Running out of dutifulness, vent

[Laura Corin]

When my mum came to live with us, I knew it would be hard work in many ways, but there's an effect I hadn't expected. I am still being attentive to family and house. I look after myself (exercise, good food, meditation, limited hobbies). My job is suffering though. I just moved to a new job, thinking I was just bored with the old one. But I'm still having a hard time raising the motivation to get stuff done at work. I feel as if my limited pot of dutifulness is empty.

 

I don't have a choice - we need the money and the pension. I will need to work for another ten years at least. I just can't be bothered.

[Aura]

No words. Just  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Wheres Toto]

Usually when I felt like that at a job, what I needed was to learn something new or take on a challenge beyond the day-to-day monotony of the position.  Is there something like that you can do, or would it just make the rest of your life more complicated since the extra energy would have to come from somewhere else?

 

I find I need something in my life that challenges my brain.  If I'm not getting that at work or in my normal activities, I need to find it somewhere else.  Sometimes it's as easy as finding something challenging to read about.  I'm planning on joining the Great Courses Plus in September and starting to do one class at a time for myself.  In the past, I've returned to school for a few courses but that can be expensive and hard to justify, which is why I'm going with the Great Courses this time.

[Guest]

Have you had your annual physical? That kind of feeling can be more than lack of enthusiam for the work combined with no willpower reserve.

 

What in your life do you do that gives you a reason to get out of bed?

Edited July 2, 2017 by Heigh Ho

[zoobie]

Could you be depressed? :grouphug:

[MEmama]

:grouphug:

 

You have a lot on your plate. :(

[elegantlion]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Lady Florida.]

You've had a lot on your plate for quite some time now. I agree with those who say get a full check up. And in the meantime,  :grouphug:

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  I've BTDT. Sometimes there are just too many obligations. I hope someone here will have some great advice. 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

:grouphug:   You're doing a lot of full time jobs at once.  Hang in there.

[Laura Corin]

Usually when I felt like that at a job, what I needed was to learn something new or take on a challenge beyond the day-to-day monotony of the position.  Is there something like that you can do, or would it just make the rest of your life more complicated since the extra energy would have to come from somewhere else?

 

The new job actually presents some decent challenges: it's at a higher grade with more analytical tasks.  

 

I just finished reading The Wake, which is a modern novel written in a version of Old English; I listen to four or five episodes of In Our Time per week (while running or gardening) so I am building my education as much as I probably can at present.

 

Have you had your annual physical? That kind of feeling can be more than lack of enthusiam for the work combined with no willpower reserve.

 

What in your life do you do that gives you a reason to get out of bed?

 

My immediate family gives me joy.  I get great solace from meditating most mornings.  I look forward to singing Faure's Requiem in November.  I am learning to love running - I'm almost at the end of the Couch to 5K programme.  I'll see the doctor though.

 

Could you be depressed? :grouphug:

 

I don't think so - I live with two people being treated for clinical depression and I don't see the symptoms in me.  I'll talk to the doctor though.

[eternalsummer]

Consider that duty, or dutifulness, is what you call it when you don't want to do it but are still doing it.  

[Laura Corin]

Consider that duty, or dutifulness, is what you call it when you don't want to do it but are still doing it.  

 

Absolutely.  I don't want to be looking after my mother (that's not going to change unless her health changes - there are no better options, this has been well considered).  And currently I don't seem to want to work either.  I talked to my husband and he is feeling similarly 'used up' on the duty front.

[trulycrabby]

I am caregiving too, and it helps if you can emotionally remove yourself from the person and think of him or her as just a person who needs help and compassion such as if you were a hospital nurse and this is your patient. I know it's much harder to do so when your patient is your mum, but keep trying and the grace may come. I have good and bad days, we are only human after all... :grouphug:

[Laura Corin]

I am caregiving too, and it helps if you can emotionally remove yourself from the person and think of him or her as just a person who needs help and compassion such as if you were a hospital nurse and this is your patient. I know it's much harder to do so when your patient is your mum, but keep trying and the grace may come. I have good and bad days, we are only human after all... :grouphug:

I thought I'd reached that stage but I seem to be in duty overload. Because after all I wouldn't want to be looking after a stranger in my home either. Edited July 2, 2017 by Laura Corin

[katilac]

Does your mom stay home alone while you work? If so, could she stay home for a weekend if you have someone checking on her? A couple of days away might help. 

 

Any adult daycare or other respite available? iirc, you have a brother who lives away and isn't involved with her care. Does he have any money to throw at the situation in lieu of active help? You could pay someone to sit with her, or better yet, take her out if that's possible. It might be a mental relief to stay at home while she is out occasionally. 

