Dss16

[Laura Corin]

 

I think many people on this board who struggle with weight cannot even actually see me for the person I am.  Their judgment is as clouded by their own issues as mine might be because I have never been overweight.

 

I appreciate the input of the people on this board who struggle with issues that I do not.  When I bump into those issues, their input helps me to understand.  This has been a great help to me dealing with family health issues that I have not personally experienced.

 

I'm not an overweight person.  I think that your step son and possibly your whole family need(s) professional counselling.

[Rosie_0801]

Someone who doesn't know their own likes and dislikes definitely needs some assertiveness training.

[Scarlett]

I appreciate the input of the people on this board who struggle with issues that I do not.  When I bump into those issues, their input helps me to understand.  This has been a great help to me dealing with family health issues that I have not personally experienced.

 

I'm not an overweight person.  I think that your step son and possibly your whole family need(s) professional counselling.

 

 

Well, thank you for your input.  Dh will do what he feels is best for his son I am sure.

[Sandwalker]

I wasn't anywhere close to mad.

 

And no it isn't cruel to go through Taco Bell.

Yes, it is, with a morbidly obese teenager in the car.

[Scarlett]

Someone who doesn't know their own likes and dislikes definitely needs some assertiveness training.

 

 

Does it have to be professional or can it come from me?  LOL..  *I* am the one who has worked very hard with him on this issue.  What do YOU want dss?  You would not believe how  many times he answers that question with what other people want.  And when I have gently continued to press back with 'yes, but how do YOU feel?  Yes but what do YOU want?'  He eventually peels back the layers until he gets down to what his wants are.  

[fraidycat]

There is a girl his age in our congregation who has lost about 25 pounds doing the Keto. I know it works.

Then let him eat the sour cream and nuts. As many servings as he wants. Make sure it’s high fat, high calorie sour cream and let. Him. Eat. It.

 

Also “serving size†on packaged food is not an actual real measurement of anything except how to make the other numbers in the nutrition box look acceptable. Teens eat. A lot.

[Scarlett]

Then let him eat the sour cream and nuts. As many servings as he wants. Make sure it’s high fat, high calorie sour cream and let. Him. Eat. It.

 

Also “serving size†on packaged food is not an actual real measurement of anything except how to make the other numbers in the nutrition box look acceptable. Teens eat. A lot.

 

 

I don't stop him from eating.  

[fraidycat]

I am sorry you are struggling.

 

Nothing in your above post about me is actually true. About the Taco Bell incident I am going to say one more time what happened exactly. I knew there was no food in the house. So when dss got home I told him we would go get lunch before the doctor. I planned to stop somewhere where we could eat healthy. I told him that. HE TOLD ME HE DID NOT WANT TO EAT. I did not decide he didn't deserve to eat. I don't know how much time had passed because I wasn't with him when he ate at school, but I chose to get a quick bite vs doing a sit down lunch because HE TOLD ME HE DID NOT WANT TO EAT.

 

I do not see everything he does as inferior. I do not see and judge his every move.

 

I did a search of my posts for the past year and I had a couple about dss and a couple about ds. Several times when I was complaining about something my son did to make me nuts people ASSUMED I was talking about my ss and I had to correct them. They ASSUMED that because they have already decided I judge and mistreat my dss and that I think my ds is perfect.

 

I think many people on this board who struggle with weight cannot even actually see me for the person I am. Their judgment is as clouded by their own issues as mine might be because I have never been overweight.

Neither have I. Weight is not, and never has been a struggle of mine.

 

I still feel incredibly bad for your DSS because I feel the judgment oozing out of you in your posts about his weight struggles. If I feel it across the continent, I’m sure he feels it being in the same room.

[Tammi K]

The doctor upped his blood pressure med a month  ago and had dss16  in for a BP check today.  ...

 

The weight is a problem.  I have no idea what to suggest next.  I will let dh deal with him.  I have resorted to keeping my snacks at work just so they don't all disappear in 3 days...  Same with a breakfast bar I bought for ds17...He got one out of the box....dss17 ate the rest.  I bought a box today and put in ds17's room.  I don't know what else to do....I never thought I would have to live with hiding food.

 

Edited to correct weight.

 

May I ask what the purpose of starting this thread was?   From the very first sentence, it was laced with disappointment, then  shock, then indignation.

 

People have given you suggestions. People have suggested counseling.  You get annoyed, you deflect, you even change circumstances - or at least you re-write your truth.

 

Just a bit ago, you replied to me that: "HE TOLD ME HE DID NOT WANT TO EAT."  ( CAPS all yours)  Yet, that's not what you said in post 18:  ....but he needs NOTHING if he just ate at school.  ( again, CAPS are yours.)

 

I can easily go back and pull out comments that serve only top paint the boy in a bad light: 

 

I just feel more and more annoyed and frustrated and irritated.

I don't know how he is eating the granola.  I just know it disappears.

.I don't have the time to babysit him and make sure he only eats the foods he is suppose to eat

Except for the part where my own son has to hide his food if he wants any.

He eats it all.  I cant' take all the food out of the house.

I provide PLENTY of those kinds of foods.  He eats them all and then eats everything else in the house.

I think I should  have told him no at Taco Bell.  I mean, I WANTED to.

He eats a lot more than my ds.....Dss never forgets to eat.

