Do you pay for adult children on family vacations?

[QueenCat]

I didn't pay for our then 23yo to go on safari with us when we went to Africa. She was MAD. She had just started a new job, just out of college and she would have lost it if she went for three weeks, so we said, we aren't paying so that she would keep her job. It caused a lot of problems later, even though I had taken her to Nepal without our other children. 

 

In the case of the OP, I think not paying for one when one of the other two is 21 is going to cause problems when the oldest IS trying to be responsible. If the oldest were being a flake I would feel differently, but I think the very fact that she is living at home to pay off debt gives her the slack. I WOULD tell her this is the last vaycay on mom and dad to make the dad not feel like a victim since her dad is clearly worried about how long this will go on. Because we all do know those people who are paying for their 33yo to do dumb stuff and that is probably what he is REALLY worried about.

 

I can understand why you wouldn't in this situation. But it's not dumb to pay for a 33 year old to come on vacation with you if you want them to be there and they can't afford it.

[Anne in CA]

I can understand why you wouldn't in this situation. But it's not dumb to pay for a 33 year old to come on vacation with you if you want them to be there and they can't afford it.

It's not dumb to pay if you want them there whether or not they can afford it. By dumb stuff, I meant people who are still seriously subsidizing their 30+ kids lives, even though they already paid for college and gave them good head starts. I know several of these people and I suspect that the OP's husband knows some too and that might be the real issue.

[SKL]

FTR I pay for my sister when I invite her places with me, and she's pushing 50.

 

I think it would be kind of wrong to invite someone and ask them to pay, knowing their financial situation makes that a bad idea.  IMO that's not a real invitation, it's kind of a slap in the face.

[SproutMamaK]

I can understand why you wouldn't in this situation. But it's not dumb to pay for a 33 year old to come on vacation with you if you want them to be there and they can't afford it.

My parents are paying for our entire extended family to go on vacation to Disney next month, as huge celebration of their 50th anniversary. They wanted to see their grandkids get to experience Disney before Dad dies (he has cancer), and they knew there was no way most of could afford it... so they're paying for 16 people's flights, tickets, and a rental house. If they had just said "hey we're going to Disney for our 50th and would love for you to come" it would have been a whole lot more reasonable for them financially.... but only my brother and his wife with no kids would have been able to afford to go.

 

So with that in mind... if you want them to come on the vacation, it would be wise to offer to pay. It's not really fair to say "We're going on vacation and you should too, so spend your money this way," especially to a person obviously try to save money to pay down debt. If you want the memories of everyone together and you can afford to... yes, pay for them. Or at the very least, chip in a substantial amount.

[gardenmom5]

My parents are paying for our entire extended family to go on vacation to Disney next month, as huge celebration of their 50th anniversary. They wanted to see their grandkids get to experience Disney before Dad dies (he has cancer), and they knew there was no way most of could afford it... so they're paying for 16 people's flights, tickets, and a rental house. If they had just said "hey we're going to Disney for our 50th and would love for you to come" it would have been a whole lot more reasonable for them financially.... but only my brother and his wife with no kids would have been able to afford to go.

 

So with that in mind... if you want them to come on the vacation, it would be wise to offer to pay. It's not really fair to say "We're going on vacation and you should too, so spend your money this way," especially to a person obviously try to save money to pay down debt. If you want the memories of everyone together and you can afford to... yes, pay for them. Or at the very least, chip in a substantial amount.

 

My friend's in-laws did this.  they went on a cruise and took all ten of their children and spouses (no grandkids).  they had the resources, and got a group rate.  it was a 'we want to do this as a family experience'.  it was a special occasion - not a regular vacation.

[J-rap]

In your situation I'd pay.  

 

Our kids are all young adults now, two of whom are married but just graduated from college with no savings.  When we can swing it, we'll plan a weekend trip for everyone and pay for the whole thing.  We get two big rooms and everyone knows it won't be luxury accommodations, but it's paid for and everyone is together and it is always wonderful and worth it.

 

Every 5 years or so it is our hope to plan a bigger vacation and pay for everyone.  We did that for the first time (I mean, since they were mostly young adults and one married) about 5 years ago and it was a fabulous, unforgettable experience (even with the one day we all got food poisoning!)  

