Growing up poor

[SparklyUnicorn]

We use bread for hot dogs and hamburgers when we run out of buns :o

 

I thought I was being rather clever, didn’t realize it was a ‘thing’.

 

I don't have buns at all.  :lol:

 

For a different reason though.   Although I bought a case of Smart Buns I'm working through (low carb buns).  I wish they'd make hot dog buns. 

[HomeAgain]

 

 

Oh yeah, and eating out anywhere feels extravagant and going to the movies is a big deal.  We never did either when I was a kid.

 

Same.  In fact, I saw 2 movies in the theatre in a total of 8 years.  I remember them both well - E.T. and Gorillas In The Mist.  I still can't bring myself to pay for a movie often.  We take our kids 1-2 times a year: the newest Star Wars flick and whatever Marvel movie is playing.  If they go outside of that it's a rarity and something truly special.  Most of the time we wait two months, borrow it from the library, and make popcorn on the stove.

 

I applaud my mom's ingenuity in making a dollar stretch.  Our clothes were hand made, our toys were often made at home, our food was home grown, bartered with friends, or at the worst, government-generic (like on Lost, white boxes with black lettering).  We didn't have a lot and often it was secondhand, but we had enough to make us warm and comfortable - even a fireplace to use when we had to. 

 

I am not sorry for the childhood I had.  I will never be sorry for it.  And I'm not sorry for the years in my own children's lives when we were one paycheck away from disaster or using a credit card to pay for gas because the money didn't stretch that month.  They were hard, and stressful, but I don't think I (or my kids) came away being worse for it.  I think we're better able to persevere, be creative, and plod through difficult things because of these experiences.

 

 

[eternalsummer]

Ooh, just thought of a big one for me. Reliable cars. We had a van growing up that would break down so often, we had a system for dealing with it. The thing's transmission was always on the fritz and it would overheat if you ever had to sit idle (in LA- land of the idling car). It was a totally normal thing to have to pull over to add transmission fluid, coolant, pump up a flattening tire for the 3rd time on a long drive... 

 

Yes!  And my mom still drives on the right hand side, all the time, every time, because she's nervous she might have to pull over to the shoulder when the car overheats.  She now drives a Honda that is still in warranty - that thing is not going to just randomly overheat.  But she (and I) spent so many years anxiously watching the dial to see if the car was about to overheat, pulling over, adding water, etc., that it makes her very very nervous to be stuck in traffic and not be on the far right hand lane.

[Soror]

A lot of these poor things were normal to me but we were far from the poorest kids in school. I see not having enough food, or being cold, or not able to pay basic bills as truly poor, using bread instead of buns, nbd. Poor is relative.  I still do some "poor people" things because it is wasteful to me not to. Dh grew up with more money than me and we don't always agree on things. On the topic of buying nicer things, it isn't always worth it in the long run to spend more, might they be nicer to use but will you get 2x the use out of something twice as much, sometimes, not always. (Now there is a different question of whether or not it is worth the waste from an environmental standard but that is different than the economical considerations).  I own hand me down silverware that is a mix match and it still going strong a decade later(since the house fire). As someone mentioned online shopping is a boon for the bargain and value hunter. We proudly shop at thrift stores, I think my parents were a bit too ashamed for that (and the options are better now), we always had some nice clothes (likely put on credit cards but Mom took a third job at Christmas to pay for it). 

 

I only begrudgingly by kleenex(the generic), tp works just fine. I don't buy paper towels at all I use cloth napkins I scored from Goodwill. I've patch all manner of clothes for myself but it was a choice of making my money stretch and not because I was so broke I couldn't afford it at all.

 

OH, we rarely went out to eat, my kids don't either (I see that as a wise choice!). I can only remember seeing 1 movie in the theater. 

Edited January 17, 2018 by soror

[eternalsummer]

My moment of triumph is filling the gas tank. When I was a child, one of us kids would have to take in the money, usually  $5 in hustled change or a few 'found' dollars, in to the gas attendant and have the pump set to the amount we had; we dare not go over because there was no other money to be had.

 

I feel like a queen every time I can fill the gas tank. Having the money to fill the tank is one of my benchmarks for financial well-being. That doesn't mean, however, that I actually fill the tank. DH is constantly reminding me to get gas. It's just knowing that I can fill the tank if I want to.

 

 

My dad never filled the gas tank all the way.  Partly this was because he was not certain to have the cash, but more because he wasn't sure the car would last through an entire tank of gas, and he sure as hell didn't want to waste his last $20 on a tank of gas for a car that had stopped running!  The idea that whatever was wrong with your car, if it died, could be fixed for $x at the local mechanic's - completely foreign.  Either it was something you could fix yourself or that was super cheap, or the car was done.

 

Dad had been a used car salesman at one point, though, so he was pretty good at making a car go for a few more months, then a few more months.

[eternalsummer]

Did anyone else go "window shopping"?  DH grew up poor too but has no idea why one would do this so I wonder if it is regional (or maybe just familial).  We'd go to WalMart or K-Mart and look around and pick out all the things we would buy if we had the money, or maybe that we planned to buy at some future time. 

[Scarlett]

Yes!  And my mom still drives on the right hand side, all the time, every time, because she's nervous she might have to pull over to the shoulder when the car overheats.  She now drives a Honda that is still in warranty - that thing is not going to just randomly overheat.  But she (and I) spent so many years anxiously watching the dial to see if the car was about to overheat, pulling over, adding water, etc., that it makes her very very nervous to be stuck in traffic and not be on the far right hand lane.

 

 

Ha this reminds me of a an old 74 dodge dart I had when I was about 20. Every time I made a left hand turn something would drip onto my foot.  For years after I traded that car in for a new Honda Civic I would pull my foot out of the way when making left hand turns.  

[Arcadia]

Did anyone else go "window shopping"? DH grew up poor too but has no idea why one would do this so I wonder if it is regional (or maybe just familial).

I grew up window shopping but my husband didn’t. It was location specific a lot more than income specific. My childhood home and schools were near the shopping belt and tourist/hotel corridor, similar to the Las Vegas strip. Walking home from school would mean walking pass lots of malls so window shopping was what my schoolmates and I do on the way home. Kind of like walking through Times Square to get home everyday from school.

