photograph of the deceased in the coffin... have you heard of this?

[Nicole M]

I just spoke with my husband this morning, who is in New Orleans for his dad's funeral & wake, which was Monday. The family was upset that MIL wanted a photo of her husband in the coffin. There was a bit of a stink, some kids adamantly opposed. My husband, who is a professional photographer, kicked into work mode and did it for her. He's concerned, like all the rest of the family, that seeing this picture will just upset her. But he did it to appease her and end the argument.

 

Thing is, the stink has not died down. I think it's partly (mostly?) grief that is causing family members to not be able to let this go.

 

This got me to wondering about all our rituals around death. Two soldiers presented MIL with a flag, though she declined the offer to have a horn playing taps ("too upsetting"). Some of these traditions are so humane, such a lovely way to honor the passing of a loved one.

 

But the photo.... I have a vague recollection that soon after the camera was invented, when infant mortality was still very high, this was common. But now. Hmm. I wonder if this is cultural thing? MIL is very "old New Orleans" -- a strange combination of pre-Vatican II Catholicism and Cajun.

 

What do you think?

[KatieJ]

I have no clue how cultural it is, but I had never heard of it until my brother got married. His MIL carried around pictures of her husband in his coffin and her sister did the same when her husband died.

I have now gotten used to the idea as I love these 2 women dearly and I figure if it helps them in their grief, it is ok with me.

[ravengal]

Very common in my experience. I was going through some pics at my grandfathers recently and came across a pic of my grandma who passed away several years ago. I found it a bit creepy and unsettling. I'm have made it clear to dh that I want a closed casket, graveside ceremony.

[Renee in NC]

Common here. A few months ago I had a friend get *me* to take pictures of her father in his casket because she couldn't do it.

[Crissy]

When I worked in a photo lab, we saw the same sort of picture on a regular basis.

I seem to recall that most were from hispanic families.

[elegantlion]

Mid-western gal here and ,yes, I've heard of it. In my family it's done quietly when no one else is there. The photos are only for those who care to have them. There is mixed feelings on it in our family.

[Slartibartfast]

I thought it was common.

 

It is obviously a very personal thing, I haven't seen them in photo albums or anything.

 

I think it is a Southern thing.

Edited October 15, 2008 by Sis

[Julie in CA]

I thought it was odd when my mil pulled a disposable camera out of her bosom at my fil's viewing and smapped pictures of him in the casket, but I just figured it was part of her unique personality. ;)

I love her to pieces, and if it makes her feel a bit better, what could possibly be wrong with doing it (other than the fact that it violated my personal rules of decorum)?

[Slartibartfast]

While I do think it is common it is VVERRYYY RRUUUDDEEE to take pics of someone else's family members.

 

That's what tends to cause a stink at funerals IME. Not the *immediate family* taking pics, but random third cousins or something.

 

If she wants a pic of her husband, so what? Whose business is it?

[Nicole M]

I thought it was common.

 

It is obviously a very personal thing, I haven't seen them in photo albums or anything.

 

I think it is a Southern thing.

 

Interesting. I had never heard of it. But I'm a northern girl, and my New England relations (I imagine) would be horrified at the idea.

 

My feeling, like someone else mentioned, is that if it helps with the grieving process, by all means, I will respect that.

 

I'm proud of my husband for stepping up to the plate here.

[KidsHappen]

Apparently it provides them with tangible evidence that they did have a baby and gives them something to remember the baby by. I was had a girl who worked for me who lost a baby at birth and she insisted on bringing pictures to share with the people at work. The baby was not actually in a coffin but was quite obviously dead. This disturbed many of the people that she was sharing with and I was left in the uncomfortable position of having to mediate this.

[Nicole M]

While I do think it is common it is VVERRYYY RRUUUDDEEE to take pics of someone else's family members.

 

That's what tends to cause a stink at funerals IME. Not the *immediate family* taking pics, but random third cousins or something.

 

Sweet heavenly day. I can't imagine anyone doing that! Horrible.

 

If she wants a pic of her husband, so what? Whose business is it?

 

Totally agree.

[HRAAB]

At the family's private viewing for my dad, my bil showed up with his video camera. I personally had never seen it before. The man at the funeral home told me it isn't that uncommon. I had no idea. I didn't get upset because I figured sister had as much a right to video tape it as I had not to view it. Personally, I don't want to see it. I feel I a healthy attitude about death, but I'm not real big on viewing and open caskets. I have my memories and many pictures and movies of my parents from when they were alive. That's enough for me. I guess this is a 'to each his own' thing.

