When your husband is left to choose the curriculum

[Mrs.Wilson]

This is kind of a tongue in cheek, partially whiny, partially just sharing my thoughts post.

 

My husband and I have a running conversation going.  What to do if something were to happen to either of us or both of us.  It's one of those conversations you don't really want to have, but it's necessary.  Last night we discussed continuing homeschooling.  

 

In our family I do all the research and make the decisions for curriculum.  I'll ask my husband's opinion on some things, but in the end I decide.  There are some things we don't agree on.  He doesn't like a lot of the repetition in math.  I feel it's important.  He doesn't feel cursive is important.  This was after witnessing our son dragging his feet on writing a paragraph in cursive.  Any time he sees our son dragging his feet on doing something he says it's not important.  Aka "Let's not make him do this, because it's not worth the hassle of you getting frustrated with him dragging his feet."  We don't do busy work.  Any work I give our children is for a purpose.  I feel cursive is important, because our son has horrible handwriting and cursive is helping him improve it.  My husband has horrible handwriting.  

 

I use Rod and Staff for English, Reading, and Math.  He knows this and knows where I buy the books.  But, they stop making curriculum after a certain grade.  And, I don't know if I want our children to continue with Rod and Staff up to that point or if they will need to change curriculum at some point.  My fear is that he'll decide to go a different route and choose curriculum that I've purposely decided against using or decide not to do a subject because it "isn't worth the hassle".  I'm not too worried about what he would choose for Science or History, because those are his favorite subjects and he's very knowledgeable about them.  

 

I suddenly feel the need to do all the research and buy all the curriculum I will ever need for our children.  But, that's not really realistic.  Maybe I could put a folder together with lists of acceptable curriculum.  I mentioned that and he said "That's an instruction manual.  You know guys don't read the instructions."  In the end I had him promise to just not ask certain people for advice on what curriculum to use.  He at least agreed to that.

 

 

[Janeway]

I think my children will just go to public school if anything happens to me. That would be so much easier than whatever my husband would think he would do, LOL.

[maize]

Honestly, if he is left in charge of homeschooling he is going to need to do it his way, not yours. At that point he should be picking curriculum that appeals to him, not what appeals to you.

 

Would you want someone else telling you what you can and can't use to teach your kids without regard to your philosophy, likes, and dislikes?

Edited January 18, 2017 by maize

[bettyandbob]

I think you are thinking too much. You say you like to do research and have reasons for your curriculum choices.

 

You could do research and come to different conclusions about what choices best fit your DC needs in the future. Needs change. Learning styles become clear. What fits your family now may not be best next year.

 

One of the reasons curriculum fits is because the instructor feels comfortable with it. If you aren't the one teaching it's probably not a great plan for you to choose it.

[Um_2_4]

We had this talk. If something happened to me I left a written plan for each child with suggested curriculum and where to buy it. He would probably take off time from work (6 mos or so) and spend it with the kids and get them settled with a tutor/nanny (depending on their age at the time). I don't expect he would do most of the teaching, but I know my kids best, so that is why I left a list of suggested work through high school. And templates for transcripts/grade cards/ class descriptions. Also why I keep a full cumulative file for each, so if he decided to put them in private school he could.

[marbel]

I know you said this is partly tongue-in-cheek, but you wouldn't mention it if it wasn't a real concern. I agree that you are thinking too much. If you suffer an untimely death, you husband will have to go on and manage your kids' educations in his own way. I must admit that as big a worrier as I am, this never crossed my mind when my kids were younger. I trust my husband to take care of his own children! :-)

[Night Elf]

I also agree he needs to have his personal input. At least he's willing to continue homeschooling and I'm sure that's important to you. FWIW, my DH and I had this conversation when our kids were young and we decided on a curriculum overseen by others. We were going to use Calvert School through 8th grade then an online high school program. DH did want to continue homeschooling but he knew he could never devote the same amount of attention I was giving to it because he would have to continue working. FWIW, I did use a variety of materials I liked most during elementary and middle school and we moved to an accredited online high school. DH didn't mind giving me the majority of the choices, again, because I was home and it was my full time occupation. He did like the majority of what I chose though.

[regentrude]

I trusted my husband to raise our children and take care of their education if something happened to me. Period. I trusted that he would have been perfectly capable to find a solution that works under the changed circumstances. It need not look like our current homeschooling.

I have documented our schooling well, so that he could have used those records. But he also might have chosen not to hs at all. His life, his responsibility, his decision.

