Just for fun, would you consider this snooping?

[Arcadia]

My BIL’s wife is here with her sister on a work trip and bought stuff. She is now flying with her colleagues to another state today and MIL knows.

 

So now MIL is on WhatsApp with my husband and asking him to show her through WhatsApp video chat all the purchases SIL made that she left in our home as she will be flying back from SFO. MIL ask for the price on each item. (ETA: SIL told everyone on Facebook and MIL is a shopaholic with a handbag obsession)

 

My SIL is a very polite DIL while my MIL is busybody and big mouth. My husband doesn’t tell her anything he buys for my parents because he knows MIL will compare and kick a fuss.

 

However SIL didn’t leave any instructions so my husband just showed all purchases and price tags. He did tell his mom he didn’t know what is the final sale price.

 

Would you consider that snooping or normal behavior for MIL’s generation. She is in her 60s. FIL isn’t interested in handbags shopping or he would have asked too if the items were electronic goods.

 

The thing is we don’t know who the items are for. It could be SIL helping someone to buy or for herself or her own relatives. Her sister would hold on the purchases for their mom and so I assume the items are not with us.

 

ETA:

To be clear it would be an infringement of privacy on my side of the family. We are very private and clear about what could be shared.

My husband’s relatives tend to have no “privacy filter†and talks like public service announcements. So very different extended family culture.

Edited October 9, 2017 by Arcadia in CA

[Meriwether]

I think that is snooping.

[maize]

Snooping and very inappropriate, your husband should not have shown the items.

 

I don't think this is a matter of cultural disconnect either, I think it would be a boundary violation in most cultures.

[Rachel]

Wow. I would feel very violated.

 

Is it possible SIL was buying things for MIL?

[Janeway]

Not only is that snooping and bizarre, but I would be extremely angry at my husband if he went along with it. That is a serious violation of privacy.

[JumpyTheFrog]

What weird, inappropriate behavior.

[regentrude]

That is snooping.

Why on Earth did your husband agree to show her the items??? I find this completely inappropriate. They are not his purchases, and the prices are none of MIL's business. What was he thinking?

Edited October 9, 2017 by regentrude

[Jean in Newcastle]

Snooping. My Filipino MIL would do this and her Filipino relatives would think that she was inappropriate.

 

 

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[Rachel]

Is MIL from another country and SIL is buying things that can't be purchased there by chance?

[TravelingChris]

No,  snooping is not a generational thing.  I am in my mid 50's and don't do that and neither do my friends who are in their 60s and 70s and 80s.  OTOH, my daughter;s very disturbed (probably personality disordered) grand mother in law was digging in my daughter;s purse last Christmas Eve and pulled out her cell phone and tried to randomly type numbers but didn't get into her cell phone.  WTH know why but she is the kind of grandmother that gives one son's children 5000 dollars for Christmas but the other son's children 200 dollars. ANd of course she calls her grandson from son #2 all the time to come over and change lightbulbs, do yard work, etc.  when she has servants and lawn people already.  That kind of woman sneaks.   Normal, rational, well-meaning people do not.

[katilac]

Bizarre snooping on both of their parts. 

[Seasider]

Snooping and very inappropriate, your husband should not have shown the items.

 

I don't think this is a matter of cultural disconnect either, I think it would be a boundary violation in most cultures.

Agree. I'm so sorry your husband felt it necessary to comply with his mother's request. Truly none of her business, and none of your husband's. I hope it does not end up souring your relationship with your SIL.

[NorthwestMom]

Another vote for VERY inappropriate and weird. And your husband should not have shown her that information.

[Catwoman]

Another vote for weird and inappropriate -- and I also agree with everyone who is wondering what your husband was thinking when he gave her the information.

 

Honestly, I think your husband may have been even more out of line than your MIL was, if she is known for this kind of behavior and he went along with it.

[momacacia]

I consider it abnormal behavior for both your MIL's generation and your husband's generation. It is neither fun, not funny.

 

My mother is almost 80 years old and would not do this. Even in her old age she understands private, personal property.