 

As they get more on their feet financially, I'm assuming that they'll be able to contribute more to those trips.  But in the meantime, we remember what it was like (for YEARS) to live hand to mouth, and are happy to pay for these special family times.

 

One thing I learned from my father is that as a parent, you sometimes have to keep very intentionally inserting yourself into their lives!  (I mean, doing so respectfully, but don't get lazy and just wait for things to happen.)  Every time my father has done that, even if initially I'm thinking I don't want to participate and would maybe have opted out if it were just up to me, it turned out to be a special family time that kept us all bonded throughout our adult lives.

 

I will continue to do everything I can to keep our family "bonded" even through time and miles.  It is worth it for everyone.

[Carol in Cal.]

I'd pay in that circumstance.

 

There are other and far better ways to teach responsibility.

 

My attitude has always been that kids (and nieces and nephews, actually) can stay with us whenever they want, and while we expect them to pitch in in some fashion, we are a backstop for those who need to get on their feet, barring a substance abuse issue.  

 

DD is in college, and we have kept her room at the house and at the cabin set aside for her while she is away.  (Pretty much.  We do have a Healthrider and some books in there that weren't there when she left, but it's still pretty much her space.)  This is, frankly, a sacrifice.  Her room at home is pretty needed space in our very small house.  At the cabin the space is not so critical, but it is the only 'retreat' that has a low window with a pine tree view.  If she wasn't in our life, I would turn her room at home into a library/office/weaving room.  And the one at the cabin would be a cozy, quiet, introvert space.  But she IS in our life, and we want her to be.  So we make her welcome and included.  

 

It's the same with family vacations.

 

If she were graduated and working fulltime and wanted to live with us to get on her feet, that would be fine with us, but we would charge (low) rent and expect some pitching in at home, and expect a courteous relationship at minimum (ie if you come in after we're in bed, do it quietly).  That's how the transfer of responsibility would work.  Not suddenly imposing a charge for a vacation that isn't even really her choice in the first place.  At that point, assuming that we are better off than she is, we would still take her out to eat or along on a trip at times.

Edited October 14, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[DawnM]

If she has to pay, how will you feel if she declines to go on the vacation because she wants to spend her money differently? I think you have to be ok with her saying thanks but no thanks, and not be pouty about it.

 

(I would pay for all three. Not saying you should, though.)

 

 

This was my thought as well.  If I ask my kids to pay and they choose not to go and not to pay, then I have to be ok with that. 

 

Right now my oldest is 18 and still lives at home, so we definitely would pay. 

 

Not sure about when they are away from home, my guess Is that we will continue to pay through college and possibly grad school.  Once they live on their own and have a job, I don't know.  I don't see us paying for 3 kids and their spouses and their kids for a vacation.

[marbel]

My friend's in-laws did this.  they went on a cruise and took all ten of their children and spouses (no grandkids).  they had the resources, and got a group rate.  it was a 'we want to do this as a family experience'.  it was a special occasion - not a regular vacation.

 

For a lot of people, a "regular vacation" is a very special occasion.   

[fairfarmhand]

The relationship is more important than the money. If things are already tense, you need to do this.

 

I'd do it.

[LMV]

Our adult children are recently turned 32, almost 30, and just turned 21. Our sons both have wonderful wives and their own children our daughter is engaged to her fabulous fiancé but if we invite them to do something we would pay for them and their families. We do have a large family ( we still have a 16, 12, 8, 6, almost 4, and 1 year old at home) so logistically we sometimes do things that are planned in parallel and then the "kids" may make their own arrangements and pay. If that scenario was a financial hardship for any of the "kids" though then we would certainly pay/reimburse.

[gardenmom5]

For a lot of people, a "regular vacation" is a very special occasion.   

 

that's why we camped locally.  it was cheap.

 

ime, an extended family vacation -  parents and independent adult children, is not the norm.

[FaithManor]

We pay as much as we can for dd and hubby when we do vacation with them or vacation like things.  They are a young couple just starting out, trying to get established, while paying on dd's medical bills. They did not originally plan to have a child so soon, but because of dd's reproductive health issues, if they did not have bug when they did, were not likely to ever be able to have a child. So we want to help where we can, and we want to be able to take them to have fun that they otherwise cannot afford.