ETA: Really, for kids who lost their mother, what curriculum is used in the homeschool would be the very least of my concerns.

 

Edited January 18, 2017 by regentrude

[DawnM]

I am SO glad I lived until they were sufficient enough to go to school.  When my special needs child was needing a lot more attention, I worried sick about dying and him having to fight his way in a PS setting.  But, thankfully, he is 19 and doing much better.

 

BUT, DH said he would not homeschool, they would HAVE to go to school.  He has to go to work.  He doesn't have a choice.  When they were young, he would have needed to work and utilize after school care.

[Arcadia]

I have a file with all my kids standardized tests scores (state testing, SAT, ACT) as well as any transcripts from outside classes. That is more than enough information for my husband to enroll my kids in private schools if anything happen to me.

 

A friend had a stroke and was unconscious for over a year. Friends helped get her three kids to and from preschool for youngest to 3rd grade public school for oldest. Relatives help babysit after school. An aide help take care of my friend at home, The last thing anyone was going to care about was academics, the focus was kids were well fed, has new clothes when they outgrow old ones, miscellaneous school expenses were paid and the paperwork for hospital bills social welfare was done,

 

BUT, DH said he would not homeschool, they would HAVE to go to school. He has to go to work. He doesn't have a choice. When they were young, he would have needed to work and utilize after school care.

Same for my husband. My kids pick their own curriculum and outsource classes yearly. They have already shortlisted private schools to go to so if anything happens to either of us, they would be back in school.

[maize]

I have life insurance primarily so that my husband would be able to hire help--tutors/nannies for the children, household help, whatever is necessary; there is no way he would be able to take over as a single parent without that.

[MeghanL]

The best curriculum is the one that gets done.

 

Say that over and over and over again to yourself if you start thinking of buying everything in advance, lol! I can personally attest that the "bought, paid for and sitting on my shelf" curriculum is not necessarily the one that gets done.

And since it's such a specific problem in such a specific situation, I'd let go of worrying about this completely. 

[Forget-Me-Not]

Don't borrow trouble.  If something happened to you, A LOT would change in your household--not just educational choices.  And you won't be here to control it, so don't try to control it now ;) 

[Guest]

If I die anytime soon, homeschooling is going to be the least of my husband's worries. He'll have the money to do whatever he deems best for the kids and himself at that point, and that's how I would want it. He's going to be the one to determine what their needs are as I will be dead and not care or know. I think he would want the same for me.

 

You can't predict anything for that kind of situation so I wouldn't waste anytime worrying, much less arguing, about it. Let tomorrow worry about itself. ;)

[Loowit]

DH and I haven't talked about this much.  I am not overly concerned as I know he would do his best to make sure they got a decent education.  However, as the one who does all the research to make sure I am picking what I think would work best for the kids, it is hard to give up that control.  DH knows what I use and would likely continue with that unless he saw a big reason to change.  I think since our kids are older that the older two at least would remain at home and do what they could during the day and DH would check up with them in the evening.  Youngest would be a bigger concern and I am not sure what DH would do.

[Slartibartfast]

This seems like something that we shouldn't get excited about.

 

If something happens to us then those will be extreme circumstances and our partners will need to adjust and make decisions based on the kid's needs at that time.

 

We should trust them to make the right decisions, if we don't trust them to make good decisions regarding our children's education then why did we marry them to begin with?

 

I think worrying over hypotheticals is just going to cause marital strife needlessly.

 

We can make our instructions as clear as we want but unless we are somehow aware of the circumstances (such as an illness) it would be impossible to prepare for every possibility.

[Janeway]

It is not that I wouldn't trust my husband to make decisions, it is just that I have spent a years on this and made it my full time, around the clock job. If I died and he suddenly had to jump in to this, it would be so beyond difficult. And he would be dealing with losing his wife at the same time. I think that is too much to put on anyone.

[LucyStoner]

You don't know what will work for your kids in 5 years until you are there. He doesn't know what will work for the kids now because it hasn't been his job. You'll know what to do in 5 years and he will know what to do if, heaven forbid, you aren't around at some point in the future.

 

I wouldn't borrow trouble, even as a thought experiement. 😂

[kroe1]

DH is the better teacher in our house. Nonetheless, it is my experience that men become quite resourceful when left alone. Therefore, what happens when I am dead is not something to worry about.