 

Janet

[RebeccaC]

My mother's family did this. I had no idea it was a custom because no one on that side of the family died until I was an adult. My uncle died when I was 21 or so and they took quite a few photos. I was not there for the funeral because I was living in another state and did not have the funds to travel. My grandmother kept telling me it would be OK, not to worry I would not miss anything. I had no idea what she meant but later I was sent a package with quite a few of the pictures from the funeral including several casket shots. Pictures were sent to all family members who could not go to the funeral and shown to friends who came by the house.

 

I thought and think it is repulsive and slows down the stages of grieving. I got rid, destroyed of all the photos in my possession which made me persona non gratis with my mother and her side of the family.

 

When my brother died I threw one hissy fit that there would be NO photos and there were none. It fell to me to plan his funeral and my grandparents had passed by then. I was adamant that if I were in charge there would be no photos and since my parents, could not, did not, want to handle the funeral they agree to my terms.

 

With my uncle they were pulling those photos out years after he died. When it came to my brother I was only going to do that funeral once and I was not going to relive it for years to come. The way my mothers family handled it was not healthy in my opinion.

Edited October 15, 2008 by RebeccaC

[WTMindy]

My in-laws take pictures around the open coffin too, and I'll never forget how weird I thought that was the first time I saw a picture in their photo album. It is a cultural thing, I guess, because our family never did that. I'm sorry it is causing a trouble for them now. It is a shame to have something else to be sad about at this time.

[Slartibartfast]

Apparently it provides them with tangible evidence that they did have a baby and gives them something to remember the baby by. I was had a girl who worked for me who lost a baby at birth and she insisted on bringing pictures to share with the people at work. The baby was not actually in a coffin but was quite obviously dead. This disturbed many of the people that she was sharing with and I was left in the uncomfortable position of having to mediate this.

 

It is a large part of the grieving process.

 

There is an organization that has volunteer photographers around the country who take these sort of pictures for grieving parents and also people who retouch such photos for parents.

 

*warning very sad*

 

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

[kat19]

I also thought it was common.

My grandfather passed away in August and my sister took a picture of him in the casket.

My grandmother asked to see the picture just recently.

It's not something we will look at all the time or anything.

[tibbyl]

In backwoods Scots-Irish hillbilly culture, a photo of the corpse in casket is quite common.

[unsinkable]

It is a large part of the grieving process.

 

There is an organization that has volunteer photographers around the country who take these sort of pictures for grieving parents and also people who retouch such photos for parents.

 

*warning very sad*

 

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

 

Sadly, my SIL has had 2 premature babies die. I was with her and the babies both times. She has given me all the pictures, clothing, and blankets of the babies because she likes to know those things exist if she wants them but doesn't feel ready to have the things too close.:crying:

[Nestof3]

I say she was his wife and should get any photo she wants of him. I don't really see the need to get upset about any of it.

[Scarlett]

I've encountered it a lot in my life. I believe it to be a southern thing. I don't know that for fact though. I think it can be over done---but if I want to take a picture of MY dh if he dies---NOBODY better try stopping me. (I don't think I will want to btw, but it would be MY business).

 

Good for your dh for stepping up and doing this simple thing for his mom.....

[mommaduck]

It is a cultural thing. I've seen it in the south and the midwest. I have a copy of my step-greataunt and cousin has one of a relative that was passed down to her. When we lost one of our babies, the nurses took pictures of him...they said I could either have them or they would keep them in my file in case I decided I wanted them later. I have them, just don't share them with everyone, they are for me and a private part of my life.

[RebeccaC]

In backwoods Scots-Irish hillbilly culture, a photo of the corpse in casket is quite common.

 

I think that is too narrow of a define of cultural groups that hold this custom. My mother's people were German American Indian mix, Osage-Cherokee-Fox from OK and English-Cherokee from NC. I think it is more of a Southern, South West and to a lesser extent midwest cultural custom. Since my uncles death I have heard of more folks doing it and usually they are from the said areas. Toyed with the idea of doing a ethnography on the subject when in college.

Edited October 15, 2008 by RebeccaC

[Plucky]

When we have open caskets or memorials with the body nicely presented we take pictures. It appeared to please those closest to the deceased. My grandpa, cousin, and sister all had pictures taken of them in the casket.