 

If we couldn't afford it, we wouldn't offer, but we also wouldn't plan a vacation in which we would take her adult brothers at our expense, and not offer to take them. Z, the youngest who is still in high school, of course is treated to a lot of vacation stuff, and outings because he's still a kid living at home.

[Georgiana Daniels]

In your situation, we'd pay. Your kids are close enough in age that it would probably be very hurtful to your oldest to potentially get left out. You already know it in your heart too, so hopefully you can convince hubby.

 

Our oldest is also 24, but she has been married (and widowed) and has a pretty decent job. She has been out on her own and currently doesn't live with us. When we travel, we pay for the hotel (usually getting a suite so it's big enough for all) and the one time we flew, she paid for her own airfare. We generally pay for meals, but she'll spring for the tip. She actually enjoys contributing and would feel funny not doing so.

 

Everyone's situation is different.

[BarbecueMom]

This thread is surprising and a bit depressing. We've always had to pay my mom's share if we want her to go anywhere with us, and our dads don't even tell us when or where they go on vacation until long after it's over, let alone invite us to go with them. I always thought the adult kid/family vacations were something rich people or fictional families did.

[FaithManor]

This thread is surprising and a bit depressing. We've always had to pay my mom's share if we want her to go anywhere with us, and our dads don't even tell us when or where they go on vacation until long after it's over, let alone invite us to go with them. I always thought the adult kid/family vacations were something rich people or fictional families did.

I don't think it is common in family culture. In our case, my parents were great campers and such, and really wanted to do "family camp" with the grandkids. So when my brother and I married and started having children, realizing that we probably did not have the funds to buy campers and equipment and such, my parents bought us big, family tents, mattresses, and sleeping bags, and then invited us all to head north with them offering to pay for the campsites. This made it affordable for us because we only had gas and food to worry about, and they had a ton of equipment they had collected including lanterns, camp stove, etc. Then we all pitched in and worked together to make camping special, especially for the kids. The grands all caught their first fish with their grandpa.

 

It was a leftover from my mom's family, all French Canadian and Scottish. Her dad, his brothers, and their families would all go north once a year to camp and fish together. She loved it, and wanted those memories too while the grandkids were little. We did that probably five or six years in a row. Then my brother and husband both got promotions and their work schedules changed so they couldn't get the time off together. We went once with mom and dad after that, but after that the kids were older, we were doing 4H things which changed our schedule, and the rocket team came along which meant dh takes four days off work every May to chaperone the kids to competition which changes when he can take time off in the summer which meant that our schedules no longer matched with mom and dad.

 

Given how horrific the relations are now between my parents and my brother and I, we both agree that we are glad that we were able to take those early big, family vacations together. It gives the kids some good memories of their grandparents to cling to now that they have almost no emotional connection to them due to choices my parents have made.

 

We never took a vacation with dh's family, and they never indicated that they wanted to spend more than a couple of days, three at most, even visiting with adult children and with grand kids. But, now that father in law is gone, mil loves going places with us, and we invite her as much as we can. So that is fun for everyone.

[BarbecueMom]

We never took a vacation with dh's family, and they never indicated that they wanted to spend more than a couple of days, three at most, even visiting with adult children and with grand kids.

That sounds like our dads, except 2-3 days is a very generous amount. When FIL lived 15 minutes away from us, he saw the kids maybe 2-3 hours a year, apart from holiday gatherings. And my dad will drive down here (4 hours), say hello, and then literally get in his car and drive back as soon as possible. Then calls me and complains that his kids from his "second family" gripe about all the camping/vacationing/boating/timeshare weeks they have to go on together.

 

He texted me yesterday to tell DS7 happy birthday and that he missed him. It took every thing I had to not text back, "BS, you barely know him." Crickets out of the other grandpa.

 

So yeah, parents wanting to spend time with adult kids (apart from my mom) is hard to wrap my head around.

 

I'm sorry about your parents. That sounds so heartbreaking and painful.

[sassenach]

I would pay for the ticket. I'm not sure where the line is. I think maybe fully independent adulthood?  AKA: living on their own. 

