No One Came to His Birthday Party :(

[TranquilMind]

http://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/family-relationships/mom-writes-important-message-to-parents-after-no-one-came-to-her-son%e2%80%99s-party/ar-AAjHaQs?li=BBnbfcL

 

"Words cannot describe the utter and complete devastation that washed over me, my husband and my nearly 70-year-old father, who was almost brought to tears himself," she later wrote on her blog. "Seeing my heartbroken little boy sitting all alone at his brightly decorated, empty party table was more than I could take."

 

Aww.  This actually happened to us once, but at least my oldest was 4 at the time. I held a party at our pool because another parent asked me to do it - and then no one showed, including the parent who asked me to hold the party in the first place. Since they were only 4 and under, I was able to distract and divert, but I do remember a sad little voice saying,"Mommy, those kids outside ....are they coming to our party?"  (Neighbors I surely would have invited, had I thought the swim group was going to be a no-show en masse. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Eh well.  I feel bad for the kid, but then if nobody said they are coming then I'd assume they weren't coming.  I would have said oh well I guess everyone is busy so let's go do something fun. 

 

I don't do birthday parties.  I do do something special on birthdays for my kids, but parties where I have to rely on strangers to show up, no thanks.  We have no family around either.

[caedmyn]

Poor kid. That's one reason my boys have never had a party. There aren't many kids I could invite and I'm afraid no one would end up coming.

[theelfqueen]

This basically happened to one of my kids once -- one friend and two cousins appeared... but the morning of -- I didn't think ANYONE was coming, not even the cousins. It was AWFUL.

 

[shawthorne44]

That is a huge fear of mine.   Probably why we have had a gazillion kids when we've invited some.  

 

eta:  Also, I am religious about RSVP'ing.  I also like to get there right at the start time because when it is me, I start to panic that no one will come.  

Edited November 1, 2016 by shawthorne44

[catz]

I'm sympathetic but I also don't understand having a party where you don't know at least a handful of people well enough to call them or ask them in person when you see them.  I think not RSVPing is really rude.  But when my kid was going to school, I probably did not RSVP for every invite that came home in his back pack because when you don't know someone, don't see them, and a piece of paper ends up in your pile of things to do it's just plain old easy to forget.   Heck, I doubt I even saw every invite that came home in his back pack.  For the most part, people that didn't RSVP would not come in my experience and I would frame it that way to my kids.  If a kid showed up then, it was a nice surprise.

 

So I think this is sad.  But I also think having a party where you don't at least have a couple close families you know will be in the count can be a set up for disaster.

 

We have parties, but just for kids/families we know super well.  My son had 5 boys sleep over and game for his 16th last week.  Every kid showed up. 

[TranquilMind]

This basically happened to one of my kids once -- one friend and two cousins appeared... but the morning of -- I didn't think ANYONE was coming, not even the cousins. It was AWFUL.

 

Aww.  I'm sorry.  It is so sad.  I cried that night it happened to us. 

 

[TranquilMind]

I'm sympathetic but I also don't understand having a party where you don't know at least a handful of people well enough to call them or ask them in person when you see them.  I think not RSVPing is really rude.  But when my kid was going to school, I probably did not RSVP for every invite that came home in his back pack because when you don't know someone, don't see them, and a piece of paper ends up in your pile of things to do it's just plain old easy to forget.   Heck, I doubt I even saw every invite that came home in his back pack.  For the most part, people that didn't RSVP would not come in my experience and I would frame it that way to my kids.  If a kid showed up then, it was a nice surprise.

 

So I think this is sad.  But I also think having a party where you don't at least have a couple close families you know will be in the count can be a set up for disaster.

 

We have parties, but just for kids/families we know super well.  My son had 5 boys sleep over and game for his 16th last week.  Every kid showed up. 

 

The article said the child had been previously home schooled.  I guess the mom was overly optimistic about the reception of the invitations. 

[SKL]

I agree with Sparkly.  Nobody RSVPd.  She should have managed her son's expectations.

 

If I get a generic invite from my kid's classmate's mom saying RSVP, I only RSVP if my kids *are* coming.  I don't assume they want 25 phone calls in which most of the messages are "no we don't want to come to your kid's party."  But besides that, I'm guessing I never even see 50% of the invitations my kids get; often I find out about it after the event, if ever.