Well, what I have decided is to leave it to dh for the most part.  Except for the part where I buy food for my son....that part I am now dealing with by putting it in ds's room....which if you knew me and what a freak I am about no food in bedrooms...yeah, desperate times here.

I have no idea why you think my attitudes about food aren't healthy.  I mean seriously.  I am not the one with a weight problem.

 

 

And this was only a few pages of the seven pages of posts so far.

 

So, I'm truly interested in what you hope to gain by bringing this up again as a new thread.  What is it you want people to tell you?  

 

[LarlaB]

I think many people on this board who struggle with weight cannot even actually see me for the person I am. Their judgment is as clouded by their own issues as mine might be because I have never been overweight.

I agree.

 

This is not the first thread where you have been crowd jumped and others have twisted your words actions and unfairly judged your intent. Lots of projection of issues and judgement from some well intentioned people, but frankly the condescension and character judgement should stopped or at least be called out on this thread.

 

You’re not imagining it Scarlet.

[Rosie_0801]

Does it have to be professional or can it come from me?  LOL..  *I* am the one who has worked very hard with him on this issue.  What do YOU want dss?  You would not believe how  many times he answers that question with what other people want.  And when I have gently continued to press back with 'yes, but how do YOU feel?  Yes but what do YOU want?'  He eventually peels back the layers until he gets down to what his wants are.  

 

My dd's most effective therapy comes from me. Perhaps the professional would be more effective than I am if she and dd were working from a shared narrative.

 

I talk to dd about code switching and the masks we wear a lot. They are useful to own, but you must be careful to take them off when you don't need them or they'll fuse to your head and your real face will atrophy.

[Tanaqui]

Scarlett, what sort of response were you even expecting when you posted this? You know how a lot of people on this thread feel about the way you speak about your stepson. You know the sort of advice you were bound to get if you posted about his weight... again. So why did you post it here?

 

Either those of us who are critical are right and your entire family could benefit from some therapy, or we're just big ol' meanies who like to be mean to you for no reason. If you don't think it's the former, then you must think it's the latter. So why ask us for our opinions or help or support? You don't like the suggestions, and you're not getting the support.

 

On another note - did your nearly adult stepson give you permission to share his personal medical information with strangers? Because that's pretty inappropriate. This isn't just "Help, how do I handle asthma?" but, like, really private stuff. And you don't use names, but I'm fairly certain that a dedicated sleuth could figure them out based just on your posts... and a determined hacker would take even less time to identify you.

[Scarlett]

Scarlett, what sort of response were you even expecting when you posted this? You know how a lot of people on this thread feel about the way you speak about your stepson. You know the sort of advice you were bound to get if you posted about his weight... again. So why did you post it here?

 

Either those of us who are critical are right and your entire family could benefit from some therapy, or we're just big ol' meanies who like to be mean to you for no reason. If you don't think it's the former, then you must think it's the latter. So why ask us for our opinions or help or support? You don't like the suggestions, and you're not getting the support.

 

On another note - did your nearly adult stepson give you permission to share his personal medical information with strangers? Because that's pretty inappropriate. This isn't just "Help, how do I handle asthma?" but, like, really private stuff. And you don't use names, but I'm fairly certain that a dedicated sleuth could figure them out based just on your posts... and a determined hacker would take even less time to identify you.

Why would anyone do that? I am venting on an anonymous message board about my frustrations with my life.....I am not attacking anyone here or giving anyone any reason to hack my identity or track me down.

 

Wow.

[Scarlett]

My dd's most effective therapy comes from me. Perhaps the professional would be more effective than I am if she and dd were working from a shared narrative.

 

I talk to dd about code switching and the masks we wear a lot. They are useful to own, but you must be careful to take them off when you don't need them or they'll fuse to your head and your real face will atrophy.

I like this a lot.

[Scarlett]

Scarlett, what sort of response were you even expecting when you posted this? You know how a lot of people on this thread feel about the way you speak about your stepson. You know the sort of advice you were bound to get if you posted about his weight... again. So why did you post it here?

 

Either those of us who are critical are right and your entire family could benefit from some therapy, or we're just big ol' meanies who like to be mean to you for no reason. If you don't think it's the former, then you must think it's the latter. So why ask us for our opinions or help or support? You don't like the suggestions, and you're not getting the support.

 

On another note - did your nearly adult stepson give you permission to share his personal medical information with strangers? Because that's pretty inappropriate. This isn't just "Help, how do I handle asthma?" but, like, really private stuff. And you don't use names, but I'm fairly certain that a dedicated sleuth could figure them out based just on your posts... and a determined hacker would take even less time to identify you.

Is there a rule where I have to post for help or advice? I was venting because I am frustrated. Yet, I also do glean helpful things from the posters who care to be kind instead of attacking me. I am also not required to agree with people just because they have a strong opinion or think they know more than I do about my life and my family's life.

[GoVanGogh]

Why would anyone do that? I am venting on an anonymous message board about my frustrations with my life.....I am not attacking anyone here or giving anyone any reason to hack my identity or track me down.

 

Wow.

The internet is far from anonymous. And - people that would likely hack aren’t posting on the boards.

 

My small world anonymous homeschool board experience:

I was at a party a few years ago and this lady was telling a funny vacation story about her and her sister taking their kids on a cross country trip.