[mrsdash]

I'm from Massachusetts and until I moved here to Tennessee, I had never heard of it. It seems to be common here.

[King Alfred Academy]

Someone took pictures of my aunt but only because my grandfather (her dad) was so upset and couldn't look at her. They thought that *if* at a later time he regretted not seeing her and saying goodbye at that time, he would have the pictures if he chose to see her.

 

I don't think he ever looked at them.

[WTMCassandra]

When my grandmother (father's mother) passed away two years ago, my father took a picture of her in the casket, but at a time when no one else was present at the funeral home.

 

However, I ended up being the one to take the file to OfficeMax and get an 8x10 printed. That was weird/sad/embarrassing! I warned the photo staff first what the picture would be because I didn't want to upset anyone.

 

I was frankly surprised that my parents took/wanted the photo, but I figured it was their choice. The funny thing is that while other posters have mentioned that it's more of a southern thing, my parents, although they now live in VA, are from NJ and claim to still be dyed-in-the-wood northerners! They would be miffed to know they just followed a southern custom. ; )

[Scarlett]

The funny thing is that while other posters have mentioned that it's more of a southern thing, my parents, although they now live in VA, are from NJ and claim to still be dyed-in-the-wood northerners! They would be miffed to know they just followed a southern custom. ; )

 

:lol:

[Daisy]

My MIL does this. She actually sent us a picture of my DH's Grandpa in the casket. Too creepy and weird, IMO. I'd never heard of such a thing. Even my Dh thought it was morbid. By the way, my kin who have lived in AL since prior to it's statehood, have never engaged in such a custom. I'm not so sure it's a southern thing.

[OnTheBrink]

My EX's cousin's husband died a few years ago, and there were tons of pictures taken of him in his casket. It was very disconcerting to have these passed around. This was in Arizona.

 

Both my parents have pictures of their parents in their caskets, and this was in southern Indiana.

 

Not my thing, but if it gives someone comfort, I can't see why not.

[WTMCassandra]

:lol:

 

Yah, me too. My reaction exactly.

[bkpan]

I would not take those pictures for me personally, but I can NOT imagine interfering with someone else's desire to have those pictures. A spouse, parent, or sibling should have those desires honored if it is helpful to THEM.

 

Goodness, people used to keep the newly deceased in their home for display and mourning for days until the burial. Family, friends, children all had a connection to the loved one that we may miss in the way our society handles death. It seems like a much healthier way to deal with the inevitable death of every one of us - to enter into the grieving process if you will. Now we have to whisk the body away from sight treating death as an "unmentionable".

 

There was a WONDERFUL special on PBS I saw a few years back about reconsidering how we handle the death ritual. There were families on it who had taught themselves how to use the natural elements to preserve the body for a time in the home (without immediate decay, and no embalming). They prepared the body, had friends visit in the home, had time to sit and "be with" their loved one as they took their time to say goodbye. It was so intriguing, and I found myself deeply wishing we could live in this way. Unfortunately, many state laws get in the way of this :(

 

Anyway, just to give another perspective. I would never dream of getting in the way of another's grieving process.

 

Kim

[3lilreds in NC]

When my grandfather died, there were no pictures of him because he was cremated, but one of my uncles had someone videotape the funeral. I was VERY upset to see the video camera there. This particular uncle has a screw loose anyway, IMO, but I felt that was a little (OK, a lot) over the top. My aunt told me she thought it was weird too but if my uncle wanted it, she was willing to do it if it would help him feel better. And, who knew, she said, that my grandmother wouldn't want to watch it later? :confused: She never did, BTW.

 

I don't think my inlaws have taken pics of actual dead people, but they took a picture of a dear family friend after she fell down the escalator at the airport, after attending our wedding . She looked like she'd been beaten badly. They gave us a copy. Ick. As if I want to remember Helen looking like that, especially as it happened after her coming to celebrate with us? No thanks. They also like to take pictures of headstones in cemeteries. Also not my cup of tea.

 

Regardless, I think grieving is such a personal thing - if someone wants pictures, that's fine. If I don't want one, also fine. It shouldn't be forced on anyone one way or the other.

Edited October 15, 2008 by 3lilreds in NC
spelling. argh.

[ThelmaLou]

I had never heard of it until my husband's grandmother gave us a scrapbook of her son's (hubby's father's) life. He died in his mid-forties, and she took pictures of him in his coffin. She also took pictures of her own mother in a coffin. I was surprised and a little creeped out when I got to the last page of hubby's dad's album only to see him all suited up in a casket.