 

Evidently your MIL and husband have too much time on their hands. Do they have jobs? If not, they need jobs and maybe a hobby to take the time and energy they'd otherwise use snooping into other people's business and private property. Hopefully SIL finds out and learns to develop better boundaries with MIL and her BIL, unless of course she doesn't mind people snooping through her personal property; and maybe she doesn't. Maybe that's a cultural or age thing, too. Idk.

 

Your SIL, however, sounds lovely.

[fairfarmhand]

Snooping

 

 

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[TABmom]

Obviously snooping. I want to know what your husband was thinking to give her the info.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The more I think about this the more I am appalled that your Dh protects his own privacy from MIL but not that of your SIL. I think that he should tell SIL and beg her forgiveness. And perhaps in the future she should stay at a hotel where people won't violate her privacy.

 

 

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[xixstar]

So strange - that's something you respond with "ask SIL" because it's not anyone elses' business. 

[elegantlion]

Snooping. I'm 50 and wouldn't dream of doing this. My mom is older and might ask to see items, not over the Internet, maybe in person. Prices violates a sense of privacy. How bizarre.

[OrganicJen]

If I'm understanding it correctly, the woman did some shopping and left her purchases in her brother's home, and her brother showed the purchases to their mom at their mom's request along with prices. Not cool, rude and definitely snooping.

[dsmith]

Definitely snooping, and in regards to the comment about SIL not leaving instructions, I have never felt I needed to tell anyone not to snoop while I'm away. I think that is just understood by most people. On the other hand, I have a very nosy sister, so when she is around I don't leave anything out and I make sure my computer is locked. If I leave the room for a second she will get into something if she doesn't have her nose in her phone.

[heartlikealion]

My BIL’s wife is here with her sister on a work trip and bought stuff. She is now flying with her colleagues to another state today and MIL knows.

 

So now MIL is on WhatsApp with my husband and asking him to show her through WhatsApp video chat all the purchases SIL made that she left in our home as she will be flying back from SFO. MIL ask for the price on each item.

 

My SIL is a very polite DIL while my MIL is busybody and big mouth. My husband doesn’t tell her anything he buys for my parents because he knows MIL will compare and kick a fuss.

 

However SIL didn’t leave any instructions so my husband just showed all purchases and price tags. He did tell his mom he didn’t know what is the final sale price.

 

Would you consider that snooping or normal behavior for MIL’s generation. She is in her 60s. FIL isn’t interested in handbags shopping or he would have asked too if the items were electronic goods.

 

The thing is we don’t know who the items are for. It could be SIL helping someone to buy or for herself or her own relatives. Her sister would hold on the purchases for their mom and so I assume the items are not with us.

 

Your husband feels comfortable doing this? I think you should discourage it/try to stop it.

 

Who knows what she spent, price tags aren't always right.

 

Doesn't seem right. I mean if I was at a family's home where people are visiting I wouldn't go through their luggage, not even my own siblings unless they told me to get something for them or there was an urgent need for something I thought was in their bag... even then I'd likely just ask them/call them to see if they had X I could borrow.

 

So this relative is your dh's SIL and he thinks that's ok? Am I understanding correctly?

[Arcadia]

Why on Earth did your husband agree to show her the items??? I find this completely inappropriate. They are not his purchases, and the prices are none of MIL's business. What was he thinking?

Because my BIL’s wife would say it’s okay if asked. She would say it’s no big deal and we are the one kicking a fuss because MIL is an elder and should be answered politely. My husband doesn’t quite get the “too polite to refuse†part because his sister would point blank say no. I would give her a MYOB look if asked so MIL won’t fish info from me.

[heartlikealion]

If I'm understanding it correctly, the woman did some shopping and left her purchases in her brother's home, and her brother showed the purchases to their mom at their mom's request along with prices. Not cool, rude and definitely snooping.

 

I don't know, because the OP didn't introduce her as "my SIL." She said, "My BIL's wife." So that tripped me up. This made me think OP's husband has a brother married to this woman. Why on earth would he think it was okay to go through his SIL's room/purchases and then report them back to his mom? Even if it was his own sister. Overstepping.