[Mrs.Wilson]

I'm not really worrying about this in a way that I'm getting stressed or anything.  I brought it up,  because, as fellow homeschoolers, I thought this might be something yall have addressed or thought of addressing.  Yes, in light of the reality that our children would've just lost their mother this is the last thing to be concerned with.  But, like I said, this is an ongoing conversation my husband and I are having.  As thoughts on the matter come up we discuss it.  I do realize I'm over thinking it.  lol Overthinking is what I do.  I don't choose curriculum based on what I want or need, but on what works best for our children and family as a whole.  I do realize that he's most likely going to choose curriculum based on what he feels is right for our children.  The problem I have is that he hasn't done all the research so might choose something that I've already decided won't be good for our family.  Yeah, that sounds a little more controlling than I mean.  I'm not controlling.  I'm just particular about what curriculum our children use.  I don't like Teaching Textbooks, ACE, nor Easy Peasy... which is what most of our homeschool friends use.  Our views on educating our children are just different.  lol Yeah, I really am overthinking this.  I'm a planner and I like to play out what ifs in my head.  lol It drives my husband crazy, but he humors me.  This isn't something we are arguing about, though.  It's just an ongoing discussion we are having.

 

The reality is that he would most likely have to put the kids in public school.  This isn't something he would want to do, though.  And, the reality is that the local school is not that great.  We live in a very small town.  I've mentioned him getting a nanny to help out since he's pretty adamant he would still want the children to be homeschooled.  lol So, in the end we just walk away saying, "Well, we'll just have to ensure that nothing happens to either of us."

Edited January 18, 2017 by Mrs.Wilson

[Peaceseeker]

Just tell him where to find these forums and he will be ok, lol...

[Mrs.Wilson]

Just tell him where to find these forums and he will be ok, lol...

 

lol That's what I told him I would rather he do in the end.  

[luuknam]

I occasionally email my wife a list of homeschool-related things the kids are currently doing, both in-home and ECs, as well as phone numbers of some homeschoolers I'm friends with and who would likely to be willing to help out a little if I were gone (like, in the immediate aftermath - not help out all the time indefinitely).

 

That said, my wife still believes in unschooling to a large degree, so, there's a good chance the kids would be unschooled. But, she'd also need to work for a living, which she can do from home, but you can imagine where this is going. The only upside is that both kids can read pretty well, so there are no worries about them becoming some of the completely illiterate teens you sometimes hear about - Broccoli's reading level is only about 2nd-3rd grade level, but that's because of stamina mostly - he can decode most really long and complicated words without any trouble. Celery should be ready for pre-algebra by the end of this school year. So, even if my wife messes up and they were to spend a few years not learning much it wouldn't be the end of the world. Of course, there's also a pretty good chance she'll just put them in school (which is a good school). Btw, I want it to be clear that I'm not slamming unschooling... just that it may not work for my 2E kid(s?) to be left to their own devices most of the time while my wife works, which is not the recipe for unschooling done right.

Edited January 18, 2017 by luuknam

[EmseB]

My husband and I are on the same page as far as educational choices go. I guide our choices now, but my children's education would not suffer if I died. They may not do what I have planned in my mind right now, but we may not do that anyway.

 

If I died I imagine my MIL might take over the home schooling until DH could get to a place career/financial/locale-wise where he could send them to school.

[QueenCat]

I have life insurance primarily so that my husband would be able to hire help--tutors/nannies for the children, household help, whatever is necessary; there is no way he would be able to take over as a single parent without that.

 

This............ when the kids were younger, we had enough life insurance on me to pay for tutors, more outsourcing than we were doing, housekeeping services, etc so that the kids would not have to go through a starting school transition at the same time they lost their mother........

[Guest]

I trusted my husband to raise our children and take care of their education if something happened to me. Period. I trusted that he would have been perfectly capable to find a solution that works under the changed circumstances. It need not look like our current homeschooling.

I have documented our schooling well, so that he could have used those records. But he also might have chosen not to hs at all. His life, his responsibility, his decision.

ETA: Really, for kids who lost their mother, what curriculum is used in the homeschool would be the very least of my concerns.

Yeah, this is same here. Honestly, I think he would have much bigger fish to fry and the kid(s) would have much more to sort out than what science curriculum to buy.

 

I have actually thought about the other scenario quite a bit - if DH died in an untimely fashion. He has an enormous amount of equipment, tools, motorcycle/boat/airplane/car stuff that I would somehow need to liquidate. I would absolutely be calling on my BILs and his friends to help me with these objects. I would also plan to sell this house as soon as practical because this property ideally needs someone who does have those tools and a proclivity to be on Bobcats or chop wood for the furnace.