More than a year later, this lady on a homeschool board posted a comment about that trip. I immediately made the connection.

Shortly after that, I was again at a party (kid’s birthday party for mutual friend). I asked her - Hey is your sister... Yes, she was.

It was funny and I am harmless. But one never really knows who is reading or why.

[bettyandbob]

I think some people have been a bit hard on the OP. I get that there's a lot of frustration in her posts. That frustration doesn't mean she is voicing that to her dss. She is expressing frustration to people other than him. Additionally, I cannot believe that she makes him feel bad. He chose to live with his father and stepmother. It was his choice. If the op treated him so awfully I'm not sure he'd make such a choice.

 

I do think the op, should stop worrying about it. I've had a teen boy who was overweight. You can make all the tools in the world available to fix the problem. He has to use them.

[Tanaqui]

Why would anyone do that? I am venting on an anonymous message board about my frustrations with my life.....I am not attacking anyone here or giving anyone any reason to hack my identity or track me down.

 

Because sometimes people do bad things, and they don't need a reason. Even if nobody would ever do that, my bigger point still stands. You should not be posting personal information like this. It's not safe, and it's not appropriate. You wouldn't want your parents posting your medical history for all to see, even if they called you DD instead of Scarlett.

 

Is there a rule where I have to post for help or advice?

 

 

I just wonder why keep posting the same old things when you know it's just going to stir up drama.

 

(And for the record? Nobody here is harder on you than you are on your stepson. If you think we're attacking you because we are frustrated at your behavior, then perhaps you should consider how your own words look.)

[Corraleno]

And really you guys can quit 'hurting' for him.  He may be struggling with his weight and I know that is hard, but he has a good life and good opportunities and he has a step mother who is doing her  best by him.  And he is where he chose to be.  He wasn't kicked out of his mom's and he wasn't forced to come live with his dad and horrible step mother.

 

"Choosing" the least-bad option doesn't mean he's happy with his current situation. Insisting that he must not be unhappy or feel judged or unwanted, since he "chose" his dad over his totally dysfunctional mother, is missing the point. If your standards for being a good stepmother are "at least I treat him better than his totally neglectful, mentally unhealthy bio mom," then I guess by those standards you're doing a bang-up job. If your standards are "loving and supporting this child as my own and doing everything possible to help him get mentally and physically healthy,"  then I'd say you've got quite a ways to go.

 

But my sense from this thread, and previous threads, is that you are basically just hoping he will move out soon so you can have "your" house back and stop worrying about someone else's kid who's not even your "real" family.

[Scarlett]

Because sometimes people do bad things, and they don't need a reason. Even if nobody would ever do that, my bigger point still stands. You should not be posting personal information like this. It's not safe, and it's not appropriate. You wouldn't want your parents posting your medical history for all to see, even if they called you DD instead of Scarlett.

 

 

 

I just wonder why keep posting the same old things when you know it's just going to stir up drama.

 

(And for the record? Nobody here is harder on you than you are on your stepson. If you think we're attacking you because we are frustrated at your behavior, then perhaps you should consider how your own words look.)

If people don't want to read my 'same old things' they are free to keep scrolling.

[Scarlett]

 

"Choosing" the least-bad option doesn't mean he's happy with his current situation. Insisting that he must not be unhappy or feel judged or unwanted, since he "chose" his dad over his totally dysfunctional mother, is missing the point. If your standards for being a good stepmother are "at least I treat him better than his totally neglectful, mentally unhealthy bio mom," then I guess by those standards you're doing a bang-up job. If your standards are "loving and supporting this child as my own and doing everything possible to help him get mentally and physically healthy," then I'd say you've got quite a ways to go.

 

But my sense from this thread, and previous threads, is that you are basically just hoping he will move out soon so you can have "your" house back and stop worrying about someone else's kid who's not even your "real" family.

I understand you think I am a bad step mother. And I understand you think this house is Dss's best of bad options. You don't know me or my dss. You do not read me right if you think I am not doing my best for him. And if you think he is miserable you are wrong. Why you think you know more about him than I do is a mystery.

 

I am glad I don't base my value on your words.

[Katy]

If you don't like low carb because it limits vegetables (I agree), I might suggest you point him towards the author of A Pound of Cure.  It's by a bariatric surgeon who says that being overweight isn't his fault because weight is too strongly controlled subconsciously to be anyone's fault.  He has loads of studies to back it up, but basically some people are genetically more susceptible to processed foods and the brain & hormonal changes they create than others are.  The way to fix that is to eat more produce (at least a pound a day) and limit other options.  If that doesn't work for a variety of reasons, then surgery followed by the diet afterwards. 

 

The surgeon has an extensive YouTube channel to explain how this works.  I would text DSS the link to the YouTube channel, tell him it was recommended on a message board as the most effective diet your internet friend ever tried, and say that if he likes the sound of resetting his metabolism but still being able to eat what he wants in smaller quantities without it being so hard, you'll buy the book for him.

 

[unsinkable]

Is there a rule where I have to post for help or advice? I was venting because I am frustrated. Yet, I also do glean helpful things from the posters who care to be kind instead of attacking me. I am also not required to agree with people just because they have a strong opinion or think they know more than I do about my life and my family's life.

I don't agree with everything you posted...But I wish you and your family the best in working this out. I think you're a very straightforward person who posts at some very vulnerable moments.

