YaelAldrich Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 (edited) I will probably delete this after a bit, so please don't quote. My oldest (almost 16) is in the 19th grade at a private religious school and his grades have taken a big nosedive since last year and are getting worse every quarter, going from As and Bs to mostly Cs. He doesn't go to school on time, leaves class early, puts his head on his desk. He says it is because he does not like the school anymore. His set of friends has changed to the one super-rich kid in his class. This family lives large to say the least. He is there most of every weekend. His behavior towards us has become very strained, even to his siblings. Last week he burned the hairs off his arms in some stunt of which my husband won't tell me the details, and he has recently been describing stupid and dangerous plans he thinks he should do (putting hand sanitizer on his hands and lighting them on fire). He wanted to change schools and after visiting them, he chose another school which will be double the price of the current school (almost 40K a year). He said he would rather go to public school but that is not an option as the city schools here are very poor. I've offered him virtual public school which he refuses since he wants to socialize. I watched him interact with his grandparents who are willing to pay for this school and his reactions were like a person on drugs, maybe pot? I am going to take him to the doctor to get tested for drugs ASAP. What should I know? Obviously I am not going to tell him ahead of time. His hair is in a short buzz so getting hairs surreptitiously cannot happen. Any help or hugs are welcome. :( Edited May 1, 2017 by YaelAldrich 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 Well, I probably wouldn't be surreptitious. I'd call my gp and ask them to order a drug test for your son based on those behaviors and symptoms, then take him down the LabCorp or Quest and have it completed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 :grouphug: You might want to ask the doctor's office. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YaelAldrich Posted April 30, 2017 Author Share Posted April 30, 2017 Would anyone have any experience with choosing between home urine tests and going to the MD? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 I would ask an attorney about the ramifications of a positive illegal drug test in a minor. Is the doctor required to report to authorities? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted April 30, 2017 Share Posted April 30, 2017 A doctors visit sounds like a better bet to me. It's possible that there could be another issue - some types of mental illness can show up at that age. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YaelAldrich Posted April 30, 2017 Author Share Posted April 30, 2017 A doctors visit sounds like a better bet to me. It's possible that there could be another issue - some types of mental illness can show up at that age. He is seeing a LCSW who just says he is having "adjustment issues". 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 (edited) Just throwing this out there. I hope it's not drugs. One possibility is he just wants to show you that you can't control him. I have a neighbor whose daughter did not want to attend parochial school. Neighbor and her dh said she must attend that school. In response the daughter did no school work and failed all classes for 9th grade. The daughter got her wish to attend public school after that. The neighbor and her dh got an expensive lessons in how stubborn their dd was. My oldest frequently did things just prove I couldn't control him, despite the fact that his actions affected grades and his future. Being the parent of a teen can really bring you to some depths. Good luck. :grouphug: Edited May 1, 2017 by Diana P. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 @Yael: I don't know what an LCSW is or how that would make one qualified to make that statement ("adjustment issues"). Pure B.S.. I think a Board Certified Psychiatrist would be qualified to determine whether or not he is using drugs and whether or not he has physical illness or mental illness that are causing this destructive behavior. . I would be concerned for his health and safety, along with that of the rest of the family. What you have described is probably caused, as you well suspect, by drug abuse or a severe mental illness, or both. However, the young man he is hanging out with is probably the one who has caused this, and you would need to try to keep your DS away from him. Sending him to a super expensive school is not going to change him back to the person he was a year or two ago. A drug rehab program, if that's his problem, might help him. Psychiatric help might help him. He will only change if he wants to change. You cannot do that for him. I believe he is a danger to himself and to you and your family. I will include him and your family in my prayers and I hope that God will help you. If you are paying USD$20K a year for a private High School, do they have a Counselor you can talk with, or a Vice Principal or someone? They are probably well aware of his changes in behavior, lack of studying, poor attendance, etc. For $20K a year, hopefully they can give you some insight into his problems. Look into Drug Rehab programs if that is his most important issue. Look into a Psychiatric in-patient program, if it turns out that he is not on drugs. Possibly both. Spend your $20K a year on getting him help, while it might be possible for him to change. That would save his life. Depression is one possible cause of his bizarre behavior. Drugs is another possibility. Maybe both. Please be careful... 