My husband grew up next to Chinatown and he walks through Chinatown to get home from school. There is no window to window shop as most of the stores didn’t have window displays.

It was interesting though when we went to Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus and he was totally unfamiliar with the brands and I could tell him which childhood malls carries that brand. He rarely went mall shopping as a child unless it was with his high school classmates after a class movie outing.

[Kassia]

I wouldn't say we were poor because we always had food, clothing, and shelter, but I was the poorest of my friends and my parents definitely struggled.  It really makes me appreciate everything I have today because I never dreamed of having the things I do (not that we are wealthy now, but comfortable).  I still can't get over the fact that I have my own laundry room.  I grew up without a washer/dryer and now I have a beautiful laundry room - this delights me daily.  I love my dishwasher, too.  I love it that we can have unexpected expenses and, while unpleasant, they don't change the way we live or cause a lot of stress.  I feel so fortunate!  

 

One thing I do, and I don't know if it's because I grew up with no money, is I get very upset with my kids if they act entitled in any way or complain about things their friends had that the didn't (my adult kids).  I have no tolerance for that.  

 

ETA:  DH and I are both pretty frugal.  My kids are, too.  One a bit too much, IMO.

Edited January 17, 2018 by Kassia

[SparklyUnicorn]

A lot of these poor things were normal to me but we were far from the poorest kids in school. I see not having enough food, or being cold, or not able to pay basic bills as truly poor, using bread instead of buns, nbd. Poor is relative.  I still do some "poor people" things because it is wasteful to me not to. Dh grew up with more money than me and we don't always agree on things. On the topic of buying nicer things, it isn't always worth it in the long run to spend more, might they be nicer to use but will you get 2x the use out of something twice as much, sometimes, not always. (Now there is a different question of whether or not it is worth the waste from an environmental standard but that is different than the economical considerations).  I own hand me down silverware that is a mix match and it still going strong a decade later(since the house fire). As someone mentioned online shopping is a boon for the bargain and value hunter. We proudly shop at thrift stores, I think my parents were a bit too ashamed for that (and the options are better now), we always had some nice clothes (likely put on credit cards but Mom took a third job at Christmas to pay for it). 

 

I only begrudgingly by kleenex(the generic), tp works just fine. I don't buy paper towels at all I use cloth napkins I scored from Goodwill. I've patch all manner of clothes for myself but it was a choice of making my money stretch and not because I was so broke I couldn't afford it at all.

 

OH, we rarely went out to eat, my kids don't either (I see that as a wise choice!). I can only remember seeing 1 movie in the theater. 

 

Yes sure of course.  We usually didn't go without food, but there were times we did. It is relative.  We were never homeless, for example, and I suspect many here weren't either.  But there is just so many things people take for granted as "needs" that poor people often do not have.  Like now when I go to the dentist they lecture me on buying top notch tooth brushes, tooth paste, flossing, etc.  Half the time we didn't have toothpaste let alone floss.  Floss is just not the sort of thing you buy when you don't have much money.  (And dental visits at all..nope.) 

 

Boots in winter when you live in the Northeast.  If I had boots at all, you can be sure they were a pair bought 2-3 sizes too big so that I could wear them for 2 or more years.  And they were cheap shit so they didn't keep one's feet warm or dry.  And ill fitting boots hurt your feet and make you trip.  Now I get lectured on how important it is I spend $100 on shoes/boots (or more).  As if this is some sort of thing that makes me a decent person.  I still can't bring myself to buy expensive shoes.  So I still don't.  But the ones I do have are 100,000 times nicer than what I had growing up so I don't get what ppl are talking about when they say I need to buy good shoes. 

[Debbi in Texas]

A sort of modern general store or mini Walmart. Everything is NOT a dollar. They

Have food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, a few housewares. It's not extensive but far more convenient than driving 1/2 hour.

 

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I buy many things from Dollar Genera; seems like every little Texas town has one. Many times on their receipts they have a coupon for $5 off of a $25 purchase. So, while I do not generally buy clothes there except underwear, it's great for cleaning supplies, hba, and lightbulbs.

[Garga]

. My youngest sisters can not fathom a world where they can’t just go into the kitchen and eat everything in sight, order a pizza whenever they want, or go to the movies just because they want to.

 

I got a friend in high school who would meander through the house and say to her parents over her shoulder, "I need 20 bucks to go to the movies," and they'd just hand it to her.  Soooo foreign!  And then she'd take me out to the movies.  It was amazing.  I felt so weird using her parents' money that way but I just couldn't resist the movies.  

 

 

 

 Turns out having a pool table is a symbol of having made it; growing up, a man with a pool table was seen as unbelievably rich, at least in his experience. I moved into a house with a pool table when I was 13. No biggie.

It's funny what different things mean/symbolize to us.

 

 

When I met my husband and walked into his parents' house and they had a pool table, I thought they must be very upper middle class.  They were just middle-middle class, but a pool table was such a luxury to me that I thought they must be rather wealthy.

 

 

2. Here is the thing that I realize now that I never did understand, having grown up middle class but having a larger income as I got older: I don’t “get†what the upper class “getsâ€â€”so even if I have the money of the upper class, I don’t have the mind-set. I don’t know how to plan a top-flight career. I don’t know how to navigate the world in the way the upper classes do. It’s hard to explain. Maybe The Great Gatsby touched on this.

 

I have a friend born to the silver and she is a gem...and not a snot...but I run across issue after issue where I realize that she sees through a different lens.

 

I have a friend who's not entirely rich, but upper middle class.  She is a psychologist (doctor) and her husband is a well-paid engineer.  They send their kids to a really nice private school in New England where they live. The kids are in all sorts of sports and programs so they're well-rounded.  And I don't know how to describe it, but it's not the same as my kids taking their karate lessons.  There's some *thing* different about how she does it.  Hard to describe.

 

Sometimes I'll mention something about, "Yes, I got these pants on sale at Target!" which is a normal thing to talk about and she gets very quiet and distant.  Now, don't get me wrong, she's a sweetie-pie and works with traumatized children as part of her job and she's a loving person...but talking about getting pants on sale at Target is something she just doesn't understand or know how to respond to.  She talks about all the girls she met at her college and how they were the daughters or foreign dignitaries and how they've gone on to amazing careers and I just can't even imagine.  I have a high school diploma and took a couple of classes at a CC in my 30s.  I just don't know how to navigate/see the world the way she does.