 

[Selkie]

That's awful behavior from both of them. It sounds like there are some weird boundary issues in your family. 

[bettyandbob]

What was your dh thinking. 

[heartlikealion]

Because my BIL’s wife would say it’s okay if asked. She would say it’s no big deal and we are the one kicking a fuss because MIL is an elder and should be answered politely. My husband doesn’t quite get the “too polite to refuse†part because his sister would point blank say no. I would give her a MYOB look if asked so MIL won’t fish info from me.

 

I think if you are aware of this scenario taking place you should step in and stop your dh/enlighten him. Which hopefully isn't too hard to do since your MIL isn't physically present. He could miss her call or have trouble with the app if necessary lol

 

[Catwoman]

Because my BIL’s wife would say it’s okay if asked. She would say it’s no big deal and we are the one kicking a fuss because MIL is an elder and should be answered politely. My husband doesn’t quite get the “too polite to refuse†part because his sister would point blank say no. I would give her a MYOB look if asked so MIL won’t fish info from me.

It wasn't your husband's place to tell her. Even if your BIL's wife would have said it was okay to tell, your dh should have told his mother that if she wanted to know, she should ask BIL's wife directly.

[Jean in Newcastle]

There are plenty of ways to be polite to elders without necessarily giving them what they want. I don't know anyone who has grown up in an Asian culture who doesn't know how to deal with this sort of thing. Your husband has already demonstrated that he knows very well how to navigate this sort of scenario when he protects your parents.

 

 

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[heartlikealion]

I don't understand why MIL knows that stuff was purchased or what that has to do with someone's flight schedule. Are they meeting her at the airport and want to know how much luggage will be going in the car? (not like prices are relevant) I'm so lost in MIL's logic

[Arcadia]

If I'm understanding it correctly, the woman did some shopping and left her purchases in her brother's home, and her brother showed the purchases to their mom at their mom's request along with prices.

 

 

The lady is my husband’s brother’s wife. She didn’t want to bring her shopping with her to another state while attending a work conference there. So she left the items with us for my husband to bring to SFO when she fly back here to fly home.

 

Unfortunately she posted on Facebook today that she shopped Columbus Day sales at the outlets and bought a lot of items. So my shopaholic busybody MIL video called using WhatsApp to basically fish for info.

 

 

So this relative is your dh's SIL and he thinks that's ok? Am I understanding correctly?

This relative is my husband’s SIL and he thinks it’s okay because she made statements like in-laws have the right to open their adult children’s mail and know their adult children’s salaries during past family gatherings. She scolded us for being secretive. So my husband assumed it’s okay.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't understand why MIL knows that stuff was purchased or what that has to do with someone's flight schedule. Are they meeting her at the airport and want to know how much luggage will be going in the car? (not like prices are relevant) I'm so lost in MIL's logic

Most Asians will buy gifts (at the very least) before going back home.

[Arcadia]

I think if you are aware of this scenario taking place you should step in and stop your dh/enlighten him. Which hopefully isn't too hard to do since your MIL isn't physically present. He could miss her call or have trouble with the app if necessary lol

 

I was in another room and they were on video conference so unless we have some agreed hand signals beforehand, it would be hard for my husband to catch on that he should accidentally drop the call. I mean if I say anything MIL would hear it. Edited October 9, 2017 by Arcadia

[Arcadia]

I don't understand why MIL knows that stuff was purchased or what that has to do with someone's flight schedule.

SIL posted on Facebook for all to know. My in-laws are on Facebook.

[heartlikealion]

Most Asians will buy gifts (at the very least) before going back home.

 

Lots of people buy gifts on trips but I'm not sure if this person is Asian or even far from home Did I miss something? I think you are just sharing an example of things people do but what I am asking is what specifically about this situation explains the MIL knowing about the shopping. Is it an assumptoin? Or did she maybe just ask OP's husband... " did so and so shop this trip? What did she get?"

 

Just seems like some level of prying might have been involved before the app even came into play.

[heartlikealion]

I was in another room and they were on video conference so unless we have some agreed hand signals beforehand, it would be hard for my husband to catch on that he should accidentally drop the call. I mean if I say anything MIL would hear it.

