Are you close to your siblings?

[City Mouse]

I'm not. We occasionally message over Facebook, but that is about it. Other than Facebook, I don't even have a way to contact my two brothers directly any more. Some of the issue is that as young married couples, my mother manipulated us all to do what she wanted by blaming stuff on other siblings that was not accurate. It took us many years to uncover what she had done, but by then the damage was done. We are no longer mad at each other, but are not close. In fact, my sister and I discovered that we had planned overlapping vacations in the same location. I offered to meet up with her family one day, but she declined. Oh well.

 

Although my DH does not see or talk to his siblings that often any more, I do feel that we are closer to them. They are all the kind of people that you can call up on short notice out of the blue and go for a visit even though we all live hundreds of miles apart.

[Ewe Mama]

I have one brother who is four years older than I. I haven't seen him in about 4 years and I think we've spoken once for about two minutes in that same length of time.

 

It makes me sad, but we are very different people and have nothing in common, apparently.

[Spryte]

No.

 

My sister has the Norman Rockwell dream too, and is incapable of understanding that a lifetime of tearing me down didn't produce it. Go figure.

 

This. Only sub brother and steps.

[lailasmum]

I'm the eldest of 3. I hate my sister and made a choice to not have anything to do with her a few years ago. I don't think it's possible to have a normal relationship with her but It's not something that bothers me particularly.  I'm close to my brother, we are very similar and share a sense of humour and interests so I guess that helps. I speak to him on the phone every couple of weeks approximately and see him pretty regularly, maybe every 2-3 months the last couple of years, but we go through phases of seeing him a lot more. 

[lulubelle]

Not close to my 4 siblings.  We are all within 6 years of each other.  I see them from time to time.  They are not so bad one on one, but boy when they are all together it is just awful.  I've decided no more family gatherings from here on out, if I can prevent it!  One brother is a recluse, and no one has seen him in a couple of years.

[mommyoffive]

Thanks guys.  This makes me feel a bit better that I am not some horrible failure.  

It is just a sad development.  We were close as little kids and that is about it.  

 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

YES!

My biological brother and I are 11 months apart.  We're close even though we have opposite personalities.  We camp, hike, kayak and hang out together about once a month on average. We talk about life and commiserate all the time. I do most the planning and coordinating because I'm the type A personality and he's the type B personality. It works for us. We have a circle of outdoorsy friends we invite along on our adventures-mostly from his work and his wife's work. Most of my friends aren't outdoorsy.

We were raised with our 2 step-brothers from the time we were 3 and 4 and they were 11 and 12.   Biobrother plays video games with them often.  I'm not a game person.  The 3 of them had an Iron Chef thing they did monthly and invited me to join in but it conflicted with another commitment so I couldn't participate. I'm not close to them but we still get together every couple of months. Their wives and daughters get together with the rest of the women folk in the family and a few family friends for our sewing circle.  We take turns helping each other get sewing projects done and drinking wine and eating chocolates.

Sometimes all of us get together for a movie.  We saw a Terminator movie together as adults because we watched them together as kids.  We saw Into the Woods and Les Mis together because most of us like musicals and the manly men who don't met us for lunch after. 

If you want to make something happen, you have to plan, schedule, invite and coordinate it.

Our families (bio and step) have a history of volatility and divorce during our childhoods.  Step-brothers have particularly difficult background because their birth mother has had psychiatric problems for years that played itself out with them in severe emotional abuse.  (She's been institutionalized for quite some time now.) Their sister, 2 years older than me was abducted by her mother a few years after my mom and step-dad were married.  Their mother had custody of her, my step-dad had the boys, and the sister visited every other weekend. Then the mother took her and went into hiding. Step-sister resurfaced when step-sister was a young adult then she moved out of state.  A few years ago step-sister came back to the area and has been part of our lives for holidays. 

We don't dig up bones.  We don't talk about past times unless it was something positive.  We focus on now.  We talk about our futures.  There's not a single thing that we can do about the past and there's nothing gained by revisiting it.  We just enjoy each other's company, the good food and the fun activities we do together.  We don't want to ruin what we have with sadness or anger about what was.  We were kids.  None of us had any control over what happened. 