 

Halloween costumes.... I was always trying to figure out stuff that could be done with nothing. One year I was a 'teenager'... I wore a jean jacket I had... my sister put makeup on me. One year I was a blind person (sunglasses and a white coathanger straightened up)...

 

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I went as a trash can one year.  Wore a black trashbag with a hole cut out for my head and my mom attached "trash" to it--it was boxes of food that she transferred to other containers (like an empty box of elbow mac or something), so the things attached to me weren't dirty.  But it was cheap!

 

I feel you. Mom used to just put breadbags over our socks and use our rainboots as winter boots.

 

Me, too.  I didn't even know snowboots were a thing until my kids were born and I saw the other moms getting snowboots for their kids.  And snowsuits.  I never knew anyone who wore boots or suits growing up.  You put on your jeans, maybe 2 at the same time, and your jacket and plastic on your regular shoes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I felt like I have truly arrived when I was able to walk into McDonalds and order a cheeseburger off the dollar menu at the age of 16 or so. 

 

Being able to go to Wendy's instead of McDs was the big moment for me, because Wendy's was way more expensive than McDs, so if we could get the potato and some chili...wow!  We had arrived--this was when I was 20 and married.

 

I would still shop at Walmart if we had one nearby. Sometimes I drive out to our closest one (45 min away).

 

I shop there almost exclusively now and I don't usually talk about it on this board because some people here make fun of it.  But I can't bring myself to pay more for the same general items somewhere else. 

 

Growing up and for the first 20 years of marriage, honestly quite a number of things I have came from yard sales.  And I would talk people down on their prices.  Yard sales are cheaper than Walmart and cheaper than the thrift store.  

 

 

Needless to say, I have a hard time fitting in with our secular homeschool community, because someone will inevitably make some hipster remark about hot dogs being beneath them, nutritionally and otherwise, and I kinda want to punch them in the nose.

 

Yup.  I don't get that IRL so much, but I know to stay away from some of the food threads here because it makes me feel bad when the things we eat that I think of as really healthy are looked down on.  Compared to how I grew up, we're eating like kings now.

 

Did anyone else go "window shopping"?  DH grew up poor too but has no idea why one would do this so I wonder if it is regional (or maybe just familial).  We'd go to WalMart or K-Mart and look around and pick out all the things we would buy if we had the money, or maybe that we planned to buy at some future time. 

 

Constantly!  Window shopping all the time!  It was a way to get out of the house, but was free, except for gas.  My parents and I would spend hours each Saturday window shopping at places like Epsteins, and Sunday afternoon was for window shopping at the antique stores in Ellicott City MD (packed full of antique stores).  We rarely bought anything.  I spend every Sunday of my childhood window shopping in those stores and still to this day, I feel like a salmon and like I should be in Ellicott city on Sunday afternoon.  My kids and DH do not know how to do this and if we go "window shopping" it makes them want to buy stuff, which isn't the point.  So we rarely go.

 

I "window shop" in Walmart when I'm there for groceries.  About once a month or so, I go down random aisles just to look at the stuff that I know I'll never buy but want to admire.

[SparklyUnicorn]

We have Dollar General here, but what I find is that their prices aren't that good.  I get better deals elsewhere.  I think what keeps them in business around here is that they are placed in poorer areas that are walkable.  So for some people that is "the" place they can get to for basic stuff.  Unfortunately, they aren't saving any money though!  It sucks.

 

 

[Crimson Wife]

Ok I'm seriously baffled by the Walmart comment.  There is literally nowhere else to shop where I am.  It's either Walmart or the mall.  Which...the mall.  You'll pay three times as much for stuff.  But I really have no complaints about Walmart's stuff. 

 

It's not so much that he thought I should've bought the flatware at Walmart rather than the outlet mall (though I am not a fan of Walmart's labor practices so it is not a store I frequent).

 

It's that he thought I should've bought the absolute lowest price set I could find regardless of quality. Up to a certain price point, you do actually get what you pay for. It's no bargain to have to shell out for multiple cheapie items because they don't last very long compared to spending the money up front for quality. "Penny wise but pound foolish" and I'm positive it comes from his lower middle class upbringing.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's not so much that he thought I should've bought the flatware at Walmart rather than the outlet mall (though I am not a fan of Walmart's labor practices so it is not a store I frequent).

 

It's that he thought I should've bought the absolute lowest price set I could find regardless of quality. Up to a certain price point, you do actually get what you pay for. It's no bargain to have to shell out for multiple cheapie items because they don't last very long compared to spending the money up front for quality. "Penny wise but pound foolish" and I'm positive it comes from his lower middle class upbringing.

 

Well yeah of course.  But if you need eating utensils and can only afford the cheapest ones it's either you go with those or you go without utensils.  And he may not need to do that now, but you don't easily stop thinking like that if that's how you thought for many years.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah thinking of stuff like thrift shopping and deal shopping, this in my experiences, tends to be the luxury of the well off (or moderately well off).  I've got time to do it and I have good transportation.  Otherwise, I'd go with the cheapest place I could get to at the time I could get to it. 

 

 

[Joyofsixreboot]

We have Dollar General here, but what I find is that their prices aren't that good. I get better deals elsewhere. I think what keeps them in business around here is that they are placed in poorer areas that are walkable. So for some people that is "the" place they can get to for basic stuff. Unfortunately, they aren't saving any money though! It sucks.

Hmmm, ours under prices Walmart. I'd go anyway. Choices are nil.

 

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[Wheres Toto]

Okay! Help me here - I’ve been kind of sheltered in chain stores apparently and didn’t realize things like the Dollar Store actually being a dollar. What are all these Dollar Generals I’m passing? Hardware stores? Grocery stores? A little of everything?

 

They didn’t have them where I grew up or anywhere in AK, that I saw.

 

We have Dollar Generals where everything is NOT a dollar, but we also have other stores where everything is a dollar.   They usually have a little bit of everything but the actual dollar/Dollar Stores usually don't have much food except some cans, and snack type things.  Dollar Generals sometimes have cold cases.