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 @Yael: I don't know what an LCSW is or how that would make one qualified to make that statement ("adjustment issues"). Pure B.S.. I think a Board Certified Psychiatrist would be qualified to determine whether or not he is using drugs and whether or not he has physical illness or mental illness that are causing this destructive behavior. . I would be concerned for his health and safety, along with that of the rest of the family. What you have described is probably caused, as you well suspect, by drug abuse or a severe mental illness, or both. However, the young man he is hanging out with is probably the one who has caused this, and you would need to try to keep your DS away from him. Sending him to a super expensive school is not going to change him back to the person he was a year or two ago. A drug rehab program, if that's his problem, might help him. Psychiatric help might help him. He will only change if he wants to change. You cannot do that for him. I believe he is a danger to himself and to you and your family. I will include him and your family in my prayers and I hope that God will help you. If you are paying USD$20K a year for a private High School, do they have a Counselor you can talk with, or a Vice Principal or someone? They are probably well aware of his changes in behavior, lack of studying, poor attendance, etc. For $20K a year, hopefully they can give you some insight into his problems. Look into Drug Rehab programs if that is his most important issue. Look into a Psychiatric in-patient program, if it turns out that he is not on drugs. Possibly both. Spend your $20K a year on getting him help, while it might be possible for him to change. That would save his life. Depression is one possible cause of his bizarre behavior. Drugs is another possibility. Maybe both. Please be careful... Lanny, a LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker and is qualified to diagnose, so not BS. Adjustment issues is an actual set of diagnoses - "adjustment disorder w/ anxiety, adjustment disorder w/ depression, adjustment disorder, with behavioral issues, and a few others". YaelAldrich, I don't have much in the way of advice, but :grouphug: . 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I would treat the recent hair burning and verbalization of hand sanitizer/fire as a danger to self and would consider a psychiatric hospitalization. That might sound extreme but that type of behavior and verbalization is very serious in my humble opinion. If he tests positive for drugs what is your plan? What is your plan if he does NOT test positive? A full inpatient psych eval may be the best course since having him tested at the doctor's office may strain any trust he has in you and your husband. Will he know or suspect the doctor's office is testing for drugs? My heart goes out to you. The changes you describe are signs of substance abuse/mental illness and should be taken seriously. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 For Post #12: +1 Absolutely dead-on. He is a Minor and at this age his parents can get help for him that they would not be able to get for him, if he were 18 and an "Adult". Yael, jelbe5 has given you what is probably the only way for you to save him. I believe that is Suicidal behavior or a step towards Suicide. What jelbe5 wrote t is not extreme. That is probably the minimum that is required at this time. . 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 (edited) I'm sorry, I keep getting this post wrong, so forgive me if you've seen the multiple edits... is this the son who had mono but was sent back to school instead of healing completely? That may be an important factor for the doctors and psychiatrists to know about. I hope he will be safe and well, and that you'll find out what to do for him. Edited May 1, 2017 by Tibbie Dunbar 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Good luck OP! I tend to think that when Mom thinks there's a problem, there is a problem! But also, maybe, take heart? My friends and I did some of the dumbest stuff when we were teens, and we weren't psychotic or on drugs. (Yet) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YaelAldrich Posted May 1, 2017 Author Share Posted May 1, 2017 I would treat the recent hair burning and verbalization of hand sanitizer/fire as a danger to self and would consider a psychiatric hospitalization. That might sound extreme but that type of behavior and verbalization is very serious in my humble opinion. If he tests positive for drugs what is your plan? What is your plan if he does NOT test positive? A full inpatient psych eval may be the best course since having him tested at the doctor's office may strain any trust he has in you and your husband. Will he know or suspect the doctor's office is testing for drugs? My heart goes out to you. The changes you describe are signs of substance abuse/mental illness and should be taken seriously. That seems like a rather large jump, no? We know people who have been involuntarily and voluntarily hospitalized for mental health. They clearly cannot be trusted to not harm themselves. (Some) Teens do stupid things. I know I did some dumb stuff and friends of mine did really dumb stuff and we are all still alive and functioning. I just don't know if this is drugs, regular dumb bunny teen stuff, or mental health issues. I do not what our plan would be if he tests positive.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YaelAldrich Posted May 1, 2017 Author Share Posted May 1, 2017 I'm sorry, I keep getting this post wrong, so forgive me if you've seen the multiple edits... is this the son who had mono but was sent back to school instead of healing completely? That may be an important factor for the doctors and psychiatrists to know about. I hope he will be safe and well, and that you'll find out what to do for him. He didn't have a head injury, rather mono. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I would treat the recent hair burning and verbalization of hand sanitizer/fire as a danger to self and would consider a psychiatric hospitalization. That might sound extreme but that type of behavior and verbalization is very serious in my humble opinion. If he tests positive for drugs what is your plan? What is your plan if he does NOT test positive? A full inpatient psych eval may be the best course since having him tested at the doctor's office may strain any trust he has in you and your husband. Will he know or suspect the doctor's office is testing for drugs? My heart goes out to you. The changes you describe are signs of substance abuse/mental illness and should be taken seriously. Jelbe makes some very good points. However, you'll need to do your homework before you show up at an emergency room. First, you need to know which ER handles mental health in adolescents. In Houston, I had to take my son downtown and then we had to wait for about 40 hours to get admitted to the adolescent ward at the mental health hospital. And that was because we were lucky. The ER staff were telling us that we would likely have to stay in the ER all weekend waiting for a space. This might not be the case where you live (I sincerely hope not) but forewarned is forearmed. I think there would have been more beds available if GW had a substance abuse issue or was suicidal but not violent toward others. We had to stay with GW at all times so we needed to have at least two adults with us so we could buy food and use the bathroom (it doesn't have to be a parent, I had 2 teachers from GW's ABA program with me until dh could get home from overseas) so plan in advance. The only med they'd administer was benedryl so there was very little relief on that front. It was literally the most stressful experience I've ever lived through. I hope you have better resources near you than we do. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 He didn't have a head injury, rather mono. I'm hoping he just got tired, and found a silly friend who is a bad influence, and started to give up rather than power through the semester feeling bad...maybe a pp is correct that he's acting out in order to not be controlled, finding himself unable (subsequently unwilling) to step up to the challenges of his school. I hope it's a comparatively easily redeemed situation - maybe with some setting and friendship changes, and professional help with the known issues - and not drugs or mental illness at all. I hope so. I've got four sons (two grown, and two teens) so I know how scary it is to not be sure what's going on with a young man. I'm glad you'll be able to consult with doctors and other professionals. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Yael-- I'm so sorry you are facing this. I have dealt with chronic, life-altering, very serious drug use in someone close to me. My brother-in-law is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in self-harm. What you describe are definitely red flags for drug abuse. The time that has elapsed with this behavior and the fact that the behavior is worsening is serious. Coupled with self-harm and verbalizing further self-harm fantasies, this is very serious. In-patient care is not rather a large jump under such circumstances. It's really not. Most importantly--Most people under-respond to concerns about drug abuse. (Not yelling--just emphasizing so this doesn't get lost in the sea of words. Most people consider the most effective treatments to be "too much" for right now. "We're not there yet," is what most people think or say. However, these rationalizations have the effect of preventing the patient from getting the treatment that is the most effective. Small tweaks to a person's life are rarely powerful enough to resist the addiction or the factors that allowed the addiction to blossom. In other words, drug addiction and self-harm are both issues worth going nuclear on. Not meaning punishment, anger, recrimination. Rather, go nuclear in seeking treatment. And yes, with what you have described here, in-patient to get things started followed by an aggressive "wrap" of services may well be exactly what is needed. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 +1 for what Harriet Vane wrote in post 21. I have a P.T.S.D. so I have some experience with a well qualified Ph.D Psychologist. I bet if this boy was in his office and was honest with the doctor that the doctor would try immediately to get him hospitalized. Each day that he is functioning like this is another day that he is probably in extreme danger. If his parents take their time and delay getting help for him he may not survive this. Yael took a big step when she began this thread. I hope Monday morning she will be on the phone looking for where he might get the help he needs. Very sad for him and their family. Sent from my SM-G355M using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 That seems like a rather large jump, no? We know people who have been involuntarily and voluntarily hospitalized for mental health. They clearly cannot be trusted to not harm themselves. (Some) Teens do stupid things. I know I did some dumb stuff and friends of mine did really dumb stuff and we are all still alive and functioning. I just don't know if this is drugs, regular dumb bunny teen stuff, or mental health issues. I do not what our plan would be if he tests positive.... I agree that's a leap. I did stupid stuff and I was a good kid. My teen is currently on the edge of messing up his grades, etc and I'm waiting to see where things fall. Not grounds for hospitalization. Even some pot use wouldn't be reason for that in my opinion. Counseling, yes. In patient, no. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Am I the only one thinking the hand sanitizer thing is just a trick, not a wish to actually self harm? I also wonder if the request for a new school is him knowing he needs a different environment/friend group and his only way of asking for it while saving face? 