 

If didn't get any RSVPs, I might call some people if my kids thought they were likely to come.  Otherwise I would plan something else.  If someone showed up for a party and found none, that's their fault for not RSVPing.

 

I don't personally get why parents build their kids up for birthday parties when they don't even have reason to believe it will be well attended.  I could understand being upset if people RSVPd an then did not show.  But knowing me, I'd wonder if I had printed the date wrong on the invite.  :P

[38carrots]

This is what happens in a culture where "you have to invite the whole class" and the like. Instead of a special (and small-ish) events with actua friends and family, birthdays are now this huge production with "everyone invited." Guess what, by the time one has to go to each kid's birthday party, it is no longer special.

 

When "no one" shows up, no one was really a friend. Why do we want those who are not friends at birthday parties???

 

I feel really bad for the kid. For any kid who had this experience. Just horrible.

[Guest]

Stop throwing parties if people can't attend. This drives me crazy - it's not another family's fault that they cannot accommodate your schedule and your kid ends up disappointed. I hate parties anyway and might be biased, but her disapppinted kid is her fault in this case, for setting up expectations that she couldn't control the fulfillment of.

 

Poor kid.

[itsheresomewhere]

It is the reason we stopped having parties. DS was in tears as no one showed yet they rsvped yes. Now I have the kids take a friend to lunch or we spend the money we would have on a party on a fun activity.

[SKL]

FTR I usually RSVP "yes" to birthday parties if we are able to attend (assuming I saw the invite).  We do have a busy schedule, so we can't attend all of them.  But I will say that my kids' classmates' birthday parties have generally been well-attended - even for "the new kids."  I guess this could be related to the school community / culture.

 

That said, I don't throw birthday parties for my kids.  Too stressful to worry about what other people are going to do.  :p

 

And, I would never show up for a party after having ignored the RSVP.  IMO no RSVP to a classmate birthday party means "no, we are not coming."

Edited November 1, 2016 by SKL

[38carrots]

I read the article.

 

Wait, the same thing happend with her daughter's birthday party?? And then no one shows up to her son's party?

 

Previously homeschooled 9 year old (who just moved there in July!) invites "school friends" in the beginning of the year, before he even knows anyone in school, never mind has friends? What about his homeschooled friends?

 

What an attention grab. And not very original either. Another wave of "no one showed up, my poor kid" blogs. If not a paid promo for the author of the Diary of the Whimpy Kid.

 

This really left a sour taste in my mouth. Disgusting what a parent would do for a viral post.

 

 

Edited November 1, 2016 by 38carrots

[SKL]

I read the article.

 

Wait, the same thing happend with her daughter's birthday party?? And then no one shows up to her son's party?

 

Previously homeschooled 9 year old invites "school friends" in the beginning of the year, before he even knows anyone in school, never mind has friends? What about his homeschooled friends?

 

What an attention grab. And not very original either. Another wave of "no one showed up, my poor kid" blogs. If not a paid promo for the author of the Diary of the Whimpy Kid.

 

This really left a sour taste in my mouth. Disgusting what a parent would do for a viral post.

 

I had a similar reaction.  She posed her kid in those "poor me" photos on his birthday?  Either it's a sham or she's mean.  Maybe she's hoping lots of strangers send him gift cards ....

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I read the article.

 

Wait, the same thing happend with her daughter's birthday party?? And then no one shows up to her son's party?

 

Previously homeschooled 9 year old invites "school friends" in the beginning of the year, before he even knows anyone in school, never mind has friends? What about his homeschooled friends?

 

What an attention grab. And not very original either. Another wave of "no one showed up, my poor kid" blogs. If not a paid promo for the author of the Diary of the Whimpy Kid.

 

This really left a sour taste in my mouth. Disgusting what a parent would do for a viral post.

 

It almost feels like possibly she is overcompensating.  She probably feels guilty about the homeschooling and that he's the new kid in the class.  But really that's just setting him up for disappointment.  It takes time to get to know people. 