 

The dollar/Dollar stores are good for seasonal decorations, some school or craft supplies, very cheap hardware (like I needed 20 small screwdrivers for 4-H and bought them there), plastic stuff (I bought 10 dishpans at one for my classes), greeting cards.  All for $1.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Hmmm, ours under prices Walmart. I'd go anyway. Choices are nil.

 

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They don't here.  I look at the flyer and nearly every item I'm interested in I know I'd find somewhere else cheaper.

[Garga]

Yes sure of course.  We usually didn't go without food, but there were times we did. It is relative.  We were never homeless, for example, and I suspect many here weren't either.  But there is just so many things people take for granted as "needs" that poor people often do not have.  Like now when I go to the dentist they lecture me on buying top notch tooth brushes, tooth paste, flossing, etc.  Half the time we didn't have toothpaste let alone floss.  Floss is just not the sort of thing you buy when you don't have much money.  (And dental visits at all..nope.) 

 

Boots in winter when you live in the Northeast.  If I had boots at all, you can be sure they were a pair bought 2-3 sizes too big so that I could wear them for 2 or more years.  And they were cheap shit so they didn't keep one's feet warm or dry.  And ill fitting boots hurt your feet and make you trip.  Now I get lectured on how important it is I spend $100 on shoes/boots (or more).  As if this is some sort of thing that makes me a decent person.  I still can't bring myself to buy expensive shoes.  So I still don't.  But the ones I do have are 100,000 times nicer than what I had growing up so I don't get what ppl are talking about when they say I need to buy good shoes. 

 

Floss!  I use the same string of floss for weeks, until it's too frayed.  We didn't have floss when I grew up and I think it's not so much that we couldn't afford is as that my parents didn't really know it existed or something.  My parents didn't help me take care of my teeth.  Now that I can afford it, I go every 4 months, because I'm highly prone to cavities and I'm doing my best to keep my teeth from decay and getting cleanings every 4 months is a wonderful luxury that I am happy I can afford. The insurance pays for them every 6 months, but I have to pay for my extras out of pocket.

 

I'm the same way as you about things like shoes.  I think I'm buying good stuff and it's jarring when what I think is good stuff is something that someone else sneers at.  

 

We have hosted foreign students in the summer.  Some of them are remarkably rich.  One boy's dad had two Lamborghinis.  One of those cars is $200,000, which is more than my house by tens and tens of thousands.  His father owns a leather factory and the boy brought a leather wallet with him that he left on the washing machine one day.  I felt it and rubbed it against my cheek.  It was as soft as butter.  My wallet is from Walmart and I stood in the aisle for a half hour comparing the wallets and debating whether I should take the plunge to get one.  I had been using a rubber band to hold my stuff together, but the band kept breaking and I was afraid I'd lose my cards or money, so I felt like I should get a wallet.  

 

Another boy was wealthy from Spain, where his family took about 5 2-week vacations to places like Monaco every year.  He brought his own towel with him and it was as thick as at least 2 of mine.  It was hung in the bathroom I would hold it in my fingers and imagine what it would be like to dry off with something that thick and soft.  

 

After those visits, I had to consciously reset myself back to being content with my cheaper stuff and remember that it's not like how it was when I was growing up, and remember that compared to most people in this world, my thin towels and cheap-o wallet are still more than they could have and that I'm richly blessed. 

 

This summer, honestly, I'm just not up to hosting really rich kids in my house.  The Chinese kids were super good at hiding their wealth, but the Spanish kid wasn't good at it, and I struggled with jealousy, frankly.  The Chinese kids didn't talk about money or what they had unless directly asked--we'd asked the boy about his family and things like where he lived and what cars they had.  For the Spanish kid, he mentioned a vacation place and I asked, "So why do you go there?" meaning what's the draw--is it for the beach? An amusement park?  He just gave a funny little self-depreciating face and said, "Well, we go there because that's just what rich people do when they want to be seen."  I wasn't sure how to respond.  

Edited January 17, 2018 by Garga

[BarbecueMom]

Yes sure of course.  We usually didn't go without food, but there were times we did. It is relative.  We were never homeless, for example, and I suspect many here weren't either.  But there is just so many things people take for granted as "needs" that poor people often do not have.  Like now when I go to the dentist they lecture me on buying top notch tooth brushes, tooth paste, flossing, etc.  Half the time we didn't have toothpaste let alone floss.  Floss is just not the sort of thing you buy when you don't have much money.  (And dental visits at all..nope.) 

 

Boots in winter when you live in the Northeast.  If I had boots at all, you can be sure they were a pair bought 2-3 sizes too big so that I could wear them for 2 or more years.  And they were cheap shit so they didn't keep one's feet warm or dry.  And ill fitting boots hurt your feet and make you trip.  Now I get lectured on how important it is I spend $100 on shoes/boots (or more).  As if this is some sort of thing that makes me a decent person.  I still can't bring myself to buy expensive shoes.  So I still don't.  But the ones I do have are 100,000 times nicer than what I had growing up so I don't get what ppl are talking about when they say I need to buy good shoes. 

 

I was homeless for a short time.  Living in friends' basements and on relatives' couches.  Housing security is a big issue with me.

 

Oh I remember the ill-fitting shoes.  The blisters!  I do make sure DH has decent shoes because of his back (a quarter-million dollar back surgery puts shoe prices in perspective), and the aforementioned Bogs for the kids, but I can't bring myself to buy brand name Uggs.  I just wear cheaper boots with more socks, lol.  FIL works for a shoe company and buys all the kids' name brand shoes for like $1/pair, which helps an insane amount.  Even I got a pair last time!  I just have to do boots, flip flops, and sports cleats.

 

Another one!  I was in college the first time I went shopping at a grocery store that bagged your groceries for you, because after five years of working at Walmart I didn't want to go in there if I didn't have to.  It seemed so luxurious!  The "family and parenting" editor of the local newspaper wrote an article about trying different discount grocery stores, and was mystified at the ones that made you bag your own stuff.  Or worse, let you use boxes to stack your stuff in!  I was like, "Wow, you are a bit out of touch with the people reading your articles."  According to the article's comments, I wasn't the only one that was thinking it.