 

Put me in the ranks of never having taken a vacation as an adult with my parents. However, I also have a lot of family dynamics that contributed to that. 

 

When I think of my own kids, my eldest, who is living at home but not in school and just working, is invited on all of our trips. We don't expect any contribution towards anything. We also don't take vacations that involve airfare, so there's that.

 

 

 

 

[Arcadia]

This thread is surprising and a bit depressing. We've always had to pay my mom's share if we want her to go anywhere with us, and our dads don't even tell us when or where they go on vacation until long after it's over, let alone invite us to go with them. I always thought the adult kid/family vacations were something rich people or fictional families did.

My late paternal grandparents had 8 living kids and 36 grandkids before they passed. They were comfortable middle class but won't have been able to afford to subsidize a 3 generation family vacation.

 

My parents on the other hand only have two kids and three grandchildren. Sponsoring 4 adults and three kids under 12 for a 3 generation family vacation is a lot more affordable. My parents also married a lot later than my grandparents did so they have a low debt, high mortgage downpayment at start of marriage. When my oldest was born, my dad was already collecting pension while still working. So financially they could afford to suggest a family vacation knowing that they would be sponsoring the bulk of the expenses.

[MeaganS]

nm

Edited October 14, 2016 by Meagan S

[dirty ethel rackham]

If you expect her to pay, then I would also expect that she has the freedom to say no and spend her money how she wishes.  If you want her to be there, then the only way to make that happen is to pay.  I would not look at this as her not taking responsibility for her life, but as a gift to the family.  There are plenty of other, more practical ways to encourage adult financial independence.  This is not one of them. 

[gardenmom5]

If you expect her to pay, then I would also expect that she has the freedom to say no and spend her money how she wishes.  If you want her to be there, then the only way to make that happen is to pay.  I would not look at this as her not taking responsibility for her life, but as a gift to the family.  There are plenty of other, more practical ways to encourage adult financial independence.  This is not one of them. 

 

BINGO.  

 

even if you pay, adult kids have the right to say no.

[mommyoffive]

Not there yet.

 

But if I could afford it I will pay for my adult children and family to vacation.  I would rather give them that than toys, clothes, and candy.  

We already do this for our kids for Christmas.   I would love to keep it going in the future when they are grown and have kids of their own.  Hopefully it is something that we can do once in awhile for them 

[Only me]

BINGO.

 

even if you pay, adult kids have the right to say no.

Of course. That's a given. Normally I think she would be thrilled to go. Our relationship hasn't been the best lately but of course I would ask her if she wanted to go and wouldn't hold it against her If she didn't want to. I want to go to a warm beach over xmas break since we've been talking about it for years but it has never happened. We mentioned the possibility last summer but it was more in passing. Most likely she would want to go but would definitely be hurt if we made her pay. I just don't agree with doing that but my dh can be Stubborn.

[Joyofsixreboot]

We would never vacation with kids those ages but if we did we'd likely have the working kid pay for her ticket ( we'd probably pay for some meals, etc).

[purplejackmama]

This thread is surprising and a bit depressing. We've always had to pay my mom's share if we want her to go anywhere with us, and our dads don't even tell us when or where they go on vacation until long after it's over, let alone invite us to go with them. I always thought the adult kid/family vacations were something rich people or fictional families did.

This makes me sad. I'm sorry. Hoping if you want different for your own family then you can be the grandparents your kids missed out on.

[bettyandbob]

OK I missed the part where you said you are doing this for Christmas. Or maybe I misunderstood.

 

I would not tell an unmarried young adult in my family "Dad and I are taking your brothers to xyz for Christmas. You can come too, but you have to pay." I can't imagine telling an unmarried, just starting out young adult she has to pay to spend a holiday with family.

 

I'd probably pay if she were married too. Being unmarried makes a little worse because it's like she has no family to spend Christmas with.

 

I apologize if I'm misunderstanding the scenario. As I'm understanding it, I think it is setting the family up for some long lasting hurt.

[Only me]

OK I missed the part where you said you are doing this for Christmas. Or maybe I misunderstood.

