about the death. And I've always felt awful, thinking I was just living those hours without knowing when I absolutely should have been told.

I can respect that other people in a similar position ( being a child at school with a parent who has died) might feel differently but for me, it seemed to have added to my pain, that so many people knew and I did not.

I'm going to let those who have been in that position say what should happen. I think probably there is no down side to picking him up, and as unsinkable's experience shows, there is a possible downside to not picking him up. 

[Junie]

My parents divorced when I was little and I was not close to my father.  I was still pretty emotional when I found out that he died.  My step-mother called me on the phone to give me the news.  My parents (mom and step-dad) were actually at my house getting ready to leave to go home out of state -- I think they had their coats on and everything -- when the call came in.  My mom wisely decided that they would stay until dh got home.  My parents took care of the kids (two little ones at the time) so that I could have some time to myself to grieve.

I would have never asked them to stay, and I would have never guessed that I would need that time, but I absolutely did.

I'm sharing my story to give you a head's up that you really don't know how he will react -- and he doesn't know either.  I guess just be prepared to be with him or give him some space depending on his reaction.

More hugs.

[Arcadia]

Hugs.  I would opt to go during lunch to pick him up and tell him because medical appointments are typically done after lunch so less people would be wondering why he leaves school early. 

When my grandparents died in 1st grade and 6th grade, my cousins were sent to pick me up. 

My school district gives five days excused leave for death of a parent.

[Tanaqui]

In contrast to unsinkable, I didn't have any problems with not being told about my father's death until my mother was able to tell me in person. It was all over by the time I got off the school bus, and my dance teacher's husband (!) picked me up and brought me to the dance school. It would not have been better for me to know what went down before my mother was able to get there and take me home. (And yes, it was several hours between being picked up at the bus and then being picked up at home. My mother had to go from Manhattan to Staten Island to deal with all this, then into Brooklyn to get me and my sister, and we weren't in the same spot.)

But we're different people. None of us, even you, can predict how your son would react to either scenario. So long as he can see, later on, that you acted with the best of intentions I think it'll probably be all right no matter which one you pick. If my mother had told me over the phone I think that would've been worse, but as an adult I would look back and see that she was doing the best she could, the same as with the other things about my childhood I wish had gone differently.

[Katy]

I would go pick him up at school and tell him in person. He's the one who needs to make a decision ASAP, or at least be consulted about whatever decision is made.

 

ETA:  I mean NOW, not at the end of the school day. Even if it interferes with term finals or whatever.  Just go get him and tell him the truth ASAP.

Edited December 20, 2018 by Katy

[Pen]

Thanking you all for replies and prayers.

I reached  Legal next of kin who is good with going however ds wants with donor issue if he has a view.

I am on my way to pick ds up.

 

[Pen]

No semester exams today. This is west coast still early.  

Very Small rural school.  12 10th graders. No Counselor and principal out sick.  They’ll let me use an office there and give him option to come home or finish day or just to take him home.

[Katy]

1 minute ago, Pen said:

No semester exams today. This is west coast still early.  

Very Small rural school.  12 10th graders. No Counselor and principal out sick.  They’ll let me use an office there and give him option to come home or finish day or just to take him home.

 

Just take him home.  There is no need to process new grief in front of people.

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 minute ago, Pen said:

No semester exams today. This is west coast still early.  

Very Small rural school.  12 10th graders. No Counselor and principal out sick.  They’ll let me use an office there and give him option to come home or finish day or just to take him home.

This has nothing to do with the core of your thread, but your late end to the day surprises me.  High schools around here are out at 2 pm at the very latest and some are earlier than that. 

[Storygirl]

Pen, I am very sorry that your family has received this bad news, and so soon before Christmas. I hope your son takes the news as well as can be expected. It's a heavy decision about the organ donation, and I think that the more time he has to process and think, the better. He may not need that time at all and may know right away what he thinks should be done, but it's good for him to have it.

If he happens to feel angry at you for being the bearer of bad news, try not to take it personally, though it is hard to be in that position.

[chiguirre]

What terrible news Pen. I'll be thinking of you and your son.

[Noreen Claire]

I have no advice, sorry. But, having had to tell DS23's best friend at 16 that his mother had died from a drug overdose, I can only say that I am very, very sorry for you both. I will keep you in my thoughts.

[Catwoman]

Praying for your son, Pen, and hoping the news wasn’t too big of a shock for him. 

 

[Pen]

1 hour ago, Noreen Claire said:

I have no advice, sorry. But, having had to tell DS23's best friend at 16 that his mother had died from a drug overdose, I can only say that I am very, very sorry for you both. I will keep you in my thoughts.

 

This was at least a cause of death (presumed heart attack) that didn’t add excess difficulties . 

We are home. Processing.  Eating.  

Soda was a good idea, but it erupted volcano like in vehicle when opened.  

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[ktgrok]

51 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

This was at least a cause of death (presumed heart attack) that didn’t add excess difficulties . 

We are home. Processing.  Eating.  

Soda was a good idea, but it erupted volcano like in vehicle when opened.  

Oh no!!! A moment of levity maybe?

[Catwoman]

Praying for your son tonight, Pen. The nighttime hours can be so hard because there’s too much time to think and dwell on the sadness. 😞

[Storygirl]

Hugs to you, Pen, and to your son.