 

(I've been wondering what to do with my life after homeschooling, because it's preparing me to work with kids and I really don't like kids in general.  But I'm starting to think low-income advocacy and mentoring might be up my alley.  I feel like I have more to say about this stuff than anything else, lol.)

[Wheres Toto]

Ooh, just thought of a big one for me. Reliable cars. We had a van growing up that would break down so often, we had a system for dealing with it. The thing's transmission was always on the fritz and it would overheat if you ever had to sit idle (in LA- land of the idling car). It was a totally normal thing to have to pull over to add transmission fluid, coolant, pump up a flattening tire for the 3rd time on a long drive... 

 

We had some really really awful cars.   Luckily we lived in a place that was close enough to walk to a big grocery store, a Kmart, and various other things.  

 

We had one that smelled very very strongly of pot so my mom only used it to go to work and always drove with the windows open, even in winter.  We had one with no floorboard on the passenger side, you could see the road going by.  We had one where the windshield wipers were operated with a piece of string going through the window.  And one that the rear axle just broke in half one day while driving on the highway.

 

My mother hates driving to this day.

[Wheres Toto]

We weren't homeless but lived with relatives for a little while.   When we did get our own apartment, heat was included in the rent but was kept super-low so we used to wake up to ice in the toilet.  Didn't get better until my mother started dating my stepfather when I was a teenager.  He was the housing inspector in our town and spoke to the landlord.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I was homeless for a short time.  Living in friends' basements and on relatives' couches.  Housing security is a big issue with me.

 

Oh I remember the ill-fitting shoes.  The blisters!  I do make sure DH has decent shoes because of his back (a quarter-million dollar back surgery puts shoe prices in perspective), and the aforementioned Bogs for the kids, but I can't bring myself to buy brand name Uggs.  I just wear cheaper boots with more socks, lol.  FIL works for a shoe company and buys all the kids' name brand shoes for like $1/pair, which helps an insane amount.  Even I got a pair last time!  I just have to do boots, flip flops, and sports cleats.

 

Another one!  I was in college the first time I went shopping at a grocery store that bagged your groceries for you, because after five years of working at Walmart I didn't want to go in there if I didn't have to.  It seemed so luxurious!  The "family and parenting" editor of the local newspaper wrote an article about trying different discount grocery stores, and was mystified at the ones that made you bag your own stuff.  Or worse, let you use boxes to stack your stuff in!  I was like, "Wow, you are a bit out of touch with the people reading your articles."  According to the article's comments, I wasn't the only one that was thinking it.

 

(I've been wondering what to do with my life after homeschooling, because it's preparing me to work with kids and I really don't like kids in general.  But I'm starting to think low-income advocacy and mentoring might be up my alley.  I feel like I have more to say about this stuff than anything else, lol.)

 

Same with me on the shoes!  I've been eying Uggs for years  .  I can't tell if it is worth forking over for them.  I go look at them and then I drive to Walmart and buy the $15 ones.  LOL 

 

I was not homeless in the sense I didn't have somewhere to sleep at night, but it wasn't always "our" home. 

 

Yeah my mother for years went to some sort of food warehouse store.  Cheap stuff you bag yourself.

 

I feel the opposite about low income advocacy.  The thought of talking to people about it makes me feel paranoid that it'll happen to me.  Which might be stupid, but there you have it. 

[Annie G]

Tell me you ate hamburgers and hot dogs with sliced white bread. We can’t have been the only ones.

 

We sure did. Also, mom made what she called 'little hamburgers' in the 60's and 70's- she cut slices of bread into four triangles and toasted them. Then put mustard on it and made TINY hamburgers to go on top. We each got three or four. There were five of us then and she used about a half pound of meat for the whole thing.  Sometimes she had cheese for the top...decadent!

 

Recently ds made a burger but had no bun and dh told him to just use bread. He was shocked that eating a hamburger on bread was even an option.  My kid has clearly had a cushy life. 

[TravelingChris]

Did anyone else go "window shopping"?  DH grew up poor too but has no idea why one would do this so I wonder if it is regional (or maybe just familial).  We'd go to WalMart or K-Mart and look around and pick out all the things we would buy if we had the money, or maybe that we planned to buy at some future time. 

 

My dh and I did this at times when we were newly married so surviving on little or even less when waiting for his military career to start or for the government to actually start paying him, that was delayed too but not at Walmart.  We would go to Water Tower place and look around and then go have a coffee and share a dessert as a very cheap date. I think I  did that too when he was in training and I had a part time job (only job I could get with me leaving so soon and in a minor recession).  By the way, my dh and I spent our first few years  on a single bed, we bought a table from a used store and had to carry it home in pieces because we had no car yet,     we had a old black and white I took with me to college and that we used until sometime after we got to our first station.  We got a queen bed then sometime too and some dressers too that we still use.  

 

I didn't do the multi-quote but I loved going to the thrift store on Fort Myer when I was a kid.  I not only got nice clothes but I got to see the horses too.  

Edited January 17, 2018 by transientChris

[eternalsummer]

Sometimes, on the rare occasion I take an older child with me into the grocery store, they will just put something in the cart - a bag of pretzels or bagels or a yogurt or something.  They only do it with things I've bought in the past, so it's not like something they think I won't want to buy - they just don't want me to forget it on this trip, I guess.

 

Can you believe that?  The idea of putting something in the cart while grocery shopping with your parents - mine would have had a cow.*  It's just this presumption, which I don't fault them for, that I'll be able to buy an extra $2 item that I hadn't necessarily planned on.  Which, well, I can.  But as a kid, or as a young adult (we were quite poor off and on until about 28) - no way.

 

 

*Edit to add: that's not true.  They would have left something else at the checkout if necessary, or skimped on coffee for the week, or figured out something else, but they wouldn't have had a cow.  For me, the potential guilt involved in putting them in that situation - letting them know there was something I wanted that they couldn't provide - prevented my ever ever doing anything like that.

Edited January 17, 2018 by eternalsummer

[SparklyUnicorn]

I could never reuse floss.  My teeth were so crowded that it broke the floss every time.