 

I know I'm not seeing the hours and days and weeks in your life where things are great with your DSS. I don't think it is right to judge your whole mothering relationship by what you do when you're frustrated.

[Katy]

I will warn you though, the above book will still require pretty huge quantities of food though, so it's not cheap.  It's just the quantities will be in vegetables instead of calorically dense foods like granola, nuts, or breakfast bars.

[Sandwalker]

 

 

I am sorry you are struggling.

 

Nothing in your above post about me is actually true. About the Taco Bell incident I am going to say one more time what happened exactly. I knew there was no food in the house. So when dss got home I told him we would go get lunch before the doctor. I planned to stop somewhere where we could eat healthy. I told him that. HE TOLD ME HE DID NOT WANT TO EAT. I did not decide he didn't deserve to eat. I don't know how much time had passed because I wasn't with him when he ate at school, but I chose to get a quick bite vs doing a sit down lunch because HE TOLD ME HE DID NOT WANT TO EAT.

 

I do not see everything he does as inferior. I do not see and judge his every move.

 

I did a search of my posts for the past year and I had a couple about dss and a couple about ds. Several times when I was complaining about something my son did to make me nuts people ASSUMED I was talking about my ss and I had to correct them. They ASSUMED that because they have already decided I judge and mistreat my dss and that I think my ds is perfect.

 

I think many people on this board who struggle with weight cannot even actually see me for the person I am. Their judgment is as clouded by their own issues as mine might be because I have never been overweight.

So you are saying that we are fat, so we are taking your ss's side? [emoji23] I'm a normal weight 59-yr old vegan with a normal weight husband and 2 normal weight adult children. Ds was getting lazy and a bit chunky at about 10 years old, so we enrolled him in martial arts. We went vegetarian around that time, as we were eating healthier. He never did get overweight, and is slender at 24, kickass strong, and also a great vegan chef on the side.

 

Your stepson will be fat his whole life if the adults in his life do not help him.

 

He can cook? Then have him fix dinner one night a week: you or dh choose the healthy menu, and have ss shop for and cook it. Feeding other people is healing, especially healthy food that they say 'yum' about. And this way, he'll be learning healthy cooking for his future, and you guys all get a meal you didn't have to prepare. Win win win win.

[Scarlett]

I don't agree with everything you posted...But I wish you and your family the best in working this out. I think you're a very straightforward person who posts at some very vulnerable moments.

 

I know I'm not seeing the hours and days and weeks in your life where things are great with your DSS. I don't think it is right to judge your whole mothering relationship by what you do when you're frustrated.

I think you have just made a very important point. I post when I am vulnerable. I need to stop that.

 

Thank you.

[Elizabeth86]

I think you have just made a very important point. I post when I am vulnerable. I need to stop that.

 

Thank you.

Well I am quite guilty of this too.

[Sandwalker]

If you don't like low carb because it limits vegetables (I agree), I might suggest you point him towards the author of A Pound of Cure. It's by a bariatric surgeon who says that being overweight isn't his fault because weight is too strongly controlled subconsciously to be anyone's fault. He has loads of studies to back it up, but basically some people are genetically more susceptible to processed foods and the brain & hormonal changes they create than others are. The way to fix that is to eat more produce (at least a pound a day) and limit other options. If that doesn't work for a variety of reasons, then surgery followed by the diet afterwards.

 

The surgeon has an extensive YouTube channel to explain how this works. I would text DSS the link to the YouTube channel, tell him it was recommended on a message board as the most effective diet your internet friend ever tried, and say that if he likes the sound of resetting his metabolism but still being able to eat what he wants in smaller quantities without it being so hard, you'll buy the book for him.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4unGmmTw6I

^

[Scarlett]

 

So you are saying that we are fat, so we are taking your ss's side? [emoji23] I'm a normal weight 59-yr old vegan with a normal weight husband and 2 normal weight adult children. Ds was getting lazy and a bit chunky at about 10 years old, so we enrolled him in martial arts. We went vegetarian around that time, as we were eating healthier. He never did get overweight, and is slender at 24, kickass strong, and also a great vegan chef on the side.

 

Your stepson will be fat his whole life if the adults in his life do not help him.

 

He can cook? Then have him fix dinner one night a week: you or dh choose the healthy menu, and have ss shop for and cook it. Feeding other people is healing, especially healthy food that they say 'yum' about. And this way, he'll be learning healthy cooking for his future, and you guys all get a meal you didn't have to prepare. Win win win win.

What a great idea. Which is why we have done that since he moved here. He almost always cooks one night a week. And I take him grocery shopping with me me often. Or he stops and picks up ingredients on his own. ,

[eternalsummer]

I am also a normal weight and have not had weight problems in the past (although I do eat too many cookies sometimes).  DH is skinny and the kids range between skinny and normal.

 

I can understand struggling with addiction even if the addiction is not one I personally have.

[Sandwalker]

What a great idea. Which is why we have done that since he moved here. He almost always cooks one night a week. And I take him grocery shopping with me me often. Or he stops and picks up ingredients on his own. ,

You know, people here are trying to help. There are other things we could be doing and reading at this moment.

 

I see now that you have all the answers already, everything is peachy in your life, and you just posted at a vulnerable time. Have a nice night!