One of my step-brothers was particularly victimized by his birthmom.  Every now and then he talks about it in front of us (not around my mom or his dad) and we listen sympathetically. Until this year he hasn't been able to participate in Mother's Day for our mom (both my step-brothers consider my bio mom their mom and they call their birth mom by her first name and have no affection for her) and on the rare occasions someone asks why he's not there or where he is he tell them to leave him alone. My mom never takes it personally because she understands the situation. This year was the first year he attended Mother's Day (he's 50.) The other step-brother has a now ex-wife who made the mistake of ranting in front of him about his bio mom to me and my bio mom.  Now ex-wife was very frustrated that no matter what she said we refused to participate and kept changing the subject. As horrible as step-brothers' bio mom has been, neither of them want other people going on about how awful she was and is, so we respect that and do everything thing we can to stop it. 

 

 

[jeremmy]

No. Only one sibling (out of 3) has visited me since moving here 12 years ago. I hadn't seen any of them in 5 years when we met up again recently at a funeral. We are able to hang out and have a relatively good time together, but none of them are interested in putting forth any real effort to make that happen. I decided 5 years ago to stop trying so hard to do it for them.

My husband has a relatively positive relationship with his 9 siblings, but he isn't especially close to them. I am probably closer to them than he is.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Very close to youngest sister, not as much to the middle one any longer due to her life choices (I'm raising her kids if that gives you an indication). I also have a brother but he's 20 years younger then I am, plus he's very different ideologically then I am, so not real close.  DH has only spoken to his sister maybe 2X in the last 10 years.  She took his mom's side in the argument (there's a LOT of inheritance money at stake she wasn't willing to lose).  This was definitely an NPD parent with DH being the scape goat/black sheep and his sister being the golden child.

 

We have done our best to make sure our kids are close.  DS is 15 to DD's 13 and they are the best of friends. They play D&D together, hang out and watch movies, play games online, and just generally chat on a daily basis.  I couldn't ask for more. 

[AmandaVT]

I have 1 brother and we're pretty close. We live about 250 miles apart, but text pretty regularly and talk on the phone every couple of weeks. We see each other every 6 weeks or so. 

[myfunnybunch]

I have two sisters. We are all close. :)

[Debbi in Texas]

My remaining sister and I are close, but this hasn't always been the case. We lost our other sister 4 years ago. I also moved to another state which brought changes to my life including less stress and anger. The result of all of these has been that we are closer than we have ever been. We are 7 1/2 years apart. I was glad to be visiting last week when she received bad news.

[Jan in SC]

Yes! If we lived in the same town, (or state) our families would be together all the time. We travel some together and visit each other a few times a year.  My parents live near my family.

 

My dh isn't very close with his sister, or his step-brother.  We used to be very close to his step-brother, but they lead a very busy life, and it's hard to visit.  His sister is very nice, but works all the time, and never wants to do any fun activities together, so we see them about once a year. There are absolutely no hard feelings between any of them.  They are all just quiet and non-planning people.  My dh isn't very close with his parents either.  They are fine, we just don't have much in common, so visits don't really happen.

 

More people on this board seem to be detached from their families, than our friends in real life.  

[Guest]

No. It's too bad, too, because one of my sisters and I do have quite a lot in common. She even homeschools now. We both like a lot of the same things. For all I know, she is lurking on this forum. Entirely possible. But there's just an issue there that I don't think will ever change.

 

My other sibs are in other states. My brother and I have the same type of humor and I laugh my head off when we are together, but I hardly ever see him now. He is too far away.

[fraidycat]

Our family culture is one of "closeness".

 

My brother and I get along great. We can talk a lot, or not, and it doesn't affect our relationship.

 

With my sister, I have boundaries. We can get along better with time between interactions, and distance between us. It takes effort on my part to let things "roll off, like water off a duck's back". She's, uh...(loudly) vocally opinionated and demanding. I don't bow to her pressure just to "keep her quiet" like the rest of the family, so there can be sparks. That said, we do have a few common interests and ideas, so we can get along for periods of time if we stick to certain subjects and activities.

[Rosie_0801]

My brother and I are very close. 

We are completely estranged from our other sibling and can't imagine ever wishing to change that.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

 

Not as close as I would prefer to be, but life happens.

[MotherGoose]

Yes, even though she lives 12 hours away.  She and my mom and I text most days and see each other as often as possible (several times a year for the sister, more for mom--since she's closer to me).