 

Consider that you may have situational depression as opposed to clinical depression - they can look very different because the causes are very different. Situational anxiety is a possibility as well. It sounds like you are already doing what you can on your own (good self-care), and many doctors will offer the option of medical treatment. It doesn't mean you necessarily take the meds for the duration of the situation. 

 

I'm sorry, it's such a hard situation. My parents are okay on their own right now, but definitely getting older. I am fervently hoping that we get both kids at least well-established in college before they start needing a lot of help, because I don't feel able to stretch much further at the moment. 

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Guest]

Work has to hae something rewarding about it to make you want to come and get things done. If not the immediate chores, then the team mission must hold your interest in order to motivate. Any chance of changing things up a little to find a sense of purpose?

 

Is there help.that could come in during the day for your mother, and lighten your load p,us give her something to look forward to?

[Acadie]

Does the feeling come from responding to external needs and contingencies too much of time (kids, elder care, work), and not enough space to do what you please? Especially after several decades of the same, and the contrast with the increasing freedom you had before your mum moved in? 

 

From Jennifer Louden I learned about desire retreats. This can be an hour, a day, a weekend or a week--whatever you have. Just go and do whatever your spirit moves you to do. You don't even have to do self-care if you don't feel like it. Take a nap. Stare at the ceiling. Go to the farmer's market. Eat chocolate, drive as far as you can get, go to a movie, stay overnight with a friend or at a hotel or hostel or whatever. Read. Binge-watch a TV series. Go out with friends, have a sleepover after. Talk with strangers. Just listen for whatever you feel like doing next.

 

No to-do list, no plans you must fulfill. It will look different depending on the day, whether you're an introvert or extrovert, and how much time you have. If you're able to fit in short desire retreats, try to schedule a longer one. 

 

Since dh is feeling the same, can you get away together? Or at least spell each other so you each get time to yourselves? I like the idea of calling on whatever family or paid help you can access to make this possible.

 

Sometimes the to-do list needs to take a backseat to just doing whatever you desire. What must get done will get done. Schedule your breaks, your freedom, your whimsy, your creativity, your open season, so these things become a bigger part of your life.

 

There's nothing like guilt about neglecting my everyday responsibilities to help me feel more willing to live up to them ;)

 

Amy

 

 

Edited July 3, 2017 by Acadie

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

 

Caring for elders is hard.

[lewber]

I hope you can find something that will help. I've had a very limited dose of this for just the last two weeks and I am so surprised how much it exhausted me. Part of it was duty, and part was the fact that my need for downtime never happened.

I can see how hard it must be for you.

Good luck finding some solutions.

[Guest]

I'm sorry. I understand how that can happen.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Hugs. People realistically only have so much to give. I have no advice except trudge on but I think you need to be gentle with yourself. Your plate is full.

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

[madteaparty]

You sound burned out. I was like this a few yrs ago, changed my work schedule to part time and still ended up quitting. I regret that now and am looking for a way to get the same exact part time schedule, but I have a perspective I couldn't have had but for the break. I don't know how one takes a break without toppling the whole apple cart :(

[Selkie]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[SparklyUnicorn]

:grouphug:

[Laura Corin]

You sound burned out. I was like this a few yrs ago, changed my work schedule to part time and still ended up quitting. I regret that now and am looking for a way to get the same exact part time schedule, but I have a perspective I couldn't have had but for the break. I don't know how one takes a break without toppling the whole apple cart :(

 

Yes.  I work for the only big local employer and if I dump out of the job I'll find it very hard to make my way back in.  I'm going away later this month with my immediate family while my brother stays with my mum, so I'm hoping to come back more capable of coping.  Until then, I'll just keep going.

 

[Jenny in Florida]

I can't provide much beyond hugs and commiseration. I have fewer burdens and stressors on my plate than you do at the moment (no aging parent, in my case, for example, but issues with one of my kids that keep a fairly constant low-level of worry percolating), and I'm still feeling burned out and uninspired. 

 

The last couple of weeks, especially, I find I'm dragging myself through my work week looking toward the weekend, only to find myself listless and lost until work starts again.

 

Work is fine, not ideal, but better than it was for a while.

 

Life at home is fine, far from great, but solidly okay and generally somewhat better than it has been.

 

My health is fine, with some ongoing issues, but currently stable and/or getting a bit better.

 

I continue to work on self-education and exploring hobbies and interests.