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Yael, I have no advice or wisdom for you, but I wanted to say I am very sorry you are so worried, and I admire you for recognizing that there is a problem and for wanting to help your son in any way you can. Sending you, your son, and your whole family good thoughts and many prayers. :grouphug: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 One may get away with reckless behavior a number of days weeks or months but eventually Lady Luck runs out and disaster strikes. Knowing when it's time to declare an emergency is vital. I think it would be safer for Yael and her DH to do that now and possibly be wrong than to not do that now and possibly have made a tragic error. Better to err on the conservative approach than to hope it can wait another week or month. Sent from my SM-G355M using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmandaVT Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Am I the only one thinking the hand sanitizer thing is just a trick, not a wish to actually self harm? I also wonder if the request for a new school is him knowing he needs a different environment/friend group and his only way of asking for it while saving face? That's the impression I got too - I did a google search and there are a bunch of videos. Apparently, it's a thing. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Yale, so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this. I hope the situation improves soon. I was thinking about the mono, too. FWIW, I had mono my last semester of college, more or less pushed through to graduation, and then was quite sick for about two months. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaeFlowers Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 (edited) I'm another who agrees that some of these responses are pretty extreme. While it is possible that drug use may be involved, he may be telling you the truth and simply be unhappy in his current environment. I switched schools at his age. I attended a small Catholic school and was miserable. I asked my parents to let me switch and they said no. Things got worse and worse for me and, eventually, they gave in. I was severely depressed in that environment and going downhill fast. A new school changed my life. I get where you are at. My parents didn't want me to switch because I was attending the best school in town. They had my best interests at heart in many ways but staying there really wasn't in my best interests emotionally. I went to a public school. I graduated and I went on to college. Your ds can still succeed without that school. In your shoes, I might get still get your ds tested for drugs. But, please listen to him. He's really unhappy where he is at and he's screaming that in more ways than one. Bottom line...is this school worth all this? Eta: I hope that I didn't come across as judgemental. I am saying all this in the kindest way possible. I really feel for your ds and for you. It's a hard road but it can get better. Edited May 1, 2017 by MaeFlowers 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam in CT Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 :grouphug: . Teenagers very often do dopey reckless drama-rama stuff. They also get into real trouble. If they're signalling they help it's better to over-respond than under-respond. If he's suddenly doing much less well in school AND is telling you he wants to change schools, at this age I'd be looking to help him change schools. Many schools require a physical for entrance; you can plausibly link the two together. He's still a minor. He won't be much longer. Getting him help when he isn't a minor will be much more complicated. Holding you and him and the rest of your family in the light. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 (edited) There *may* be a link between mono and depression and/or psychosis: "The association between EBV and depression was reported in the literature for over 50 years. In a pioneering study, a group of patients with infectious mononucleosis (IM), most commonly caused by EBV, was attended by more than three months, and the presence of depressive symptoms was observed in those with prolonged infection. Other studies reported depressive episodes after IM including severe with suicidal ideation and psychotic symptoms...Prospective studies on the subject have shown conflicting results...there is no study showing a direct correlation between EBV and depression and further studies are required to establish a link." http://medind.nic.in/daa/t12/i1/daat12i1p188.pdf There is definitely a link between the strep virus and OCD, so it is not a huge leap to imagine something similar might be true for mono. I am so sorry you are going through this. I think testing for drugs is probably justified. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Edited May 1, 2017 by MercyA 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Would anyone have any experience with choosing between home urine tests and going to the MD? If you suspect he would cheat, taking him to an office may be better even though I don't know how it's handled at a gp's office. In the rehab facility where I worked, a male staff member would stand outside the bathroom door when a male was giving a sample for a UA. The bathroom was stripped of everything but the basics and the person was searched before entering the bathroom. This may sound draconian but this usually ensures the test is valid. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 (edited) That seems like a rather large jump, no? We know people who have been involuntarily and voluntarily hospitalized for mental health. They clearly cannot be trusted to not harm themselves. (Some) Teens do stupid things. I know I did some dumb stuff and friends of mine did really dumb stuff and we are all still alive and functioning. I just don't know if this is drugs, regular dumb bunny teen stuff, or mental health issues. I do not what our plan would be if he tests positive.... Well, deep breath. It's not the end of everything even though it's a blow (referring to a potential positive test result). If it's positive, you will be able to gauge his stance and see if he is open to treatment or not. Many rehab facilities address dual diagnosis if this turns out to be the case. But we are shooting in the dark until you know more. Edited May 1, 2017 by