 

I never knew my father-in-law, but I can't imagine anyone wanting to hang on to an image of dead body. I would want to remember my loved one the way they were when they were alive. I guess if it's a comfort to someone, I wouldn't protest, but I wouldn't ask for a copy of the picture, either. It gives me the willies. My husband's grandmother is definitely the odd-ball of the family in many respects, so I just chalked it up to her unusual personality. I had no idea that this was normal for some folks.

 

Of course, I know in past times families would lay the dead body out in the house for several days, too. Some people would call that very "normal" or "natural" and say that nowadays we have an unhealthy discomfort with death and dying. As a Christian, I do not fear death, but at the same time I don't consider death to be natural. I regard it as a reminder of the consequences of the fall in the garden. Death is a very sad, ugly thing. For a believing family member, I would enjoy happy memories of them and the belief that they were with the Lord. I find nothing comforting about a photo of a dead body. But to each his own.

[Scarlett]

They also like to take pictures of headstones in cemeteries. Also not my cup of tea.

 

My FIL has been gone for 20 years. We have photos of MIL and sons posing in front of his headstone from Every. Single. Decoration Day for the last 20 years. Every one.

[klmama]

No still photos, but when my mom died a man from her church videotaped the funeral and post-burial reception (I don't think he was at the cemetery). My brother has it, and I haven't seen it, but I'd like to watch it and have a good cry. I don't remember as much about the funeral as I'd like.

[Plucky]

I think my grandpa's funeral was videotaped. My grandma watched it a couple times. I never watched it but I don't understand what is so wrong about videotaping funerals.

[Karen FL]

This is very common in American black families in the south. Cameras PLUS video-taping.

It used to be weird to me. Now I'm surprised if no one pulls out a camera or is shooting video.

[K-FL]

It's not uncommon in my experience & I'm originally from TN (a metro area not country). When my dad died last year, a friend of my folks asked if she could take a pic & then sent a disc of all the shots she'd taken. As with any other "big" occasion, many of the people that came by I hadn't seen in 20+ years. She got some shots of them too along w/Mom & us kids & grands.

 

As to the old times, I remember seeing a blurb about a book years ago with photos of the dead. While it may upset our modern senses, it may have been the only likeness of a dearly departed. Of course we've all seen the outlaw pictures too.

[Jennifer3141]

My mother's best friend used to collect photos of all her dead relatives and keep them in a special album. Boy, did that fascinate me! :D

 

I don't understand the appeal of it but it obviously comforts some people. I don't understand why anyone would interfere in it - it's a picture of a dead person. They don't really care!

 

Jen

[TN Mama]

I just spoke with my husband this morning, who is in New Orleans for his dad's funeral & wake, which was Monday. The family was upset that MIL wanted a photo of her husband in the coffin. There was a bit of a stink, some kids adamantly opposed. My husband, who is a professional photographer, kicked into work mode and did it for her. He's concerned, like all the rest of the family, that seeing this picture will just upset her. But he did it to appease her and end the argument.

 

Thing is, the stink has not died down. I think it's partly (mostly?) grief that is causing family members to not be able to let this go.

 

This got me to wondering about all our rituals around death. Two soldiers presented MIL with a flag, though she declined the offer to have a horn playing taps ("too upsetting"). Some of these traditions are so humane, such a lovely way to honor the passing of a loved one.

 

But the photo.... I have a vague recollection that soon after the camera was invented, when infant mortality was still very high, this was common. But now. Hmm. I wonder if this is cultural thing? MIL is very "old New Orleans" -- a strange combination of pre-Vatican II Catholicism and Cajun.

 

What do you think?

 

First, I think if your MIL wants a photo of her deceased husband, no one should deny her. It would be quite awkward if she framed & hung it in the living room, but is that what people think she's going to do?

 

Secondly, while I have personally heard of these photographs I can't say that I would want one. At least I can't imagine wanting one. My MIL (who is not Catholic or Cajun... just real country) got her photo albums out for me to look through one time. Three BIG albums. There was no order to these books, just random photos. Thankfully my children were not paying attention because there was not one but TWO photos of people in coffins. I was shocked. At the time, I had never heard of this and really... wow... I just didn't know what to say. In a PHOTO ALBUM? THAT YOU SHARE? Whew... needless to say, we don't flip through photo albums at the mil's anymore.