 

[Ravin]

Not close, but not estranged. We get together when we can and enjoy each others' company when we do. I'm closer to 2 of my sisters than the other siblings. My those 2 are identical twins and house-share. We have a bit more in common as adults (we all like RPG's, for instance, and aren't churchgoers). The sibling closest in age, my sister J, and I never had much in common even when we shared a room as children. Several siblings came into the family after I left for the Navy, so we've never been close, but friendly. Two of my siblings are younger than my DD, so there's the generational gap there; I enjoy spending time with them when we visit my mom.

 

We house-shared with my BIL (DH's M. half-brother) for over a decade. DH is close to him, obviously, but not to his other brother and sister, (his Paternal half-siblings) who are much, much younger (he was a teen when they were born; his brother who he is close to is about 7 years younger).

[IfIOnly]

Not at all. I come from a family with a narcissistic mother. My sibling was the "golden child," and I was the "black sheep" because I wouldn't let my mother dominate me.

 

Thankfully I came through it just a little bruised emotionally, but my sibling has some significant narcissistic qualities. I have minimal contact only because there are some pending legal matters involved, and they have a degenerative disease that likely will require some intervention at some point. Apart from that I'd probably just move on.

One of my sisters is like this. My mom is a narrcist and sis can't stand her but is just like her (and is just weird, probably stemming from her sh*tty childhood). She's so toxic. We don't talk. In fact, that sis won't talk to anyone in our immediate family anymore.

 

My mom just visited and informed me in the first few minutes of seeing her again that she only came because her mom, my grandma, told her she had too. My mom lives with the sister that I'm close to and that sis visited me this summer.

 

Ah, well.

Edited July 27, 2016 by ifIonlyhadabrain

[TechWife]

I have five siblings, two sisters and two brothers. My oldest brother died four years ago. Of the four of us remaining, I would say our relationships ebb and flow. There are no rifts or anything. The three of them all live near each other and I am the one that lives away. My oldest brother lived away as well.

[TravelingChris]

My sister died when she was 34.  I am neither close nor distant with my older brother.  He is 6 years older and moved to live in LA when I was in college.  IN the early years of my dh's military career, we were twice stationed in Southern CA and saw him more.  But he traveled to see us.  Almost all years, he comes for Christmas and that even includes when we were living overseas.  He only uses a cell phone when he travels so I don't keep in touch that way.  We don't talk on the phone and he is not on Facebook.  SO I occasionally trade emails with him and then I see him for Christmas. 

 

My dh is not close to his brothers.  One of his brothers died after years in a nursing home.  THe other two are living in the family home they inherited. The house is in very bad shape.They don't get along and neither works but older is 65 and gets Social Security. We just received a letter from the older one painting a very grim picture and we again offered to help him relocate to where we are which has a much lower COL or offered advice that he should go to the senior center for help with the heat (no ac and heat wave) and for legal advice on how to sell the house when other brother doesn't want to sell.  We strongly recommended 2.5 years ago that as executor of the estate, he sell the house and divy up the proceeds so he can live alone and not live in the dangerous house.  He didn't follow our advice.  I really wouldn't be surprised that they lose the house over taxes.  And that would be a shame because while the house needs to be torn down, the property is valuable.  Dh had asked not to be part of the inheritance specifically so he wouldn't have to be the bad guy, sell the property and make them fend their way.  THe oldest brother has lived in that house for almost all of his life, (he did do two years of Army service). He is scared of moving but scared of staying too.  

[minuway]

I am really close to my siblings; for me that means I live on the other side of the country so that means I text or talk on the phone with one of (four) of them about once a week. I would love to live in the same city or coast that most of them live, but my husband's job doesn't allow that at the moment. We are a lucky family, we had good parents and several intense medical traumas brought us close and kept us there. My husband is not like this at all. He has a brother that he never speaks to - I talk to him more than he does. So its really not a moral thing, its just how your family is, 

[LMD]

Fairly close. We keep in touch every few weeks and see each other every couple of months and both feel bad if it goes longer than that. However we've both built our own very different lives and aren't each other's first contact when in need. She is still close with our mother which forces me to a level of wariness/distance.

 

Dh is fairly close with his siblings, especially his brother. Im quite close with his sister. We see them every few weeks. We are all different and independent types but family is important to them. They all live near each other, we're the furthest away at 90mins.