[TammyS]

 In the end I had him promise to just not ask certain people for advice on what curriculum to use.  He at least agreed to that.

 

That is exactly what I did.  We have a very good friend who I've known for 15 years who also homeschools.  I told my dh that if I die, just ask her what to do about eveything, because we think alike, and she will want to help.  I also picked out a good boarding school, just in case.

 

[lllll]

nm

Edited February 4, 2017 by .qp_

[zoobie]

Honestly, it would be a huge relief to have all of this someone else's problem. A fantasy, really.

[rocassie]

DH and I have talked about this.  In all likely hood, he would put the kids in school.  This is partly why do a yearly standardize testing.  It gives him peace of mind to be able to present to a school something because he is fairly clueless on where the kids are learning-wise.  Now if something happened to him, we would probably continue to homeschool, but it's very possible I would have to put my kids in school (or find another way to homeschool) after a while depending on employment status and whatnot.  

[Guest]

I'm not really worrying about this in a way that I'm getting stressed or anything. I brought it up, because, as fellow homeschoolers, I thought this might be something yall have addressed or thought of addressing. Yes, in light of the reality that our children would've just lost their mother this is the last thing to be concerned with. But, like I said, this is an ongoing conversation my husband and I are having. As thoughts on the matter come up we discuss it. I do realize I'm over thinking it. lol Overthinking is what I do. I don't choose curriculum based on what I want or need, but on what works best for our children and family as a whole. I do realize that he's most likely going to choose curriculum based on what he feels is right for our children. The problem I have is that he hasn't done all the research so might choose something that I've already decided won't be good for our family. Yeah, that sounds a little more controlling than I mean. I'm not controlling. I'm just particular about what curriculum our children use. I don't like Teaching Textbooks, ACE, nor Easy Peasy... which is what most of our homeschool friends use. Our views on educating our children are just different. lol Yeah, I really am overthinking this. I'm a planner and I like to play out what ifs in my head. lol It drives my husband crazy, but he humors me. This isn't something we are arguing about, though. It's just an ongoing discussion we are having.

 

The reality is that he would most likely have to put the kids in public school. This isn't something he would want to do, though. And, the reality is that the local school is not that great. We live in a very small town. I've mentioned him getting a nanny to help out since he's pretty adamant he would still want the children to be homeschooled. lol So, in the end we just walk away saying, "Well, we'll just have to ensure that nothing happens to either of us."

The thing is, who cares if he went out and bought Teaching Textbooks because you died last week and he's following some advice your bff gave him? Your kids won't die if they have curriculum you don't currently like and you won't be there to care or know. The most I would do if you have this much thought about it is to have a page dedicated to curriculum choices with your other will and If-I-Die stuff. So, assuming he can open up a binder or file drawer that has all the bank accounts and other information, put in there a page about homeschooling that says, "I hate these curriculum providers; I like these. The kids have been using this math program and, if continuing to homeschool, should continue the same course if at all possible." The end. Don't try to micromanage from the grave.

 

Tangential, but a revelation when I was a young mom: when I would bathe DD as a toddler, she would go bat-shit mental about water streaming in her eyes. I would move heaven and earth to try to keep the water out of her eyes. But DH also did bath time every few days. He did not do it "my" way. He poured the water over her head without the slightest concern where it went. But lo and behold, DD did not die from water on her face! In fact, his no-nonsense approach meant that she got over it. After her first startled responses, I guess she realized that water on her face wasn't so horrible and/or dad didn't care if she cried about it.

 

I'm a bit of a control freak by nature, but that was one of those "Aha" moments when I realized that parents could take different approaches but it didn't mean that different was bad. It was also humbling for me because I started to realize that it was possible someone else had a better approach than I did.

[Paige]

No question- he would send them all to school. It would be for the best. 

[AK_Mom4]

If I drop dead, DD15 would probably just get pushed out and graduated or else go heavy dual-enrollment. She could figure out with DH what made the most sense.

[2ndGenHomeschooler]

My DH would still attempt to homeschool but with the help of our mothers if anything ever happened to me. He is not the researching type though and hates to read so I imagine he'd order A Beka video school x 4 and call it a day since that's what his parents used with him. A Beka would be a drastically different approach than what I've used with our DC and I think they'd struggle.

 

At some point I'd like to put together a household notebook for my DH in case anything happens to me. School suggestions would be one of the things included. My suggestions would include a variety of options to get the DC through high school. My recommendations would likely differ in some ways from what I currently use as I'd want to offer ideas that would bridge the gap between what we currently use and what my DH (and our mothers) would have time for and be comfortable with.