Liz CA 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I keep thinking about 2 events. The first is that the middle child of a friend and colleague committed Suicide when he was about the age of the DS of Yael. The 2nd was the crash of the LaMia charter aircraft here in Colombia last November. The Pilot had gotten away with that reckless behavior before. When he contacted our Controller in Medellin if he had declared an emergency possibly she could have gotten him to the airport. He did not and 70 + people died. He almost got away with the reckless behavior that time too. Sent from my SM-G355M using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 (edited) I am curious as to what the LCSW your son is seeing said about the arm hair burning and verbalization of hand sanatizer/fire? I am sorry if I seem to be overreacting. I myself am an LCSW who has worked with teens and I offer my thoughts as a professional who only knows a few details about your situation. I am glad your son is already seeing someone and I hope he will receive the care he needs and things improve. You are obviously a very concerned mother who only wants the best for your son and is trying to navigate unfamiliar territory. Edited May 1, 2017 by jelbe5 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I remember that when I told my Psychologist about the Suicide of my friends middle child my Psychologist told me that parents of children who have committed Suicide are the hardest patients to try to help. I pray that the DS of Yael will not do that. Sent from my SM-G355M using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amira Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 One step at a time. Do the drug test. Home or doctor, his reaction will tell you nearly as much as the actual results. Talk to his school Talk to his therapist. Find a new therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist if you aren't confident in the current one. In-patient can obviously be life saving when life saving is needed. But jumping to that is unnerving, to me. I know 3 people who have gone in-patient, two as teens. And even though it was necessary in their cases, the things they experienced and witnessed with other patients were deeply disturbing. It is not the place for kids like me, who did reckless things, got overwhelmed with school, and preferred to hang out with friends. Even if the WTM hive wanted to dx me as psychotic, addicted, and suicidal. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 The momo might be a factor. It is a serious system effecting disease and if you don't fully recover from it, it can have long-term negative effects. Some of the behavior you are talking about could easily stem from going back to activities before he should have. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EMS83 Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I would definitely recommend getting to the bottom of things using whatever tools you can and being willing to do what's necessary, but to figure out what really is necessary to use and do before diving into one option or another. An ill-fitted approach or solution may do harm and no good. Try to maintain a holistic view and approach (term used conceptually). Look at nutrition, the mono, underlying attitudes and perspectives. Even if it is drugs, look at it as a symptom; address it, but look for the cause. And as some people have already said, keep in mind that there's a huge difference between a recreational user and an addict. The two should be approached in very different ways. Good luck and prayers. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Clarification-- Yes, there is a full spectrum of what is possible here. Maybe your son is in a serious situation with drug addiction and self-harm. The OP certainly indicates this is possible. Or maybe your son is having a bit of a rough time. Also possible. Please understand this--walk into this prepared for the worst and prepared to seek the best possible help. Because if those red flags that are so concerning do turn up a serious, entrenched issue, then under-responding will drag out this agony for years, possibly a lifetime. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I would also look at the mono as a complicating factor and get a solid medical opinion as well as considering the mental health aspects. Switch providers if your gut is telling you they're not taking you seriously or helping. Especially with therapists, it can take a few to find a good fit. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I think starting with the doc is probably a good idea. What will you tell your son it's about? I'd call the doc ahead of time and explain your concerns. He may want to do a drug test, or honestly, it could be the beginnings of a (treatable) mental illness. A doctor is sometimes the first one to screen and then refer to someone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YaelAldrich Posted May 1, 2017 Author Share Posted May 1, 2017 Update: The doctor called while I was taking my son to him. He said he wouldn't do the test unless he was told, by him or us, that he was doing the test. I argued that we are the parents and we were making the choice to test him without his direct knowledge at this point, so that if the test were positive we could come up with a plan going forward which would include that knowledge. If it were negative, we could also continue with the knowledge that drugs aren't in the mix with the other confounding problems. He wouldn't back down, so I cancelled the appointment. I took him back to school, called my husband (who is away from his office and phone) to figure out what to do now. My headache is massive and I am very angry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 (edited) Doctors have to balance informed consent of the patient (your son) and his legal surrogate (his parents). He's doing the right thing ethically. Edited to remove quote. Sorry! :) Edited May 1, 2017 by zoobie 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 (edited) I would suggest you and your dh make a list of all the changes you have seen in your son, including self-injurious ones, and go asap together with your son to the doctor and tell your son you are seeking a drug test to rule out drug use. Make sure the doctor knows all your concerns and sees your list of behavior changes. Make sure a release has been signed so the doctor and social worker may communicate. I encourage you to not let this go. It will be interesting to see how your son reacts to the request for a drug test and either way, whether he is using drugs or not, you will have info which will help develop an effective treatment plan. Edited May 1, 2017 by jelbe5 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 I'm so sorry. I have a 9th grade son who just turned 16 and some days it is really, really hard. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Doctors have to balance informed consent of the patient (your son) and his legal surrogate (his parents). He's doing the right thing ethically. I agree. I think you should be up front with your son that you are going to drug test him. And don't back down if he suddenly admits to something. My sister was prepared to drug test her 15 year old. He 'admitted' he had 'smoked a little weed'. He convinces her he won't do it again and so she didn't drug test him then or ever. 3 years later they are having a major crisis and he is kicked out of the home bcause now he is a real addict. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 (edited) Said kindly, You aren't going to be able to pull the wool over a bright teenage boys eyes on a drug test anyways. What reason are you going to give, that you are doing these tests? What tests are the tests supposed to be? Why would the doctor and lab technician lie for you just to saver you the uncomfortable truth? If you suspect drugs are one possiblity, then be open and honest with your son. If you are concerned about pot, it wouldn't likely show up several days later anyways. A negative test just means that he hasn't done drugs in the past few days....that says nothing about last week. If you think there is something physically/mentally wrong with your child. Then be honest. Sit him down and have a chat. Let him know you are concerned and that you want to have him evaluated by a few doctors. The PCP, who will also do a drug test will be one of them. I understand your son is frustrating you right now, but being sneaky and undermining his intelligence will pull him further away from you....not bring him closer. Have you talked to his teachers and the other staff at his school. Maybe they have some insight. Even if he won't talk about what is bothering him, sometimes teachers have a pretty good idea of the dynamics between students. Lots of kids go through a bored year, or a year where they are picked on a bit or loose some status in the high school hierarchy. It could be a girl that he likes is dating someone else. Or he is behind and can't get caught up. Maybe things used to be easier but now they are getting harder and he isn't used to the work. There are lots of normal teen things that can happen that will make him feel like the world is crashing in around him. I would also ask the teachers about the kids he hangs around with. Are they seemingly good, decent kids? Or are they known for causing a bit of trouble? If he feels this new $$chool is the answer, then I would work hard to see if you can figure out why. If he can not articulate a really, really good clear reason, I wouldn't move him there. (You are probably past the fall registration date anyways.) Edited May 2, 2017 by Tap 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted May 1, 2017 Share Posted May 1, 2017 Yael, I'm sorry you are going through this. It's hard. Our now-adult son went through something that started out similarly. Where we landed, after a year or two of struggling, was the adult psych ward after a suicide attempt. He had *just* turned 18. If it had just been a few weeks earlier, and he was not yet 18 - oh, the difference that would have made. I hated leaving him there every night. Anyway, I have two thoughts here, and of course I'm hoping your son is not heading where mine was heading. He may not be. But hindsight, you know? First - substance abuse. I'd pursue the drug testing. Whether you tell him that's what you're doing, at the doc office, or choose another route. I actually prefer the doc office and telling him, same day test. Otherwise you could end up with results that you had to sneak to get, and lose trust. Telling him can be out of concern and getting help. He already has a therapist, so you're covered there. My son is bipolar, and we did not have a dx early enough, but you're good there. Ok, wait, I have three thoughts. The other is related to the mono. I know it sounds odd to think that something like that could impact mental health, but it can. There's PANDAS, as an example. For my son, an infection played a huge role. He was attending a camp, and had a lot of chigger bites - we didn't know at the time that those can transmit bartonella, which is known for causing mental health issues in teens. Once he was hospitalized we learned that he had the characteristic stretch marks on his torso and arms. I have since seen two other teens who have turned to substance abuse and eventually suicide attempts, both after contracting bartonella. I am not suggesting that your son had bartonella, so much as giving an example of illness causing brain issues. (Though you may want to see if he has stretch marks!) ...I do wonder if it could be a result of the mono dx, or even occurring alongside the mono. Maybe there is some testing the doc can do, alongside the drug tests, so you don't take him in just for drug tests but for a compilation of tests that might yield helpful results? Good luck. It is hard. Please pay attention to your own self care. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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