 

And I didn't get a Pell grant because you can't be considered poor simply by having to spend nearly every penny you make on medical bills.  I guess you are supposed to stop paying the bills that keep you alive and out of prison so you can pay for your child's education instead.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Sometimes, on the rare occasion I take an older child with me into the grocery store, they will just put something in the cart - a bag of pretzels or bagels or a yogurt or something.  They only do it with things I've bought in the past, so it's not like something they think I won't want to buy - they just don't want me to forget it on this trip, I guess.

 

Can you believe that?  The idea of putting something in the cart while grocery shopping with your parents - mine would have had a cow.  It's just this presumption, which I don't fault them for, that I'll be able to buy an extra $2 item that I hadn't necessarily planned on.  Which, well, I can.  But as a kid, or as a young adult (we were quite poor off and on until about 28) - no way.

 

Yep.  It thrills me to no end that I can say yes to my kids at the grocery store. 

[happypamama]

Okay! Help me here - I’ve been kind of sheltered in chain stores apparently and didn’t realize things like the Dollar Store actually being a dollar. What are all these Dollar Generals I’m passing? Hardware stores? Grocery stores? A little of everything?

 

They didn’t have them where I grew up or anywhere in AK, that I saw.

They seem to vary a bit. Around here, they’re a little bit of everything. Like a mini WalMart. I’ll buy household paper products (aside from TP, which comes from Prime subscribe n save), batteries, basic office supplies, trash bags, cheapo plastic storage (I use them for storing game pieces), gift wrap, that sort of thing there. I’ve bought a couple of babies’ pregnancy tests at Family Dollar too. We have a couple that are very nice. I don’t do my grocery shopping at them because they don’t have everything, but if we’re out of one or two items, I will buy them at the dollar store. For us, WalMart or Giant/Aldi are about half an hour away, but the nicer Dollar General is only ten minutes so I’ll run there if we need something in a pinch. Haven’t bought clothing at them, so I don’t know if it’s decent or not.

 

But nowadays inexpensive is chic and has a lot less stigma. When I was a kid and needed posterboard for a project, my parents would go to Dollar General because it was cheaper. I always hated that because if kids saw us in there, they’d tease me. Kids can be mean. Nowadays my kids’ friends would probably say, “Good idea!†But most of my friends shop at the thrift store and Aldi too, just like I do, whereas when I was a kid, it just wasn’t in fashion to be frugal. Kids teased if you didn’t have the latest styles or brands. My kids’ friends seem a lot less interested in trendy styles or brands, and there just seems to be more acceptance for just wearing what you want to wear. But also, I think decent quality clothes are less expensive nowadays too. I can buy basic tee shirts from WalMart, nice thick 100% cotton knits because I am suuuuuper picky and won’t wear blends, for $5, and they will last a long time. I finally had to retire a long sleeved WM tee that I think I’ve had since before we moved here eleven years ago; I paid under $10 for it and wore it hard so that was a great ROI (and it’s still good for pjs and around the house, just has gotten too thin for public). But it feels like when I was a kid, nice inexpensive basics were comparatively pricier. Mom used to sew basic clothing for us, but it’s not really worth my time to sew a kid tee that cost $7 a yard when I can buy it for $4 or $5 at WM. We can buy very good food at Aldi cheaply; it’s not like cheap food has to mean sub-par nowadays. (I’m sure there’s always a level down we could go, but I do appreciate being able to be reasonably frugal and still live decently.)

 

I try not to buy the cheapest thing all the time nor the most expensive. Depends on why I want it. It’s nice to have the luxury of opting for something than the cheapest. For me, that feels like I have arrived, when I need something but can choose what level of quality it is worth to me.

[mom2scouts]

We had some really really awful cars.   Luckily we lived in a place that was close enough to walk to a big grocery store, a Kmart, and various other things.  

 

We had one that smelled very very strongly of pot so my mom only used it to go to work and always drove with the windows open, even in winter.  We had one with no floorboard on the passenger side, you could see the road going by.  We had one where the windshield wipers were operated with a piece of string going through the window.  And one that the rear axle just broke in half one day while driving on the highway.

 

My mother hates driving to this day.

 

We had a really bad car for years and years. Like yours, the floorboard was rotted and we could watch the road go by. The muffler was loud and backfired, so we could hear my dad coming home from work from blocks away. It had a manual transmission and our driveway was on a hill, so we often had to go push the car down the driveway so he could pop the clutch and get the car started. He had a string to the driver's side to operate the windshield wipers too. I was in an after school sport and teammates would sometimes ask if my parents could give them a ride home. When my dad would show up in that car they would, without exception, suddenly remember that they had another ride home.

 

We always used bread for hot dogs and I'm not sure I even knew that hot dog buns were something people could just buy in the grocery store.

[happypamama]

My dad never filled the gas tank all the way. Partly this was because he was not certain to have the cash, but more because he wasn't sure the car would last through an entire tank of gas, and he sure as hell didn't want to waste his last $20 on a tank of gas for a car that had stopped running! The idea that whatever was wrong with your car, if it died, could be fixed for $x at the local mechanic's - completely foreign. Either it was something you could fix yourself or that was super cheap, or the car was done.

 

Dad had been a used car salesman at one point, though, so he was pretty good at making a car go for a few more months, then a few more months.

Hey, I get that! When things were very tight for a few years, we were expecting baby four and really needed a minivan. We were able to buy a very cheap one, but after 18 months it started having a lot of problems. I hated filling it because I sure did not want to waste gas if it finally died LOL! (When it finally did, and we replaced it with a nice used full-size van — things being less tight — I happily sold it for a few hundred to a scrap place and was glad for that.)

 

DH likes me to fill the van and never let it get below half full, but sheesh, even with grocery point discounts, it still costs $50 at a shot to fill it. When I fill it then I am super protective of it, even though I can afford to fill it a few times a month and budget for that. I hate seeing it run low when I’ve filled it.

[Guest]

I did the same thing when I found out 'spring jackets' were a thing here. My friend would get her kids spring jackets- you know like lined windbreakers (this was back in the day before hoodies were a thing) and when I finally bought my kids spring jackets I just felt so rich.