[Anne in CA]

I do think that parties are a big problem these days. They really should only be for super close friends that will definitely come. If your child doesn't have these friends you probably shouldn't be having a party, IME. Our whole culture already doesn't care as much about social obligations as they used to. When I first worked in catering more than 20 years ago 99% of people invited were at any given wedding. The last years I catered wedding saw a sharp drop in the number of people who even RSVP'd yes if it was a sunny day and people could get away to the coast or do something more fun. About 20% of people simply weren't showing up for weddings. My oldest dd's best friend had about 50 extra people turn up at her wedding after failing to RSVP. The weather was terrible and I think people decided they would just come anyway. The mother of the bride had to run to Costco for more food right after the ceremony. Yikes!

 

As a society I think we just expect to be able to do what we want when we want to. I quit being a scout leader when people would just fail to turn up to things after promising to fulfill a vital function. People would say things like, "well it was raining so I assumed the event was cancelled." Really, in western Oregon you thought we would cancel a scout event over a drizzle of rain??? 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I had a similar reaction.  She posed her kid in those "poor me" photos on his birthday?  Either it's a sham or she's mean.  Maybe she's hoping lots of strangers send him gift cards ....

 

 

And who wants to embarrass their kid like that?  If nobody went then nobody is wise to the fact nobody showed up.  Now they may all know.

[Farrar]

I think she was basing her expectations on her daughter's party where no one RSVP'ed and then kids showed up. I think etiquette is just more nebulous these days and more varied based on social group. I know that the polite police will step in here and chastise me for saying this - because supposedly we all know what manners are anyone who doesn't isn't ignorant, just rude (something I've learned on this board, thanks, folks) but I think she was trying to believe that it would all work out... in part because it did before. I think it really is less clear how people are going to behave in regards to things like this these days.

[Dmmetler]

Poor kid-my DD had one party where many of her dance "friends" backed out after a more popular girl scheduled a more "interesting party" on the same day. Her homeschooled friends still planned to attend, but DD was devestated as she had kid after kid tell her they were going to the other party instread. Luckily, apparently that is a normal pre-teen experience. After she vented to her partner on a college field trip, the college girl showed up with lots of friends. And having college guys show up for your birthday party definitely was a major "take that" to tween girls :).

 

Since then, we provide cookies or cupcakes for our homeschool animal club, and DD has her best friend spend the night. Fortunately, that was the last year of the "invite everyone you know" kind of party.

[Alicia64]

I read some, but not all of the responses -- everyone I know puts "RSVP" on the invitation. So when the big day arrives I know exactly which adults and kids will be there.

 

I don't get not having "RSVP" -- that's what it's for.

 

Alley

[38carrots]

And who wants to embarrass their kid like that?  If nobody went then nobody is wise to the fact nobody showed up.  Now they may all know.

 

And then a photo of the family sitting at the table eating pizza, "desperately trying to fix the devastation." Well, I'm sorry. This is what parties are (should be) about--your family getting together to celebrate. If the kid is new in school and has no friends yet, a party is not going to get him friends. What on earth is wrong with a family party?? Unless one is a social butterfly and is extremely extraverted, they'd like a family party much more anyway. Her kid sounds like such a sweet one, but she manages to monetize even him.

 

She basically sold her kid on school by telling him that he will have many friends when he goes to school. On what planet inviting kids to a birthday party equates to having friends? Is this at all about the sweet child? Or about her (apparently popular and very well monetized) blog? Ugh.

 

I hope the kid (who doesn't look that upset) enjoyed the party that he had and didn't think that he needed "friends" in order for the party not to be "devastating."

Edited November 1, 2016 by 38carrots

[lanalouwho]

When I was in school, the 'queen bee' had a birthday the day after mine. After one awful sleepover where no one showed, I began asking to do things instead of having a party. Sports or concert tickets, laser tag, my favorite restaurant. Now that I'm older, I think it's better that way anyway.

 

Sent from my HTCD200LVW using Tapatalk

[Janeway]

It sounds like kids at school said they were coming.

Edited November 1, 2016 by Janeway

[nd293]

So I think this is sad. But I also think having a party where you don't at least have a couple close families you know will be in the count can be a set up for disaster.

 

I agree with this. There seems to be a focus by some parents on birthday parties to the detriment of a focus on friendship / relationships. I work hard with my dc (when younger) to facilitate friendships with a couple of kids in the class. Wait around in the playground one day to chat to the mom, or send a note home saying "R would like a play with your son, could you text me to see if we could arrange something?". Once you have a relationship with the parent they are more likely to prioritise attending a party. Parties follow friendships, they don't precede them.