[OnTheBrink]

Video taping a funeral is becoming more popular. My son was offered a job video taping funerals, because a funeral home in our area now offers this as a service.

 

My son turned it down.

[Stacia]

Both of my parents are from NC. My mom's family does the photo in the casket thing, my dad's family does not. So, I'm not sure it's so much of a regional thing, per se, just what works for certain families or not.

 

I think it's a bit odd, but it is what it is. My mom's family is not big, so it's not like I've been to a lot of close family funerals, but the ones where I went, photo-taking was the norm. When my gf died, relatives had forgotten the camera & I was the one sent back to my grandparents' house to get the camera. Photos are taken only during the immediate family viewing time.

 

I actually have photos of my gf like that, but I never look at them. I don't like them & prefer (as someone else mentioned) to remember him as he was when he was alive. I don't actually know why I have them (I think my mom made me take them), but otoh it almost seems sacrilegious to shred them, kwim? (Yes, I realize I'm being superstitious saying that.)

 

My mom's family also has photos of the cemetary, flowers at the grave, etc...

 

Perhaps all these very personal photos will be of use to archaeologists thousands of years from now? :tongue_smilie:

[3lilreds in NC]

I think my grandpa's funeral was videotaped. My grandma watched it a couple times. I never watched it but I don't understand what is so wrong about videotaping funerals.

 

I wouldn't categorize it as "wrong." It felt like a huge invasion of my time of grieving. I think if I'd known ahead of time it was going to happen, so I was prepared, I wouldn't have liked it but wouldn't have had as strong a reaction. I can't remember if he had my grandmother's funeral taped or not. I was beside myself and don't remember anything from it really.

 

Like I said, it's such a personal thing. I don't think anyone should be denied pictures (or videos, although I think that's a bigger deal because it can involve more people). *I* do not plan on having pictures of people after they are dead. Or their headstones. And certainly no video footage. (This coming from the woman who's told her husband he will have to be cremated so he's portable if he dies before me, LOL.)

[Plucky]

I don't think I'll do photos either. My dad died and I was the only one who saw him before the cremation and I didn't take pics, but I have thought that my step-sister might have appreciated them but it never crossed my mind. I'm always surprised when the camera or videocamera comes out and then I remember that's the way some do it.

[GailV]

I think that is too narrow of a define of cultural groups that hold this custom. My mother's people were German American Indian mix, Osage-Cherokee-Fox from OK and English-Cherokee from NC. I think it is more of a Southern, South West and to a lesser extent midwest cultural custom. Since my uncles death I have heard of more folks doing it and usually they are from the said areas. Toyed with the idea of doing a ethnography on the subject when in college.

 

For the record, our friends from Hyderabad India showed us a photo of their son in a casket when they told us about his death. So, make your study world wide.

[Kelli in TN]

It is a large part of the grieving process.

 

There is an organization that has volunteer photographers around the country who take these sort of pictures for grieving parents and also people who retouch such photos for parents.

 

*warning very sad*

 

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

 

What a beautiful gift these volunteer photographers provide. I can't imagine how they do this without their hearts being broken over and over.

 

I once helped a teen girl through her pregnancy and unfortunately her baby was stillborn. The nurses dressed the baby girl up as best they could and then took quite a few pictures of her in the basinette and in her mother's and grandmother's arms. I doubt the pictures were framed, but they were probably tucked away somewhere special. I thought the nurses were very sweet to do this.

[Alenee]

I haven't read the rest of the replies but I do think it is more common in certain religions and parts of the country. I'm originally a California/Baptist girl and had never EVER heard of it before but then my fil died and I was looking through family scrapbooks and found several deceased family member's pictures. It was truly awful. Apparently that's pretty normal though with Lutheran's and Mid-Westerners.... But that's also just from one family's perspective...they said it was prefectly normal "where they come from".

[Jill- OK]

...talking about this recently; her grandmother takes pictures of deceased folks in the coffin, but I've never seen this done. (Friend is a born and bred Okie, too.)

 

Different strokes!

 

I think whatever helps is what should be done, and I would personally place the widow's wishes over the children's or anyone else's in that situation.

 

I think your husband did the right thing.

[Ria]

Wow....I've never heard of the photo coffin thing. It strikes me as ghoulish and creepy, but hey, to each his or her own. I wouldn't get upset about it, I just wouldn't do it myself.

 

Ria