 

ETA: This was a big deal to me because when I was in 6th grade I got sick and had to miss school for like two weeks. When I went back to school and had to go outside for recess the teacher asked me why I had no coat on. I made excuses for days on end...I had left it at church, or a friends, or it was being washed. She had never noticed I had no coat before but I guess being sick for so long made her notice my lack of coat. (I had a lingering cough for weeks)

For me it was pajamas. To give my kids cute pjs seemed like a huge luxury - really? Beautiful clothing just for sleeping in?

[frugalmamatx]

For me, I feel well off when I can afford to use disposable plates and tableware. And not have to use a calculator at the grocery store to make sure I don't go over the amount of money left on the EBT card. 

 

 

I grew up dirt poor, and technically homeless for a while {we lived in an RV and surfed parking lots}. I'm still poor, but the other main thing is I swore to myself when I left home for college that I'd NEVER live in a house with wheels under it again. Nearly 20 years later and I've held to that. 

 

 

We do window shopping too. And does anyone else remember going to any free event that had food? We always did that - it was a free day out AND a free meal!

[TravelingChris]

Oh about homelessness.  I went on a trip to a Children's home run by my denomination where they now have a different mission than just as an orphanage.  They have a number of programs like transitional housing for teens aging out of foster care and home and school for previously homeless families and more.  But anyway in the presentation they gave us before the tour, they talked about the definition of homelessness.  I was shocked that according to the definition, dh,I and all my kids have been homeless a number of times- note my boardname.  Apparently under the definition, when we were transitioning from one base to another, and not living anywhere in particular for a time, we were homeless.  That is obviously ridiculous because even if some of the military places we stayed at or hotels we stayed at where substandard and we didn't have a physical address yet, we were like lots of people who move. You stay in extended stay places until you find a new home.I do think the homeless definition should include something about income level.

 

On a different note, dd just tried making me a smoothie for lunch for her and me.  She had lots of issues because while I have a blender, it is a $40 dollar blender (that I got on sale for 20) probably 10 years ago and it isn't powerful enough to blend a large amount of frozen berries. She has a $120 blender that she got three years ago as a wedding present.  I told her I might replace some day.

[katilac]

Oh about homelessness.  I went on a trip to a Children's home run by my denomination where they now have a different mission than just as an orphanage.  They have a number of programs like transitional housing for teens aging out of foster care and home and school for previously homeless families and more.  But anyway in the presentation they gave us before the tour, they talked about the definition of homelessness.  I was shocked that according to the definition, dh,I and all my kids have been homeless a number of times- note my boardname.  Apparently under the definition, when we were transitioning from one base to another, and not living anywhere in particular for a time, we were homeless.  That is obviously ridiculous because even if some of the military places we stayed at or hotels we stayed at where substandard and we didn't have a physical address yet, we were like lots of people who move. You stay in extended stay places until you find a new home.I do think the homeless definition should include something about income level.

 

 

 

They word it that way just to simplify the definition. They don't mean people who stay at motels while temporarily transient or waiting to move in somewhere, they mean people who are staying at motels and such as a way of life. The motels they're living in are not what most people would view a subpar, but rather what most people would view as "should be condemned." 

 

They don't have to worry about people gaming the system due to the loose definition, because no one who has a choice wants to utilize a shelter or transitional housing. 

[....]

 Poor is relative. 

 

It really is.  And the word "poor" is kinda strange, too (in my mind).  Dh was born in another country where there was so little food that the adults were taking turns eating meals (so the kids could have food).  My FIL said that it cost one day's wages to buy a gallon of milk.  Dh and his brother didn't have stuff like underwear, socks...  There was no medical or dental care.  My FIL's leg is very deformed and he can barely walk, because he had polio when he was a kid.  Someone paid for their entire family to come here to the US.

 

And I grew up with a dad who spent half of my childhood laid-off/unemployed/on-strike.  *shrug* I thought everyone lived like that.   

[Ann.without.an.e]

Did anyone else go "window shopping"?  DH grew up poor too but has no idea why one would do this so I wonder if it is regional (or maybe just familial).  We'd go to WalMart or K-Mart and look around and pick out all the things we would buy if we had the money, or maybe that we planned to buy at some future time. 

 

 

I wonder if this is just more of a preference thing?  DH's family did this.  We never did it.

[Lady Florida.]

A lot of these poor things were normal to me but we were far from the poorest kids in school. I see not having enough food, or being cold, or not able to pay basic bills as truly poor, using bread instead of buns, nbd. Poor is relative.  

 

Ah but see, for those of us who grew up truly poor, as in the bolded, those other "poor people things" just made it so much more obvious that we were in fact, poor. Using bread as buns or wearing hand me down clothes wasn't done just as a way of being frugal. They were  more than just nbd. They were THE ONLY OPTION. When you get dressed for school under the covers because you can't afford to run the heat, when you eat canned creamed corn over white bread* for dinner because it's filling, when you hide from creditors at the door and on the phone, those poor people things that some frugal people do proudly, become confirmation of how poor you are. And then they ARE a big deal.

 

As another poster said earlier in the thread, this is for those of us who actually grew up poor - a thread for us to commiserate. 

 

*Me - What's for dinner?

Mom - Corn on bread (yep, we had it often enough that a simple name explained it)

My kid brother - Yay! (he actually liked it)

 

ETA: I had a conversation with a fellow homeschooler once in which we talked about growing up poor. She said she knew what it was like to be poor because her mother worked two jobs so she and her sister could take dance lessons. Um, what? That's not poor. Poor is don't even ask about lessons or clubs or anything else that involves dues, uniforms, or any other cost. When you're actually poor, the extra job is for food and shelter, not lessons. 

Edited January 17, 2018 by Lady Florida.

[Pronghorn]

I feel bewildered when people say they are "only" middle class. I am SO happy to be middle class! And I have trouble not getting angry when people complain that only poor people can afford college. If they knew what poverty was like, they'd have a very dufferent perspective.

[Teacher Mom]

Everyone is mentioning shoes. Does anyone have problems buying new bras? I have that ice water in the stomach feeling when I need bras or undies, when safety pins won't do it anymore. Just this feeling of shame or helplessness that the money has to be spent on just me.

[KungFuPanda]

It doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize that stainless steel flatware from the Oneida outlet store is going to last a heck of a lot longer than some cheapie set from Walmart. That was our first big fight after getting married because he was appalled at the price. Well, we still have that set 19 years later and it's in decent shape. The Walmart cr@p he thought I should've bought probably wouldn't have lasted a year.