 

I would not tell an unmarried young adult in my family "Dad and I are taking your brothers to xyz for Christmas. You can come too, but you have to pay." I can't imagine telling an unmarried, just starting out young adult she has to pay to spend a holiday with family.

 

I'd probably pay if she were married too. Being unmarried makes a little worse because it's like she has no family to spend Christmas with.

 

I apologize if I'm misunderstanding the scenario. As I'm understanding it, I think it is setting the family up for some long lasting hurt.

We were thinking about going over Christmas break not actually over Christmas Day. It wasn't originally going to be a present but I'm thinking about changing it to that since my husband doesn't think we should pay for my daughter since she has a full time job (as of September) My husband will probably be more agreeable if we decide to go as a family Christmas present.

[rocassie]

If I had the money, I would probably just pay for everyone.  As to what is the cut off point, other families I know pay for their college students, but stop after they get jobs and/or marry.  Other families, the parents have more financial means and either pay all or part of it (like lodging and meals) for everyone, including spouses and grandchildren.  The families that do this want that once a year family get together and know that it couldn't happen given everyone's financial situations.  Often it is the parents' Christmas present for the children and their spouses.

[maize]

We were thinking about going over Christmas break not actually over Christmas Day. It wasn't originally going to be a present but I'm thinking about changing it to that since my husband doesn't think we should pay for my daughter since she has a full time job (as of September) My husband will probably be more agreeable if we decide to go as a family Christmas present.

This sounds like a good approach.

[Zinnia]

It is my great hope that we can pay for our kids to go on vacation once a year.  We have a fair amount of friends that go on family vacations, and I envy that.  

We went on one extended family vacation about 10 years ago to celebrate my in-laws 50th anniversary.  In their family culture, the parents don't pay for anything, so the 4 kids split the cost of the vacation.  We've been tossing around the idea of doing it again next summer for the 60th.  I would love that--there are 29 of us, and it's hard to get everyone together, as we're spread out all over the country.  My family of origin is much smaller, and they aren't interested in vacationing together (never were, even when we were kids :) ).  It's definitely something that is different about my adult life than my life growing up.

 

[Guest]

FTR I pay for my sister when I invite her places with me, and she's pushing 50.

 

I think it would be kind of wrong to invite someone and ask them to pay, knowing their financial situation makes that a bad idea. IMO that's not a real invitation, it's kind of a slap in the face.

Yup.

 

FWIW, I know *many* people in my age category, with children, home, career, etc., who nonetheless go on a trip with their own parents and siblings, paid for by the matriarch/patriarch. The family of origin is wealthy enough to do it. They don't say, "hey, we're planning a big family ski trip in Canada this year! Wanna come? Your share will be $2,400."

[Shellydon]

I don't know.  I can't imagine being 24 and living at home much less my parents paying for anything.  I was financially independent by 19, I would not have wanted my parents to pay for a vacation. 

[QueenCat]

I don't know.  I can't imagine being 24 and living at home much less my parents paying for anything.  I was financially independent by 19, I would not have wanted my parents to pay for a vacation. 

 

Family culture really plays into this. Each of my older generations have paid for the younger generations to travel with them. It is always considered important for everyone to be able to be there and this allows for that to happen. And as a generation gets older, they pay for the younger generations. Sort of like "what comes around, goes around". It doesn't feel awkward because it's the norm in our family. If it's not the norm in yours, I can see that it might not be what you what you would want.

[gardenmom5]

OK I missed the part where you said you are doing this for Christmas. Or maybe I misunderstood.

 

I would not tell an unmarried young adult in my family "Dad and I are taking your brothers to xyz for Christmas. You can come too, but you have to pay." I can't imagine telling an unmarried, just starting out young adult she has to pay to spend a holiday with family.

 

I'd probably pay if she were married too. Being unmarried makes a little worse because it's like she has no family to spend Christmas with.

 

I apologize if I'm misunderstanding the scenario. As I'm understanding it, I think it is setting the family up for some long lasting hurt.

 

:iagree:

 *that* really changes things.  

 

we try to do a 'fun family thing' at christmas.  it's usually local.  we pay, even for financially independent adult children.  

[Lady Florida.]

It depends on a number of things, but in the situation you're describing we'd pay.

[QueenCat]

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