 

We have had a couple of bigger parties, but they're always built around a core group of friends that we know will attend, or at least RSVP. I also make sure that most of the people we invite are people I've had least been in contact with personally once, and I'll follow up with people if they don't RSVP.

[marbel]

I read some, but not all of the responses -- everyone I know puts "RSVP" on the invitation. So when the big day arrives I know exactly which adults and kids will be there.

 

I don't get not having "RSVP" -- that's what it's for.

 

Alley

 

 

I learned, on this board if I recall correctly, that a lot of people don't know what RSVP means.   Cultural literacy in things like that maybe isn't universal anymore. 

 

I read the article.  Honestly?  I feel bad for the kid but it read to me as click-bait for the mom's blog.  

[shawthorne44]

There is a value to having lots of kids over for a small kid's party.   Dangerous though when you can't at least have SOME confirmed Yes RSVP's and close enough friends to actually not flake out on you.  

[Spy Car]

Basically happened to a pal of mine Phil when we were young.

 

His parents and older sisters went to a lot of trouble setting up a big party at his house and I was the only boy to show up. My heart broke for Phil. Fortunately, a second friend showed up later and we all played and we tried to make it seem normal. 

 

As it happened, Phil's birthday is one day before mine. My party had tons of kids (including Phil) which in some ways made me feel worse, and I can only imagine how my pal felt.

 

It has been almost 50 years. Still hits me when I think about it.

 

Bill

[Mimm]

I know that when my kids were in school, I got sick of all the birthday parties. And it was a small school. Even in a small class you could have one birthday party a month. We never threw birthday parties. We just do family parties. Everyone shows up to those.

[Garga]

That poor little kid.

 

I was a kid that didn't have many friends. I was invited to a more-popular kid's house one day. Frankly, she wasn't always the nicest kid to me, but I was trying to find friends somewhere...anywhere...so I went to be with the group. It was a baking party for about 6 of us.

 

No one else showed up but me. I felt really bad for the girl because I knew full well what it was like to be ignored and humiliated like that. She seemed very, very humbled. We had a really nice time together, baking. But I still felt bad for her.

 

For this kid--wow. That had to hurt sooo much. But his mother! Oh, she dropped the ball. She should have gotten some confirmations. It's ok to follow up with a call or text, "Hey--just wanted to know if Junior can come so I'm sure to order enough pizza!" That poor, poor boy. It had to have been devastating. I have felt that kind of rejection from other kids and it hurts so bad.

[MercyA]

Basically happened to a pal of mine Phil when we were young.

 

His parents and older sisters went to a lot of trouble setting up a big party at his house and I was the only boy to show up. My heart broke for Phil. Fortunately, a second friend showed up later and we all played and we tried to make it seem normal. 

 

As it happened, Phil's birthday is one day before mine. My party had tons of kids (including Phil) which in some ways made me feel worse, and I can only imagine how my pal felt.

 

It has been almost 50 years. Still hits me when I think about it.

 

Bill

 

I'm glad you were there for him, Bill, and I bet he was, too.

[Nart]

I wonder if the party was scheduled for a Saturday morning or early Saturday afternoon when most kids (at least in my community) have scheduled activities. My kids have a soccer game and/or baseball practice. Our neighbor's two girls have dance. Other kids have football, martial arts, etc. Other families are attending special events at the pumpkin patch, the library, etc. A mom of a good friend of my son's called us three weeks ago to confirm that Sunday afternoon would be a good time for a party? She verified that we had no sports activities and asked if we had heard of any events going on in town. Fall seems to be a really busy time.

[umsami]

This happened to us for DD's bday.  Her bday is near 4th of July and different people told us they were coming and then did not show. 

[Paige]

I always rsvp if I get the invite. I think that's all the mom wanted to communicate- please rsvp with declines as well as acceptance because it helps people plan and is polite. I get tired of birthday party invites too for kids I barely know, but my kids were the only ones to show up once for a kid they had only met a few times. It was awkward but I'm so glad we went and I felt terrible for the family! I think about how their day would have been if we hadn't showed and so I always try to go to kids' parties if we can swing it.