 

I'd include curriculum suggestions in a household notebook for the same reason I'd include anything else. If anything were to happen to me my family would have a difficult time, of course, just adjusting to my absence. I would want to help them as much as possible with the day-to-day stuff. I currently handle the majority of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and other errands, budgeting and bill paying, DC's outside activities, and appointments. My DH earns most of our income and does the home improvements and repairs. If he suddenly had to do my job too it would be incredibly overwhelming for him, not only because of the circumstances but also because many small jobs with lots of small details is generally overwhelming to him. Besides that, I've had the benefit of nearly 15 years to gradually figure this all out. He'd be thrust in all at once. Leaving curriculum suggestions, as well as other suggestions for running our home, would simply be an attempt to ease a burden until my DH was able to establish his own routines.

[EndOfOrdinary]

We have a binder here that has been neurotically laid out by me with everything I could possibky think of. A family we knew had mom die unexpectedly and homeschooled kids Dad was supposed to take care of. It was a mess. As personal stress therapy, I made the binder and showed Ds where it was, how it was laid out, and asked if there was anything he thought I should add.

[G5052]

It isn't an issue now. DH is retired, and my youngest will graduate in June. She would do just fine finishing up on her own.

 

When they were younger, we took out life insurance on me that would cover a particular private school. He would need to keep working, so that was the only option other than public school, which we didn't want. I had a sheet of paper attached to our will with how to do that and to put them in the college prep track. He wouldn't know things like that. It's not a top-notch school, but affordable and orderly with very involved teachers.

 

If we both were gone, we had a homeschooling relative that could finish up. I used to have a spreadsheet with plans for the years ahead that I updated each year and put with our wills. I'm not sure that she would have completely followed my plans, but they would have been parented well and still homeschooled.

Edited January 19, 2017 by G5052

[snowbeltmom]

Once my kids enter high school, I make up a plan for them that my H could implement if something happened to me. 

[Halftime Hope]

It was really inexpensive for us to get 20 year level term insurance for me, a huge amount which would have covered the expenses so dh could have stayed home, hired a homeschool tutor to help, and even hired someone to do some cooking, had he wanted. 

 

I had a notebook with plans for a couple of years above our highest grade level, and I kept all kinds of notes in it as well.

 

That said, dh was pretty intuitive about the kids and the way they learned, and his "third party" input was valuable on quite a few occasions.  It would definitely have not been the same as the education the kids and I did together, but they'd have made it workable. And probably more outside the box. :-)

[Jkacz]

We do a 180 day folder system for core subjects (3rd and 4th graders) and a binder/pile of together work with science, history, geography, Spanish and Latin in it. Short term they could go through the end of the school year by doing folders and a little bit of together work each day. DH would eventually have to go back to work but could have his parents supervise the kids during the day and work with the kids at night and on days off on what they need help with. Alternatively, he could afford to either hire a tutor or put the kids in private school (we do Stanfords yearly and I keep a portfolio of work so no problem there). If he keeps the kids home, he knows about the Wishlist I have at Rainbow Resource with next year's materials in a sub-folder and materials through high school sorted by subject. Where Rainbow didn't have what I was looking for, I created a sub-folder called Subject - use XYZ.

 

I have no doubt that DH could manage if something happened to me. It might not be what I planned but I'm sure they would be just fine.

[sewingmama]

I think my children will just go to public school if anything happens to me. That would be so much easier than whatever my husband would think he would do, LOL.

Yep here too...and my DH is a teacher 😂

 

We've had mothers pass away here locally and their husbands have taken over the homeschooling. One dad was up on everything and just continued on. The other..his wife was using Oak Meadow and he couldnt make head or tail of it and ditched it and went completely opposite..all textbooky and rigid. His kids are not doing well. We ( the homeschool group mums in our area) and trying to make suggestions and so far have managed to get him using CLE math...but other then that...the resources he is using 😳 Again..his kids should really go to school.

[Moonhawk]

We have a list of objectives and standards for each subject, broken down by stages (grammar, logic, rhetoric), sometimes grade if it is an important subject. Sometimes actual books are listed to use, or suggestions of 2 or 3 to choose from, depending on kid/time/interest. Also, we don't know how books will change or what new things will come out.  It's more of a starting point of "These look like they would meet the standard" than "Must use!". I also listed classes at the CC for high school that would help meet these.  So long as the objectives and standards are met, I'm happy.