 

No. It lasts forever too, but it sucks forever and if it’s mixed with decent stuff nobody ever chooses it. I bought some cheap stuff to beef up my collection for a party. I need to unload it and get new, nicer utensils that feel good in your hand. Since it’s not a real need I haven’t bothered but I do hate those forks.

[KungFuPanda]

I did not grow up poor but dh did. His mom was divorced by the time dh was 8, and he was the oldest of 6 at the time.

I could not figure out why he wouldn't get rid of the old pool table the church owns in our basement (we live in a rectory). The stand even broke, and he wanted to fix it instead of just tossing the unused behemoth. Turns out having a pool table is a symbol of having made it; growing up, a man with a pool table was seen as unbelievably rich, at least in his experience. I moved into a house with a pool table when I was 13. No biggie.

It's funny what different things mean/symbolize to us.

 

On a funny note--we had a friend who used to say that he never thought he was poor, growing up, because he could always go to the kitchen any time he wanted and fix himself a ham sandwich. How can you be poor when you can have a ham sandwich any time you want, he'd say. Took til he was in his early 20s before he learned a ham sandwich actually has ham on it.

Wait, what did he put on it???

[SparklyUnicorn]

Everyone is mentioning shoes. Does anyone have problems buying new bras? I have that ice water in the stomach feeling when I need bras or undies, when safety pins won't do it anymore. Just this feeling of shame or helplessness that the money has to be spent on just me.

 

Oh hell I don't even wear bras.  LOL  When I did I bought the $4.99 bras at Walmart. I wear my underwear until they are shredded. 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

This! My dh is all about 'buy it now'. I'm mostly a 'do without'. Or at least agonize over it. I'm a pay the important bills first and figure out the rest. Dh is buy the food and needed clothes first... the utility companies will get their money... (um, yeah... when I force the issue). I get a reaction if I see a utility company van on our street.... is it coming to our house? Are we up to date? Did we forget an arrangement?

I still panic if I see the utility van. If the power goes out I still think “did we pay it? Was there a shut off notice?!†I do this with all utilities.

[Arcadia]

There are so many degrees of poor though. I had free milk powder (govt rations) as a primary school kid due to being perpetually underweight because the program ignored family income. I gave them away to a classmate who wasn’t poor enough to get food rations but didn’t have enough to eat. My primary school was a Catholic school and they tried to help the families who were just above govt aid guidelines by family income levels or families who had an abusive breadwinner.

 

Wait, what did he put on it???

SPAM or the cheapest can of luncheon meat? I know schoolmates who didn’t have money for sliced ham and the cans of luncheon meat were from a food pantry. My husband has never had sliced ham growing up because whatever meat that his mom could afford to buy would be for his dad and so he and his siblings had whatever canned meat that was on sale.

 

Being able to buy canned food after looking at the ingredients list was something that my husband didn’t have the luxury of growing up. It was such an alien concept to him because buying canned food was based on which was the cheapest for his mom. To be able to afford a more expensive option with no food coloring for example was just unthinkable.

Edited January 18, 2018 by Arcadia

[Zinnia]

Everyone is mentioning shoes. Does anyone have problems buying new bras? I have that ice water in the stomach feeling when I need bras or undies, when safety pins won't do it anymore. Just this feeling of shame or helplessness that the money has to be spent on just me.

I did think I was the only one. I have a hole in my (only) bra right now, but it feels so silly to buy a new one. I mean, this one will work a bit longer. And then I realize how absolutely crazy it is to feel like that when we can totally afford a new one.

Edited January 18, 2018 by Zinnia

[fairfarmhand]

Same with me on the shoes! I've been eying Uggs for years . I can't tell if it is worth forking over for them. I go look at them and then I drive to Walmart and buy the $15 ones. LOL

 

I was not homeless in the sense I didn't have somewhere to sleep at night, but it wasn't always "our" home.

 

Yeah my mother for years went to some sort of food warehouse store. Cheap stuff you bag yourself.

 

I feel the opposite about low income advocacy. The thought of talking to people about it makes me feel paranoid that it'll happen to me. Which might be stupid, but there you have it.

On the ugg boots. I bought my daughter a pair to start college in last year. She says they’re super comfy, keep her feet warm and dry and after a year and a half of use (including trip to alaska where long daily hikes occurred) they still look like New and she says they’re just as comfy. I felt they were definitely worth the $150 price tag.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[fairfarmhand]

Everyone is mentioning shoes. Does anyone have problems buying new bras? I have that ice water in the stomach feeling when I need bras or undies, when safety pins won't do it anymore. Just this feeling of shame or helplessness that the money has to be spent on just me.

Yes! Oh my goodness yes!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Soror]

Ah but see, for those of us who grew up truly poor, as in the bolded, those other "poor people things" just made it so much more obvious that we were in fact, poor. Using bread as buns or wearing hand me down clothes wasn't done just as a way of being frugal. They were  more than just nbd. They were THE ONLY OPTION. When you get dressed for school under the covers because you can't afford to run the heat, when you eat canned creamed corn over white bread* for dinner because it's filling, when you hide from creditors at the door and on the phone, those poor people things that some frugal people do proudly, become confirmation of how poor you are. And then they ARE a big deal.

 

As another poster said earlier in the thread, this is for those of us who actually grew up poor - a thread for us to commiserate. 

 

*Me - What's for dinner?

Mom - Corn on bread (yep, we had it often enough that a simple name explained it)

My kid brother - Yay! (he actually liked it)

 

ETA: I had a conversation with a fellow homeschooler once in which we talked about growing up poor. She said she knew what it was like to be poor because her mother worked two jobs so she and her sister could take dance lessons. Um, what? That's not poor. Poor is don't even ask about lessons or clubs or anything else that involves dues, uniforms, or any other cost. When you're actually poor, the extra job is for food and shelter, not lessons. 

I'm sorry if I offended :( My parents did frugal things out of necessity as well but we had a security that others didn't. I just feel confused on where the line is on what is poor and what isn't. I live in a poor area so a lot of poor things are normal here too. Where I lived the farmers kids were the rich kids.