 

I don't have parties anymore for my own kids, however. They were fine when the kids were preschool aged and I knew all the families, but with relative strangers I feel it is too risky. My DD has a birthday near the first day of school and that makes things really hard, although she'd love a party. Do we invite new classmates she barely knows (and her b-day was ON the first day of school once!), or classmates from last year that we may not have communicated with over the summer and have no idea if they remember DD or still care enough to show? Parties are too much stress for me unless it's a friendly get together of a couple kids and no big party hype that could create disappointment. I think when kids are little parties are fun, and when they are older preteens and teens and can organize it themselves, then it can be fun, but the elementary years are tricky.

[shawthorne44]

I just sent out invites for DD's birthday party so this is a sensitive topic for me right now. ...

 

Ordinary shoes, did you send out invites in a way that you are certain the parents got?  I think that is the most important thing.  

 

 

(on the general topic, not related to Ordinary Shoes)

I wonder if this is why kid's birthday parties get over the top?   Parents want the other kids to get as excited about the party, so they try to 'bribe' the other kids with an exciting activity.   I know for DD's last party (turned 6), we didn't BUY anything, but I made sure to mention the swingset, playset and trampoline that we already had.  

[Dmmetler]

I think that's part of it-and it's also the case that if you're inviting an entire kindergarten class, having a party at, say, Chuck E Z Cheese vs at home puts it on neutral territory so you're not also inviting adults you don't know at all (and kids you don't know well) to your house.

 

It's been much nicer since DD got to the age where the ideal party is a handful of kids, some pizza, and maybe some craft supplies or a video.

[StephanieZ]

I'll add my disapproval of the modern disregard for social norms/RSVP'ing/etc.

 

We recently attended an employee's wedding. (A very junior employee, and also a generation younger than us, obviously.)

 

It was a very lovely affair, in a nice church and then a very fancy (for our town, probably the nicest possible) venue, open bar, dancing, full sit down dinner, etc. Probably cost $75-100/person for the catering/meal in my guess. And it was a limited venue, too, which was full to the brim, so I would guess that the families had to choose invites carefully, as it was full.

 

We are invited to a lot of employee weddings -- maybe one a year or so -- (as we employ a lot of 20-something young people and we are pretty nice bosses), anyway, we always go if it is local. So, anyway, the lovely bride has worked at our workplace for at least 2-3 years, and she invited quite a few co-workers as well. Dh juggled staffing for the wedding and actually closed work an hour early (which we do maybe twice a year for similar sorts of family/staff events) in order for him to be able to get to the Friday night wedding on time. I bought a new dress, wore make up, wore my "good" jewelry, and even wore heels. I.e., I went "all out" to show respect for this important event in the life of someone I really barely know (as I rarely interact with our support staff directly). She respected my dh enough to invite us; so I reciprocate that respect in appropriate ways. Isn't that what good people do?

 

Anyway, we were seated at a table of all staff/co-workers from our workplace. There were 8 seats. I was shocked beyond words (although I kept it to myself) that there were two EMPTY chairs at our table. Apparently another employee (female, about 27) simply decided she couldn't come, at the last minute, because "her sister came into town", so she no-showed for the wedding & reception, along with her fiancé. Two empty, paid for seats at the table. I was so shocked. This employee (who no-showed) has worked for us for 3-4 years and is very reliable and very sweet. She's not generally a flake. She knows how to show up for work no matter what. But, she ditches a WEDDING for some flaky reason? My opinion of her dropped by half, just on that. I really have never seen anything like that. Who no shows to a WEDDING? I've never even heard of someone doing that! If you aren't in the hospital or jail, you better show up to a wedding that you've RSVP'ed for! Another co-worker (a professional, affluent woman in her 40s) came to the reception but skipped the ceremony because it was apparently not convenient for her to take the extra hour to come to the wedding itself. And she didn't bring her spouse because apparently he just wasn't up for the "date night" (but I think she'd RSVP'ed appropriately.) Good grief. Dh and I are atheists, but we showed up to the church on time (5-10 polite minutes early), and then cheerfully sat, sang, and prayed through the (not too long, lovely) Catholic ceremony. It's a WEDDING. It's about the couple and their families, and honoring that. WTF is wrong with people?? My opinion of her dropped significantly, too. 

 

How you behave in social situations reflects on your character. Showing respect to others (and their money and efforts and values) is meaningful and valuable. 