 

No, but maybe you can talk to him now so it doesn't happen again? Did he download the app just for her?

 

SIL posted on Facebook for all to know. My in-laws are on Facebook.

 

Ahh I see.

 

MIL should have asked her directly, as stated up thread. And just because she's okay with her parents opening her mail doesn't mean she'd be okay with her MIL doing it/doing similar? 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Lots of people buy gifts on trips but I'm not sure if this person is Asian or even far from home Did I miss something? I think you are just sharing an example of things people do but what I am asking is what specifically about this situation explains the MIL knowing about the shopping. Is it an assumptoin? Or did she maybe just ask OP's husband... " did so and so shop this trip? What did she get?"

 

Just seems like some level of prying might have been involved before the app even came into play.

The OP and her family are Asian.

[Sandwalker]

Some people are just nosy. One of my aunts always opens bathroom and kitchen cabinets, desk drawers, right in front of people. My dh CRINGES at this, so I just usher her away distracting her by offering a cupcake or some wine or something.

[heartlikealion]

Some people are just nosy. One of my aunts always opens bathroom and kitchen cabinets, desk drawers, right in front of people. My dh CRINGES at this, so I just usher her away distracting her by offering a cupcake or some wine or something.

 

I have to work up nerve to open someone's cabinet door looking for TP in their bathroom LOL

 

[Stacia]

Maybe your mil should have asked for more details through FB first, then if sil gave your dh permission, your dh could have shared photos/info w/ MIL.

 

Snooping, though, is my vote regardless (even if it is considered 'the norm' for this person &/or this family).

[Stacia]

I was in another room and they were on video conference so unless we have some agreed hand signals beforehand, it would be hard for my husband to catch on that he should accidentally drop the call. I mean if I say anything MIL would hear it.

 

I'm imagining you could work out a whole signaling routine! :lol:

 

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/c0/70/5c/c0705c026adacf78d40088a826c18492--funny-illustration-gemma.jpg

[zaichiki]

Yes. Snooping. I have Asian friends who have told me some older people in Asian cultures think nothing of this and, as your SIL has shown in the past, some younger people have no problem satisfying the older generation's desires. Still snooping though. 

[OneStepAtATime]

1.  Very inappropriate/snoopy/invasive.

2.  None of my elderly relatives would do this.  I have one younger in-law that would but she has no boundaries and is very much a shopaholic and obsesses with what people spend.  The only way to deal with it is to establish clear boundaries and stick to them.

3.  It is really not relevant, IMHO, what SIL said in the past, or that she posted on FB that she went shopping, or that she left no "instructions" regarding who should know what she purchased and how much she spent.  If anything, unless she left explicit instructions saying it was O.k. to share that information I would automatically assume that I did NOT have permission to snoop through her purchases and share what she bought and how much she spent with some other person, in-law, blood relative or whatever.  These are her purchases, no one else's, and she left them in your house as a sign of trust that her belongings would be safe.  To my mind that includes NOT snooping through said purchases and sharing items/cost with someone else.  If MIL wants to know what she spent MIL should ask the person who bought them.  Period.

4.  MIL isn't even asking the spouse of this woman (which is also not o.k. but this is even less o.k.), she is asking your husband, who is NOT married to this woman.  In my mind that is an even bigger violation of privacy.  If I were in that position I would explain to my husband that in future if his mother wants that information about someone else, she should ask that someone directly and he needs to tell her so.  Boundaries.  He doesn't have to be rude but he can absolutely establish boundaries.  He obviously knows how to do so since he has done so in the past.  Polite but firm boundaries.  Since obviously MIL doesn't seem to have any of her own.

[Okra]

The hive rarely agrees on something 100 percent.

 

The fact that everyone here thinks it was inappropriate should mean something.

 

Possibly, you can talk to your husband about why people think it was wrong.

[Arcadia]

He doesn't have to be rude but he can absolutely establish boundaries. He obviously knows how to do so since he has done so in the past. Polite but firm boundaries. Since obviously MIL doesn't seem to have any of her own.