[Garga]

My sons both went through a stage where they got rounder than they should have.  I could not believe how much anxiety that produced in me.  They were/are picky eaters and it was about impossible to change their eating habits.  And they don't like joining activities.  Every time I'd try to get them to do something physical, it was a huge fight, like rolling a giant boulder up a hill.

 

They're not overweight now, but aren't exactly thin and slender either and I still get flare ups of anxiety about their weight because I'm afraid it'll tip in a bad direction.  I do my very, very, very best to hide it and not mention it.  It's hard now that it's December and there is just so much junk food around everywhere we go and I worry that they'll start gaining weight again.

 

If they were the weight of the OPs ss and had the medical issues, I would be about out of my head with misery over it.  When you *know* that the rest of the world will hate on your kids because they're fat, when you *know* that they will have a host of medical problems in their lives, and when you *know* that the odds are strong that they'll die young from their weight, it is very, very difficult to handle.  All you can see for them is a lonely and bleak future. 

 

Now, in my stronger moments, I knew that it wasn't all horrible, but the fear of the worst case scenario was strong and overpowering.

 

So, OP, I can see why you come on here and vent about it.  There's a lot of fear involved in seeing someone that you love and are responsible for struggle with weight issues.  And mom (and step-mom) gets totally blamed for it.  "Why isn't she doing something about her son's weight?"  You *know* that people are thinking that.  

 

I have no advice, but I do think I have felt what you have felt of fear and anxiety and misery that comes from watching someone you love and are supposed to care for be overweight and they Will Not cooperate with you when you try everything you can think of to help them.  I can completely see coming here to vent because inside you feel so helpless and hopeless.

Edited December 20, 2017 by Garga

[Lady Florida.]

May I ask what the purpose of starting this thread was?   From the very first sentence, it was laced with disappointment, then  shock, then indignation.

 

People have given you suggestions. People have suggested counseling.  You get annoyed, you deflect, you even change circumstances - or at least you re-write your truth.

 

 

 

So, I'm truly interested in what you hope to gain by bringing this up again as a new thread.  What is it you want people to tell you?  

 

 

Scarlett, what sort of response were you even expecting when you posted this? You know how a lot of people on this thread feel about the way you speak about your stepson. You know the sort of advice you were bound to get if you posted about his weight... again. So why did you post it here?

 

 

 

This is what I keep wondering. Even if it's just venting you've been here long enough to know people will respond. Most people here try to help. Yet every suggestion that doesn't agree with you you'e either tried and he failed (because this appears to you to be a character flaw) or it won't work. You've posted about him often enough to know what kind of responses you'll get. By the same token you've posted about him often enough that we should know not to offer help. 

 

You know, people here are trying to help. There are other things we could be doing and reading at this moment.

 

I see now that you have all the answers already, everything is peachy in your life, and you just posted at a vulnerable time. Have a nice night!

 

I think some of us have just reached an exhaustion point with these threads. Perhaps it's time we just stop giving advice and let Scarlett have the echo chamber she seems to want.

[ktgrok]

If you posted looking for a way to help him, the answer is to have him get help from bariatric specialists, the people that are experts in dealing with the disease of obesity. 

 

If you don't want to do that, well....I guess there is nothing left to say. 

 

I will say that i don't blame you for his weight. i don't blame my mother for my weight. I do think this is out of your ability to change, and that is why you need to bring in the experts. A good bariatric center will have a many pronged approach including therapists, nutritionists, possibly medication, etc. 

[desertstrawberry5]

If you posted looking for a way to help him, the answer is to have him get help from bariatric specialists, the people that are experts in dealing with the disease of obesity. 

 

If you don't want to do that, well....I guess there is nothing left to say. 

 

I will say that i don't blame you for his weight. i don't blame my mother for my weight. I do think this is out of your ability to change, and that is why you need to bring in the experts. A good bariatric center will have a many pronged approach including therapists, nutritionists, possibly medication, etc. 

 

 

all of this as well as the family counselling recommendation is not a judgement on your parenting ability.

 

You are absolutely right that blending a family is hard. Parenting teens is hard. Parenting teens who entered your life late is hard. Coparenting is hard, especially when everyone is not on the same page. 

 

Family counselling is specifically for these issues. It does not mean you are dysfunctional. It means you could use a little help doing something that is hard. 

 

Same with the specialist. Most of the US population is overweight/obese. If it were easy, it would not be a problem for so many people. If you have done everything you can for this kid, and you are worried about his health, if nothing is working, then it's time to ask for extra help. 

 

This is a sensitive topic for a lot of people. If it's super easy and you've never once had to think about an extra pound, god bless you. That sounds amazing. It's a lovely problem to not have. But that puts you in the minority. I don't think you've been treated fairly by everyone here. Because this is a hot topic for most people, even if not for you. 

 

 

[Mimm]

These threads. :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:

 

You refuse to listen to anyone's ideas or suggestions unless they validate exactly what you are already doing, so can you please just do the community a favor and tag them with JAWM.

[Scarlett]

Well I will be giving dh the information.. don’t know if he will take him to a specialist or not.

[Scarlett]

Thanks to all who posted. There are some good ideas along with the bad. It is good to be able ti see various viewpoints even if I don’t agree.

[Liz CA]

Why would anyone do that? I am venting on an anonymous message board about my frustrations with my life.....I am not attacking anyone here or giving anyone any reason to hack my identity or track me down.

