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ok, I'm really depressed...

bettyandbob

By bettyandbob,
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bettyandbob

bettyandbob

Posted
Posted

I just need to say it to someone. 

 

I no longer enjoy Christmas. I've been the chief coordinator of decorating, presents and family traditions. I've asked for help on presents from dh for years. This year I am not decorating. I bought a few presents. I sent dh a list of what I got and said I can do no more. I clarified that point this morning. I think dh got the message now. 

 

My mom keeps calling me for ideas. I want to say to her "Christmas is awful for my family. It's been awful for a few years. I don't and won't have any ideas on what you should give your grandchildren. They are young adults and probably just need money."  I can't actually do that. 

 

Starting tomorrow I'm working some long hours through 12/31 except for 12/23 and 12/25. My boss has taken a new job and his last day is 12/20. The person who will be in charge is not prepared and disorganized (he will work very hard, but not very smart, he will spend time putting out fire after fire and miss some fires). I've already seen this person's management in another area. So, I'm stressed. My anxiety is out of control. 

 

I'm going back to cleaning my house. I vacuumed my bedroom and that feels good. 

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scrapbookbuzz

scrapbookbuzz

Posted
Posted

:grouphug:  You know, I don't think it's just you this year. I was thinking this morning how it is almost the middle of December and it just doesn't seem like "Christmas time." So, yes, I'm coming from a different perspective but I wanted you to know that everything seems a bit "off" to me, too.

 

If you want to talk through the anxiety, feel free to PM me, because I struggle with that, too, and have found some good natural remedies that help with that.

 

Why do you think you're  stressed about gifts and suggestions? Is it possibly a carry-over from knowing what work will be like now due to the old manager leaving and the new, less-adept manager now in his place? You said you'll be working some long hours, starting tomorrow. Is that part of your stress, as well?

 

Just know that you are amongst friends here and so many of us really can relate to what you're going through!  :grouphug:

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ILiveInFlipFlops

ILiveInFlipFlops

Posted
Posted

:grouphug: I'm sorry. I know you've posted in the past about the difficulties around Christmas, and the whole job thing just adds another layer. I think it's completely fine to just not deal with it. Definitely tell your mom to give the kids money or Amazon gift cards if that's all they need. If she doesn't want to do that, it's her problem to handle. 

 

Hang in there.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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ErinE

ErinE

Posted
Posted

I think you can say your children just need money and leave it at that. I would sugar coat it, but not ask for anything more.

 

I’m sorry Christmas has been rough for so long. I completely understand wanting to take a step back from festivities and reduce your stress, especially since you are so busy. I hope things will improve for you soon.

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Spryte

Spryte

Posted
Posted

I’m so sorry that it’s hard. It’s okay to give yourself permission to just *not do everything*. Really.

 

You don’t have to be the planner, coordinator, gift buyer, decorator, chef, housekeeper, etc.

 

Someone here, one year, said to just do what makes you feel good for Xmas, and let the other stuff go. So maybe pick out one or two things that say “Christmas†to your heart, do those, and let it all go. Someone else will pick up the other stuff, if it matters to them.

 

Gift cards or cash for all, food from a restaurant or catered or even Wegman’s.

 

Just focus on you, and your self care. ((Hugs))

 

If this was a JAWM and my response was too much, just ignore me.

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NorthwestMom

NorthwestMom

Posted
Posted

((Diana))

 

Can I just say, my fondness for the Fourth of July has grown exponentially since I became The Matriarch? It's a holiday with no gifts, decor not required, no cultural pressure for extended family gatherings, "traditional" foods are low-pressure (Burgers! Hot dogs! Popsicles!), and the main events are looking at a parade and looking at fireworks. YESSSSSSSSS

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Spryte

Spryte

Posted
Posted

((Diana))

 

Can I just say, my fondness for the Fourth of July has grown exponentially since I became The Matriarch? It's a holiday with no gifts, decor not required, no cultural pressure for extended family gatherings, "traditional" foods are low-pressure (Burgers! Hot dogs! Popsicles!), and the main events are looking at a parade and looking at fireworks. YESSSSSSSSS

That made me LOL, and I’m now dreaming of the Fourth. Thank you!