 

 

[J-rap]

I do feel very sorry for the son, and completely empathize with the mom's frustration at people not RSVP-ing.  But at the same time, it seems like the mom was kind of "off" as far as social skills or handling of this event.  We often threw birthday parties for our kids and always had fun, but it wasn't without effort.  I mean, you don't just ask a classroom of kids who don't even know your son!  That's setting him up for trouble.  I always made sure we had a few close friends who could definitely attend, and if others didn't RSVP, I'd call them up.  That's just what you do.  

 

I understand that some people don't quite understand this.  It's just one of those things that you come to know (through experience I guess), or you don't.  

 

And different cultures (in different states, cities, schools, etc.) handle parties differently as well.  RSVP is supposed to mean getting back to the host whether you can come or not.  But some people don't understand that at all.  It's just a different world today than it was a generation or two ago.

 

I probably would have stuck with inviting a few homeschool friends and maybe a couple new friends from the PS, but only after discussing it with their parents.

 

Also, I do think taking pictures of her son alone at his empty table was really weird.  I don't believe that will give him the subtle insight needed to understand these social situations.  

[kiwik]

With texting it is not exactly hard to RVSP is it. When ds7 was 5 I complained about people not answering and it was suggested the kid didn't show the parent the invite. I always give the invite to the kid in the presence of a parent or post it/drop it in their letterbox so no they just forgot or couldn't be bothered. It is rude but other people cannot be expected to share our priorities. Mostly we invite kids I know as well (and the parents) which helps.

 

I feel sorry for the kid and for the kid here recently. But it is not news for heavens sake. Bad manners are not national news and nor are hurt feelings.

[tm919]

FTR I usually RSVP "yes" to birthday parties if we are able to attend (assuming I saw the invite).  We do have a busy schedule, so we can't attend all of them.  But I will say that my kids' classmates' birthday parties have generally been well-attended - even for "the new kids."  I guess this could be related to the school community / culture.

 

That said, I don't throw birthday parties for my kids.  Too stressful to worry about what other people are going to do.  :p

 

And, I would never show up for a party after having ignored the RSVP.  IMO no RSVP to a classmate birthday party means "no, we are not coming."

I always thought that was regrets only. I RSVP as soon as I know, yes or no. Is the "only RSVP if you are coming" idea a regional thing?

Edited November 3, 2016 by tm919

[TranquilMind]

I always thought that was regrets only. I RSVP as soon as I know, yes or no. Is the "only RSVP if you are coming" idea a regional thing?

 

You are correct.  Regrets only means to respond only if you are not coming. RSVP means respond regardless.   Not everyone does these days (and I have been guilty and forgotten a couple of times, like to a recent wedding.  I felt really bad! I did go, but I was late!). 

Edited November 3, 2016 by TranquilMind

[TranquilMind]

I just sent out invites for DD's birthday party so this is a sensitive topic for me right now. 

 

We invited everyone in the class because DD plays with everyone. My DD is the kind of kid who plays with every kid and hasn't ever paired up with one or two "best friends." 

 

I'm worried that some families will ignore our invitation because they don't know us. DD is the "new kid." She attends a church affiliated school but we don't attend church there. We don't know any of the other families. I work outside of the home and don't have much time to spend at school. It's a tight knit community and we are definitely the outsiders which is fine as long as it doesn't hurt my child. 

 

I don't expect most of the kids to show up because people are so busy these days but as long as a few kids come it will be fine. I also expect that most of the families won't respond either way which is always frustrating. 

 

I wish we could do without a BD party at all until DD was a little more established in the school but she had her heart set on it. She's been talking about it for months. 

You could call them all prior to the date, if you have time and are assertive enough.  Maybe then some would show up.  It would be a chance to introduce yourself and your child.    Just thinking of a way to prevent this outcome of no shows.  I wish I had done that prior to my kid's party. 

[SquirrellyMama]

As someone else said, no RSVP to me means that they aren't coming. We've never invited more than 6 to a party anyway, and they were always good friends that I could call to confirm. 

 

Kelly

[SKL]

I always thought that was regrets only. I RSVP as soon as I know, yes or no. Is the "only RSVP if you are coming" idea a regional thing?

 

I think it's more of a practical thing when you're inviting the whole class just because you have to.

 

For more personal things where it actually matters whether I as an individual attend, I would RSVP either way.  If it's just a generic "whole class is invited" then I don't believe they actually care which kids show up, as long as they know how much cake to buy.