 

Wow.

 

It's not really anonymous. And in the past people have been stalked on this very board by some people with too much much time on their hands and who knows what nefarious motives - these kind of people don't need a reason.

 

Just saying so you can be aware.

[Scarlett]

You know, people here are trying to help. There are other things we could be doing and reading at this moment.

 

I see now that you have all the answers already, everything is peachy in your life, and you just posted at a vulnerable time. Have a nice night!

 

I have posted here before how dss and I cook together and how I take him shopping . No one remembers the good things. Only the negative I post when I am frustrated.

Edited December 20, 2017 by Scarlett

[Liz CA]

My parents didn't divorce so I have no personal experience, but I remember reading about a study concerning this. The conclusion of the study was that kids who had one parent die and the other parent did not remarry had significantly better outcomes/fewer problems/less stress than kids whose parents divorced and remarried. 

 

Sorry, it's been several years and I don't remember where I read about it, so no link.

 

 

Yes, this was the finding and presumably because even children know that divorce is a choice (for some it is the only choice but kids seldom can comprehend this) but death is not something we choose - it happens to us. When a parent "leaves" because s/he died, eventually kids realize it was not what the parent wanted either. In a divorce, kids often think a parent chooses to leave and they feel left behind and not loved enough for the parent to stick around. It's typical difficult for kids (especially younger ones) to grasp the context.

[OneStepAtATime]

If you posted looking for a way to help him, the answer is to have him get help from bariatric specialists, the people that are experts in dealing with the disease of obesity. 

 

If you don't want to do that, well....I guess there is nothing left to say. 

 

I will say that i don't blame you for his weight. i don't blame my mother for my weight. I do think this is out of your ability to change, and that is why you need to bring in the experts. A good bariatric center will have a many pronged approach including therapists, nutritionists, possibly medication, etc. 

I agree.  Scarlett, I don't blame you for his weight or your attempts to work within a difficult situation and I do believe you want to help and have probably done a lot of things to help him out.    

 

But you yourself are posting here because what is being tried at home is not working and you are frustrated/unhappy/uncertain what to do next.  This post was not started with a JAWM.  You seemed quite clearly to be seeking some suggestions.  If you were hoping for some quickly miracle that would be easy to implement at home, such a hope is not realistic (although I don't think you were actually expecting some miracle quicky thing that you and your DH had somehow missed, TBH.  I think you just needed to vent and I understand that.).  If controlling and turning around morbid obesity were easy then no one would be morbidly obese.  The fact is it is HARD to deal with morbid obesity.  This is NOT strictly about his needing more self-control.  It really, really isn't.  There are HUGE physiological and psychological road blocks that can tank attempts to get this under control.  And you are dealing with a teen boy, which is a whole other ballgame from a fully grown mature adult male. 

 

Right now he is still underage.  Right now you and your DH can have a significant positive impact on this issue by not only accepting that what you are trying at home is not working (and I do realize you have been trying, but the approaches being used are obviously not effective long term for this particular child) but also accepting that it is time to seek further options from experts.  The GP may actually NOT be the best one to turn to with this issue.  Why?  Because professionals sometimes get tunnel vision.  They see things through only one lens that may actually not apply to the person they are treating.  BTDT.   Because the GP, in his specific circumstances, was able to lose a lot of weight he is assuming your ss can do the same following the same path he did.  But each person is different, with different strengths and weaknesses and struggles and issues, and the GP is not a medical profession specifically trained to deal with adolescent obesity. 

 

ktgrok's posts and suggestions and the things that others also have posted along those lines might help.  Those are the posts I hope you and your DH will take seriously and consider.  Mentally chuck out the posts that do not actually provide you with solid suggestions.  Don't let your frustration over the tone of some posts cause you to disregard the genuinely helpful suggestions.  Truly, ktgrok and others have made suggestions that are sound.  These options have actually helped others, lots of others, and could genuinely help your ss.  Hoping he will "gain more self-control" will almost certainly not fix what he is dealing with.  Isn't it worth it to at least try?  He is running out of time.  Do research on what is offered in your local area.  Find out if there are bariatric specialists available.  Present the information to your DH in a positive light.  See if he would at least be willing to get his son an evaluation through a bariatric specialist trained in adolescent issues.  This has been a good solution for many.  What if it were the solution for your ss?

 

Hugs.  I hope things get better for all of your sakes.

Edited December 20, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[Scarlett]

My sons both went through a stage where they got rounder than they should have. I could not believe how much anxiety that produced in me. They were/are picky eaters and it was about impossible to change their eating habits. And they don't like joining activities. Every time I'd try to get them to do something physical, it was a huge fight, like rolling a giant boulder up a hill.

 

They're not overweight now, but aren't exactly thin and slender either and I still get flare ups of anxiety about their weight because I'm afraid it'll tip in a bad direction. I do my very, very, very best to hide it and not mention it. It's hard now that it's December and there is just so much junk food around everywhere we go and I worry that they'll start gaining weight again.

 

If they were the weight of the OPs ss and had the medical issues, I would be about out of my head with misery over it. When you *know* that the rest of the world will hate on your kids because they're fat, when you *know* that they will have a host of medical problems in their lives, and when you *know* that the odds are strong that they'll die young from their weight, it is very, very difficult to handle. All you can see for them is a lonely and bleak future.