[J-rap]

We are a very close family.  I'm the youngest of 3.  When we were growing up, I wasn't too close to my sister because she was 6 years older than me.  But since we are both adults and live in the same state, we have become extremely close.  She is one of my best friends.  We get together as often as we can (we don't live in the same town), and always plan a little trip -- even just an overnight -- together each year.

 

My brother and I were much closer growing up because we were close in age and were also in high school at the same time.  I absolutely loved hanging around with him as a teen!  We traveled Europe together in our 20's.  Now he is at a very busy time in his career and busy with his family, plus we live 4 hours apart, so we don't see each other a lot and we don't keep up in-between as well as my sister and I do, but when we're together, it is wonderful.  He will always be there for me (and has been) and I'll always be there for him.

[SproutMamaK]

Yes. My sister is one of my best friends, if not the person I'm closest to (aside from DH of course). My brother and I are close, but not "best friend" close.

[Meadowlark]

Nope. My one brother passed away at age 33, and the other is estranged. It's been a constant and deep source of pain for me, as I would LOVE to be that person that goes shopping with sisters, has a big brother that watches out for me, big family gatherings, etc. About 10 years ago, it all went south. My brother married a selfish, just plain mean woman, and it went downhill from there. He is a self-proclaimed sociopath.

 

I guess the good that's come out of it, is that I've finally learned to stick up for myself. I laid down the law and said "enough if enough". So although there's a dull sort of pain, it doesn't come close to the sharp pain like what I felt when it was all going on. I'm not crying every day in other words. I've come to realize that the true meaning of family does not necessarily have to be your blood relatives. I am blessed with 4 awesome friends that I call my sisters, and choose to focus on those amazing people that are in my life. My brother will not suck the life out of me for one more second of one more day.

[Meriwether]

Yes. My sister and I are best friends. My brother lives far away and has a very private wife. We don't communicate more than once a month, but there is only love and good will between us. My Dh is on good terms with his brothers, but I would say he is closer to his sisters. We see my sister about 8-10 times per year even though We live six hours apart. We see Dh's siblings 3-5 times per year even though we are 4-12 hours apart.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Not super close.  There are large age differences.  There are temperament differences.  And I am seen as the holier-than-thou stick in the mud because I was always a rule-follower who was scared of my own shadow.  They are drink a lot more than I am comfortable with (I'm not opposed to social drinking although I am a tea-totaller for health reasons.)  Many have moved away but I still live in the general area where I grew up.  They will travel to see each other, but they will only rarely travel here to see me.  My sisters and I were much closer until we had kids and our parenting styles just did not mesh.  I still get a bit of judgement for how over-protective I am and how my kids have no social skills (ummm ... several siblings need large amounts of alcohol to have any social skills and I was a shrinking violet in school - much due to the bullying.) 

[Tess in the Burbs]

Nope, not close.  We weren't close as kids either.  When the parents divorced we chose different parents to live with. We have completely opposite beliefs.  She's been contacting me more lately in an effort to bond, but I don't trust this stability and she knows it.  She's wanting us to communicate more often so we can deal with our parents when they age.  Which sounds nice, but she's having trouble respecting their wishes...  I also don't live nearby, so she feels the need to be more involved.  Go for it.  I will do what I need to when the time comes.  It's not now.  

 

I don't see us getting closer.  She's trying, but some people need walls and she is one in my life I can't tear down the walls for.  Ever. 

[TABmom]

I'm not particularly close with my sibs. Mostly because of busy lives and distance. But we don't have any issues. Dh is the same. We see his family more often because of distance, but they're not super close. But neither do they have any issues with each other. I can't imagine having much of a disagreement with any sibs on either side- even if we were dealing with elder care or estate issues. Now my parents-in-law are another story! We have disagreements with them all the time. Pretty much the same ones they have with dh's brothers and their wives.

[Luanne]

Nope. I am the youngest. They are 3, 4, & 5 years older than I am. They all 3 treat me like I am still a child (I'm 51). I don't ever expect to be treated any differently. Unfortunately, my mother treats me the same way. The only one who didn't was my father and he died 2 years ago from a massive heart attack.

[Desert Strawberry]

No. 

No contact with one. Repairing the relationship with the other.