 

[mamiof5]

I'll add my disapproval of the modern disregard for social norms/RSVP'ing/etc.

 

We recently attended an employee's wedding. (A very junior employee, and also a generation younger than us, obviously.)

 

It was a very lovely affair, in a nice church and then a very fancy (for our town, probably the nicest possible) venue, open bar, dancing, full sit down dinner, etc. Probably cost $75-100/person for the catering/meal in my guess. And it was a limited venue, too, which was full to the brim, so I would guess that the families had to choose invites carefully, as it was full.

 

We are invited to a lot of employee weddings -- maybe one a year or so -- (as we employ a lot of 20-something young people and we are pretty nice bosses), anyway, we always go if it is local. So, anyway, the lovely bride has worked at our workplace for at least 2-3 years, and she invited quite a few co-workers as well. Dh juggled staffing for the wedding and actually closed work an hour early (which we do maybe twice a year for similar sorts of family/staff events) in order for him to be able to get to the Friday night wedding on time. I bought a new dress, wore make up, wore my "good" jewelry, and even wore heels. I.e., I went "all out" to show respect for this important event in the life of someone I really barely know (as I rarely interact with our support staff directly). She respected my dh enough to invite us; so I reciprocate that respect in appropriate ways. Isn't that what good people do?

 

Anyway, we were seated at a table of all staff/co-workers from our workplace. There were 8 seats. I was shocked beyond words (although I kept it to myself) that there were two EMPTY chairs at our table. Apparently another employee (female, about 27) simply decided she couldn't come, at the last minute, because "her sister came into town", so she no-showed for the wedding & reception, along with her fiancé. Two empty, paid for seats at the table. I was so shocked. This employee (who no-showed) has worked for us for 3-4 years and is very reliable and very sweet. She's not generally a flake. She knows how to show up for work no matter what. But, she ditches a WEDDING for some flaky reason? My opinion of her dropped by half, just on that. I really have never seen anything like that. Who no shows to a WEDDING? I've never even heard of someone doing that! If you aren't in the hospital or jail, you better show up to a wedding that you've RSVP'ed for! Another co-worker (a professional, affluent woman in her 40s) came to the reception but skipped the ceremony because it was apparently not convenient for her to take the extra hour to come to the wedding itself. And she didn't bring her spouse because apparently he just wasn't up for the "date night" (but I think she'd RSVP'ed appropriately.) Good grief. Dh and I are atheists, but we showed up to the church on time (5-10 polite minutes early), and then cheerfully sat, sang, and prayed through the (not too long, lovely) Catholic ceremony. It's a WEDDING. It's about the couple and their families, and honoring that. WTF is wrong with people?? My opinion of her dropped significantly, too.

 

How you behave in social situations reflects on your character. Showing respect to others (and their money and efforts and values) is meaningful and valuable.

Not sure what to think of this post? I totally understand your frustration about the wedding ordeal, but I'm not sure you have the right to judge why others made it or not. I have had family literally showing up at my door after decades of not seeing them (as a big SURPRISE!), also this summer got together with a cousin who showed up to visit (no plans, letting us know, anything). Who knows how often your coworker gets to see her sister? And the one who didn't attend the church ceremony? Their call as well. I hope no one changes the way they think about me depending on my attendance (or lack of) to a wedding. I'd hope they apologized to the newly weds, but that's about it. When you host events there's no guarantee everyone will make it

[mamiof5]

Not sure I'd have hosted in hopes of a bunch of strangers attending. And yeah, the "my poor child" attitude doesn't make it any better :(

[shawthorne44]

I always thought that was regrets only. I RSVP as soon as I know, yes or no. Is the "only RSVP if you are coming" idea a regional thing?

 

It isn't a regional thing, it is a rude thing.  

 

And, yeah, I'd have been judging those people that no-showed to a wedding too.  If you say you are coming, then you do unless an extreme emergency.  Wedding or kid's party.  

 

Early in my wedding preparations (so mom was very interested in everything wedding related), mom was at a new club they had joined and she peeked in at the wedding reception setup.   She ended up helping setup and became friendly with the MOB.  Later she peeked in during the wedding reception and she was waved in to join.  1/3 of the Yes RSVP's no-showed.  Someone at the head table at my wedding no-showed.  He and his wife aren't great friends of mine, but they got head-table status as really good friends of my best friend and maid-of-honor.  The wife came with a lame excuse for him.  