 

Now, in my stronger moments, I knew that it wasn't all horrible, but the fear of the worst case scenario was strong and overpowering.

 

So, OP, I can see why you come on here and vent about it. There's a lot of fear involved in seeing someone that you love and are responsible for struggle with weight issues. And mom (and step-mom) gets totally blamed for it. "Why isn't she doing something about her son's weight?" You *know* that people are thinking that.

 

I have no advice, but I do think I have felt what you have felt of fear and anxiety and misery that comes from watching someone you love and are supposed to care for be overweight and they Will Not cooperate with you when you try everything you can think of to help them. I can completely see coming here to vent because inside you feel so helpless and hopeless.

Thank you. And it is worse being the step mom. It really is tough.

[KungFuPanda]

I have posted here before how dss and I cook together and how I take him shopping . No one remembers the good things. Only the negative I post when I am frustrated.

Oooh, does dss aspire to be a vlogger? I’ll bet if he had a channel and got super into healthy cooking and weight loss, he would have quite the following and online support as he gradually lost weight. He could maybe even make a few bucks eventually.

 

I have a book called Fast Food Fix and it has lighter, lower sodium recipes for fast food favorites. The taste is close enough to take the edge off a craving. A Big Mac is in there and the Taco Bell Mexican pizza. The flavors are REALLY close.

[Scarlett]

Oooh, does dss aspire to be a vlogger? I’ll bet if he had a channel and got super into healthy cooking and weight loss, he would have quite the following and online support as he gradually lost weight. He could maybe even make a few bucks eventually.

 

I have a book called Fast Food Fix and it has lighter, lower sodium recipes for fast food favorites. The taste is close enough to take the edge off a craving. A Big Mac is in there and the Taco Bell Mexican pizza. The flavors are REALLY close.

I don't know. Ds mentioned to him that there were a lot of students eating gluten free and the culinary program should work on some recipes they could eat. Dss seemed excited by the idea...

[scoutingmom]

I have no knowledge that Taco Bell is any sort of special trigger for dss. And your husband can live without alcohol...I can't live without food.

 

My son is not underweight. He is a good weight.

Lets make this simple. Pretty much any fast food is almost certainly a trigger for someone struggling to lose weight (especially huge amounts of weight) unless that specific food is repulsive to them for some reason.

 

I don't know why you are arguing about it. The fact that he ordered and ate it when he had just eaten bears witness to that....

 

But I know your interpretation was entirely to blame him and look down at his lack of will power.

[scoutingmom]

 

 

My sons both went through a stage where they got rounder than they should have. I could not believe how much anxiety that produced in me. They were/are picky eaters and it was about impossible to change their eating habits. And they don't like joining activities. Every time I'd try to get them to do something physical, it was a huge fight, like rolling a giant boulder up a hill.

 

They're not overweight now, but aren't exactly thin and slender either and I still get flare ups of anxiety about their weight because I'm afraid it'll tip in a bad direction. I do my very, very, very best to hide it and not mention it. It's hard now that it's December and there is just so much junk food around everywhere we go and I worry that they'll start gaining weight again.

 

If they were the weight of the OPs ss and had the medical issues, I would be about out of my head with misery over it. When you *know* that the rest of the world will hate on your kids because they're fat, when you *know* that they will have a host of medical problems in their lives, and when you *know* that the odds are strong that they'll die young from their weight, it is very, very difficult to handle. All you can see for them is a lonely and bleak future.

 

Now, in my stronger moments, I knew that it wasn't all horrible, but the fear of the worst case scenario was strong and overpowering.

 

So, OP, I can see why you come on here and vent about it. There's a lot of fear involved in seeing someone that you love and are responsible for struggle with weight issues. And mom (and step-mom) gets totally blamed for it. "Why isn't she doing something about her son's weight?" You *know* that people are thinking that.

 

I have no advice, but I do think I have felt what you have felt of fear and anxiety and misery that comes from watching someone you love and are supposed to care for be overweight and they Will Not cooperate with you when you try everything you can think of to help them. I can completely see coming here to vent because inside you feel so helpless and hopeless.

What is worse is knowing your (step-)parent is judging you for being fat.

 

"And mom (and step-mom) gets totally blamed for it. "Why isn't she doing something about her son's weight?" You *know* that people are thinking that." - (sarcasm on) oh, the shame! Having a fat family member! Gasp. (Sarcasm off). I am shaking my head and I do not have the words. May your loved ones never know that you are ashamed of them like this.

[Garga]

 

What is worse is knowing your (step-)parent is judging you for being fat.

 

"And mom (and step-mom) gets totally blamed for it. "Why isn't she doing something about her son's weight?" You *know* that people are thinking that." - (sarcasm on) oh, the shame! Having a fat family member! Gasp. (Sarcasm off). I am shaking my head and I do not have the words. May your loved ones never know that you are ashamed of them like this.

 

 

Ookaaay. Yeah. You are totally misreading this. A person can feel compassion and love for the child who has the weight issue. A person can feel despair for the child, knowing how hard the world is on them. A person can feel frustration when everything they try to do to help falls flat. A person can feel the sting of being blamed for something that is out of their hands. A person can feel the sense of failure that they are letting their loved one down. A person can feel all those things, all at the same time. Feeling one doesn't negate feeling the others.