Both my in-laws don’t have boundaries, just that MIL has a handbag obsession and SIL “broadcast†the fact that she bought handbags among other stuff on Facebook which she knows in-laws would see. My husband’s brother would actually tell his mom about his wife’s purchases but that is not something I can do about.

 

The thing is my husband’s idea of boundaries is that of not telling something of his own, like our kids exact scores. So since SIL told everyone (family and friends) she bought handbags, wallets, etc...and this SIL tend to “show and tellâ€, it doesn’t sink into my husband’s head that purchases are not public info.

 

His paternal relatives has a very “open†culture when it comes to purchases. They might go shopping on the way to someone’s house and then discuss purchases there. That is the kind of culture my husband grew up in. I have to explicitly tell him my extended family are private about purchases. My relatives do not like showing or discussing purchases.

 

So he kind of live by two sets of “house rulesâ€. When it comes to me and our kids, he follows my extended family’s privacy rules. When it comes to his parents, siblings and paternal relatives, he has no privacy filter.

 

So to me it is snooping but my paternal and maternal relatives are very private and would state out front what can be shared and with whom. His family talks like public service announcements and has the mentality of everybody knows everybody’s business.

 

My husband’s sister is very direct and will tell us what can be shared. My husband’s brother and wife is the one that tells us that nothing is a secret and everyone can know. So that is how my husband interpret it.

 

My husband drove this SIL yesterday for 8 hours for her to do her shopping despite recovering from flu. My husband don’t know how to read this kind of cues so I am kind of annoyed SIL didn’t explicitly say whether MIL could know about what she purchased. I know my husband’s brother is genuinely happy to tell all but I have no idea whether his wife is genuinely happy or just being polite.

 

I think my husband is going to be a little confused when I discuss with him since his brother is a tell all. I’ll just have to explicitly tell him that it is not his to tell and that his brother telling is their (brother and wife) business. His brother’s wife can get mad at his brother if she wants to or she really don’t care.

 

I’m just thankfully to be separated from them by the Pacific Ocean. When they visited, I left only bills out so they have something to snoop, like the expensive property tax bill.

[katilac]

I mean if I say anything MIL would hear it.

 

I would have been fine with that, lol. "Eek, honey, no! That's not your stuff to grab and show. M-I-L, you need to ask her directly." 

[maize]

When they visited, I left only bills out so they have something to snoop, like the expensive property tax bill.

This made me laugh. Nicely played!

[Elizabeth86]

That is just odd. No way my dh would go to the trouble to do this. His loyalty lies with sil over mil any day though, so...

[Arcadia]

Did he download the app just for her?

 

MIL should have asked her directly, as stated up thread. And just because she's okay with her parents opening her mail doesn't mean she'd be okay with her MIL doing it/doing similar?

He is using WhatsApp for work as well. His Australian relatives also chat by WhatsApp. So he can’t just delete the app. Besides my in-laws had use their other son’s iPhone to FaceTime my husband while they were at their son’s home.

 

She is okay with MIL opening their (BIL’s and hers) mail when in-laws are at her home, including things that have private and confidential printed on the envelope. This SIL grew up in a family culture that in-laws are the same “rank†as parents so since her mom can read her mail, her in-laws can read her mail. It is not like the Duggars in that the girls (SIL and her sisters) do go to college, can work for anyone, can date and choose their own life partners. It is more like the parents refuse to cut the apron strings.

 

I have a friend in the same kind of family culture where parents has “authority†over their adults kids stuff so she had to put her things in friends homes and redirect mail to a friend’s home. My friend’s sisters were outwardly willing for their parents to go through their stuff and scolded my friend for being secretive but they did not snitch on her, thank goodness.

 

My late paternal grandma behaves similarly to my in-laws but she was born during the 1900s, way before my in-laws who were born in the 1940s and 1950s.

 

ETA:

In this particular case, I do feel a little bad for my MIL. It is well known she has a handbag obsession and SIL have to make it known to MIL that she bought handbags. It’s like telling my alcoholic cousins that I have bought cheap but good wine. She shouldn’t snoop but I can understand the temptation for this particular case.

Edited October 9, 2017 by Arcadia