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happypamama

happypamama

Posted
Posted

((Diana))

 

Can I just say, my fondness for the Fourth of July has grown exponentially since I became The Matriarch? It's a holiday with no gifts, decor not required, no cultural pressure for extended family gatherings, "traditional" foods are low-pressure (Burgers! Hot dogs! Popsicles!), and the main events are looking at a parade and looking at fireworks. YESSSSSSSSS

This is pure gold. I normally dislike July 4th — I dislike heat and crowds — but now I will view it differently.

 

Diana, I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. I have always found Christmas stressful and not an easy holiday. Gifts aren’t my love language, so I stress about that. I have nothing on my list at all, can’t come up with a single thing. The one thing I want most will never happen in this lifetime, and the other things I want can’t be wrapped and put under a tree. I am well loved and well cared for, but everything feels like a consolation prize. This time of year is forever ruined for me. If it weren’t for my other children and feeling like I need to make an effort for their sakes, I’d skip the whole holiday. (Otoh, after the last year, and while they’re anxiously worried about a good friend of theirs who is fighting hard for his life right this second, wanting to make a good experience for them keeps me from sinking into my own grief, so that’s good.)

 

Bah humbug. :). May we all find some joy this Christmas.

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mommyoffive

mommyoffive

Posted
Posted

Sounds like it is time to make a change. 

 

Tell your mom they want cash or giftcards or tell the kids to make their own lists and give them to her.  Done.  Not your problem. 

 

 

Make your dh do something.  Done.  I made it long ago that dh wrapped all the presents.  Sure I could do it, but so could he.  I used to do all the shopping and then he helped.  Some of the stuff I wouldn't have wasted $ on but he did it.  A few years he did everything shopping and wrapping.  I think it is what we let them get away with.  Like raising kids.  I remember getting this piece of advice on my first baby.  Have the dad do something.  Even if you don't like the way he does it.  And have something that is all his.   From the get go it was bath and bedtime.  He still handles it all and has from day one 11 years ago.  

And it has led to more.  

I think we have to let some go to our husbands even if we might not like the way they do it.  From the tree to the decorating. 

 

Do your kids live at home?  Can they do some of it?

 

Can you make work any less stressful?  Planned meals?  Work ahead of time?  Take time off later?  A spa day soon? 

 

But also make each holiday what you want it to be too.  What do you want to do for Christmas?   We can let go of things and change them to do what makes us happy.  

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mommyoffive

mommyoffive

Posted
Posted

((Diana))

 

Can I just say, my fondness for the Fourth of July has grown exponentially since I became The Matriarch? It's a holiday with no gifts, decor not required, no cultural pressure for extended family gatherings, "traditional" foods are low-pressure (Burgers! Hot dogs! Popsicles!), and the main events are looking at a parade and looking at fireworks. YESSSSSSSSS

 

Yes so true. 

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Storygirl

Storygirl

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry. I'm stressed, too.

 

I understand how having relatives ask for gift ideas can be stressful. In our case, I want to choose what we will give to our kids first, before giving out ideas to the relatives, but they start asking before we've made our own decisions. It makes me feel pressured and anxious. Also, DH never has any ideas for himself, and his birthday is also in December, so I have to come up with the ideas to tell others, as well as come up with the things the kids and I will buy him.

 

This year I asked DH to help, and he has tried to be the intermediary for his family, so that I don't have to do that part. But he wasn't actually getting any of the shopping done, which ended up being stressful for me, too. I just wanted the shopping done, so that I could stop worrying about it.

 

I know the worrying is anxiety in my case. These same things probably would be no big deal for others, but for me, it equals stress.