 

Nice how you ignored the part in the post about feeling the anxiety of seeing your child take steps into a hostile world that will hate on them for their weight and all you managed to get out of my post was the part where the also parent feels the weight of the world's judgement and the frustration of trying to help while nothing works.

 

Haven't you ever felt frustration about trying to help your kids in some area with huge consequences and it doesn't work? Haven't you ever felt the sense of failure? And just because the child also is feeling frustrated and like a failure doesn't negate the fact that you do, too. If you have, then you understand. If not, then...you don't.

 

I know you're convinced that Scarlett has totally messed up this kid and doesn't llke him, but I'm not so sure that narrative is true. I think she has come on here when she's at her lowest and out of all hope or ideas, when her anxiety is at it's highest. Over the course of the posts, she either gains encouragement to go on, she gets new ideas, or she gets talked down and gains perspective.

 

I hope they take him to a bariatric place.

[jewellsmommy]

Thanks to all who posted. There are some good ideas along with the bad. It is good to be able ti see various viewpoints even if I don’t agree.

This is meant to be a supportive and helpful post, I hope that it is:

 

I don't think you are to blame for his weight, his inability to consistently lose weight, or his level of physical activity. You have bent over backwards to get him to appts and shop and help. You also are in a situation where you don't feel that you can make decisions to act on some of the suggestions or help that pertain to dss. I get all that. I honestly do!

 

 

The things I think you should "hear" in these posts:

 

1.Obesity is a complex issue with complex causes that the medical community are still figuring out. So, please don't think that there is an easy fix. Once you look at the potential factors: mental health, genetics, hormones, etc. it is difficult to understand and even harder to correct... be patient with the process.

 

2. You are not stopping him from eating, you are not saying unsupportive things to him (as I understand your posts) -that's good...however, you are displaying judgement and frustration about when and how he eats.

It comes across to us. It is most likely visible to him despite your very best efforts. Even if you don't think it is. I don't think you are a bad stepmom at all. He just has an issue that you don't understand. Don't compare (even silently to yourself) your dss to your son.

 

Don't compare their level of activity, their portion size, their frequency of eating etc. It will help YOU and your frustration level if you stop thinking in a comparative manner. They have different genetics, were (and still are to some extent) under different parental guidance, formed different food related habits, have different mental states etc. 

 

3. Understand that this will likely be a lifelong battle for dss. Let that drive your compassion for him. It is not a character flaw or moral failing on his part. Accept that you won't fully understand this and just accept that he doesn't have the level of control to fix this that you think he has. I'm sure you already appreciate him for who he ie and find enjoyable qualities in him. Just don't conflate the number on the scale with who he is.

 

I hear compassion for your ds in your posts about how dss's problem affects him. That's ok to recognize, but it seems a bit disproportionate. If I remember correctly, you are a believer/person of faith. Understand that perhaps God plans to use this time in your ds's life to experience and learn how to support  dss with this issue even if it means having to adjust his snacks or meals. There may be someone significant in your ds's future like a wife (especially after childbirth) that may struggle in this way. Take this time of challenge for yourself to do the same.

 

I may not be a stepparent, but dh and I parented a non-bio child for 7 years through stuff way worse than this. I know the emotions you have spoken of here (the blame, the unappreciated work, etc). I watched dd struggle and suffer in a very tangible way because of an issue that was not hers. She sacrificed and was hurt repeatedly - I hope and pray that it was for a reason, that it taught her and grew her and prepared her for something. Sure it was unfair. Life was unfair to all of us in the process. I had to stop thinking like that. 

 

I truly hopes a morsel of this helps you and your dss.

[Scarlett]

Ookaaay. Yeah. You are totally misreading this. A person can feel compassion and love for the child who has the weight issue. A person can feel despair for the child, knowing how hard the world is on them. A person can feel frustration when everything they try to do to help falls flat. A person can feel the sting of being blamed for something that is out of their hands. A person can feel the sense of failure that they are letting their loved one down. A person can feel all those things, all at the same time. Feeling one doesn't negate feeling the others.

 

Nice how you ignored the part in the post about feeling the anxiety of seeing your child take steps into a hostile world that will hate on them for their weight and all you managed to get out of my post was the part where the also parent feels the weight of the world's judgement and the frustration of trying to help while nothing works.

 

Haven't you ever felt frustration about trying to help your kids in some area with huge consequences and it doesn't work? Haven't you ever felt the sense of failure? And just because the child also is feeling frustrated and like a failure doesn't negate the fact that you do, too. If you have, then you understand. If not, then...you don't.

 

I know you're convinced that Scarlett has totally messed up this kid and doesn't llke him, but I'm not so sure that narrative is true. I think she has come on here when she's at her lowest and out of all hope or ideas, when her anxiety is at it's highest. Over the course of the posts, she either gains encouragement to go on, she gets new ideas, or she gets talked down and gains perspective.

 

I hope they take him to a bariatric place.

 

 

Yep.  And I truly do appreciate the voices of reason.  

 

I talked to dh a long time this morning and he is definitely on board to get him to a specialist.  And a counselor.  And the gym.  And a sleep study maybe.  

 

Dss will be going to his mom's in a few days and it is the holidays so we will have to wait until the first of the year to get moving.  In the meantime I spend my free time gathering information, sorting through the various layers of opinion vs facts vs. somewhere in the middle.