 

But, yeah, the subtext of pretty much every day is "I don't wanna."

 

If you find the answer, I would be everlastingly grateful if you'd share.

 

 

Edited July 3, 2017 by Jenny in Florida

[Annie G]

Laura, how long have you felt like this? I found myself feeling much the same way you describe and in April I was about on the edge.  I didn't really change anything but I feel a LOT better.  Well, maybe I changed one thing. I let dh know I wasn't handling the stress well and that I was serious. (Caring for his folks is what put me over the edge, as his mom has dementia and two kinds of terminal cancer)   Work suffered, which is weird because I LOVE what I do. 

 

So I'm not really any help, except to say that maybe you'll find that like me, eventually you get your groove back.  But it really did help for me to tell dh exactly what I was feeling.   Do you feel that your spouse does as much as he can do to help you? 

[Laura Corin]

Do you feel that your spouse does as much as he can do to help you?

Yes. He's brilliant.

[Annie G]

Yes. He's brilliant.

 

That makes such a big difference, doesn't it? Knowing you're in it together. Dh has a sister who takes care of the folks when we're not there and her dh doesn't help much.  I know it really bothers her and adds to her stress. 

 

I hope you get some good ideas here. 

[wintermom]

When my mum came to live with us, I knew it would be hard work in many ways, but there's an effect I hadn't expected. I am still being attentive to family and house. I look after myself (exercise, good food, meditation, limited hobbies). My job is suffering though. I just moved to a new job, thinking I was just bored with the old one. But I'm still having a hard time raising the motivation to get stuff done at work. I feel as if my limited pot of dutifulness is empty.

 

I don't have a choice - we need the money and the pension. I will need to work for another ten years at least. I just can't be bothered.

 

Well, out of family, self and job, it sounds like being less-than-perfect with the job is an excellent choice. It's hard to be 100% committed to everything in life every day. This season in life, the job may suffer a tiny bit, but in a few years you will have fewer other pressures and the job may have a more positive role in your life.

 

Just take things year by year, instead of looking down the road 10 years imagining that your mom and kids will still be as tiring to you.

[EmilyGF]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Audrey]

You've had a lot on your plate for quite some time now. I agree with those who say get a full check up. And in the meantime,  :grouphug:

 

I agree, too.  While it won't change your home situation, a check up may be an opportunity to explore if some depression is also at play, and if so, you can get some support for that. 

 

Laura, you've put so much into your mum, it's no surprise the well is running dry.  I do hope you can find some ways to get through it.  I wish I could say it's just one season in your life, but we both know it's already been a long one and likely to be longer still.  I understand and sympathize.   :grouphug:

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[frogger]

There is only so much any one person can give and sometimes a body can get tired. Period. There are times in life when I wondered if I was ever going to be allowed to be human or was I just a robot who must go on and on and on. It did end and life did get easier. Wish I had something helpful to say but all that I can say is, " I understand and I hope it gets better".

[Laura Corin]

Well, out of family, self and job, it sounds like being less-than-perfect with the job is an excellent choice. It's hard to be 100% committed to everything in life every day. This season in life, the job may suffer a tiny bit, but in a few years you will have fewer other pressures and the job may have a more positive role in your life.

 

You're right.  The problem is, I realise now, that in a new job you can't just coast.  You need to constantly put yourself out there (ask questions, meet new people, understand processes....) otherwise you can't get to a steady state of less-than-perfect.  I was slipping into less-than-perfect at the old job and thought that what I needed was a new challenge.  Instead, I think, I needed to do exactly what you suggest and accept that the job would putter along being the easy bit of my life.

 

Oh well, in six months this job should be easy.

[wintermom]

You're right.  The problem is, I realise now, that in a new job you can't just coast.  You need to constantly put yourself out there (ask questions, meet new people, understand processes....) otherwise you can't get to a steady state of less-than-perfect.  I was slipping into less-than-perfect at the old job and thought that what I needed was a new challenge.  Instead, I think, I needed to do exactly what you suggest and accept that the job would putter along being the easy bit of my life.

 

Oh well, in six months this job should be easy.

 

I was just reading Victor Hugo's Les Miserables last night, and this observation hit home for me, "... and now for a long time, he (Marius) had discontinued his work, and nothing is more dangerous than discontinued labour; it is habit lost. A habit easy to abandon, difficult to resume. ... The poor man who is generous and noble, and who does not work, is lost. His resources dry up, his necessities mount up."

 

This new job for you will get easier once it's habit. All the best! 

Edited July 4, 2017 by wintermom