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 3, 2016 by shawthorne44

[SKL]

So am I the only person who finds the following uncomfortable:

 

Kid brings home her weekly pile of school notices, including a computer printout that says "Luke's birthday party, time and place, RSVP (123) 456-7890."

 

Luke is not my kids' friend.  I've met his mom once, 4 years ago, at another generic whole-class birthday party.

 

We have a scout campout that weekend.

 

I'm supposed to call Luke's mom and say, "hello, Mrs. Smith?  This is the mom of your Luke's classmate, Julie.  We got your invitation to Luke's party.  Just wanted to let you know we are NOT coming as we have something better to do this weekend."

 

How it actually worked was that I heard about the invite like 2 days before the party, which was too late to RSVP anyway.  I told the kids to inform Luke that they weren't coming and why.  But no, I did not call his mom.

 

In a case like this, it would be easier if people would provide an email or text address for RSVPs.  I really hate making phone calls to strangers regardless.  Even to RSVP yes and ask what the child would like for a gift.  I always feel like I'm interrupting someone's dinner.  I'd just rather do email.  But then, I've done that before and my email was never received.  I called the day before to follow up, and that was awkward too.

 

Basically I think "come one, come all" events should have different etiquette and different expectations.

Edited November 3, 2016 by SKL

[JustEm]

So am I the only person who finds the following uncomfortable:

 

Kid brings home her weekly pile of school notices, including a computer printout that says "Luke's birthday party, time and place, RSVP (123) 456-7890."

 

Luke is not my kids' friend. I've met his mom once, 4 years ago, at another generic whole-class birthday party.

 

We have a scout campout that weekend.

 

I'm supposed to call Luke's mom and say, "hello, Mrs. Smith? This is the mom of your Luke's classmate, Julie. We got your invitation to Luke's party. Just wanted to let you know we are NOT coming as we have something better to do this weekend."

 

How it actually worked was that I heard about the invite like 2 days before the party, which was too late to RSVP anyway. I told the kids to inform Luke that they weren't coming and why. But no, I did not call his mom.

 

In a case like this, it would be easier if people would provide an email or text address for RSVPs. I really hate making phone calls to strangers regardless. Even to RSVP yes and ask what the child would like for a gift. I always feel like I'm interrupting someone's dinner. I'd just rather do email. But then, I've done that before and my email was never received. I called the day before to follow up, and that was awkward too.

 

Basically I think "come one, come all" events should have different etiquette and different expectations.

I hate when making a phone call is the only option and my guess is a lot of people do and say they'll call later and then forget. But I still try to make that phone call, even if it is 2 days away, because it is still rude not to respond at all if you are capable of doing so. Although I will admit I have forgotten before because I couldn't RSVP that moment and had too much on my plate to keep a party in my mind. I always apologize for forgetting if I ever actually remember though.

[StephanieZ]

Not sure what to think of this post? I totally understand your frustration about the wedding ordeal, but I'm not sure you have the right to judge why others made it or not. I have had family literally showing up at my door after decades of not seeing them (as a big SURPRISE!), also this summer got together with a cousin who showed up to visit (no plans, letting us know, anything). Who knows how often your coworker gets to see her sister? And the one who didn't attend the church ceremony? Their call as well. I hope no one changes the way they think about me depending on my attendance (or lack of) to a wedding. I'd hope they apologized to the newly weds, but that's about it. When you host events there's no guarantee everyone will make it

 

Well, I think it's incredibly rude to not show to a wedding you've RSVP'ed to for any reason unless it's a life or death event for you or your loved ones. I also think it's rude to skip the wedding when you've RSVP'ed. Both the people who did that work for me. I've judged. I've made note. I think less of them. You are free to do whatever you want in your life, but when it's a public act (such as no-showing to a wedding or skipping part of it), people who observe you will judge, whether you want them to or not. Just like I'd judge someone who did some other rude act in public.

 

Judge manners/rudeness -- yes. I'm not judging whether the person going to Heaven or Hell or are a good human being -- I'll leave that to their maker/conscience/etc. But, I'm judging their public manners, which are terrible, IMHO. And, bad manners reflect badly on a person, and will, indeed impact their future employment/friendships/etc. I'd certainly not invite anyone who did something so rude to an important event in my life, for sure.