 

Plus, I have a hard enough time managing the day to day things around the house, and all of the decorating, baking, shopping, wrapping is just EXTRA. More things to do means more anxiety for me.

 

I should be able to enjoy the actual holiday. It's all that leads up to it that stresses me out.

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bettyandbob

bettyandbob

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thanks everyone. I got through today. Thankfully, I forgot I have a few meals frozen in the freezer. That will help me this week. 

 

It is not the end of the work that I will have a new boss. The transition is just going to be rough. I still have a job and aside from one person the people are friendly. 

 

I have a plan for Christmas. Similar to last year. I'm still working on accepting that my family can't do a whole family time together (reasons somewhat explained last year), but I do have a plan for two of my kids. We have no decorations. I used to make multiple gingerbread houses. I used to make cookies. I think we will still have a game night on Festivus with the neighbor (I will have to cook for that I think, but it is a fun evening--thinking about that doesn't drain me.) I still need to talk to my mom and I don't want to. 

 

I can do this. I might break down again, but I'll be OK. It was just a hard day and hopefully tomorrow will be better. 

 

Thank you!

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Jenny in Florida

Jenny in Florida

Posted
Posted (edited)

Just in case misery really does love company . . . 

 

I'm struggling a lot this year, too.

 

My kids aren't speaking to each other. It's far too complicated and depressing to get into why. This has been going on for months, and has caused such tension and drama that my daughter opted not to come home for Christmas. (She has since decided to visit for a couple of days after the holiday, on the condition that my son is not here.) Pretty much every relationship strand in our family is being strained by the situation. 

 

My son -- who was due to transfer to the four-year university this spring and finally finish up his B.A. in two or three semesters -- is flunking two classes, including one required for the A.A. the university is expecting him to have before transferring. He's more than capable of doing the work, but just makes everything else a higher priority than school. It's entirely possible the university will revoke his acceptance, and I honestly have no clue how to help him move forward. If he stalls out on the degree now, I can't imagine he'll scrape up the motivation to make another run at this. 

 

There's some real ugliness in our family history that is also rearing its head.

 

Oh, and did I mention that we're fighting off an invasion of ants in the house?

 

At this point, the only part of my life that's going well is work. It's not at all unusual for me to get in the car at the end of the day and cry because I have to go home.

 

I recently transitioned from part-time to full-time, which I've been working toward for a few years. And I'm enjoying the expanded opportunities and enlarged paycheck. However, it also means that, even without all of the above stressors, I would have less time and energy to devote to Christmas. As it is, the whole thing just feels like a slog. Even the things I normally love (shopping for the "angel tree" kids, for example) have turned into chores this year. 

 

I really, really, really want to drop some of the traditional stuff, but because of the tenuous situation with my daughter, I'm very sensitive to cutting back. The last thing I want is for her to feel slighted or like I am in any way withholding or backing off. So I have to be very, very selective about where I drop or cut back.

 

But, yeah, I am trudging through on sheer determination and without much of anything resembling joy.

 

I'm really sorry you are in a yucky place, too.

Edited by Jenny in Florida
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J-rap

J-rap

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry.   :grouphug:   I don't know if you want suggestions?  If you enjoy the Christmas spirit generally, then don't depend on others (dh), but just make it very, very simple.  My dh doesn't help with gifts either, but then he wouldn't give gifts at all if it were up to him!  (He's not a humbug, just has a thing against materialism in general!)  Go simple with traditions -- or make new, super easy ones.  You can give gift cards to everyone this year and leave it at that.  Tell your parents the same.  Play Christmas music, and eat store-bought Christmas cookies.

 

I can't say enough that it's okay to make new traditions, or even to change it up every year!  You can still retain the Christmas spirit.  Last year we ate out at a restaurant on Christmas Eve for the first time (that's when we celebrate).  It was really great!  Most years we get a tree, but some years we don't.  But I always light candles and play Christmas music.

 

Sometimes it's the littlest things...

 

 

 

 

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